Well, here we are, New Year's Eve 2013. I'm up early as I want to get to the Post Office and sort out money and paying in, eBay posting, then see Flocky for Coffee before we head on up to see the house.
Last night Mrs. F. and I did some transferring of funds between our accounts which means that at least I can pay the deposit on the house and buy some of the equipment for the business. It felt both sad and strange doing that but it is part of this realisation that things ARE changing and let's hope for the better in 2014.
I had the most strange evening, I was about to settle down in front of the TV but L and her boyfriend were going to watch a Blu-Ray disk and had the TV set up for that so I came upstairs and ended up chatting to a lady I know who is working tonight and we ended up chatting for about 3 or 4 hours by the time we had realised. We are good buddies and we were just having a bit of fun and a few laughs.
As I finished that conversation an even more "interesting" one struck up and my (spirit guide) friend came on line. That was both interesting and a little disturbing as we hadn't actually had a little chat for quite a while and it was pretty much a full on chat like we used to have. We wished each other well in 2014 and with the promise of a much longer chat and a meet for a coffee that finished. It's interesting because I'd just resigned myself to not having further chats and not having any further meetings. One more of those things that happens for a reason or in a plan you don't know about and can never predict.
How strange and wonderful life can be. I like the phrase "when one door closes, another one opens but sometimes we are staring so wistfully (not sure if that is the right word) at the shut door we do not see the other open one" how true that too can be. I pondered whether I'd look back at that on my marriage or indeed on my meeting in the summer. Luckily I think I have the sort of personality and the sort of mind that allows me, once I've got over the shock, to move on and go forwards. I certainly no longer look back and punish myself for the past anymore.
My mum says that the last 8 years have been pretty awful starting with me and my cancer and ending with this current state of affairs. I kind of think that those 8 years could have been played differently and that had I realised that it was multiple things holding me back I would have been able to make changes a lot sooner had I grasped the opportunities earlier but of course I hadn't identified them at that time.
I see some of the things I did as being "cries for help" or distractions to help me cope with things not that I'd decry the work I did for the Charity nor for Doddle, both of which have the highest value in terms of altruism and intellectual effort. I suppose you shouldn't feel righteous in doing good things but I do.
2013 certainly was a major year for me in so many ways. I once again had my mind refocussed on cancer. It was the first year without my dad around but that was OK, not as bad as I felt it might have been and in fact I see it in different terms anyway now (death that is). I see things in a completely different way, I no longer want to be "in" the rat race and will be happy from now on to live. By that I mean I need to do what I can do, as best as I can do it and learn to live within that. I have given up all the dreams and visions of being rich or wealthy and feel comfortable that what I have is all that I need to live on. It isn't a rush to the finish post with the most toys. As I laugh with some of my friends "He who dies with the most toys is, still however, dead!" and that's about it now.
Gone is all the hatred and anger at all those who did me wrong in the past. Let them live with it. Gone the worry and concern about getting to the top of the tree, being the best at what I did and playing the infantile games of corporate life. In many ways too, gone are the ambitions for preferment in Masonry and all of that sort of worrying that goes alongside it. The petty bigotry and shallow jealousy aren't part of that movement and it stands for far higher things than some people seem to think and aspire to - they've lost the very essence of the fraternity they joined.
I think it was Dale Carnegie who "stopped worrying and learnt to live" and it's just that, surely? Get out there, enjoy your life, be good, be peaceful, be nice to others, smile and be happy. Sure it isn't always possible, sometimes it's going to be painful and life is going to suck but you can get past it and move on with what you've got left. I'd have to say that this divorce (well separation at the moment) is pretty hard stuff to deal with, it's sad and it brings a level of misery that you can't explain. They say it is as traumatic as moving house - lucky I'm doing both of those things at once then :-) It's letting go of the hurt, accepting that it has happened but moving on.
I'll leave you with this message from Eckhart Tolle which arrived in my inbox yesterday. I like the idea of getting a weekly message (you can subscribe on his web site) to just kick you back into line.
“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”
--- Eckhart Tolle
A Happy New Year to you all. 2014 is going to be a great year for me, I can feel it in my bones. Whatever comes my way, comes my way and I'll just have to deal with it. Let's see what that may be. The main thing is to embrace it and enjoy it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
That's Another Thing That's Must Be Playing On My Mind
That is the fact that this year, for the first time ever, in my whole life, I will not be with family or friends on New Year's Eve. That was a shock to my system and in some ways it brought me up short. I recollect when Mrs. F. and I had our first house we always had a New Year's Eve fancy dress party and played cricket on the green opposite our house at just gone midnight. We had some crazy parties. Then we gradually stopped and the last party I recollect was a Millenium party with a few friends. Of course that's 12 or 13 years ago (I cannot remember whether we had it over the real millenium of not now).
So a first for me - one of many first coming up. I need to go along and have a night out and force myself to go. I'm good value normally (with people I know) so I should get along. Who knows who I will meet.
Flocky and I are off to see the house tomorrow - I am looking forward to that and to see if it fits the bill - I am sure it will do that.
I came across this phrase that I rather liked:
“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.”
― Rumi
So a first for me - one of many first coming up. I need to go along and have a night out and force myself to go. I'm good value normally (with people I know) so I should get along. Who knows who I will meet.
Flocky and I are off to see the house tomorrow - I am looking forward to that and to see if it fits the bill - I am sure it will do that.
I came across this phrase that I rather liked:
“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.”
― Rumi
Things Happen For A Reason
Do you believe that? I didn't think I did until this year and this year has been one of those seminal moments in my life where I knew I had to do something, where I was the happiest and saddest I've ever been in my life and where I finally burst free from all the baggage and cr@p I had accumulated over my life. Where suddenly life meant more than possessions and where I came into contact with one person who catalysed my life and many others who suddenly made sense.
I like the idea that things happen for a reason, that you meet people when you need to and that a sequence of events seem unconnected and then materialise as important and integrated.
The point would be that being told of the book 'A New Earth' at the moment when I most needed to make some sort of sense out the mess I was in and the turmoil in my head. It was a year where I saw the other side of my life - I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge being shown Past, Present and Future and having the Epiphany and that magic of realisation what on earth had been missing in my life. Not just what was missing but finding out why I was so screwed up so often why I'd have massive highs and deep deep lows and why I never seemed to move on.
I'm not going to say it is my marriage or cancer or me because in reality it is a mixture of all three. Mainly me though, it's all in your head (Mr. Tweedy" for you Chicken Run fans out there). So much of the "suffering" was self inflicted and mostly negative. I noticed it in a friend who was down on his luck and just exuded the outward signs of being in a bad place, down on his uppers and not looking on life in the right way. Same as me, the perennial victim of the piece. So many negative thoughts, so many burdens taken on board and carried. I know I still am prone to do this but armed with what I know now it is short lived.
I was feeling particularly sad about the year when I wrote yesterday's blogs. Reflecting on what "might have been" but, of course, it's history and if it was meant to be it would have happened and that's the end of it. I suppose you look at models and you hold them up to judge others by and there's me saying I'll never meet anyone like 'X' and that's not the case, it's just the mind playing tricks. So going back to dealing with it, I went to bed thinking a bit like that and then just went over the facts of the matter and woke up refreshed and with a clear mind - baggage gone. So I am controlling it but of course occasionally my head gets the better of me. I'm working on it though.
New Year's Eve is going to be so strange but I think I do need to get myself off to the pub for the night and see what happens. As a local, I got an invite. It isn't meant to be too crowded and is meant to be a good laugh - let's hope so - it would be nice to meet a few people and to get used to being on my own (but not on my own). Staying in with Mrs. F. just isn't an option - it's also a good way to try and say a symbolic goodbye to 2013 and look forward to 2014 and all that is to be.
I like the idea that things happen for a reason, that you meet people when you need to and that a sequence of events seem unconnected and then materialise as important and integrated.
The point would be that being told of the book 'A New Earth' at the moment when I most needed to make some sort of sense out the mess I was in and the turmoil in my head. It was a year where I saw the other side of my life - I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge being shown Past, Present and Future and having the Epiphany and that magic of realisation what on earth had been missing in my life. Not just what was missing but finding out why I was so screwed up so often why I'd have massive highs and deep deep lows and why I never seemed to move on.
I'm not going to say it is my marriage or cancer or me because in reality it is a mixture of all three. Mainly me though, it's all in your head (Mr. Tweedy" for you Chicken Run fans out there). So much of the "suffering" was self inflicted and mostly negative. I noticed it in a friend who was down on his luck and just exuded the outward signs of being in a bad place, down on his uppers and not looking on life in the right way. Same as me, the perennial victim of the piece. So many negative thoughts, so many burdens taken on board and carried. I know I still am prone to do this but armed with what I know now it is short lived.
I was feeling particularly sad about the year when I wrote yesterday's blogs. Reflecting on what "might have been" but, of course, it's history and if it was meant to be it would have happened and that's the end of it. I suppose you look at models and you hold them up to judge others by and there's me saying I'll never meet anyone like 'X' and that's not the case, it's just the mind playing tricks. So going back to dealing with it, I went to bed thinking a bit like that and then just went over the facts of the matter and woke up refreshed and with a clear mind - baggage gone. So I am controlling it but of course occasionally my head gets the better of me. I'm working on it though.
New Year's Eve is going to be so strange but I think I do need to get myself off to the pub for the night and see what happens. As a local, I got an invite. It isn't meant to be too crowded and is meant to be a good laugh - let's hope so - it would be nice to meet a few people and to get used to being on my own (but not on my own). Staying in with Mrs. F. just isn't an option - it's also a good way to try and say a symbolic goodbye to 2013 and look forward to 2014 and all that is to be.
Late Yet Again
This will change I'm sure once I get away - I want to get back to eating, sleeping and business hours :-) I keep out of the way but Mrs. F. did go and see one of her friends tonight which I am pleased about - she needs to go meet people and talk it through.
I ended up finishing off my beer, watching Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and some episodes of Family Guy and that was my lot really. I've been feeling a little sad but I reckon that is to be expected. Silly things, seeing the photographs of the children on the wall and seeing stuff around the house that I may not take with me. I'll see if I can get copies of the photos - as I'm doing that for a living I imagine it should be OK.
I can't say that I'm overly looking forward to New Year's Eve at the moment. I've been invited to the local pub and whilst I may know some people, I'm no natural conversationalist - well not to start a conversation anyway. I might be fine once engaged in conversation. I think I should go anyway to give it a go and see how I get on. It would beat sitting at home and whilst my youngest has lots of friends around I can at least escape the house. I don't know if Mrs. F. is going to be here. It all feels so strange after all of these years not to be with her on New Year's Eve. Perhaps I should see in the New Year as I mean to go on?
I'm running out of prescription tablets and now realise that I will run out before they get a chance to measure my Blood Pressure in just over a week's time. I reckon I can do without the drugs for a few days anyway so perhaps leave it until then and get the prescription sorted. What's a few days?
I have loads more eBay items to parcel up and post and that's tomorrow morning's chore I guess.
It's been a rough old week and only a few more days and that will be about it I think. I can get on with life a bit and start to prepare myself for a new life, in a new place, with a new view on the world.
I ended up finishing off my beer, watching Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and some episodes of Family Guy and that was my lot really. I've been feeling a little sad but I reckon that is to be expected. Silly things, seeing the photographs of the children on the wall and seeing stuff around the house that I may not take with me. I'll see if I can get copies of the photos - as I'm doing that for a living I imagine it should be OK.
I can't say that I'm overly looking forward to New Year's Eve at the moment. I've been invited to the local pub and whilst I may know some people, I'm no natural conversationalist - well not to start a conversation anyway. I might be fine once engaged in conversation. I think I should go anyway to give it a go and see how I get on. It would beat sitting at home and whilst my youngest has lots of friends around I can at least escape the house. I don't know if Mrs. F. is going to be here. It all feels so strange after all of these years not to be with her on New Year's Eve. Perhaps I should see in the New Year as I mean to go on?
I'm running out of prescription tablets and now realise that I will run out before they get a chance to measure my Blood Pressure in just over a week's time. I reckon I can do without the drugs for a few days anyway so perhaps leave it until then and get the prescription sorted. What's a few days?
I have loads more eBay items to parcel up and post and that's tomorrow morning's chore I guess.
It's been a rough old week and only a few more days and that will be about it I think. I can get on with life a bit and start to prepare myself for a new life, in a new place, with a new view on the world.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
2013 - The Year That It All Changed
I see last year that things weren't good and in fact as I look back on this blog over the last 7 years or so - I can now see that it never really was great. For many years there had been a gradual erosion of my home life and I couldn't tell you even now why that was. Let's say that things hadn't been good for 20 years or so but they weren't unbearable or anything it's been a gradual process of wearing me down but I combated it with working abroad and long hours and working away and abroad so that I didn't need to be here. I made plenty of cash so that meant that the family never did without and I'd invested well when I was younger and that too meant that around the time I became ill we had little if any debt, the house was paid off, we both have pensions and so on.
In truth we can look at Bladder Cancer as the beginning of the change because since that time I've not had the sort of high powered top of the tree management jobs I used to have. Most of the old me was kicked into touch by being ill. The brash, go-getter, top of my game person no longer exists in that way. My stamina and ability to commit to a long term job or indeed to any job, possibly due to knowing that I really, deep down inside, didn't want to. I recollect writing a lot about collateral damage quite early on in the cycle of treatment I was having. I knew then, if I reflect on it, that it was only a matter of time until something had to change.
Without going in to all of the details, it's fair to say that things were failing on many fronts, communications being just one of them. Let's face it, lots of people have rows and disagreements. We tended not to have those, mainly because I don't particularly enjoy confrontation anymore and also that I am not a pleasant person to argue with anyway as I have a personality INTJ that makes me pretty adroit at it and you have to be on your game to counter me. I DO listen to you if you are arguing a good case in a good way and I can change my mind too. However in a situation in the house which is often contrived and illogical it can get very messy. Again, I look back at the blog and see a number of instances of this emotionally charged half digs that I tend to walk away from rather than see me bite and then proceed to destroy my opponent with words and logic.
On the subject of INTJs I cam across this which I thought was very interesting indeed. I looked long and hard at this because as you probably know I met someone in the middle of the year who made me completely re-think everything. More of that in a moment.
At the beginning of the year, I had been trying to work on what I wanted to do and the business that I am now looking at appeared to be the way forward but something was holding me back and it was to do with support and whether or not living here, in the way I was living was the right thing to do. I was also in the process of going through a series of Psychometric tests and then later some reasoning tests which led nowhere. To me, if I had have got one of those jobs I could have disappeared back into Corporate land and perhaps lived for a few more years in a work defined way, trying to find work that took me away as often as possible and that was all engrossing and I would have earned enough money to have bought Mrs. F. out of this house if necessary and that was an option as I was looking at the options until I realised that it wasn't just the marriage that was over but it was my old lifestyle too as I could no longer work with the "type of people" I had worked with most of my life (not all of them). By that I mean the sort of vacuous, wastes of Oxygen who don't add anything to life or society and appear to only be there to stop the rest of us achieving what we were tasked to do. The ones who are truly incompetent and I am often surprised how well they can breathe with their heads shoved so far up their own arses!
There were a number of reviews, the last throw of the dice I now realise, looking at other things we could do together. A B&B, small Hotel, a Tea Room, a Camp Site and Tea Room anything that might involve the two of us. Mrs. F. was interested until I produced the business plans and ideas and then they too were cast aside and I was left with this vacuum. I realised that Corporate Life may not be right and the people I spoke too were just see through, clone like tossers and I'd dealt with these sorts of people all my life. Surely there had to be something else and also why was I thinking like this? Sometimes I do things intuitively (well I would as an INTJ) and I wonder whether I was giving off an aura of "I don't care" dealing with them - I certainly held no punch back with one of them. The world's moved on and I don't want to be part of that world. I was faced with the choice and all I really wanted to do was to try and find something that I would be happy doing and I did a lot of looking around and did some more plans on perhaps doing some part time work and self employed work which, in part, I did actually do at one time.
My health continued to improve apart from, once again, feeling that I had a recurrence and also the suggestion that they had seen a tumour and once again living through the horrors of perhaps having to go through all of that again or perhaps losing my bladder. So that really challenged me and having to also wait for hours to have the operation - they once again got me in early but didn't operate until the afternoon! They found nothing - which was a great relief but that's twice now. Perhaps that brought it all back to me? I don't know maybe it jogged me into wondering what was I was doing? Here I was a recovered Cancer patient and it may be back and all the old dreams came back in those 4 weeks.
I had been losing weight and I noticed that the panic attacks and the claustrophobia were subsiding and I feel great these days - it was a case in point with a load of us squeezed into someone's living room a few nights ago and it was hot but I was fine - I didn't need to go gasping for air outside like I used to a few years before.
In the middle of the year someone I knew and I became very close and what ever you may want to call it, for it wasn't an affair, nor was it a fling but it was a collision of two people for a short while in the most intense and magical way. For a short time I was immersed in a relationship that could go nowhere but what it did for me was release my mind and allow me to open my eyes, ears and to start to see what life could hold for me. Suddenly it was a new awakening for me. Someone who appreciated me for who I was, who loved my music, my art, my books, my films. Who unlocked all the things that had shut down in me. My writing, my reading, my music everything that I used to be and no longer was.
Then I read Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' and suddenly it all started to make sense to me and I finally realised that for years and years I'd started to shut myself down and become withdrawn. That I'd appeased others and complied and that I was no longer ME. The real me is creative, fun, artistic, musical and above all suddenly I was able to gaze around me at the wonder that's around me. The countryside around here is fantastic and people are great too if you just give them time, if you look with eyes that don't judge and then I realised that I had to do something about it.
There was a sadness knowing that I couldn't go on with either my friendship nor with my marriage and both relationships were terminal and that both had to change if I was to move on. In August I told Mrs. F. that our marriage was over and in September my spiritual Angel and I moved on. I can't even begin to tell you how painful it was but for only a short time. I'm an INTJ, I realise that I have to move on, that whilst it was going to hurt like hell, it wouldn't be like that forever. Time heals but also the ability to realise that in fact I was - or would soon be - free. Free to go and build a life that I wanted, that expresses who I am, what makes me tick, how I like to live and it will be whatever it will be. It will be a bright new world and whether it lasts a month or many years, I plan to enjoy it and to make of it the best I can.
I could dwell on the past or list my regrets and 'what ifs' but to what end - it's all happened, I can do nothing about them. To let them rule my present would be counterproductive and achieve nothing except perhaps more misery and sadness and I've had 8 years of sadness and misery if not longer. In the summer, for a short time, I was alive and felt the sun shine on my body, the air move through the trees and the fields. I wandered around the countryside here on such a high and smelt every aroma, heard every sound and became alive again. I was awoken to how my life could be, what it was like to be loved and to love again. It was like a ray of sunshine from a black stormy cloudy day picking you out for a short while. I've never felt like that before but it was what I'd been looking for - perhaps for all my life. My own little Epiphany, my own realisation that it didn't have to be like "this" it could be wonderful, fulfilling, all encompassing, peaceful, fun, loving, musical, artistic and beautiful. If there is one sadness, it is that the person who unlocked this in me may never be part of it. Maybe that's the way it is. Some people live to enhance the lives of others and you just glance into them in your life and for a fleeting moment, that sunbeam on a stormy day, they light up your life and then they are gone.
Leaving that as a small disappointment on the year because I have to appreciate that it was a sign not a prophesy, I finally arrive at the end of the year in a bit of a bad place because it is difficult in the house. I know the girls both feel it as well and Mrs. F. is very very upset still and carries her misery around for all to see. The pain in this house can be felt everywhere, it's no longer the place it was and it isn't as happy as it once was but I'm not all to blame for that I feel. It takes two people to make things work and up until I got ill I felt that it was alright - not great - but we managed and we fitted around the arrangement. I did all the right things not necessarily for the right reasons and we got on and the kids did well and there was money for holidays and so on. After I got ill it all changed but gradually, not overnight.
2014 beckons me onwards. It will be a little frightening but an adventure and exciting too. It's a clean start for me and a new page. What I do with it is up to me but starting a new business and living a bachelor life should be fun in themselves. I have no doubt that there will be some surprises along the way - I will just have to deal with them as they come along that's all. I have no doubt that there will be a bit more pain in the divorce but this is now what I want and it would be nice to live the next phase of my life and try and be as 'alive' as I was in the middle of the year. Quite how I capture that again I don't know, it burns inside me now so perhaps I'm just waiting for the move to the new place to drop the burden I feel here and finally go live my life the way I want to.
A Happy New Year to you all
In truth we can look at Bladder Cancer as the beginning of the change because since that time I've not had the sort of high powered top of the tree management jobs I used to have. Most of the old me was kicked into touch by being ill. The brash, go-getter, top of my game person no longer exists in that way. My stamina and ability to commit to a long term job or indeed to any job, possibly due to knowing that I really, deep down inside, didn't want to. I recollect writing a lot about collateral damage quite early on in the cycle of treatment I was having. I knew then, if I reflect on it, that it was only a matter of time until something had to change.
Without going in to all of the details, it's fair to say that things were failing on many fronts, communications being just one of them. Let's face it, lots of people have rows and disagreements. We tended not to have those, mainly because I don't particularly enjoy confrontation anymore and also that I am not a pleasant person to argue with anyway as I have a personality INTJ that makes me pretty adroit at it and you have to be on your game to counter me. I DO listen to you if you are arguing a good case in a good way and I can change my mind too. However in a situation in the house which is often contrived and illogical it can get very messy. Again, I look back at the blog and see a number of instances of this emotionally charged half digs that I tend to walk away from rather than see me bite and then proceed to destroy my opponent with words and logic.
On the subject of INTJs I cam across this which I thought was very interesting indeed. I looked long and hard at this because as you probably know I met someone in the middle of the year who made me completely re-think everything. More of that in a moment.
At the beginning of the year, I had been trying to work on what I wanted to do and the business that I am now looking at appeared to be the way forward but something was holding me back and it was to do with support and whether or not living here, in the way I was living was the right thing to do. I was also in the process of going through a series of Psychometric tests and then later some reasoning tests which led nowhere. To me, if I had have got one of those jobs I could have disappeared back into Corporate land and perhaps lived for a few more years in a work defined way, trying to find work that took me away as often as possible and that was all engrossing and I would have earned enough money to have bought Mrs. F. out of this house if necessary and that was an option as I was looking at the options until I realised that it wasn't just the marriage that was over but it was my old lifestyle too as I could no longer work with the "type of people" I had worked with most of my life (not all of them). By that I mean the sort of vacuous, wastes of Oxygen who don't add anything to life or society and appear to only be there to stop the rest of us achieving what we were tasked to do. The ones who are truly incompetent and I am often surprised how well they can breathe with their heads shoved so far up their own arses!
There were a number of reviews, the last throw of the dice I now realise, looking at other things we could do together. A B&B, small Hotel, a Tea Room, a Camp Site and Tea Room anything that might involve the two of us. Mrs. F. was interested until I produced the business plans and ideas and then they too were cast aside and I was left with this vacuum. I realised that Corporate Life may not be right and the people I spoke too were just see through, clone like tossers and I'd dealt with these sorts of people all my life. Surely there had to be something else and also why was I thinking like this? Sometimes I do things intuitively (well I would as an INTJ) and I wonder whether I was giving off an aura of "I don't care" dealing with them - I certainly held no punch back with one of them. The world's moved on and I don't want to be part of that world. I was faced with the choice and all I really wanted to do was to try and find something that I would be happy doing and I did a lot of looking around and did some more plans on perhaps doing some part time work and self employed work which, in part, I did actually do at one time.
My health continued to improve apart from, once again, feeling that I had a recurrence and also the suggestion that they had seen a tumour and once again living through the horrors of perhaps having to go through all of that again or perhaps losing my bladder. So that really challenged me and having to also wait for hours to have the operation - they once again got me in early but didn't operate until the afternoon! They found nothing - which was a great relief but that's twice now. Perhaps that brought it all back to me? I don't know maybe it jogged me into wondering what was I was doing? Here I was a recovered Cancer patient and it may be back and all the old dreams came back in those 4 weeks.
I had been losing weight and I noticed that the panic attacks and the claustrophobia were subsiding and I feel great these days - it was a case in point with a load of us squeezed into someone's living room a few nights ago and it was hot but I was fine - I didn't need to go gasping for air outside like I used to a few years before.
In the middle of the year someone I knew and I became very close and what ever you may want to call it, for it wasn't an affair, nor was it a fling but it was a collision of two people for a short while in the most intense and magical way. For a short time I was immersed in a relationship that could go nowhere but what it did for me was release my mind and allow me to open my eyes, ears and to start to see what life could hold for me. Suddenly it was a new awakening for me. Someone who appreciated me for who I was, who loved my music, my art, my books, my films. Who unlocked all the things that had shut down in me. My writing, my reading, my music everything that I used to be and no longer was.
Then I read Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' and suddenly it all started to make sense to me and I finally realised that for years and years I'd started to shut myself down and become withdrawn. That I'd appeased others and complied and that I was no longer ME. The real me is creative, fun, artistic, musical and above all suddenly I was able to gaze around me at the wonder that's around me. The countryside around here is fantastic and people are great too if you just give them time, if you look with eyes that don't judge and then I realised that I had to do something about it.
There was a sadness knowing that I couldn't go on with either my friendship nor with my marriage and both relationships were terminal and that both had to change if I was to move on. In August I told Mrs. F. that our marriage was over and in September my spiritual Angel and I moved on. I can't even begin to tell you how painful it was but for only a short time. I'm an INTJ, I realise that I have to move on, that whilst it was going to hurt like hell, it wouldn't be like that forever. Time heals but also the ability to realise that in fact I was - or would soon be - free. Free to go and build a life that I wanted, that expresses who I am, what makes me tick, how I like to live and it will be whatever it will be. It will be a bright new world and whether it lasts a month or many years, I plan to enjoy it and to make of it the best I can.
I could dwell on the past or list my regrets and 'what ifs' but to what end - it's all happened, I can do nothing about them. To let them rule my present would be counterproductive and achieve nothing except perhaps more misery and sadness and I've had 8 years of sadness and misery if not longer. In the summer, for a short time, I was alive and felt the sun shine on my body, the air move through the trees and the fields. I wandered around the countryside here on such a high and smelt every aroma, heard every sound and became alive again. I was awoken to how my life could be, what it was like to be loved and to love again. It was like a ray of sunshine from a black stormy cloudy day picking you out for a short while. I've never felt like that before but it was what I'd been looking for - perhaps for all my life. My own little Epiphany, my own realisation that it didn't have to be like "this" it could be wonderful, fulfilling, all encompassing, peaceful, fun, loving, musical, artistic and beautiful. If there is one sadness, it is that the person who unlocked this in me may never be part of it. Maybe that's the way it is. Some people live to enhance the lives of others and you just glance into them in your life and for a fleeting moment, that sunbeam on a stormy day, they light up your life and then they are gone.
Leaving that as a small disappointment on the year because I have to appreciate that it was a sign not a prophesy, I finally arrive at the end of the year in a bit of a bad place because it is difficult in the house. I know the girls both feel it as well and Mrs. F. is very very upset still and carries her misery around for all to see. The pain in this house can be felt everywhere, it's no longer the place it was and it isn't as happy as it once was but I'm not all to blame for that I feel. It takes two people to make things work and up until I got ill I felt that it was alright - not great - but we managed and we fitted around the arrangement. I did all the right things not necessarily for the right reasons and we got on and the kids did well and there was money for holidays and so on. After I got ill it all changed but gradually, not overnight.
2014 beckons me onwards. It will be a little frightening but an adventure and exciting too. It's a clean start for me and a new page. What I do with it is up to me but starting a new business and living a bachelor life should be fun in themselves. I have no doubt that there will be some surprises along the way - I will just have to deal with them as they come along that's all. I have no doubt that there will be a bit more pain in the divorce but this is now what I want and it would be nice to live the next phase of my life and try and be as 'alive' as I was in the middle of the year. Quite how I capture that again I don't know, it burns inside me now so perhaps I'm just waiting for the move to the new place to drop the burden I feel here and finally go live my life the way I want to.
A Happy New Year to you all
Interesting Reading
I went back through my blog just doing some general random reading of posts and I started seeing a trend coming on about how I was being treated in the house by Mrs. F. and in some ways by the girls. It's surprising to see that I even wrote about them but I see that, at the time, they really p1ssed me off and I see my reaction to them was normally to walk away and not to get involved in it - or to explain something and walk away.
I see a pattern emerging in this and once again I feel OK with my decision. I do have other documents and notes and a huge mindmap that I used to set down all the problems I was facing and I just need to look at that and also I wrote a note for Mrs. F who wanted to know "why?" and that's pretty explicit and holds no punches back.
I think I might do a retrospective on 2013 because it has had just about everything in it for me. It has brought so many things together and it looks like I finally get my life back in 2014. That's something to be eternally grateful for. What I really like is that I will be able to get back my art, my music, my writing and my reading again. These things have been pruned from my life and absent for too many years IMHO. To be able to live in a house of music again will be great and to just pick up a book and read it will be magical. I feel like I've been some sort of Hermit these past 8 years or more.
I'm particularly impressed that I can go back over my writing and my other journals and find instances where the things I cite as reasons for divorce are clearly demonstrated and the results are often documented over the course of a day or more. It's damn late again so I'm going to head off to bed but I find that this blog and my journals are pretty good at fleshing out what is going on. I wonder whether I'll keep these blogs going though as this one has gone way beyond what it was for originally. Maybe I need open up a new one with my new chapter.
I see a pattern emerging in this and once again I feel OK with my decision. I do have other documents and notes and a huge mindmap that I used to set down all the problems I was facing and I just need to look at that and also I wrote a note for Mrs. F who wanted to know "why?" and that's pretty explicit and holds no punches back.
I think I might do a retrospective on 2013 because it has had just about everything in it for me. It has brought so many things together and it looks like I finally get my life back in 2014. That's something to be eternally grateful for. What I really like is that I will be able to get back my art, my music, my writing and my reading again. These things have been pruned from my life and absent for too many years IMHO. To be able to live in a house of music again will be great and to just pick up a book and read it will be magical. I feel like I've been some sort of Hermit these past 8 years or more.
I'm particularly impressed that I can go back over my writing and my other journals and find instances where the things I cite as reasons for divorce are clearly demonstrated and the results are often documented over the course of a day or more. It's damn late again so I'm going to head off to bed but I find that this blog and my journals are pretty good at fleshing out what is going on. I wonder whether I'll keep these blogs going though as this one has gone way beyond what it was for originally. Maybe I need open up a new one with my new chapter.
Not In The Same Room
Yes it's difficult - Mrs. F. doesn't stay in the same room as me at the moment so it is all a bit of a fun filled circus. I don't think it is done to make me feel bad - I think she doesn't still accept what is happening to her, her whole world is collapsing around her and the sooner I'm gone the better.
I believe the House that Flocky and I were interested in is being vacated later today which may help us kick start something along. The atmosphere is choking and as with many things like this the stress appears in ways you don't expect. Lying in bed and not feeling hungry and I'm in a sort of light depressive state at the moment. The trouble is that it's not easy to go and do anything although I've invented things that need doing and tomorrow I can see me sitting in my room taking up time doing them and letting Mrs. F have the run of the living room and the TV.
Of course I also feel bad for her too and so that's hurting me although I can do nothing to help her through it, I hate to be the person raining down this situation. I know, I know that it was me who got the rough end of a lot of it for quite a long time but even so I don't like the idea that what I do hurts people. But there you go.
So not long to live through this now - about half-way through this holiday period and half way through the agony of the separation. I can only imagine how upset she is going to be when I go and I think I will feel upset too. It will give me the freedom to get on a and build my business - something I am severely hampered with at the moment. I find I can't actually finish off the work on the detail of the business but I do feel that I've done all the work and it just needs me to pull it all together to get things moving. There are lots of details but they can be overcome and whilst I'd have liked a January start maybe it will be a bit later. Never mind - in the overall scheme of things - it just isn't important.
What is important is to work on staying calm (as possible) and to try and work through this. It is without doubt highly stressful and so I work on my breathing and also on my 'meditation' or more like it is inward thinking and reflecting. I can work on getting myself to good equilibrium but I find that I do need to work at it a little more. This is things like ignoring the past, not worrying about the future and living in the now and trying to enjoy all parts of it. I know that I am stressed as my tinnitus is back and has been since Christmas Eve. When I get an opportunity to concentrate on thinking things through I can bring it under control I do tend to get it under stress and of course, this being in the same house but no one's really talking to you is part of that burden you carry. I don't think anyone is doing anything "on purpose" it's just the dealing with it mechanism they employ.
I watched the animated movie 'Up' earlier - what a lovely movie that is, especially the first 5 or 10 minutes - quite emotional and sad in some ways and then later when the chap opens the album to see that the journey wasn't about travelling at all brought a smile to my face and I liked the fact that the writing stated that the couple's journey had ended but that his should go on and he should find new adventures. How sweet that was - how poignant in my case too I felt that it was similar in many ways that I've had a journey to get where I am today and everything that has happened contributed to it. Happy and Sad moments some amazing things have happened and 2014 just means to me that I turn that next page over in my book and the next journey will start.
I don't think that I've made a mess of my life and I don't look back with too many regrets now. I suppose I could go and say "what if" but those weren't taken and even if they had of been we can't predict whether they were anything to do with where we have arrived at. But at least I'm not leaving a mess behind me. I haven't gone out of my way to be nasty or to anything like it - I just hope for all our sakes that we at least stay in touch and continue to at least be friends although I'm not entirely convinced that is what it will be like for a while. I have to give Mrs. F lots of time I think.
I've been late every night this week, eaten too much rich food at all sorts of strange hours and had far too much drink as well. Clearly New Year's Day cannot come too soon for my body to get back into recovery mode!
I believe the House that Flocky and I were interested in is being vacated later today which may help us kick start something along. The atmosphere is choking and as with many things like this the stress appears in ways you don't expect. Lying in bed and not feeling hungry and I'm in a sort of light depressive state at the moment. The trouble is that it's not easy to go and do anything although I've invented things that need doing and tomorrow I can see me sitting in my room taking up time doing them and letting Mrs. F have the run of the living room and the TV.
Of course I also feel bad for her too and so that's hurting me although I can do nothing to help her through it, I hate to be the person raining down this situation. I know, I know that it was me who got the rough end of a lot of it for quite a long time but even so I don't like the idea that what I do hurts people. But there you go.
So not long to live through this now - about half-way through this holiday period and half way through the agony of the separation. I can only imagine how upset she is going to be when I go and I think I will feel upset too. It will give me the freedom to get on a and build my business - something I am severely hampered with at the moment. I find I can't actually finish off the work on the detail of the business but I do feel that I've done all the work and it just needs me to pull it all together to get things moving. There are lots of details but they can be overcome and whilst I'd have liked a January start maybe it will be a bit later. Never mind - in the overall scheme of things - it just isn't important.
What is important is to work on staying calm (as possible) and to try and work through this. It is without doubt highly stressful and so I work on my breathing and also on my 'meditation' or more like it is inward thinking and reflecting. I can work on getting myself to good equilibrium but I find that I do need to work at it a little more. This is things like ignoring the past, not worrying about the future and living in the now and trying to enjoy all parts of it. I know that I am stressed as my tinnitus is back and has been since Christmas Eve. When I get an opportunity to concentrate on thinking things through I can bring it under control I do tend to get it under stress and of course, this being in the same house but no one's really talking to you is part of that burden you carry. I don't think anyone is doing anything "on purpose" it's just the dealing with it mechanism they employ.
I watched the animated movie 'Up' earlier - what a lovely movie that is, especially the first 5 or 10 minutes - quite emotional and sad in some ways and then later when the chap opens the album to see that the journey wasn't about travelling at all brought a smile to my face and I liked the fact that the writing stated that the couple's journey had ended but that his should go on and he should find new adventures. How sweet that was - how poignant in my case too I felt that it was similar in many ways that I've had a journey to get where I am today and everything that has happened contributed to it. Happy and Sad moments some amazing things have happened and 2014 just means to me that I turn that next page over in my book and the next journey will start.
I don't think that I've made a mess of my life and I don't look back with too many regrets now. I suppose I could go and say "what if" but those weren't taken and even if they had of been we can't predict whether they were anything to do with where we have arrived at. But at least I'm not leaving a mess behind me. I haven't gone out of my way to be nasty or to anything like it - I just hope for all our sakes that we at least stay in touch and continue to at least be friends although I'm not entirely convinced that is what it will be like for a while. I have to give Mrs. F lots of time I think.
I've been late every night this week, eaten too much rich food at all sorts of strange hours and had far too much drink as well. Clearly New Year's Day cannot come too soon for my body to get back into recovery mode!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
So I was Invited
To be truthful I was being a bit devious by not asking whether there was a party last night or not and I thought I'd play it to the bitter end. It sort of worked as Mrs. F wandered in saying was I coming? Coming to what? I then protested that I didn't think I was invited but apparently I was. So as it was 10 minutes past when the party started I said I'd get ready and meet her there - I could do with the walk.
I did walk there arriving after her and left after her and walked back. I think it was gone 2 am when I arrived back but there you go. I enjoyed it but I was quiet for the first few hours - unusual for me but again - reflective mood I suppose. It got livelier afterwards so that was OK.
I'm feeling still a little low but not sick or anything more flat I suppose you'd call it, neither happy nor sad - just in between. I'm sure that will change eventually.
I think I am going to make it a point to drop off the drink in the New Year - at least the beer - in the last 4 weeks since I've been drinking leading up to Christmas I can see the affect on my waistline - it's frightening how quickly I've added a notch the wrong way on my belt. of course I'm only 3 or 4 pound heavier but it really notices. So once in the new place I will be on Red Wine only and no beer except for high days and holidays as they say. Certainly I will not be having them everyday or once a week or more as it has been of late.
I think I will make a conscious effort to draw the line after New Year, get back on diet and go for some more weight loss and see what I can do.
I did walk there arriving after her and left after her and walked back. I think it was gone 2 am when I arrived back but there you go. I enjoyed it but I was quiet for the first few hours - unusual for me but again - reflective mood I suppose. It got livelier afterwards so that was OK.
I'm feeling still a little low but not sick or anything more flat I suppose you'd call it, neither happy nor sad - just in between. I'm sure that will change eventually.
I think I am going to make it a point to drop off the drink in the New Year - at least the beer - in the last 4 weeks since I've been drinking leading up to Christmas I can see the affect on my waistline - it's frightening how quickly I've added a notch the wrong way on my belt. of course I'm only 3 or 4 pound heavier but it really notices. So once in the new place I will be on Red Wine only and no beer except for high days and holidays as they say. Certainly I will not be having them everyday or once a week or more as it has been of late.
I think I will make a conscious effort to draw the line after New Year, get back on diet and go for some more weight loss and see what I can do.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Progress Sure and Steady
It sounds like I'm down and yet I'm sort of low but it's just the situation here at the moment. It's difficult to explain it I suppose but when you are in constant contact with someone you've lived with all your life and you are splitting up it's pretty easy to get on each other's nerves - twice today I've had a bite back. I ask a question and get a sharp sound bite back that is all defensive and aggressive - it doesn't need to be as I calmly remind them (it isn't just Mrs. F) I didn't say why was something done in a certain way I asked where something was. It's pretty simple stuff but it's like this all the time and it is just constant and wearing. But then as Flocky and I discussed, it was like that all of our lives.
This slow, chipping away, this forever something wasn't right here or there or why are you doing that. Today was a case in point. No sooner had she arrived back with her Sister and her Boyfriend than I had to drop everything I was doing to go replace his car battery. I don't mind doing these things but a bit of notice would have been nice or even an inkling that I was expected to be doing it. I did get up and do it but this sort of attitude I've lived with all my life.
There's a good article here about it - it's absolutely bang on. Lots and lots of little niggles and digs and eventually it blows up into a big thing. Things that actually don't need to be said. They are power plays and again the book 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle looks at this Ego and Pain Body type stuff. For me it meant years of erosion of my self esteem and my self confidence already laid bare through the cancer and all of that. This 'misery' and 'pain' heaped onto me.
I know well enough that it isn't long now until that goes away and I don't need to suffer or feel it anymore. That will be great for me - a little unnerving to start with I am sure but I am sure I can grow into it and that's what I hope will happen. I've always been quite OK with my own company and that's not a problem to me. As long as I can have my music and get on and do my thing. Make a few bucks here and there and just get on with my new life.
How disturbing it has been that some people in the room knew our situation and others, Mrs. F's father, sister and brother (and their partners) did not know what was going on. It was a surreal few days. No wonder I felt strange. I suppose it will be a bit difficult to deny anything has happened when I don't live here! :-)
I just have to get through these days and realise that all these feelings are mixed. Somewhere it is the feelings of the end of an era and all the good times we had - for we did have good times and then there's the other bit that's the guilt which I pile on myself but when I think about it I did just about everything I possibly could and it didn't change - it got worse. Things are still bad - in fact no one has actually changed their behaviour that much I feel just as alienated as did last year as I do this. I know it's the right thing to do - just knew that it was going to be difficult and a little sh1tty.
This slow, chipping away, this forever something wasn't right here or there or why are you doing that. Today was a case in point. No sooner had she arrived back with her Sister and her Boyfriend than I had to drop everything I was doing to go replace his car battery. I don't mind doing these things but a bit of notice would have been nice or even an inkling that I was expected to be doing it. I did get up and do it but this sort of attitude I've lived with all my life.
There's a good article here about it - it's absolutely bang on. Lots and lots of little niggles and digs and eventually it blows up into a big thing. Things that actually don't need to be said. They are power plays and again the book 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle looks at this Ego and Pain Body type stuff. For me it meant years of erosion of my self esteem and my self confidence already laid bare through the cancer and all of that. This 'misery' and 'pain' heaped onto me.
I know well enough that it isn't long now until that goes away and I don't need to suffer or feel it anymore. That will be great for me - a little unnerving to start with I am sure but I am sure I can grow into it and that's what I hope will happen. I've always been quite OK with my own company and that's not a problem to me. As long as I can have my music and get on and do my thing. Make a few bucks here and there and just get on with my new life.
How disturbing it has been that some people in the room knew our situation and others, Mrs. F's father, sister and brother (and their partners) did not know what was going on. It was a surreal few days. No wonder I felt strange. I suppose it will be a bit difficult to deny anything has happened when I don't live here! :-)
I just have to get through these days and realise that all these feelings are mixed. Somewhere it is the feelings of the end of an era and all the good times we had - for we did have good times and then there's the other bit that's the guilt which I pile on myself but when I think about it I did just about everything I possibly could and it didn't change - it got worse. Things are still bad - in fact no one has actually changed their behaviour that much I feel just as alienated as did last year as I do this. I know it's the right thing to do - just knew that it was going to be difficult and a little sh1tty.
Heavy Feeling
Life's sort of heavy at the moment - burdensome and it's that Mrs. F is here all day and so am I and the kids are here too. Communications are kept to a business level and that's OK I think but it is very curt and matter of fact - at least we are talking :-)
Not feeling great - haven't eaten at all today and it's gone 1 pm and still don't feel like eating anything at all. I find that all this rich food doesn't really agree with me - not that I've over indulged on the food. Now the beer I do seem to have gone through a little more than I thought I would have but that's me "coping" and seemingly the only drinker in the house - I guess it is me that drank all those cans :-)
Nice to see Flocky for a few coffees this morning too that was good - lightens up my mood and he's in a good place too so that's great news.
I can't moan - I see on Facebook another chap who is having a particularly nasty divorce went around to walk the dog and bumped into the new man who had stayed overnight at his old house etc etc etc. He didn't see the funny side - who would :-( Poor sod he is the "victim" as such I suppose there's the instigator and the victim in all of these. Mrs. F. is the victim in our particular case but living in the same house for the moment has been a strain - at least I know it's not long to go now and I can get away and hopefully take a few days to get my head around it and then take a deep breath, gird up my loins and move on. :-)
I believe there is a party tonight. I have no idea if I am invited, no one has told me about it but I am aware it is happening. Wondering whether to go or not anyway!
Not feeling great - haven't eaten at all today and it's gone 1 pm and still don't feel like eating anything at all. I find that all this rich food doesn't really agree with me - not that I've over indulged on the food. Now the beer I do seem to have gone through a little more than I thought I would have but that's me "coping" and seemingly the only drinker in the house - I guess it is me that drank all those cans :-)
Nice to see Flocky for a few coffees this morning too that was good - lightens up my mood and he's in a good place too so that's great news.
I can't moan - I see on Facebook another chap who is having a particularly nasty divorce went around to walk the dog and bumped into the new man who had stayed overnight at his old house etc etc etc. He didn't see the funny side - who would :-( Poor sod he is the "victim" as such I suppose there's the instigator and the victim in all of these. Mrs. F. is the victim in our particular case but living in the same house for the moment has been a strain - at least I know it's not long to go now and I can get away and hopefully take a few days to get my head around it and then take a deep breath, gird up my loins and move on. :-)
I believe there is a party tonight. I have no idea if I am invited, no one has told me about it but I am aware it is happening. Wondering whether to go or not anyway!
Here comes the bad weather again
Really windy again outside. Had a funny old day again today - didn't feel great to start with and after a few drinks seemed to come back into kilter again. I'm pretty certain it is that I know it's my last Christmas here and together with the family. It was so strange to know that half the room knew and half didn't and funnily I've only let slip one detail about getting a place to start my business so it wasn't too bad!
We've had a small mouse infestation - two of the little blighters met their maker last night and I think I just heard one of the traps go off again a few moments ago.
Got a note from my friend who didn't call me - apologising about that but it isn't a problem. Got a note from someone who bid for some stuff on eBay, ignored me every day that I wrote and sent invoices suggesting that her baby had done the bidding :-) Of course that's possible but not on successive days surely? So it's out of my hands and I suggested they contact eBay with the excuse - it's good but not realistic!
As for me, well I'm OK but a little sad because I know that this year marks the end of this sort of family gathering and whilst I'm separating from my wife I kind of realise that I'm also separating from my kids too - not that I want to but that's what it feels like and I didn't expect that. I was interested to hear that L may be going on holiday with Mrs. F. this year and that our trip to Las Vegas may not be on as L thinks she will be working. I kind of think that you should do what pleases you but no one else thought I was right. Ho Hum. She's 21 and apparently legally able to drink in the US - of course here it is 18.
Me, well I'm past Christmas and Boxing day and heading off towards New Year's Eve and so far so good. I kind of feel very strange indeed and I just know that it is because change is coming. Change I want, change that I know needs to happen but also there has to be a certain amount of trepidation in that too. There's also the life that I dreamed of but won't be fulfilled. All my earlier dreams of the summer aren't going to happen and that to me is a huge disappointment but I've learnt to live with that now but it still remains a problem that sort of recurs and whilst I can deal with it, I don't always manage to catch it in time. Maybe I will have the life I desire but it wont be this year coming. Perhaps I will find myself able to choose a direction - I don't know. The main thing is to deal with the present, dismiss the past and not worry about the future. That seems to me to be goal I can achieve quite easily.
We've had a small mouse infestation - two of the little blighters met their maker last night and I think I just heard one of the traps go off again a few moments ago.
Got a note from my friend who didn't call me - apologising about that but it isn't a problem. Got a note from someone who bid for some stuff on eBay, ignored me every day that I wrote and sent invoices suggesting that her baby had done the bidding :-) Of course that's possible but not on successive days surely? So it's out of my hands and I suggested they contact eBay with the excuse - it's good but not realistic!
As for me, well I'm OK but a little sad because I know that this year marks the end of this sort of family gathering and whilst I'm separating from my wife I kind of realise that I'm also separating from my kids too - not that I want to but that's what it feels like and I didn't expect that. I was interested to hear that L may be going on holiday with Mrs. F. this year and that our trip to Las Vegas may not be on as L thinks she will be working. I kind of think that you should do what pleases you but no one else thought I was right. Ho Hum. She's 21 and apparently legally able to drink in the US - of course here it is 18.
Me, well I'm past Christmas and Boxing day and heading off towards New Year's Eve and so far so good. I kind of feel very strange indeed and I just know that it is because change is coming. Change I want, change that I know needs to happen but also there has to be a certain amount of trepidation in that too. There's also the life that I dreamed of but won't be fulfilled. All my earlier dreams of the summer aren't going to happen and that to me is a huge disappointment but I've learnt to live with that now but it still remains a problem that sort of recurs and whilst I can deal with it, I don't always manage to catch it in time. Maybe I will have the life I desire but it wont be this year coming. Perhaps I will find myself able to choose a direction - I don't know. The main thing is to deal with the present, dismiss the past and not worry about the future. That seems to me to be goal I can achieve quite easily.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Not Right Though
I'm hoping that it is just the rich food that's making me feel not to well - I'd guess it is also stress and slightly underlying feelings associated with this particular Christmas. My mate used to swear by Brandy and Port as something to ease things out - it seemed to work yesterday not so much today though. Been crazy as Sister In Law's boyfriend's car wouldn't start last night so we managed to get it going with jump leads and she has just rung up with him not feeling well - stuck in a layby and so A and Mrs. F. have gone off to rescue them.
We are expecting more people around today and I do feel slightly shaky - not sure what it is but there you go.
Oh well - let's hope that they rescue them, I settle down a little and we have another good day given the circumstances. I know this is only a temporary thing, these feelings and they will soon go away.
We are expecting more people around today and I do feel slightly shaky - not sure what it is but there you go.
Oh well - let's hope that they rescue them, I settle down a little and we have another good day given the circumstances. I know this is only a temporary thing, these feelings and they will soon go away.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Not Too Bad
Excepting that Mrs. F got me a small present and I didn't get her one. That's OK though. It was a much better day than I could have envisaged.
So far so good. I am pretty pleased that it has gone so good so far.
So far so good. I am pretty pleased that it has gone so good so far.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Damn It I Feel Sad
I've been kept out of the preparations for most of the day and they've all gone to Church and I've just had a shower and suddenly I've come over all sad and it's bound to be that this is the last Christmas that I'll be in this house, in this situation and that somehow I'd expected things to be a bit different. I didn't expect to still be here for Christmas I suppose which is a big change. Additionally I also guess that I had thoughts of sharing it with someone else - but that was just a pipe dream and could never be either.
The combination of being the "bad" guy tonight and being on my own in a house full of people is a bit disturbing. I'll make the most of it though. I've not been tempted to have a drink yet - I've eaten a big lunch so as to make sure there is something to settle any booze onto. I am aware that I need to take it easy too.
I hope it will be a good night tonight I'd hate to think that through my presence it would disturb any harmony there may be there. I suppose it's up to everyone else - if they don't want to be happy I reckon. I will go there with the right attitude and just see how it pans out.
I don't expect to be cut too much slack from Mrs. F and the girls although L is always good value so I hope that she helps to make the evening. Just need to grin and bear it I suppose.
The combination of being the "bad" guy tonight and being on my own in a house full of people is a bit disturbing. I'll make the most of it though. I've not been tempted to have a drink yet - I've eaten a big lunch so as to make sure there is something to settle any booze onto. I am aware that I need to take it easy too.
I hope it will be a good night tonight I'd hate to think that through my presence it would disturb any harmony there may be there. I suppose it's up to everyone else - if they don't want to be happy I reckon. I will go there with the right attitude and just see how it pans out.
I don't expect to be cut too much slack from Mrs. F and the girls although L is always good value so I hope that she helps to make the evening. Just need to grin and bear it I suppose.
And So It Begins
I was interested to read an article recently in the Daily Mail (OK it raises your blood pressure and isn't really news at all). I've managed to wean my mum off reading it because it is a stream of bad news and over hyped news threads that are there, after all, to sell newspapers and to play on the pain body of people.
The article says a fair bit about emasculation and I have to say I related to it because over the years that's how I've felt it has been. Regular readers will remember where things that need to be done in the house need to be done NOW. If I don't drop what I'm doing it gets attempted to be done as if I'm at fault. Today is an interesting point. I normally do a fair amount of the preparation for Christmas Day on Christmas Eve. I especially do the Gammon, my speciality. Not today - that's being done now by Mrs. F and the children. Preparing the Veg. No that's also been done. So that's all my usual jobs gone for today. Heaven alone knows if I will get a look in tomorrow to do the meal itself. I imagine I will but we will see.
I'm now keeping out of the way as it is just too difficult and I've been ignored twice already - not sure if she's deaf or just being obtuse. As I said to Flocky - I've only got to endure this for this year. I have no idea what I will do next year and does it matter? Probably not. It's going to be a rough few days I know but I can ride this out, I've ridden out bad storms before and I know that once this is over, I can be on my way and it's behind me then.
I like the idea of drawing the line (previous posting) and then moving on from there. I wonder whether I will just spring clean my friends and contacts and start anew? It is very tempting to just sever all ties with many of them and just forget about them and move on. It clears away cobwebs and history, it removes temptation and allows me some freedom to move on and upwards.
I find the thing that I will miss the most about not being here in the Village is the opportunity to go for my walks and silly things like heading to the Curry House or the local Pub, the Post Office and those familiar places and faces. It is the place I've lived longest having lived here twice. It feels like home in many ways. I may well be able to move back this way or around here somewhere. Time will tell.
So - it is interesting that Mrs. F. is keeping herself very busy at the moment - her way of dealing with it and at the same time, I don't think it is deliberate, I'm edged out of all my usual duties. Just like I was on everything else I used to do. It's been a gradual erosion of my position since the kids were born I think. It's been coming for years and years and like most blokes, I do anything to keep the peace and in fact added to the downfall. I see that I've just been one to go with the flow but that's led me here. Oh well hindsight is a wonderful thing, it felt at the time I was doing the right thing.
I need to be on my guard today not to hit the booze too - it is very easy when we go to the party to drink especially if I am being ignored or isolated which I have no doubt will happen as Mrs. F. will seek out and be in the kitchen with the other ladies. Maybe the lads will spend a bit of time with me - not holding my breath though.
As I said earlier, this time next year this will all be over and I'll be doing something else I guess. It doesn't matter what that something is as long as I'm happier then than I am now (not difficult). Looking forward to 2014 and to say goodbye to 2013 a year of so many emotions, contrasts and of such change. It's had absolutely everything.
The article says a fair bit about emasculation and I have to say I related to it because over the years that's how I've felt it has been. Regular readers will remember where things that need to be done in the house need to be done NOW. If I don't drop what I'm doing it gets attempted to be done as if I'm at fault. Today is an interesting point. I normally do a fair amount of the preparation for Christmas Day on Christmas Eve. I especially do the Gammon, my speciality. Not today - that's being done now by Mrs. F and the children. Preparing the Veg. No that's also been done. So that's all my usual jobs gone for today. Heaven alone knows if I will get a look in tomorrow to do the meal itself. I imagine I will but we will see.
I'm now keeping out of the way as it is just too difficult and I've been ignored twice already - not sure if she's deaf or just being obtuse. As I said to Flocky - I've only got to endure this for this year. I have no idea what I will do next year and does it matter? Probably not. It's going to be a rough few days I know but I can ride this out, I've ridden out bad storms before and I know that once this is over, I can be on my way and it's behind me then.
I like the idea of drawing the line (previous posting) and then moving on from there. I wonder whether I will just spring clean my friends and contacts and start anew? It is very tempting to just sever all ties with many of them and just forget about them and move on. It clears away cobwebs and history, it removes temptation and allows me some freedom to move on and upwards.
I find the thing that I will miss the most about not being here in the Village is the opportunity to go for my walks and silly things like heading to the Curry House or the local Pub, the Post Office and those familiar places and faces. It is the place I've lived longest having lived here twice. It feels like home in many ways. I may well be able to move back this way or around here somewhere. Time will tell.
So - it is interesting that Mrs. F. is keeping herself very busy at the moment - her way of dealing with it and at the same time, I don't think it is deliberate, I'm edged out of all my usual duties. Just like I was on everything else I used to do. It's been a gradual erosion of my position since the kids were born I think. It's been coming for years and years and like most blokes, I do anything to keep the peace and in fact added to the downfall. I see that I've just been one to go with the flow but that's led me here. Oh well hindsight is a wonderful thing, it felt at the time I was doing the right thing.
I need to be on my guard today not to hit the booze too - it is very easy when we go to the party to drink especially if I am being ignored or isolated which I have no doubt will happen as Mrs. F. will seek out and be in the kitchen with the other ladies. Maybe the lads will spend a bit of time with me - not holding my breath though.
As I said earlier, this time next year this will all be over and I'll be doing something else I guess. It doesn't matter what that something is as long as I'm happier then than I am now (not difficult). Looking forward to 2014 and to say goodbye to 2013 a year of so many emotions, contrasts and of such change. It's had absolutely everything.
Exactly - Now's The Time
Time to draw a line under everything that has gone before and move on with a nice new sheet of paper. The past is history and doesn't need to come along on the new journey. Time to leave my regrets and disappointments as I can't do anything about them, they've happened and that's that.
Live for the now.
Monday, December 23, 2013
And So - It Is Time To Accept Your Medicine And To Move On
When I was really ill and I had to have Chemotherapy I realised that I'd have to "accept my medicine" and as hard and as stressful as it was, I would have to go through with it if I were to combat the Cancer and if I was to give myself any chance of being well again. There's a pay off for the pain you go through and whilst it isn't a measure of efficacy it is a re enforcement of "no pain no gain" sort of psyche.
The reason that I'm taking all this so well is that it isn't the physical pain nor the mental pain that can get me - I know that. I try my very hardest not to be affected but I'm not always successful at it. Waves of self doubt wash over me but I know that my course is true, that my cause is just and that I am doing the right thing.
What I wish for myself right now, is not attainable which is unfortunate. I will not end up with the person I wanted to end up with, in the circumstances I dreamed of and that met my dreams and overactive imagination. So disappointment all around in many ways. My dreams and my ambitions of many years lie ruined at my feet. Or do they? I cannot write off my marriage, my children nor my life up until now. They are what they are. I'm proud and love my children very much and they've turned out to be very nice human beings :-) In many ways my wife and I were very happy for many years and built this life and all the material things around us.
I say it is all in ruins but perhaps that's because at the moment it does look like that. Beyond the veneer I expect it to be a lot different. I see my life changing significantly and I do hope that Mrs. F. will grasp the opportunity to move on in her life too. I so hope so.
An evening with Flocky was good tonight to sort of tune our heads again. He had last year the Christmas I am about to endure. My last family one, half the people around Christmas day will know what is going on and half will not. It is difficult but once this is over - new opportunities arise and new horizons appear. I feel that it is already taking place and acceptance is near. It is awkward as we look back to about 24 years or more of family Christmas gatherings. Presents on Christmas Day and the joy of being a family together. I feel like the "baddie" in the Pantomime - all the audience hissing and spitting at me :-) Oh well - it wont last long and I can move on. This time next year will be whatever life has in store for me.
How the New Year calls me on to greater things and how I look forward to being my own person again. At the moment I am not really getting to grips with the business and other things because I'm still stuck here in the house which has "atmosphere" shall we say. Roll on 2014 and a new leaf in my life.
The reason that I'm taking all this so well is that it isn't the physical pain nor the mental pain that can get me - I know that. I try my very hardest not to be affected but I'm not always successful at it. Waves of self doubt wash over me but I know that my course is true, that my cause is just and that I am doing the right thing.
What I wish for myself right now, is not attainable which is unfortunate. I will not end up with the person I wanted to end up with, in the circumstances I dreamed of and that met my dreams and overactive imagination. So disappointment all around in many ways. My dreams and my ambitions of many years lie ruined at my feet. Or do they? I cannot write off my marriage, my children nor my life up until now. They are what they are. I'm proud and love my children very much and they've turned out to be very nice human beings :-) In many ways my wife and I were very happy for many years and built this life and all the material things around us.
I say it is all in ruins but perhaps that's because at the moment it does look like that. Beyond the veneer I expect it to be a lot different. I see my life changing significantly and I do hope that Mrs. F. will grasp the opportunity to move on in her life too. I so hope so.
An evening with Flocky was good tonight to sort of tune our heads again. He had last year the Christmas I am about to endure. My last family one, half the people around Christmas day will know what is going on and half will not. It is difficult but once this is over - new opportunities arise and new horizons appear. I feel that it is already taking place and acceptance is near. It is awkward as we look back to about 24 years or more of family Christmas gatherings. Presents on Christmas Day and the joy of being a family together. I feel like the "baddie" in the Pantomime - all the audience hissing and spitting at me :-) Oh well - it wont last long and I can move on. This time next year will be whatever life has in store for me.
How the New Year calls me on to greater things and how I look forward to being my own person again. At the moment I am not really getting to grips with the business and other things because I'm still stuck here in the house which has "atmosphere" shall we say. Roll on 2014 and a new leaf in my life.
Christmas Starts Today
The Turkey and other bits will arrive courtesy of DHL if they can battle through the gales and rain that is (Update: Arrived). The house looks ready, I've hopefully wrapped and am about to post the last of the eBay stuff (for a while). I've managed to get up after an awful night's sleep. Frankly I should have slept like a log but was having a number of things rattling around in my head mainly related to a phone call I am going to have at lunchtime today.
I haven't spoken to "my Angel" for over 5 months now and whilst we exchange pleasantries online we haven't spoken for real since I met her briefly for a coffee one day. She means so much to me but in the New Year I need to be in a position where she meant so much to me. That little change in tense should say why I was in a bit of turmoil overnight because it's a statement of moving on and letting go of my past and despite all that happened in 2013 and all that it meant, how I felt, how it enabled me to finally become self-aware and the great debt I owe, the only way to really repay that is to make use of it and move on.
Because it feels ungrateful it gives me problems but also whatever thoughts and ideas I may have had about the future haven't happened, aren't likely to happen and cannot be forced to happen and anyway, none of it is in my control either. It's like Tantalus and I will never be able to achieve what lies ahead if stay in the same place grasping for the same thing - it isn't going to happen. Being human often means that you grip on and chase things that are impossible or can never happen. If they were meant to happen then they would. It's no use trying to force it.
I have no doubt that we will remain friends but I want today to be a turning point for me. So much is changing around this time of year. It's my last Christmas in this house, my last "together" so to speak. It will be the last as a family unit and I have no idea what it will be like next year. I have no idea of my situation. The New Year is always a good starting point for resolutions etc, a milestone of sorts and I won't be able to go into 2014 carrying any baggage. I'm sure there will be some and that there are regrets and of course everything isn't ideal. I just made myself "poor" and of course made Mrs. F. the same but it isn't all about that by any means.
The one thing that has to come about has to be for me to become happier and to live my life and start to rebuild and enjoy myself. I find it a shame that I've been "unhappy" for such a long time and didn't do anything about it. Soon, I'll be in a position to be happy and to have, as near as possible a clean sheet of paper to work with. Let's hope I make the most of my opportunities and just enjoy it every day. Keeping the worries about the future at bay will be a challenge but I have the tools to do that - I just need to work on using them and keeping positive.
I haven't spoken to "my Angel" for over 5 months now and whilst we exchange pleasantries online we haven't spoken for real since I met her briefly for a coffee one day. She means so much to me but in the New Year I need to be in a position where she meant so much to me. That little change in tense should say why I was in a bit of turmoil overnight because it's a statement of moving on and letting go of my past and despite all that happened in 2013 and all that it meant, how I felt, how it enabled me to finally become self-aware and the great debt I owe, the only way to really repay that is to make use of it and move on.
Because it feels ungrateful it gives me problems but also whatever thoughts and ideas I may have had about the future haven't happened, aren't likely to happen and cannot be forced to happen and anyway, none of it is in my control either. It's like Tantalus and I will never be able to achieve what lies ahead if stay in the same place grasping for the same thing - it isn't going to happen. Being human often means that you grip on and chase things that are impossible or can never happen. If they were meant to happen then they would. It's no use trying to force it.
I have no doubt that we will remain friends but I want today to be a turning point for me. So much is changing around this time of year. It's my last Christmas in this house, my last "together" so to speak. It will be the last as a family unit and I have no idea what it will be like next year. I have no idea of my situation. The New Year is always a good starting point for resolutions etc, a milestone of sorts and I won't be able to go into 2014 carrying any baggage. I'm sure there will be some and that there are regrets and of course everything isn't ideal. I just made myself "poor" and of course made Mrs. F. the same but it isn't all about that by any means.
The one thing that has to come about has to be for me to become happier and to live my life and start to rebuild and enjoy myself. I find it a shame that I've been "unhappy" for such a long time and didn't do anything about it. Soon, I'll be in a position to be happy and to have, as near as possible a clean sheet of paper to work with. Let's hope I make the most of my opportunities and just enjoy it every day. Keeping the worries about the future at bay will be a challenge but I have the tools to do that - I just need to work on using them and keeping positive.
It's Too Easy
To do what I did today. I went out for a walk, went to both pubs in the village and had just a few beers and soaked up the atmosphere. Got an invite to New Year's Eve at the Woodman (maybe I'll go). What was too easy was that on the way home I bought half a bottle of Scotch and I note that 3/4 of that is gone! I don't feel particularly drunk - I've been drinking steadily all day I suppose.
Got another one of "those" moments as well when told I'd need to be in Monday as the food was being delivered - it was the first I'd heard as I was told that both girls would be in. Let's hope it arrives early in case I need to be out! Thanks for the notice. I shouldn't be surprised either that people just go to bed without saying goodnight and people come and go and don't tell me. I suppose that's just making me feel like I feel anyway :-) It will soon be over and that's what I keep telling myself - in a month it will all be over and I can get on with a newish life and have none of these "pressures" and pains. Well that's what I hope anyway.
It was interesting that things are being put in boxes for me - like all my Chinese crockery and other stuff of mine. In a way I'm glad that it is beginning to be like that - much as it hurts - it does mean Mrs. F. has accepted that it is going to happen.
Got another one of "those" moments as well when told I'd need to be in Monday as the food was being delivered - it was the first I'd heard as I was told that both girls would be in. Let's hope it arrives early in case I need to be out! Thanks for the notice. I shouldn't be surprised either that people just go to bed without saying goodnight and people come and go and don't tell me. I suppose that's just making me feel like I feel anyway :-) It will soon be over and that's what I keep telling myself - in a month it will all be over and I can get on with a newish life and have none of these "pressures" and pains. Well that's what I hope anyway.
It was interesting that things are being put in boxes for me - like all my Chinese crockery and other stuff of mine. In a way I'm glad that it is beginning to be like that - much as it hurts - it does mean Mrs. F. has accepted that it is going to happen.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Sunday - Should Have Been Going Out
But wasn't certain that being set up with a blind date just before Christmas was actually a good thing. It's like the body isn't cold yet and I'm really not ready for all of this again, not so soon anyway. I am recovering from the shock and disappointment and I'm not sure how I would react or behave because despite saying it isn't affecting me as much as it may perhaps should I'd be a very cold fish indeed if it wasn't affecting me in some way.
I wondered whether to just jump on a Plane after Christmas - perhaps I will if it isn't nice. Or maybe go hit some other bolt hole. As usual though I really need to be here to have a look at the house but I suppose if that got sorted PDQ then maybe I could head off for a while. But wait, I have a committee meeting to attend to as well! And yet again once that and a few other things are out of the way perhaps a short break might be a good thing? Who knows - I can work on that later no doubt.
I wondered whether to just jump on a Plane after Christmas - perhaps I will if it isn't nice. Or maybe go hit some other bolt hole. As usual though I really need to be here to have a look at the house but I suppose if that got sorted PDQ then maybe I could head off for a while. But wait, I have a committee meeting to attend to as well! And yet again once that and a few other things are out of the way perhaps a short break might be a good thing? Who knows - I can work on that later no doubt.
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