Nice to know

Everyone is still asking after me. Bad news is that a friend's father has less than two weeks to live. Brain Tumour and not operable. He is beyond the point of caring and now everyone else has to endure the time that he is hanging on. Don't take that the wrong way. I would hate that my family or friends should suffer. I want my family to remember me as I am now - not some drugged up, incoherent person in a Hospital room. NOW I feel for the family more than anything. Now it becomes personal and spiteful and cruel. Life IS like that I suppose. You'd rather remember people in a certain way and it isn't always possible.


I'd rather go by saying goodnight to my friends and just not being there next day. Remember me for what I was - I'd hate to become a burden or to leave a sad memory for anyone. Sometimes it is better that it just happens, everyone is shocked and then they get over it and move on.


I was not allowed to see my Grandfather in his last days - I was probably just turning 17 I think and I did go and see him when I was in London and not working. I was steered away from his last days. I loved him dearly and I could see the pain in his eyes when I went to see him and he couldn't talk or I didn't understand what he was trying to say to me.


I don't blame my parents for that at all - I remember him as a lovely, funny and mischievous Grandfather and that is fine. I can only NOW begin to understand the pain of that decision on him to no longer see his grandchildren but - what a courageous thing to do, it is some sacrifice, as you don't want other people to see you in that sort of pain. Having seen it since, it doesn't help seeing someone you like, love or admire at death's door and moving up a seat each moment in God's waiting room.


So I feel for my friend. His father is an inspiration to him and this is just terrible as at the same time we were talking about my good news and it just brought it home to me. He was really pleased about my news and I was saddened by his. Life has some cruel twists sometimes.