Hot work

Exercising in this weather is hot work and I have a fan blowing on me all the time - it sort of helps.  I've been doing 30 minutes a day around about 5 pm every day it finishes off my work day, let's me have a bit of chill out time and vent if I need to.  I tackle my workout using a pre programmed range on the Cross Trainer and I've also been doing these little short exhausting bursts of effort three or four times each session.  It absolutely puffs me out but that is exactly what it is meant to do.  apparently that burst sets off all sorts of good thing in your body.  I have no idea about that I just feel absolutely knackered and it makes the sweat pour off me.  No bad thing either.

I have ordered some sweat bands from eBay which I hope will arrive a little later this week - some cheap and cheerful ones that can be throw away when they invariably get tatty.

It was good to that Steve K in the USA has managed to lose a further pound this week.  I didn't move but was a bit worried I'd put it all back on again.  That may happen this week with Hotel food to look forward to.

Mrs. F. returned from a shopping trip today to say how easy it is to feed me these days.  Here was my bag of fruit, my bag of salad, my sardines, mackerel and pilchards, cottage cheese and crisp bread and soup.   The fruit includes figs and also some dried figs (I love these and no one else in the house does).  I've got walnuts for my salad and low calorie mayonnaise and salad cream (again only I like that).  I have tomato juice - yes you've guessed it only I like that too.  I caught myself needing a snack the other day - a stick of celery.  Suddenly it doesn't seem so bad eating all this stuff that was unappealing only a few weeks ago.  I enjoy the time it takes to prepare a salad and the time it takes to eat one.  The amount of fruit I eat these days is also far more than I ever did.  I can really feel the difference especially things like the exhaustion I used to get.  I still get tired but not anywhere like before, I feel good, my skin feels good and my blood pressure is down and all of this through investing about an hour a day in warming up and cooling down and of course exercising in between plus eating a lot healthier than I've ever eaten before.

Well I'm off for a shower now having cooled down sufficiently, taken and recorded my blood pressure and written this little missive. 

It's Hot Again

Phew - there's a lot to be said for air conditioned offices.  Unfortunately my office can only appear cool through the use of reciprocating fans (air blowers).  I'm stuck in my office and wondering if I'm going to last out for the remainder of the morning or go and work downstairs which is surprisingly cool.  The Front Room has always been so much cooler than anywhere else in the house.  It is north facing and shaded by the massive tree out front.  With wooden flooring it is just a few degrees cooler than anywhere else.

I'll see how I get on.  I was pleased that I didn't put on any weight last week - I reckon it may have been close but I've lost all the drop off weight you tend to get immediately and am into the slow burn it off process.  A little every week is good.   It looks as Mrs. F. has managed to book us a Hotel for my birthday which will be a nice change.   I think because the Goodwood Festival is on we couldn't get anywhere along the Sussex coast.  Instead we are staying relatively local and going down to the Cinque Port of Hythe.  I've not been there since I was a kid and did things like drive down there on a Saturday night with my mates for a beer and a game of darts!!!  Crazy - but then petrol was cheap in those days.

It is quite near Romney and Dungeness so we can get out and explore a bit - it should be fun.  My birthday isn't until the Sunday but that isn't a problem - it will be nice to chill out a bit.  At the moment I am working all the time.  By that I mean my brain is working overtime and all it does is think about this new business and so it can sometimes mean that in the middle of the night I can wake up with an idea and have to get up and do something about it. 

I've been doing myself with my age too - I'll be 53 on  Sunday - I've been saying I was 53 for ages - on Sunday I'll be right!  Apparently where we are going has an excellent fish restaurant with locally caught fare so that will be interesting too.  I'm looking forward to a few days off - the way things are going I don't see us getting away unless the girls get their acts tocgether.

Was that on or behind the line

I have to say that - it was really, really close and after a look in slow motion I can confirm that I'm still not absolutely sure.  My scales look as if I've lost a couple of pounds but the needle is that thick and the line that thin that it is difficult to say so I think that I ought to call it as no loss this week.  Still 232 Pounds.  I've managed to exercise every day this week and with the temperature reaching 30 Degrees C today it was a bit of a struggle.  

England are out of the World Cup - a pretty average showing and some schoolboy errors in their game.  If they played like they play their Premier League games here then perhaps things may have been different - a disallowed goal that was clearly in didn't help the medicine go down but, there you have it, once more we are disappointed but will we never learn?  

This week I have another one of those lunch time appointments but I've ordered a half decent meal - I just need to ensure that I don't drink too many beers either side of the lunch!

Feeling quite good about things at the moment, that will probably change this time next week as I start to stare down the gun that is my next operation on the 16th July with the pre-assessment on the 7th July.  At least I might get away for my birthday next weekend.  It will be curious actually going to a Hotel on the 2nd July given that 4 years ago, on the 2nd of July, I went to a Hotel and all of this kicked off.  Oh yes, and England lost in the World Cup that day too.  How can I forget :-)

Adieu

Saturday not as bad as it could have been

I picked up A from the station last night and packed L off to camp this morning, managed to clean up the kitchen changing it from war zone to habitable just to see it turned back by ravenous young adults at breakfast time.  A is getting ready to go to her friends and then fly off to Zante (one of the Greek Islands) tomorrow, L will be back and then I need to get her to and from work tomorrow.  In between times there are 2 games in the World Cup, Wimbledon, Moto GP, Formula One and GP2 to fit into a tight weekend.

I'm actually trying to work in between times too which is funny.  We are at the stage in the new venture where we need to have a name and a way of defining and differentiating our service from others - but there aren't any others.  So the quandary is that it is so different from modern computing that you can't refer to modern computing and there is the problem we are having.  we might as well call it cheese or tarmac or something like that because it really is so far away and needs to be off the wall.  So I am sitting in the front room with my flip chart doing word association exercises.  Things are so bad that I was actually dreaming about it two nights ago and every time I woke up I would have to go and write down what I'd dreamt.

The air fair is in full swing and a huge refuelling aircraft has just flown overheard.  The day is punctuated by the roars of jets and the thump of WW2 propeller crafts but they are just out of sight.  All day people have been walking past with collapsible chairs and bags going up to the heights past the Church to watch for free.

The USA play today and we play tomorrow in the World Cup.  Steve K and I are a couple of weeks into our trying to be fit and losing weight regimes.  I definitely feel like I've put weight on this week through two nights out and having a few beers on Tuesday lunchtime as well.   I'll check tomorrow evening and see what the score is.  I am really pleased though with my blood pressure which has tumbled down after doing 30 minutes a day on my cross trainer.  That is excellent and together with a few tips I picked up about doing some short burn out sessions during the exercises I hope to get a little more out of that in the long run.  

There is a long way to go and I need to drop a couple of stone - 28lbs at least to make me feel anywhere near where I was a couple of years ago.  If I can go lower than that I will be delighted.  I've now managed to get into a routine especially with food and how and what I eat and when.  I just have to continue eating the way I am and exercising and the weight will come off but gradually, no crash dieting - it doesn't work.  The first loss must be down to the introduction of a new diet and that initial loss of weight you always get on a diet and with exercise.  From now on I expect slow, steady progress. 

I also need to remember that I am in Hospital in a few weeks which will mess up my routine.  Last time I exercised after biopsies I managed to make myself bleed badly so I will probably have to take it easy for a week or two afterwards.

Funny Experience

I was doing my exercise which as readers of Steve K's blog know "Really Sucks!" and believe me it does.  Then I heard myself muttering as I was getting to the last bit of the three hills programme I tend to use and really giving it some effort, sweating like you wouldn't believe I heard myself saying things like "take that cancer", "you're not beating me" "I can keep this going" and so on.

Suddenly I realise I've got more than one reason to put myself through these agonies every day - losing weight is definitely on the cards but beating cancer is even more important too.  Diet, exercise, taking away carcinogens as much as possible and just fighting back make you feel good about this.  

I'm quite surprised that I was putting quite so much aggression into the exercises but there you go let's hope it does the trick.  It has already brought my blood pressure crashing down into reasonable territory so perhaps it will benefit me in many other ways too.  Here's hoping because no matter what, exercise really does suck :-) 

End of the week

I haven't accomplished as much as I wanted to this week.  I had two nice evenings out.  The curry was good last night and in the BBC news today Bromley, a few miles from here, was named as the Curry Capital in the UK and we were at my local curry house and as usual they did a fine job and the food was excellent.  

Exercise, every day so far and made certain that I did 30 minutes each time even on the days when I was out.  Mrs. F. is away this weekend, A returns from Scotland and then flies off to Zante, L goes to camp tomorrow where Mrs. F. is helping the 100 year celebration of the local Guides.  Just to keep me on my toes, it is the Biggin Hill Air fair. That means we will be virtually blocked in here in the village as they make things one way for the traffic management.  The trouble with that is that I have to get out just as they fair ends to collect L from work.  Maybe I will leave early and just wander around and wait for her.

I'm feeling good and relatively fit.  My stomach has grown a lot slimmer but I'm not sure that I've lost any weight though.  With two evenings out I doubt that all the good stuff I have eaten here at home, may all be to keep me standing still.

Big Day for England and the USA

And the for the football teams too.  I'm off to London to meet up with the old work crew.  My day meeting got cancelled so it is just a social.  Heaven knows what that will do to my weight as we will be having a few to drink.  I've been exercising each day, doing 30 minutes with a three peaks setting on my XTrainer.  It is getting back into a routine that is important and I've managed to sort that out.  Today I will probably try and exercise straight after lunch and then get showered and head on up to London.  

The match is on mid afternoon and no doubt there will be fans milling around at all the pubs in London.  Not my favourite but let's see how bad they can get between 3 in the afternoon and going home time.  Unfortunately for me I also have a Curry evening booked for tomorrow and so I think my diet is right out the window this week.

I hope for further victories for the USA and England - and let's hope that our teams will also follow our lead!

And at the Weigh In tonight the contender scaled

16 stone and 8lbs which is Llbs = 232 pounds which I was surprised at I expected no change or a slight increase.

I can only put it down to the stepping up of my exercise and the way I am eating at the moment.   I'm really pleased and my stomach is visibly smaller and I feel "tightened up" if there can be such a thing.  My trousers are beginning to feel lose so I can tell something is happening and as I said yesterday my skin feels better I guess because of increased circulation.   My blood pressure is dropping too - so all is going the right way and it is encouragement for me to see it and to record it.  My word though 129 over 81 is brilliant for me....  Cool.

I'm off for a shower now and some R&R as it is Sunday.  Tomorrow I have a full on day as I record all the stuff we did last week at Boot Camp.  Fun, fun fun. 

Strangely

I have felt a lot better these past few weeks and my skin feels totally different and I can feel weight coming off and muscles tightening up as I continue to exercise and my diet takes on a habit rather than being a novelty.  I tend to have a lot of salads now and I'm enjoying them as I make them with some little twists to the recipe.  I'm doing 30 minutes of exercise a day and hit the 7kM mark on the XTrainer today.  I'm exercising late in the afternoon after having done a days work which means that I am actually stopping myself being slouched over my desk and I get on and do a good 30 minute work out.  I've been doing three peaks in 30 minutes which is pretty strenuous.

In the world cup today the USA did brilliantly to come back from a 2:0 score to even the match.  England were utterly dire and had no zing or anything else going about them.  Perhaps a stick of dynamite up their backsides may have made them wake up.  It was utter rubbish and so I headed over to the DVD player and watched a film.

I fear thought that the England and USA performances may reflect on this week's tally of how Steve K and I are doing in our "gentleman's bet" on weight loss over the next 6 months or so.  Last week I did manage a flying start to the campaign but I think that is similar in every start of eating properly and exercising - I managed to lose 4 lbs which wasn't bad.  After 3 days in a Hotel this week, despite being a good boy and choosing proper food, I have to admit to having a few beers and tomorrow we are off to a barbecue.  I feel that the USA may indeed make a fighting come back this week.  We will find out on Monday. 

Health is one of those things that we just take for granted.  In a few weeks time it will be 4 years - YES - 4 years since I first realised that something was very wrong indeed.  About this time, 4 years ago, there had been one surprised moment when a small amount of blood came out when I urinated (I thought I had strained myself carrying a very heavy sanding machine up and down the stairs).  There were a couple of odd spots that appeared but nothing that made me ready for the sight that befell my eyes on the 2nd of July 2006.   The world cup was on then as it is now and David Beckham was captain of England.  We were playing Portugal and Wayne Rooney got sent off and we lost the game.  I was in a bit of a mess.  I arrived at my Hotel as the game started and went to the toilet.  I had been in the car for a good 4 hours I guess.  I had a full stream of blood coloured urine.  It was the most unearthly thing I had ever seen.  

I went to the shops and bought some cigars - I'd given up for a long time but needed something to calm me down.   I bought lots of different bottled drinks and water and tried in vain to drink them to stop the bleeding.  I went to the restaurant, had more drinks but nothing helped.  I remember ringing my wife in quite a state and explaining what had happened.  I had to do three days work and planned coming home on the Thursday and so an Appointment was made for me to see the doctor on Friday.  The rest is history (see beginning of this blog).  So the world cup means a different thing to me as it will always coincide with my finding out that I had bladder cancer, something that wasn't fully diagnosed until the 21st July almost three weeks later.

My how things move on.  I'm still here - Hurrah!!!!  I intend to be here in another 4 years too and in 4 years after that.  I wont push my maker with any more than that - I'm sure I've pushed my favours in that respect as far as the envelope will go.  I reflect and know that I'm still happy with my lot and privileged to be here. 

Back to exercises

30 minutes worth this evening which went OK - I've ramped up another 10 minutes and it seemed to go fine.  Based on this I reckon I could do 40 minutes if needed but I'll see how I get on.  I managed to eat very little today which I was quite pleased with too.  I hope that I'll see some further improvement over time in weight and in my shape.

I've just spent another 30 minutes messing around with network problems and router issues.  Conflicting IP addresses and a wire which had fallen out all make for an annoying end to the day.  I need to go and get into bed and calm down.  It makes me really angry that everyone has had issues all night but no one has told me until I found out for myself.  When I start doing something everyone says its been like that for hours!!!  I'm at a loss as to why no one tells me these things in the first place.  I could have cured it straight off if Ii'd had the facts in the first place.

Just another thing that is sent to try me..

Technology makes

My life slower.  The internet is running like a dog this morning - the router is intermittent, the major PC of the house is on a go slow and I'm beginning to lose patience with the whole thing.  It is beautiful and sunny outside and perhaps I might just take a walk out if the situation doesn't improve.

I certainly need to do some exercise.  Whilst I probably burnt off lots of calories in nervous energy I put most of that back on with the couple of beers I had and the food I ate, even if I was concious of what I was eating.

We have a lot of work to do in the next 6 months and I'm taking in just how much of that is on my shoulders as the operational "expert".  We have a good team but one that isn't full time or one that cannot actually spend more than the odd day here or there.  We are going to find it hard going I think unless I can find an interim financier.  But that is the excitement of the whole enterprise and part of the reason for doing it. 

I need to keep focussed on being well and fit as I will need to be that to put this much effort in over the 6 month run.  I like it that people think we are "brave" to give up our day jobs to try this out but if we didn't take this journey then we will never know if we could have achieved it or not.  Both of us are cancer survivors and have a different view about the life we now have bequeathed to us.  That too makes the journey important.

I am Shattered

Having battled with the M25 (London orbital motorway) or as we know it locally - "the Car Park" I arrived on Monday to a lovely hotel in the Surrey countryside and we have just finished three days of the most intensive sort of work - we called it "boot Camp" and it feels like it.  I am going to retire after a not too bad journey home.  

I#ve been pretty good with my eating but we have mostly sat around this week and so Ii don't expect that I've lost any weight - in fact I expect to have put a bit on.  A barbecue beckons on Saturday which I may try and escape from if Ii can....

My head is definitely spinning away so I need to get some shut eye and I've agreed not to do any of this work until the weekend just so we can "come down" from the intensive workshops we have been doing giving us all a chance to calm down..  It is all good stuff but amazingly challenging and at the same time really exciting.  

Well here I go

Off for a few days now to get cracking on some business ideas at our "Boot Camp".  We have a Hotel for 3 days to thrash out our business plans and to try and focus on what we need to do in the next 6 months.

I'm quite excited by the prospect and this should get us charged up and ready to go for sure.  The odd bit of work I am doing for the charity is a bit - well - distracting and so I hope this will give me the direction and the focus I require.

I might get to blog whilst I am away - if not - I'll be back on Wednesday evening and will add something then.

Weight

Just broke off from the Germany Australia game to measure myself and I'm surprised that I weigh 16 stone and 10 pounds.  Which is a lot less than I expected.  So that's 234 pounds.  I say I'm surprised because I've been out a couple of times this week.  However, I have been very good on eating and exercise so perhaps that accounts for it.

That's the end of an era

Last meeting as Secretary - had many plaudits and was made a fuss over.  Mind you it wasn't helped by a very nice guy reporting on my health but not getting it quite right.  He made it sound like the tumour was still in me and that they were waiting for it to grow to whip it out in July.  Which of course is wrong and what is actually happening is that it is already gone and they are taking a peek and some more tests.

England versus US at Soccer today.  Mmmm 1 : 1 not great and we always make it difficult for ourselves. Of course it was England playing on 2nd July 2006 when I found out that things weren't right with me.  It is coming up to my 4th anniversary with that and suddenly it seems a distant memory.

Life is funny and it throws some strange stuff at you.  I have no idea what will happen to me in the next few months.  The new business venture, relationships with work colleagues at the place I've left and so many other things are happening I can hardly believe it.

Oh well - I'm sure they will all come out in the wash.  I must remember to publish my weight tomorrow.  It has taken a bit of a pounding this week and will next week as I am in a Hotel for 3 days!!

A bit slow today

Poor old chap I am.  Yesterday was full on and I managed to do about 12 hours work.  then I went to the wine bar!  That was OK apart from many raised eyebrows from people I knew - why?  Well I was sitting with one of my female colleagues and so everyone added 2 plus 2 and got to 7 or more for their answer!

Anyway, it was funny a little later on when someone bought us a bottle of wine (a whole bottle).  I told him that we were very grateful and that we would name our fist born child after him :-)  Well I thought it was funny anyway.  The trouble was that I really didn't want to drink that much wine and we were about to go home so it just caused me to drink more than I wanted and to get home late.  I do feel a little slow today consequently.

I see Microsoft is doing its usual trick and loading updates and getting me to reboot my machines it's all very well but I've hardly got anything done whilst I wait for one or other of them to settle down.

I need to get some exercise today too so perhaps I'll have a go at that before dinner.  I'm out tomorrow and I am preparing for that but it just seems to be taking for ever to get the PC to boot up again and to finish the work I started about 2 hours ago.  In the time taken to write this blog the PC has rebooted but none of the programmes are actually working at the moment - sometimes PCs are rubbish.

Got the exercise in

So I managed to get 20 minutes in tonight too. I'm walking a lot tomorrow so that will be my exercise for Thursday. I'm up to my eyeballs in work on Friday and over the weekend and then I'll be off for the three day new business workshop. I've finished off my actions and mailed them out. now I re-read them I see there are some typos in there but hey - that is Microsoft for you, this new office suite is horror and it reverts to different languages and changes things on the fly all the time. Worst days work I ever did was upgrading and in upgrading it has lost its speech to text dictation capability which I used to use. GGGgrrrrrr.

Off to bed early as I have a very long day tomorrow.

I'm feeling good but isn't it strange I can still feel the ache in the back of my hand where they stick the cannula every time I have an operation. Not long to wait now - a month today I have my pre assessment and in just 5 weeks my next operation....

Day 3

I did well today - kept to diet and I didn't go silly last night so was fine getting up this morning.  I feel a lot better than I normally do - I am guessing that the exercise has done that.  I missed out tonight on that but will have a chance to do some in a short while as I have finished my work for now.  It is amazing how much work you can clatter through when you are motivated.  Also though - I was out this morning - which slowed up progress.

Into London tomorrow for a big all day meeting where they want me to work late.  I can't believe it yet they have used loads of my time this last few days but I will bill them for it.

I feel like I have lost a bit of weight already which is good.  I can certainly feel it around my middle.

The major work starts next week on the business front.  I am really looking forward to getting going on Monday when we will thrash out the detailed plans. 

Day 2

Well - so far it has gone quite well. I'm out tonight for a few beers but managed to control myself at lunch time and breakfast these days consists of fruit and not much else. I bought myself a little fresh parmesan so I can flake it onto my salad with some sun dried tomatoes to go with it.

Another 20 minutes hard exercise using the 3 hills in 20 minutes not climb a mountain programme as I did yesterday. It has the desired effect of getting a sweat up and I actually felt quite good after it.

The truth being known I felt quite good this morning too which was great. I actually noticed that my skin felt different and I think this is one of those early signs that the blood is beginning to flow around a bit. I'm hoping to make sure that I try and exercise each day where I'm not getting out and about. If I can do this every day I reckon that will make me lose weight a lot quicker and feel better too.

The new venture stepped up a pace today yet again as my business partner and I thrashed out some more details. This time next week I imagine we will be very tired but really charged up about the business as we will be just over half way through our kick off workshops. There is a long way to go yet but the excitement mounts. At the moment we are both poised to get going but we let the brakes off next week :-)

Things are good at the moment.

Lifelites Promotional Film

This is Lifelites promotional video. It shows the work they do in children's hospices in the UK. For the past 2 years I've been lucky enough to work alongside the team at Lifelites and their work is fantastic - just watch this to see what they do.  

Exercise Sucks

Which is why you should wash your mouth out with chocolate!

I cannot remember where I saw that but it amused me. I've had a full on day and as the title may give away, I have just come off my Cross-Trainer after a 20 minute work out - somehow I chose the one which simulates going up a mountain but hey ho I still managed it but crawled for the last 2 minutes of the routine. I'm just cooling down now before hitting the shower.

This seems to be a reasonable way of setting my day up. I can get up early and get cracking for work and then at the end of the day can do a half an hour session and get ready for some dinner.

I've been really good today and eaten primarily fruit and salads with some oily fish slung on top of that. Tonight will again be a salad - and in the summer I don't mind those - with perhaps a little home cooked ham.

I'm out tomorrow at lunch and in the evening but I will just try and be sensible if I can. Beer and alcohol are high in carbs and if I can miss those out then I have a fighting chance of losing this weight. Mrs. F. says I look slimmer already around the waist which is where most of the excess weight is doing the opposite of hiding :-)

Oh well, Exercise Sucks but if it means I can fit back into my suits and clothes in a few months I will be pleased. Better still if I have to buy new :-)

The New Dawn

Well today I start the new job in anger.  Unlike many jobs though, I actually know what I am doing as I am my own boss.  I have a good head start.  All change, so work and I turn a corner today.  I really hope that I can lose weight and run this venture as well as maintaining a good balance between everything.

Exciting times!

Weight

Well here we go:

Tonight my weight is 238 pounds or 17 stones exactly.  That's dressed and in cotton socks :-)

I've decided to measure this weekly and see how I am getting along.  Steve in the US will also be tagging along too.  It isn't England versus the US - that happens later in South Africa at the World Cup - Soccer.  

I am also taking other measurements and my blood pressure to see if I can correlate the new diet with my exercises and relate that to general health and well being.

I also realise that next week will be a bit more of a challenge as I will be staying at a Hotel for 3 days!

Anyway, it all starts tomorrow - I hope to get off to a flying start with the new business and just hope the guys at the charity will not be asking me too many questions or asking too much of me.

Tired few days

I've been making sure everything goes smoothly this week and handed over my job to my successor.  Unfortunately there was more work to do and I ended up doing that Friday morning but I can bill that of course.  It just meant that I was pretty tired and just had so many things to do.

The village has a festival of music this weekend so we are going to that.  It is beautifully amateurish as they haven't even produced a flyer letting us know what is going on yet.  Doh!  It starts in a few hours so we will just wander up there and see what is to do.

Mrs. F. reckons that I've lost a couple of handles off of my waist these past few weeks.  I'm getting ready for the transatlantic weight loss challenge.  I will be regularly updating the blog on how I am doing.  I'm being pretty good about the food I eat and have managed to change over and not get too upset over not eating the quantities or types of food I used to have.  I am also going to have to watch out for beer drinking - I tend to enjoy a beer or two with my friends and I have 2 or 3 more meetings coming up that will seriously set back my weight loss plan.  After that though I imagine it will be a little easier to not drink as there aren't too many meetings happening again until September.

It should be fun I reckon.

New Venture Gets Ever Nearer

The excitement mounts as we spent today arranging the hotel and meeting room and the agenda and all its elements.   We had a productive day looking back at the work we have already done and were pretty satisfied that we have picked up quite a lot of the elements already undertaken.

The hotel is booked and as of next Monday I am on this almost full-time.  I have a bucket-load of work to do and just hope that I can get a good run at it to start things off with.   It is inevitable that there will be a few minor distractions but as long as I remain disciplined it should be OK.

What is amazing is just how much work there is to do still - we are talking many man months and we've already been at this a couple of years...  

Relief

Well it was as if Thursday night had never happened.  Thank goodness for that.  I managed to find a couple of occasions where we would be alone to chat if that was needed and nothing at all so I think I got away with it and it was just the wine talking.   That also makes sense over something else that was said too so all that brain work was for nothing but, it may have been different - you shoud always prepare and, as my colleague reminds me, you should always be living in the "now" as the past and future are not the place to be.

Deep stuff he comes out with - it messes with your head!!

Still home alone so happy enough.  A day of work tomorrow on the new venture and see how my replacement has managed when I get in Thursday.

A quiet household

It is nice to have some time to myself.  I don't mind it at all.  In fact I prefer it in some ways.  I can spend a lot of time resolving problems and getting myself sorted out for this week.

Tomorrow I hand over to my replacement and I start to ease out of the job.  Iin addition I will also try and find out quite what went on Thursday night and whether I need to worry or not.  All very intriguing and who knows what will happen.

Steve in the US has just come back from a wonderful road trip, you have to envy the space and countryside around where he lives - it is breathtaking scenery.   It makes me more determined than ever to get myself into a situation where I can see a little bit more of the states than Buffalo (from the Canadian side) and spending a few minutes in Seattle en route to Squamish Falls in Canada.  In a 'hands across the ocean' move we are going to publish our weight weekly on our blogs on a Monday.  It seems a good way to get some friendly rivalry on getting our respective weights somewhere back to normal.  It will give both of us a target to aim at and that can only be a good thing.   The dreaded exercise is heaving into view so I had better dust that off and work out what sort of routine I need to follow.  I think I will try and do an hour or so walk a day if I can too.

I'll be freed up from work this week and so we will start on 7th June and may the best man win by losing :-) 

Well this made me laugh

Bladder Alert funny HERE .  I had to do a recent document in Welsh for work and it is really strange to see your words and the Welsh side by side.  I think that this is just one of those quaint things we do in the UK that the world must love us for.  We also have great fun laughing at ourselves.  I hope you enjoy it.

Diet Smiet

Well it seems to be going OK and I'm now actually beginning to like rabbit food - official!!  As a colleague of mine says - he doesn't like any sort of food that takes more calories to chew than what you get out of it.   In a way - that is the point surely?

I'm slowly losing weight although I'm not measuring it.  I want to make sure that I've finished work before that starts so I can get into a new routine.

I feel healthy enough - I just wish I could lose all the weight tomorrow rather than over the next 6 months.....

Saturday

A wet Saturday and I've tidied up my office a bit more but I'm still trying to tackle A's problems on her PC Presentation.  I'm no MAC user so it could be that but her presentation is definitely suffering from lack of pictures.  As I write we have success - it appears that A forgot to actually put them into the presentation itself linking them somehow so they showed on her MAC but not my PC.

Other than that - not a great deal is happening at the moment.  I'm continuing on my veg and fruit mainly diet.  I'm feeling quite good about it and feel well but I haven't bothered to weigh myself or any of that sort of stuff at the moment.  I know that my trousers feel a bit looser and so as long that continues slowly then I will be happy.  If I can lose enough to get into Hospital feeling a little fitter than I am now I will be happy.

Mrs F and A & L are off to Cornwall on Monday returning Friday - that will be nice giving me a few days on my own.  I'm quite happy on my own and can use the time to get myself ready for the new business and the challenges ahead.

Disturbing

I'm still a little disturbed about Thursday night but I'm hoping that it will all be OK on Tuesday.  I am still surprised how my colleagues are reacting to me "going".  They really are a bit upset about it but they'll still see me from time to time.  

I think that I've brought order into the place and they may be worried that it is going.  Luckily for them they can get me back when they want - at rather good rates I think :-)

It is stupidly late again and I really ought to go to bed but my brain is just whizzing around again.   I'm getting quite excited about the new venture and in a few weeks we will be setting out to make things happen.  I've got my new white board and flip chart - I can't think without drawing.  I've got my micro cassettes for recording sessions and ideas and my office is almost becoming clear too.

I must not forget to complete the accounts for my Lodges as they all end on 31st May.  That means I had better get my finger out and resolve all the issues I've had with them these past 2 years.

Strange Evening

I had a surreal evening.  Is this where I say something like I had a surreal evening it happened yesterday lunchtime....

Maybe I should say that it was one of those evenings where something strange happened.  I can't say too much except that I think I was propositioned - which is very nice you may think.  However it was just strange as it came from out of absolutely nowhere and I'm really taken aback and a little confused to say the least.  I have the weekend and the Bank Holiday to think about but I have to go into work on Tuesday and see if anything has changed.

I could be reading a lot into it but as I was doing my usual trick when situations like this arise - I go into brain spin mode and analyse the thing many ways.  So right at this moment I've no idea if it was what I thought it was or one of the other 20 answers my head has devised.  In all likelihood it will be too much "wine talking" and be a nothing event.  I hope so, it could be damn embarrassing otherwise...

On my fruit and veg only kick today which should be fun.  I'm certainly feeling a bit better these days having kept away from my usual fare and I hardly had any bread this week.  Now to face up to the exercise regime :-)  As my esteemed co-blogger Steve in the US says "Exercise Sucks!" How true...

Stamina

It is a constant this tiredness and sudden weariness.  It is nowhere as near as bad as it was a year and two years ago but I still get times, like today, when after a days work I'm beginning to feel very tired.  

I am hoping that some exercising (I know no one likes it) will start to bring me around and my diet is beginning to pay off - I can feel clothes fitting a little more loosely than they did two weeks ago so that is good.  I don't do all this weighing and measuring every few days as it doesn't really achieve anything.

Work tomorrow and Thursday and then I'm off until Tuesday when my replacement starts.  A couple of days work with him and I will be able to edge out and into this new venture.  Even doing today's meeting and going through some of the detail of what we will be getting up to once we kick off the business was a charge but obviously not enough to keep me awake in the early evening. :-)

Can I help you?

I was out with Flocky tonight for a beer and a curry - I enjoy his company and he is one of very few people that know me on the blog and personally. Perhaps only GH knows me as well as Flocky does but I meet Flocky a lot more and we have some really interesting, deep and personal conversations.

Tonight we chewed over the fact that we have a mutual friend who just wont let us in. We only get to see part of him, the part he wants us to see. His wife and children are not known by their real names and work, social and personal are separate things that never mingle. Because we aren't that near we can't actually be friends in terms of advice for fear of breaking the friendship rules or stepping over the mark and be seen as being critical when we actually mean to be helpful. I was out with him on Friday and just couldn't get beyond the persona that he projected.

On an entirely different note I still find it incredible that people think of me as some sort of role model in the cancer fight. I still maintain I'm not special excepting that I really think I have a privileged insight to the workings of the human mind when confronted with such a dangerous disease. Also, of course, the opposite being true that I cannot understand all the dross that goes on in the world, all the angst and petty nonsense that the TV shows us of the plastic lives of the minor lower class of notorietied class. Who are these so called "celebrities" and why is everyone so fixated on these low achievers who think they have some great message to tell us all. Every time one of them opens their mouths they spout some sort of insipid drivel and hollow observation of why they aren't getting the breaks that some other botoxed out bimbo is.

Is our world so f****** stupid as to encourage and allow these shallow impressions of humanity to enter our lives and even to try and influence our thoughts and actions? judging from the dregs of humanity that were in the pub today with their loud phones, cackling, squawking witch like laughs, their total lack of anything interesting to say except 'init' which seemed to be the most used phase of the day and their lack of dress sense which showed their tattoos off in such a bad light I begin to fear for society.

Mind you - it might just be me - perhaps I am now turning into my parents!!! Or have turned into the person they warned me about when I was little!

A Scorcher and I'm Indoors

Doh!

I was about to work on my stuff but needed to bring forward some work for the charity and deliver it a few days early so I ended up doing that rather than my own work. Oh well, no problems at least I can invoice them without feeling bad.

It is boiling hot outside and so we got the fans down and have those pushing hot air around my office. Air Con would be nice - maybe if I find it too hot I'll do that.

So back to health and all that stuff. I am quite pleased that I am sticking to my diet although I am still a bit shy of getting on my exercise cross trainer. I need to face up to that sooner rather than later. Well I'll soon have no excuse as I will be home and so should fit that or some heavy waking into my routine. Maybe I'll do a two or three mile walk every day in the lovely countryside around here. That way I'd get some fresh air to start my day and I could also go down via the shops and pick up fresh stuff each day! There's an idea.

Flocky is popping over on his way home from work and we are going to do some paperwork then go for a diet busting beer and a curry - oh well all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Black Humour

I'm a bit "bad" at this sort of humour.  I've had a great day today and really burnt up loads of documents and ripped through lots of reading material.  Sat outside most of the day and then I was talking with Mrs. F. about life the universe and all that good stuff.  Well actually about the new venture.  Now she isn't convinced but realised that if I didn't go and do this then I'd probably implode or explode such is the nature of the person I am.  It isn't my fault (honest).

So I explain that the issues are really about getting major finance and that the odds are 98 to 2 against.  In other words I stand a 2 in 100 chance of getting the finance I need to make things happen and if I don't get them - well - I just have to go and do something else.  At the moment, failure is not an option.  A bit like my University course a while back.  None of us could have predicted how ill I was going to be and that I'd lose so much time that I could not carry on.

So back to the black humour.  I said that I reckoned that we would either be really enjoying life this time in two years time - either that or I'd be hanging on being really ill about to die.  Now - Mrs. F. and I found that funny as she reckons I'd do that just to spite her.  Absolutely right!  

A lovely day

A blazing sunny day, really warm up in the top 20 degrees C that is.  I'm under the Parasol working away on my PC and notes for the new venture.  It feels like cheating - surely I should be doing this indoors and sweating over my desk?  Of course not it is almost decadent.  Additionally a nice bottle of Cava is chilling in the Fridge.

A week of eating salads and being good on my diet and I can actually feel different as I'm almost vegetarian at the moment with all the salad stuff I am having.  Breakfast was tomatoes, Mushrooms and Bean sprouts :-) quite yummy actually and less than a 100 calories I reckon.

I actually feel slightly thinner and feel a little better in myself which is great.  I am begining to get excited about getting on with the new venture and I have my last day at the Office on the 3rd June as a full-time consultant and I now go on 4 days a month based at home and the office as required.  Interestingly I have to go back in on the 10th June to run a workshop which I will be involved with for much of the summer.  I need to work on the messages to suppliers, Provinces and staff.  It is a strange situation and basically I need to get over that I'm not leaving but I'm also not doing what I used to as my replacement will need to pick that up and run with it.  I'm sure he will pick it up easily as he is a quick witted and intelligent guy.

Oh well back to this lovely summers day and brain dumping all my business ideas onto paper and onto the PC.  It's a hard job but someone has to do it.

Just how serious is it?

Tonight they read out a bit about me and how things were "a little disappointing and a set back".

Isn't it funny that many were just "amazed" at my temperament and good humour and that I was always smiling and laughing and joking.   Which got me thinking about whether or not I was actually treating this seriously?  Most people were treating me with reverential awe tonight and suddenly I got to be thinking - "Am I treating this seriously enough?"

You see I don't think that this is a death sentence or that it I;m being heroic or any other thing really.  I'm getting on with my life and accepting that it wont be the same again (I'm not really accepting it easily but I have to pragmatically realise that it is).

I'm being a little shining beacon and I suppose when you look at the other members of the Lodge who had Cancer and died quickly then I'm the exception.  I want to scream out to everyone that this is more likely the case these days.  Am I smiling and cheerful because I don't understand how serious this is?  Well what do you think?

I'm doing this because it is more likely today if you catch these things early that you will survive.  You know - I may end up having some significant surgery but because they found this early I have the option.   Many people, afraid to ask their doctor paid a higher price than the loss of an organ or some other radical work.

I think that I will always portray the outward message that Cancer is a huge threat but you can overcome much of it.  I like to think that a wimp like me can give someone who is really having a hard time with cancer the right sort of hope.   It is almost 4 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still here.  I intend to be here in 5, 10 and 15 years too.  I'm not counting too much after that as I do admit that I abused my body in my youth.  I still advise anyone I meet to ask of themselves whether a job is really worth burning yourself out for and in the long term harming your health.  But then again, when I was 19 I knew better than everyone else.  I think it is a pretty harsh lesson to come to terms with later in life when you suddenly realise you are mortal.

I feel humbled that people believe that I am somehow special or brave.  I can show you far braver people than me.  I can show you courage - just see our service men and women abroad and the high costs they pay for our freedom.  No, I'm not brave but I do believe in standing up and being an example that I will not kowtow to this pernicious disease and that I will not give up the fight to be well again and to live as long as I can.

I saw some petty stupid squabbling tonight - nothing that made any sense at all, people getting mad over nothing.  Guys - get real, no one died, life's too short, all this stress and agony over nothing.  What on earth is wrong with human kind if trivia is worth getting upset about.  Obviously one person didn't learn from the words that were said about me.  Life is important, charity, truth and balance.  Time for each other and a healthy respect for all our cultures and beliefs but don't get all humpty over what you thought you heard or some other such infantile nonsense.  Grow up!  

I should get my magic wand out - I want to change the world but no one seems to want to change with me.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Gets off soap box and goes to bed :-)

Work today

Was strange.  I am pulling away from work but had shed loads to do.  I managed most of it but as usual there are always those last minute things to do.  I had to tell the boss that I hadn't done something he wanted but his instructions were quite woolly and so he can talk to the designers himself.  the big job got signed off and hopefully we will see some samples as the new guy starts.

I've agreed my exit strategy with the boss too.  Amazingly I managed to somehow screw up my diary for the next few weeks.  I will set too tomorrow and sort this out.  In reality it means that in 2 weeks time I can exit pretty much and hand over most of what I am doing excluding some strategy stuff.  That will allow me to do some work with the new guy and to start to set out my strategy workshops and positioning documents.

Work continues on the new opportunity and we are setting up a set of away days to do our boot camp and thrash out many of the issues on the company and what we plan to do.  If you happen to have a few million spare - let me know :-)  It is all getting pace and momentum behind it and the excitement is building.

Making a start

At last I made some big inroads into getting myself organised and sorted out.  I even managed to write a couple of positioning papers for the business. Funnily enough the urgent job of yesterday fell onto a designer who wasn't at work today so that was funny.  Everyone panicking about whether things would get done when in fact no one was there to do them and as predicted, I kind of hinted they shouldn't leave it to the last minute.

In to the office tomorrow for a thrash at the outstanding work I have to do.  I hope that I will get the opportunity to complete most of it and just get on there after.  I am not around there on Friday but may need to do a few days more next week.  I must clear my office and desk etc ready for the new guy too.

Which part of

I am not going to be around today did they not get?

Typical - I explain that I am away all day and that I'm only coming in one day this week.  So they send me an email with urgent actions on it.  I've just seen it and can't do much with it until tomorrow.  I can't believe it - after having it for weeks they now want to make wholesale changes.  I'm happy for them to do that but I can't do it for them - I've been working all day long on my new venture and I'm charged now.  I'm only looking to be in for the odd day here and there.   I think I will have to make sure that they realise that.

We've had a brilliant day today and this evening I must have done 6 or 7 hours non stop on business planning.  I hope I can get to sleep tonight my brain is going wizzzzz right now :-)

I'm gradually changing my diet - I actually like soups and salads and the like so the rabbit food seems to be alright.  It is now time to tackle exercise and how I will incorporate that into my life in the future.  I walked perhaps 3 miles a day normally so maybe I will have an early morning walk every day and if it is raining use my cross trainer.  I need to get out of what I am trying to do at the moment though as it is just crazy trying to do two things at once.

The Simple Life

It would be good to have that early years view of life.  everything was simple and nothing was like it is when you are older.  All the many things happening at once and all the baggage you collect along the way. 

My life has always been complicated but at the moment so much is happening that I find it difficult to disentangle myself from my present job to get on with my new one.  I force myself not to go to work and that is fine.  It makes it difficult to withdraw from the job when they (and I) suddenly realise how much I am woven into the organisation.  I had not realised that I was relied on quite so deeply.  

Tomorrow I have a further meeting with my business partner and gradually it dawns on me that we have come along way with this project since it was kicked into life in 2007.  Back then I was only reviewing the documents as a peer but later I produced much of the operational and financial documentation and some of the business plan.  Now we see that documented we can begin to move forward with a bit more confidence.

Not long now - 2nd and 3rd week in June we should get a march on and get the business rolling.  Goodness knows we have done enough work already and then I hope I can be free of the charity work for a while to let me run up to July and my operation and whatever that holds for me.

Holidays - no one has made up their minds and this volcanic ash cloud keeps the threat of dealyas and cancellations.  A has a holiday booked in June so I hope it doesn't affect her plans.  I wait to see whether we will have a holiday or not this year.  As luck would have it my replacement arrives in the week that Mrs. F. and the girls are going away - I should have been with them - but have to hand over my job to my successor and that I have a series of meetings planned.  Typical!!  Mind you I did ask them months ago to give me the dates and they only gave them to me last week so that may be the problem.  A week on my own won't be too sad though - I quite like spending a bit of time on my own.

Melancholy

That is what it is Melancholy.  I feel very much that at the moment.  I say that as someone reported on my health to our Lodge yesterday and it suddenly made me sit up and listen to how other people receive, perceive, interpret and pass on that information.  It was pretty accurate in terms of what was going on and it was interesting to hear the words "set back" and "not as serious as first thought" and so on but at the end of the day, it did set me back and inevitably I am now getting the blues about it.

Everything is changing and I found out that I'm not the happy chappy I like to think I am just before I go into Hospital.  I thought I kept myself to myself but obviously I become a bit of a snappy chappy not a happy chappy....  I'd better watch out for that in the future I suppose.

Inevitably though - I'm reminded that I've got this thing that may or may not bring back cancer to my bladder and that is very disturbing indeed.  July will sort that out I suppose and I'll just have to get on with whatever comes about from that.  

So for the moment with leaving work behind and all that jazz and then starting my new business everything is a bit up and down.  

Better this morning

Thank goodness.  Blimey I got to near my 50s and my body has decided to fall apart on me :-)

Crazy stuff, a cut just on the entry to my ear is what it is.  I have no idea how I did it perhaps a fingernail but whatever it isn't inner ear but obviously was enough trauma to affect my balance.

Anyway - Lodge meeting today - then almost the Summer off.  Another meeting coming up later in the week followed by my last big meeting as Secretary in 4 weeks time.  Today I get to see one of my candidates complete his journey and I do a bit of work and provide the other one with his certificate. 

The stupid bank that I am a signatory for thinks I am a new customer - even though I've banked with them for in excess of 10 years their records don't show me.  What?????  Bunch of useless pratts no wonder the world went into melt down if they've been honouring the cheques I have been signing for 10 years but don't recognise me in their records.  You couldn't make it up.  So I've sent one of "my letters" which points out how many accounts I have with them, how many times I've been in to branch and that they might like to open the file up to see who I might be.  Ridiculous waste of time and effort.  Is it me or the word full of people who take no responsibility and have no common sense whatsoever.  They should be slapped hard until they come to their senses god for nothing jobs-worths.  

I'm still not happy about my letter from the Hospital - it paints dark clouds for me.  Maybe it is just the way that it is there in black and white so you can't get away from what is says?  I need to get my head around it pretty damn quickly though and move on.

Dizzy, I'm so Dizzy

My head is spindling, etc etc etc.  Enough of the 60s songs.

Well, what a strange day - I feel quite light headed and ever so slightly off balance (my friends know I'm out of balance most of the time anyway).  No more ear bleeding thank goodness.  I'd quite forgotten how it feels when your ears start playing up.  It's like having a mild form of seasickness all the time.

Off to bed to see if I can get a good night's rest.

Oh no what's happening now?

Was at a meeting in London - all the great and good were there - I am an honoured guest and suddenly, I put my gloved hand to my ear and as I pull it away it is bright red with blood from my ear!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHH !!!! What is that I wonder.  So smack in the middle of the meeting I have to make tracks and take myself to the first aid man to get some bandages etc.  I've got an ear bleed like you'd have a nose bleed.  It is flowing out nicely for about an hour and then as fast as it started it stops?  What a nightmare.  I look a right idiot having to get up in the meeting.  Those local to me see my red blood stained gloves and recognise that something is awry.  Word spreads but goodness me what on earth just happened?  I've had ear problems all my life but never had an ear bleed.  Yuk...

My mate who has been giving me grief for weeks if not months has a job to go to next week.  It is hard work but I know he will do well at it.  Does this mean that Flcoky and I will get an easier time?  I hope so.

I have my detailed letter from the Hospital and it doesn't make god reading to me but it states I have a small recurrence which is a G2pTa.  Where before I had a G3pTa bladder TCC and CIS.  The worry is "If he continues to get recurrences he may require some more invasive treatment in the future".  Oh bollocks.... We did discuss this.  

Here I am back to the months after I started the first time.  Today's episode just shows what bad shape I am in.  I'm mortified for the moment and need to come to terms with it once again.  When it is in writing it just looks so much worse than what I thought it was and what it probably is!

Bad news is - at this moment - I'm really quite down about it and that is just because I've had a good evening and  arrived to find this here.

Ha somebody doesn't get that I'm leaving the organisation

So funny.  I  asked for input to a document and got a load of old tosh back that I'd already condemned.  I am going to have a bit of fun and ask them to rework it and that when I get back next week it had better be ready....

I have had a busy day clearing the files and getting things finished and for the last time have sat here and stuffed well over 130 envelopes with Summons, dining slips, minutes, notices and all that gumpf plus sealed them, written letters, affixed stamps, emailed hundreds of others and so on.

That is about the end of it now and I retire as Secretary at the June meeting and can at last relax and enjoy myself and not have hours of sorting stuff out.  Six years is enough and of course for 4 of them I wasn't particularly well either.

I'm trying to sort out my diary so as not to be in the office too much at all between now and when the new guy starts.  I also need to set a reasonable rate to ensure that I am used sparingly and not used too much because it is cheap to do so.  I can bring that in to play when I have given the new guy a couple of days handover in June.

The new venture is starting to gain pace as we head towards what we are calling 'boot camp' where we intend to spend about three days locked away to develop our business strategy and go to market models.  We have two years of work behind us already that we need to review before then.  

I'm feeling very positive about things at the moment and slowly the diet is changing and I feel that I am also beginning to spend the right levels of energy on things now.  I just need to get some discipline into my working to ensure that I actually start aligning effort and achievement.  Most important. 

Work followed by a meeting tomorrow up in London.  London is fun at the moment as there are hundreds of elephants everywhere.  The one in Coutts Bank is covered in pearls and jewels and they are on the South Bank, Covent Garden and just about anywhere you care to look.  It is all about protecting / saving Asian elephants.  London is a great place to work - sometimes.....

Confirmation of my replacement at work

Great - 1st June start which I thought would happen.  It looks good as I can set him off and just keep an eye on things as they transpire.

I need to get away from the clawing pull of work and get on to my own thing.  That is really beginning to take a hold now.  I need to give it a proper run though as it is my money and my time going into it.  I wonder what things will be like this time next year?  

I continue to make gradual changes to my lifestyle and slowly change my diet.  I've been burnt in the past with too much change too quickly.  I hope that these together with a more disciplined working life and exercise (there I said it) will start to turn my lethargy around.  I am certain that the new work arrangements will make a difference - I'm certain of it in fact.

A couple of days off work and back on Thursday and off on Friday.  

How People Treat You

I've visited this subject before but I was thinking how much things have changed with my family probably more than other areas.  I had the shakedown of my friends almost 4 years ago now as some stepped up to the plate and other faded into the distance.

My family have been great really but that has been practical help and probably putting up with me when I haven't been that great myself.  Kudos to them but recently, because we never did discuss what the hell was wrong with me - they treat me like my Doctor treats me.  They see the illness in terms of black and white and miss out (probably rightly so) on the way it plays with your mind.  But that matter of fact remoteness which is pretty useful I imagine for them to deal with things means that I just happen to be another person in the house.  We dance around each other and then when we get a social event no one really bothered with me apart from me buying the drinks!  Really!  The girls have friends of their own and Mrs. F. was extremely busy chatting to everyone else so I spent quite a bit of the evening on my own sipping beer.  

I'm no great party animal but I can be and usually am fun at these sorts of things but I couldn't exactly amuse myself with my jokes and stories - I've heard them all before.   

I guess I felt I was being treated as some sort of Leper and that is why I wasn't particularly happy.

Well that told them

I did actually say something last night.  I was pretty unimpressed with the way I ended up basically on my own for most of the night.  Unlike me I decided I ought to say something and so did.  You can cut the atmosphere in here today with any kitchen implement you may wish to think of.

It is unlike me to be quite so angry and actually say something about it but I think that it is about time I said it as it is and how I feel.  

D is for Depression

The "D" word again.  I find that I'm upset by things I shouldn't be.  Surely those who are close to me now understand or being to understand the problems and trauma I live with?

Well, NO, they don't they blinkerdly piss me off regularly and all I really want is a moment or two of recognition of the agony and turmoil that I go through daily, hourly and I suppose most of my time.

I'm too much of a gentleman to actually say what is wrong.  I try and be blunt but actually I'm not very good at being an emotional outpouring person  

I need to start telling it as it is.  I'm the one getting hurt after all.  They don't know the damage they do to me.  I had a nice evening this evening but I spoke to a few people for a few seconds.  I spent the whole night on my own otherwise...... 

Slowly aligning to the new role

We have to start somewhere is the cry.  Indeed we do.  I need to get into reverse and get out of the office ASAP and start to set myself ready for starting with the new venture. 

It needs my full attention and my full time effort to ensure that I can make as good a go as possible of it.  Ultimately I need to get a lot (and I mean a lot) of finance to make it work and you can't do that in an amateur and part time fashion.  If I've learnt anything in the last two years doing it part time it is that.  Last night's meeting was funny when I explained why we needed to go full time.  "Why?" said one - "well, it took three weeks to arrange this meeting - isn't that a clue?"

I also reminded them that we had agreed to go and get finance by the end of June and that this was the first time we had met as a team since that time and all of us had a good reason or excuse but that it was close to half a year lost!  That's why it needs to be a full time effort.  No one realises or quite gets the scale of the proposition.

Anyway, exciting times to come I guess.   Off tonight to an 18th Birthday party - that will be fun.  L and her friend have new shoes.  So new and so steep are they that we have to drive them to and from the event when it is easily within walking distance!!!  It should be fun.

And so to business

We had a constructive meeting but not particularly a good one I felt tonight as one of the guys arrived late and so the conversation was a bit stilted.  However, enough progress was made to go forward.  We headed off to the Texas Embassy eating house near Trafalgar Square.  It was OK and I suppose I can at least say that I have been there.  If you like chillies with everything then this is your place.   I have to say that I can still taste the damn things.

A came and picked me up from the station as my shoes were rubbing a bit.  Not surprising I suppose as I have been on my feet a lot today.

I am feeling much shirker since I got the news and amazingly, the Hospital emailed me with a list of dates to have my operation.  That actually disturbed me a bit but perhaps the message about giving me advancce notice has gotten through.   Now we are checking our dates and I feel that I may choose the 16th July which is a Friday.  That might allow me to get home Friday night and have a weekend recuperation and that I can get working again on the Monday even if it is just at home.

I need to get the discipline of work back and I must ensure I get enough time together to give the new business a chance to survive.

The Morning After

Things seem to be quite good today. A little fragile emotionally - I guess that is relief rather than anything else.

Today is pretty important in terms of the founding of our new business. We meet with our original partners and have to have the "adult" conversation which revolves around us breaking away and making this happen (or not) and that is an option it could all be wasted time. They need to let us know what they are thinking and what - if anything - they want out of it. My business partner and I are now taking all the risks and we are the ones investing money, time and intellectual property on a full time basis.

I hope that they consider fully what our risks are as they are both in full time extremely well paid employment. For us it is a double whammy as we aren't earning anything, have to invest in costs to run a business and aren't paying ourselves either so 6 months is more like a year invested. Anyway, that is this afternoon's interesting meeting. I'm sure it will be business like.

So - not having BCG - what a bonus. I suppose as there was only one tiny tumour that it makes sense to check again and if there is a major outbreak then to consider what to do.

That's a Relief

I waited for an hour to see the specialist - an hour!!!!  Why don't they tell you at the time - you could go and get a beer or a cup of tea or something.   

I finally saw the Registrar and he explained that the tiny tumour WAS cancerous, was a Grade 2 so nowhere near what I had before with the 3 and the Carcinoma in Situ.   Then he said that they wanted to see me in July/August for a rigid Cystoscopy so that they could have another look and more biopsies and check once again on progress.   I was very young and had many years of life to go and they wanted to make sure that they kept me under observation - strange words but theirs...  

Relief?  I'll say,  blimey I was expecting Monday morning to be full on and BCGs kicking off once again.  I suppose it was good tactics to think like that and be pleased with the outcome but we also spoke about ongoing stuff and the potential to have a neo bladder (not from the Matrix) installed and all that but he did say that I was FAR away from that scenario.  As long as I didn't have anything nasty in me in July we could review the case again.

No one likes going into hospital - me more than many and yet I feel comfortable that I am getting this level of inspection.  It can't be cheap but if it keeps me alive and kicking then it is worth it.  Until you get to this stage of having cancer ( and I seriously hope you never do)  it sounds horrendous and yet, if it keeps you alive you will be surprised what you will put yourself through.

Septic Peg or Mystic Meg or

Who knows what will happen?

It is late Wednesday Night and the day of Judgement arrives very soon.  In about 11 hours I'll know what is going to happen to me.  I am primed to take a full re run of the BCG treatments, Operations and all that stuff and yet I'll be disappointed if that does happen.  I know I will be just devastated and yet - I know what the probable outcome is - we are strange creatures sometimes.

At the Lodge meeting the wave of goodwill washed over me and that was nice.  Is it only me who doesn't think it is that serious?  I have a healthy regard but I don't fear things as I used to.   I suppose we just heard that one of our members died from cancer in February - not the first in our Lodge by any means but I know that the worst scenario would be loss of bladder and possibly Prostate in the overall scheme of things and either a bag or a bladder made from other body parts - not bladder (where the problems are) bits at all.  That would actually mean no cancer at all but a different sort of life.

the "matter of fact" part is that - I am living with this, I can accept that it is my last option and I hope they don't say that tomorrow (or ever).  

I will have my future read tomorrow - not by some mystic or medium but by my Consultant.  She will give me the usual logical view of the world.  How I choose to deal with the truth will be be as much about my character as what will happen to my dreams and plans with my new business venture which will be an exciting journey whatever happens.  I hope that I live long enough to see some if not all of it fulfilled.

Finally, it is election day tomorrow in the UK.  I cast my votes last week as I am a Postal Voter.  Have been ever since I was called away on business and was unable to vote one year.  I believe that it is your civic duty to do that.  You cannot complain if you didn't vote - you only have yourself to blame and all the other people too lazy to exercise their democratic freedoms this way!!!!!  However, there is a fundamental thing here too.  People died to give me the vote and how dare I disgrace them and their memory by wasting my vote, built on the blood and sacrifice of the generations who have gone before.  I doubt many fought so that you could ignore it but maybe that is what freedom is about after all?

Me?  Well - I just want to get tomorrow out of the way so I can plan my future a bit better.  I do feel more trepidation than normal as I am uncertain what the results will bring.  I steel myself for bad news knowing that good news would really cheer me up.

As Steve Kelley in the US often reminds us - Judgement Day can be filled with great news, not so great news, bad news and worse than bad...  I hope for somewhere in the middle and wish for something a little higher.  Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday

Got my replacement sorted - I think he will be good for the company.   Had the big meeting - I got my words right and better still, had a good time except fencing off the question "How are you?"  It is never an easy answer is it?  Ideally I'm fine will do but I don't know that until Thursday so had to skirt the answer with reassurances from myself that I am OK.

Joy of joys Ii bumped into my friend from Denmark who gave me not one, not two but at least three huge bear hugs as he is wont to do.   Missed flocky not staying but we were happy enough with 4 of us on the table and our friends from Hervey Lodge too.  

Not long been home and feeling jaded - another big day tomorrow followed by Thursday and the Hospital.  I'm expecting bad news in a way.  I don't suppose that it can be anything less than 6 BCGs for me.  It will be a surprise if it is any less.

So here comes the busy week

It really is some week coming up:

8 tomorrow - interview with my probable successor

12 tomorrow - on duty for major meeting

7 tomorrow evening dinner

Wednesday all day meeting followed by Lodge meeting back here

Thursday - Judgement Day - I find out how well I am and what I need to undergo to stay as well as I am now.

If time Thursday lunchtime - London Lunchtimers meeting

Friday is the New Business divorce day.  We meet our old partners and set down where we are going and what we intend to do.  We get a clean break and have some sort of tie in that takes their influence away from the new business.  After that - my business partner and I can get moving. I am looking forward to the challenge immensely.

Of course the highlight of the week will be my visit to the Hospital on Thursday morning.  I will either go to London or perhaps wander back via the pub.... drowning any disappointments as necessary.

Helping a Friend

How much do you charge a friend of Mrs. F. for sorting out their PC?  It was a total of 1 hours work and actually was easy to solve once I realised what was going on.  I didn't need to use my amazing gizmos to go tackle a virus, that had already been found and dealt with.  The association file was corrupted in vaulting and destroying the virus.  Easy enough to cure once I found the registry thing.

So what do you charge?  I made a token figure of £10 but she gave me £15 which she felt happy with.  If you had to do this on-line it would have cost close to £45 but that is extortionate.  Goodness knows how much everyone has to pay to sort out problems on the computers caused by their anti virus software identifying a virus (as it is meant to do) and then messing the system up.   Once I had cured that, of course, suddenly there were loads of updates streaming through and they probably had to sit there updating their machine for hours.  

Why should anyone have to spend hour doing that sort of thing?  I hope that, in my new business venture, no one will ever have to worry about that ever again.  Now to go find a venture capitalist who sill fund us to build it......

Sunday

My wedding anniversary - 29 years with Mrs. F.   A nice meal last night with some friends and today has been a quiet sort of day so far.  I have to go over and sort out someone's PC later today.  Some sort of virus issue and so I've got my small box of tricks ready to go and tackle that.

L is our working and A will also go to work later on today too.  I can't complain about that as they are both earning their own money and that has to be good for them for their future too.  A came back from a trip to Scotland yesterday, ate and went off to work....  

Me?  I've got my preferred replacement coming in on Tuesday morning for a 2nd interview and he has sent me some of his work which looks to me to be far superior to that I've managed to do so I am hoping we can get him on board and get him on board as soon as possible.

I hope that I can release myself from the office as soon as possible after that though as I need to take on some of my new business work beginning in June.  Perhaps a blitz on a few publications and a hard few days working from home will see me able to resolve that.

Thursday Looms Large

And, to be honest I'm crapping myself about what they are going to say.  Sorry for that term but I was trying to think how to say that in a less crude and more erudite way and yet, that WAS the thought that was in my head.

I'm resigned to at least have 6 BCGs starting a week or two after the appointment.  I'm sure that it will be the precautionary thing to do.  Of course, it could be worse than that but that is the worst I'm prepared to play with at the moment.  Believe me, I'm not looking forward to the day but need to get it over and done with.  I find myself somewhat annoyed that I have to go back over the same ground again (if I have to) as I know the side effects and the regime that the next 2 or so years will bring.  I can't even begin to tell you what it means personally but even so, I probably don't have Cancer or CIS present in my bladder right now.  Just the one small, nuisance tumour which no longer exits.

The Terror of Cancer

I read on the BBC web site about Bob Harris and his Prostate Cancer battle.  He mentioned the weeks between realising that he had cancer and then waiting to see if it had spread as the worst weeks of his life and perhaps the most frightening too.  I felt real empathy and was beginning to fill up just thinking about how the poor guy must have felt especially as they thought it had spread.  He was pretty relieved to find it hadn't but then had to go through the chemo and hormone treatments required.

It is the added dimension of Cancer that it strikes this level of dread into the most hardened of us.  The word itself is enough to shake you to your core and to have it brings the added "bonus" of dealing with the emotional baggage that attaches itself to you.  At the end of the day, the word carries more force than perhaps it ought to but it is up there with words like Holocaust, Hitler, Mussolini, and Hiroshima.  It has a bad press and the common denominators of death and pain,  courage in the face of adversity, "no cure", and many other myths and misconceptions are programmed into us so that we respond very negatively to the word itself and have little comprehension about what it is unless you have it, deal with it or treat it.

The press and media need to try and make the word serious enough to respect but not demonised - more education and more openness about it would help without putting people off.  Too many still get the symptoms and will not go to their GP to sort it out early.  

Interviews

You know what it is like.  Life is full of surprises.  Suddenly the world just appeared to be one in which my people just found out my true value / worth.  One interviewee was good, I liked him a lot but the others weren't really going to cut it as dynamic was a word lost in translation.

I found out a lot today - no one wants me to go but they are happy that I'll still be around.  In fact there was talk of asking me to reconsider which was funny.  

I was also asked to let everyone know how I get on next Thursday - people are concerned and I've suggested that it will be a full set of 6 BCG that I am expecting probably kicking off around the 17th May and an Operation in September or maybe October just to round off my year.  They looked pained - how do you think I feel? :-)

So there we go another strange day at the office.  Early morning I arrived to find the new girl had left my desk totally unfit to use, had changed the PC screen resolution and a whole host of other things that really p1ssed me off.  i don't normally get quite so angry.  I had to explain to her that whilst I was happy to share a desk it didn't mean she could leave it unfit for me or anyone else to work on.  I think she got the picture as everything was laid out on the floor neatly as it was on my desk when she arrived in.  I had words.  Haven't had to explain things like that to a colleague for a long time but she isn't particularly sharp and was chosen as a not threat.

So one more interview tomorrow and I need to sort out a bucket load of stuff for Lodge too over the weekend.  Next week is as busy as hell - Monday is a Bank Holiday, Tuesday the Provincial Grand Lodge Meeting, Wednesday a huge Committee Meeting followed by a Lodge Meeting, Thursday Hospital and if I feel up to it going to my Luncheon Club and Friday we meet with the 4 business partners to explain the new regime and the new business plans and venture.  So after that, the rest of the week is my own!!

A Productive Day

If Monday turned out to be a day when my friend drained my energy from me through his troubles (not his fault you understand) and I was the person who listened and took the hurt and anger away then today was the opposite.  My business partner and I had a brilliant day thrashing out the elements of our business and setting out where we were going.

The bugger of it is me at the moment.  Another reason that I am a bit miffed.  You see I felt I was going to be pretty much clear to go and sort this out with him and run the business and yet - so much is now reliant on my meeting next Thursday with my specialist that it is a bit upsetting for me as I felt I should be able to give this a full time go.

There is much energy to be gained from getting involved in a massive undertaking like we are at the moment.  Creativity today was amazing and we are trying to find some time when we can go and lock ourselves away on a "boot camp" to brainstorm much of the work we have to do.  I can only hope that my consultant comes up with some radical way of treating me that allows me some time to get away and get this done.

I feel really on top of my game today - more so than I have for years - the feeling is great and I hope that I can repeat it many times over.

Dealing with Death

It is strange n'est pas readers that of all the people in this household, I'm the one who has to sort out the dead pets when they pass to the grand menagerie above.

Our valiant little Hamster passed away sometime yesterday I guess from the state he was in.  However, it had to wait until I could see if he was indeed dead, shake the cage, open up the little sleeping quarters and bless him there he was.  I then had to do the transfer from there into a little box with his name on it so that my daughter can do the rites tomorrow and this little fella can join the others at the back of the garden.  

It is pretty sad but I can't work out why Mrs. F. or younger daughter wouldn't do it?  

Anyway, I have always been against keeping animals although I suppose fish may be all right.  I find that keeping an animal in doors really flies in the face of nature but that's just me - I guess the other argument is that pets wouldn't be alive unless humans wanted and looked after them.  Something deep inside me doesn't "get it" about them - maybe companionship.  They say dogs are man's best friend but go ask your dog for some money as a loan and see where you get!!

So the poor old Hamster finally died - he made two miraculous recoveries from what I thought were death throes some months ago.  There will be a little ceremony somewhere down the end of the garden and I don't know whether she will get a new one.  

I had a mixed day at work yesterday as I did loads of work but then went as a guest to Lodge in Middlesex.  The meeting and food were great as was getting there and back by train but the chap I was with, who is an old friend is really down on his luck at the moment and there isn't an easy way out of the situation for him.  He will be flat broke in a month's time and is in danger of losing the house and everything.  The trouble is I can do nothing for him but listen and try and advise but I don't think he is listening or maybe he is but doesn't understand that this has been coming for years but he just hasn't faced up to it early enough.

Of course he looks mightily hurt that I am able to stop paid work and go and do my bit.  The trouble is that when I was raking in money I didn't spend it - it went into a fund that made sure that I secured my family first and now that is done I can work on securing my remaining years.  It is also plain that he wasn't best pleased that he didn't get to round two in the interviews for my job.  The problem is that the others are far more qualified.  However I tried to say that it felt as if I was spraying him with pepper spray - I felt really quite bad.   It is now a situation of what on earth can I do.  There isn't anything I can do apart from keeping telling him to be realistic and then ask me if I can help in some way.  I can't do it for him and I'm odds on certain that I'm going to end up with some sort of treatment coming up which will severely restrict my availability to do anything for a while either.

Strange that after all the years I've known him - I am just not able to help him like I thought I could/should.  I feel bad about it but I'm being the one who is being realistic about things.  Of course it isn't nice to realise that you may lose your house and have to go love elsewhere and make changes to your lifestyle.  It isn't nice at all.

Strange Day

I have been really angry all day today just seething.  Mrs. F. managed to screw one of the computers by shoving the wrong connector into a USB hub and I had to sort that out.  Then the PC wasn't responding, then the mouse and printers didn't work. 

I feel that I am begining to get angry about what will possibly happen to me in the near future and the treatment that I have somehow convinced myself that I will now have to undergo.

I'm angry about loads of stuff really and even now can feel it in my body.   It isn't like me to be this angry for this long.  

What a busy few days

I went out with the girls from work on Thursday night and had a few glasses of wine and a rather nice Steak Au Poivre.  Time rocked by and I caught the 23:30 vomit comet train home.  The next day, St. George's Day, was great.  We aren't very good at celebrating our Patron Saint in case we offend anyone.  We met for a Full English Breakfast near London Bridge and headed off to Green Park and then Shepherd's Market for a beer at the Grapes and then wandered in the Spring Sunshine off to the Grosvenor House Hotel on Park Lane.  

There we have a nice meal - not too sure how Scottish Smoked Salmon made the menu but there is Roast Beef and all the trimmings - we had plenty of drinks before and after.   There are plenty of sportsmen and this year a number of our members from the armed forces were there and the Band of the Blues and Royals.  There was also Englishman of the year - Sir Ranulph Fiennes this year.  We raise around £30,000 for the Gurkhas at the table collection and then we go on to Shepherds Market afterwards for a few more beers and make our way home.  The 23:30 was OK and I got home at a respectable midnight thirty.

I met my friend's on who I've known since he was about 2 or 3  He is a doctor and we chatted about my situation - I said I was surprised and hadn't the carcinogens gone - apparently not - these things hang around for many years.   Not that he is a specialist in it but he suggested that BCG would probably be the way to go so perhaps that is what it will be.  I can't say that Ii would look forward to that but the alternative is far less pleasant.

Lacking elegance

Escaping from my job isn't going to be all plain sailing because it isn't actually structured properly.  I need to give out some sort of Press Release saying that I am taking a back seat role now and that I'll still be available.  

No date is set for my departure from the office but I think I'll just have to exit over the next three weeks or so.  Interviews are happening next week so perhaps we will strike it lucky and get someone who will just slot straight in and be able to pick up the job without too much difficulty and as long as I can support them a couple of times a month then that will work out cool.

I need to extricate myself in a nice way leaving the new person enough to work on without deserting them or over managing them.

So THAT'S what work is then

Back to work - it was pretty hectic but I got loads done - caught up the week and a half in a day....

Chosen my successor(s) to interview and will see them next week.  The Photos are coming through from the case studies which are lovely and the personalised diaries arrived today.  Cool

Lots happening the next two days.

Left early but a fatality on the line meant a slow journey home.

As I lifted a huge box of diaries into the office someone said "Should you be lifting anything?"  trust me - what a pillock!!  I'll see if I pay for that with any bleeding - sometimes you just forget.

Down

I'm feeling pretty down today.  Just not quite with it either in myself, in my head or about much - I am just hoping that I cheer myself up a bit later on.

The next few weeks are all a bit uncertain and not really planned in any way and that always leaves me a bit flummoxed.  I suppose I just need to take some sort of control over proceedings and perhaps do a bit of leading here especially in finding and bedding in my replacement at the charity.  That will be a good start as there is a fair bit to be done in the next few months and time just isn't on my side at all.

I need to get clear in my head when I am actually leaving and being retained is all well and good but that needs to be set onto a secure footing.  Perhaps I can put my mind to that too?

I can see that to get clear and ready to run with my colleague on our new venture is also a paramount goal too.  

I just need to shake off my current gloomy outlook and sort myself out a bit.  

On a lighter note my application to become a Freeman of the City of London has just arrived and I need to complete that and get it sent back to my sponsor.  As far as I can tell you have to go back 16 generations to find one of my predecessors who was a Freeman of the City.  Something to look forward to there.

A bit more Bladder Cancer Information

This is from the BBC Web Site and the University of Texas http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8629358.stm 

"Eating lots of meat, especially if it is overcooked, increases the risk of bladder cancer, say experts.

Frying, grilling and barbecuing until meat is charred can form cancer-causing chemicals, research shows.

In a study, people whose diets included well-done meats were over twice as likely to develop bladder cancer than those who preferred meats rare.

The research findings, based on over 1,700, people were presented at a US cancer research conference.

The University of Texas investigators found the risk was highest for those who ate well-done red meat such as steaks, pork chops and bacon."

Something more to think about then. 

Peculiar times

I'm not anywhere near as upset as I was when I was diagnosed with Cancer and yet, something is gnawing away at me about the current situation.  The "comfort" if you can take any, is that this is controllable and manageable and that I'm in good hands.  If they'd have found this tiny pin prick of a tumour coming up to 4 years ago then I'd have been a lot happier than what they did find.

It feels like a major set back and it probably isn't.  It feels like I've failed somehow and yet that isn't the case either.  It feels like I have managed to beat the odds and the figures that show the longer you go without recurrence the better things are (reading that this is a failure of course).

So that is how it "feels" and there are a number of emotions rolling around.  There is a loss of self confidence.  Another realisation of mortality.  A "fear" of having to re-do the Treatment (even though it may be the right thing to do).  The treatment is challenging, let's face it, character building stuff and all the side effects that go with it are also things to be concerned and aware of.  How glad I was to see the treatment end must be tinged with the reason I'd be somewhat upset to see it return.  Then there are the other concerns and that includes my relationships with friends and family who were just getting used to me returning to normal - maybe even better than normal with my new found freedom of expression (shall we call it).

Perhaps it is the uncertainty that is also unnerving.  Knowing what is going to happen to you is important and understanding why there has been a reversal of fortune is also a prime concern to me.  Did I do something somehow to set off this cancer?  I would have  hoped that I am keeping clear of carcinogens but maybe my diet or other pat of my lifestyle needs changing to give me an even better chance.   It's all playing around in my head and that adds to the mix too.  

Feeling a little fragile

I found myself feeling a little bit down around mid morning.  I'd picked up some of my medical notes and re-read some of the treatment stuff and the recurrence data and suddenly found myself feeling quite sorry for myself and quite emotional about it.  I can't say that it lasted too long but I do feel a little less happy than normal and a little less buoyant but I can't say that I'm surprised by that.

I'm still battling with the fact that there was something wrong with my tests.  All the other doubts also start to surface then too.  Stuff like whether anything else is about to go wrong with my body.

Sitting on my own doesn't give me much time to distract myself but at least I have short listed some candidates for my job so I hope that I have been fair and objective.  I've submitted those to the office. Perhaps that too has just added to me feeling a bit down? 

Back to normal

I'm up early and at my desk before 6 am.  I'm planning on getting things done today as most of the family head off back to work after the Easter break.   They're day looks fun with people stranded and casual staff being called in whilst they make their way back from various locations by land travel whilst all the planes are grounded.

I'm still a little tender which is only to be expected and I was intrigued to read that apparently you can go to work the day after a rigid cystoscopy - surely they mean if you only had an inspection not if they've cut lumps out of you.  I've yet to have the "joy" of the scabs coming off which believe me is a very strange and disturbing event.  

I'm in a slightly better sense of humour this morning and I feel that I can start to get myself organised and get my head into the zone for my new venture.  I need to find somewhere for my partner and I to go for about a week to have an intensive planning and thinking session to kick us off.  Of course, if I get treatments that will have to be less than a week and travelling too far is out as well.  I need braodband access to really make it useful and we just need this intensive burst of planing and creative effort.

With no date set for my finishing at the Charity I need to settle on who to interview today and get those sorted out - perhaps I need the boss to do the interviews as they have to work with them.  

Mixed Emotions still

Strange how I feel at the moment.  I'm not frightened and I'm not thinking anything other than things have been set back a little bit.  I suppose that when you get a set back, tiny as this is, you really weren't expecting it.  It is funny how a number of people wonder if I feel ill or not well and yet I probably have been feeling as well as I ever have.  Perhaps that too made for the shock.  I was definitely ill when I got BC but hadn't seen it coming really.  At the moment I feel unfit but only because I am over weight and so perhaps that is something to do with it.

I just feel a little low a little upset and a little let down.  I think it is only natural to feel a little like that after all it wasn't great news.  On the other hand I have a pretty good idea what treatment will be like if I am to have any and also I'm pretty much accepted that I'll need to have a good few more of these operations.  

The operations I guess will be the thing that will make me low.  I'm caught in the spiders web of tests and blood taking not only by my GP but also the Hospital and I'm just going to have to accept it.  

I'm sure that I'll be looking at this a different way after the 6th May and my appointment.  I hope that I'll feel just a little more upbeat.  It was only 6 days ago I had this operation and I need a little more time to rationalise my thoughts.  At present it is my heart and my emotions that are causing this wobble in my attitude.  Once I get my brain loose and get some solid logic wrappered around the situation then I should get things into perspective once again.

Beer and a Curry

It was god to get out with K and have a few beers followed by a nice Curry.  We certainly enjoyed the food and the beer - something called Total Eclipse - perhaps would have made all the lights go out if we had quaffed much more of it.  Really nice beer and reassuringly strong.

I'm OK in myself still if a little down though and that's just the disappointment of the find really and the fact that I've got to climb back onto the roller coaster and maybe start the whole process off again.  Whatever happens I'm pretty certain to be in for another operation in October so I just need to readjust and to refocus.   I'll just have to get on with life and to make sure that I adjust my sights accordingly and that I take whatever appropriate steps to tighten up my lifestyle even further.

I did enjoy getting out and chatting to K though we haven't had a long chat like that for quite a while so it was beneficial to me.