Long old day

I think I'll have to call it a day soon and go downstairs and relax in my chair. I bought myself a recliner chair so that I could relax after treatment and it is great.

I don't know quite why I didn't get much sleep last night and it is the first time I've had to take tablets in the morning to settle things down.

I read something interesting about the treatment and that is that it is now that the Immunotherapy has reached its full potential and is at its height so it is the build up that gets you to this level and the immune system is now doing its bit on its own - hence you don't mess about with it for 3 months then as it carries on working.

Clever stuff.

Whoa Calm down Tiger

I think I said earlier you can get some wild mood swings. Logged on to work - a right arse hole message in my inbox. Something I have been saying since I joined, turned around and played back to me as if it were their idea. Coupled that with a conversation I had with them last week and that is in there as well played back to me.

So - do I yell at said s**t for brains or just reproduce the 20 odd memos and say why are you asking me when I've been asking you the same question all the time? Luckily I have gone into calm down mode after explosive mode. The trouble is this would normally not get me this angry I'd be able to treat it with the utter contempt it deserves and move on. These days, I just get really pissed off with people wasting theirs and my time and frankly being stupid.

On the flip side of this mood swings stuff I also need to avoid anything that is sad especially kids in hospitals with horrible diseases etc. Also stupid things on TV can just catch me unawares too. I hope they don't show Bambi over Christmas - I'll be wasted :-)

I also hope when I get back to work not to be too aggressive towards them. Generally when someone comes out with a stupid remark I might look at them a strange way or ask them to repeat themselves until they realise but judging by the anger I've just felt with this, I've got a feeling I may just tell them straight out which way "up" is :-) I could have well lost all my carefully honed people skills. Out of my way Ricky Gervais, let me show you how I run my office :-)

That's Over!!

Perhaps I should be screaming that from the roof tops? Not in my PJs and Dressing Gown - better not :-)

Wow, that is it, all over for now. No disturbed Monday and Tuesdays. I'm looking forward to the end of this week too as it means I can finish work, sort out my office and all those little things I need to get done and then have a relaxing Christmas and New Year.

9 Weeks

That is what I was told yesterday. Expect the letter to come in in 9 weeks and to be in in 12 weeks to see how the treatment has worked.

Long time to wait isn't it? Mind you, I doubt I'd feel particularly up for going in at the moment after 6 weeks of this.

Not the best of nights

That was a pretty bad night. The symptoms were more manageable than before - you get used to them and you manage them but this morning I'm a little bit sore and I only got about 3 hours sleep. I managed a couple of hours into the evening so that may account for it.

I can't say that I should be feeling any worse than normal (whatever normal is) there is no reason I can see. It is quite peculiar I feel quite out of it this morning. I'll let today run its course and see how I get on.

Tell everyone or keep it to yourself?

My guardian angel - before I was diagnosed told me to tell everyone that I was ill and to share it around as much as possible (or words to that effect). I think that, for me, that has worked and this blog has been great. The blog is good because other people can look too and perhaps get some crumb of comfort from the fact that it isn't "just them".

I'd probably be the sort of person who would share all of this stuff anyway although I hadn't really thought about blogging it, sending out e-mails on my condition would be normal.

I think it would be very bad for me to have just locked myself in and become quiet and non communicative about it. I can't see that it helps a lot as the only opinion you can seek is your own and frankly I still don't trust, even my analytical and intuitive, bits of my brain to come up with all the right or even sensible answers. The phrase "you need to get out more" applies in spades :-)

The only downside I've noticed is the look of concern on some people's faces when they meet you and perhaps I'm not communicating enough about the good things or perhaps I'm not continually reinforcing the message about how well I feel etc.

To answer my own question - do what my guardian angel said and tell as many people as you can and it will make you feel a lot better than bottling it up and keeping it to yourself and your overactive imagination.

Thoughts on the BCG Treatment

I found the whole set of treatments manageable. The first treatment is a bit of a non event apart from the waiting and the worry about the catheter which really isn't that bad. I'd rather do this than have a blood test and I'd rather have a blood test than a cannula shoved in me so it isn't that bad and I am squeamish.

The lack of side effects at week one was an issue as the side effects at week two were unbelievable, like getting hit by a truck as I tell anyone who cares to listen. The books and even the nurse doesn't really tell you it is like that. My Consultant did. I was told not to drive or fly or attempt anything too ambitious and yet I feel that whilst that applied to the second week, ever since I have been well enough to travel albeit I wouldn't want to go more than say 30 minutes at most from home just in case I needed to find a toilet. Towards the end of each week you get progressively better at this. I have my treatments on Monday that wipes out most of Monday and generally Tuesday morning as well although I have been up and about since the third treatment on a Tuesday I still have minor side effects for the remainder of that day which of course gradually get less and less.

By weeks four and five I was getting into the swing of things and you get into a routine. Shower an hour before, set up the bedroom and bathroom for the coming turning and side effects etc. These little rituals also help to bring about a bit of calm. To start with my whole Monday was wiped out, all I could do on the PC was to play games and let those eat away the time. Now I can do work and add to this blog and do other things because I don't have to worry so much about it. It is still a little concerning of course but it is manageable and soon will be the last one and I can forget about them.

I hope it has worked - I really do. Someone posted (elsewhere) that the level of side effects does not affect how the BCG has worked. Feeling and seeing what it did do - it has done something - it is just the hope that it has done what the Consultant has set out to achieve. If we can get this manageable and able to maintain it I will have got the very best I could have hoped for.

Now to learn to live with this going forward

So the Treatment is over and my bladder has been scraped, bruised, battered (not like the fish batter), and finally has been in contact with live BCG. And that is after it had Cancer. I'm beginning to feel very sorry for this poor little thing :-)

Anyway, from this point onwards, I now have to work with living with it - Cancer that is. Whatever the outcome of the treatment and that won't be know for 3 + months there are some things that most (if not all) cancers have in common and that is that they can come back. It is quite frequent in bladder cancer to find that a tumour will come back and that it will have to be scraped away again. It also means that I'll be in and out of Hospital a lot for the foreseeable future as they need to check up regularly and I may also end up on a regular maintenance of BCG (if I am lucky) so my next steps are to settle down and get back to "normal" and to live with these things. I'm guessing that everyone will have to do this and the Cancer Research site gives some good pointers about this on their site.

You go through just about all possible emotions and personality types. Some will cope with them differently and it will take different times to do so. It will be interesting now that I will get some more time to reflect on this what I am going to make of it.

A friend of mine told me this was going to be like a Roller Coaster Ride. Once you were strapped in there was NO WAY you could get off the Roller Coaster, you had to go where it took you and there were going to be bits you liked and bits you hated, sudden changes in direction, loop the loops, dark places, water splashes (I put that in here I can't think what that would allude to!) and so on. You could only get off the Roller Coaster when it had stopped and it was safe to do so.

It feels like I have just completed one circuit and the carriages have pulled into the station. I want to get out but I've been told to stay on board. I have to wait and it takes time to fill all the carriages but I know that soon I'll be on my way again. I should be a lot better this time - I know what to expect (or I think I do). I'm more knowledgeable about what is going on and I can learn to tackle the bends and loops easier. I can even begin to enjoy some bits of the ride and occasionally we could get switched to a quieter length of track altogether. I'm on the quiet stretch now, there are no high speed bends, no loop the loops and the dark places are few and far between. I can see the scenery now, everything looks fine and nothing is blurred. I have to stay on the quiet track for another 3 months and then I'll find out which track they want me on next.

I think I'd be very disappointed if this treatment didn't work this time. I need to build myself towards getting that news in a way that keeps me positively focused on sorting this out yet realistic enough to realise that I shouldn't expect this to go away. It will be interesting to see how I can do that in the coming months.

6th and Last Treatment

Of this session that is. It is the morning before the last treatment. I slept well but I had a good day yesterday which probably helped.

Once today is out of the way then I have three months, a quarter of a year, to wait to go into Hospital and have the biopsy operation and I suppose two or three weeks after that to hear the results. It seems an awfully long time but perhaps I can use it to normalise my life, it having been far from normal for the last 5 months. Perhaps I'll be able to do some reflecting on things as opposed to just having it happen to me, who knows?

Yesterday was good. Many people worried about me but also very pleased to see how well I looked. We had a great Christmas Lunch and as usual a table of great people with whom we had a lot of laughs. On arrival home, the girls and I lit the fire and sat down and watched Oliver and MIB II so a good day topped off well too.

The Trouble With Finding Out More....

Is that you get to read things that you would rather not have done. You get to see people far worse off than you are which cruelly gives you a lift but it is the long term statistics that get you. I am a complete newbie at this - 5 months since my first symptoms. Some people have had this 20 years or more and it is quite common for them to have recurrence of tumours; have a few years clear and then have to go back in again.

It could be that those who don't have this problem, those that have no recurrence just never write into to these online forums (I suppose they don't have a need to). I was also somewhat horrified to find out that CIS (Carcinoma in Situ) which is looked at in other Cancers as quite treatable is in bladder cancer quite treatable but also considered a very aggressive form. If you look at Insurance cover it states that you cannot get a pay out on CIS. So I suppose you also get conflicting information you need to sift out.

The mortality rate for CIS is good and dependant on what you read the treatment I am on now is good in 50 to 80% of cases. I guess the worst bit now is going to be waiting for 3 months to see if it worked.

So what else is wrong with finding out more about your own disease? It makes you a real bore :-) I am out today at a Christmas meal with about 100 or more people, I hope that I don't become a bore doing my "Yes I am feeling well but I won't know until next year", "No I will probably not be cured but they can control this for life for me". Perhaps I'll just go and prop the bar up for a few hours instead!!

More Information

A trawl through the Internet brings many sites of interest and a few you'd really wish you had not seen.

Here are a few worth looking at to find out what this is all about.

Click Here for the Cancer Backup Site
Click Here for the Cancer research Site - you can find out just about anything on this site
Click Here for the Bladder Cancer Web Cafe
Click Here for some more on a fact sheet

There are more like this but the basics are available to run through.

Almost Looking Forward to Monday

Strange but true. Last treatment (for the moment) and I'm almost wanting to get there and get it over and done with. I think I'll give a miss to the wag who reckons that I shouldn't take the pain killers and everything so that I can really feel that it is working. Mmm, thanks for that bit of advice but I choose to ignore it :-)

I'm feeling a lot better today, last week was a dark week for some reason. Anyway, just banged out close to 1000 e-cards this morning and now need to finish off the snail mail ones and that will be me done this Christmas. All cards done, all presents done and wrapped up. Cool!

End the week on an up beat note

I have a guardian angel who reads my blogs and picks up when I'm feeling a bit down in the mouth and drops me a little note to cheer me up which on a murky old Friday night has just happened.

I think I can put this week behind me now and move on - I've got things to do this weekend and next, I'm going out and meeting people and I'm going to have a good time come what may!

I'm really grateful for those little pick me ups I get.

Snake Oil

I was amazed how many "Snake Oil" sales people cash in on people's woes, despair and the downright terror you get with Cancer.

All sorts of stuff is being plied as a cure or some sort of help. Call me a cynic but I think my specialist would have told me if ground bat's droppings were the thing to be on? I suppose that it may just be me who finds it offensive to take advantage of anyone like this yet you can find this sort of stuff through a search on the Internet. I like the ones that are Scientifically proven and yet have some old Doris from Wisconsin telling you how it cured her as the single source of the miracle of the slightly dodgy stuff they bang out. Judging by the price of this stuff, it would be cheaper to buy a gold bar and swallow it - it would probably do you more good too!

Whinge over for the moment :-) Have a nice day now!

And another one

Who thought that it was hoped that my medical problems were behind me now. I suppose it is only natural for people to think that way and I read some things about other cancers these days and don't like what I read so I'd probably not understand someone else's condition, nor would I specifically go out and read about it unless they were perhaps closer to me.

So I suppose I shouldn't get angry about it. I find it quite difficult to wrap up in a few words exactly what my future holds for me anyway as that isn't exactly clear at the moment. It is quite an uncommon Cancer I suppose, I hadn't heard about it before I was diagnosed - heard about the big ones - Lung, Prostate, Throat and Breast etc., but Bladder - no never heard of it yet it is the 4th most common in men.

Anyway, just another of those things where I know that I'll be under long term observation (at best) and that I will not be fixed by Christmas this year or perhaps next year either or the year after that. I'm still coming to terms with that aspect of it and I've not got there yet so explaining it to someone who thinks this course of treatment is the end of things can be quite difficult.

Let that be a lesson

I was really tired yesterday. I am guessing that I am really not quite as fit as I feel and going out on Wednesday evening, walking to the venue and being out and not resting at home all contributed. Not that I feel ill or anything - I was just tired.

I will have to build up gradually if that is the case. I've planned a few outings after my last treatment next week. I shall make sure that I am fit enough to do them.

It all adds to this week's underlying theme of being quite angry. I'm angry about most things; work, insurance, fitness, perceptions, being stuck at home etc. I will work on getting that out of my system and "kind of" looking forward to the last treatment on Monday.

Tired? I'm Knackered

Well my little excursion last night brought something home to me. I am really knackered this afternoon, I'm yawning and can't concentrate - I'm going to take myself off for a lie down.

And my other computer has just blue screened - oh great :-) I can see next to nothing getting done here this afternoon if this keeps up.

Just cannot get going this morning

I cannot get going at all this morning. I've a piece of work to finish and I have sat and stared at it for 30 minutes and not done anything with it. I'm feeling quite tired too. Perhaps going out last night and the walking has just tired me out?

At the risk of repeating myself

I was asked if I was "better" last night. I suppose the answer is yes. I'm better than I was 5 months ago. On Christmas day it will be 5 months since the first operation. I'm better than I was when I had that done. I'm better in terms of all around health and I'm better in other ways too.

It is again one of those difficult questions to answer because you look and feel better but I have no idea if I AM better until April next year. Even then I'm expecting that this is a long term thing. So you have to caveat your answers with a yes and no type response. "Yes I'm better but no I'm not cured" or some such thing. As most people start off a conversation with "How are you?" it can be difficult answering that honestly. "I'm fine" doesn't cut it neither does "I'm getting there". Trying to explain that you are well but you are really (actually) ill and will remain so for a long time is quite difficult to phrase easily.

As I really haven't been in too many social events these past months it should be interesting to see how a number of people react to me on Sunday as I am going to a large Christmas Lunch. I'll see if I can come up with any easy to use responses to "how are you?"

Life is unfair - I feel a fraud having read these

I think these are really special blogs and bits of news. I know that I'm ill and all that but take a look at these and go stare someone in the face about your troubles.

Sophie's Blog

Josie

Let us all remember our place and how lucky we really are.

Oh you look well

I was just amusing myself over at the Bladder Cancer Cafe HERE there are some great stories and some very sad ones to. It is a good place to go to some of the time. I have to say that it can actually work the opposite way and make me quite depressed too.

However the humour section made me laugh and I thought I'd share some of the more trying moments with you.

I met up with someone who said "Wow you are looking great" to which I retorted "They didn't operate on my face!"

Too many people think that if you have Cancer you look frail, have no hair and are sick everywhere. Not true - the trouble is that even though you can't see it, it is pretty serious and it isn't one that goes away easily. Ho hum...

The Long Distance Pee

I seem to be back to the every 15 minute routine (actually it hasn't been that bad). I can't see that I have drunk anymore than I normally do. Perhaps I ought to keep records. I do on treatment day so I know how many pints of water I have had post treatment and when I went and what the results were.

It has actually settled down now but late this morning I was in and out all over the place.

Navel Gazing

Strange past time. Trying to get people to look up and ahead is interesting. You can warn you can explain, you can talk but you cannot make people listen. It amuses me no end when we get to the point where it has all gone pear shaped and I wonder whether to utter those word "I told you so". The fun part is the person it happens to has absolutely no idea what is coming down the road to hit them and it comes as a complete surprise.

One of my favourite sayings is "I may not always be right; but I am NEVER wrong".

Not a lot better this morning

I can still feel the anger inside me. Whilst I'm not as angry this morning as I was yesterday I have to admit to being quite up for an outburst or two at this moment. It is probably the way I am feeling about myself and what I have and why no one else can see it the same way I do - I think.

I didn't know anything about Cancer before I got it and so it would be difficult for me to understand a colleague or friend with it. In fact, it was only after I got this that I fully comprehended how some of my friends who have gone through other Cancers must have felt, hurt and recovered.

Perhaps I need to communicate more and try and give them some understanding of what it is really like? The trouble is, you tend to sound "attention seeking" or worse "self centred" but you don't really mean to be. My "honest this is how it is" approach also has its drawbacks as it is probably too much detail and quite disturbing?

So perhaps that is it. Work, in contact with real people (face 2 face) looms large and perhaps their grasp of the situation will need managing so that they get it.

Right, that's enough of the deep and meaningful stuff on a Wednesday - time to get on with some work.

An Angry Day

Tuesday has been an angry day. I didn't get done what I wanted to get done. Stuff got switched around and totally screwed my day up. I had a sense of humour failure on a number of things. the Insurance, Work, Projects and generally me being fed up.

I hope tomorrow is a little bit better. Not that I don't feel well, just one of those days. I must be careful not to use the "who gives a s**t" sort of answers when discussing some insignificant point at work. Careful son, careful :-)

I'll bid you good night as I ought to get some sleep and forget about today altogether!

I don't think they got it

Yes, I'm certain that some people didn't really listen when I said I'd be back at work in January full time they have taken that to mean that this is the end of my treatment. In fact that is probably far from the truth. I am expecting that this is the beginning of my treatment. Let me explain:

The Cancer grade meant it needed an operation to get it manageable. The second operation was to attempt to get the grade to CIS which it is. After that - then treatment can begin. This batch of treatments are to stop recurrence of tumours. I thought I had explained that to them.

If this is successful then maintenance is an ongoing thing, for many years to try and control this.

It looks like I'll be explaining it to them slowly again until they wake up and get it.

FUD

Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt = FUD

A Bit Annoying

I received a letter from the Insurance Company. The letter they sent in October hasn't been actioned by the Hospital. Six weeks would seem long enough. the trouble is that it is one of those ticks in the box I want out of the way. Treatment [tick], recovery [tick], holidays sorted[tick], Insurance [Tick], Biopsy Operation [Tick], Diagnosis and future plan [Tick]....

Let's hope that the Hospital get the reminder today and send back the form and we can all move on again. It would get it out of the way and stop part of the FUD that goes with all of this.

Can it be Cured?

I don't think Bladder Cancer is one that gets cured. I think you get remission on this one (I could be wrong I need to check it).

Some Cancers can be cured, some of course get cured as the radical surgery removes the infected organ entirely. I suppose if they do that then perhaps it is cured in Bladder Cancer cases.

I state this only in as much as someone dropped me a line hoping that I'd be cured. I'll have to do a bit more research on this one.

Different Again

Well that treatment was different again to the last one. The instillation was much easier and less uncomfortable. The frequency of going to the toilet was down and so was the pain level. I could be getting used to it I suppose but I doubt it. I again waited until after the two hours to have the Paracetamol and Ibuprofen. I then slept for 2 1/2 hours before waking to go to the toilet this time.

Whilst the frequency was down the level of gunge and clots coming out were more pronounced and this morning quite the largest two I have ever seen.

I am feeling very well again and my body is warm all over which I have tended to notice over the past few weeks.

So an interesting change in side effects. I spoke to the Nurse yesterday about everyone else having colds and I have to let them know if I get a cold especially Flu or Flu like symptoms, additionally if I get a chesty cold too. In the latter cases they would delay treatment - something I do not want at all.

The Urology Nurses are very good and I liked the comment about this nurse needing her sticky labels - I asked if I'd get one for being a good boy? No - these are to put on the treatment syringe which she actually showed me. I still reckon that the syringe and all the equipment hanging off it (tubes and bits), if it were a real injection would make you pass out in fear. It is massive.

I'm up and about early again this morning and fully with it. A little discomfort and that is about it so we will see how the rest of the day goes.

That wasn't so bad

Apparently I have a tight urethra hence it is a little more painful for my treatment. I was hoping they wouldn't mention size at all really :-)

Actually, I can't put my hand on my heart and say that it hurts. It is unpleasant and uncomfortable and you get a sharp gasp as the catheter passes the Prostate but other than that it isn't like thumping your thumb with a hammer or cutting yourself. I'll not mention pricking yourself as I know that the audience for this blog has a strange sense of humour :-)

It is brilliant to know that I only have one more of these to go.

More later - off to lie down now I have done my 15 minutes a side routine.

5th Treatment

Here we go - 5th treatment of 6 looms large today. I had a much better night's sleep than I normally do before these. The Appointment is earlier too. I am going to re-run last week's timetable which ensured I had an easier time of the side effects.

I only hope I don't crush the stress ball too much

Exercise

I managed to get out a couple of times down the week and so far I have been out walking every Sunday. The muscles around my stomach are where the problem seems to be and I am hoping that as I increase the exercise I can get them working better and tightening back up. Also I need to lose some more weight. I've lost a little but I really need to lose some more. I am eating sensibly now and not snacking as I'm not just sitting around anymore.

I suppose putting on weight could be viewed as a good sign but really I need to be back down to where I was beforehand.

All Around me are ill

This will be fun. The rest of the family have various colds and Flu like symptoms and I've got to get my treatment tomorrow and report any "Flu like" symptoms which could be serious side effects :-)

I'll have to have a chat with the Nurse tomorrow and see what that is all about.

Downhill from now on

Yes,

2 more treatments to go - one tomorrow and then just one left after that. Something to look forward to leading up to Christmas.

You feel with this treatment that you just get back to feeling great again the day before the next one :-)

Life is like that don't you think? No doubt the specialists worked out that it takes roughly a week to recover and so this was the best frequency for treatment - clever aren't they!

Beginning to get back to "normal"

As I said yesterday, I am beginning to notice long periods of time where I don't think about or act as if I have the disease. I think that this is a good sign as I am coming to terms with it and I am beginning to manage it and not it managing me. A lot of people talk about having a "state of mind" about cancer. I'm sure there is something in there about that.

In this instance I think that you do get a very big shock to start with, you don't believe it for a while, you tackle it with denial (or however you tackle it), you then get to the point of acceptance. I think you get to acceptance and then you go through a stage of depressive acceptance and grow out of that. I think I have now got to that part which is I've got it, I've gone through the treatments and I'm recovering and feel almost fully recovered, I don't have anything on my near term radar like tests and operations to cope with, Christmas is coming, things like work are getting back to normal, my day to day is getting back to normal and very soon, I hope that I'll be going a day at a time without thinking too hard about what I have got.

I'm going to be making sure that I eat and drink the right things still but these are becoming habits now so that should also help me to think less about these things.

Well I am pleased about this, I was beginning to worry that all I'd ever think about was how I am, measuring everything I was doing in terms of what effect it would have on me etc.

Not so bad

I have just finished the majority of newsletters and Christmas Cards and notes to those who don't know. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be apart from one - someone I should have told a long time ago and completely forgot to. Other than that - nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be at all.

Hope it stays that way.

Beginning to think less about it

I'm beginning to think less (all the time) about what I have now. I can go for many hours without my thoughts turning to the facts and that is beginning to help a lot. I can concentrate on things and it is only seeing the paperwork and other reminders that take attention away.

Today is going to be difficult not to think about it all day as I am doing my Christmas Cards and inserting newsletters or writing notes to people.

Silly Season

1st December - no one wants to work, no one wants to make meetings, meetings that have been planned get canned and moved to next year.

Here we go, it is Christmas and all the crazy behaviour that goes with it. For once - this year I'm going to take extended time off and I am actually going to spend time to myself. I've often taken time off but hardly ever have I done what I want to do. I have absolutely no idea what I AM going to do yet but I'll have fun thinking about it. Two more treatments and two more weeks left and I can relax up for a while. Nice!

Friday - Time for a laugh

When I got my Outpatients Appointment letters they arrived in six envelopes over two days.

Now, you'd have thought that someone booking these knew they wanted a recurring appointment, on the same day each week for 6 weeks (albeit not all at the same time but near). How difficult would it have been to make 6 appointments and put them all on one letter? Everything would have been in one place, the cost of letters, envelopes, handling and postage alone would have (you would have thought) paid for the difficulty of doing that.

I reckon though that the computer system cannot do this and each appointment once made automatically generates a letter.

Perception of the treatment

I had a funny chat today. Someone thought that - the treatment I was having now would be the lot, you know, I'd be fixed and that was it. I'd probably say that my impression would be the same if I didn't know all about my disease and the treatments available.

I will have to do some educational work I suppose to explain what it is I'm having done and what it really means.

I was disappointed to read today that this disease gets a lot of recurrences. I don't like the idea of that at all. The operations are stressful things to cope with and to imagine having to have a number of these again in the future is worrying. I hope that the treatment will get me as near to OK as is possible.

It's not that I don't like you - it is just that I could be writing this blog for a number of years!

Itching to get back

I'm itching to get back to work in the New Year. By getting back to work I mean actually going to the Office and getting out of the house and going to customer sites. I have been working at home for quite a while now I really could do with a change of scenery.

What is your problem

I've mentioned it before but another example this morning of something that was obviously a major problem in the house and, when you boiled it down wasn't. It needed a yes or no answer, a bit of thought and reason applied and that would be it. The answer was either yes or no there was no middle ground. People were gong to get upset one way or the other.

I was watching this unfold and was almost at the point of wielding the size 12s but decided that is was best I kept out of the way. You see, it was that easy to see what was going on, it was a "no brainer" what to do about it and yet all hell had broken loose. Why even bother, make a decision and stick to it (right or wrong). After you have made the decision be big enough to accept the consequences. It really is that simple, that black and white. For something so trivial as someone deciding whether or not to go in when clearly not feeling well and the row that caused in the house this morning it was hardly worth it. At the end of the day, after going in and out of the house twice, the problem was resolved - too sick to go in.

I can be downright insensitive on stuff like this. It was so blindingly obvious that the best thing to do was to stay at home. Did I really need all the nonsense and arguments going on? It was like a mad house for 15 or 20 minutes. I like the bit when they try and get me involved - that often happens and they always don't like the answer anyway. It's like work - sometimes you want to walk into the office and just yell - life is too short for this shit, sort yourselves out or I'll do it for you.

Even now - they are not sure and may or may not want to go in - give me a break. They wonder why I get angry with this stuff. Simple, I really can't stand fannying around like this. Make a decision, stick to it and get on with it.

Now that's my whole morning screwed up. I hope no one phones up in the next half an hour with some sort of problem they may get more than they bargained for :-)

Breaking the News

It is the time of year when, bad as I've been all year keeping in touch with folks - I do actually get around to sending off news. I've bitten the bullet and actually written two versions of the truth. One is for family and friends and the other one is for colleagues and acquaintances.

Both were difficult to write as breaking bad news is never really easy anyway. I'll see what the reaction is. I've mentioned the blog in one of the newsletters but not the other one yet.

No Way - BBC says Bacon Butties give you Bladder Cancer!

Click HERE if you don't believe me.

Good grief - I'll never look at a Bacon Butty the same way again now......

A little bit of a heavy article but interesting on BCG

Click HERE

Donald L. Lamm, MD has a number of articles, both here and in the bladder cafe and on his own web site which talk about BCG and its part in fighting bladder cancer or more properly getting the body to do that for you.

Superficial Cancer

Is what it is called. I don't see anything superficial about it at all. I think that the term may need adjusting over time as even in its Carcinoma In Situ form I believe it is pretty nasty.

Well Being Continues

Again, up with the Lark and feeling good and ready for action. When I work out what the magic ingedient is, I'll let you know.

For now, I shall just enjoy being this awake and back to my best.

BCG for Bladder Cancer

One of the best articles I have read about BCG is HERE.

The whole web site is extremely useful to understand the disease.

You Know you are getting better when

I thought I'd note down that some normality is returning. After all the things that have happened to me; the blur that has been diagnosis, surgery and recovery at last I can see and feel changes - especially today as I can see me getting back to work full time and sorting out what I need to sort out.


So the title of this blog is You know you are getting better when:-

• You start to lay the law down in meetings
• You start asking really difficult questions
• You volunteer for certain tasks and projects
• You welcome a good argument about a project
• You start making executive decisions knowing you can back them up

I shall keep my eye out for more observations and jot them down when I can.