Not to plan

Things haven't been going to plan all day today.  Was having breakfast well actually cooking it when Estate Agent rang saying had we had an appointment made to see the house?  Well no we hadn't.  She had an appointment at 10:30 apparently and Flocky and I didn't want to miss that for sure so we asked to see at 10:00.  Poor old Flocky was only just out of bed so he flew over here - I had half of my planned breakfast a rushed Espresso and off we went.  We got there to find that no one was in the house so we couldn't view it anyway.  

We headed back to the coffee shop and had a few coffees and I then had to head off for a lunch with a few of the lads.  That was quite nice and interestingly we went to the Chinese restaurant we had been to recently where I had over done the Sake!!  Pleased to say I didn't do that but we had a nice meal followed be a few beers but surprisingly - it was all over by 5:30 and so I was home at 6:00.  

Then Mrs. F. was dressed up to the nines ready to go to her company's Christmas Lunch - which is great - it's nice to see her actually in nice clothes and smelling good.  Shame she doesn't do it more often IMHO.  I hadn't recalled her telling me but of course, these days I have to do a fair bit of mind reading! :-)

Soon I'll be out of here and I won't need to worry about what is going on or who is doing what and so on.  In many ways I'm pretty glad about that.  It kind of hurts too somehow.  I'm going to have to do some more things that hurt soon as I cut away from the house.  I do need to work on a plan to make sure I don't lose touch with my children and so I will have to ensure that I keep in touch with them.  

This arrived in my inbox today - I thought it was rather poignant:

"You are not IN the Universe, you ARE the Universe, an intrinsic part of it.  Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the Universe is becoming conscious of itself.  What an amazing miracle."

Eckhart Tolle

Business Like

I'd say that Mrs. F. and I always did have a business like approach to things especially finances.  We actually sat down and worked out some financial stuff last night and we didn't get upset or tearful we just got on and sorted stuff out.  It was interesting as we need to cancel one lot of credit cards - well they want to charge us for the privilege of owning them and as I have another 3 or 4 cards that don't cost me - what's the point?  They didn't even argue the point...  You'd have thought they'd want to retain a customer.

It's the main credit card so I have to change all the people I have it registered with to my new one when that arrives!  Doh :-)  Actually it isn't too sad as long as I remember which one is which.  We are both going to now have our own accounts and of course that's fun too.  Who pays what bills and so on.  Mine is going to take a massive set of hits in the next two or three months.  Mainly with paying the rent for 6 months and any deposit and any other incidentals.  On top of that I have the investment in the business to make which whilst I can make in stages is still needed in less than 6 weeks start to finish I'd suggest.

For the first time in a long time, I found this morning as the sun shone in to the kitchen and I made breakfast that I felt a twinge of regret almost pain at what is about to happen.  Whilst I've felt bad all along, this is certainly a different feeling it was knowing that I'll be moving out of here, my home for all this time and that I'll be setting a new course and direction.  The main thing I suppose is not to worry about the future too much it will be what it will be and worrying about it will achieve nothing at all.  If I'm there for 6 months or 6 years it matters not, it's the journey, it's the ability to release and break free of the boundaries and barriers that were set and closed in on me over time.  

I see that over the years there was a general erosion going on.  When I first got married I managed to listen to and play music of all kinds on my guitars and keyboards etc.  I was able to look after an enormous garden, we made wine, beer and all sorts of jams and things from the gardens and hedgerows.  I played Golf regularly (my golf clubs are rusted, dusty sticks in the garage now).  I used to play Squash and Badminton - the latter to a good level.  I read books avidly.  Now more recently I've read more and more thank goodness.  I used to write creatively and again, recently have gone back to it. 

No wonder I felt claustrophobic, the walls of my life kept narrowing down on me and the straight jacket threatened to completely strangle me.  I feel much better having written these few sentences because in essence this is exactly why I am leaving and more so why I am excited too.  Of course I'm going to regret giving up what many would envy as being a good life.  I have everything I could ever need and almost don't need to work.  But at what cost to myself and also if I am honest, to Mrs. F. too.  What would it be like for me to be like I've been these past few years.  I've been depressed and moochy, I've been faddish trying to sort out what on earth was wrong with me.  I've flitted around trying to work on my general health and my mental health and if I'd stayed she would have had to deal with someone who wouldn't have been happy and who was sinking deeper and deeper into a depressive state.  

Well - that's quite enough from me this morning - I need to get a few things done - some more stuff to post off and my daughter L comes back from Uni later so that will brighten the place up and we can perhaps decorate the house and make it look a little like Christmas and see if we can get Mrs. F. cheered up a little.  She just can't be bothered to do anything and we need to step up to the plate and do something about that.  I also don't want everyone else to feel not wanted when they are round here.  It's unfortunate that since I've mentioned it, many people thought that they weren't really welcome when they came around here.  I know on occasion I've had to apologise over Mrs. F's apparent gloomy demeanour.  I suppose I'm used to not getting an answer when I talk to her or getting one of her looks.  At least no one need worry about that if they pop around and see me next year!

I feel better already - I have written all this down somewhere so I don't keep falling back into the trap of why did I do this and am I doing the right thing :-) 

Well That's An Education

Interesting place but a little smaller than I thought - it would probably do but the agent suggested somewhere else so we had a quick look at the outside and it does look good.  Flocky had a laugh though as it is opposite someone we actually know which is funny - of all the roads and all of the houses..... :-) It's strange how often that sort of thing happens and you bump into someone or something unexpected comes up.

Hopefully we will get to see it tomorrow or Saturday.  At least it isn't on a long contract and also looks like we might be in a bargaining position too on that one.  

Still no decorations up here - not sure if the girls are going to sort it out or not - I will wait for instructions before doing anything.  On the way back Flocky dropped me off nearby where there is an old fashioned Greengrocer shop - Mmmmm I have some lovely Chestnuts and have rescued my Chestnut Pan and will roast a few off tonight - yummy.

I've tidied up downstairs and have loads of junk now in my office - not quite the plan I had in mind when I started.  I still have loads of CDs and LPs and Singles lying around - I will just have to work out what to do about them once I get to a point of knowing what I'm doing.  I suppose I could continue to sell them but it is getting tiresome now.  I may well offer these out to someone if the Charity Shops don't want them.  

I'm trying to get into the mood by listening to Christmas songs but it isn't working at the moment.  I think L will be back from Uni tomorrow so that will cheer the place up as she's as mad as a box of Frogs and so at least the house will be happier than it is now - not difficult I have to say.

So, an Education?  This rental malarkey is all a bit different and it's easier to be a layabout and get a rental property than Flocky and I who have no debts, no mortgage and no credit "history" as such.  How funny that it is difficult for us and we have no problems actually paying!  You gotta laugh!

So onwards and upwards.  They say moving house and divorcing are the two most stressful things you can do and we are doing them at the same time :-)  It isn't so much the stress although I can feel the tension but it's the upheaval and suddenly after 25 years here I've got so much junk - still - and I've cleared a load of it out.  It is funny that I have loads of stuff like guitars, amplifiers, piano, two keyboards, a trumpet and music stands and books.  Two huge exercise machines and suddenly space starts to be at a premium.  Luckily Flocky has a house full of stuff so I may get away with a small move now and then have to work out what to do later in the year and dependant on what happens with this house will determine what my next move may be.

Reality Bites

I told Mrs. F. that Flocky and I are starting to look at property - and there's one that looks good we are seeing in the morning.  It's just about ideal in terms of what we can see on the photos and description.  Quite nice and far enough to be out of the way from here but not too far.  I know the area a little too so that's good.

Spoke to Mrs. F. tonight and she is quite business like about the finances and we are going to adjust some of our finances especially Credit Cards and the like.  I have some in my name and have applied for some others to give me a bit of flex really.  There's stuff all over the place so we will rationalise that but I have a lot of things that are set up to come out of the credit card so I need to go and adjust that pretty quickly.  Things could all go pretty quickly by the looks of it - we will see tomorrow when we go view the property.  Hopefully it is still available as they had some other people there earlier.  Mind you they also had another property which was a little closer to me - 15 minutes walk I suppose.  That is also a good back up.

Anyway - will see in the morning but I suddenly feel very different tonight than I have before because it is now the business end of leaving the house and I can see that Mrs. F. appears to be able to discuss, in short measures, what is going on.  Bless her.  Let's hope that this can be done as painlessly as possible and that we don't hurt each other more than we have to.

Well let's see how it goes.  It's exciting and daunting all at the same time.  After last night I really felt that I wanted to be out after Christmas - just because it is so depressing here at the moment.  We don't know how to deal with each other being here and if I am out of the way at least we can text or email each other and sort stuff out like that.  I can come back to the house when she isn't here and take it from there.  I think I will be quite sad to leave this house in many ways as it is where the girls grew up but life moves on and change is a constant.

I think I've squared a few other things in my head as well now.  It isn't surprising that my head is awash with details and loose ends and I think I said that I'd lose some friends and in some ways I'm going to have to do the losing of some myself.  By that I mean - put them into the distance and not to proactively encourage them unless by some miracle they decide to continue the friendship.  I feel sad that this will be an outcome but I need to give myself every opportunity of this being a clean break and a new beginning and I need to "divorce" myself not just from Mrs. F. but also from much of the flotsam & jetsam that washed up on the shores of my brain.  Some relationships are dead and over, some are on life support, some aren't as strong as they could or should be, some are imaginary and some will never fruit let alone blossom.  Hard as it is, these have to be cut out of my life and cast aside as they aren't helping me move on.

This hard pruning sounds drastic but I'm guessing you just have to do it.  These people are part of my old life - if they bring something new to my new life then maybe, just maybe we regrow the relationship.  Let's see what happens.  

If it is possible to be excited and apprehensive all at the same time then that is what I am.

House Hunting

It's taken a while but here we are near enough to smell the coffee.  Seeing Flocky in a short while to go through a couple of places and maybe to see if this place which is local to us might be worth having a look at.  It certainly looks doable and covers both of our requirements.

I had a funny old night, my friend was over so we went for a beer and very nice that was too and then for some reason I got all hung up on something trivial (it happens) and tortured my mind and didn't catch it quick enough to stop it going around in my mind.  I thought about it this morning and dismissed it in a second!  Stupid brain, I hate the way it does this.  I know what it is all about - it's the coming Christmas and New Year and it is also about turning my back on one part of my life and moving off in a new direction and I couldn't see beyond the sadness of it and of course it is just a change that's going to happen.  I think some of the these thoughts are reactions are just unexpected - you know that they are coming but you can't "experience" them until they happen.  But there you go.

It's all about change and moving on and it's also a bit about leaving behind many things and that was also about realising that I'm "letting go" of more than the marriage it is also the life I had and in some way I think I'm going to lose some friends too because maybe that's the way it rolls.  I should be used to it because that's what happened when I got ill.  

I know once I am out of here and onto my new venture that I will be able to spend real time building something and also not "feeling guilty" about things - I certainly note that I am whether by accident or design taking on that sort of mantle.  I feel really bad for what I am doing and I'm the one being contrite and humble all the time.  That too will fall away and go I'm sure.  

I know I'm bound to be upset, confused and the like - it is going to go with the territory without doubt.

Lonesome Day

Well no one has come back yet so it's been a quiet (apart from my music) day so far.  I had to reset my mobile phone yet again - must be the 4th time in 2 years! Damn thing so it is back to where it was and I've had to upload Apps and type in huge huge passwords - I tend to use massive passwords to help security - it is a pain in the arse when it comes to this sort of thing though.  

I'm almost free of posting stuff out now - have some non-payers which is annoying to say the least as they just waste your time and who wants that?  I have had one of the deliveries I was waiting for arrive bang on 1 pm so that was good but of course I missed the funeral.  These things happen of course!  I'm waiting for my festive coffee pack to arrive - that will cheer me up as there are some speciality coffees in there which will be nice to have over Christmas.

I have finished, just about, all the Christmas Cards now and just need to arrange with Mrs. F. which are to be dropped off (I can do a number on Saturday) and which need posting and that's the lot then.

I think there's some cleaning up of the house to do - I've arranged to see the Asthma Nurse in the New Year so that's all OK and she can do my Blood Pressure at the same time.  Will have to see if I'll need an inhaler or not :-(  Don't fancy that but as an ex-smoker I may need it.  

I think that's most of the stuff under some sort of control now apart from working out what I am going to take with me, how to resolve and split bank accounts and so on.  That's my next job. 

A Taste Of Things To Come

I'm in a strange place at the moment.  Home alone, Mrs. F. and the girls have been out for some sort of birthday bash in Cambridge and they are staying there overnight I guess.  I was hoping someone would be here to pick up some of the deliveries arriving so I could go to one of the Lodge member's funeral.  That looks unlikely so I will have to stay here for the deliveries.

I've got some posting to to do too and a load more eBay stuff probably the last major posting the rest can be done piecemeal.

The house is empty so I have my music on a little louder than I would normally at this time of night listening to Steven Wilson and Drive Home - featured on an earlier post (and below again).  It pulls me back to listen to it's message again and again.  It's about breaking free from the past and moving on and it is one of my tracks of 2013 alongside so many others I could list - perhaps I ought to do that.  Perhaps I ought to come clean with you all and tell you what really has been going on in the background unless you've read right in between the lines and got past the innuendo and false trails.

Life is so simple and so complex for me all at the same time at the moment.  I feel great excitement and anticipation at the opportunity to turn the page and write a new history, a new chapter for myself.  I do however look back at some wonderful moments this year that have slipped through my grasp and pulled me up short of my dreams and desires.  Such my friends is how 2013 was for me it has been a momentous year.  How I wished I'd known what I know now - 20 or 30 years ago :-) 

Oh, Right, That's How It Feels

This separation malarkey is very strange.  There's some extra "stuff" to deal with - especially today as it is Mrs. F's birthday.  The first time in 36 or maybe more years we've not been out or done something on her birthday and it feels very strange indeed.

Even more strange as she announced this morning that she was off - which I knew about - but that she was staying overnight and wouldn't be back until tomorrow.  I know roughly where she is going but that's about it.  the girls haven't told me and so it remains a mystery.    Oh well, so be it - I was surprised how that stung though.  In a month or so it wont matter what I do or what she does or where we go as we won't be under each others feet.  Somehow I did find it a bit shocking though.

Oh well - roll with the punched old chap! :-)  I really didn't expect myself to be affected quite like that.  There you go.  I imagine then that when I move there'll be other wobbles like this.  Also I ought to expect similar at Christmas time.

Mrs. F's Birthday

Well I got a card and I got the book - I think I will sort of leave the book lying around somehow for her not give it to her for her birthday.  I feel awful about it but there you go, it cannot be helped and today I've done the newsletters to friends and family announcing to the world what is happening.  It should be cathartic but it isn't at all, not in the slightest, it actually makes me feel a bit sad really.  Mrs. F. was out for the majority of the day and I came back up here to let her watch Sports Person of the Year in peace in the main room.  She was watching it in the kitchen.  She is out tomorrow apparently going to Cambridge for the Day so L may be involved in that too.  The girls are taking her out for the day - I'm pleased about that and of course, I feel empty and upset that I won't be taking her out for her birthday for the first time in about 40 years :-( 

But I have the opportunity now to move things on and go hunting for a place this week.  There are a couple that strike my attention and I'll be seeing Flocky in the morning for some coffee and a chat about the strategy to go find a place.  We don't have long and of course with Christmas in a mid week situation and New Year the same it doesn't give much available time to find and sort a place and arrange moving although that shouldn't matter too much as I don't actually have to be out of here on a certain date.

It's amazing what things I need to sort out so - that's my next job to work out what accounts need sorting out and so on.  Also I need to start considering - although not too quickly changing my emails and other stuff.  It's all great fun.

Christmas Cards, Newsletters and Goodness Knows what else

Yes it's that time of year folks.  I've done nothing but Newsletters and Christmas Card writing all day and I'm only about half the way through it.  Also looking at houses at the same time and taking phone calls in between.  Feels like I've been at it all day so far.

I have a load of orders from eBay to fulfil and can hardly believe it but have got through 100 padded envelopes and just had to order more to arrive on Tuesday!  The Post Office is a nightmare on a Monday and so I will try and post all the things that I can print and post from here first and then sort the others out after that.  The post boxes are also getting stuffed full too this time of year!  Crazy you'd have thought they'd up the number of collections but they don't.

House hunting later this week if there's time and the headlong rush towards Christmas has started.  

A Day Out

This time last year 4 of us ventured off for a grand day out.  We went to Gillingham for a Lodge meeting and just had a ball of laughs all day long.  On the way home we had jokes on our phones and read them out one after the other and the journey took no time at all.  

How we laughed on the way home.  Just one of those really great days out so this year 3 of the 4 are going and we've dragged another mate along too.  I am looking forward to it but also to just being circumspect with the booze too.  I noticed that of late I've just slightly overdone that.  I know why but just need to be aware, I don't want my Sunday wiped out as I have plans to get on with Christmas Cards and Newsletters and getting them out of the way in one hit.

L is back from University for the weekend with her boyfriend so that's nice.  She's great fun and livens the place up and cheers up Mrs. F. and me.  I spoke to Flocky earlier today and it looks as if we will be ready to go look at houses as of next week which will be good.  I spent a few hours today having a look and there are some suitable places on the market - two though have open days tomorrow which is a bit drastic as we aren't around.  Anyway - we can see next week and there's a number than can be viewed some local (but not too local).

Mrs. F. is out on Sunday, I am out Tomorrow and this all seems to work quite well.  We aren't getting on each other's nerves or rowing we just try and keep out of each others way.  Sad.

Well must get some shut eye - big day tomorrow and looking forward to spending some time out with my friends. 

No Internet

No Internet for a day makes you extremely productive :-) Internet is back but I really do need to leave this machine and go and sort out the Christmas Cards.  I think I will try and have them all done by Sunday night if I can.  It is ridiculous how much the postage is these days - it would be far easier to send electronic cards (impersonal as they are).  I used to send thousands of them at one time when I ran the business.  

We sat down and had a long (for us) talk last night about money and our future.  Poor Mrs. F. was shaking as we spoke I feel so sad for her, it certainly upset me to see her so affected still.

Mind you we did move things on and it sort of started the conversation off about how we will sort out the bills and standing orders, the credit cards, the various bank accounts and the like.  It was difficult because it needs logical and mathematical sides to be applied and it doesn't help when you are hurting and sad and upset.  I find it quite difficult myself these days, it makes me feel bad, not about what I'm doing, I'm comfortable that I have made the right decision.  No I feel terrible about being the person who has inflicted so much pain onto Mrs. F.  

In fairness we actually inflict our own pain onto ourselves and it's worth remembering that you can choose to beat yourself up inside when you can switch that off.  Your own mind (your pain body) is happy pouring and heaping misery  on to yourself, just like mine is now making me upset because Mrs. F. is upset.  I'm not physically hurting her at all.  I'll let you think about that for a while.

At least we have a way forward and in fact it is a bit more practical than I thought she would be so that too is good.  Small steps, easy steps are the way forward.  I didn't think I'd be tearful but I have been these past few days I guess because I see Mrs. F. like that and I don't hate her I just feel sad about it all.  For her as she sees no future and everything is a problem.  Whatever I say about it, of course, isn't right.  It just makes it difficult to rationalise some of these crazy pain body type thoughts especially if she feels that there is no future, no way out, there's not enough money and so on.  She is finding it difficult to come to terms with having to get a smaller house and that it may not be in this area.  Where her parents live and where we have lived for a good part of our married lives, where the children were brought up and so on.  The house has an emotional attachment I guess.  But I've tried to show her the maths but of course, it too proves difficult to apply logic when combated by emotion (sounded Mr. Spock like there).

Well at least things are beginning to move on - I am out Saturday, Mrs. F. is out Sunday, it is her birthday on Monday - I've got the card and the book - not sure if I will give her the book for her birthday it may not be appropriate or for Christmas - we will see...  

Even Made Mrs. F. Laugh

eBay - sold some of L's Dolls House Furniture and a very nice dining table and chairs and all the cutlery and crockery.  With me so far?  Good.  She got £7.50 for it + £4 P&P.  

I just got a message in  pidgin type English saying that they weren't expecting it to be this they were expecting a full dining room suite to sit people at :-) LOL  WHAT?!!!

Once I got over the shock and finished laughing I see that they'd like to return it for a refund which is even funnier really - what were they thinking it was all labelled as Toys and Dolls House Equipment and who could deliver a dining room suit for £4.

So I've started to write a measured response to see if they really do want to send it back, it isn't covered by the distant selling regulations and so I'm not obliged to give them the postage back and pay for it to be returned as well.  They'll be lucky to see half the money returned by the time they've sent it back (as they will have their own expense).  Anyway - it gave us all a laugh here and the language is something else to behold bless them :-)

Oh well - I will have to use all my skills to word it without sarcasm and lead them to consider what is the best course of action for them.  What a crazy world we live in where anyone thought they could get a dining suite and all the stuff to go with it and get it delivered for that price - so funny and even Mrs. F. smiled and was amused.

That's eBay settled - now for Christmas

It is one of those things I planned to do was to leave the listing around about now and clear the decks ready for Christmas.  Mrs. F. really hasn't got the inclination to do much so I said that I'd do whatever she wanted me to do.  Of course I haven't got a clue what has or hasn't been done so today I'm tidying up my office and putting stuff (Vinyl records and CDs) into boxes to store them for a short while ready to sort and dispose of in the New Year.  I think I can off load the CDs easily enough but the records may be a difficult one. 

Once that little lot is cleared I can get onto tidying the downstairs rooms and move it on from there.  I have things like the cards to write, the newsletters to post and email out.  It's all difficult I have to say.  Mrs. F. still doesn't want be to tell people that might by some convoluted route get the news back to her dad, her brother or her sister.  Don't ask me I don't get the logic either :-) 

I have a few more meetings to go out to - I was meant to be up in London today but I feel I've been on the booze for weeks and yesterday was a very long session indeed and all that beer has put a few pounds on me already - I can see it - that's how quick the damn stuff works :-)  I am also contemplating what to take with me or not when I move as I have things like guitars and the like and I think I'd like to take my musical instruments with me - if nothing else I can pick them up and start to play again.  

Lots of things to think about and do - I feel a list and a mindmap coming on this afternoon to capture and plan it all out.

I'm still feeling a little emotional - a little fragile after the weekend - it really did strike into me the pain Mrs. F. has and the difficulty I am having talking to her.  Such a shame.  Hopefully it will get better in time.  

Trying To Stop It Being Nasty

Met a bunch of people at lunchtime who know of me but don't know me.  We spoke about my split and after all these years and they sort of said well couldn't you save it and could you not be reconciled and I wondered afterwards why they'd say that.  They hardly know me but I suppose the number of years involved, that we had brought the children up and so on all added to the mix.

Well I did think about it after I'd done the basic defensive "well we tried" and the other bland basic statements..... :-) But do you know what?  I can't see it.  I lived with it and ran along with it on a premise that it would all work out OK in the end and unfortunately it didn't.  There's nothing here that I can see other than familiarity and just letting me get away with it that would be remotely enticing to me.  The thing that hit me this year and stop me if I am being a little sickly sweet here, is that there's this thing called love.  Define it as you will but, I finally found out what it was all about this year and I'd lived my own lie for years and years.  It was always going to get better when the kids left or were old enough but in hindsight that never happened in fact it got worse because the whole reason we HAD stayed together was for the kids - that was what held the whole thing together - our gravity if you will.  They going off and doing their own thing was great but when we finally got back together after 20 odd years of bringing up the children found that we were completely different people.  There in lies the problem.  We did everything right for the "unit" and came out the other end two separate and individually independent people. 

It's not a failure but it isn't as repairable as everyone blandly expects it to be.  How can that be so?  I find it slightly tragic almost Shakespearean that we did everything right, did everything as we should for 'the family' but ended up where we are.   It is sad but it is where we are and reconciliation is fine but after 4 or 5 goes at it and it still not working when do you get to a point and say enough is enough?  I think the optimist in me says OK, let's give it one last try but the realists says, you said that last time, you tried to achieve that and you ended flat on your face (again).  

I hate the idea of us ending up in some slagging match some nastiness and I just hope that it never comes to that.  Solicitors and Lawyers make enough anyway!   Have to say though that I can't see a reconciliation.  I see that Mrs. F. would jump at the chance but what would be the conclusion to that?  It gets neither of us what we truly want - or does it?  :-) 

So - Cancer - How Does It Change You?

I wondered whether I should introduce this now and of course it is probably appropriate to examine again how life changed after the diagnosis.

1. you're going to die.  Whatever you may think about this is the one that materialises right up there at the very beginning.  I recollect being upset that I may not see the girls live to become married, graduate, have children etc. 
2. It will hurt.  Yes it did but not in the way I was expecting.  The cure hurt more than having the Cancer - which didn't hurt at all really.  It was yukky and nasty but it didn't actually hurt me.  Having the treatment afterwards was a severe trial but grimacing through it meant that it was probably doing me good :-)
3. Self Esteem - forget it - gone - smashed up and thrown outside in the rubbish and cast aside as useless :-(  Absolutely wrecked and pulled down leaving no signs of the original
4. Confidence - yes destroyed and smashed up and generally trodden into the ground as 3 above...
5. Relationships - tested to the very edge and in my case over the edge.  A great seeker out of character of your friends and family.  Those you though were closest disappear - unexpected help comes from those you least expected it.  

These were the quick ones I could think of.  Looking back I took such a pounding I can hardly believe it.  Only now, recently, do I feel physically and mentally able to deal with it and move on.  You can only imagine that the physical shock to your body can be immense but it's dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress that really takes it out of you.  After you get through this and find you are drained of all energy (mentally and physically) you need to recharge yourself.

It has been 8 years now - and finally I am getting back to some sense of normality.  I don't have a problem with fitness and I don't feel sick anymore.  I don't feel as if I need to lie down and take it easy and I don't feel like I'm a victim.

The major change is that I finally got to a point in my life where things mean nothing anymore.  Life is what it is all about and that's where I'm heading in the next few months.  It will be an interesting journey no doubt. 

Meltdown - Was Near It Today

It was one of those things - I really had a huge wobble yesterday and found myself in all sorts of trouble in my head about it.  I live in my own world of certainties, logic and common sense.  When it is disrupted by Mrs. F. as badly as it was over the weekend I really find coping with it difficult.  I already hate the fact that I've hurt her.  I still like her very much and perhaps it is because I am being "nice" all the time that she is finding it hard to deal with me.  

It crossed my mind to think seriously about a reconciliation but then that would always have an edge to it, but I hate to see her feeling so hopeless and emotional and I am trying to be practical but of course, that isn't what she wants to hear.  I don't do this stuff particularly well I believe - I just kept calm and discussed each objection but the melt down really does come from those throw away statements "I'd be better off dead" and that sort of stuff are seriously disturbing but of course they articulate how she is feeling not any intent.  

But that played on my mind all day and it was one of those crazy things that happens - my head went off and did it's usual calculating and scheming and I wasn't able to halt it quickly enough before it then entered my dreams and gave me a fitful night's sleep too.  I look dreadful this morning.  I actually haven't eaten anything all day - I just don't feel up to it at all.  I've had a few coffees and some water but I actually feel as if I couldn't put any food inside me at all.  Strange but there you go.  I will have some tea though and we have our AGM meeting tonight and then perhaps a few beers with Flocky and the lads afterwards.  

I've made a concious decision now not to carry on with any more eBaying before Christmas just let what is up run its course.  It could be that we will know about the house in the next week or so and that will give me something to concentrate my efforts on.  I hope that Flocky and I can find a place and that it will finally give me the time and space that I so desperately need at the moment.  The atmosphere here is awful and I can understand why that is so.  I do feel so very sorry for Mrs. F.  her whole world has come crashing down.  At the moment, it's all my fault and I imagine she despises and hates me for that.  Her own future isn't clear and it must be frightening for her but she isn't speaking to anybody again and I keep asking her to do that but once again me trying to help has the opposite reaction and I don't know how to help her out with that.  Most people have told me to steer clear of that and not to get involved.  From my point of view though, she needs to talk it through and to see something positive out of this.  

I'm slowly beginning to feel better this afternoon and it's one of those things I know it is, where I am realising myself the enormity of my decision.  It's a big decision to have made but, and here's the but, it couldn't have been any other decision.  I feel bad because I don't like hurting people.  That's the be all and end all of it.   

I hope that Mrs. F. gets it soon.  She looks so lonely and helpless and I just can't help her I feel very sad about that, very sad indeed.  

Back To Peace And Quiet

I suppose that I should have expected there to be some rough times.  I do though have to stop beating myself up about it quite so badly.  Going out again last night after having been out most of the day was not ever going to solve anything but it got me out of th the house but going to the pub really wasn't the ideal solution.  A long walk may have been.  

I have a number of events coming up and I just need to be certain to pace myself for them - it was OK yesterday no one really asked where Mrs. F. was - a few did and I explained the situation.

So now the house feels quiet and there's just A and myself here.  I have a lot to get on with today and tomorrow which I hope I can just work my way through and then just get things back in to some perspective.  I am out tonight and tomorrow - I am meant to be up in London on Wednesday but I might not go - I just don't trust myself out at the moment and I am going out again on Saturday so in many ways I might be overdoing it.  It is a bit of a problem that sometimes I have which is I tend to self-destruct occasionally, it is something to do with being an INTJ and not being able to deal with stuff or get rid of stuff bottled in.  

Of course, I can get rid of these things if I know I'm doing them and it I identify it in myself early enough.  

So Let Me Get This Straight

You've invited your folks around for Christmas Day and Boxing Day and you haven't told them or only a few of them (who are sworn to secrecy) that we are splitting up.  Now it's my fault and despite you not wanting me in the house which I am doing something about now you are leaving the house and threatening "might as well be dead" to me.  Well it has been just the most unpleasant weekend I can ever imagine so far but actually I'm still OK with it.  

I cannot remember where in the Kubler Ross cycle this is but it is back to where we were 5 months ago and I know that it sometimes happens.  It's just an emotional tirade and I try and tend to manage to be calm and controlled about it.  I just repeated back what we had agreed before hand and that it was me that was moving out and that "the money" isn't a major point - she's prattling on about the fuel bill and having to work all hours but that really isn't the point.  Then we are off on she has no friends and she doesn't want this to happen.

I've tried asking what she thinks should happen or how does she want to fix it especially as she agreed with me that it wasn't repairable but I'm all ears and will listen to a reasoned proposal but it isn't reasoned.  She "hasn't done anything for Christmas" yet I know she's ordered the food to arrive - I've seen the order.  It's probably not helping me going off to this do tomorrow or even explaining that I've actually brought in sufficient money to pay for the fuel bill or anything because logic and reason and calmness are not working.  

Saying you don't want something to happen doesn't make it so.  It's just crazy as I'm sort of commited to leave, start a business and do loads of stuff because that is what we agreed and now she's exploding about me spending that money - when it is clear that if I don't go and actually earn a living then there's little I can actually do other than just take the money and not pay it back into the system. 

I can only guess at the turmoil that's going on in her head - it must be awful but I have to balance this with that's what I've been living with for 10 or more years myself.  I'm not expecting to stay or be "won back" because I know it will not work and in fact that the damage is done and whilst we may indeed be able to paper over the cracks that is what we've done for far too long.  I don't want to head back in to the dark depths of my depressions again and I don't see anyway that it could be anything other than that.  Why do people think you can get back together again when it's broken that bad?  Had a couple of people giving me the can it be repaired talk and at the end of the day - no it can't well I cannot see it - it would have to be an  immense effort on her part, would give me way too much "power" in the ensuing relationship and whilst I can imagine that would suit her I don't think it would suit me.

The one thing I want more than anything is to finally be at peace with myself, get rid of my demons and just spend the next 10 years making a living and then see where it goes from there.  I still feel very sorry for Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about this.  If I look at reconciliation then I know that I will probably regret that and it would be mean of me and wrong to let her hold out hope.  Now she loves me, can't live without me, and so on.  It's a shame that we are in a situation like we are now and after perhaps 15 years she finally plays that card long lost many years ago through circumstances that perhaps were beyond our control or I think things were bad and I deliberately found all those jobs where I worked away from home or spent long hours away.  Who knows?  

It was certainly very upsetting tonight for the second night to have this nonsense fired off at me from the doorway for she didn't seem to want to sit down and actually talk it through.  I try to remain calm and impassive as it would not do for me to raise my voice or get aggressive over this - it won't help and I don't need to hurt her anymore than I already have.   It's just there is no logic, it's denial and negotiating going on, disbelief, then realisation and anger all rolling into one.  They are all defined and obvious stages to go through but I can't help but worry that unless I take a bit of control over the next few days, we aren't going to get this sorted out in time for Christmas.  

I thought it was telling that she said that I was getting what I wanted out of this.  I did explain that it wasn't what I wanted at all but that this is the way it ended up.  I think that confused the issue. She doesn't get that there's if she wants something different - like a different outcome then there needs to be something to put on the table other than bemoaning the facts we went through and she agreed were at the heart of the problem and that she said she would be unable to change.  There's the answer, clear to me but not to her.

Of course it is all one-sided here on the blog.  It's my view of the world and I need to move on and be me, I can't live this half-life I've lived all these years this Oscar winning Actor role I've developed so that many people think we have a great relationship when in truth it was OK but not great.  

Oh well - I've spouted on enough tonight about it, this blog is turning from Bladder Cancer to Marriage Bloody Guidance at the moment - sorry.  

Talking of Bladder Cancer - I wonder if I hadn't of had Cancer whether I would have been here now - I don't think I would have been I was ready 7 or 8 years ago to go and was in a similar mini slump when I landed the best job I'd ever had only to have it robbed away from me 7 months later...  I think I would have just left then if it wasn't for Cancer.  Cancer did start this off though because sometimes you have to have things to live for, whether it's the kids, your family or yourself and I wanted to live for the kids and myself.  That seems wrong but it probably is true and yet for some years I had in the back of my mind that I'd be better off dead than leave my family - terrible thoughts to have but back in the day I didn't like the idea of splitting up and in those days I made several attempts to get things back on track.  

It was again telling that Mrs. F said she no longer had any friends and that all her friends were my friends.  Well she let her friends go one by one and I never did with mine.  But she can talk to my friends I'm sure many of them still think she is a friend but she seems to have conveniently forgotten all of that.  She has other friends and I don't know why they aren't helping at the moment?  They did at the start.  I just can't get involved in this that's the trouble, much as I'd like to make it less painful for her - I just feel that I will have the opposite effect.

It could be a very interesting few weeks - she says she cannot cope and I've said I will step up to the plate as of Monday - I will indeed do that and next week I will take it on myself to sort the house out and get everything ready as I don't want it to be a melt down which it appears to be at the moment.  She cannot see any way out of this and that IS a shame.  I only see today, now and the future as the past isn't hurting me anymore.  The pain I inflict on my wife hurts me, the way she talks to me recently is very painful bit it is her way of dealing with it.  For me it will not last long and once I am away from here then we can start to heal and deal with things one bit at a time.  For the moment everything is darkness, doom and gloom and no matter what I do to demonstrate that it isn't the less she listens and that's a problem.  I can't reason with her and I can't demonstrate that financially she is relatively secure, some people have nothing.  I've put so much into the coffers that there really isn't a problem she can live for 20 years on the capital excluding any income from that capital.  She just isn't thinking straight and me showing her just throws up another objection.

So long winded I know but needed to kick this lot out of my head.  I was so upset that she was talking so negatively again and just not listening or dealing with it.  "It's not what I want" she repeats over and over.  I don't say that back but in essence of course it isn't but she's done nothing in the past 15 years to prevent this train wreck.  Even to the point of mentioning to me that we might split up on a number of occasions all this still came as a bolt out of the blue!

I am out for much of tomorrow - I hope she doesn't start on me when I get home as I will have had a few drinks and don't like to discuss stuff with booze in me - I won't be drunk but will have had a nice drink.  It's all very very painful here at the moment.  I hope that she doesn't decide to walk out because that will mess up everything I've been sorting out for the last 4 or 5 months when she originally was going to go and then wanted to stay.  The whole business is currently looking at being moved out of here.  It is OK if it stays here but I need to know sooner rather than later as it affects arrangements I've been putting in place and totally alters the way I need to tackle the business.  Mind you those plans can be altered but I need to know.

I love the bit about "the money" when this actually costs a bucket load to change tack.  Oh well it's only money and it will be what it will be.  I really don't mind either way what the outcome is as long as it is sorted out fast as I'm in mid plan to be out of here (was meant to be out of here by now) and it materially affects lots of things, plans and people.

Deep Breath Old Chap Deep Breath

It's gone lunchtime and we haven't uttered a word to each other all morning.  No pleasantries, nothing at all.  I will try in a few minutes to break the silence but not sure if I'll manage it.  I've heard about this from other friends who are going through the same thing and I really, really want to be out and away from all of this.  I'm out tomorrow which will be good.  Looking forward to getting up late, hitting the shower, grabbing a good breakfast and then heading off for some drinks and a Christmas Lunch with people I know.  It will be interesting as it will be the first that many people will know that I am not with Mrs. F. - it will be difficult as they will have Christmas Cards written to use both but - no problems I will bat my way through that.

I'm out Monday and Tuesday so that too will get me the hell out of here.  It really is difficult at the moment.  Mrs. F. appears to be spreading the misery widely and I just can't help the situation - I fear I just add fuel to the fire.  So I just disengage and take a deep breath and work out whether to try and reason the thing through or just to let it go.  Many times I just let it go.  I can't make her tell her family and friends, even though it has been 5 months you'd have thought that a few more people would know who would help her out a bit.  Not telling anyone and bottling it up can't be great.   There's going to be no miracle here and her behaviour now just re-enforces my decision to go.

I just want to get out of here and to get some time to myself.  I think I will spend Monday finishing off eBaying and then tidying all that away for a while.  I can always do a filter through what is left and make a decision about what can be thrown and what can be kept and can sort out stuff to be dumped, can go to charity or can go to a home of my choosing.

I will then concentrate on making Christmas work as best as I can.  Perhaps do a tidy of the house from top to bottom and get things as ready as they can be.  Mrs. F. isn't wanting to do anything for Christmas - I think I can probably at least make the effort for the girls, their boyfriends and Mrs. F's family who are coming over for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. 

Oh well - let's see how it all settles out I guess.