Friends the good, the bad and the ugly

I like to consider the one great thing about Freemasonry, beyond the moral and charitable foundations is that it is about brotherhood or brotherly love. these 21st Century days those 17th century words probably don't mean what they actually meant when they were first coined and can be twisted somehow and maybe those words need to change a bit. I't isn't love in the way you'd expect it to be described since the 1960s for example.

What it means, of course, is comradeship if you like. What - perhaps it feels like to be on the same side, team spirit, brothers in arms maybe. So tonight's great vibes were when they read out that I was in next week for a small "set back" in my progress and the 9th operation in 4 years. My Almoner, C, has been great and kept his eye on me ever since I've been ill. He reads this blog so knows some of the ups and downs. He is great and I know that he does lots of other visiting things that he never tells anyone about. Such is the mark of the man. So C reported to the Lodge what was going on and the well wishes were and still are quite over whelming. I have to bat these back saying it will be OK, it is only a minor thing, it is no "big Deal" it is the sort of reality that is bladder cancer. I always, and maybe I shouldn't, enjoy explaining how they actually get into my bladder to do this work. "Is it key hole?" they ask. "well - they go in through your penis" kind of kills off the conversation. If you haven't go the wincing by then - well you're just no good at it :-)

The other one is "how did you find out?" - so you say "I went to the toilet and pissed blood all the time" also has about the same squirming effect. I don't actually do the "beat around the bush" stuff for long as people really need to know. They need to be aware and also in some ways to understand the facts that it isn't a death sentence.

So where is this blog going? It is rambling a bit and the reason is that one of my friends, who I have known for a long time, and I've whined about before on this blog, is still driving me bloody nuts. I've known him all my Masonic life and it is because of him I am so involved and yet, when he is in the sh1t and needs our help he doesn't see that we are trying to help. But the reaction is so bad and bitter and everything is wrong about the guy that I can't get near, help or anything. the reason? It appears that it is something to do with I've got things sorted out and I'm OK and somehow it is wrong.

That still doesn't translate well! Let me try this then - You can tell I find it difficult to tackle this because it is a long term friendship but he's just p1ssed everyone off and try as you might, he isn't going to accept your help as he is now in full denial that there is anything wrong. I can't get past the protective shell he has put up and that shell is nasty, aggressive and spiteful and hurtful to his friends. I have to keep trying even though it hurts me I suppose.

So tonight I suggest that I had to take a course of action as I wasn't sure whether he was going to turn up and he rounds on me as if I have done it to hurt him. I have to do these things to get them done and meet targets. He is Mr. Unreliable incarnate and suddenly, because I have had to be pragmatic (and I don't really need to involve him) it is my fault. I'm easing him out. I'm doing something to him. I didn't even need to mention it.

How long do you keep trying for? He is a friend after all but for the last 18 months he has done everything in his power to destroy that and make me the villain and I'm (hopefully) not. He has made so many enemies recently. The girls in my office don't like him and he's upset most of the people I've introduced him to. He just can't help himself. He's even p1ssed off Mrs. F. and that, I can tell you, takes some doing.

So - there you go - love/hate relationship and it's all looking bad and the chap is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy - he's going down and despite all his friends rallying around, he's turned his back on them too and going to the depths all by himself. I was thinking of a phrase that summed this up and this one does that:

"I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass!!!"

So back to the blog - the ugly and bad is done. The good are all those who wished me well, looked worried, didn't quite understand that it isn't that serious but they thought it was. The ones who thought I was being brave and yet it's "just the way the cookie crumbles guys" and all that stuff. I sort of spent the time rationalising it the way I rationalise it:

1. It was a tiny, minute tumour
2. the remaining 99.9% of my bladder was clear of cancer and has been for 3+ years
3. You can't treat a tiny, weeny little tumour like that - it was cut-out and is NO LONGER THERE
4. It was low grade, low threat, less than CIS or any other tumour I've had before
5. Decreasing the time between biopsies is best in class behaviour and the right thing to do
6. If they find anything now - they can scrape it out. If they don't we revert back to the original 6 month reviews
7. In 3 months not a lot can happen to a bladder that was left cancer free
8. BC grows slowly and can be controlled

Now I know this - and Steve K in the USA knows this as do many pragmatic sufferers. We live with odds and facts and binary decisions. We also live with "other stuff" that may or may not assist but we rationalise and we decide and we move on from there. We know that this is what happens, that BC is no death sentence to us as we were "caught early". We are constantly monitored and subject to the best western Medicine available.

Of course, our friends don't know this. They think we are "brave", that we are "warriors" and yet we are no different to them. When you get this you decide to live or to die. It is your choice. If you wish to live then you have to undergo many things. Believe me, some of the things I want to live for are very important for me - perhaps see my daughters down the aisle - see them graduate or maybe - though I'm not sure of this - to become a grandparent. I don't know but to me, life is worth all the fighting, the Hospitals, the treatments and all that. What does it mean if you just roll over and "take it up the ........." you fill in whatever blank feels appropriate.

I'm not brave - I do however believe I am an Advocate or Ambassador and show people that Cancer is survivable, something that you tackle with dignity and good humour. That surviving matters, that doing the right thing is the way forward, that you need to have a respect for these things but that you don't fall over cheaply and that you play your part in defeating this scourge to society. Cancer ruins so many lives. It never fails to make me feel humble that I've survived, that I can still fight it, that - compared to many others - I am so lucky to have something that is treatable. My family are older, imagine a younger child or family dealing with this and I do get upset by it.

Now I'm arguing the point I made above about these wonderful people, who aren't directly affected by cancer being worried about me and there is me, worrying about them when, in reality I find seeing anyone else in distress especially young people and young families equally upsetting. The balance is that I've had quite a bit of life and they haven't. It would leave a dent here but my children are older and I hope more resilient.

I like my friends, the good the bad and the ugly I just wish the one person I had so much time for - for over 25 years - can just switch back to being the person I admired and loved so much. Today, I find it so very hard to enjoy his company or to try and have any sort of discussion with. I feel that my energy just drains away and that all attempts to get close are met with a virtual stab in the heart with an ice hardened dagger. It is so sad but what I'm getting to eventually is this nagging in the back of my head and it says:

Look after yourself. Only your survival is important, be selfish for once in your life, do the right thing for yourself and your family. Enjoy your own life and do your own thing. I've not lived by those rules ever. I was brought up to help people and yet the nag nag nag in the back of my head says these things. Look after yourself and your own, sod everyone else. Survival is all.

I fight against this selfish view, rightly I think. But maybe, just maybe there is something here that means - just concentrate on getting yourself right first. You can't help other people if you aren't well enough to do that. You can't keep getting emotionally involved, whipped, beaten up without their being further toll on your health. Be Utterly Selfish and get yourself well. Sod the rest.

That is what my head says and is wrestling with. Sometimes I really hate the way my brain works - it has these arguments and moral battles and no one actually wins out.

Time for bed said Zebedee

All Systems Go for Scar Wars IX

Yep - clean bill of health, amused my regular nurse with a full readout from my Blood Pressure monitor but actually 160 over 90 was pretty good for me at the Hospital :-) Blood taken, Heart Monitored - Questions Answered and ECG and general prodding around is done so it looks as if all systems are go.

I feel like a regular there now, had all my MRSA tests done as well and so things are set for Friday week. It was interesting as we got onto the weight loss discussion and I measured 102.5 Kilo today. When I was first in Hospital I weighed 92.5 Kilo so a 10 Kilo or 22 lbs difference. That gives me a good idea for the sort of weight loss I am contemplating and I still felt I was overweight then although, having said that, I have been lower.

So 102.5 Kilos is 225 Pounds (16.14 Stones). What is interesting about this is that it is much less than I think I weigh which I think is closer to 230 - there is always some sort of variance I guess and I was weighed first thing in the morning with little in the way of intake so perhaps that may be it. I scaled 92.5 Kilos in 2006 which is 205 Pounds (14.64 Stones).

So there is my target weight to get me to my pre cancer weight. I reckon that it needs to go below that a bit further for my 5 foot 11 and 3/4" - I'd be 6 foot if I had any hair :-) We will just have to see. I can't imagine that me eating a bag of sweets (my reward for having my blood taken) will overly impact my weight but I have a slap up meal tonight which may well affect things :-)

It is amazing how quickly you can put on weight but how slowly it tends to come off. I know that it should come off in a controlled manner and no more than a few pounds a week. It is pretty depressing to think that it could take me 10 weeks or more to lose anything like the weight I need to but at least if I can maintain that it will mean that for September and October I will be able to fit nicely into my suits again.

Early Morning

I will wander up to the Hospital and have my pre-assessment done. I must remember to drink plenty of water as they need a sample when I get there and I need to take the 2nd pee of the day in a sample jar with me too.

I'm getting an old hand at this now and I am going to take my Blood Pressure readings of the last month along just to prove a point about my white coat syndrome. Even though I've been through all of this before I still find it particularly stressful especially blood tests and everything else. I've only ever been ill when I've been in Hospital - that statement may not make sense - but what I mean is, it has always been, operation this, course of treatment that, stitches, injections, operation, nasty tests and so on. I suppose you don't go there otherwise but to me, it just has no "nice" feel to it at all. I associate it with having stuff I don't want to have done, being done to me.

At the end of the day though, they are helping me and I am a lot better than I was 4 years ago without doubt. If they didn't operate then and do the treatment etc., well..... maybe I wouldn't be here now to complain about it :-)

This will have been the 9th Operation in 4 years. It is eclipsed by my time when I was a child of having 11 operations albeit over a 9 year period and some of those were close together. These were on my ear which I managed to have a series of Polyps removed and then a blown ear drum, a reconstruction, some clever removal of the hearing bones and re-insertion sometime later and then a mastoidectomy which I remember being pretty strange as I had a tendency to fall over through dizzy spells for some time after and had migraines for about a year afterwards. Glad I never got those headaches again they were wicked things as I recall.

To add to that I had one hell of a scare after getting off a flight and ended up for 4 or 5 days with a suspected heart attack that was eventually explained away as a feint - possibly to do with the plane being cramped?? Mmm. So there you go - Hospitals are not my favourite places.

I did have my friend come and do some hypnotism on me and that has helped me a lot. I can take myself to and from hospital. I can even have blood tests and that without needing anyone nearby so a massive improvement in the way I approach having to attend and go through all these things. Once tomorrow is out of the way I will be able to take it relatively easy as I won't go in until the 16th July and so a week and a half should help me to get prepared for Scar Wars IX. Let's hope that it turns out better than Scar Wars VIII.

Nothing quite as boring

As pouring over legal term sheets and agreements. I could feel my interest levels dropping off this afternoon. What a load of words :-) All necessary I'm sure but it takes a long time to read through and digest what they mean and then come to terms with the - well - terms :-)

I feel relatively upbeat but have to attend Hospital tomorrow for my pre assessment and I do feel a bit worried about what they are going to find in at the end of next week. I suppose I should just accept what will be will be but in fairness, it does play on your mind - it's bound to. I know that they wont whip my bladder out next week but you know in the back of your mind that it is a possibility if the recurrence carries on. I imagine that they may well have to BCG again if that is the case. My friend is on the "old" regime and has been on BCG for more years than he cares to remember too. He recently had a "red area" recurrence so back to the beginning again for him.

The one thing I know is that I trust my Consultant to let me know what to do for the best for me so I suppose I just have to wait and see what the results are. Tomorrow is the 4th Anniversary of me going to see my General Practitioner and being informed that he thought it was most probably Cancer - he has a way with words....

Oh well - it is almost exercise time again - I'd better go and get on with that and get it out of the way :-)

Well that wasn't so bad

I did 30 minutes on my cross trainer and racked up the furthest I've travelled before so that was pretty good.  I am getting closer to the 8kM mark in 30 minutes and like Steve K in the USA, I think that exercise is the spawn of the Devil but it appears we must do some to assist with all the other things we do to fight off further attacks of Bladder Cancer.  Still 7.4 kilometres is about 4.6 miles and 8 would let me hit the 5 miles in 30 minutes target.

Unlike Steve I do feel a benefit and can actually feel it is doing me some good.  For distraction I stick my MP3 player on quite loud and just pound away for 30 minutes.  I do a few minutes recovery and then do some light dumbbell work for about 3 or 4 minutes and that does me.  After cooling down I check my blood pressure which is always reassuringly low and on a downward slope (which also gives me some satisfaction) and then I have a shower and have something to eat.

I was a bit worried that I'd feel tired or not up to the exercise today but in fact I'm obviously getting stronger and getting further along each time.  I wonder when I'll get to the magic 8kM?

A Flocky Compliment

He must be ill :-) He actually noticed that I had lost some weight but then I haven't seen him since the beginning of June and I'm at least 8 Lbs lighter if not more than when I last met him.

Today has been a really difficult one for me to get motivated and sorted out. I really need a kick up the backside but that probably wont help. I am tackling about 20 documents - not all at once but each impacts the other so you do one, then that may alter 2 others. When you bring them up to date you then realise that another document is in need of updating and so on.

I need to remember to go and do my exercises a little later. I'll see how good my weekend walk was at increasing my stamina and fitness overall.

Interesting Weekend

So let's look at my weight. Not always a good thing to do on a Sunday night but for what it's worth I checked and then double checked as I couldn't believe that I scaled 16 stone 6 lbs. or 230 pounds. I know that my jeans and trousers are beginning to get slack as I kept having to hoist them up and the belt has gone in a notch. I can definitely feel my stomach is tighter and I feel a lot fitter.

We had a great weekend and despite my terrible night on Thursday (could I have burnt nervous and emotional energy?) I have managed to exercise every day. On Saturday Mrs. F. and I must have walked 10 miles. We walked from Hythe to Dymchurch but not along the coast road - no we followed the Canal (built as a redoubt against Napoleon) and then cut in across country walking around some large lakes of a disused quarry and we really knew we had been on a route march. We are suitably tanned too after al those hours in the sun.

I enjoyed the weekend and as it was my birthday had a slap up meal on Friday and Saturday night and full breakfasts on 2 days but considering that we had nothing for lunch and did a lot of walks I can see that it is possible that I would not have put weight on given I have been crunching away all week and have eaten like a rabbit. It was nice being near the sea as on Saturday I had Dressed Crab followed by Moules Mariniere washed down with a nice Pinot Grigio Blush Rose. Mrs. F. had fresh Tuna which she said was the nicest she has ever tasted.

I'm impressed that some of my birthday presents include dried fruits of various types - nice one...

My Nephew has recovered - just about - from Thursday night's shenanigans. Strewth - I never want to go through that again. It makes me shudder now just thinking about it. They got paramedics out to him and it was a combination of not eating, drinking and the heat that did for him. At least he is OK and - hopefully - learnt his lesson. For me - I need to work on my "coping" skills - in the old days I would have been OK but I found myself foundering and unable to really cope. I was stuck in a small enclosed space too and for a long time and it was emotionally draining. Discussing this with my friend I've found that this is something to do with the way we are post cancer as he has the same. You find that dealing with other people's emotions and problems far more draining than you did before. It saps your energy and it doesn't take long before you have nothing left in your tank to give. It's not that I don't care it is just that my ability to do so has been greatly diminished and I find that it upsets me too - I can no longer stay impartial and the great arbiter I used to be. I still find it inexplicable that something can still pull such strong reactions and emotions out of me or that they can drain me so quickly.

I am set for a hard week of grinding out business documents. I hope it coos down a bit in the house too. On Wednesday I have my pre-assessment and in the evening the last Lodge meeting of the season. We pack up and have a few months of for the summer. On Friday week I have my operation (my 9th in 4 years) and hope to find the results shortly after that. I will have to work out what alternatives to exercise I can have. Some years ago now I exercised too early and started bleeding - I was told to take it easy (obviously) and I imagine I will have to think of about 2 weeks break. In that time I may try and do some walking I think.

4th Anniversary and a Frightening Moment

Last night I was out and met my Nephew.  I'd never really understood what it was like for people on the other side of my illness and he was very good and told me about everyone's fears and concerns.  We discussed loads of things and then suddenly he started acting - well - a bit strangely.  I ordered some food in case he hadn't eaten before he turned up to the wine bar but shortly after that it all kicked off.

I'll not go into too much detail but I managed to get him to the toilets where he stayed for a good 1 to 1 1/2 hours as I got water in and out and tried to work out what to do with him as he was coming in and out of conciousness and so I was keeping him awake and sticking water down his throat which promptly didn't stay there for long.

I grabbed his phone and managed to call his girlfriend and get their address in London.  I spoke to my wife to get her to do a bit pf phoning and then the really frightening thing happened.  I lost it, all of a sudden I just burst into tears on the phone and Mrs. F. said something soothing like "you're not going to help him like that" and it was over, I snapped back and said "NO, I've got this under control, I'm going to sort it out".  I was the only person who was interested or helping and so it was down to me.  I eventually got is address, half stabilised him, got a taxi driver and stuck him in a cab and let his girlfriend know.  

I went back to the wine bar, drank my wine, tipped the wine waiter who did help me get a taxi and gave me a bottle of water to give to the taxi driver to give to him if he was ill further or needed it.  I then got a very late train home and walked back here.  I was close to tears all the way, I can't exactly work out whether it was shock - it all happened so quickly and was actually quite frightening - or just the way I am these days - I would never have been like this before BC or something else at play.  I just found it all really distressing, really frightening and I'm emotionally drained this morning.

Today happens to be the 4th Anniversary of the first real signs that there was something wrong with me.   I'd driven to Yorkshire and on arriving went to the toilet only to emit a stream of red urine.  It really is stuff from a horror movie when you see it and it totally freaks you out.  Maybe it was that yesterday (as we discussed it) or maybe it was also that I realised that it wasn't just me who was petrified by what I had, everyone else around me had to deal with it too.

On a lighter note.  My business partner's cancer is also 4 years ago in a couple of weeks.  He and I had no idea about the other's condition until later in the July of that year.  After that we started to meet up and compare notes and feelings.  I have to say that 4 years ago, I would never have dreamt that he and I would be attempting to start a new business enterprise.  We are both really happy we have got to 4 years post diagnosis.  His magic number is 5 so this time next year he should be able to say it is beaten for him.  For me?  Well Bladder Cancer is different - controllable but it does like to come back every now and then.  Let's hope that isn't the case in a few weeks time.

As for my Nephew - it appears that he got home and was still in and out so the paramedics checked him over.  He had just drank too much.  I have to say - I didn't see him or appear that he was drinking too much but there you go - very hot weather we are having and if he didn't eat anything or maybe it was just his light frame but anyway - let's hope he just has the hangover from hell today.........  And never does it again.

No Pressure Then?

well - very little. My Blood Pressure readings have crashed these past few weeks. I'm amazed at the improvement - today I'm down to 127 over 74 which is a huge crash down from 155 over 110 just 3 weeks ago when I did my baseline measure.

This exercise malarkey is good for you - even though it sucks. I've seen a daily improvement and the graph looks like the slope on a championship skiing downhill!! Brilliant.

I'm laying off the exercise for tomorrow as I am going up to town and so won't have time. Friday Mrs. F. is taking me away for the weekend and there should be plenty of sea and sun and walking involved.

Life's good and my business partner was over earlier today as we were going through some of our plans. It seems to be going great so far. long may everything continue like that.

One week today is my pre-assessment. Two weeks on Friday is my operation. As I write that my left hand starts to twinge knowing it will get a cannula shoved up it and the bruising that causes. Oh well, it is all in a good cause I suppose.

I'm off for a shower now having completed my exercises and then will prepare yet another salad and perhaps fish tonight - maybe Pilchards. Flocky Bicep is horrified and things I may have "turned" :-) I'm surprised how good I can make a salad taste with all the ingredients I can bring to bear.

Blimey

That burst work I was doing over the last couple of days and today's exercise surprised the life out of me.  I knew today I was burning up a lot faster than normal and did an extra kM in 30 minutes - not bad considering the resistance of the thing.  Measure my BP and it was way down, probably the lowest I've ever seen it.  I waited 10 minutes in case it was an anomaly but no there it was. way below my usual so I'm pretty pleased with that.  If I can keep that going it will be good.  

L has given me some hand dumbbells to use and I did 5 minutes with those after my 30 minutes on the machine.  They made my arms wobble I can tell you especially holding out my arms away from my body.

Anyway, exercise really does appear to work - now to see if I can actually burn off some weight too.

The British and Their Weather

I know - no one else on earth understands this preoccupation we have with the weather but take today, about 28 Degrees C but humid too.  Tomorrow is expected 28 Degrees with 70 percent relative humidity.  We just aren't used to it.   Years of evolution and we still find it too hot or too cold it is never quite right :-)

That's the trouble though living here, you wither get one thing or the other and can easily have 4 seasons in a day.  We apparently have more Tornados and thunder storms than any country of our size more than USA so they say.  I wonder who came up with that stat?  Whoever it was, it seems surprising although we have seen quite a few Tornados of late even one in a London suburb!

But I digress what I was rattling on about was just how uncomfortable the weather is at the moment.  I did my exercises today but was pretty worn out afterwards.  I expected to be as I was sprinting and had another programme set which starts at high resistance and drops to a low plateau to do the crunch bit and then winds back up to the top resistance in the last ten minutes - that's the bit that grabs your attention.  I have a fan running in my office.  I have one in the bedroom too and it just feels so draining this weather.  Perhaps we ought to get air conditioning or I'll work in my Jag all day tomorrow - that will mess up the global warming figures if I do that!

We will have to see what tomorrow brings - a nice juicy thunder storm would be good to clear the air but I doubt we will get one.  Hopefully we can sleep tonight.

Hot work

Exercising in this weather is hot work and I have a fan blowing on me all the time - it sort of helps.  I've been doing 30 minutes a day around about 5 pm every day it finishes off my work day, let's me have a bit of chill out time and vent if I need to.  I tackle my workout using a pre programmed range on the Cross Trainer and I've also been doing these little short exhausting bursts of effort three or four times each session.  It absolutely puffs me out but that is exactly what it is meant to do.  apparently that burst sets off all sorts of good thing in your body.  I have no idea about that I just feel absolutely knackered and it makes the sweat pour off me.  No bad thing either.

I have ordered some sweat bands from eBay which I hope will arrive a little later this week - some cheap and cheerful ones that can be throw away when they invariably get tatty.

It was good to that Steve K in the USA has managed to lose a further pound this week.  I didn't move but was a bit worried I'd put it all back on again.  That may happen this week with Hotel food to look forward to.

Mrs. F. returned from a shopping trip today to say how easy it is to feed me these days.  Here was my bag of fruit, my bag of salad, my sardines, mackerel and pilchards, cottage cheese and crisp bread and soup.   The fruit includes figs and also some dried figs (I love these and no one else in the house does).  I've got walnuts for my salad and low calorie mayonnaise and salad cream (again only I like that).  I have tomato juice - yes you've guessed it only I like that too.  I caught myself needing a snack the other day - a stick of celery.  Suddenly it doesn't seem so bad eating all this stuff that was unappealing only a few weeks ago.  I enjoy the time it takes to prepare a salad and the time it takes to eat one.  The amount of fruit I eat these days is also far more than I ever did.  I can really feel the difference especially things like the exhaustion I used to get.  I still get tired but not anywhere like before, I feel good, my skin feels good and my blood pressure is down and all of this through investing about an hour a day in warming up and cooling down and of course exercising in between plus eating a lot healthier than I've ever eaten before.

Well I'm off for a shower now having cooled down sufficiently, taken and recorded my blood pressure and written this little missive. 

It's Hot Again

Phew - there's a lot to be said for air conditioned offices.  Unfortunately my office can only appear cool through the use of reciprocating fans (air blowers).  I'm stuck in my office and wondering if I'm going to last out for the remainder of the morning or go and work downstairs which is surprisingly cool.  The Front Room has always been so much cooler than anywhere else in the house.  It is north facing and shaded by the massive tree out front.  With wooden flooring it is just a few degrees cooler than anywhere else.

I'll see how I get on.  I was pleased that I didn't put on any weight last week - I reckon it may have been close but I've lost all the drop off weight you tend to get immediately and am into the slow burn it off process.  A little every week is good.   It looks as Mrs. F. has managed to book us a Hotel for my birthday which will be a nice change.   I think because the Goodwood Festival is on we couldn't get anywhere along the Sussex coast.  Instead we are staying relatively local and going down to the Cinque Port of Hythe.  I've not been there since I was a kid and did things like drive down there on a Saturday night with my mates for a beer and a game of darts!!!  Crazy - but then petrol was cheap in those days.

It is quite near Romney and Dungeness so we can get out and explore a bit - it should be fun.  My birthday isn't until the Sunday but that isn't a problem - it will be nice to chill out a bit.  At the moment I am working all the time.  By that I mean my brain is working overtime and all it does is think about this new business and so it can sometimes mean that in the middle of the night I can wake up with an idea and have to get up and do something about it. 

I've been doing myself with my age too - I'll be 53 on  Sunday - I've been saying I was 53 for ages - on Sunday I'll be right!  Apparently where we are going has an excellent fish restaurant with locally caught fare so that will be interesting too.  I'm looking forward to a few days off - the way things are going I don't see us getting away unless the girls get their acts tocgether.

Was that on or behind the line

I have to say that - it was really, really close and after a look in slow motion I can confirm that I'm still not absolutely sure.  My scales look as if I've lost a couple of pounds but the needle is that thick and the line that thin that it is difficult to say so I think that I ought to call it as no loss this week.  Still 232 Pounds.  I've managed to exercise every day this week and with the temperature reaching 30 Degrees C today it was a bit of a struggle.  

England are out of the World Cup - a pretty average showing and some schoolboy errors in their game.  If they played like they play their Premier League games here then perhaps things may have been different - a disallowed goal that was clearly in didn't help the medicine go down but, there you have it, once more we are disappointed but will we never learn?  

This week I have another one of those lunch time appointments but I've ordered a half decent meal - I just need to ensure that I don't drink too many beers either side of the lunch!

Feeling quite good about things at the moment, that will probably change this time next week as I start to stare down the gun that is my next operation on the 16th July with the pre-assessment on the 7th July.  At least I might get away for my birthday next weekend.  It will be curious actually going to a Hotel on the 2nd July given that 4 years ago, on the 2nd of July, I went to a Hotel and all of this kicked off.  Oh yes, and England lost in the World Cup that day too.  How can I forget :-)

Adieu

Saturday not as bad as it could have been

I picked up A from the station last night and packed L off to camp this morning, managed to clean up the kitchen changing it from war zone to habitable just to see it turned back by ravenous young adults at breakfast time.  A is getting ready to go to her friends and then fly off to Zante (one of the Greek Islands) tomorrow, L will be back and then I need to get her to and from work tomorrow.  In between times there are 2 games in the World Cup, Wimbledon, Moto GP, Formula One and GP2 to fit into a tight weekend.

I'm actually trying to work in between times too which is funny.  We are at the stage in the new venture where we need to have a name and a way of defining and differentiating our service from others - but there aren't any others.  So the quandary is that it is so different from modern computing that you can't refer to modern computing and there is the problem we are having.  we might as well call it cheese or tarmac or something like that because it really is so far away and needs to be off the wall.  So I am sitting in the front room with my flip chart doing word association exercises.  Things are so bad that I was actually dreaming about it two nights ago and every time I woke up I would have to go and write down what I'd dreamt.

The air fair is in full swing and a huge refuelling aircraft has just flown overheard.  The day is punctuated by the roars of jets and the thump of WW2 propeller crafts but they are just out of sight.  All day people have been walking past with collapsible chairs and bags going up to the heights past the Church to watch for free.

The USA play today and we play tomorrow in the World Cup.  Steve K and I are a couple of weeks into our trying to be fit and losing weight regimes.  I definitely feel like I've put weight on this week through two nights out and having a few beers on Tuesday lunchtime as well.   I'll check tomorrow evening and see what the score is.  I am really pleased though with my blood pressure which has tumbled down after doing 30 minutes a day on my cross trainer.  That is excellent and together with a few tips I picked up about doing some short burn out sessions during the exercises I hope to get a little more out of that in the long run.  

There is a long way to go and I need to drop a couple of stone - 28lbs at least to make me feel anywhere near where I was a couple of years ago.  If I can go lower than that I will be delighted.  I've now managed to get into a routine especially with food and how and what I eat and when.  I just have to continue eating the way I am and exercising and the weight will come off but gradually, no crash dieting - it doesn't work.  The first loss must be down to the introduction of a new diet and that initial loss of weight you always get on a diet and with exercise.  From now on I expect slow, steady progress. 

I also need to remember that I am in Hospital in a few weeks which will mess up my routine.  Last time I exercised after biopsies I managed to make myself bleed badly so I will probably have to take it easy for a week or two afterwards.

Funny Experience

I was doing my exercise which as readers of Steve K's blog know "Really Sucks!" and believe me it does.  Then I heard myself muttering as I was getting to the last bit of the three hills programme I tend to use and really giving it some effort, sweating like you wouldn't believe I heard myself saying things like "take that cancer", "you're not beating me" "I can keep this going" and so on.

Suddenly I realise I've got more than one reason to put myself through these agonies every day - losing weight is definitely on the cards but beating cancer is even more important too.  Diet, exercise, taking away carcinogens as much as possible and just fighting back make you feel good about this.  

I'm quite surprised that I was putting quite so much aggression into the exercises but there you go let's hope it does the trick.  It has already brought my blood pressure crashing down into reasonable territory so perhaps it will benefit me in many other ways too.  Here's hoping because no matter what, exercise really does suck :-) 

End of the week

I haven't accomplished as much as I wanted to this week.  I had two nice evenings out.  The curry was good last night and in the BBC news today Bromley, a few miles from here, was named as the Curry Capital in the UK and we were at my local curry house and as usual they did a fine job and the food was excellent.  

Exercise, every day so far and made certain that I did 30 minutes each time even on the days when I was out.  Mrs. F. is away this weekend, A returns from Scotland and then flies off to Zante, L goes to camp tomorrow where Mrs. F. is helping the 100 year celebration of the local Guides.  Just to keep me on my toes, it is the Biggin Hill Air fair. That means we will be virtually blocked in here in the village as they make things one way for the traffic management.  The trouble with that is that I have to get out just as they fair ends to collect L from work.  Maybe I will leave early and just wander around and wait for her.

I'm feeling good and relatively fit.  My stomach has grown a lot slimmer but I'm not sure that I've lost any weight though.  With two evenings out I doubt that all the good stuff I have eaten here at home, may all be to keep me standing still.

Big Day for England and the USA

And the for the football teams too.  I'm off to London to meet up with the old work crew.  My day meeting got cancelled so it is just a social.  Heaven knows what that will do to my weight as we will be having a few to drink.  I've been exercising each day, doing 30 minutes with a three peaks setting on my XTrainer.  It is getting back into a routine that is important and I've managed to sort that out.  Today I will probably try and exercise straight after lunch and then get showered and head on up to London.  

The match is on mid afternoon and no doubt there will be fans milling around at all the pubs in London.  Not my favourite but let's see how bad they can get between 3 in the afternoon and going home time.  Unfortunately for me I also have a Curry evening booked for tomorrow and so I think my diet is right out the window this week.

I hope for further victories for the USA and England - and let's hope that our teams will also follow our lead!

And at the Weigh In tonight the contender scaled

16 stone and 8lbs which is Llbs = 232 pounds which I was surprised at I expected no change or a slight increase.

I can only put it down to the stepping up of my exercise and the way I am eating at the moment.   I'm really pleased and my stomach is visibly smaller and I feel "tightened up" if there can be such a thing.  My trousers are beginning to feel lose so I can tell something is happening and as I said yesterday my skin feels better I guess because of increased circulation.   My blood pressure is dropping too - so all is going the right way and it is encouragement for me to see it and to record it.  My word though 129 over 81 is brilliant for me....  Cool.

I'm off for a shower now and some R&R as it is Sunday.  Tomorrow I have a full on day as I record all the stuff we did last week at Boot Camp.  Fun, fun fun. 

Strangely

I have felt a lot better these past few weeks and my skin feels totally different and I can feel weight coming off and muscles tightening up as I continue to exercise and my diet takes on a habit rather than being a novelty.  I tend to have a lot of salads now and I'm enjoying them as I make them with some little twists to the recipe.  I'm doing 30 minutes of exercise a day and hit the 7kM mark on the XTrainer today.  I'm exercising late in the afternoon after having done a days work which means that I am actually stopping myself being slouched over my desk and I get on and do a good 30 minute work out.  I've been doing three peaks in 30 minutes which is pretty strenuous.

In the world cup today the USA did brilliantly to come back from a 2:0 score to even the match.  England were utterly dire and had no zing or anything else going about them.  Perhaps a stick of dynamite up their backsides may have made them wake up.  It was utter rubbish and so I headed over to the DVD player and watched a film.

I fear thought that the England and USA performances may reflect on this week's tally of how Steve K and I are doing in our "gentleman's bet" on weight loss over the next 6 months or so.  Last week I did manage a flying start to the campaign but I think that is similar in every start of eating properly and exercising - I managed to lose 4 lbs which wasn't bad.  After 3 days in a Hotel this week, despite being a good boy and choosing proper food, I have to admit to having a few beers and tomorrow we are off to a barbecue.  I feel that the USA may indeed make a fighting come back this week.  We will find out on Monday. 

Health is one of those things that we just take for granted.  In a few weeks time it will be 4 years - YES - 4 years since I first realised that something was very wrong indeed.  About this time, 4 years ago, there had been one surprised moment when a small amount of blood came out when I urinated (I thought I had strained myself carrying a very heavy sanding machine up and down the stairs).  There were a couple of odd spots that appeared but nothing that made me ready for the sight that befell my eyes on the 2nd of July 2006.   The world cup was on then as it is now and David Beckham was captain of England.  We were playing Portugal and Wayne Rooney got sent off and we lost the game.  I was in a bit of a mess.  I arrived at my Hotel as the game started and went to the toilet.  I had been in the car for a good 4 hours I guess.  I had a full stream of blood coloured urine.  It was the most unearthly thing I had ever seen.  

I went to the shops and bought some cigars - I'd given up for a long time but needed something to calm me down.   I bought lots of different bottled drinks and water and tried in vain to drink them to stop the bleeding.  I went to the restaurant, had more drinks but nothing helped.  I remember ringing my wife in quite a state and explaining what had happened.  I had to do three days work and planned coming home on the Thursday and so an Appointment was made for me to see the doctor on Friday.  The rest is history (see beginning of this blog).  So the world cup means a different thing to me as it will always coincide with my finding out that I had bladder cancer, something that wasn't fully diagnosed until the 21st July almost three weeks later.

My how things move on.  I'm still here - Hurrah!!!!  I intend to be here in another 4 years too and in 4 years after that.  I wont push my maker with any more than that - I'm sure I've pushed my favours in that respect as far as the envelope will go.  I reflect and know that I'm still happy with my lot and privileged to be here. 

Back to exercises

30 minutes worth this evening which went OK - I've ramped up another 10 minutes and it seemed to go fine.  Based on this I reckon I could do 40 minutes if needed but I'll see how I get on.  I managed to eat very little today which I was quite pleased with too.  I hope that I'll see some further improvement over time in weight and in my shape.

I've just spent another 30 minutes messing around with network problems and router issues.  Conflicting IP addresses and a wire which had fallen out all make for an annoying end to the day.  I need to go and get into bed and calm down.  It makes me really angry that everyone has had issues all night but no one has told me until I found out for myself.  When I start doing something everyone says its been like that for hours!!!  I'm at a loss as to why no one tells me these things in the first place.  I could have cured it straight off if Ii'd had the facts in the first place.

Just another thing that is sent to try me..

Technology makes

My life slower.  The internet is running like a dog this morning - the router is intermittent, the major PC of the house is on a go slow and I'm beginning to lose patience with the whole thing.  It is beautiful and sunny outside and perhaps I might just take a walk out if the situation doesn't improve.

I certainly need to do some exercise.  Whilst I probably burnt off lots of calories in nervous energy I put most of that back on with the couple of beers I had and the food I ate, even if I was concious of what I was eating.

We have a lot of work to do in the next 6 months and I'm taking in just how much of that is on my shoulders as the operational "expert".  We have a good team but one that isn't full time or one that cannot actually spend more than the odd day here or there.  We are going to find it hard going I think unless I can find an interim financier.  But that is the excitement of the whole enterprise and part of the reason for doing it. 

I need to keep focussed on being well and fit as I will need to be that to put this much effort in over the 6 month run.  I like it that people think we are "brave" to give up our day jobs to try this out but if we didn't take this journey then we will never know if we could have achieved it or not.  Both of us are cancer survivors and have a different view about the life we now have bequeathed to us.  That too makes the journey important.

I am Shattered

Having battled with the M25 (London orbital motorway) or as we know it locally - "the Car Park" I arrived on Monday to a lovely hotel in the Surrey countryside and we have just finished three days of the most intensive sort of work - we called it "boot Camp" and it feels like it.  I am going to retire after a not too bad journey home.  

I#ve been pretty good with my eating but we have mostly sat around this week and so Ii don't expect that I've lost any weight - in fact I expect to have put a bit on.  A barbecue beckons on Saturday which I may try and escape from if Ii can....

My head is definitely spinning away so I need to get some shut eye and I've agreed not to do any of this work until the weekend just so we can "come down" from the intensive workshops we have been doing giving us all a chance to calm down..  It is all good stuff but amazingly challenging and at the same time really exciting.  

Well here I go

Off for a few days now to get cracking on some business ideas at our "Boot Camp".  We have a Hotel for 3 days to thrash out our business plans and to try and focus on what we need to do in the next 6 months.

I'm quite excited by the prospect and this should get us charged up and ready to go for sure.  The odd bit of work I am doing for the charity is a bit - well - distracting and so I hope this will give me the direction and the focus I require.

I might get to blog whilst I am away - if not - I'll be back on Wednesday evening and will add something then.

Weight

Just broke off from the Germany Australia game to measure myself and I'm surprised that I weigh 16 stone and 10 pounds.  Which is a lot less than I expected.  So that's 234 pounds.  I say I'm surprised because I've been out a couple of times this week.  However, I have been very good on eating and exercise so perhaps that accounts for it.

That's the end of an era

Last meeting as Secretary - had many plaudits and was made a fuss over.  Mind you it wasn't helped by a very nice guy reporting on my health but not getting it quite right.  He made it sound like the tumour was still in me and that they were waiting for it to grow to whip it out in July.  Which of course is wrong and what is actually happening is that it is already gone and they are taking a peek and some more tests.

England versus US at Soccer today.  Mmmm 1 : 1 not great and we always make it difficult for ourselves. Of course it was England playing on 2nd July 2006 when I found out that things weren't right with me.  It is coming up to my 4th anniversary with that and suddenly it seems a distant memory.

Life is funny and it throws some strange stuff at you.  I have no idea what will happen to me in the next few months.  The new business venture, relationships with work colleagues at the place I've left and so many other things are happening I can hardly believe it.

Oh well - I'm sure they will all come out in the wash.  I must remember to publish my weight tomorrow.  It has taken a bit of a pounding this week and will next week as I am in a Hotel for 3 days!!

A bit slow today

Poor old chap I am.  Yesterday was full on and I managed to do about 12 hours work.  then I went to the wine bar!  That was OK apart from many raised eyebrows from people I knew - why?  Well I was sitting with one of my female colleagues and so everyone added 2 plus 2 and got to 7 or more for their answer!

Anyway, it was funny a little later on when someone bought us a bottle of wine (a whole bottle).  I told him that we were very grateful and that we would name our fist born child after him :-)  Well I thought it was funny anyway.  The trouble was that I really didn't want to drink that much wine and we were about to go home so it just caused me to drink more than I wanted and to get home late.  I do feel a little slow today consequently.

I see Microsoft is doing its usual trick and loading updates and getting me to reboot my machines it's all very well but I've hardly got anything done whilst I wait for one or other of them to settle down.

I need to get some exercise today too so perhaps I'll have a go at that before dinner.  I'm out tomorrow and I am preparing for that but it just seems to be taking for ever to get the PC to boot up again and to finish the work I started about 2 hours ago.  In the time taken to write this blog the PC has rebooted but none of the programmes are actually working at the moment - sometimes PCs are rubbish.

Got the exercise in

So I managed to get 20 minutes in tonight too. I'm walking a lot tomorrow so that will be my exercise for Thursday. I'm up to my eyeballs in work on Friday and over the weekend and then I'll be off for the three day new business workshop. I've finished off my actions and mailed them out. now I re-read them I see there are some typos in there but hey - that is Microsoft for you, this new office suite is horror and it reverts to different languages and changes things on the fly all the time. Worst days work I ever did was upgrading and in upgrading it has lost its speech to text dictation capability which I used to use. GGGgrrrrrr.

Off to bed early as I have a very long day tomorrow.

I'm feeling good but isn't it strange I can still feel the ache in the back of my hand where they stick the cannula every time I have an operation. Not long to wait now - a month today I have my pre assessment and in just 5 weeks my next operation....

Day 3

I did well today - kept to diet and I didn't go silly last night so was fine getting up this morning.  I feel a lot better than I normally do - I am guessing that the exercise has done that.  I missed out tonight on that but will have a chance to do some in a short while as I have finished my work for now.  It is amazing how much work you can clatter through when you are motivated.  Also though - I was out this morning - which slowed up progress.

Into London tomorrow for a big all day meeting where they want me to work late.  I can't believe it yet they have used loads of my time this last few days but I will bill them for it.

I feel like I have lost a bit of weight already which is good.  I can certainly feel it around my middle.

The major work starts next week on the business front.  I am really looking forward to getting going on Monday when we will thrash out the detailed plans. 

Day 2

Well - so far it has gone quite well. I'm out tonight for a few beers but managed to control myself at lunch time and breakfast these days consists of fruit and not much else. I bought myself a little fresh parmesan so I can flake it onto my salad with some sun dried tomatoes to go with it.

Another 20 minutes hard exercise using the 3 hills in 20 minutes not climb a mountain programme as I did yesterday. It has the desired effect of getting a sweat up and I actually felt quite good after it.

The truth being known I felt quite good this morning too which was great. I actually noticed that my skin felt different and I think this is one of those early signs that the blood is beginning to flow around a bit. I'm hoping to make sure that I try and exercise each day where I'm not getting out and about. If I can do this every day I reckon that will make me lose weight a lot quicker and feel better too.

The new venture stepped up a pace today yet again as my business partner and I thrashed out some more details. This time next week I imagine we will be very tired but really charged up about the business as we will be just over half way through our kick off workshops. There is a long way to go yet but the excitement mounts. At the moment we are both poised to get going but we let the brakes off next week :-)

Things are good at the moment.

Lifelites Promotional Film

This is Lifelites promotional video. It shows the work they do in children's hospices in the UK. For the past 2 years I've been lucky enough to work alongside the team at Lifelites and their work is fantastic - just watch this to see what they do.  

Exercise Sucks

Which is why you should wash your mouth out with chocolate!

I cannot remember where I saw that but it amused me. I've had a full on day and as the title may give away, I have just come off my Cross-Trainer after a 20 minute work out - somehow I chose the one which simulates going up a mountain but hey ho I still managed it but crawled for the last 2 minutes of the routine. I'm just cooling down now before hitting the shower.

This seems to be a reasonable way of setting my day up. I can get up early and get cracking for work and then at the end of the day can do a half an hour session and get ready for some dinner.

I've been really good today and eaten primarily fruit and salads with some oily fish slung on top of that. Tonight will again be a salad - and in the summer I don't mind those - with perhaps a little home cooked ham.

I'm out tomorrow at lunch and in the evening but I will just try and be sensible if I can. Beer and alcohol are high in carbs and if I can miss those out then I have a fighting chance of losing this weight. Mrs. F. says I look slimmer already around the waist which is where most of the excess weight is doing the opposite of hiding :-)

Oh well, Exercise Sucks but if it means I can fit back into my suits and clothes in a few months I will be pleased. Better still if I have to buy new :-)

The New Dawn

Well today I start the new job in anger.  Unlike many jobs though, I actually know what I am doing as I am my own boss.  I have a good head start.  All change, so work and I turn a corner today.  I really hope that I can lose weight and run this venture as well as maintaining a good balance between everything.

Exciting times!

Weight

Well here we go:

Tonight my weight is 238 pounds or 17 stones exactly.  That's dressed and in cotton socks :-)

I've decided to measure this weekly and see how I am getting along.  Steve in the US will also be tagging along too.  It isn't England versus the US - that happens later in South Africa at the World Cup - Soccer.  

I am also taking other measurements and my blood pressure to see if I can correlate the new diet with my exercises and relate that to general health and well being.

I also realise that next week will be a bit more of a challenge as I will be staying at a Hotel for 3 days!

Anyway, it all starts tomorrow - I hope to get off to a flying start with the new business and just hope the guys at the charity will not be asking me too many questions or asking too much of me.

Tired few days

I've been making sure everything goes smoothly this week and handed over my job to my successor.  Unfortunately there was more work to do and I ended up doing that Friday morning but I can bill that of course.  It just meant that I was pretty tired and just had so many things to do.

The village has a festival of music this weekend so we are going to that.  It is beautifully amateurish as they haven't even produced a flyer letting us know what is going on yet.  Doh!  It starts in a few hours so we will just wander up there and see what is to do.

Mrs. F. reckons that I've lost a couple of handles off of my waist these past few weeks.  I'm getting ready for the transatlantic weight loss challenge.  I will be regularly updating the blog on how I am doing.  I'm being pretty good about the food I eat and have managed to change over and not get too upset over not eating the quantities or types of food I used to have.  I am also going to have to watch out for beer drinking - I tend to enjoy a beer or two with my friends and I have 2 or 3 more meetings coming up that will seriously set back my weight loss plan.  After that though I imagine it will be a little easier to not drink as there aren't too many meetings happening again until September.

It should be fun I reckon.

New Venture Gets Ever Nearer

The excitement mounts as we spent today arranging the hotel and meeting room and the agenda and all its elements.   We had a productive day looking back at the work we have already done and were pretty satisfied that we have picked up quite a lot of the elements already undertaken.

The hotel is booked and as of next Monday I am on this almost full-time.  I have a bucket-load of work to do and just hope that I can get a good run at it to start things off with.   It is inevitable that there will be a few minor distractions but as long as I remain disciplined it should be OK.

What is amazing is just how much work there is to do still - we are talking many man months and we've already been at this a couple of years...  

Relief

Well it was as if Thursday night had never happened.  Thank goodness for that.  I managed to find a couple of occasions where we would be alone to chat if that was needed and nothing at all so I think I got away with it and it was just the wine talking.   That also makes sense over something else that was said too so all that brain work was for nothing but, it may have been different - you shoud always prepare and, as my colleague reminds me, you should always be living in the "now" as the past and future are not the place to be.

Deep stuff he comes out with - it messes with your head!!

Still home alone so happy enough.  A day of work tomorrow on the new venture and see how my replacement has managed when I get in Thursday.

A quiet household

It is nice to have some time to myself.  I don't mind it at all.  In fact I prefer it in some ways.  I can spend a lot of time resolving problems and getting myself sorted out for this week.

Tomorrow I hand over to my replacement and I start to ease out of the job.  Iin addition I will also try and find out quite what went on Thursday night and whether I need to worry or not.  All very intriguing and who knows what will happen.

Steve in the US has just come back from a wonderful road trip, you have to envy the space and countryside around where he lives - it is breathtaking scenery.   It makes me more determined than ever to get myself into a situation where I can see a little bit more of the states than Buffalo (from the Canadian side) and spending a few minutes in Seattle en route to Squamish Falls in Canada.  In a 'hands across the ocean' move we are going to publish our weight weekly on our blogs on a Monday.  It seems a good way to get some friendly rivalry on getting our respective weights somewhere back to normal.  It will give both of us a target to aim at and that can only be a good thing.   The dreaded exercise is heaving into view so I had better dust that off and work out what sort of routine I need to follow.  I think I will try and do an hour or so walk a day if I can too.

I'll be freed up from work this week and so we will start on 7th June and may the best man win by losing :-) 

Well this made me laugh

Bladder Alert funny HERE .  I had to do a recent document in Welsh for work and it is really strange to see your words and the Welsh side by side.  I think that this is just one of those quaint things we do in the UK that the world must love us for.  We also have great fun laughing at ourselves.  I hope you enjoy it.

Diet Smiet

Well it seems to be going OK and I'm now actually beginning to like rabbit food - official!!  As a colleague of mine says - he doesn't like any sort of food that takes more calories to chew than what you get out of it.   In a way - that is the point surely?

I'm slowly losing weight although I'm not measuring it.  I want to make sure that I've finished work before that starts so I can get into a new routine.

I feel healthy enough - I just wish I could lose all the weight tomorrow rather than over the next 6 months.....

Saturday

A wet Saturday and I've tidied up my office a bit more but I'm still trying to tackle A's problems on her PC Presentation.  I'm no MAC user so it could be that but her presentation is definitely suffering from lack of pictures.  As I write we have success - it appears that A forgot to actually put them into the presentation itself linking them somehow so they showed on her MAC but not my PC.

Other than that - not a great deal is happening at the moment.  I'm continuing on my veg and fruit mainly diet.  I'm feeling quite good about it and feel well but I haven't bothered to weigh myself or any of that sort of stuff at the moment.  I know that my trousers feel a bit looser and so as long that continues slowly then I will be happy.  If I can lose enough to get into Hospital feeling a little fitter than I am now I will be happy.

Mrs F and A & L are off to Cornwall on Monday returning Friday - that will be nice giving me a few days on my own.  I'm quite happy on my own and can use the time to get myself ready for the new business and the challenges ahead.

Disturbing

I'm still a little disturbed about Thursday night but I'm hoping that it will all be OK on Tuesday.  I am still surprised how my colleagues are reacting to me "going".  They really are a bit upset about it but they'll still see me from time to time.  

I think that I've brought order into the place and they may be worried that it is going.  Luckily for them they can get me back when they want - at rather good rates I think :-)

It is stupidly late again and I really ought to go to bed but my brain is just whizzing around again.   I'm getting quite excited about the new venture and in a few weeks we will be setting out to make things happen.  I've got my new white board and flip chart - I can't think without drawing.  I've got my micro cassettes for recording sessions and ideas and my office is almost becoming clear too.

I must not forget to complete the accounts for my Lodges as they all end on 31st May.  That means I had better get my finger out and resolve all the issues I've had with them these past 2 years.

Strange Evening

I had a surreal evening.  Is this where I say something like I had a surreal evening it happened yesterday lunchtime....

Maybe I should say that it was one of those evenings where something strange happened.  I can't say too much except that I think I was propositioned - which is very nice you may think.  However it was just strange as it came from out of absolutely nowhere and I'm really taken aback and a little confused to say the least.  I have the weekend and the Bank Holiday to think about but I have to go into work on Tuesday and see if anything has changed.

I could be reading a lot into it but as I was doing my usual trick when situations like this arise - I go into brain spin mode and analyse the thing many ways.  So right at this moment I've no idea if it was what I thought it was or one of the other 20 answers my head has devised.  In all likelihood it will be too much "wine talking" and be a nothing event.  I hope so, it could be damn embarrassing otherwise...

On my fruit and veg only kick today which should be fun.  I'm certainly feeling a bit better these days having kept away from my usual fare and I hardly had any bread this week.  Now to face up to the exercise regime :-)  As my esteemed co-blogger Steve in the US says "Exercise Sucks!" How true...

Stamina

It is a constant this tiredness and sudden weariness.  It is nowhere as near as bad as it was a year and two years ago but I still get times, like today, when after a days work I'm beginning to feel very tired.  

I am hoping that some exercising (I know no one likes it) will start to bring me around and my diet is beginning to pay off - I can feel clothes fitting a little more loosely than they did two weeks ago so that is good.  I don't do all this weighing and measuring every few days as it doesn't really achieve anything.

Work tomorrow and Thursday and then I'm off until Tuesday when my replacement starts.  A couple of days work with him and I will be able to edge out and into this new venture.  Even doing today's meeting and going through some of the detail of what we will be getting up to once we kick off the business was a charge but obviously not enough to keep me awake in the early evening. :-)

Can I help you?

I was out with Flocky tonight for a beer and a curry - I enjoy his company and he is one of very few people that know me on the blog and personally. Perhaps only GH knows me as well as Flocky does but I meet Flocky a lot more and we have some really interesting, deep and personal conversations.

Tonight we chewed over the fact that we have a mutual friend who just wont let us in. We only get to see part of him, the part he wants us to see. His wife and children are not known by their real names and work, social and personal are separate things that never mingle. Because we aren't that near we can't actually be friends in terms of advice for fear of breaking the friendship rules or stepping over the mark and be seen as being critical when we actually mean to be helpful. I was out with him on Friday and just couldn't get beyond the persona that he projected.

On an entirely different note I still find it incredible that people think of me as some sort of role model in the cancer fight. I still maintain I'm not special excepting that I really think I have a privileged insight to the workings of the human mind when confronted with such a dangerous disease. Also, of course, the opposite being true that I cannot understand all the dross that goes on in the world, all the angst and petty nonsense that the TV shows us of the plastic lives of the minor lower class of notorietied class. Who are these so called "celebrities" and why is everyone so fixated on these low achievers who think they have some great message to tell us all. Every time one of them opens their mouths they spout some sort of insipid drivel and hollow observation of why they aren't getting the breaks that some other botoxed out bimbo is.

Is our world so f****** stupid as to encourage and allow these shallow impressions of humanity to enter our lives and even to try and influence our thoughts and actions? judging from the dregs of humanity that were in the pub today with their loud phones, cackling, squawking witch like laughs, their total lack of anything interesting to say except 'init' which seemed to be the most used phase of the day and their lack of dress sense which showed their tattoos off in such a bad light I begin to fear for society.

Mind you - it might just be me - perhaps I am now turning into my parents!!! Or have turned into the person they warned me about when I was little!

A Scorcher and I'm Indoors

Doh!

I was about to work on my stuff but needed to bring forward some work for the charity and deliver it a few days early so I ended up doing that rather than my own work. Oh well, no problems at least I can invoice them without feeling bad.

It is boiling hot outside and so we got the fans down and have those pushing hot air around my office. Air Con would be nice - maybe if I find it too hot I'll do that.

So back to health and all that stuff. I am quite pleased that I am sticking to my diet although I am still a bit shy of getting on my exercise cross trainer. I need to face up to that sooner rather than later. Well I'll soon have no excuse as I will be home and so should fit that or some heavy waking into my routine. Maybe I'll do a two or three mile walk every day in the lovely countryside around here. That way I'd get some fresh air to start my day and I could also go down via the shops and pick up fresh stuff each day! There's an idea.

Flocky is popping over on his way home from work and we are going to do some paperwork then go for a diet busting beer and a curry - oh well all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Black Humour

I'm a bit "bad" at this sort of humour.  I've had a great day today and really burnt up loads of documents and ripped through lots of reading material.  Sat outside most of the day and then I was talking with Mrs. F. about life the universe and all that good stuff.  Well actually about the new venture.  Now she isn't convinced but realised that if I didn't go and do this then I'd probably implode or explode such is the nature of the person I am.  It isn't my fault (honest).

So I explain that the issues are really about getting major finance and that the odds are 98 to 2 against.  In other words I stand a 2 in 100 chance of getting the finance I need to make things happen and if I don't get them - well - I just have to go and do something else.  At the moment, failure is not an option.  A bit like my University course a while back.  None of us could have predicted how ill I was going to be and that I'd lose so much time that I could not carry on.

So back to the black humour.  I said that I reckoned that we would either be really enjoying life this time in two years time - either that or I'd be hanging on being really ill about to die.  Now - Mrs. F. and I found that funny as she reckons I'd do that just to spite her.  Absolutely right!  

A lovely day

A blazing sunny day, really warm up in the top 20 degrees C that is.  I'm under the Parasol working away on my PC and notes for the new venture.  It feels like cheating - surely I should be doing this indoors and sweating over my desk?  Of course not it is almost decadent.  Additionally a nice bottle of Cava is chilling in the Fridge.

A week of eating salads and being good on my diet and I can actually feel different as I'm almost vegetarian at the moment with all the salad stuff I am having.  Breakfast was tomatoes, Mushrooms and Bean sprouts :-) quite yummy actually and less than a 100 calories I reckon.

I actually feel slightly thinner and feel a little better in myself which is great.  I am begining to get excited about getting on with the new venture and I have my last day at the Office on the 3rd June as a full-time consultant and I now go on 4 days a month based at home and the office as required.  Interestingly I have to go back in on the 10th June to run a workshop which I will be involved with for much of the summer.  I need to work on the messages to suppliers, Provinces and staff.  It is a strange situation and basically I need to get over that I'm not leaving but I'm also not doing what I used to as my replacement will need to pick that up and run with it.  I'm sure he will pick it up easily as he is a quick witted and intelligent guy.

Oh well back to this lovely summers day and brain dumping all my business ideas onto paper and onto the PC.  It's a hard job but someone has to do it.

Just how serious is it?

Tonight they read out a bit about me and how things were "a little disappointing and a set back".

Isn't it funny that many were just "amazed" at my temperament and good humour and that I was always smiling and laughing and joking.   Which got me thinking about whether or not I was actually treating this seriously?  Most people were treating me with reverential awe tonight and suddenly I got to be thinking - "Am I treating this seriously enough?"

You see I don't think that this is a death sentence or that it I;m being heroic or any other thing really.  I'm getting on with my life and accepting that it wont be the same again (I'm not really accepting it easily but I have to pragmatically realise that it is).

I'm being a little shining beacon and I suppose when you look at the other members of the Lodge who had Cancer and died quickly then I'm the exception.  I want to scream out to everyone that this is more likely the case these days.  Am I smiling and cheerful because I don't understand how serious this is?  Well what do you think?

I'm doing this because it is more likely today if you catch these things early that you will survive.  You know - I may end up having some significant surgery but because they found this early I have the option.   Many people, afraid to ask their doctor paid a higher price than the loss of an organ or some other radical work.

I think that I will always portray the outward message that Cancer is a huge threat but you can overcome much of it.  I like to think that a wimp like me can give someone who is really having a hard time with cancer the right sort of hope.   It is almost 4 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still here.  I intend to be here in 5, 10 and 15 years too.  I'm not counting too much after that as I do admit that I abused my body in my youth.  I still advise anyone I meet to ask of themselves whether a job is really worth burning yourself out for and in the long term harming your health.  But then again, when I was 19 I knew better than everyone else.  I think it is a pretty harsh lesson to come to terms with later in life when you suddenly realise you are mortal.

I feel humbled that people believe that I am somehow special or brave.  I can show you far braver people than me.  I can show you courage - just see our service men and women abroad and the high costs they pay for our freedom.  No, I'm not brave but I do believe in standing up and being an example that I will not kowtow to this pernicious disease and that I will not give up the fight to be well again and to live as long as I can.

I saw some petty stupid squabbling tonight - nothing that made any sense at all, people getting mad over nothing.  Guys - get real, no one died, life's too short, all this stress and agony over nothing.  What on earth is wrong with human kind if trivia is worth getting upset about.  Obviously one person didn't learn from the words that were said about me.  Life is important, charity, truth and balance.  Time for each other and a healthy respect for all our cultures and beliefs but don't get all humpty over what you thought you heard or some other such infantile nonsense.  Grow up!  

I should get my magic wand out - I want to change the world but no one seems to want to change with me.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Gets off soap box and goes to bed :-)

Work today

Was strange.  I am pulling away from work but had shed loads to do.  I managed most of it but as usual there are always those last minute things to do.  I had to tell the boss that I hadn't done something he wanted but his instructions were quite woolly and so he can talk to the designers himself.  the big job got signed off and hopefully we will see some samples as the new guy starts.

I've agreed my exit strategy with the boss too.  Amazingly I managed to somehow screw up my diary for the next few weeks.  I will set too tomorrow and sort this out.  In reality it means that in 2 weeks time I can exit pretty much and hand over most of what I am doing excluding some strategy stuff.  That will allow me to do some work with the new guy and to start to set out my strategy workshops and positioning documents.

Work continues on the new opportunity and we are setting up a set of away days to do our boot camp and thrash out many of the issues on the company and what we plan to do.  If you happen to have a few million spare - let me know :-)  It is all getting pace and momentum behind it and the excitement is building.

Making a start

At last I made some big inroads into getting myself organised and sorted out.  I even managed to write a couple of positioning papers for the business. Funnily enough the urgent job of yesterday fell onto a designer who wasn't at work today so that was funny.  Everyone panicking about whether things would get done when in fact no one was there to do them and as predicted, I kind of hinted they shouldn't leave it to the last minute.

In to the office tomorrow for a thrash at the outstanding work I have to do.  I hope that I will get the opportunity to complete most of it and just get on there after.  I am not around there on Friday but may need to do a few days more next week.  I must clear my office and desk etc ready for the new guy too.

Which part of

I am not going to be around today did they not get?

Typical - I explain that I am away all day and that I'm only coming in one day this week.  So they send me an email with urgent actions on it.  I've just seen it and can't do much with it until tomorrow.  I can't believe it - after having it for weeks they now want to make wholesale changes.  I'm happy for them to do that but I can't do it for them - I've been working all day long on my new venture and I'm charged now.  I'm only looking to be in for the odd day here and there.   I think I will have to make sure that they realise that.

We've had a brilliant day today and this evening I must have done 6 or 7 hours non stop on business planning.  I hope I can get to sleep tonight my brain is going wizzzzz right now :-)

I'm gradually changing my diet - I actually like soups and salads and the like so the rabbit food seems to be alright.  It is now time to tackle exercise and how I will incorporate that into my life in the future.  I walked perhaps 3 miles a day normally so maybe I will have an early morning walk every day and if it is raining use my cross trainer.  I need to get out of what I am trying to do at the moment though as it is just crazy trying to do two things at once.

The Simple Life

It would be good to have that early years view of life.  everything was simple and nothing was like it is when you are older.  All the many things happening at once and all the baggage you collect along the way. 

My life has always been complicated but at the moment so much is happening that I find it difficult to disentangle myself from my present job to get on with my new one.  I force myself not to go to work and that is fine.  It makes it difficult to withdraw from the job when they (and I) suddenly realise how much I am woven into the organisation.  I had not realised that I was relied on quite so deeply.  

Tomorrow I have a further meeting with my business partner and gradually it dawns on me that we have come along way with this project since it was kicked into life in 2007.  Back then I was only reviewing the documents as a peer but later I produced much of the operational and financial documentation and some of the business plan.  Now we see that documented we can begin to move forward with a bit more confidence.

Not long now - 2nd and 3rd week in June we should get a march on and get the business rolling.  Goodness knows we have done enough work already and then I hope I can be free of the charity work for a while to let me run up to July and my operation and whatever that holds for me.

Holidays - no one has made up their minds and this volcanic ash cloud keeps the threat of dealyas and cancellations.  A has a holiday booked in June so I hope it doesn't affect her plans.  I wait to see whether we will have a holiday or not this year.  As luck would have it my replacement arrives in the week that Mrs. F. and the girls are going away - I should have been with them - but have to hand over my job to my successor and that I have a series of meetings planned.  Typical!!  Mind you I did ask them months ago to give me the dates and they only gave them to me last week so that may be the problem.  A week on my own won't be too sad though - I quite like spending a bit of time on my own.

Melancholy

That is what it is Melancholy.  I feel very much that at the moment.  I say that as someone reported on my health to our Lodge yesterday and it suddenly made me sit up and listen to how other people receive, perceive, interpret and pass on that information.  It was pretty accurate in terms of what was going on and it was interesting to hear the words "set back" and "not as serious as first thought" and so on but at the end of the day, it did set me back and inevitably I am now getting the blues about it.

Everything is changing and I found out that I'm not the happy chappy I like to think I am just before I go into Hospital.  I thought I kept myself to myself but obviously I become a bit of a snappy chappy not a happy chappy....  I'd better watch out for that in the future I suppose.

Inevitably though - I'm reminded that I've got this thing that may or may not bring back cancer to my bladder and that is very disturbing indeed.  July will sort that out I suppose and I'll just have to get on with whatever comes about from that.  

So for the moment with leaving work behind and all that jazz and then starting my new business everything is a bit up and down.  

Better this morning

Thank goodness.  Blimey I got to near my 50s and my body has decided to fall apart on me :-)

Crazy stuff, a cut just on the entry to my ear is what it is.  I have no idea how I did it perhaps a fingernail but whatever it isn't inner ear but obviously was enough trauma to affect my balance.

Anyway - Lodge meeting today - then almost the Summer off.  Another meeting coming up later in the week followed by my last big meeting as Secretary in 4 weeks time.  Today I get to see one of my candidates complete his journey and I do a bit of work and provide the other one with his certificate. 

The stupid bank that I am a signatory for thinks I am a new customer - even though I've banked with them for in excess of 10 years their records don't show me.  What?????  Bunch of useless pratts no wonder the world went into melt down if they've been honouring the cheques I have been signing for 10 years but don't recognise me in their records.  You couldn't make it up.  So I've sent one of "my letters" which points out how many accounts I have with them, how many times I've been in to branch and that they might like to open the file up to see who I might be.  Ridiculous waste of time and effort.  Is it me or the word full of people who take no responsibility and have no common sense whatsoever.  They should be slapped hard until they come to their senses god for nothing jobs-worths.  

I'm still not happy about my letter from the Hospital - it paints dark clouds for me.  Maybe it is just the way that it is there in black and white so you can't get away from what is says?  I need to get my head around it pretty damn quickly though and move on.

Dizzy, I'm so Dizzy

My head is spindling, etc etc etc.  Enough of the 60s songs.

Well, what a strange day - I feel quite light headed and ever so slightly off balance (my friends know I'm out of balance most of the time anyway).  No more ear bleeding thank goodness.  I'd quite forgotten how it feels when your ears start playing up.  It's like having a mild form of seasickness all the time.

Off to bed to see if I can get a good night's rest.

Oh no what's happening now?

Was at a meeting in London - all the great and good were there - I am an honoured guest and suddenly, I put my gloved hand to my ear and as I pull it away it is bright red with blood from my ear!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHH !!!! What is that I wonder.  So smack in the middle of the meeting I have to make tracks and take myself to the first aid man to get some bandages etc.  I've got an ear bleed like you'd have a nose bleed.  It is flowing out nicely for about an hour and then as fast as it started it stops?  What a nightmare.  I look a right idiot having to get up in the meeting.  Those local to me see my red blood stained gloves and recognise that something is awry.  Word spreads but goodness me what on earth just happened?  I've had ear problems all my life but never had an ear bleed.  Yuk...

My mate who has been giving me grief for weeks if not months has a job to go to next week.  It is hard work but I know he will do well at it.  Does this mean that Flcoky and I will get an easier time?  I hope so.

I have my detailed letter from the Hospital and it doesn't make god reading to me but it states I have a small recurrence which is a G2pTa.  Where before I had a G3pTa bladder TCC and CIS.  The worry is "If he continues to get recurrences he may require some more invasive treatment in the future".  Oh bollocks.... We did discuss this.  

Here I am back to the months after I started the first time.  Today's episode just shows what bad shape I am in.  I'm mortified for the moment and need to come to terms with it once again.  When it is in writing it just looks so much worse than what I thought it was and what it probably is!

Bad news is - at this moment - I'm really quite down about it and that is just because I've had a good evening and  arrived to find this here.

Ha somebody doesn't get that I'm leaving the organisation

So funny.  I  asked for input to a document and got a load of old tosh back that I'd already condemned.  I am going to have a bit of fun and ask them to rework it and that when I get back next week it had better be ready....

I have had a busy day clearing the files and getting things finished and for the last time have sat here and stuffed well over 130 envelopes with Summons, dining slips, minutes, notices and all that gumpf plus sealed them, written letters, affixed stamps, emailed hundreds of others and so on.

That is about the end of it now and I retire as Secretary at the June meeting and can at last relax and enjoy myself and not have hours of sorting stuff out.  Six years is enough and of course for 4 of them I wasn't particularly well either.

I'm trying to sort out my diary so as not to be in the office too much at all between now and when the new guy starts.  I also need to set a reasonable rate to ensure that I am used sparingly and not used too much because it is cheap to do so.  I can bring that in to play when I have given the new guy a couple of days handover in June.

The new venture is starting to gain pace as we head towards what we are calling 'boot camp' where we intend to spend about three days locked away to develop our business strategy and go to market models.  We have two years of work behind us already that we need to review before then.  

I'm feeling very positive about things at the moment and slowly the diet is changing and I feel that I am also beginning to spend the right levels of energy on things now.  I just need to get some discipline into my working to ensure that I actually start aligning effort and achievement.  Most important. 

Work followed by a meeting tomorrow up in London.  London is fun at the moment as there are hundreds of elephants everywhere.  The one in Coutts Bank is covered in pearls and jewels and they are on the South Bank, Covent Garden and just about anywhere you care to look.  It is all about protecting / saving Asian elephants.  London is a great place to work - sometimes.....

Confirmation of my replacement at work

Great - 1st June start which I thought would happen.  It looks good as I can set him off and just keep an eye on things as they transpire.

I need to get away from the clawing pull of work and get on to my own thing.  That is really beginning to take a hold now.  I need to give it a proper run though as it is my money and my time going into it.  I wonder what things will be like this time next year?  

I continue to make gradual changes to my lifestyle and slowly change my diet.  I've been burnt in the past with too much change too quickly.  I hope that these together with a more disciplined working life and exercise (there I said it) will start to turn my lethargy around.  I am certain that the new work arrangements will make a difference - I'm certain of it in fact.

A couple of days off work and back on Thursday and off on Friday.  

How People Treat You

I've visited this subject before but I was thinking how much things have changed with my family probably more than other areas.  I had the shakedown of my friends almost 4 years ago now as some stepped up to the plate and other faded into the distance.

My family have been great really but that has been practical help and probably putting up with me when I haven't been that great myself.  Kudos to them but recently, because we never did discuss what the hell was wrong with me - they treat me like my Doctor treats me.  They see the illness in terms of black and white and miss out (probably rightly so) on the way it plays with your mind.  But that matter of fact remoteness which is pretty useful I imagine for them to deal with things means that I just happen to be another person in the house.  We dance around each other and then when we get a social event no one really bothered with me apart from me buying the drinks!  Really!  The girls have friends of their own and Mrs. F. was extremely busy chatting to everyone else so I spent quite a bit of the evening on my own sipping beer.  

I'm no great party animal but I can be and usually am fun at these sorts of things but I couldn't exactly amuse myself with my jokes and stories - I've heard them all before.   

I guess I felt I was being treated as some sort of Leper and that is why I wasn't particularly happy.

Well that told them

I did actually say something last night.  I was pretty unimpressed with the way I ended up basically on my own for most of the night.  Unlike me I decided I ought to say something and so did.  You can cut the atmosphere in here today with any kitchen implement you may wish to think of.

It is unlike me to be quite so angry and actually say something about it but I think that it is about time I said it as it is and how I feel.  

D is for Depression

The "D" word again.  I find that I'm upset by things I shouldn't be.  Surely those who are close to me now understand or being to understand the problems and trauma I live with?

Well, NO, they don't they blinkerdly piss me off regularly and all I really want is a moment or two of recognition of the agony and turmoil that I go through daily, hourly and I suppose most of my time.

I'm too much of a gentleman to actually say what is wrong.  I try and be blunt but actually I'm not very good at being an emotional outpouring person  

I need to start telling it as it is.  I'm the one getting hurt after all.  They don't know the damage they do to me.  I had a nice evening this evening but I spoke to a few people for a few seconds.  I spent the whole night on my own otherwise...... 

Slowly aligning to the new role

We have to start somewhere is the cry.  Indeed we do.  I need to get into reverse and get out of the office ASAP and start to set myself ready for starting with the new venture. 

It needs my full attention and my full time effort to ensure that I can make as good a go as possible of it.  Ultimately I need to get a lot (and I mean a lot) of finance to make it work and you can't do that in an amateur and part time fashion.  If I've learnt anything in the last two years doing it part time it is that.  Last night's meeting was funny when I explained why we needed to go full time.  "Why?" said one - "well, it took three weeks to arrange this meeting - isn't that a clue?"

I also reminded them that we had agreed to go and get finance by the end of June and that this was the first time we had met as a team since that time and all of us had a good reason or excuse but that it was close to half a year lost!  That's why it needs to be a full time effort.  No one realises or quite gets the scale of the proposition.

Anyway, exciting times to come I guess.   Off tonight to an 18th Birthday party - that will be fun.  L and her friend have new shoes.  So new and so steep are they that we have to drive them to and from the event when it is easily within walking distance!!!  It should be fun.

And so to business

We had a constructive meeting but not particularly a good one I felt tonight as one of the guys arrived late and so the conversation was a bit stilted.  However, enough progress was made to go forward.  We headed off to the Texas Embassy eating house near Trafalgar Square.  It was OK and I suppose I can at least say that I have been there.  If you like chillies with everything then this is your place.   I have to say that I can still taste the damn things.

A came and picked me up from the station as my shoes were rubbing a bit.  Not surprising I suppose as I have been on my feet a lot today.

I am feeling much shirker since I got the news and amazingly, the Hospital emailed me with a list of dates to have my operation.  That actually disturbed me a bit but perhaps the message about giving me advancce notice has gotten through.   Now we are checking our dates and I feel that I may choose the 16th July which is a Friday.  That might allow me to get home Friday night and have a weekend recuperation and that I can get working again on the Monday even if it is just at home.

I need to get the discipline of work back and I must ensure I get enough time together to give the new business a chance to survive.

The Morning After

Things seem to be quite good today. A little fragile emotionally - I guess that is relief rather than anything else.

Today is pretty important in terms of the founding of our new business. We meet with our original partners and have to have the "adult" conversation which revolves around us breaking away and making this happen (or not) and that is an option it could all be wasted time. They need to let us know what they are thinking and what - if anything - they want out of it. My business partner and I are now taking all the risks and we are the ones investing money, time and intellectual property on a full time basis.

I hope that they consider fully what our risks are as they are both in full time extremely well paid employment. For us it is a double whammy as we aren't earning anything, have to invest in costs to run a business and aren't paying ourselves either so 6 months is more like a year invested. Anyway, that is this afternoon's interesting meeting. I'm sure it will be business like.

So - not having BCG - what a bonus. I suppose as there was only one tiny tumour that it makes sense to check again and if there is a major outbreak then to consider what to do.

That's a Relief

I waited for an hour to see the specialist - an hour!!!!  Why don't they tell you at the time - you could go and get a beer or a cup of tea or something.   

I finally saw the Registrar and he explained that the tiny tumour WAS cancerous, was a Grade 2 so nowhere near what I had before with the 3 and the Carcinoma in Situ.   Then he said that they wanted to see me in July/August for a rigid Cystoscopy so that they could have another look and more biopsies and check once again on progress.   I was very young and had many years of life to go and they wanted to make sure that they kept me under observation - strange words but theirs...  

Relief?  I'll say,  blimey I was expecting Monday morning to be full on and BCGs kicking off once again.  I suppose it was good tactics to think like that and be pleased with the outcome but we also spoke about ongoing stuff and the potential to have a neo bladder (not from the Matrix) installed and all that but he did say that I was FAR away from that scenario.  As long as I didn't have anything nasty in me in July we could review the case again.

No one likes going into hospital - me more than many and yet I feel comfortable that I am getting this level of inspection.  It can't be cheap but if it keeps me alive and kicking then it is worth it.  Until you get to this stage of having cancer ( and I seriously hope you never do)  it sounds horrendous and yet, if it keeps you alive you will be surprised what you will put yourself through.

Septic Peg or Mystic Meg or

Who knows what will happen?

It is late Wednesday Night and the day of Judgement arrives very soon.  In about 11 hours I'll know what is going to happen to me.  I am primed to take a full re run of the BCG treatments, Operations and all that stuff and yet I'll be disappointed if that does happen.  I know I will be just devastated and yet - I know what the probable outcome is - we are strange creatures sometimes.

At the Lodge meeting the wave of goodwill washed over me and that was nice.  Is it only me who doesn't think it is that serious?  I have a healthy regard but I don't fear things as I used to.   I suppose we just heard that one of our members died from cancer in February - not the first in our Lodge by any means but I know that the worst scenario would be loss of bladder and possibly Prostate in the overall scheme of things and either a bag or a bladder made from other body parts - not bladder (where the problems are) bits at all.  That would actually mean no cancer at all but a different sort of life.

the "matter of fact" part is that - I am living with this, I can accept that it is my last option and I hope they don't say that tomorrow (or ever).  

I will have my future read tomorrow - not by some mystic or medium but by my Consultant.  She will give me the usual logical view of the world.  How I choose to deal with the truth will be be as much about my character as what will happen to my dreams and plans with my new business venture which will be an exciting journey whatever happens.  I hope that I live long enough to see some if not all of it fulfilled.

Finally, it is election day tomorrow in the UK.  I cast my votes last week as I am a Postal Voter.  Have been ever since I was called away on business and was unable to vote one year.  I believe that it is your civic duty to do that.  You cannot complain if you didn't vote - you only have yourself to blame and all the other people too lazy to exercise their democratic freedoms this way!!!!!  However, there is a fundamental thing here too.  People died to give me the vote and how dare I disgrace them and their memory by wasting my vote, built on the blood and sacrifice of the generations who have gone before.  I doubt many fought so that you could ignore it but maybe that is what freedom is about after all?

Me?  Well - I just want to get tomorrow out of the way so I can plan my future a bit better.  I do feel more trepidation than normal as I am uncertain what the results will bring.  I steel myself for bad news knowing that good news would really cheer me up.

As Steve Kelley in the US often reminds us - Judgement Day can be filled with great news, not so great news, bad news and worse than bad...  I hope for somewhere in the middle and wish for something a little higher.  Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday

Got my replacement sorted - I think he will be good for the company.   Had the big meeting - I got my words right and better still, had a good time except fencing off the question "How are you?"  It is never an easy answer is it?  Ideally I'm fine will do but I don't know that until Thursday so had to skirt the answer with reassurances from myself that I am OK.

Joy of joys Ii bumped into my friend from Denmark who gave me not one, not two but at least three huge bear hugs as he is wont to do.   Missed flocky not staying but we were happy enough with 4 of us on the table and our friends from Hervey Lodge too.  

Not long been home and feeling jaded - another big day tomorrow followed by Thursday and the Hospital.  I'm expecting bad news in a way.  I don't suppose that it can be anything less than 6 BCGs for me.  It will be a surprise if it is any less.

So here comes the busy week

It really is some week coming up:

8 tomorrow - interview with my probable successor

12 tomorrow - on duty for major meeting

7 tomorrow evening dinner

Wednesday all day meeting followed by Lodge meeting back here

Thursday - Judgement Day - I find out how well I am and what I need to undergo to stay as well as I am now.

If time Thursday lunchtime - London Lunchtimers meeting

Friday is the New Business divorce day.  We meet our old partners and set down where we are going and what we intend to do.  We get a clean break and have some sort of tie in that takes their influence away from the new business.  After that - my business partner and I can get moving. I am looking forward to the challenge immensely.

Of course the highlight of the week will be my visit to the Hospital on Thursday morning.  I will either go to London or perhaps wander back via the pub.... drowning any disappointments as necessary.

Helping a Friend

How much do you charge a friend of Mrs. F. for sorting out their PC?  It was a total of 1 hours work and actually was easy to solve once I realised what was going on.  I didn't need to use my amazing gizmos to go tackle a virus, that had already been found and dealt with.  The association file was corrupted in vaulting and destroying the virus.  Easy enough to cure once I found the registry thing.

So what do you charge?  I made a token figure of £10 but she gave me £15 which she felt happy with.  If you had to do this on-line it would have cost close to £45 but that is extortionate.  Goodness knows how much everyone has to pay to sort out problems on the computers caused by their anti virus software identifying a virus (as it is meant to do) and then messing the system up.   Once I had cured that, of course, suddenly there were loads of updates streaming through and they probably had to sit there updating their machine for hours.  

Why should anyone have to spend hour doing that sort of thing?  I hope that, in my new business venture, no one will ever have to worry about that ever again.  Now to go find a venture capitalist who sill fund us to build it......

Sunday

My wedding anniversary - 29 years with Mrs. F.   A nice meal last night with some friends and today has been a quiet sort of day so far.  I have to go over and sort out someone's PC later today.  Some sort of virus issue and so I've got my small box of tricks ready to go and tackle that.

L is our working and A will also go to work later on today too.  I can't complain about that as they are both earning their own money and that has to be good for them for their future too.  A came back from a trip to Scotland yesterday, ate and went off to work....  

Me?  I've got my preferred replacement coming in on Tuesday morning for a 2nd interview and he has sent me some of his work which looks to me to be far superior to that I've managed to do so I am hoping we can get him on board and get him on board as soon as possible.

I hope that I can release myself from the office as soon as possible after that though as I need to take on some of my new business work beginning in June.  Perhaps a blitz on a few publications and a hard few days working from home will see me able to resolve that.

Thursday Looms Large

And, to be honest I'm crapping myself about what they are going to say.  Sorry for that term but I was trying to think how to say that in a less crude and more erudite way and yet, that WAS the thought that was in my head.

I'm resigned to at least have 6 BCGs starting a week or two after the appointment.  I'm sure that it will be the precautionary thing to do.  Of course, it could be worse than that but that is the worst I'm prepared to play with at the moment.  Believe me, I'm not looking forward to the day but need to get it over and done with.  I find myself somewhat annoyed that I have to go back over the same ground again (if I have to) as I know the side effects and the regime that the next 2 or so years will bring.  I can't even begin to tell you what it means personally but even so, I probably don't have Cancer or CIS present in my bladder right now.  Just the one small, nuisance tumour which no longer exits.