It's Turning Out to be a BAD Year Already!

Another death which surprised me greatly - as I wasn't expecting this one. I'd had a bit of a "to do" with him last year and was quite surprised about the way he treated me and it was all over nothing as far as I was concerned but just a bizarre incident where he owed some money to the Lodge and was a bit put out that I asked for it. So we had a few letters cross in the post and a few chats - but I was very concerned as it wasn't like him and I voiced concerns about his behaviour last year thinking that he was "losing it".

It appears that he probably found out, about that time that he had Lung Cancer and that's possibly why I got an ear full from him at the time and if you are going to lash out then the nearest person will do.

This is the second death in the Lodge this week and the third in 3 weeks. Added to the other stuff that has gone on with deaths in families and all-sorts it has made for a pretty bad start to 2011. I suppose we will get to hear some more at the meeting tomorrow. As Treasurer it answers some questions around what's been going on as it appears that the person I informed was sworn to secrecy and so couldn't tell me what was going on.

Ewwwwww Yuk

Having a slow old day today, hard to get going and the work I am doing is gutty and repetitive and I have to alter three documents at once so they all reflect the changes :-)

I just can't get enthused about it at all and so time is dragging and I'm getting easily distracted - like writing this blog entry!

It doesn't help that my tinnitus is very bad at the moment - I have a lot of noise in my ears that I cannot get rid of. Using loud music isn't helping as I'm losing concentration.

Oh well - it isn't going to get done without me struggling on through :-(

A Nice Evening Out

It's nice to get out with some friends for a beer (or three) and a curry. We had a great evening and had some real laughs. I like being the "surreal" comedian and it was al going well and all was funny and someone on the next table piped up and it was a friend of mine - so that got things going even better.

I then found a note to this fantastic clip. you need to go full screen and full HD if you can as it really is superb - my 18.4" screen HD and surround sound does it justice.

I hope that you like it - it has a sound track from Ludovico Euinadi - it's really nice - I hope you agree.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

The Power of Nothingness

Nothingness - if that is a word is what I sometimes feel myself having the power of. Nothing, nada, zip. It's a feeling of helplessness for my fellow patients and human beings. I see suffering and I can do nothing about it, I'm too far away or unable to effect an outcome or make things better, give huge amounts of money or do anything else like it.

I desperately don't want to appear to be a selfish person and yet, I think perhaps I ought to turn into someone who is as I haven't got the time or the ability to help. I can say words, do small actions but that is it. In the great scheme of things I can only affect those around me and over which I have some control. I see people all over the place who are suffering their own problems and feel bad about it.

I should, of course, know better than that - and I do. It's the guilt of being unable to do anything that's so annoying. A lot of these people I don't even know and I still feel bad. It's a strange emotion I have to say.

I just need to concentrate on myself a little bit more, I heard myself worrying about someone else today and was "politely told" that I had done my bit and it was all that was needed, I couldn't continue to try and alter things if that person didn't want to reciprocate.

So I must try harder to be harder on myself and to accept that whilst it is admirable to want to help everyone, in reality that just isn't ever going to happen.

Whilst I am thinking like this let's have some thoughts and prayers for this lady who needs to undergo some more treatment this week. She's been battling away for a long time and recording it in her blog.

Living Life Outside of the Circle

I consider myself to be a bit aloof and slightly outside of the normal. I've always been like that so it doesn't particularly bug me and yet, I do consider that since Bladder Cancer I have moved further outside of the normal.

It's just a feeling these days that I revolve around in my own circle which exists outside of everyone else's circle. My relationships are more remote. Gentler but more remote and that's just one of those things I guess. Life changed immeasurably of course, as it would and so this just to be expected I guess.

No one here's got post traumatic stress or other complaint - things have just - well - just changed and whilst there's lots of positives, there are also the downright obvious outcomes and many of these include this being outside of the group, not one of the team, not one of the family and yet at the same time it's not being brushed off or ignored it's being just outside the circle.

It's an observation and it isn't deeply troubling or worrying and yet I realise it is there. I'm not sure I want to go back to the way it was before - I doubt it would work and it's important to move forward. The issue really is that my life has changed massively, no one has changed with me, I've just got to get on and make the most of it. I have work to keep me occupied - I just hope that something comes of it - it's been almost a year now of quite hard slog - but we are getting nearer the end game - so I hope that it will perhaps give me some other diversion.

Funny Old Week

I've been exceedingly angry this week. There's some serious stuff going down in the world and right across the board there is upheaval and disquiet. There's a lot that we aren't being told but what do our news editors give us? A slurry of celebrities who have some sort of problems. Quite how you can turn bipolar overnight and then manage to go on to make two films is still beyond me and quite how these super rich people live their lives isn't in the slightest interest to me. Somehow it is news? Thousands of people dead in Japan but we hardly hear about their plight - it's off the radar now yet some actor gets a mention before some of the important news.

So, perhaps - I'll get that out of my system. I see that I'll have to go elsewhere for my news and information so as not to get my head stuck full of bollocks and mush pedalled as news!

I'm looking forward to the weekend - another Grand Prix and I've managed to break the back of a particularly gutty piece of work that should almost complete the planning work for the business. My Business partner is back from training and we will get heads together next week and then I hope that we will have a few visits out to meet people and get some traction in terms of building the business. Of course - it will be chaos in London what with the Wedding and Easter etc. So many holidays in just a short period of time are going to be disruptive. Then in early May I have the normal week from hell when I have wall-to-wall meetings.

In all of this angst and bother I note that I haven't heard from the Hospital about being seen for a scope - I suppose I had better drop them a line if I haven't heard soon? It would be good to get that out of the way ASAP so I can have a clear summer.

Still Ranting

You can't believe the space they give over in the news - and the BBC are getting worse at it, to so called celebrities as if it is national news. Things like earthquakes, politics, things happening around the world, wars, that sort of thing. Now we get some irritating celebrity getting a 2 minutes slot plus a panel of experts to discuss how traumatised she must be. Sheeeesh!

The whole world is bloody crazy and falling into a spin doctor world where we will be reporting on some actor or actress having a sodding headache or a bad tooth. These people DO NOT matter, they are there to entertain us, they get very, very, very handsomely paid to do so and they live a great life, they have people to do everything for them down to wiping their arses I don't doubt. Bit they aren't news, they aren't intelligentsia, they aren't professors, presidents and prime minister, they have opinions but they don't make policy. These days they are held up as icons and somehow everyone's bought into the bollocks that is celebrity.

Well it makes me mad (as you can tell). I'm trying to find any reasons left why I should watch the BBC which was at one time the best, most balanced reporting you could find, now days they just make it up and don't even verify their stories sometimes relying on hearsay and then having to track back.

Anyway - the space given over to some people online and on TV just makes you wonder if there isn't any news out in the wide world - I might as well go and buy Hello magazine and get all my important news from there.

What - you really have to be joking - Mr. Angry Rant

This is a RANT - I find this rot and bunkum absolutely offensive and the worst sort of self publicity possible. Amazingly it even upstaged the problems in Japan, Iran and Libya!

Have a look at this LINK

Now you tell me what is wrong with it? Let's look at it a bit shall we?

"Catherine Zeta Jones has received treatment for bipolar disorder after dealing with the stress of her husband's battle with throat cancer." Really?

I was quite shocked and went to have a word with Mrs. F. about it and she isn't traumatised or any such thing. Mind you she isn't looking to resurrect her career and her publicist hasn't told her that her name hasn't been in my blog for at least 30 milliseconds.

It gets worse - no believe me - you'd best go get the sick bag now...

"Zeta Jones's publicist Cece Yorke said the actress sought treatment for the condition following the stress of her husband's cancer fight."

"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder," said Yorke."

"She's feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."

Well how f*****g sad is that exactly - I guess all those millions you'll get from them will help sort it out for you - get a grip woman!

GET REAL - all the really distressed people who find that they have no income because of cancer and the real distress of meaning their kids go without basics, who can't afford medical (I'm looking outside the UK here folks) and who fall down the poverty trap - yes - I can fully understand that it would screw your mind and that the stress would get you. These poor sods have no money, nowhere to turn to, no bloody leach PR consultants and spin doctors - they've got to get on with life and all the shit, muck and bullets thrown at them. Someone once said that they know what is wrong with these people and that is that they have a very high opinion of themselves and they don't realise that all they actually are - are actors and people of passing interest. They aren't as important as they think they are and they surely must be pretty stupid to believe that they can actually hold an opinion on anything as they haven't got the balls to get out of their cosseted artificial, vacuous self centred existence and actually do something about it. They are full of hurt and wish to be considered one of the people suffering like we do?

5 minutes alone with anyone of them - please - just let me have my 5 minutes whilst I explain what way up really is.

For MD and CZJ - let's think about how bad it could have got for them? Yea right, nanny may needed to look after the kids a few more hours. Specialist doctors on hand, no waiting in queues and all that. Treatment immediately, private rooms, top oncologist, chauffeured service, nurse at home 24/7. My god it must have rattled her brain to have had to have all those specialists in a one-to-one situation when the rest of us plebs have to take the 5 minutes session, bang them in pile them up sessions we have in our quest to get diagnosed and treated. Stop whining and get on doing what you are meant to be good at, being screen dressing for good actors FFS!

I find it downright offensive reading this utter crap. If you're that ill surely you can't go on a film set.

Grrrrrr - Flame - arggggh!!!!

The utter bollocks these people of notoriety come out with goes beyond the pale. Thank god she's Welsh at least we don't have to say she comes from England. I'm so pleased that she has decided to live in the US at least we wont have her joining in with all the ne'er-do-wells and bleaters in the UK - you have our permission to banish her to some other distant country too.

MMmmm - I feel a hell of a lot better after that rant.

It's all about life

I notice that these days - it's all about life, not bladder cancer at all. That may mean nothing to you at all but it might just suggest that there's life after all the worry, depression, treatment, appointments, pain, grunge, waiting, gobbledegook words from doctors, tests, waiting, diagnosis, ups and downs. After a while these things fade away and you just - well - get on with it.

I'm just living again now and getting used to it. Sure I have a completely different temperament and attitude (some would say it is good!) and a different outlook and demeanour. I'm really focussing in on rebuilding and my new business has at its heart a desire to make changes in people's lives - good changes - that's important now.

I've taken a step away from being a victim. I've been through all of that and suddenly, I'm getting my life back. It isn't all plain sailing of course. I have to rebuild relationships, have to accept that some of them will never be rebuilt. I have to get on with things now and stop being the one all this happened to. That's behind me now and I now try to move on each day.

When you've got your life back - it needs you to do something with it. I've got to reinvent myself, I have to get my strength back (you can't believe how much of that mental and physical strength has been depleted). Additionally, you have to stop looking at yourself and your problems and lift your eyes upwards to some new challenges and to set goals that will allow you to conquer your fears, follow your dreams and go forward once more to get on with your life.

This blog has turned from being about bladder cancer and all that went with it to the fallout I still have but more importantly to begin to realise that there are other things out there that need to be tackled and that I can use my experience to bring to bear to solve problems and to help others. High ideals - that's what you should be left with post Bladder Cancer. Targets to strive to achieve, goals and objectives to meet but, more important than all of that is having purpose and to use my skills and experience to change other people's lives. That's what I now strive to achieve and I hope that the business we want to build might attract sufficient funding to allow me to achieve that vision.

Meet the boyfriend

Not mine - my youngest daughter's new young man - well her first as far as I know. Bless him, he is about 6' 5" or 6" I guess and just fits under our door frames. He seems a nice enough young man and so I'm pretty OK with that. A - apart from her first boyfriend - "who brought the vacuum cleaner" was my first reaction to him has had nice young men and now L appears to have met a nice one too. Let's hope so, he certainly appears to have the same sense of humour and interests so I hope they get on well. Shame they are so far apart geographically. He is here for a couple of days and let's see how that goes.

Had a boozy old day today - met a friend who has finally got a job - after a year - I forgot that he drinks but doesn't eat at the same time so I got home absolutely starving and with quite a few beers on board. Luckily I had a 30 minute nap and was able to pull myself together to go out tonight and ended up having a few more beers there too!

I am also out tomorrow and Wednesday. At least tomorrow I am not drinking - I'll be driving so wont touch any.

Wednesday I'll be having a meal and a few glasses of wine. Hopefully that will be the lot for the weekend.

My friend who had the cancer scare became a father yesterday which is fabulous news. Now there are two things to be delighted about for him and his wife. As I said to him - welcome to the land of the poor. As A used to have on her Tee-Shirt "I can spend money faster than you can earn it!" I have no doubt that this remains true to this day.

Weekend

Well it was a good weekend and so much happened. I cam down early Sunday morning to watch the Grand Prix -opened the living room door and there were at least two people sleeping on the floor! So I had to creep back out and watch the begining of the GP on my laptop! I had already had a distrubed night - I'd gone to bed at just gone one - no one was sleeping in the living room then after having seen that the party stuff was cleared up, the doors were locked etc. at 5:20 all I could hear was an alarm which was one of the other house guests - who had forgotten to turn it off.

A had her fancy dress party and all was well. Tomorrow she is off early to go to Paris - I'm sure she will have a lovely time - one of my favourite cities but I also worked there too and so have fond memories of my times there.

I couldn't tell you where the weekend went to its been a spots fest with the GP, Masters Golf and the Paris Roubaix cycling, plus there was the Grand National on Saturday. I don't "do" horse racing at all - I don't really get it. Two horses had to be put down this time! Sport of Kings? Perhaps. I only remember it because my step grandfather died after watching it one year. He had watched the boat race in the morning and the Grand National in the afternoon and passed away peacefully in his chair with the TV still playing just after the race. I have no idea if his horse won or not.

I even squeezed in a few hours work - I was up for doing some yesterday - but in reality I must give over the weekend to myself - I work non stop during the week. This week, however, I intend to take a little easier as I want to consolidate the work of the last month rather than generate new stuff.

Things move on - it's getting exciting now and I hope that we will be getting close to finalising the proposition and moving towards the next phase.

It's Friday Night

Apart from a few hellos and how's your day been - no one has deemed to talk to me tonight so I'm in a house where everyone has gone to bed and not said goodnight and they've left the lights on and everything so I've gone around and sorted that out but - WTF?

I struggle sometimes that everyone's disappeared off to remote areas of the house and they've all locked themselves away in their rooms and that's Friday night done with. It's pretty bad anyway with teenagers and students living in the house - you're lucky to get any noise out of them. Oh well, I shall engage pissed off me mode in the morning and see how they like that?

Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive - I imagine a lot of people get it in the neck all the time and here's me saying no one talks to me - maybe I should be pleased about it. However, it's a lonely furrow working day in day out on the business plans and I've no major outlets during the day except my business partner's and my daily conference call.

Ho hum!

Another Cancer Buddy Succumbs

I spoke to him in January / February - he had Colon Cancer but was having all sorts of trouble with platelets and had some transfusions etc. They then diagnosed Leukaemia and unfortunately he died yesterday in a Hospice.

That's pretty tragic as he hadn't long been retired and moved away about 2 years ago. It is very sad and he was a nice guy - I enjoyed his company on many occasions - he was certainly a funny guy and we had a good chat about our experiences with cancer and how tired it made you etc.

Oh dear. I find that my week draws to a close and I have a few minutes left to work and so I decided to just go and grab a beer from the fridge (well as I work at home I can do that!). It has been a hard but very satisfying week and a lot has happened and the business has leapt forward and made real progress which is great. So a beer is a nice reward for a week hard at it.

Of missing emails and merged accounts

So that's what my ISP did!! Merged my account with Mrs. Fs account!!! So they merged our data so that our birthdays and logon details changed!!! You cannot believe it sometimes. Once we'd sorted that the emails for days came flooding in and then locked out for a few hours and are now back working!

Anyway - thanks to my ISP for losing me another 4 or 5 hours of my life! Gits.

Great news on my friend - the lump was benign and he is having antibiotics to sort that out. It all floods back when you think you have a recurrence. I can't even tell you what it is like. If you've never had cancer the initial diagnosis is utterly devastating but you don't know what you are letting yourself in for. Once you've been through all of the treatment and recovery you come out the other side and if you are like me - you forget or conveniently put in to the back of your mind all those experiences.

Now, don't get me wrong, its part of the journey, sometime the treatment feels worse than having the cancer. However, when you get a recurrence the whole lot flashes back into your field of vision again. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it as I did when i got my friend's email earlier.

That's why you should always go for your check ups as they can find stuff and do something straight away with it.

Which reminds me - my check up is due this month sometime!

Phew what a day

It didn't seem that busy but goodness how far we've come in a short time with the business. We finalised the main financial plan today which allows all the plans to be derived from a master set of data.

My plans need some more work as mine feed in to a later overall picture. We have to really step up the pressure once again as it is a funny old month what with Easter being late and the Royal Wedding and days off here there and everywhere in the coming weeks!

At least I have a plan to get on with for the next couple of weeks but my mind is spinning after doing figure work all day.

Well

My friend didn't turn up tonight but I heard he had an operation to remove a growth in his sinus and so is awaiting the outcome of the tests on that. He went through some pretty shitty treatment last time resulting in having his face opened up and the cancer removed. He's a lovely lad and just about to become a father. You know where I'm going with this I'm sure. Why is it that those who do good, work hard, about to bring up a family and all the responsibility that entails have these problems. It's just unfair.

Unfair - that's the word. If there were any justice in the world it wouldn't be him. If you were to sit in judgement and look around the evil things people do you'd sort of want them to suffer and be chosen but somehow it just doesn't seem to happen to them. Sometimes this life is cruel and nonsensical, illogical and just downright upsetting. I'm probably too close to it and not being balanced about it but it does seem to be an unfair distribution and you see tragic cases and it just doesn't make sense.

I said some time ago that I was struggling with why I was "spared" and in some way, I've had a real change in my life these past 5 years. I've spent 2 years working for a charity and now I'm doing something that - if it is successful - may well open up opportunity to all through equal access to the internet. That would be something worthwhile to come out of it. Chosen? Not sure, empathetic to those who lose out - you bet. I'm enjoying the journey a lot although it is getting near to crunch time and we will see if we are barking mad or actually have a good idea.

So What Do You Make of This Song?

I've been listening to Clare Maguire for a few weeks now - she has a superb voice very reminiscent of Alison Moyet and sometimes Kate Bush like too.

She sings a version of Antony and the Johnsons "Hope There's Someone" which is a particularly poignant song as it was playing as I went to have my first operation and the words resonate with me now. I've just listened to "This is Not the End" - here are the lyrics:

"This Is Not The End"

If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair

And when I’m gone
We’ll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And if someone else
Must take my place
For I’ll be gone the longest time
I’ll wait and I will understand
A heart of thorns must
Leave the mind

But when in time I see your face
The scars will fade
The heart will mend
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And from today I wish you joy
From this day I wish you peace
I hope that life will pass you by
As softly as the falling leaves

And when your heart is full again
Raise a glass for me my friend
And dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
Oh dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

It's fantastic - great lyrics but it always makes me feel very melancholic and sad.

Great Party

Not sure about waking up at 1:30 in the morning asleep in my chair though :-) So A is 21 today and it is Mother's Day too. We had a great party on Saturday and the food went down well and we had enough booze - I'm always worried in case we run out. We don't drink as much as most people although I do like a beer - I don''t actually tend to drink much at home and so we have limited supplies.

Anyway - apparently there is another party next week and that means we are having a marquee erected in the back garden. As friends aren't so bad, Ls friends are younger, a little more brash and a little less 'nice' - but we aren't having her party here so I'm not too worried and the place where we are going has bouncers so they'd better behave themselves - or else :-)

Hopefully we get the new PC tomorrow and I can retire the old PC/Server. I'm just cleaning it up and it can go to a good home for the Samaritans who can refurb and reuse it for their work. With a new PC I am hoping that it wont need the constant attention needed to keep it going especially as it really is too old to handle new programmes and software.

Made it

To As 21st Birthday - well if I last until Sunday that is! Tomorrow is preparation day and Saturday we are having a party with friends and family. I am really looking forward to that and I hope she has a great day. Twenty-one years - it hardly seems possible that it has been that long but it has.

I am now pleased that I'm here to see it - at one time that felt like it may not happen and I was cut up about "not being there" for the kids. They are no longer kids and I guess that they'd be able to function quite well without me given their ages of 21 and 18.

In a way, I feel very happy and I'm looking forward to a party and having people around. I miss the old days. Somehow, we don't have people around anymore and we don't go many places. Either I'm not up for it or Mrs. F. isn't. I have made it a policy to try and do more this year and I'm not working too much tomorrow as I want to do the cooking for Saturday and preparation work. I want As party to go off with a bang.

I'm quite pleased about one thing though. Since getting the new router installed I've actually been able to get the computers all networked - or it seems to have. Of course now I've got a new PC arriving on Monday to replace the big household server but that should be fine - I hope that it will improve things all round. I've been backing up that machine - as I am now back in my real office next door to it. Hopefully that will be easy enough to sort out on Monday when it arrives. Of course - these things always take a lot longer than they should with all the messing about.

Somehow I have to move all my old emails from that machine to another one. Not easy but I guess I'll manage it. I have just realised that I haven't really looked at many of these since Christmas time so I had better catch up with them and get them moved ASAP.

Feeling OK and in a happy place at the moment but getting worried about my friend as I haven't heard anything yet.

Time to ramp down

And take my equipment out of my temporary office downstairs in the dining room and transport it back to me real office upstairs. It is As 21st Birthday party on Saturday and we are going to spend the day (Friday) cleaning the house and getting ready. It looks as if I will be doing some cooking tomorrow which will be nice.

I've moved most things excepting the PC up now and it looks a bit bare down here :-)

The business stuff is getting gutty and hard as we try and find examples of what businesses have allowed for various parts of their infrastructure and staffing, insurance, utility bills etc. So far it has been pretty difficult to find enough evidence to put in our business plans but gradually we are finding things. Sometimes, even with the internet, you just cannot find stuff.

I'm hoping that we should soon be able to nail down the business plans - I've just done two pieces of work that have frightened the daylights out of me and the financial investments look incredible but they returns look to be worthwhile. Now to complete the maths and go find an investor or two :-)

Feeling a little tired but will be having a celebratory weekend with A for her 21st Birthday and lots of people coming over so that will be nice. Looking forward to it.

Late and time for bed

I found today one of those head buzzing days when I appeared not to have done a lot but on reflection found I'd covered lots of ground. It started out with half a morning lost to setting up a new internet connection which is now happily effected and working rather nicely and seems to be working at some speed too. Which is good. All PCs are migrated over and a new PC is on its way to relieve Mrs. F. of using the old Evesham that now requires winding up like an old fashioned gramophone to get it working and then only in slow motion replay mode!

I will spend some time clearing that down and installing the new one early next week and I hope that it will prove to be a good move and that not only will she be able to use a fast computer but also it will network with this PC and I can print from anywhere in the house once again and share files across the back up systems.

It is a bit annoying to say the least that it no longer works seamlessly - hopefully next week.

It sounds as if a friend may have had a relapse - I'm waiting to hear officially what has happened. It terrifies me to think he may have cancer again. He's a lot younger and it just isn't fair is it? Then again, looking around the world today, not a lot is fair. I've just realised that my blog is backed up to the old PC so I'd better back it up to here too just in case I lose it in the transfer. I'd hate to lose this lot.

The trouble with customer service is that

It isn't service is it? Yesterday - or was it Monday - I was told that I needed a new router as we had an old fashioned set top box and that the latest would save us money - so a new router, faster speed and less money - a no brainer!

At 9 am this morning - no internet service - huh? So I go check it all out and yep - no internet service at all, tried everything, did all the testing etc. As luck would have it before I got really angry a man turned up with a box and inside was a new router, cables and everything I needed. I had already pulled out the TV exposing the cabling point etc. I got to work and within 5 minutes all was connected, splitter installed, modem/router connected all lights flashing etc. Good. The instructions said ring up this number and get connected. After listening to the welcome message and going through a series of steps it then said have your account number ready? So I had to stop the call and go find that. Then when I get through they will only speak with the account holder. Finally we get past that then they want a password. So I say - can you see my phone number? Yes well is it from the account? So we eventually do some more stuff and I say that why would I want to power up the modem/router they sent me as if I was someone else. So we go through all of that and finally, it kicks into life and I'm happy, at last, as it works pretty much out of the box and appears to be faster.

I just hope that it is more reliable than the last router. It should be faster and with a bit of luck, next week, when I get the new computer, it will also be networked around the house once more!

Fun - it isn't :-)

Reflections

Tonight I chatted with the chap I had quite an altercation with last year and it's interesting that now his wife has died that he comes along on Monday nights and joins in with us. Bless him he is a bit dotty and a little bit slow on the pick up of the "in jokes" but I never have been an in your face comedian operating as I do on the borders of the pythonesque and have a barbed, surreal and pretty nasty sense of humour.

What's nice is that we have buried the hatchet and there is no animosity about the wee altercation we had. He was at his most engaging this evening and that pleased me as I don't like to have some sort of ongoing feud with the man.

He hadn't realised that I'd had cancer and so we chatted about that and he spoke at length about his wife and the pent up problems he had and so I suggested that he might like to consider writing a journal to get it out of his system. I explained about this blog and how useful it had been to me. Now I feel a little guilty as perhaps I should have been writing it, as an author would do, for their audience but the truth be told, it is for my own use and my own purposes. It's pretty much as I see things day to day. I certainly hope everyone who reads this are better balanced than I am, in better health and have slightly more sanity than I do :-) No really I do. I've been on one hell of a ride this past 5 years - I've had stuff happen to me that just defies logic and has taken me to the highest and lowest ebbs of my life. I'm glad you may be reading this but I do find it terribly self indulgent and perhaps that's why it works for me but may never work as a true cancer blog. I'm off loading on you not actually giving you anything in return.

I found that the most amazing thing these days is the swing between good and bad days, mediocre days and those when you are flying. I'm in a "good place" at the moment. Spring is here, new life and flowers and buds and blossoms everywhere - it's really nice. In July we - or I - or my business partner and I are going to celebrate our 5 year survival - we aren't sure what we are going to do but it will be something....

When I was 50 I survived that by living 1 year beyond diagnosis. I've had an amazing 4 years since. Time to celebrate.

Business is getting closer and closer. We either will or will not progress further with it by July. I feel as close as we have ever been to delivering the plans and so I/We continue to push forward. It's getting really hard now as we do tha last mile but it certainly feels like the right thing to do still and after the best part of 3 hours conference calling today - I sure hope that it is worth it. It's feeling more corporate too. Planned conference calls between us and Europe, meetings and individual calls, trips to hotels and meeting rooms. Perhaps we can just make this happen - I do hope so.

Well it's time for bed and I need to be up and running first thing tomorrow - lots to do and lots of things to discuss and agree, document and improve on.

Blogging Less

I guess that having little to say means that I'm not rushing to the blog and scribbling down once or more a day these days. I suppose we can take from that the lesson that things return to a normal state after a while and I don't suppose I've thought too much about BC in the past few days or thought to blog at all. It was the return of the F1 Grand Prix and I was out most of Saturday. That was nice except for one moment when I got too hot and wanted to flee from the meeting. I've noticed that a lot it's a bit of the claustrophobia and these sorts of "hot flush" events that I get. Generally I feel warmer than I ever did following the treatment (I think) and I don't tend to feel the cold as much but I do feel hot offices and buildings and it was almost unbearable on Saturday. I had it happen in a couple of meetings this year and so I need to be especially careful about it. It even happened a week or so ago at one of our practice meetings. the trouble is that I feel feint and very uncomfortable. I get a little panicky but generally I am able to control it through breathing etc.

I've been having some wild dreams these past weeks. As we begin to pull together the shape and scale of the business we can now see how big it is and how challenging, this triggers off all sorts of new thoughts and ideas and they manifest in dreams and nightmares. These are amazingly clear and the people and their voices are accurate and very real. Of course the situations and landscapes may not be. However, if I remember them, I can tell that they are to do with aspects of the business, areas of concern and they deal with success and failure as well as working on complex ideas and aspects of the business.

At the moment, I'm a bit worried about my health - it was the Census at the weekend and it was amusing that my wife put me down as being in 'Fair' health not 'Good'. I wasn't too sure if I agreed with that but I suppose, given the last 5 years of problems - that would be about as accurate as we can manage. I wonder if I will be around for the next Census in 2021? I need to get back into eating properly and doing some exercise again as I've easily put back on 1/2 stone and need to lose that. I'm blaming the winter. I hope that as it is now getting brighter and warmer that I will start to come out of this quite depressing winter period and get motivated again. I can also start to migrate away from all the heavy winter foods towards some salads again now it is warm enough to have them.

Later this week it will be A's 21st birthday - I can't believe it has been that long - it seems to have flashed by. We will be having a family party this weekend and then A is off to Paris with her boyfriend - that will be nice - I love Paris and at this time of year it is truly magnificent. After Vancouver and Brussels - I wouldn't mind working there again, I enjoyed my times there and whilst sometimes the people can be a bit off (like they can in London) it isn't bad and the centre is full of wonderful historic buildings. She should enjoy that.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz

That's my head that is :-) Wow - so many figures and spreadsheets - my eyes are blurry after a day hard at the figures and getting the business plans sorted out.

Hard work but enjoyable as finally we start to see the figures materialising and the whole thing taking some sort of form and gradually taking shape.

It's been a long time and we aren't there yet. It's a bit pareto like and the last 20% is going to take 80% of the effort - but hopefully not the duration. We are getting so close you can taste the cream cakes and coffee :-)

But that's enough for today - my eyes really are glazing over with the concentration of it all. So off to sit and watch the TV I think.

Hard Work

Never hurt anyone. Yesterday was one of those good days when the business turned a massive corner as we populated the business plan and things started to make sense (at last) and things like staff levels became clearer and we started to get a handle on costs and revenues.

Which made the series of dreams last night completely explainable as these were all in the future, building the business, attending meetings, things falling in to place and actually getting somewhere.

Feeling good and just about to get flying into the next sections of my work. It's all starting to come together and not before time :-)

Another

A friend - not a close one - but I've known him for some time and he told me about 18 months ago that he had Lung Cancer but had suffered a series of illnesses along the way died Saturday night. We got an email saying so today and telling us that the funeral details will be out soon.

I think email has helped inform us about such things and to circulate details of the funeral arrangements etc is good. It is a little non-personnel but often we have missed such events in the past as someone forgot to ring etc. It was perhaps though a little unforgivable to copy in the dead person's email address! Then for someone to explain about the deceased's wife's mental state copied to all in a response no matter how well thought it is hardly excusable as the family may well pick up that email.

It's not going to be the last this year unfortunately and there are a few more with equally bad diagnosis. I do hope that the words used and the way that email is handled might be a little more thoughtful from those who act before the think. This is one of those times where a little thought and a check of the email addresses before sending of "their opinion" would have paid dividends.

A good day for me earlier. Met up with an old friend and it looks as if we might be able to do some business together. Fingers Crossed.

Monday

A quiet morning - thank goodness - I've got to drive over to West of London a little later to meet a friend. I haven't seen him for about 4 1/2 years I suppose. He came to see me after my second operation as he was in the country and I couldn't get over to see him.

He is in the UK for a few days and we arranged to meet. It will be nice to see him as he is a really nice guy and it will be interesting to see what he makes of our new business which is actually why I contacted him in the first place.

Having to re-build the team means I can go and talk to people I know well and check out their availability. There is a lot of work to be done in a short space of time and having the right people involved and ones that I know their capabilities will be great.

The measure of this guy is obviously that he came out of his way on a business trip to see how I was and meet up with me. Not many people would have done that. I'm looking forward to meeting up with him again and catching up. Let's hope that our Orbital Motorway (M25) isn't being the outer London Car Park today!

Easy Days

Trying like mad not to be sitting on my computer all weekend as well as all week long. Difficult as there is so much that needs to be done and spare time seems wasted time somehow. However, I know better than that and need to make myself rest. I did so yesterday with the Rugby - all three games in one day - it was a marathon event but I managed it with a few beers to assist to keep my attention.

The sun has made a big difference although, unless you are in it, you'd still be forgiven for thinking it was winter. The Frogs have spawned in the pond, the washing machine has gone wrong and I've had to clear out the waste pipes in case it is that which has caused said washing machine issues. At least the pipes are now de-furred and that potential is gone.

Have retreated to the dining room and my PC for a moment as Mrs. F. isn't in the best of moods and it's always worth getting out of the way rather than trying to apply logic or reason to why the washing machined isn't working.

I have a few chores to do now and then I will retreat into the living room. It was meant to be the opening Grand Prix of the year in Bahrain today but as you can imagine, that won't happen. The Qatar Moto GP is however on and live coverage starts in an hour or so - I will be watching that with interest.

My Goodness - The Sun

Has come out it feels like for the first time this year - clear blue skies, warm, daffodils crocus and buds - suddenly everything looks a lot better - it seems to have been a dark, grey and thoroughly depressing winter this year and maybe this will start to lift our spirits a bit. Hard times for many at the moment and austerity measures are about to bite with the budget due this coming week we can only imagine what other burdens will be put on us to repay the debts the country has racked up.

The world seems to be in a bit of turmoil at the moment but - hey - we've got a Royal Wedding in a month or so that should be fun - I don't want to be called out at midnight to go fix things in London trying to get through the crowds and park the car and sort out some software glitch at a customer's premises!!! What a nightmare that night was!

I keep forgetting I've had some interesting times in the past - that was another one of those things you take for granted but was actually an amazing time.

Let's hope the sun stays out for enough time to warm us all up and lift the depression of the past 4 or 5 months.

The Cancer Bond

By which I mean the immediate empathy you have when anyone you know tells you they have Cancer. Straight away you are in the zone and don't need to go through the awkward questions to start with you can get straight into the conversation about what you've got and what stage and what treatment and how do you feel etc.

Suddenly you are sharing diagnosis, treatments, tiredness, head issues and the lot. Mind you it is a bit difficult when you find out that they are terminal or things "don't look good". That's still a difficult one to talk conversationally about because what exactly do you say? It is all twee and it doesn't matter as they are coming to terms with mortality and you aren't and have no idea what that is like other than the initial stages of the disease when you thought that it was going to happen to you.

It's as difficult to talk to someone who is dying even though we share the Cancer brother/sister hood of this most awful of diseases. There are three people I know who are now on the run down and I find it more and more difficult to find something worthwhile to say to them that doesn't sound as if I'm about to say something like how lucky am I that I am not you (that sounds horrible but you can understand why you'd think it).

Perhaps I need to confront my demons again and see if I can't work out a way to do this. I just feel acutely aware of how lucky I am not to be in the same situation as them and I can't put myself in their shoes as I don't want to go back to that dark place again. It played on my mind and it was a dark and horrible time. Self preservation kicks in, I'm prepared to talk about Cancer and discuss the treatments and side effects and all that but not the inevitable outcome of some sufferers who have the worst prognosis. Hopefully I'm not a bad person for that - it makes me feel a fraud sometimes that I cannot face it but in reality I know very few people who can.

Resigned Feeling

I have that today. Last night I was a bit put out as there was an announcement that didn't make sense. Suddenly all the rules got changed and a number of us were left asking the question, what do we have to do to be recognised and be rewarded. It really doesn't matter too much what I'm rattling on about at the moment other than to say that someone got promoted and no one understands why he should be preferred over a number of us. It's not the person, I know him and he's a good chap etc but he's hardly done the years or the input to achieve such a promotion so soon. What has happened just de motivates and cheapens the whole thing so I'm now just going to do what I do and not put myself out or volunteer to do any more than I currently do now. It's not worth it. It's a shame but by devaluing the whole process this way, a huge number of people were left disappointed because we quickly realised that the goal posts have moved.

I will just back away from all the stuff I do and spend a bit more time dedicated to myself. When it is all going one way like it is now, then you may as well go back to looking after yourself.

House full of sick people

L has been ill since Saturday, A has just gone down with it, Mrs. F. has been up to the Doctors for a stomach complaint too. Me - I feel this bad ALL the time :-)

I've had a silly cough for weeks now and it was only that it was mentioned tonight that I thought about it. Better get that checked out if it is still with me next week!

Been a good day in a way we spent time on the business and realised how utterly complicated it was :-) No bad thing so we simplified it and we decided on a set of actions to try and rationalise the financial plan to make it less cumbersome. We are getting to the exciting, nervous, doubting, worrying, don't believe it bit in the process where the finances and plans all come together and start to make some sense. Well they would do if it wasn't for the scale of the ambition and the scale of the problem we are tackling. It's all good fun though and will keep us busy for the next 2 months I reckon. We will probably have to consider that we will have taken a whole year to actually get this far but the amount of work we have put in is commensurate with the amount of money we need to build the business.

I hope that everyone in the house feels a bit better tomorrow than they have today. I don't want to be ill as it is one of those pleasant evenings coming up tomorrow where we get to sit down for dinner with about 300 others for our Officers' Mess. I can get there by bus and so have a drink or two and Mrs. F. (if she is fit enough) can come and pick me up later.

So It's OK to have doubts

In everything, it's OK to doubt yourself and I found that it is the same in business and in sickness and in many things. I do find that I doubt myself perhaps a lot more than I used to. It is a good thing although it can also be disruptive. I think I used to have few if any doubts before bladder cancer, I steamed along and was pretty confident, very much knew what I wanted to achieve and how I was going to get there. I was pretty much the self made man, successful and a little arrogant - which I needed to be to do my job. Probably am still a bit arrogant I guess but nowhere near like I was before and as I've suggested before, Cancer rips away so much of your self esteem and confidence.

So the weekend was awfully tragic with the Japanese earthquake thing happening to which I heard today one of my friend's was involved in but they are OK and travelling back to the UK today.

It was nice to get out to our Lodge meeting on Saturday and get involved in that. We had a good time and met up with some guys we haven't seen for a long time.

It was after that when I started having one of my doubting moments. Basically I was questioning the sheer audacity of our business plans. It is a plan of major scale and ambition and, we feel, well supported by three years work (part time) and getting close to 9 months work full time. That's just to get the business plan together to start up not to go to production!

These doubts are good. Why? Well they make us question ourselves constantly. Are we barking mad? Have we thought it through? Does it make sense? If you don't doubt yourself and just blindly blunder on I'm certain you'd come a cropper. At least by constantly testing ourselves and having these doubts we are keeping things sane and ensuring we are fully prepared to review, make changes and move on. Things just have to be right and checking like this ensures it is. Of course, it isn't nice to keep doubting but if it plays its part in making sure we have covered everything then perhaps it is worth it.

Poor Japan

How awful, I woke to see the news and just felt sick in my stomach to see the tragic consequences of the Earthquake and Tsunami unfolding in real time.

Perhaps we should all learn something from that and those scenes. I saw a car running ahead of the waters but it looked to me as if it eventually had to succumb. Just one of many thousands of tragedies this day.

A meeting in London today broke the mood and I met up with a very old friend which was great. Unfortunately he had to work and so the meeting was short but I do hope that we will get him to join us in our venture, he can bring so much to the party.

I'm feeling a lot better at the end of the week than I was at the beginning so I ought to be thankful for that.

Even Better Today

Gradually improving situation brought about through the realisation that we are more advanced than we thought we were, we have achieved a lot despite all set backs and that we thoroughly researched our business.

Had a good day today and also a good night out with some colleagues - a nice beer and a Chinese meal - which was excellent, as always, and reasonably priced too. It's still difficult getting these guys to commit. Frankly I'm not surprised as we don't have any funding yet and so to ask young guys with commitments at home - young families too - to come along with us will obviously be one hell of an ask. such is the life of a start up business. No money and no people. When we get the money we can get the people but it's all a risk and you can see that these days, no one wants to take the risk despite what rewards may be there in the fullness of time.

Lots of people despise those who build businesses and yet, if they knew the half of how downright difficult it was, would give up at the first sign of hard work.

Better today

A lot better thank goodness. A night out with friends appears to have done wonders and a day steadily persevering through my workload also helped - as did an extra hour in bed I gave myself this morning.

Later today - as it is past midnight - my business partner will be here. We will have an interesting time as we surely are entering the end game and we are on the last lap. Of course there is a possibility that the 5% remaining will take 95% of the effort but, what the heck, let's get on and tackle it.

I do need to do some serious soul searching though and I need to try and relinquish doing so much. It was fine for a while and even the last 5 years I haven't really given up that much in terms of the things I do. I've back seated the family history for a while. I suppose that it is pretty good that I have done so as I used to spend at least a day a week on it at peak and one year (2001) spent 6 months doing it. Hence I have a 700 page family history web site. Mind you I haven't been able to do much with it these past 10 years - I think I updated it in 2003 and that was the last time. I keep the records straight and that's about all these days.

I still could drop off more things. I really find it a struggle to do the accounts for the Lodges but I'll do them, it just takes away more of the little leisure time I do have.

If the business takes off then I'm going to have little enough time to do things I want to do. Building the business will be full on. Of course, if we don't get any interested investors then plan b will have to kick in whatever plan b might be :-)

Maybe its that thought that makes the next few months interesting but is probably bringing me up short. It's fair enough to doubt yourself, we all do it. It's understanding what it is that's making you doubt that for me is difficult. It appears to me that you never actually "get over" your cancer. You can never just park it and carry on, it sticks around like a perpetual shadow following you wherever you go and even if you haven't thought about things for a while, every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it haunting you and bringing you back to where you don't want to be ever again but where you know, with BC, you just might be.

After a Curry

The world seems to be OK. Again, all my firends there all talking about their deceased fathers and of course my dad is very much alive. I kind of lived with that.

A nice curry - very nice indeed, my local curry restaurant does a very respectable curry and I had the Lamb sautéed in Sambucca. Mmmmm.

We did the usual rounds of jokes and had a good deal of fun but somehow, I'm still not 100% me at the moment. I do my best, we had a good time but I was below my usual effervescent self.

I'm thinking that it is definitely the "end game" that is making me like this and that we (collectively) have moved on and transitioned in this last week. It's all real now, very real - that's frightening and not a place that's nice to go to - a big challenge but also a test of our mettle. I just need to convince myself that I am up to the job. I doubt myself too much, too often and I know I can do this. Let's face it, this is a walk in the park compared to what's happened to me in the past 5 years!

Stil not much better

Got a mountain of work to get through and I guess losing half the team isn't actually helping - not that they actually did that much. Seeing it stretched out before us is a bit daunting and perhaps that's part of this quite depressive mood I'm in.

It is what it is though and I just need to get on and do it. Perhaps I'll cheer myself up with my mates later. That normally does the trick.

This isn't a good place at the moment

I cannot put my finger on what it is at all. I'm just not in a good place at all at the moment. I feel lethargic, slow, stressed (but not to breaking point) and generally out of salts. It's just bizarre as it has only kicked in these past few days.

It's almost as if I know something is about to happen and yet I don't want it to. Something coming down the line that will affect the way the rest of the years will pan out.

Whatever it is, I do hope I shake it off before tonight. I'm out with some friends (all my old school chums + 1) for a curry and I want to be on better form for that. I'll probably rise to the occasion - I managed to last night when we were out.

I hope I get out of here soon, I feel pretty down and depressed at the moment and cannot for the life of me understand quite what has brought it about. Perhaps it is that we are getting near to an event that could shake up my world and perhaps, deep inside, I just don't want to be there or perhaps I'm worried about going there, which is strange really considering that's what I want. Maybe there are some worries about what that will mean to my family, my friends and ultimately to me?

Changes

I've been a committed (not in the sense of being stuck in an Institution) Freemason for 28 years this month. In all those years I've been - as far as I can be - a useful person, doing various roles and working my way from the early beginnings to being a reasonably well known person in my local Province. I even worked for 2 years or more in the heart of the organisation doing my charity piece and setting up a new area for them in the worlds of PR and Communications.

This weekend, I get to do some of the ritual work as Worshipful Master of the Lodge (just for a stand in appearance) something I haven't done since I was Master in 1991 apart from odd stand in roles. It will be nice to get up into the limelight once again.

But there's something not quite right at the moment about it and it's to do with the business and also my concentration on the work in hand, getting this company rolling. It's taking time and a lot more effort than I thought it would (if you look back over the past 2 or 3 months posts you'll see why). But more than that I'm feeling tired and disinterested at the moment and perhaps somewhat jaded in my outlook. I'm still Treasurer of 3 units, Chaplain of a further 2 and I kind of realised that I don't have the commitment that I once had for this any-more. Hell - I'm getting tired of it taking so much of my time and in a way, whilst I enjoy it very much I dislike the way things are panning out these days. There's a lot of politics being played and somewhere along the line we've lost the meaning of it all. I'm thinking that pulling away from this over the next year or so and leaving it to the youngsters to pick it up is the way forward.

I'd really like to give up some of the long standing stuff I do as I've been doing it so long that I'm not bringing anything "new" to the party at all. I really think it would be useful for me to pull back than try and do anything about it. I want it to be for other people after I've had some 15 years in the limelight and I could do with the rest really.

I think that change is coming this year and that it will do me good. I probably have to give some things up at some point. What would happen if I couldn't carry on? Someone would have to be found to fill my place - it's the way of things, life goes on.

we are now on the cusp of seeing if we can get our ideas to market. We know that most ideas just flop but we think we have something that has mileage. If we do get the opportunity to take it on, I'm not going to have an hour to myself for long periods of time and so it is a bit academic deciding what I can and cannot do. I remember when I set up my business in the late 80s that I didn't have much to do in the Lodge. I had an Office but I could work on that one thing like crazy in between times and could do what was needed a couple of times a year. Now, well I doubt that I could get anywhere near that level of commitment - its 25 or so years ago - I was young and much fitter.

It's a feeling "in my water" that there's change coming along the road and that my Masonic hobby will change and also that my attitude to it will also have to take a back seat if I am to give the business a chance.

My dreams are back with all their technicolour strangeness and I had a bad one where my friend and I go and see where my friend died in January just up the road here. We found the spot and were told off by the office staff for being on private property, we had a row as I recall and then things faded out. I still can't believe he's gone and left us, what a tragedy that was to start 2011.

I was also acutely aware that there is a fine line here and that is whether people are remembered after they go? All these wonderful human beings lie forgotten, held in esteem by their families - maybe - but we don't know all these people at all. All the war heroes and their obituaries line our newspapers, people with interesting and accomplished lives, amazing feats and stories but at the end of the day, how many are truly remembered? How many names are on our lips daily? I'd state very few and it makes me wonder what it is all about sometimes. I mean, someone does something extraordinary and is recognised for it at the time but later on, maybe even before they die, their names are lost. The world is looking on to the next "now" thing.

Life's a funny old thing isn't it? I have great kids, I have done my best, I live in a nice place, I can afford to chase a dream, I survived this type of cancer so far but I am not absolutely certain that survival is my destiny, I hold a vision for a better place through technology and I have great friends and some that may return to be great one day. But something isn't right with the way it is, it isn't "ticking all my boxes" and this year may well be the shakedown on that. Let's see where the journey takes me and let's see where the roller coaster finally comes to rest.

Then I haven't mentioned cancer too much

I suppose you begin to forget things like what it used to be like and what it was to have cancer and live with it for a while. Today I live with the "threat" of it all the time not having it because, as far as I can recollect, I only had it for a short time about four times. The first time they cut it out, then they found some more at the next TURBT (a re-seed as they called it), then CIS and then the minute tumour they found a little while back.

The fear will always be that it can return and unfortunately the rate of recurrence is very high for this particular type of cancer. So you never get to be fully in remission or feel free. You initially hate it and that's pretty much what you would expect. You respect it, let's face it, it's an amazing thing that you can get cancer and they can cure you.

What of the scars? Well the physical ones I can't see but apparently they do exist and I suppose, as the bladder repairs itself they eventually go away. I'm guessing that Kidneys and tubes are somehow damaged too but let's hope that it is minor. I'm still struggling with fitness and that is something I hope to really tackle this year. It's the mental scars that take some fixing.

I've often blogged about these scars and the most obvious one is the inability to see others suffer and I can't really watch films, tv or even real life where there is something sad. I just watched Finding Neverland and was really uncomfortable with it especially the ending. I cannot tell you what this is all about except that it is and isn't a great thing. Sure I may be "more in touch" now with my emotions. But the other sets of emotions are to do with right and wrong, social justice, that sort of stuff.

I suppose it isn't too bad to come out of the jaws of cancer and just have a handful of emotional scars and worries? Of course you could do without them but perhaps it isn't too bad a price to pay?

How Strange

Last night I thought I'd sit down and watch a couple of DVDs that I bought recently.

I started off with the Motorcycle Diaries and then finished off with Cinema Paradiso. Both are sub titled foreign language films and the first one was just a really interesting look at Che Guevara and his early life. This morning I learnt that the other Che (Alberto Granado), who we see at the end of the film, died yesterday. The link is here. I had previously seen the Che part one and two that looked at Cuba and Bolivia and the remainder of Che's life - it made a lot of sense, seeing this film, how that must have shaped his thought. I found it an uplifting and unusual road movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Cinema Paradiso won a string of BAFTAs and an Oscar and didn't disappoint but it really chewed me up at the end and brought through some interesting points to ponder on. It wasn't at all what I expected but I was drawn to it by the music of Ennio Morricone and that it was highly recommended by a friend.

Looking at the news today and seeing the death of Alberto on the very day I was watching the film was a bit spooky though...

A good night out

We celebrated last night and Flocky Bicep came and joined us for a few beers and a curry. That was nice and a pleasant end to the week. I found a new dish that I will try on Tuesday night when I am out. It was a Lamb dish flamed in Sambuca. Very nice indeed.

I am just preparing for a quiet weekend and one in which I hope to sort out my various Treasurer duties and work on the books. I hate chasing money and I don't really like being a Treasurer it is an OK sort of job and someone has to do it but I would prefer to get back into the action. I think though that I should give things a rest for a while as I hope we will be working like mad this year to get the business off the ground and if I can't do something properly, I'd rather not do it at all.

I'm tempted to do some "work work" but feel I ought to give myself a rest as I just pile into it every week and a break is necessary to keep me fresh.

That's a barrier out of the way

My business partner has had things sorted out now and so that clears the way for us to get cracking and begin to become more "visible" in our business activities.

Funny day today - we are going out to celebrate tonight but I know he is feeling a bit flat although he has no need to be. A bit like I felt getting my last clear, you'd have thought it would be a BIG thing but it isn't somehow.

It is actually great news but we don't get carried away with things at all but I am glad that his ordeal is ended and that he can get back to normal. They were going to postpone until December which would have been a nightmare and wouldn't settle anything. At least some sort of sense has prevailed and this nasty little episode can be put behind and we can move on. We have plenty of things to worry about without any more.

I just had a call from Australia - a lovely lady and a distant relative who is just so nice to talk to. Bless her, she stays up late to call me so it must have been around 2 in the morning when she called. That pleased me. It restores my faith in humans when you speak to someone like that and you realise you have a friend miles and miles away. We have never met but have talked and corresponded and I think I'd love to meet her and spend hours talking about the family and our family history.

Pleased me

Just off to bed and heard that Steve has another clear which is brilliant news indeed. Very pleased for him and brought a smile to my face as for some reason, I always feel for my fellow BC patients.

I had a good day up in London and it was quite a pleasant sunny but bitterly cold day. I popped into the office and I didn't get a great feel for the place - it was nice to say hello but I got out in 10 minutes flat as I didn't like it that much.

Back to working tomorrow and sorting myself out - I need to make an appointment to see the dentist to see how his work is getting along. I know that I still have some tenderness where the root canal work was done but it doesn't hurt me - I just know that it is there sometimes and it feels almost as if it were slightly bruised.

Anyway - it is midnight and I need to get some sleep.

Lunchtime for me - Judgement Day for Steve

I'm alright as I am off to London as Chairman of London Lunchtimers. Steve however, will be going off to his medical centre and being checked with a scan and a flexible cystoscope to see if all is OK.

So as I'm on my way home I imagine Steve will be getting checked out so the very best of luck and good wishes to him. I suppose my next scope has to be in the next 4 to 6 weeks so I'd better watch out for the letter in the post.

I'm just readying myself for a trot back up to London. It is pretty cold outside and it froze last night.

As I said yesterday, it is a strange old week this week, I can[t tell you why, I don't know exactly perhaps I'll find out later.

Jazz Night

Off there tonight and looking forward to another evening out of the house. A has gone off to Edinburgh, L is down in Canterbury having her interview with the University and I'm stuck here wondering what the next bit of work I need to tackle. There's loads of work to do and I'm not concentrating too well at the moment. I'm thinking about my colleague in his tribunal today and for the next few days. It is a stressful thing having done it myself but I don't think he will be as stressed about it as I was. I wasn't particularly well either which didn't help.

It's a funny old week for some reason that I can't put my finger on.

Lads Night Out

It wasn't planned that way - I just wanted to see M and he valued my Dad's stamp collection and like mine and Mrs. F's it really isn't worth what you thought it ought to be worth. Funnily enough it is a good idea to use the "mint" stamps after 1971 to add up to today's postage than to sell them on! How terrible - stuff that isn't even worth face value!

SO there we have it and it appears that other "stuff" isn't worth a whole lot either. Enough to make it worth someone's while to eBay or do something similar with but not for someone who is "in the trade" so to speak. This stuff is worthless although there were a few nuggets in the collection.

I kind of thought this would be the answer and so tonight is disappointing but mainly as I have to tell my mum that this huge collection is worth more in terms of current day postage value than selling it. Disappointing I know.

But that wasn't all really. Of the 4 of us, only I have my father left alive and so tonight was a discussion about the deceased fathers and that was interesting but perhaps a little too much for me.

We are a week early and so will meet up again next week to go for a curry where, I hope, we can get back to a better evening although, having said that, we did have a 30 minute laughing session about old times that nearly made me cry as I was hurting so much laughing at some of our stupid antics of 30+ years ago!

Tomorrow, my business partner is in his Tribunal for the first of a three day hearing. I hope it goes well for him, he deserves to get a ruling in his favour considering the crap he has had to endure. I hope that it all works out well but he will be out of contact for three days (as I was last week) and so I need to spend that time wisely and get some pretty gritty work done, the sort of stuff you need to grit your teeth and get on with, the "frog eating" work as we call it.

I'm pleased to have gotten out of the house tonight but actually didn't get a real opportunity to speak to my friend and then ended up 'sort of' admitting that my experience last week was far from favourable. I surely hope that the spring weather and the new extension cheer my folks up.

The anger really comes from the fact that neither my parents nor my brother have responded to A, whose 21st it is soon, to say whether (or not) they are coming to her party. A bit like my 50th a few years back. I don't expect them to come along but it would be nice if they'd make the effort even to say no - or am I asking too much?

Should I worry? Of course I should, their my family and it hurts like hell, you might as well stick a knife in me. At least Mrs. F's side of the family have always supported the kids. I'm probably a little bit upset and raw about it but at the end of the day, they know we would attend their celebrations travelling hundreds of miles and staying in hotels if needed. You'd have thought that they'd do the same. I'm sure my Mum would but she isn't 'allowed to'

Time for bed and sleep if I can manage it. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Resonance Indeed

This is a rather interesting article - well it made me think if nothing else.

Recovering from the shock

I guess that is what is happening this week. We knew some time ago that our business partners weren't pulling their weight and I blogged about that realising what the implications were going to be. In a way, nothing has changed but it is a bit like realising someone is going to die, and then they do. It is still a shock and it still matters and you feel it.

Well, that's what we are going through now, we knew it was coming, we understood what that would mean and now, we are here. There's nothing we can do about it, there's nothing that would have prevented it, there's no use crying about it but undeniably it affects everything.

The coming to terms with it is the main thing, I didn't expect that it would be easy but neither did I expect to feel quite as deflated about it as I am at the moment. I'm sure that it wont be for long - this week is just a peculiar week I think and once we get it out of our system, we can move on. It feels very strange that there are now just two of us where last week we were 4.

New Zealand

Well at least all the family are in one piece but damage again to property etc. They've had three large quakes in about 6 months and aftershocks all the time.

I can't say I have actually felt one but did wake up after a local one rumbled through. My parents and brother were discussing the Gainsborough earthquake of a short while ago here. They said it sounded like a train loudly rumbling past them.

At least everyone is safe and that is the good thing.

So yesterday I was speaking with a friend who runs a couple of businesses and he tells me that his 26 year old shop assistant whom he always did speak highly of has been diagnosed with a brain tumour that is inoperable. 26 years old - no age at all is it really. How sad. I have been feeling sad today. I think I'm sad that my dad preferred turning up his TV volume rather than talking to me. I feel sad that he doesn't get out and about more or do something although he did get out in the garden today so that's a better sign.

I'm also sad because tomorrow I'll be talking to my business partner and we will be discussing how we are going to take the business forward now that we have had it confirmed that the other 2 founders will not be taking the journey with us through no particular fault of their own they both have to go off and do other things. As it happens, we knew this some time ago and that's why we set up our business in the first place because they weren't going to be available. We did feel that we would have had more support but, once again, through their own reasons that hasn't happened either.

The result is that all of the work we've done has been mainly delivered by the two of us. The work we expected to get done. hasn't been and so we need to do that ourselves too now. So that just leaves us to work on a new strategy that takes us forward and we need to grow our team again which has been depleted by (in fact) 3 of the 6 main members. We've both known this to be so for some time as regular readers may recall I felt that there would be only 2 of us going forward and so whilst it is no great surprise that this has happened it is still sad and a little disappointing too.

It was nice yesterday to go a Lodge meeting and not hear my name mentioned in the report on the health of the members. A lot of people came up and spoke to me but it was nice to not be the centre of attention for once. Mind you, after 8 years in office, I found doing nothing was a little strange.

Ostracized

Ever felt like that? I feel like that. Not from friends or work. No, from family and it feels weird and upsetting. Mrs. F. picked me up tonight and I asked her to talk to the centre manager as we are trying to arrange L's 18th birthday party. It was if I had tipped acid over her when I asked her to discuss it. Me - I don't actually give a sh*t one way or the other but she is the one pushing for it and can't find anywhere. I find a venue willing to take us and she treats me like something she just trod on and hardly communicates with the manager. I'm feeling pretty pissed off I have to say having gone out of my way and, in a way, stuck my neck out for this to get almost brushed off and shown up in front of someone that I deal with quite a bit who is only, after all, doing a favour because it is me who asked. They wouldn't entertain anyone else doing it.

I almost went into "base speak" tonight as I felt like I was some sort of leper the way I was treated. I'm fuming and angry at the moment - at times like this I like the blog as it takes my anger and aggression not anyone or anything else. In fact this whole week has been one that has altered my way of thinking about almost everything.

Tonight I heard that a friend of mine now has Leukaemia after just having had his Bowel Cancer sorted. It isn't great news I'm afraid and I feel bad for him as we spoke a few weeks back about his troubles and I discussed some of the issues I had and we swapped notes like old pros but he isn't going to make it and I feel desperately sorry about that. Life isn't fair sometimes and he hasn't long retired and moved down to the coast and got himself established there. It makes me want to cry although I rarely do these days. I sort of fill up but manage to stop it there normally.

This is part of this journey or being a little bit strange and a little bit weird and a little unpredictable and lateral. Of knowing something that other non sufferers don't. Of venting like some mad man and of just getting utterly angry with everyone and everything.

I had a great evening and Mrs. F. turned up and completely ruined it for me.

In all this has been one of those weeks. In a way a monkey had been lifted off my shoulder. The two members of the team whom we were finding hadn't delivered much were about to get my comment that they hadn't delivered much and what did they think they were going to contribute in future. As luck would have it they have both independently come to that conclusion themselves and backed out of the venture. This has done a couple of things. We have suddenly had our belief that this would happen confirmed and it has left a hole in our business. SO we are now at half strength. The thing is we knew this moths ago and we made plans for it but actually hearing it today was a shock. A bit like when you are expecting someone to die and they do it is generally a lot bigger shock than you were expecting or building yourself up for.

That's how I feel right now. Shocked, upset and pretty damn annoyed. Loads of shit all week and for once it would have been nice to have had the slightest sympathy or acknowledgement of my situation. All I feel that has happened is that I've been made a laughing stock or just been treated without any respect - that hurts. I might get over this tonight but I fear that I will just turn in to Mr. Angry for a day or so until I work this anger out of my system.

Kind of OK

Well it was nice to get up to see my parents but I feel pretty flat afterwards. Their move to a smaller place has meant a lot of upheaval and change and I'm not sure that the change has done either of them a good turn. Dad looks a lot older than when I saw him last year and is more into his routines than ever.

He's OK in the morning but in the afternoon everything has to be "just so" done to a proscribed timetable and he gets fidgety if it isn't. We were obviously a huge disruption to the status quo and in some ways I got the distinct feeling that we weren't really wanted - and by that I mean - that we were disturbing his world and his way of doing things. I don't think he actually didn't want us there but I had to say I found it difficult competing with the TV all afternoon.

So in a way I was glad to go up and see them but also sad to see them too. I worry that I am sometimes similar to my dad but in many other ways I am a lot different to him and my family in many ways. I saw my kid brother - I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or more. He too is very different to me and they all live very different lives and are very different people.

Because my parents have moved into a tiny place now there was lots of things to fill my car up with when we came home and we have now gone through what we want to keep and the things we will give away. It feels very strange doing this as these things that meant something to them are now either in my house or going to the charity shop. That's the sort of thing that happens when you down size like that and probably adds to the levels of "depression" I felt when we were there. They've done the right thing in moving to a manageable house but of course the downside is the loss of possessions and loss of space - compared to the last place this feels claustrophobic and you can't get away to another room like you could in the last place so you are forced to be in the same room all the time and so that didn't help the situation.

I'm sort of glad that I have little attachment to things these days but I can see how the loss of familiar objects can be upsetting also the weather has meant that they are trapped indoors a lot.

It was nice to get away, even nicer to stay in a local B&B rather than in the same house - not sure I could have managed that this time.

Off for a few days

It feels strange dashing off and not taking the kids. They'll be OK here and A still has Uni and L is studying for her exams so it probably helps that we are out of the way.

I'm off out tonight and that suits me too as I can stop work in an about an hour and just relax up and not need to come back to this until I get back.

The B&B we are staying in isn't far from my parents and so that will mean we can pop our heads in and book in and then just walk or drive around the corner to see them, they don't have to "put up with us" either so we can leave at a reasonable hour and go have a drink at the pub rather than disturb their evening.

Who knows I might even see my kid brother whilst we are there. I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or so but then he's too busy making a living - of course - if he had an experience like mine then he'd probably look at that work / home relationship slightly differently but he does travel a hell of a long way to work too so that can't help.

I'm waiting to hear when I'm due in next to the Hospital, I imagine I should know in the next 3 weeks or so when that will be.

I also need to work on a change in habit - spring is coming along and I want to get back into doing some more exercise and moving away from my desk which I tend to sit at for 10 hours a day. At least it wont feel like the middle of the night when I'm doing that. All I need to do is get myself in the right frame of mind and just to follow my instincts and actually get up and walk away from the PC occasionally :-)

Rest up this week

Well after tomorrow I will. I was still working even though it was the weekend even though I said I wouldn't I still did but the difference was that I just re read loads of our original paperwork and that's got my gear into gear for what needs to be done in the next few weeks.

At least I'll have a few days off to see my folks and their new house. I've a feeling this is the 4th or maybe 5th move in the time I've lived in my house. I'm not nomadic I guess. We moved a lot when we were kids and teens.

It takes out most of my week but that's OK by me. I know that I need the break and I know that I should take it too. It's hard work, it needs to be done but a day or two off will refresh my head and let me get to it. It's not as if a few days will make that much difference.

Sometimes Stuff Just Happens

And it is as if I'm not there - it happens all around me and no one responds or talks to me they are embroiled in their own little world it as if I'm watching it unfold as a film goer or voyeur.

Ever seen the film the 6th Sense? Well if you have it made me wonder if I really was there or not?

Hopefully I am not like the main character in the 6th Sense though but you never know - it would explain some of the stuff that goes on around here :-)

Relax

I should do but I don't much these days. Crazy as it seems the workload is really heavy - when I do stop I collapse in a heap in the chair and fall asleep. I do too much and again I am sat at my computer on a Saturday just adding to my work. Of course one of the problems is that it is just the two of us now going forward. Any chance of getting any one else to do the hard work has gone as we are a country mile ahead of people in where we are, how the ideas have developed, how the costs hang together and how the business works and how it all will hang together. It's a shame really that we have been left on our own like this. It is totally without malice or anything else its just that they can't come on the journey with us. They have wives, families, mortgages and need to get out there and make some money regularly and to meet commitments.

Their somewhat romantic view of building a business is just that, a view that somehow a business will build itself that talking long enough about it will make it happen. The reality is in fact very different and the sheer amount of graft that has gone into the latest set of documents and financial plans is breathtaking in its complexity and effort. But it is all good stuff.

So more reason to get a break which is what I intend to do now.

Next week I am away for three days to see my parents which will give me every opportunity to stop, slow down and to just relax and take it easy. We are staying 5 or 10 minutes away in a country pub B&B which will be nice as we wont have to spend all out time at my parents. It could be just the break I need to get some energy back for the next stage.

I ought to do this more

Get out and go see some live music and enjoy myself and enjoy the company of people like me and just enjoy life and all that stuff. I got to shake hands with Colin Bluntstone tonight and say thanks you for such a great evening. Now you know I'm really bad in crowds but these were mainly people of my age who grew up with the same music and it was all just a great evening out and enjoying it and smiling at strangers and sharing the experiences (without hallucinogenic drugs) although beer helps.

Not sure what the lady next to me was on and as usual, I attract the loonies at dos like this :-) but we had a good jig and dance around and shared some memories and laughs before she disappeared off somewhere.

What a great night - I ought to do more of this sort of thing. Just lovely to get out and go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself without having to organise it or be one of the doers - just go along and relax.

I keep saying it - I don't do enough of this - about time I ate my own dog food and listened to my own advice.

PR or Fund - Raising Advice Sought

Not for me but for Jeanne over in the US. See the blog here.

Whilst I've been involved in PR and Fund-Raising this is in a club type environment where I have a captive audience and so I'm not exactly qualified but perhaps if you are you can assist in thinking of constructive ways to raise money. If you are in the US - even better as you'll know your local rules and what works well in the US.

Thanks for reading - hope you can help.

Well how strange is that

On the 4th February last year my mate called and we went out to see Colin Bluntstone as you can see in this blog. Last Thursday the same chap said would I like to go and see Colin Bluntstone as he was playing at the same place. I doubt that he would remember that it was ust over a year ago on a Thursday we saw him last time. Spookily enough I saw him on a whim when I worked down at Swindon.

Small world - I hope he is as good as he was last time we saw him - it was a good evening.

Tired again

Well another long day and a lot more work done and the slog of it make me very tired. It is just hard grind it out head work and so a full 8 hours worth of it makes you tired.

I'm off to bed early for once and hope that it will sort me out for tomorrow. I'm out tomorrow evening to a concert which will be nice. Colin Blunstone once again is playing locally so off to see the show better than last week and the week before with funerals - well I hope so :-)

Feeling good apart from this damn ticklish cough and the tiredness of course.

Worked myself to a standstill today

By 4:30 in the afternoon I was absolutely drained so sat down and watched a couple of DVDs and also had to dash off to friends to rescue their photos from their PC hard drive! Makes what I'm doing with the business more and more important I'm sure.

Niggling cough is driving me mad. Hope it will go away soon but for now little coughs all the time which is just plain annoying.

We are really bashing out the work at the moment and getting closer to our goal of getting investor ready. It takes time though and it takes a concerted effort hence I was so tired as I did 8 hours solid writing today and I really felt drained by then.

Feeling good though and concentrating on work is fine - the days seem to fly by and I'm sure one day I'll find that all the hard stuff is done and we can sit back and review it and say it was a good job done.

Goodness me

where did the weekend go to? I'm not posting as much as I used to but that should be a good sign as it means it isn't as important any more and I find myself so engrossed in what we are building that days are beginning to slip by and I'm not thinking Bladder Cancer as much as I used to. My preoccupation with it is waning and at last I am beginning to think that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the light from an oncoming train but more likely the sunshine pouring in from the journey I've been on.

I'm hoping that things can just get better now and that whatever dark place I've been to can stay behind me and that the rest of my life can be brighter, more optimistic and more rewarding again. It's been a pretty hellish 4 1/2 years and it isn't quite over yet but things are moving in the right direction and that's a start.

I've now also come to terms with the reality of the "team" not actually quite being a team and leaving just a few of us to battle to the conclusion of our company setup and there's an inevitability about it. I wrote some time ago that I realised that we were on our own and then I dropped a note out to a few friends and got back an interesting message, it was this:

"You've been 'playing fair' to everyone. giving them the benefit of the doubt, giving them room to edge out of doing things, helping them through their family and work traumas and generally doing everything that you'd expect them to do to you". I guess because I'm like that, it is true, I have tried my hardest to accommodate everyone but, the rub is that they have been getting on with their own lives in that time, doing what they wanted to do and being fair to themselves and not to me. This really is how it is.

I'm off at a tangent for a moment so forgive me. I asked how I should celebrate my 5 years clear this July and got responses back but the ones that suddenly made sense were to thank my close friends (those who had been there for me) and then to go and do something for me. Finally, do something for yourself - to me, that said it all because, of course, I've hardly done anything for myself in all that time.

So back to the earlier piece. I've been fair to everyone, I've used up my patience and I've been let down so how to react. Well, not in a vengeful or spiteful way - not at all. I'm just going to drop the communication now, expect nothing - which is what I normally get - and carry on regardless. Together with my business partner, we've made all the sacrifices and together, we will take our ideas forward. The team will have no further major input as they've not earnt it and they've not done anything for it either. They actually know this but haven't got the balls to own up to it.

That's why things are different today, I've got rid of that monkey on my shoulder and can move on business wise now and I know that I've freed my head up knowing that they aren't treating me with the same levels of respect that I've been treating them with. After all, they have jobs and other things to attend to and are getting on with their own lives - time - frankly - that I did the same and got on with mine.

It hurts me because of the way I am but I just need to remind myself of those words "But are these people being fair to you?" The answer is always no so there should be no guilt. I'm working on it :-)

The Hollow Man

That's how I feel today. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it would be and the funeral was a Humanist one which was interesting, lots of words and his favourite music. Lots of fond memories and it was a bit sad and a bit funny too. They had dug out some of his old movies and he made comedy sketches which meant that we were laughing and enjoying seeing him again.

It was such a shame that he died in the way he did but sometimes better to go and none of us ever have to see the person we treasured getting old, frail, ill etc? Here was how we remembered him. a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other. Lovely memories of growing up and him being there.

So - hollow man? I'm exhausted from these two funerals and the draining effect they've had on me.

On Wednesday I heard an interesting explanation about why post cancer survivors have this "energy" problem - it's probably written down somewhere or who knows it could be a joint theory of ours :-) What we discussed was that whilst we are being treated, especially immunotherapy or Radio or Chemo we are in a heightened state - somewhat like the level of combat troops and that's why Post Cancer Fatigue is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have the fright or flight response and your adrenaline is pumping along with other essential responses. Imagine if you will holding the fear and fright inside you and it is probably true that you don't let too many (if any) people know just what terrors are running around in your head. Playing with the will it work or won't it? Will I live? Will I die horribly? What am I going to tell the kids? And all of that going on is bound to eat away at you. That keeps you in a heightened state, that uses your reserves. When you need them - you haven't got as much (if any) as you had before and it takes time to rebuild and restock. So when you are already running on empty you run out of steam very quickly.

It may sound like a load of old tosh of course :-) However I tend to think it is near the truth because of the drained feeling I get after these sorts of stressful things. In addition, going to funerals brings back sharp memories of what lies in wait for us all eventually but in my case and I'm sure other cancer survivors - it brings things sharply back into focus about just how lucky I was and what living means.

Out to Canterbury

To see a very nice man who shares the cancer experience with myself and my business partner. They both had Prostate Cancer so in the same sort of area and many of the tales were the same. Interesting that he is a good few years ahead of us but had a horrible time with the ups and downs of it all. I can agree on that but I didn't get the sort of downs he did. Dark and horrible as mine were his were far worse, far , far worse.

Anyway, it was lovely to get to see him and have a coffee and long chat. He is mentor to A for her photography and it was a real privilege to see his studio. There aren't that many film photographers around these days - everything is Digital. He makes sure A can have access whenever she wants it and he is very good on advice and assistance too.

Well- better get off to bed or I'll have another rubbish night. Had the most awful night and disturbed dreams. Hope to get some better rest but now I have this silly cough which is driving me mad, I hope that goes too overnight.