October

My how time flies by - tomorrow is October and things get interesting as I should be starting my course on Saturday! This blog is coming up for its second anniversary and I have a list of things to do as long as your arm! If your arm is 12 foot long that is!

Now IS the time to get back to being organised and yet yesterday was a nightmare tonight wasn't a lot better - I finally got around to completing a 200 envelope mailing that I started on Saturday.

I'm working like crazy at the moment to catch up with the workload I have both at home and at work and whilst I am keeping on top of it - it is all just in time and there isn't a plan.

Maybe by the weekend I will have finally got organised.

At least

I didn't end up down at the pub but was late home and have a pile of work to get through.

I seem to be able to last enough time to get home now - last week was very different. The feeling of having a full bladder (even when it isn't) and finding yourself caught short is pretty awful I have to say. But there you go, it seems to have passed now and at least I don't have the worry and nervousness of that journey.

It was nice to finally meet George Emsden this afternoon. George has Throat Cancer last year and he documented it in his blog (currently being moved). If you thought my treatment was bad, I can assure you that I would have totally freaked out with what George had to go through as he had to wear a mask whilst under treatment for throat cancer.

Well we both looked well and in top form today!

Chaotic day and I hope tomorrow is a little quieter.

How on earth

I managed to get up this morning I don't know. I suppose it is only once in a while - that said I out again tonight from work! I will be surprised if I manage to get through the whole week burning away like this. I also need to work out quite how I am going to apportion my time too.

It is a bit of a nightmare working out how I am going to get enough time together to work and do the course coming up starting next week.

Monday wipe out

Getting back to work was bad enough - yawns and tiredness were one thing. I was meant to be home but at about 4:30 got a call to go and meet an old friend. We went for one beer - I daren't even tell you how many that turned into.... Enough I think. Things got worse as a bunch more people that I knew turned up and suddenly it was gone 9 and I was meant to be home at 6:30.

I don't want to mention what got said.... However, not happy as there was bad news awaiting me when I arrived home.

Paid for working on Saturday

Wow did I ever pay for working on Saturday today. I had to do a fair amount of work sending out letters and packing envelopes - about 150 in total. By mid afternoon - I had just managed to watch the F1 Grand Prix and then went to sleep for about 2 hours in total I guess. I knew I bought my comfy chair for a good reason :-)

I ought to get off to bed now and try and see how I am for the morning. I haven't actually been at work since last Tuesday even though I have actually worked for most of the week!

Fraught but a nice day

On Saturday it was a lovely day, the Autumn sunshine burnt off the fog and it was a busy day. We were on duty from 8 am looking after car parking, guiding visitors to various areas and then had to dash off to get ready for the meeting itself.

It was nice getting promoted and then we were once again busy setting up the dining area ready for the meal. It came as a bit of a surprise that we were to serve the wine rather than, as in all previous years, to just put bottles out on the table. However, we got that organised and managed to do that.

I retired to the bar with one of my guests in the afternoon and we had a couple of beers before his wife kindly gave me a lift home.

After getting changed I relaxed into the comfy chair and snoozed :-)

It is always nice that people you know come up and ask you how you are. It was a great relief to tell them how well I was and how things have progressed so well. This time last year when we were at Margate I was just about to go into Hospital to see how the second lot of treatment had tackled the precancerous biopsies of the previous tests. Well a year on, I suppose I can be reasonably confident in saying that I'm still clear! How great is that?

I really enjoy going to these events and being involved and I was pleased that it worked as well as it did.

I also got some good news that I can step down as Assistant Secretary of one of my Lodges as a youngster ought to take that on, I was surprised that they are going to offer me Chaplain though, it is a very senior job in a Lodge. Wow! Mind you it then made me realise that I am now getting to be one of the older people in the Lodge!

I needed that - not!

I had a small team assisting me and all was fine but we ran out of work and I checked that there was one thing left to do. So I sent the lads off home and 2 hours later I went home - they had forgotten that a load of things had to be put up and so I ended up doing that.

It is going to be chaos again tomorrow as I have only half a team to do the work needed.

Oh well, what is the worst that can happen?

Off out

It will be an interesting day today and tomorrow. I have to go and coordinate the Lodge members to look after a big Provincial Meeting. All very well but when half of them aren't going to turn up and you are at least 8 people short it is going to make tomorrow a very long day indeed.

I get promoted tomorrow so I am looking forward to that and I have a couple of guests for the lunch as well so I am looking forward to a day out. Last year it was in Margate so - you may recall, I went down with a friend and we had quite a good time down there. I have a feeling I may have missed the year before when it was again local due to coming out of Hospital and having had the 2nd TURBT when it should have been routine biopsies - I well remember now how rough I was too after that particular experience.

It will be nice to get back to having this one locally apart from the lads and I will be running around like mad things to cover all the bases.

Previous Post

It probably wasn't clear but the point is that when I get ill now I find it quite hard to take time off or to actually be ill. For 30 years I hardly ever had a day off in my life and to start now and to find that I am genuinely not well is difficult to take -it almost affronted me if I ever took time off, I suppose I come from that sort of background where you would almost be accused of malingering if you didn't go back to work the day after having your leg cut off etc :-)

The reality is that I've never had so much time off, I've never been so fatigued, unable to complete things when I wanted to and generally not been up for doing things. Sometimes I'd rather stay at home and watch the TV than get up and go out somewhere. When I do go out I get tired quickly, cannot keep up and often these days, leave early and come home early.

Now I realise that I must have been ill as I can clearly remember what it was like before and after and I can compare, now that I am gradually getting back to a normal life (whatever normal may be), one with the other.

It is clearly a case of the mind thinks it can do something and the body is saying no. Occasionally my brain actually works out that beforehand too. It is just so annoying that I'm not fit and I'm not as mentally and physically agile as I was a few years ago. then is when the reality hits home and the fall off of performance is surprising. I find it hard to believe that I have lost so much strength physically and indeed, in some cases, mentally.

I'm not sure I want to accept it though, surely you get back to where you were before? Maybe not? Two of my friends are still coming to terms with it years afterwards.

I have absolutely No Idea

How ill I have been or how close I was to things getting worse than they already were. I can guess that another layer of cells invaded would have been very bad indeed and a few more hundredths of a millimetre may well have given me a more difficult time altogether and perhaps a bit of a sticky end.

The trouble is, apart from very early on when you know you are going to die - believe me that bit doesn't last long as you realise what can be done etc. I have deliberately kept any thought of how ill I was or may have been and anything else at arms length. In fact it is a way of actively managing the problem that you implement a screen of normalness and you do that for yourself and for your friends too. It is more now, on reflection and with these odd bouts of cramps and other little things, that I find myself realising that I've never been this ill before in my life and all these things are surprisingly debilitating.

I'm still having problems even now believing I was that ill and so occasionally it comes as a shock to be told how ill you actually were. Not death's door stuff but pretty poorly nonetheless.

Appears to be getting better

I think that I may be getting better. Today started a bit roughly but now all seems to be back under some sort of control.

My legs are still sore and at least it doesn't feel like I want to keep having to run to the toilet and piss blunt razor blades each time.

I really could have done without that but I must continually remind myself that I'm not 100% yet it takes time and there's me thinking I can climb Mount Everest.

I hope that it is back to normal tomorrow and more so Saturday as I have to sit in a room for about 2 hours and don't need to be getting up in the midst of a few hundred people needing to dash off!

Not at work again today

I'm not there - a late decision last night was that I'd just give things a rest - I'm not quite right and the frequency of visits to the toilet are right up - sometimes as mush as every 20 minutes. In fact, thinking about it I've been having difficulty since getting back to work last week and the train journeys and also getting to work have been close run affairs. Perhaps it is a UTI - Urinary Tract Infection.

I'm going to take thing easy today and just take notes and if not better then I'll get over to see the Doc tomorrow and get something for it. It is always a possibility that you'll get UTI - it warns you that it is one of the side effects, along with cramps I now see re-reading further past the normal ones....

You think you are over this when of course you aren't really! I need to repeat the mantra "Take it easy" or "Slowly, Slowly"

Still hurting

I am on different statins - could that be what did for my cramps in the early hours. I'll take them again tonight but this is the 3rd one of this new batch I have had. Mind you that wouldn't account for last Thursday nights although that was milder.

Gee - I hope I don't get that lot again, it would be too much to handle. I really haven't felt pain like that before.

My right leg is still hurting and throbbing slightly so I hope that it is OK overnight and I can get to work tomorrow.

Get Out More

Tiredness does stop me getting out and about as often as I'd like but I feel that I need to get out a bit more than I do now. The problem is that I don't actually talk to many people during the day at all - although I interact at work it is business speak. At home I hardly actually have any conversation more than a few sentences long with anyone.

When I do get out I tend to gabble a lot as suddenly I have a release. This blog is great as it gets a lot of the stuff in my head, out of my head. The problem is there is so much stuck in there clogging my brain up that once the flood gates are opened I need to get it out. Poor sods who do take me out end up giving me a damn good listening to!

I hope that I'll be able to dump all this emotional baggage and random thoughts so that I can get on with my University Course in a weeks time.

Sooner than I thought

I got double cramp again last night, apart from the agony that these attacks inflict - I can hardly stand properly or walk this morning such is the bruising effect on my calf muscles - there is the suddenness of these. Unlike the fatigue (although occasionally that can just turn up) there is no notice at all - I just woke up in time to realise what was happening and I can't even begin to tell you what agony it is, I very rarely yell out in pain but this always make me scream out, there is very little else you can do. How I don't want to have these when I get older, the convulsions alone and trying to get to stretch the leg and rub the muscles to relieve the knotted bit is so difficult. No - not nice and it still hurts now.

Getting to work is almost impossible as I can hardly put any weight on my legs.

Whilst I am used to getting this occasionally it is again, I'm certain, one of the side effects from the treatment. I recall someone having this. I was also having minor bladder spasms yesterday too which was very disconcerting and meant I was in and out of the toilet a lot yesterday and travelling home was painful as I was waiting for the train to get to my station so I could dash off to the toilet. Every bump and sway of the train just added to my discomfort.

In fact, it has only been a week since the treatment so I should be expecting that. You do tend to forget very quickly about such things and tend to forget that the side effects don't last a day. Interestingly the treatment is actually at its most effective next March! How Bizarre is that?

Payback

I reckon that by the end of the week I will be completely knackered - so much is happening this week. I have been out two nights so far and have had two full on hectic days at work too. I am working from home on Friday for the morning then have to go and help set up Provincial Grand Lodge ready for Saturday when that takes place.

I am going to bed in a few moments as I can feel the tiredness coming on. I need to have a further blitz on my work as I need to start preparing for my Foundation Course next week.

I have no idea how I am going to fit this all in!

Going to be wiped out come Sunday

I have the week from hell. I am out most days and most nights, I have to arrange a big meeting on Friday for Saturday - at that meeting I get to work like crazy and then get promoted and then have a meal and then work like crazy and come home. I think that collapse into bed and not get up until Sunday afternoon is a very real possibility...

Out with Rotary tonight

Yes - I got invited out and have to leave in about 10 minutes but there is beer and food there which is interesting! I used to be in Rotaract in my younger days.

I am going as a guest and it will be interesting to see if I know anyone there - it is just up at my local.

The next lot of wide awake or fast asleep

Kicking in. It must have something to do with the treatment - it is 1 in the morning for goodness sake - it feels like I am jet lagged - I could happily go off to work right now but in an hour I'll be so fast asleep that a small explosion wont wake me.

I may curse these side effects but I suppose I ought not to really.

Interesting note I came across was that the Treatment I have just had really builds and is at its most effective in 6 months time. I would imagine that I could repel a Flu bug from 100 yards just by looking at it. At least the husky throat has gone away a bit now and the flu symptoms are long gone. Aches in the legs, tiredness and wanting to go to the toilet more often are still here.

The Office

Not the Ricky Gervais one, my one. Back in here today trying to finally get my head around this and get things sorted.

It needs a concerted effort though and I am going to have to be ruthless with some of this older stuff I have. Do I need it anymore? Will I ever go back to being an Engineer or Project Manager in the IT world? Probably not, best to just throw it out and get rid of it on eBay or local Charity Shop. It is all just clutter now and can be removed.

It still irks me though that I just take so long to do things these days. It is mid Sunday morning and I just haven't got half of what I planned to do completed.