The mirror test

How are you feeling? Go look in the mirror. I look like a bag of dung this morning. I was very surprised how bad I looked, unshaven and dark baggy eyes - yuk.

Had a shower and shave which appears to have made me look almost human again. Read Steve's blog this morning on the bacon and its relationship to bladder cancer - not sure if that is through the smoking or processing but it has been published before about the risks but no sort of explanation why that should be and perhaps other cuts of meat aren't.

Interestingly in the blog was a note about how HK's doctor said that Bladder Cancer is a chronic condition/disease. It may well be but I've had to put it to the back of my mind as a serious disease that I've gotten over but may come back. But, perhaps I need to take it a bit more seriously than I do. I don't for instance tell people when I discuss my condition with them what it was really like unless they want to know and often you have to stop short as it isn't pleasant. It all happens around a piece of your anatomy (especially men) that is pretty much a no go area and only occasionally do I go into some of the really heavy detail about the black shadow, the dark dog of depression and other stuff that you go through on top of being ill! It just doesn't belong in polite company and so I tend to just be holding back and not saying much about it or how serious it is.

You can die from BC, bottom line. If it gets out, it can kill you and it can be an aggressive and frequent visitor even if you think you have had it removed and that you have recovered. Believe me when I tell you that the fear of recurrence is still an everyday thought and worry.

I see that Asya is about to have her TURBT today and best wishes for a successful outcome. I'm getting close to three years in on my journey. About three years ago I was just about to embark on what I hoped would be my last career change and one that would have been a major change in the way I worked and would enable me to settle down a bit. That all went by the board after I was diagnosed and worked on but, it is fair to say that looking forward from the time of being diagnosed you don't see very far at all. It is a life shattering event and you get the whole 9 yards at once. The physical and the mental bits all come into play and you have to adapt.

Looking back, reflecting on what has happened, is different as is coming out the other end and being (as far as you can expect to be) clear has other challenges. I can see at least a year ahead now if not 2 or 3 where before I could only really see my next treatment and my next operation.. Those were little milestones in the journey. When you got to those, then you knew what the next part of the journey would be. You hoped it might be along the road you would wish to choose. Fortunately, for me, the roads have all been the ones I wanted for myself and for my family.

I feel for everyone who is newly diagnosed as the big cancer wall appears and there is no way over it and your mind just has to deal with so many things. Once you've accepted the first bit you need to reassure others which is the most strange part. However, you need to elephant eat the situation and take small bites, and do a bit at a time. It gradually gets better and it becomes clearer and on you go day by day, week by week and so on.

I try not to "dumb down" what I went through or to trivialise the situation but at the same time I do try and fight against it by not letting it be as dangerous as it is, as frightening as it is or as physically and mentally demanding as it is.

PCF

Post Cancer Fatigue - strikes again. I suppose I should have predicted this one as I was beginning to feel tired earlier in the week.

So absolute tiredness yesterday to insomnia tonight. Bizarre.

Thwack

Well I said I was feeling tired but this morning I got a rude awakening when the alarm clock went off. I was so tired I could hardly believe that I'd slept for 6 or more hours. I got the warning signs yesterday at work when I started feeling tired at lunch time.

I actually just feel out of salts and very tired still even though I slept for most of the morning and just got out around lunchtime. I feel quite strange and whilst I can't actually tell you what is wrong with me - I have been unable to concentrate and have been falling asleep on and off this afternoon.

I feel that it might be a precaution not to go in tomorrow so that I can just get myself together.

Yesterday was an interesting meeting and I'm interested to find out whether it was my fault that I got cancer or I was given it for some reason. Now call me an old cynic but, I think I only have myself to blame for getting cancer and I don't see blaming it on someone else or indeed to apportion it to someone else is the right thing to do. I can only hope that I will be able to discuss that again with my companions from last night. One was a creationist as well and that was interesting and where I see allegorical meaning, he tends to have a far more solid belief in the words on the page. I can stretch my view of the world to suit most things but it did indeed give me a different insight into someone who hasn't had their faith stretched and questioned.

I still like to believe that "I" have some sort of say about things.

Challenge my belief

Interesting evening. I have a certain amount of faith. I believe in a supreme being and up until not too long ago was probably a happy Church of England trinitarian and then.....


I got cancer.

Then, as you can imagine, things got really complicated and deep and spiralled into the usual questions and worries that only a logical and scientific brain does.

I was with the guy that gave me a hard time last week and another chap I know but not so well and they have an unshakable faith and I was struggling to come to terms with that. I don't think right now is the right time to go into that as I need to work out quite what it actually meant to me listening to these guys and their solid beliefs.

On the way home I was in a sort of daydream on the train and there were flash backs of my journeys home 20 or 30 years ago. Happy times (I guess you deselect the bad ones) and a real nostalgia trip of travelling home on the same late night train with a bunch of your mates and just enjoying everything. How different life was then to now. If only I'd never started smoking etc. Yet, at that time, it was what everyone did and it was part of the ritual of going out.

I am going to be toast in the morning! I am absolutely knackered and it is only Tuesday. My brain has taken in far more than it should have and trying to come to terms with some of the "big questions" the guys posed this evening was pretty difficult but I am not sure that anyone could answer the question of why he gave me cancer!

The fear of a recurrence

I was chatting to a friend of mine and we were discussing our various mental states and he is having a bit of a time at the moment and the strange thing is that, he doesn't have the offending organ that had the cancer in it as the cut that out and has been clear as long as I have. Like it is difficult to have Prostate Cancer if you haven't got a Prostate! There were no Mets and all was being monitored from very early on.

So - what has this to do with recurrence. Well it reminded me that I had the strangest dream last night and then came too realising that I'd had quite a bit of luck getting to where I am now considering they re TURBT on me the second time I went in for an operation - which was meant to be for biopsies. I have to say that memory made me shudder and then considering the grade of cancer I had, it was certainly noting short of miraculous that it went from CIS to clear pretty swiftly. CIS, Precancerous, Clear, Clear, Atypical. I could do with a clear this time as I haven't had treatment this past 4 months now. That would be really good and again reduces the odds of recurrence once again. I scared myself a bit worrying about a recurrence but figured that I am that much healthier now than I was then and that it would be manageable now and not a huge shock like when it was discovered the first time.

I've managed to put some distance between the feelings and my day to day life and have a job (if I want it) to take up after the next operation. It's all looking good but the nagging that it might recur are largely self generated and not based on anything at all. In addition I still attribute things like a slight cough or aches to being cancer - it is just the way your head deals with it I guess.

At least

The Grand Prix started an hour later than the qualifying on Saturday and I was up in time to watch the race and very good it was too. It is nice to see some competition coming back. I fixed the Smoke Detector and Light upstairs and then the fan in the bathroom and sat down to a day of sport on the TV and researching out holiday. You would have thought it was easy to find out where we are going to dock and how we can get around and sort out a visa for St. Petersburg. After all, all the other ports are easy enough to sort out. After 3 hours research I think I can answer most of the questions I have.

I don't feel particularly good this afternoon and evening, a slight headache and I've had terrible tinnitus all day - yet little yesterday. Other than that I am feeling OK and as someone mentioned, perhaps it is just hay fever. It would be unusual as I don't suffer from that but I know a few people at work who are having a rough time at the moment.

It was good having my cousins over yesterday and we had a good day, went out for lunch and enjoyed catching up. It made me think as two of us have had scares recently, that there really isn't anything quite as important these days as enjoying your life. Not everyone comes with me on that one at the moment.

UP with the Lark

This morning to watch the qualifying for the F1 China GP. Very good and more cars in the mix and at last it looks as if us fans will get the racing back and for there to be some competition and some real racing and overtaking available. Looking forward to tomorrow's race now.

I have my NZ cousins arriving this morning. Quite excited about that as we haven't seen each other since 2003 and until 1999 we didn't even know each other existed. Well we thought we did but we were both just blank "?" marks on a family tree. A case of instant family and today I get to meet a 2nd cousin who I have never met before and I think that then completes my family as far as 2nd cousins go.

I imagine that my appearance may come as surprise as in 2003 I was a fair bit lighter than I am now. However, I have been working on how I am going to reduce all that weight and to drop 1 or 2 stone in the next 6 to 8 months. I'm not dieting in a short term lose the ponds way. This is long term eating properly, exercising regularly, cutting out the beer and a few other things that pile on the pounds.

I'm certain that by doing that I can sustain a long term fitness and wellness regime. The last few attempts haven't really worked properly but then I tended to "react" to situations and do things in the wrong way flipping between starvation and then eating all the wrong foods in the wrong quantities and completely throwing any balance out in doing so. I've learnt my lesson on that and also stopping exercising didn't help matters. Getting a regular job means that I have ended up losing the exercise habit which at one time was a daily part of life!

Why is it easy to pick up bad habits than keep up good ones I wonder? Probably because I don't particularly like exercising and you spend 30 to 40 minutes on a piece of apparatus not actually getting anywhere. At least if you walk you can see the scenery I suppose.

Generally health is good again, the sun is out (hooray) and looking forward to a good day.

Planning our Cruise

It is pretty exciting trying to work out what we will be doing on the cruise. We have a number of stops but at one point we do a City every day for 6 days albeit 2 of those days are at St. Petersburg. Trying to work out quite how to fit it all in is interesting. We will be busy as you like which is better than hanging around. Just got to get fit I suppose. Talking of which, the first week of the change in diet appears to be working and I am just making sure that I am eating properly. I feel good and whilst I know I am not as fit as I'd like, I will be able to start working at that too. I do plenty of walking each day.

I am surprised how there is an ongoing and gradual change in the way I act and behave now I am clear. I have a confident attitude and am comfortable with myself. It is quite interesting to see that each day I get a little more pleased with the future and I am getting used to the attitude I now have too. That's the one where everything that happens is a bonus from now on.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my cousins from NZ tomorrow and another cousin too who is new to me.

Early morning call

Apologising, at least it was off his chest. It appears someone hit a raw nerve with him last night and I received the fall out. Nothing to lose a friendship for, just as annoying for me as it was for him I suppose. A problem shared is a problem halved the trouble was that I didn't have a problem (half or otherwise) to start with :-)

It was good to see another success story last night. A friend who had Bowel Cancer caught at a very early stage (surgery no chemo or radio) and is fine now. Unless you've actually heard those words, all gone and you're clear, you can't begin to imagine the relief you feel.

At home today - miserable weather outside and I'm about to get tucked into some serious admin work and to tidy up the office and the house as my cousins are over tomorrow.

The Apprentice and the Master

I had my evening ruined tonight. Nothing that dramatic I suppose excepting someone I have known a long time cornered me and gave me a load of verbal and, frankly, I had just had a really nice afternoon and evening, was nicely mellow and didn't need all that hassle.

I'm pretty much a non confrontational sort and whilst I held my own in the argument and tried to level the field a bit, it didn't end particularly well.

I'm annoyed as whilst I have loads of time for this guys, I wouldn't go and spoil his evening like this. As I have known him for some time, I let him spoil my evening. Making sense? Maybe not if you don't know me. He probably felt better for getting it off his chest. i wouldn't have tackled it that way. At the end of the day, all I remember about today was him having a go at me and not the comradeship of a good meeting and nice meal.

My only solace is that I wouldn't react or act like that so I wouldn't put my friends through it. As he is a friend he can get away with it. Again, you'd need to know me to understand that too.

People aren't logical at all and I want them to be detached and logical and non emotional but trying to work on them to think straight is difficult - more so when loaded with booze too.

I think I will go and sleep this off. I'm disappointed that he didn't think about how it would mess up my evening though.

The Apprentice became a tradesman ( and a better one) many years ago. Only the Apprentice realises that this is so but he still respects and admires his Master.

Can you feel thin quickly?

I actually feel a little bit thinner as I fit inside my trousers a lot better than I did last week or the week before. Blood Pressure is reasonably low and the change of diet appears to be maintainable and not as bad as I thought it might be.

Home now until Monday and I hope to try and behave tonight as I am at a meeting with dinner to follow so there will be wine, beer, three courses and goodness knows what.

At least a few days to work it off.

Feeling quite good at the moment physically. Mentally having a few flash backs to deal with after the death of this chap earlier this week. Fear of a recurrence is the thing as if you get that you can be pretty certain that if the next set of treatments don't work you'll be in for a seriously rough old ride and it could be worse than that.

Sometime I ask why I am the only one who "Gets it!" Maybe no one wants to think or discuss that part, I'm sure that is what it is. It goes back to earlier posts about the change in yourself is massive and yet in those around you not so much. They don't have to deal with it inside them just someone they know who has it.

Anyhow, I'm dealing with it and hoping that June comes around and is clear and that the next steps are too. I'd hate to go back and start again, unless, of course, I had to.

You're a long time dead

Another of my phrases to people who really ought to "Get a Life!" It really doesn't matter that your team lost or that your seat on the train was taken and all that stuff. I like to complain and let off a bit of steam but the perennial whinger in my office has received the cold shoulder for a few days from me now as I just cannot spend my time to listening to all of the troubles and trials and tribulations. I know how to deal with them but my advice would be lost words on them I fear :-)

I was thinking to myself about the chap that died (he actually died on Good Friday). Not particularly Good for him or his young family even though they all knew what was coming, I doubt it can be any comfort at all to his wife and two young children. Of course things will be looked after for them, it sort of goes without saying but I find out today that the request is that money in his memory will come into our charity - which is a nice way to remember him and our work.

On to less pressing things. I have a meeting tomorrow and need to come home at lunchtime to sort myself out here and work on that. My change of lifestyle appears to be going well. My blood pressure is nice and low, I felt quite hungry today as I have cut down on quantities of food and also the types of food are different. Let's see how I get on. Rather than consciously go on a measurement and rigid regime, this is all about eating the right things, not eating the bad things, cutting back on the fats and the sugars and making sure I eat plenty of the right things.

I am noticing almost daily how well I feel. I may still have the hearing troubles but the rest of me seems to be feeling better. I think the reason is that no one is prodding or poking around with me and I haven't had any sort of treatment since December. If you think about it the longest I have gone is 12 weeks between treatment and operation and this time it will be close to 6 months before they have to do anything to me again.

Quite pleased that my insurance has dropped right down and my condition, as it is now clear for 2 years means that it has reduced by 75% or more on last years premium. So, if you are in the UK have a look at what SAGA can do if you are over 50. Of course, being over 50, I wasn't sure of any benefits although, saving money may well be one!

Early Home

Hence writing this blog but it was good as my friend Pete came along and the lads haven't met him for - well - 35 years! What a great laugh we had and suddenly memories were firing off and the synapses were off at all sorts of tangents. Names of teachers and events long ago forgotten suddenly sprang to mind and we just had a load of laughs about our time at school.

W reckoned that our "human Rights" were violated and that we were treated worse than being sent to Guantanamo but - it doesn't really seem to have done many of us much harm apart, that is, from being far more right wing than we were when we were teenagers.

We had less beer than we usually do and the football interrupted our evening a lot (Chelsea versus Liverpool). This particular "soccer" match was pretty good by all accounts but frankly, it isn't Cricket and it certainly isn't Rugby Union and so we weren't that interested. How on earth these "players" command 6 figure weekly sums is pretty disgusting considering they can't challenge for a ball without falling over and crying.

So - we did Religion, Politics, Strange goings on with some of the Teachers at school, totally non PC stuff like bringing back fireworks from the continent and letting them off and all other sorts of naughty things we did as kids that these days is treated as some sort of disorder but is really only high jinx!

Great time, cheered myself up and ready to get back to work and face off some of the numpties I have to work with there!

Another Warrior Dies

I heard today that someone that I knew to wave at and briefly say hello had succumbed to Cancer. No one seemed to know what he had other than it was diagnosed last year, was very bad and he died in less than a year - unfortunately he was only 45 years old which is, frankly, tragic.

As I said to the guys I was with today "There but by the grace of God go I". It sure does bring it home when you hear that sort of thing.

On a brighter note, my cousins are over from NZ and planning to meet up this weekend which is lovely. I hope the weather stays nice and we can sit out. It's been a few years, certainly before I got Bladder Cancer and perhaps even a few years before that. I hope that as the girls get older we get the chance to go and explore. The best time is our Winter and so much else happens then. Maybe in a year or two. We will have to see if Mrs. F and I are still speaking to each other after our cruise. We haven't been away together for longer than overnight for 19 / 20 years and that was when we went to Canada. Gee!

I am out tonight with my old school chums. That should be a barrel of laughs - I always feel great when I come back although my head may be sore in the morning. Had a laugh at work today and put up one of my stinging notices - paraphrasing Oscar Wilde - "People in here appear to know the price of everything but the value of nothing!". No one really commented, maybe they just got out of my way today and realised that I wasn't in my normal top of the morning mood.

As luck would have it my evening out with the mad Armenian and my ex boss is cancelled tomorrow so I don't need to go to the Betty Ford Clinic to dry out :-) I was dreading that as these guys can stick the booze away and whilst I used to be able to - since the treatment cannot for more reasons than having to run to the toilet every 20 minutes :-)

I'm suffering with this confounded tinnitus again and my boss has had to go to the GPs as he now has the problems I had in January and has gone deaf. I hope he has got it early though.

Diet begins

It isn't really a diet as such, more eating a healthy and more balanced diet. This week is a bad week to do that as I am out every night this week. I need to see if I can limit my eating and drinking to suitable limits.

I need to lose about 2 stone I reckon and at least 2" off my waist if not 4" if I can. The problem with diets is that they don't keep the weight off whereas changing your style of eating will help reduce your weight and then keep it that way.

My BP readings appear to be pretty good at the moment and I also need to look at getting over and seeing the GP again. What a pain, I suppose they realise we all have to work but just to go back and talk about my Blood Pressure appears to be a waste of time to me, I've already had that particular talk. I might just send in the BP results and then see if they want to see me rather than go and deliver by hand at an appointment. I know what the answer will be anyway.

I seem to be feeling generally well and apart from tiredness which is getting more manageable, things generally appear to be getting better. Mentally, I still have some minor concerns about the change of heart of the Consultant but, June will be the month when the biopsies are taken and the results known.

Watched the Programme

On Cancer and it wasn't too much to go on about. Much of what any cancer sufferer or cancer warrior/survivor may already knows was in there but there was a nice quote from a lady who was a Breast Cancer Survivor. That was that she didn't like people going on about how brave she was or how she must have suffered.

I think if you didn't have cancer it didn't do much for you other than reminding you of the basics. Eat properly, don't smoke, go to GP early if you have any symptoms.

On the lady who didn't like people saying she was brave etc. I kind of subscribe to that. You have cancer, you get treatment and you have to live with it. If you don't you could end up a lot worse so you just get on with your lot. There is nothing you can do about it and whilst it isn't particularly nice it's not as if you are brave as such.

The Easter Egg hunt went well again today and we had to hold it inside as it was inclement but everyone enjoyed themselves.

Good Friday

Was good actually. My friend and colleague came around and we thrashed out some business issues and plans we have been working on. We went out for a beer and lunch (Ham, Egg and Chips) which was great.

I have a load of things to finish off now as we are planning to get our business off the ground soon.

I am hoping that I can continue on feeling as well and as fit as I am even though I still get tired.

Last Day in the Office for a while

It's quite a nice feeling actually. A couple of days off work and perhaps an opportunity to catch up with some of my own work and meet some friends too plus the Easter Egg hunt on Saturday.

It was bitterly cold last year and we held the hunt inside. It should be warmer this weekend but there is a threat of rain. Let's hope that the sun shines and that the children have a great time as well as the old people who reside at the home where we organise the hunt.

I was really pleased to see that A is going to do the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK. I'm very proud of both A and L as they often go off and do things for charitable causes on their own initiative. L who is saving up to go on her World Challenge Expedition still found time to raise money for Comic Relief a few weeks back despite also needing to raise her own funds.

I was thinking this morning on the way into work of the time that A shot a series of photos for her college work on various designs for anti-smoking material to go on cigarette packets and there was a reference to her having chosen that because I was suffering from Cancer. I felt quite choked up when I read that as I realised that the family were going through the mill a bit.

Anyway, nice to see she is raising some money and probably having a good time doing so. Let's hope that all the effort does some good and that the money raised goes into more research that will help 2 out of very 3 of us.

Getting to be a habit

Missing days in my blog. Not deliberate really just the pressures of this week and not getting the time to sit down at home. Hence a blog from work.

As we run up to Easter, all sorts of things are happening in the madhouse that we call home. I am out everyday whereas Mrs. F. and the kids are off College and School for a two week break. A is getting ready to go camping as a precursor to going off to one of the music festivals later this year. Good for her - I never did get to go to one of the festivals. I hope the weather is good for her.

Busy at work in a way, there are lots of things going on which are good but there are lulls in between which are boring. I am proofreading this afternoon but my heart really isn't in it as I wrote the damn thing in the first place so I know it will be a difficult read to correct my own work. Most other things have been completed ready for the Easter break and we get a short day tomorrow which is always nice to have.

I'm quite pleased that we have booked the holiday in the Baltic. I am looking forward to getting a serious overdose of architecture and culture. I've always wanted to go to St. Petersburg and so that will be a highlight for me.

As for health - I seem to be OK. Dropped a few lbs in the past week but not really worked a good routine out for not eating too much at work yet. The exercise machine is looking dusty and I keep glancing at it knowing that I must get back to that. I have done my Blood Pressure for the past few mornings and evenings and I am back at acceptable levels - it may take a shedding of a stone or so and a bit more fitness to get back to some of the really good readings of last year.

Running up to Easter I managed, at least, to sort out cards and chocolates etc. It was a bit touch and go but that is done. I have the Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday which will keep me occupied then and hopefully I can have a few days not doing too much except my accounts which couldn't be completed last week.

Blood Pressure

Is much lower today than on Friday and Mrs. F. Almost had to have a row with the GP surgery to get my tablets. I'm happy to miss them and drop a not to the surgery asking for when they've stopped fannying around to perhaps sort out my prescription. As it seems to be the case everywhere these days no one talks to anyone anymore and there were about 3 different sets of instructions and it isn't worth arguing with these "types" as they don't actually have a pragmatic view on the world. If "Computer say no" then it is the right answer.

Me? I'd tell them to fornicate off as I can't abide jobsworths. Had one today who wont take my word for it and wants my bosses signature. Instead of my boss telling him what for he countersigned it. Me, in my organisational days, would have ripped the guy a new arse for that sort of behaviour. Unfortunately for this particular "jobs worth", he hasn't worked out what a truly awkward sod I can be yet. His day will come and he will rue the day he ever tried that stupid trick on as it will permanently backfire on him. Mind you, he is pretty strange...

So - back to my health. I'm OK, just realised though that I have booked up loads of things including my holiday and a staff paintballing day that may clash with a future operation. I think I will drop a line off to the Consultant to make sure they get me done in early June. At least that way everything is avoided.

I need to lose a shed load of weight and whilst I have started to lose it, as I can actually feel it going, I must concentrate on it. Today was a case in point. Soup, low bread and fillings and get taken out for a few beers and lunch unexpectedly. It just doesn't do and I really want to get back to a good weight prior to going into Hospital so I can be as fit as possible to endure that. I don't want a session like last time either, it left me really low so building up my strength and fitness will help.

Wot? No Sunday Blog

I must be losing it. Well actually we were recovering from our meal the night before with A and the family. Then it was early up for Malaysian GP, then it was the Touring Cars, GP2 Asia, Rally and SuperBikes and in between booking the holiday which was traumatic as after filling in shed loads of forms, got to the last page to find that they had trouble with their servers so booked this morning.

So we are off to the Baltic and the capitals of the area. I have always wanted to go to St. Petersburg as well as Stockholm, Helsinki and Copenhagen. The only one we miss is Oslo. Looking forward to that already.

Back at work today and see that the Cancer programme is getting more comments HERE. As well as HERE too.

Amazed at the views - or maybe shouldn't be as the BBC attracts its fair amount of loonies as does everywhere else I suppose. Interesting question but not really the best way of asking it. "You're reaction to the word Cancer?" Some kind of say death sentence straight off. I suppose that, apart from that stereotypical view, it is very much your own experience and that what come through, together with the Snake Oil salesmen too.

I will have to watch it on catch up TV or iPlayer later. Been a hell of a day at work, really slow and not really getting anywhere. Hope tomorrow will pick up again.

Measured BP this mornining and at a reasonable level although higher than where I want it to be.

Shock

Well it was to me - my blood pressure was through the roof and I can only put it down to my normal hate of the GP waiting room and them being 30 minutes late so I was beginning to seethe by then. Normally they are on time but yesterday - it wasn't great. My BP was way too high, it came down later but even so wasn't as I record it back here. What I do realise though is that I must sort out exercising and even though I have lost some weight now and altered my diet drastically, I do need to drop a lot of weight and quite quickly too.

Luckily we discussed blood tests and they were dismissed, I hate blood tests. The upshot is I have to go back again in a few weeks and take some of my won readings along. exercise and all that need to be sorted though as well.

On a happier note I went out last night to a Lodge meeting, ended up giving the response to the visitors toast (again) but I enjoy it and there was plenty to say and I can crack a few jokes and anecdotes with the rest of them..

Today we are builder free, we do however have dust you can write your name in just about everywhere in the house.

It looks as if a holiday may have been sorted out and we are considering a cruise. Now Mrs. F. wasn't greatly amused last time about the cruise around the Faroes, Iceland and Norway although I enjoyed it. We have both always wanted to visit St. Petersburg (Russia not the US version) and the other Baltic Capitals and it looks as if we have found a cruise that will do that which would be great. I priced up doing city breaks and it is cheaper to go on a cruise and get a day or two in each of these capitals.

Tonight we are off for a meal with the family to celebrate A's birthday. It should be nice as my Nephew is over from Luxembourg for the weekend and it will be great to catch up with him.

Maybe that's another view

Going on from the previous post and the emotional response to other people's sufferings perhaps signifies something else. I just wonder if there is more to all of this than is comfortable with most of us? By that I think that I'm not comfortable with the mortality I was presented with and that perhaps I didn't face up to it at the time and probably still haven't faced up to it now?

You get to look at death and you get visited by the little voices in the back of your head, the Black Dog comes and visits in your dreams and during your waking hours too. Black Dog? My friend's and my name for the horrible dreams and nightmares, the bad thoughts in your head, the madness and depression and negativity of living with cancer. The Black Dog comes and tears down your optimism and questions everything and is generally non constructive thoughts and dreams.

So, you look at death and don't want to go there. Invariably though, it isn't quite as bad as that and whilst you go through some pretty serious treatments and experiences, you aren't "near death", there are others worse off than you and poorly you may be, but nearing meeting your maker you are not.

I don't think you therefore actually come to prepare to meet your mortality because you don't need to at that time. If they had said "You are Terminal" then you would have to. That process of working through that particular challenge didn't happen, something similar did happen but it wasn't that. Hence now, when you see terminal illness and suffering the switch goes off in your brain and it becomes upsetting. Not because you know what it feels like, but because you think you know what it feels like. In fact the bit that is missing is that I never did sit down and face up to my mortality and what it meant. early on I got pretty upset about not being there when the girls got married, graduated or whatever - I felt sad for all the things I perhaps should have done, I really thought that I wouldn't last long but, the interesting thing is, once I rationalised things and got the first operation out of the way, my attitude was completely different. It is highly survivable, they can treat you with some pretty effective medicines and even if you need to have radical surgery done, you can live with it.

So my addition to the earlier blog is about having empathy with those who are terminal in as much as I may have started off down that path but never got far along it. I managed to turn back and go down a different path. Down the terminal path I have no idea how you feel about meeting your end, how your family and friends will react (which is a strange thing to think about really as they'll still be alive) and all the other thoughts that must rattle around your head at a time like that. When you meet someone who is terminal, and I have, you can empathise with them and be sorry to hear their news yet you will steer away from the major questions "How long?", "How do you feel about that?" as it is often in a social gathering that such conversations take place.

So, emotional reactions for a non emotional type? Empathy? Yes perhaps it is mainly that, I've been through some of the stuff you have been through and I know it hurts, debilitates, knocks you sideways, isn't understood and so on. Knowing that the person is having a seriously rough time, yes, I still consider myself to have gone through a rough old time and many have told me it is pretty shocking, I can feel their suffering but it is more than that. Comparing their problems with mine maybe that too plays a part but I think when it boils down to it, it goes back to something more fundamental than these points alone. I think it goes back to "It's all about me", I feel emotional because I don't normally feel emotional about myself. I've never really grieved for myself and my situation and these glimpses into other people's lives just reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am now. It triggers a response that I never really allowed myself except right at the beginning and that is to let it out and have a bloody good sob and feel, for once, sorry for myself!

I go back to the time I came back from the GP after he referred me to the specialist. Before I knew for certain it was cancer. I knew it what it was although I refused to believe it at that time and I locked myself into my office where I am now and went into meltdown. I don't think I cried after that even when I knew what it was and had the couple of days wait to go into Hospital. I was almost relieved to know what it was and that it could be tackled although we didn't know how bad it was going to be (staging) until afterwards.

I may have whinged and moaned about some of the tests and treatments but haven't cried since then about myself. I remember having tears of pain after one treatment but not anything on any real scale since.

I don't know. It could be any of those things and it could just be that my hormones are all over the place with the treatment.

There remains an even simpler answer; that I used to view everything as a cynic and turned over when bad or upsetting stuff was on. Now I face up to it.

There you are, an explanation but no nearer. Life's like that, it would be a boring place if we had all the answers I suppose.

The Trouble with being in touch with your emotional side is

That it becomes increasingly uncomfortable to sit through many programmes that show any sort of real life suffering. Tonight there was a programme about the work the Childrens' Hospice movement does and it concentrated on Helen and Douglas House. One of the related charities I work with is Lifelites and they provide the entertainment and computer equipment for these life limited children and their families throughout the childrens' hospice community.

So, I watched the programme and just got more and more uncomfortable and quite emotional about the plight of some of the guests and their families. Before I had cancer I would have turned over but tonight I stuck to it. I could have done with a few more handkerchiefs it was quite distressing and at the same time quite uplifting showing the comfort that such places provided in some terribly difficult circumstances.

What was nice to see was someone who survived a life threatening disease and she was just in her 30s and had a new lease of life and was coming to terms with being well again, not having to to go for treatment and not having her timetable set by doctors, hospitals and medication. She struggled to find meaning in it and it was good to see that the hospice rose to the challenge of helping her get a grasp on what it now meant to be healthy - or on the way back to health. Suddenly others expected her to be "just like them" straight away and perform at their level and get a job and settle down etc., etc. Totally unrealistic. I felt a lot of empathy with her as I am still coming to terms with it and what it means and wondering how to spend the gift of being free of cancer.

Here is a LINK to the web site about the programme - it is available for a few days on iPlayer.

I discussed this new "emotional me" with a good friend not so long ago and it appears to go with the territory of having cancer and a number of people I have spoken to have said they are far more "emotional" than they ever were before. I can't tell you quite why that would be apart from your whole body gets stirred around and goes out of balance and I understand that your hormones go all over the place as well so perhaps that. There is the empathy you have with people with terminal diseases and even more so when they are young. Some of these youngsters are very matter of fact. It is also a joy to see how well they are cared for and the support for everyone involved.

The strength it gives me is that I can "do my job" and raise awareness and funds for the Charity and play on other's emotions because you can hear in my voice the often difficult job we have to do in this respect. The trouble is there are so many tales of suffering that you could get flooded with it all too.

If there could be anything that has changed massively in me these past 33 months now, it is that I find anything like this programme seriously upsetting. tonight I made myself watch it and it did move me and somehow it adds a determination to change things in any small way that I am able. I may not make a difference to those children directly but through Lifelites my sporadic donations may help them enjoy having a bit of fun.

There's another thing, if you have children and they are healthy, this sort of tragedy for the parents and the child are just unthinkable. It should make you count your blessings, whatever denomination you are, and be glad that you do not need to call on their services.

Changing attitudes to Cancer

Newsnight next Monday 6th April will be reporting on "How Good is Your Cancer Care?" It will compare it with Europe. It will also look at the breakthroughs and also the attitudes towards Cancer. The programme starts at 22:30 BST.

The BBC web link is HERE

Typically I cannot see it on the night but I will use the catchup service iPlayer

I think that only sufferers and their families will have a different attitude to what the word cancer means to them. In most people I speak to they think that I have been through terrible suffering (maybe I have - I'm hardened to it). Additionally in the early stages most people thought I was dying and a lot thought I'd lose (what's left of) my hair.

The stereotypical response to cancer will no doubt be in evidence but I have a feeling that many more people will feel that the success of combating cancer is better. The fear is, of course, driven by high profile deaths from Cancer. Often these are described as "aggressive" - frankly all cancers are that.

Anyway, it will be interesting viewing and I'll be interested in what it has to say.

Working from Home

Is OK. I needed the extra few hours sleep as well as I was feeling tired again towards the end of each working day. The tinnitus is still with me although today it is very much in the background. The only thing I can liken it to is the constant noise you'd hear in an engine room or in a room full of electronics but at a higher pitch.

The mind is pretty good at dealing with it though and it just fades into the background. It is worse in the mid afternoon and the last few days have needed me to play music through my MP3 player to combat the noise and try and distract myself from it.

I'm waiting on the builders to show up and do their thing. They have to plaster the new ceilings and sort out the electrics tomorrow. Whilst I am a trained Electrician I am not allowed to touch it these days by Law. A clever move on behalf of the industry that has probably saved the hundreds of millions of people who died every year of electric shocks - not!

Hopefully all will be completed by the weekend and then, I have no doubt, it will dawn on Mrs. F. that redecoration is required. Life goes on!

OK quick blog in and out

So two days off the builders need to get sorted and luckily I am here tomorrow as they will be late. The G20 stuff in London seemed to hardly affect us but the trains in and out were rubbish today.

I am off out to a Jazz night and looking forward to that. I intend to get as much done as possible in the next few days to clear my backlog of things.

Tinnitus and Anniversary

I ended up getting the early train home from work - my ears were just screaming with this high pitched sound and I still have it now. It really is annoying and no matter what I do I just cannot get rid of it today. I tried the loud music blast but that didn't work.

It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.

The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.

My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.

So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.

Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.

It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.

Should you go back

To doing the things you used to do or go and do something new and different? I'm enjoying doing different things these days and get enjoyment from things that perhaps may appear simple and not entertaining or perhaps stimulating. I like a challenge and whilst I don't regret having given up my University course, at the back of my mind is just the twinge of thinking to myself that I could have done so well in it, it really made me think and it really opened my eyes.

Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)

Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.

We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?

Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.

Builders tomorrow

Luckily I am out of the way tomorrow when they come and rip out the old ceiling and put in the new one. It has at least given us a chance to clear out the stuff we don't use and find some stuff that I lost.

I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.

A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:

Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered

It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?

Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.

Good feelings

I think that things must be gradually getting better and my outlook on life is better. Over the past few weeks I am noticing that I'm just happy to do things, enjoying my days out and enjoying meeting friends and celebrating. I'm enjoying work (not commuting).

A few things need to change including my weight and further adjustments and refinements in my diet and exercise regimes.

It is one of those crazy things that I am trying to get time off to go get these tests done and cannot find time to do them. They need them for my medicines and I need them to get my prescription. It is a funny old world but I will get it done this week. I cannot believe it has been a year since I last had it done. It is also a year since I started this job and a year since the Tribunal. A lot has happened in the lost year.

Looking forward to taking a rest

Not sure quite what I am going to do this week. I have 4 days holidays to take before Tuesday and its Sunday today. I think I might consider taking a couple of days off at the end of the week. I must be in tomorrow and sort out stuff for a number of people and then I can get on and sort out my own bits.

I have managed to get myself in advance on most things. The trouble this week is that Ii need to agree my new contract - yes I have been there a year now. I need to try and get days off sorted, I need to get to see the GP and get a right rollicking for being overweight. After that I need to go and get my blood taken so they can make sure they aren't killing me. On top of that, this place is going to look like a tip whilst they replace the ceilings and it is A's 19th Birthday this week. I can hardly believe that she is that old.

I'm really struggling to keep on top of all my paperwork here but today has been useful to get a great swathe of things done. I didn't get around to the accounts but they need my undivided attention and one day needs to be taken to make sure I get that right.

Up early

bit now it is 10:30 and no one else is up - the clocks went forward of course but the funny thing is that apart from me, and I have been up hours watching the Grand Prix, the place is in silence.

I'm back at my desk and wondering whether to creep downstairs and get a coffee or just stay here cracking on with all the paperwork I have to catch up on. I must actually do a number of these things today or I'll miss the deadlines for them. I have also just seen that I am meant to have the accounts finalised and audited by the 16th April. As someone once said - "You've got two hopes on that, No Hope and Bob Hope!"

I can blame my computer crash I reckon...

Enjoy Yourself

I certainly did that today. Not having to worry about a few glasses of wine I took the bus and train and was pleasantly surprised just how easy it all was and how the connections worked. It was a lovely meeting and great food. The Cheese board arrived and I said I really shouldn't but as the wife wasn't watching I'd have a little. No one else wanted any and so I ended up picking away at the cheese and with supreme strong will managed to stop short of clearing the board.

I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed my day out. I had a little sleep (as you do) in my chair when I got home and am now off to bed as we lose an hour tonight of course and also that I want to be up early for the F1 as it looks to be really interesting in terms of who has the upper hand in the manufacturers and drivers championships. Time will tell, I hope they just get on with the racing and leave the politics back at home. Fans want races decided on the track not in a court of law.

I think I may have lost a bit of weight this week as my suit fitted better today than it did last Saturday - it isn't a lot but encouraging that despite the meal on Thursday evening I still appear to be getting the intake of food down and the type of food has changed as well.

I have ramped up my fruit intake and I just need to get back into the right sorts of habits.

I talked to a friend who had the same cold as I did and he has had to have an MRI scan for his tinnitus he suffered. That is a bit of a concern but he and I compared notes and it is almost identical to the problems I had.

I was also invited out to loads of meetings and so I need to spend the rest of tomorrow sorting out those invites and loading dates into the diary for next year. One of them is VERY special indeed as it is the 175th Anniversary of Grand Stewards Lodge which will be marvellous to attend. I am beginning to feel much better about myself and it is great to be getting out more and spending time at these meetings. It cheers me up no end.

The House is in a bit of uproar as the builders are coming to repair the ceiling upstairs where Mrs. F put her foot through it :-) and the Kitchen which I repaired when we first moved in (water damage) and has been temporary for 20 years now :-)

I am grateful to be out of the house whilst most of that happens!

I hadn't intended to fall asleep in the chair

But I was so tired from a full week's work that I grabbed some tea sat down to watch the cycling and promptly fell asleep and missed it all! F1 returns this weekend which pleases me. I am a bit of a petrol head and it will be interesting to see how all the new rules materialise this year.

Certainly practice looks interesting and the cars actually look to be capable of having a race not a procession this year.

I am out tomorrow to Gillingham in Kent and I will take public transport there and back. The nice thing about that is that I can have a few beers and some wine and the train and bus can bring me back home! It is actually marginally faster by public transport anyway.

I hope to get some time sorting out other things this weekend that I have missed. As usual tiredness is taking its toll. I am beginning to lose some weight and I intend to keep that happening this year and if I can lose a lot by the early summer. Crash dieting isn't good but a controlled slow loss and exercise seems to be doing the trick. The biggest problem still remains the number of meetings I am attending and the meals and booze that go with each.

I'm sure that I will be able to settle on a happy medium.

Of strange things

One of our suppliers let us down today - have been working like crazy to get the diary together and they have had months (almost 9 months) notice but their supplier ( a big company) screwed them and so our deadline is gone. We met ours, they met theirs the supplier screwed up. Our customer (yes we have them in charities) is furious and wants us to pull out all the stops but frankly if the world's top supplier says we aren't printing them until we are ready then not a lot is going to happen and I'm not spending more time on something that isn't achievable.

I went off this evening to the Bosses Lodge meeting. It was very nice and I got to do a lot of work even as a visitor. A good meal but silly journey home. Had the weepy, crying stupid girlie on the train who decided to light up a cigarette, which I'm guessing fell into whatever she was drinking o then it sounded like she was sick and then she started crying. I moved carriages but she decided to try and move herself but couldn't find the door button for a while. All the time I was dreading her getting near. Luckily the train made it into the station as she managed to work the door. The smell of cheap perfume, vomit and stale cigarettes really did nothing for her, her makeup had run and she could barely stand. Oh to be young again :-)

I'm still tired as you like. More so as I got woken a number of times and had just a few hours. I intend to try and get some more tonight.

I have run out of time to take holiday. I hope that I can negotiate that in the next week or so.

The end of March is rapidly approaching and I haven't done a load of things I should.. The weekend may be catch up time. At least F1 starts again and the clocks go forward losing us an hour!!!

By leaving work an hour early

I actually get home in really good time. By now my train would have only just pulled into the station and I'd be walking for 10 to 25 minutes and not be home for another 30 minutes. So it looks as if this could be a plan if I can swing it. Damn I was tired though and as the boss was trapped in a meeting and has all my documents with him to comment on I decided I might as well go home than sit there twiddling my thumbs.

I'll have a full on day tomorrow followed by an evening out with half the chaps in the office at their Lodge meeting. All good fun.

As for tiredness and fatigue it just goes with the territory - it is one of those things that I imagine you eventually get over or come to exist with.

I caught my ear

With my nail yesterday and cut it quite badly and the damn thing is driving me nuts - I managed to knock the scab off and start it bleeding again this evening. I feel like a bit of a wreck as my arms and shoulder ache and my ear is still screeching. I could do with some sleep and will take myself off after completing this late night blog. I tend to sit down and spend ages not doing anything and then suddenly realise it is late.

Had a bit of a shock with the ear bleeding though as I was sat on the toilet and used some tissue paper to staunch the flow of blood and dropped that down the pan. When I got up I could see blood in the toilet and I very nearly shocked myself stupid until I realised what it must have been. Since then I have been taking particular notice of when I go to the toilet in case there IS blood there. SHUDDER!!! Nothing on this earth can ever prepare you for how gross that actually is - almost unreal experience and not one I recommend to anyone...

Half way through the week tomorrow. I must plan out my contract and other stuff tomorrow and all my commitments. I could do with time off really but that isn't going to happen this week.

The New Desk

Is a it more challenging than the old one as one of my colleagues is even more "off the wall" than I am.  A nice guy and all but with a most bizarre sense of humour which takes some getting used to.  I know I can make huge lateral leaps in the way my mind works but this guy leaps whole universes :-)

Work is OK, a bit grinding at the moment as I am pushing through things that need to get done and get sorted.  Interestingly enough, when we get past the next 6 weeks or so it all goes quiet for a while.  There is just so much work going on at the moment that it makes your head spin.

Somehow I need to get time off to get my Blood Pressure taken and have a blood test so I can get my next lot of tablets - will be funny if they refuse to give them to me I suppose as the results can only go downhill if I don't have them.  

Can't say I really fancy another blood test but I suppose I should be used to the bloody things by now.  

I am thinking about taking some time off and quite what I want to do for some holiday.  L is away for a month and A goes away at about the same time.  That could give me 4 weeks Holiday but Mrs F cannot get off work early.  She isn't amused with the idea of me jetting off somewhere and then she has to find where I went and catch up with me.  The fun bit - I don't tell her where in the world I'm going to go.

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do but getting around to any of them is another thing.  I suppose there will be a need to plan it around any operation that I need and remembering the mess they left me in the last time, I suppose I ought to be considering seeing if I come out of it OK before booking.

The Sauna Train

It is that time of year - no matter if you take a light or a warm jacket it will always be either too hot or too cold and you have the wrong jacket. The trains are competing with each other to create the perfect sauna and tonight's train has to be the hottest I have ever sat on. I opened the windows and had my jacket off, sleeves rolled up and it was still unbearable. How on earth people sat there with their coats on I have no idea.


I still have tinnitus which is very off putting as the high pitched screaming was giving me some trouble today at a meeting. Fitness - average, attitude - not bad - work is good, feeling - well a little sick if the truth be known, I had a nice enough meal this evening and went for a beer after our Lodge of Instruction and I feel a little queasy - I even left some of my beer which is unusual to say the least. Not sure if the beer was the reason or the catalyst.

So sat here feeling a little less than my normal humorous and upbeat self, trying not to cough or hiccup in case I actually am sick - it is close :-(

So, fighting back the feeling that I may be having a conversation with the porcelain voice pipe or indeed subjecting myself to a technicolour yawn, I shall continue on here for a while.

It was an interesting chat this evening that a friend pointed out there was a local job, paying as much as I get now, looking after a school's PC infrastructure and getting to work 42 weeks a year. He said hands off as he was having first shot at it - but even so - it did sound interesting. the trouble with any of the jobs is that you'd be expected to work specific hours and I haven't done that until recently since 1991 or before really. Since then I have been able to do pretty much what I wanted as long as - and here is the rub - the work got done, on time and on budget, the customer was happy and we made a profit. Simple really, keep all the balls up in the air and the reward was very much all about time - having the time to go and do what you wanted, when you wanted, as long as you played fair.

So many people don't get it even today. Most offices lie empty more than they are occupied. If you work 40 hours a week, it leaves the offices unoccupied for 16 hours a day Monday to Friday and 48 Hours at the weekend! One day people will get their heads around the problem but still in this day and age, for more than 2/3rds of the time, no one actually works in the offices that are kept heated or conditioned.

I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with bladder cancer and so forgive me for rambling on once again.

The "celebrity" or person of notoriety I mentioned in my blog earlier has died and there is a lot of "press" being made about it. I doubt that anyone outside of the UK has ever heard of her and yet some are playing it up like Diana died again. This lady was no Saint and craved publicity and lived in its glare. Being a person of notoriety doesn't make you anymore than what you were. They say she has increased awareness of Cervical Cancer and young women are coming forward to get screened. That is a good legacy but building up for beatification maybe a bit premature dear members of the press!!

By all means build on the good stuff but remember that reality stars are - well - reality stars.

It's Sunday

And the in-laws are coming for lunch - first I have heard about it! Not that I have any trouble with my in laws they are fine. Obviously I have some sort of communication problem and there's me in a job all about communication too.

I often wonder if it is me but then realise that it isn't! Things just happen here and will continue to do so I suppose. I don't thrive on serendipity, surprise and unplanned events. At least though I'll get a few beers down the neck and some wine with the meal! There needs to be a flip side.

Feeling good about myself and getting a daily boost in confidence and self esteem. Still need to work out how to lose this weight. I couldn't believe I got back last night after a three course meal and got an attack of the munchies and had a cheese sandwich at about 11! OOOopppss. Now that is guaranteed to stick pounds on me. Mind you, now that it is getting warmer I should start to eat less. I can drop a few stone over the Summer. I feel rabbit food (sorry salad) taking over my life again! If I start digging holes in the earth I've had too much.

Sussex

Horsham to be exact. What a lovely little town it is and very old and quaint in the centre. I arrived early as did a friend of mine so we set off on foot to explore. we must have looked a bit strange in the sunshine, dressed like Undertakers in our Morning Suits! We stopped off and had a beer in the centre - a nice pub and if we had stayed a little longer they had some sausages in french bread they were passing out at the bar. The Rugby was in full tilt on the TV and it was just a lovely day.

We then went to the meeting and had a great time. they do things very differently in Sussex and it was just so pleasant to sit down and enjoy the afternoon and the meal in the evening. i had to sing for my supper a bit though as I did the response to the visitor's toast but that was fine and enjoyable as it had been a good meeting and so it actually sounded like I had enjoyed it.

It would have been nice to be there without the car and to have spent a little time seeing the sites and spending some time in the local pubs. I am quite pleased with that and I was home before 10:15 so pretty good timing too.

The house is in darkeness and all quiet so I'd better not disturb anyone.

Quiet as a House

L has gone off for three days to train for her Argentina expedition. I am off out this afternoon and wont get back until this evening. Not sure if A is even in the house. Lovely sunny day and We ware all moving around each other and not saying a lot! Mrs. F. is doing something somewhere in the house, I am at this computer once again.

It is amazing how reliant we are on it these days. I am off to Sussex and so I am checking a satellite photo of the place and seeing where I can park, working out the time it will take me and checking out a joke or two as I have to reply to the Toast to the visitors this evening.

Well it wasn't so bad

Funny thing was Mrs. F's name was gotten wrong to start with and so I made the most of calling her Karen all night and so I got plenty of laughs in. Karen -it turns out - was a strip-o-gram lady acquaintance of a friend of a friend. :-)

We did enjoy ourselves and that is the main thing. not sure if Mrs. F did but the office humour sort of spilled out into the evening and you either rode with that or missed out.

I don't think we have been for an evening out to friend's for 2 or 3 years at least.... I enjoyed it, I hope we get back into the habit of getting friends around again.

Why tell me now you don't feel well?

With less than an hour to go before we are off out to some friends - now I am told Mrs F. doesn't feel well. She knew this morning and somehow expected what? A miracle - for goodness sake, now I have to live with mayrterdom all night - I could have easily made excuses this morning or early afternoon to cancel but no - first time she meets this lot and she is coughing and spluttering all over the place.

Thank goodness I am out on my own tomorrow down in Sussex.

Stages of happiness

I am gradually building myself up to being Mr. Happy again. There is still a way to go yet and as I was reminded in Steve's blog the other day, you never actually get a fully clean bill of health you are always under the threat of recurrence. So be it and move on is the mantra. Getting on with it just isn't that easy at all though.

It is a bit like the bogey man or sandman or whatever you may call him. It may have been a regular visitor or frightened you enough as a kid and eventually that goes away. Occasionally, very occasionally, there'll be some sort of fear that will remind you of that time. The main thing is that the visits get longer and longer in between and eventually disappear altogether. Well imagine Cancer being there every time. What will probably happen is that the fear and worry will slowly over time go away - you just can't rush it and perhaps only those of us with cancer can actually understand the dread fear of it coming back.

I go to the toilet - I look for signs of blood. I almost hesitate - just in case
I get an ache or feel the area around my bladder or lower stomach give a slight pain - that's cancer back I think?
I look at anything I have and wonder - is that cancer?
The area on the back of my hand aches where they normally stick the cannula - it reminds me of the number of operations I've had in the past 32 months and reminds me of the next ones to come
My Doc wants blood tests (again) and I am reminded that I am not as fit as I was before all of this.

I'm rebuilding my life again and it takes time and patience and I'm rescuing relationships and not always succeeding. Lord alone knows what has happened to my brain as I forgot that someone asked me for a lift last night (I can't remember them asking) and I still suffer tiredness and listlessness.

It doesn't sound at all positive does it? And yet it is in every way positive but when people ask why you aren't really celebrating and enjoying things as you would expect to, the niggles and worries really are there. I'm sure they are in every person who ever survived a brush with the Big C. My friends who both had Prostate Cancer and had that removed both young guys - they get clears all the time but even they are worried after all this time. The longer you remain clear the better it is. The fear is that you've had it once and it didn't get you so it is plotting to come and get you when you aren't expecting it. The bogey man is coming after me 40 years after I banished him from my bedroom and my dreams.

I am pleased to say that the Black Dog hasn't been seen for a long time which is great. I'm sure that he and his depression laden, twist your mind stuff is off bothering some other poor soul suffering from their Cancer and keeping them awake at night and taunting them with the dark glimpses of death and malevolent thoughts to disturb their nights and cause them waking dreams of depression and hurt. I'm glad he is gone, he was worse than any of my current worries and thoughts.

Moved desks

It was an interesting move and I now sit outside the boss's office. I think it will take some getting used to as my usual foil remains back at the old desk.

Time will tell though - I ended up with next to nothing to do tonight as I am awaiting a series of photos and comments on things.

Again I am tired and feel sleepy on the train home. I think it is getting a bit better but the heat of the train and the rocking motion certainly help to send me off :-)

I am considering my options and have pulled together a draft memo to outline my concerns at going permanent too soon with the staging and treatment so far of my Bladder Cancer. One recurrence and I could be back at stage one again or on to the next steps. All of which will cost the charity too much in terms of lost production and I for one wouldn't want that to happen to them no matter how much of a safe haven it would be for me. No I'd rather that they think it through and we look to mitigate and I suppose minimise the risks by letting another biopsy set be taken and getting the outcome of that.

I'm feeling happy with myself, tired of course, comfortable with work and less stressed than I have been of late. I have a lot of stuff to do and that is really my next challenge - to get that done in the next few weeks.

Nice to know

Everyone is still asking after me. Bad news is that a friend's father has less than two weeks to live. Brain Tumour and not operable. He is beyond the point of caring and now everyone else has to endure the time that he is hanging on. Don't take that the wrong way. I would hate that my family or friends should suffer. I want my family to remember me as I am now - not some drugged up, incoherent person in a Hospital room. NOW I feel for the family more than anything. Now it becomes personal and spiteful and cruel. Life IS like that I suppose. You'd rather remember people in a certain way and it isn't always possible.


I'd rather go by saying goodnight to my friends and just not being there next day. Remember me for what I was - I'd hate to become a burden or to leave a sad memory for anyone. Sometimes it is better that it just happens, everyone is shocked and then they get over it and move on.


I was not allowed to see my Grandfather in his last days - I was probably just turning 17 I think and I did go and see him when I was in London and not working. I was steered away from his last days. I loved him dearly and I could see the pain in his eyes when I went to see him and he couldn't talk or I didn't understand what he was trying to say to me.


I don't blame my parents for that at all - I remember him as a lovely, funny and mischievous Grandfather and that is fine. I can only NOW begin to understand the pain of that decision on him to no longer see his grandchildren but - what a courageous thing to do, it is some sacrifice, as you don't want other people to see you in that sort of pain. Having seen it since, it doesn't help seeing someone you like, love or admire at death's door and moving up a seat each moment in God's waiting room.


So I feel for my friend. His father is an inspiration to him and this is just terrible as at the same time we were talking about my good news and it just brought it home to me. He was really pleased about my news and I was saddened by his. Life has some cruel twists sometimes.

Looking forward to a night out

Twice a year we get a big meeting of all the Provincial Officers in our Provincial Lodge. This afternoon and evening it will be a chance for a good 300 or so of us to meet up and have a few drinks and a meal together and catch up with old friends and all the latest news and views.

It is a busy old meeting and so I am taking the bus there and will call afterwards to get a lift home. I drove there once and it was pretty grim to get parked and to get away afterwards. This way I can continue to have a beer afterwards and then phone to arrange a lift.

I am looking forward to this one as it is the dinner one - they do a lunch time one in October and I don't often go to that so this is a useful time to meet up with some other people and catch up on the gossip and see what everyone is up to.

At least I'll be out of the house and with some good friends.

Happy with my own company?

Some say that an INTJ are happy enough with their own company and that is true. I can happily go and sit in a pub, with a book or newspaper and read that, have a beer and be very happy with my lot. I work well in a team or as a team leader and all the usual stuff but occasionally I tend to find that if I haven't been able to communicate or express myself to someone else then I tend to off load when I do meet someone who is willing to listen. I try to be equal and listen to them but I've noticed that I do tend to miss not having someone to talk to about my ongoing recovery and how I am coping. My mates are good and so they tend to be the ones who "get it".

I can't say that any discussion happens here in the house. Whether that was protection for the children or just we only spoke about the treatment and the practicals I don't know. Certainly, unless anyone actually reads this blog, there isn't a lot of discussion going on.

People at work know that something has happened, a few are in the know, many recognise that there is something wrong with me, they guess it is serious, but we don't talk about it.

The Journey so far has been an interesting one in as much as some things that have happened have been revelations, some things have been unexpected, some have been disappointing but above all, the strangest thing has been that I've changed and no one but no one has reacted to that at all. I'm not the person I was going into this. I'm not at all like I was before, I feel that I am a lot friendlier and more approachable, less likely to deal with fools any better for sure but still, significant changes to the way I used to be and everyone has gotten on and accepted all of that. Its those nearest to me that I don't connect with anymore though and that is disappointing but perhaps they notice it even more than before? Perhaps I am just too different now, too demanding, too lively, talk in a different way and am not the person they knew any longer?

It reminds me of the couple who married and the wife set about changing her Husband, making sure he dressed properly, got on at work, joined the Golf Club and Rotary etc. After 5 years she complained that"he wasn't the man she married!"

I'm sure as hell not the person I was 32 months ago.

Working at home

I sort of miss the freedom when I have to go and do "structured" work. Commuting, routine and same desk thinking is one of the things I got away from back in the early 1990s and I enjoyed the creative freedom that working at home gives you.

You can work when you like and that means you work when you are most likely to perform well. You don't have 3 hours worth of travelling each day to add to the day. You don't sit in cattle trucks for the journey and a list of other things that make the typical day to day work experience less than just "getting out of the house".

At least today it was good to get up an hour and a half later and still be sat at my PC before I'd really get started at work. Unfortunately the Third Sector is way behind in terms of flexible working and they don't get working from home at all. When I was in the IT business it was a necessary step to keep costs down and to some extent, as we tended to work at or on customer sites, it meant they could retain smaller offices that we hot desked in and out of. I could structure my day around my customer and myself and get a full day's work completed by 2 or 3 in the afternoon if I got into the office first thing, got what I needed done, went to the customer site etc. It meant that things got done, everyone was happy and I didn't get caught up in the commute in and out of London every day.

So it is quite nice being sat here at the PC and gradually working my way through the things I need to get done at my own pace.

I suppose a day off and I now value my time more than I did when I just sat here working away. Seeing the sun out I'm tempted to think that I'd like a local job that allows me to be in or out as I want. Dream on I suppose :-)

That day off

Is tomorrow and I have to get a crack on with loads of things that have piled up that need attention all stuff that I "volunteer" for.

In a way I'd like to get rid of a heap of them so I can just spend a bit of time without any pressures or things to distract me. I can spend hours sitting at my desk and no exercising or going out and I'd rather be considering my health and exercising.

Had a bit of a shock today as they want to push on with my contract and I'm a bit reticent - I'd rather stay on a contract basis than go permanent. If this other thing I am working on breaks then there will be a few problems anyway and I'd rather have a breakable contract than anything else.

Something else that I need to consider then... Perhaps part time - I just haven't thought about that either!!!

Oh well a day off then out in the evening and then changing desks at work on Thursday morning. That should be fun - I have no idea if it will work as I'm a bit lively and will be moving next to some other sparky characters too. Oh well we shall have to wait and see.

By now I am shattered

The previous blog forgot to say that I am out every Monday from late September to late May and don't get back until after 11 normally (unless I was having treatments) and so Monday nights can be very bad for me but - at least - I don't tend to have any insomnia on a Monday! Some upside :-)

I was reading some interesting notes today about cancer that it is included as part of the Disability Discrimination Act!! Whoa - that needs more investigation. Not for where I am as they are so keen to get me into being a permanent employee it is untrue but more over the legal aspects which interest me in terms of cancer being labelled as a disability and it appears that the side effects and long term recovery is also viewed that way too. I imagine that there is the ability to pay disability allowance to some people and I wonder how many realise that is the case. Whether or not it is applicable to me, it does show that there is something being done about it and something is in place to cover it.

Start of the week

It always seems to be the same that the start of the week I get tired as I am coming home and gradually each day I get tired earlier on in the day progressively. It does appear to be better and in terms of the utter fatigue I was getting some months ago this is far more manageable.

In terms of work - well that is also now manageable too. I just get on and do my work and crash my way through it. I need to have some time off this week as there are lots of silly little things I need to do and if I don't work my way through them - I will probably forget.

I could really do with losing a load of these things I have been doing for years. I am tiring of running them and someone else can probably run them better than I can and can take some care and attention of them too.

Other than that - Monday isn't so bad I suppose - at least work was OK and the journey was OK both ways so I can't complain.

Fatigue ongoing

I've been tired all day today and slept in and have dropped off a couple of times this afternoon. I make a conscious decision not to sit at my computer on a Sunday but today sat downstairs with my laptop.

I think that I need a few days off this week to get myself organised. Loads of things to do and I just need to sit down and do them. Not least of which are my accounts and also to sort out my diary as I am out non stop now and need to sort that out too.

This tiredness builds up day on day and luckily I do have the weekends to catch up at weekends.

A Personal Journey

Experiencing cancer must of necessity be a personal experience and it is governed by your circumstance in life, your family, your geography and you own make-up, personality etc.

Even amongst Hospitals in the same county here in the UK the regime for dealing with BC is different. The postcode lottery (zip code) can also affect you treatment.

Your attitude, your outlook, your ability to take treatments and your fitness, your age and sex will all determine your own experience.

Some things are constants - TURBTs, BCGs and so on but the thing I am driving at is that things happen to you and you deal with them in your own particular way. My experience of being somewhat nonplussed by the results isn't exactly typical for example.

The thing I never expected was to have so many changes to my personality and to me generally caused, I am almost certain, through the journey so far.

I've noticed that I am really "lively" these days, I kept my table amused with loads of jokes last night and for an introvert you'd have been surprised I think. My wit is sharper than it ever was but my ability to chose certain words that I want to use lets me down all the time. Added to that not being able to remember a speech that I have done a number of times and it brought it home to me that there have been significant changes in terms of my memory and also how I see the world. It no longer matters what happens - nothing trivial can ever be serious again. That is the more amazing part of the journey, you get to see your eventual destiny and get taken right towards that place. You hang there for a while and then ever so gradually you withdraw from it.

That insight helps you to reconsider and reevaluate your world. As someone who has always been in the business of "control" the whole thing has been more traumatic as you have no control over things. What I do like is the ability to look at things in terms that make me compare things against "whether anyone will die". Is it that important, is it life threatening, is it really that important. Most of the answers are no and so what is great is that ability to rationalise things and boil them down to the basics.

I miss having a good memory but I enjoy the fast wit and lighter me. Gradually it is dawning on me that things are getting better. I'm not looking forward to having more tests etc but they are needed and I feel that taking away the immunotherapy treatments have lightened that disappointment.

A great day out

But I completely lost my memory. I've been working for weeks to get this speech learnt and delivered and I got to the meting and promplty forgot the whole thing. Luckily, a friend was up to do it and did a great job and it took a load of pressure off of me.

The lesson learnt is that I can't do what I used to do just a few years ago - learn a 5 or 6 page speech and deliver it without reading it - from memory - with only minimal or no prompting.

I now realise how bad my brain is in terms of this and it reinforces what I thought I knew..

Anyway, it was also a lovely day because the Lodge gave some money to L so she can go on her field trip to Argentina and do her voluntary work and trekking etc. This is great news as it takes her over the £4,000 barrier and she now only needs a few hundred pounds to complete her fund-raising. I think, for a 15 year old, she has worked really hard to get the money together. She has raised it all and done all sorts of activities to get the money. She isn't allowed to work officially so she has had to rely on boot sales, bag packing, sponsored events etc. Good for her. She is going to get a lovely surprise in the morning.

She has the most wonderful opportunity of a life-time to go to Argentina and help establish a school there and undertake trekking, exploring, climbing and other activities. They say she will come back a changed girl. I certainly hope she makes the most of it and - I think - having raised almost all the money herself - she will appreciate the whole thing.

I wish that I had those sorts of opportunities in my day.

Strange Feeling

I have been really pleased that friends are cheering me up recently. I'm happy that things are going right but I still have a nagging feeling that the uncertainty caused through the U turn by the Consultant is worrying me.

Not that I am into conspiracy theories - I reckon it was just an honest case of not fully reading the notes when they decided to stick me on Maintenance having already been on maintenance.

Oh well, out again today and I hope that it will be an enjoyable meeting and everyone has a good time. I have a lot to do again and some more words which are giving me trouble. I hope that it goes alright.

Do you know who your friends are?

I think I do and I think that their kind words and, more so their actions, have been instrumental in my fight and recovery from Cancer.

Cheers guys

Coincidence or what?

was waiting to go home after my meeting and turned to see an old friend who was (Play soundtrack to Twilight Zone) texting me at the same time. We decided to go for a beer or three. Not bad as I had been at a business meeting until then. I was about to catch the 19:45 and ended up on the 23: 00

Yes - well = right - what are the chances of that happening?

I am about to retire hurt I think.

Another nice day

I had one of those funny sorts of days. Funny in terms of the momentary lapse of reason I had when I realised that people are still thinking of me as a "Resource" when I am so much more than that. I am finding that one of my problems is that I need challenges, responsibility and recognition and those are lacking at present. Nowt phases me except being taken for granted as some sort of "secretarial" aide.

So on to more enjoyable stuff. A friend received, at the tender age of 92, his 50 years in Masonry Certificate. He is a lovely man and so Flocky Bicep and I went to the meeting. We hadn't been invited to dine and so made our way back here, got changed and went for a Curry. We initially ventured to one I used to go to and lo and behold - it doesn't exist anymore so we came back to the Village and had a nice curry and a good long chat.

Nice - enjoyed that and got a lot off my chest. I tend to thrash out my stuff on the blog as no bugger listens to me anyway! Tonight was slightly different as it was immediately interactive. Thanks Flocky.

Interesting Day

As I work in the Grand Lodge building it was nice to get an opportunity to go and see one of the 5 major meetings that are held - well - just up the stairs from us. So the day was busy but quite an enjoyable one. I suppose that I have a very enviable position being able to do that and it was my first Grand Lodge - it was impressive and most enjoyable as there are big changes at the top and it looks like exciting times ahead.

No idiot this morning to complain about or have a go at but I did get to see some random acts of stupidity. I don't know why it is but imagine you are walking towards someone and decide to take a certain line. The pavement I am talking about here is a good 15 feet wide and I am 20 or 30 paces away and make my manoeuvre towards the roadside so that we are no longer on a collision course. My opposite number is aware of this change and instead of walking in a straight line also alters course some 5 steps later bringing herself (you knew I was going to say that didn't you?) back onto collision course. Now we are feet away and neither of us knows what to do next except the stop and sidestep together a few times routine!

Add to that the person who walked in front of the traffic outside charing Cross and caused much screeching of brakes and the walk to work was at least a little amusing.

As for me - well I am tired but I am happy being tired and in the knowledge that things will continue to get better for a while.

I'm relatively happy and calm about things although I would really like to resolve work, employment or otherwise in the next few weeks.

My diary looks like a battlefield and I must get something together to send to my cousins by this weekend. I have a stack of stuff still to do and I have loads of meetings and things still to catch up on. It is nice I suppose to know that as long as the charity holds together, that I have a job there and I am pleased that I am making a difference.

Nostalgia

Lads night out tonight and it was good as we got an extra old boy along. There were some very funny moments indeed. A couple where I nearly spat out my beer as the punch line came at the wrong moment.

I really enjoyed the evening and relaxed. I can get used to being better - I really can.

Diet starts - after the weekend! I daren't even think when exercise starts :-(

Strange day

It was a strange day today - I belted through my work - I was on a real charge and I am in advance on some other bits and I still had capacity - suddenly I realised that I'm back into my old thrash mode and back up to speed which has been missing for 3 or 4 months. It is good. I also seem to be getting some real progress on some of the minor projects and have a couple of new ones starting too.



I'm quite content at work at the moment - had a funny one this morning, queuing at Pret two of us, two servers and a guy barges past me and orders up - the lady looked at me and I told her to serve my friend first as he was "obviously very hungry and perhaps thirsty too as anyone who wasn't would have been able to queue must be". He sort of looked and made a neanderthal noise. Then when he got served that twat paid for it with a credit card he screwed up that and also his discount card which was also out of date - where do we import these people from? The guy behind the counter was ready for any trouble. However, it was OK as he was as thick as brown stuff anyway. As he left I told him not to eat his food too fast as I'd hate for him to rush it and choke himself. This is a guy who obviously was in a terrible rush.

I nearly gave him the "doesn't your religion forbid you to eat on an empty stomach?" but he'd had enough of my tongue by then and we were all laughing - apart from him who still didn't get it. What an utter dick head. I shudder that there are ignorant people like that around. He's lucky my kid brother wasn't there he'd have found himself frog marched into the street if he'd done it to him :-)

It really doesn't cost anything to have good manners does it? I remember a chap giving up his seat for a lady on the bus and after a while he said "Pardon?" The lady said "I didn't say anything" he said "Oh sorry I thought you said thank you". She got off next stop - nice one.

Wall of disappointment

I'm a funny guy. Funny peculiar that is. I just cannot believe that this may be the end of the beginning. Nor can I get my head around letting go of things and moving on a bit.

Having convinced myself to go another round of maintenance and then finding it isn't necessary has left me nonplussed. Work is fine, I can cope with that but somehow I appear to have lost the ability to control m time in this past week. I am weighed down with so many things to do and I'd almost got to the point tonight of saying "what the hell" where normally I would be sorting out problems in the face of adversity I was actually asking myself - "why should I give a sh1t?" That is so unlike me. It wouldn't happen of course as I wouldn't let my friends down but I just feel very tired and very fatigued and as if I've run a marathon and I am on my last legs and totally exhausted.

Now that isn't surprising to you I guess. you can probably understand that fighting cancer for 32 months or so is going to leave you pretty knackered for sure.

Well it does because the relief is kicking in and my guard is coming down, the fences that I have built are being dismantled and all of the self preservation mechanisms are slowly disappearing and it is leaving me exposed and vulnerable and tired.

I cannot properly articulate quite how it feels other than just wanting to flop down in a chair after a long walk but not after a long run? Tired but not exhausted. Also, there are many things competing for my time and I'm not handling those well at all. I cannot work out what I am doing, what direction I want to head in and whether I'm doing the right thing.

All in all, I am one screwed up cookie right now. I honestly think that it isn't long term issues it is just coming to terms with the whole change in diagnosis. The fear is that the atypia goes and does something nasty to me. The upshot is that I don't have BCG treatments and that so far the BCG treatment has done its job.

I'm sort of free again but a bit like a caged animal, they have opened the cage door and I'm not sure if I want to leave what I've known.

Trepidation, some fear, letting my guard down, being vulnerable, being "normal" again. I reckon I could keep a shrink employed for 6 months on this lot!! :-)

I think I ought to just go off for a holiday and relax and get my head together.

Calls from NZ and coming to terms with things

My Cousins in NZ called - that was nice. They are due over here later this year and it will be good to see them - it must have been 6 years or so since they were here last. We never did get out to NZ ourselves. Certainly not the last three years with my little run in with the big C.

I need to sort out when I am around as my calendar is crazy at the moment - I must remember to get that sorted tomorrow and e-mailed off.

Today has been crazy but I got the accounts sorted partly - certainly got them so that the money is banked and squared away. I need to sit down and do the accounts properly - probably next week if I can. It takes a good few hours to make sure everything is accounted for and in its right place.

I'm feeling a little better every day and perking up a bit more. It has taken a while to sink in that I don't need the treatment. The niggle and worry is that it comes back. I know that isn't a positive way of thinking but it is realistic. I don't knowingly do anything to warrant bringing the Cancer back but I need to be mindful that it can return. I now have to step up my efforts to get fitter and to spend some time returning to my correct weight and if I can to fit in the exercise and fitness regimes.

I'm desperate to hand off more work to others like the Egg Hunt and other things I regularly organise as I feel I am not providing anything new or fresh - in the case of the Egg Hunt I've done that for 14 years this year - I can hardly believe it but there it is. I'm seeing a lot further than the next few months and next year all of a sudden - which is good. Shall I go full time at the charity? Maybe get back to what I used to do before I got ill? Perhaps finally go and do my family history business? Suddenly, with the good news, everything is back on the table for discussion and for negotiation.

Being free of the treatment means getting some sort of control over your life back and getting that control back certainly means that you finally feel as if you can see into the future a bit better. I can look forward at least 10 years now and I haven't really done that for a long time as I have been concentrating on getting to the next stage in the treatment and recovery.

I suppose June will be another Judgement day but by then, it would be 2 years (or more) if it is clear and that must be a huge hurdle to clear. The longer I go clear, the better the chances of seeing this off and being free of the sword of Damocles hanging over me.

Yes - writing this I do feel different and I do feel positive and whilst there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind, I am able to look forward with some confidence once again.

They haven't seen a really full on me at this place of work - I imagine when they do see me properly recovered they'll wonder what on earth has hit them.

Step aside world, I could be back very soon :-) Blimey, I hope they are ready for it - And I hope I am ready for it too!