On days like these it is invaluable to me to just unload onto the blog. I don't remember ever being a complicated person or indeed a particularly deep thinker, worrier or much else before I had cancer. I would never have run a daily journal let alone a blog.
Blogs are cathartic because you can do a number of things with them - I imagine you could hone your writing and storytelling skills, you can use it for fiction or fact or a line somewhere in between.
You can tell the truth, half truth or lie. You can run a journal of random thoughts a bit like this one or be more focussed on a subject.
To me the usefulness of blogging is actually like today. I need to go talk to someone or write it down to analyse it if you will. I actually know that I'm meant to be following a path of not analysing stuff but somehow today was like going back 3 or 4 years to days of the Black Dog to days of real anguish and pain and suffering and well I shouldn't be feeling this right now I shouldn't be digging up the old stuff. I thought I'd got away from all of that and I thought I was stronger than all that.
Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I decided to change my life for ever to get rid of all the shackles that had bound me mind and body. It is never going to happen overnight and without resistance to change - we are humans and we actually don't embrace change as well as we like to think we do. In many ways there's a feeling especially for someone with my particularly "tight" ordered mind that you are launching yourself off an abyss, that is why it is so hard for me to do it. The unknown doesn't sit comfortably with me, I want to know, be in control all the time and to be prepared to give up the things that make me, me is a huge ask. But that's what I did for better or worse and so far it has been a struggle, it hasn't been plain sailing but then again, some of the rewards so far have more than made up for it.
Today is a flashback day, my body and my mind are fighting it out and my mind has resorted to dirty tactics. Fighting dirty is I suppose one way and maybe if that's the last resort then maybe I'm on the way to winning but it is the depravity of my mind's comments the vicious way it accuses me and the torment going on in my head I don't like. How can your own mind wish such wanton destruction on itself? Don't get this wrong it isn't anywhere near suicidal thoughts or that sort of thing far from it. This is a constant series of bullying snipes at my self belief and self esteem system. It's as if you are being bullied all the time but it's in your head.
Stuff like, and yet it appears trivial, you failed at being a father, or you haven't had a job for a while because you aren't any good, you shouldn't have survived cancer, you are a failure and so many other things like this but some too distressing to put to paper. Being told you aren't good enough for someone or anything to do with some sort of rejection are the worst I find. These things aren't even remotely true and don't stand up to scrutiny - that's the thing they aren't even rational thoughts. What they are, are a constant stream of negative energy eating away at me and my self confidence (what little of that I have) and its just intent on pulling me down - it doesn't want me to be happy, it nit picks on any slight doubt I have and goes for it.
So I have a doubt about something let's say, I was worried about something I'd said to someone and wasn't sure if they'd heard that right. It would worry me a little but now what is happening is it gets blown out of all proportion by my head and suddenly its a full blown crises and I start to doubt myself. I know what this is, I have to deal with it and now because whilst I've always had this constant "head battle" since I got cancer I don't need this right now, I need something different I need the real me to be talking inside my head not the demons.
I've never needed the real me to be there for me more than now, to guide and help me, to finally make me believe in myself and to "be me" to help me to form the right sentences that mean what they say and that aren't trite. To look into people's eyes when I speak to them, to stop looking at the floor or elsewhere, to be self confident, to show the real me, to be the real me. Now more than ever when I've picked myself up from all the cr@p that's come my way, where I've got something to strive for, to live for, to aspire to, now, when I need the backbone and the courage to get rid of my inhibitions and shyness, my lack of self confidence and low self esteem just when I get some way towards that - the bloody demons come and threaten to take it all away. It's not fair and I feel it eat at my chest and my head like some poison not wanting me to move on and not wanting me to be free.
This is a pretty upsetting blog for me as it made me realise that despite all the good stuff going on in my life right now there is still so much inner turmoil to get rid of. I can actually feel the stress as I am catching my breath a fair bit and feeling a little sick. I don't think that this is like it was 6 years ago at all, it is just a lot of self doubt and not knowing how to handle situations using my heart and not my brain.
It was never going to be easy to travel down a road that I am unfamiliar with - whilst all this is happening to me, I don't intend to turn away from it, good will win and I will conquer this - it's just and if I might address my inner mind here "I DON'T FFFFING WELL NEED THIS RIGHT NOW SO P!SS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!" there, that's better.
I need a hug :-)
Monday, July 01, 2013
Sleepless in somewhere that isn't Seattle
Sometimes I don't get stuff. If things aren't crystal clear and I know exactly what is being said I get very confused. I can't compute phrases that disguise perhaps another meaning. Of course I can get day to day wordplay but this is different. This is where things are said in code, things are said that may perhaps be the opposite of what they mean.
Few words were said yesterday and I just didn't understand them. Tried to get my head around them but suddenly it was as if I'd never learnt English at school because I ran out of words to say to respond. I felt like I was in a room of strangers and unable to attract any attention or have anything to say or to start a conversation with. I don't think I've ever felt so utterly alone before - this was just for a few minutes it was absolutely terrifying to me and completely shook me to the core. I've never ever been in such a strange place/world before.
In many ways I don't understand the meaning behind the words but what I took them to mean was to perhaps jump to conclusions perhaps reach into my mind and pick up on all those pieces of ammunition I beat myself up with. For suddenly I was using my own self doubt and anti self confidence bullets to beat myself up mentally and that was it. It was like being assaulted by your own thoughts and beaten into a corner with all those doubts and stinging criticisms about yourself only your own mind can conjure up. They didn't stop although I managed to stave off some of the attack, they kicked ten bells of sh1t out of me whilst I slept and when I woke this morning I felt I'd done a full ten rounds.
I actually woke feeling relatively OK considering I should be in the darkest depths after that onslaught. I do feel weak and a little emotional this morning but that's just because of how hurtful my brain was to me last night.
I can't perhaps tell you how upsetting it is to have this as during the dark days of Bladder Cancer, during those treatments and the traumatic stress that they induced, these "voices" were always clawing at my self confidence and ripping away at your mind. Dark days indeed, Imagine your own mind saying to you "you're gonna die", "you're a wimp after you've had your treatment". It's SO upsetting to have your head do this to you but that's Depression folks, it does that to you, it finds the smallest little chink in your armour and sticks a lever in there and prises that open then finds another and so on. This silent battle goes on all the time you are suffering.
Eventually you get over it (or I did I'm sure some poor people battle this every day) and you park this stuff at the back of your mind. Yesterday, it got released (I thought perhaps I'd killed it off) and unleashed itself on me overnight in a torrent of abuse and misinformation and lies and deceit aimed only at making me miserable. I'm not going to fall into its clutches, it's all gone and is banished back to where it came from but it has left me really drained this morning and quite emotional. Unleashing the demons I can do without how dare they do this to me? I get a way out presented to me and there's light at the end of this particularly dark tunnel I've travelled along and my own mind wants me not to go there.
I suppose it was churlish of me to expect this next phase of my journey to go easy. Perhaps I'm not destined to have joy and happiness dropped into my lap, maybe I have to work now even harder to achieve it? I won't let these doubts that are assailing me and these awful questions written by Hades himself come and get me the reward is far greater and failure cannot be an option, I didn't live so that I could not be a better person and reach for greater things in life. That path lies before me, I hadn't realised it would be strewn with mines and bombs not from my enemies but from my own mind.
I know out there lies real happiness and contentment (I must get to a point where I am going to be happy with myself), wonderment, enjoyment and love, above all there must be love because that would bring the whole journey together.
Few words were said yesterday and I just didn't understand them. Tried to get my head around them but suddenly it was as if I'd never learnt English at school because I ran out of words to say to respond. I felt like I was in a room of strangers and unable to attract any attention or have anything to say or to start a conversation with. I don't think I've ever felt so utterly alone before - this was just for a few minutes it was absolutely terrifying to me and completely shook me to the core. I've never ever been in such a strange place/world before.
In many ways I don't understand the meaning behind the words but what I took them to mean was to perhaps jump to conclusions perhaps reach into my mind and pick up on all those pieces of ammunition I beat myself up with. For suddenly I was using my own self doubt and anti self confidence bullets to beat myself up mentally and that was it. It was like being assaulted by your own thoughts and beaten into a corner with all those doubts and stinging criticisms about yourself only your own mind can conjure up. They didn't stop although I managed to stave off some of the attack, they kicked ten bells of sh1t out of me whilst I slept and when I woke this morning I felt I'd done a full ten rounds.
I actually woke feeling relatively OK considering I should be in the darkest depths after that onslaught. I do feel weak and a little emotional this morning but that's just because of how hurtful my brain was to me last night.
I can't perhaps tell you how upsetting it is to have this as during the dark days of Bladder Cancer, during those treatments and the traumatic stress that they induced, these "voices" were always clawing at my self confidence and ripping away at your mind. Dark days indeed, Imagine your own mind saying to you "you're gonna die", "you're a wimp after you've had your treatment". It's SO upsetting to have your head do this to you but that's Depression folks, it does that to you, it finds the smallest little chink in your armour and sticks a lever in there and prises that open then finds another and so on. This silent battle goes on all the time you are suffering.
Eventually you get over it (or I did I'm sure some poor people battle this every day) and you park this stuff at the back of your mind. Yesterday, it got released (I thought perhaps I'd killed it off) and unleashed itself on me overnight in a torrent of abuse and misinformation and lies and deceit aimed only at making me miserable. I'm not going to fall into its clutches, it's all gone and is banished back to where it came from but it has left me really drained this morning and quite emotional. Unleashing the demons I can do without how dare they do this to me? I get a way out presented to me and there's light at the end of this particularly dark tunnel I've travelled along and my own mind wants me not to go there.
I suppose it was churlish of me to expect this next phase of my journey to go easy. Perhaps I'm not destined to have joy and happiness dropped into my lap, maybe I have to work now even harder to achieve it? I won't let these doubts that are assailing me and these awful questions written by Hades himself come and get me the reward is far greater and failure cannot be an option, I didn't live so that I could not be a better person and reach for greater things in life. That path lies before me, I hadn't realised it would be strewn with mines and bombs not from my enemies but from my own mind.
I know out there lies real happiness and contentment (I must get to a point where I am going to be happy with myself), wonderment, enjoyment and love, above all there must be love because that would bring the whole journey together.
So I'll leave you and me with this rather lovely number by Camel - it's the overall sentiment and not the lyrics that I like and the beautiful melody. When I used to sit and listen to music a lot I'd invariably put this on as the last track.
Decrypting Messages
My head doesn't work very well cryptically at all and so if I get an obtuse phrase used or one that doesn't compute in my brain it normally throws me a real curve ball.
I've had a number of these that either I'm just sensitive about or that don't appear to say what they are asking. Having the devil's own job trying to work out what to do with them.
I've had a number of these that either I'm just sensitive about or that don't appear to say what they are asking. Having the devil's own job trying to work out what to do with them.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Keeping The Faith
It is difficult to follow a direction that is counter intuitive to the way you have lived your life until now - some 55 years worth of control and thought and steady as you go. It is difficult to keep to the path so actually you ironically end up thinking more because you are struggling and battling against being all sensible and logical and have to stop and think to make yourself stay on the chosen path.
Damn its difficult for me but I'm getting there. There's other complications as undoubtedly those around wonder what is going on too. Got some curious looks from Mrs. F. this morning - I was up early had breakfast and was enjoying a coffee in the sun by 8 am. I just get up now when my alarm goes, I don't feel tired at all - I put that down to my diet and neither do I get as fatigued as I used to. Hell I even look and feel slim even though I think I'd still like to drop as much again over the next year and get myself back to a fighting weight. Having moved on a bit from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet I'm now following the Low Carb, High Fat diet shown HERE. I am however still not touching milk or yoghurt or anything like that but Cottage Cheese I have occasionally I am having ordinary cheese more often now and have slowed down on the legumes side for calorific carb load. My Blood Glucose readings are in the high 4 to low 5 range now which is good and I intend to see if I can get them to the high 3 low 4 range over the next 6 to 8 weeks.
My blood pressure isn't too bad but fluctuates a fair bit. I've stressed myself out like crazy these past few weeks and that can't have helped. The good news today is in fact they have dipped to the 120 over 80 area that I'm targeting which is great - the diet should bring the Blood Pressure down a bit further and who knows eventually bring it to some sort of nice low level.
It is a difficult day in other ways today, I would have liked to have been elsewhere but that can't be fixed, helped or even be possible and so I'm stuck at home. Mind you the British GP is on, it IS cheat day (something I've kept from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet) and so that's a small relief I suppose.
I love the picture they use for the diet too:
Damn its difficult for me but I'm getting there. There's other complications as undoubtedly those around wonder what is going on too. Got some curious looks from Mrs. F. this morning - I was up early had breakfast and was enjoying a coffee in the sun by 8 am. I just get up now when my alarm goes, I don't feel tired at all - I put that down to my diet and neither do I get as fatigued as I used to. Hell I even look and feel slim even though I think I'd still like to drop as much again over the next year and get myself back to a fighting weight. Having moved on a bit from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet I'm now following the Low Carb, High Fat diet shown HERE. I am however still not touching milk or yoghurt or anything like that but Cottage Cheese I have occasionally I am having ordinary cheese more often now and have slowed down on the legumes side for calorific carb load. My Blood Glucose readings are in the high 4 to low 5 range now which is good and I intend to see if I can get them to the high 3 low 4 range over the next 6 to 8 weeks.
My blood pressure isn't too bad but fluctuates a fair bit. I've stressed myself out like crazy these past few weeks and that can't have helped. The good news today is in fact they have dipped to the 120 over 80 area that I'm targeting which is great - the diet should bring the Blood Pressure down a bit further and who knows eventually bring it to some sort of nice low level.
It is a difficult day in other ways today, I would have liked to have been elsewhere but that can't be fixed, helped or even be possible and so I'm stuck at home. Mind you the British GP is on, it IS cheat day (something I've kept from the Tim Ferriss 4HB diet) and so that's a small relief I suppose.
I love the picture they use for the diet too:
It kind of says it all really :-) Man should be much taller and slimmer than he is now according to the research and I have to say - whilst I love my beer (and once a week is a my treat) I really don't want to get as big as I was last year. It was actually quite bad on my health now I look back, panic attacks and claustrophobia, totally unfit, sweating and out of breath everywhere. Hope I never go back there again. But at least I know what to eat to keep me in shape and now I've got to the point where I'm losing the odd pound here and there it means that I can just continue until I hit my ideal weight - the one nature intended for me to have.
The Titanic Battle of Matter Over Mind
It went something along the lines of "I don't mind and you don't matter" as I recall but the essence is that I've been trying to rid myself of many years worth of introverted thinking, negative thinking perhaps and doing everything in a way that smacks of running a business when I'm actually running my life.
On the basis of you will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take I've finally jumped headlong into the abyss and gone with my feelings, let my heart (if you can call a muscle a decision making bodily organ) guide my actions and here I am. I'm OK and whilst I have sort of made this transition it isn't at all easy for me. But I've got to let this run its course and lets see where we go from here.
If I can ever get my brain to just take a back seat for a while I'll know whether or not I'm going to succeed.
On the basis of you will always miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take I've finally jumped headlong into the abyss and gone with my feelings, let my heart (if you can call a muscle a decision making bodily organ) guide my actions and here I am. I'm OK and whilst I have sort of made this transition it isn't at all easy for me. But I've got to let this run its course and lets see where we go from here.
If I can ever get my brain to just take a back seat for a while I'll know whether or not I'm going to succeed.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Anger At The New Dawn
Here we are, the morning after and the dawn in my life and this day contains mixed messages. The sun hasn't burnt its way through the clouds this morning and I guess you can say the same for me. The body IS willing but the Mind is strong and doesn't want to concede power. It's a fight between good and evil or maybe between heart and mind or sense and nonsense - I don't know which it is I just wish it would stop it and let me be.
It's not schizophrenia but it is a constant battle of wills. To go against my normal calculating, theorising, practical, science driven type mind and just to cut loose is what I'm after. Abandon may be too descriptive a word for it but you can get the idea, it's about being cast adrift and having no control over where you drift to or what your future will be. My mind is hanging on and being sensible and after all these years it's a battle to stop it being like that.
You see, whilst it is great to have that sort of ability in a business situation someone who can instantly see all the benefits, risks, issues, contingencies and outcomes within seconds of seeing a proposal it is pants at anything where it requires you not to think at all. Not to evaluate and assess, factor in various risk criteria and strategies. No it shouldn't be like that at all. I'm thinking the only real times I get like that are when i've had a lot to drink when the alcohol beats my common sense hands down. Maybe that's an answer but I wouldn't like to wander around live half cut all the time. Alcohol is great once in awhile but every day? See what just happened there? Now analysing a flippant statement about alcohol - is there no hope for me? :-)
I did take a big step away yesterday but not half as much as I should have. So annoyed with myself and knew I was bloody well doing it too. Probably a good idea to blow my brains out with a straw next time :-)
Oh yes - and what am I doing writing this if not bloody well analysing it. Strewth - I lose patience with me sometimes. Doh!
It's not schizophrenia but it is a constant battle of wills. To go against my normal calculating, theorising, practical, science driven type mind and just to cut loose is what I'm after. Abandon may be too descriptive a word for it but you can get the idea, it's about being cast adrift and having no control over where you drift to or what your future will be. My mind is hanging on and being sensible and after all these years it's a battle to stop it being like that.
You see, whilst it is great to have that sort of ability in a business situation someone who can instantly see all the benefits, risks, issues, contingencies and outcomes within seconds of seeing a proposal it is pants at anything where it requires you not to think at all. Not to evaluate and assess, factor in various risk criteria and strategies. No it shouldn't be like that at all. I'm thinking the only real times I get like that are when i've had a lot to drink when the alcohol beats my common sense hands down. Maybe that's an answer but I wouldn't like to wander around live half cut all the time. Alcohol is great once in awhile but every day? See what just happened there? Now analysing a flippant statement about alcohol - is there no hope for me? :-)
I did take a big step away yesterday but not half as much as I should have. So annoyed with myself and knew I was bloody well doing it too. Probably a good idea to blow my brains out with a straw next time :-)
Oh yes - and what am I doing writing this if not bloody well analysing it. Strewth - I lose patience with me sometimes. Doh!
Well That Was Harder Work
Dammit, dammit, dammit, did I let go? Almost, bloody well almost. Habit of a lifetime difficult to break I suppose. Kicking myself for only letting part of me go not all of me! A bit annoyed that after all the work I'd done, all the preparation and I fell at the last bloody hurdle. It wasn't all a disaster by any means, it moved things on for me but how annoyed am I that I knew what I was doing and didn't just didn't let go that last 10% - trying too hard perhaps?
The upside is that the 90% was great and I'm feeling much better about the situation than I was. Stuff changing and I perhaps wanted too much too soon - after all I've got more than 40 perhaps 50 years of the old me to change. It's Elephant eating - how do you eat an Elephant? A bit at a time that's how. I tried to eat the sodding zoo! You can't break the habits of a lifetime and I tried and screwed that up. Just need to approach it a bit better next time whenever that comes along.
Actually though feeling very good on the 90% and will just have to sort myself out for the 10%.
But the questions as to whether I'm happy or not? Yes I am, things moved on a great deal today and somehow the shift in emphasis has happened which is great but I probably do need Flocky to slap me around the face because whilst I didn't analyse things, I just couldn't let my emotions take over entirely - so I need that slap to get me out of the old me and into the new me :-)
Has this changed my life forever? Undoubtedly yes - I've just got to work really hard now to keep on making progress.
The upside is that the 90% was great and I'm feeling much better about the situation than I was. Stuff changing and I perhaps wanted too much too soon - after all I've got more than 40 perhaps 50 years of the old me to change. It's Elephant eating - how do you eat an Elephant? A bit at a time that's how. I tried to eat the sodding zoo! You can't break the habits of a lifetime and I tried and screwed that up. Just need to approach it a bit better next time whenever that comes along.
Actually though feeling very good on the 90% and will just have to sort myself out for the 10%.
But the questions as to whether I'm happy or not? Yes I am, things moved on a great deal today and somehow the shift in emphasis has happened which is great but I probably do need Flocky to slap me around the face because whilst I didn't analyse things, I just couldn't let my emotions take over entirely - so I need that slap to get me out of the old me and into the new me :-)
Has this changed my life forever? Undoubtedly yes - I've just got to work really hard now to keep on making progress.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sick to the pit of my stomach
Hell what is wrong with me? I couldn't eat breakfast at all, went off for a coffee, felt great this morning and now feel well a bit sick if truth be known. It's nerves, excitement, trepidation and all things rolled into one :-)
Not long to go now until I throw myself off the edge (metaphorically !!) it's like taking the first step in business - you have just got to step off the curb and hope there's road underneath when your foot falls. My inner self is fighting and the battle the result of which rests on a hair's breath one way or the other. Captain Sensible is battling Lord Flashheart for supremacy well probably not quite as "in your face" as him :-) Just the schizophrenia of being me fighting it all out and head and heart fighting a duel to see who will come out on top. I already know the answer but my head doesn't like it :-)
It's as easy as this, just get your arse in gear, get out into the world, shrug off the insular, geeky, bookworm, studious, philosopher me and let (what's left of) your hair down, lose control, do something totally irrational and don't worry about it, go outside your comfort zone and revel in it. It's not like having a few too many drinks although that may help I guess. It's about the other you, the one you've always thought about and secretly thought you could be, it's believing in yourself, trusting your instincts, going wild, going crazy, celebrating life, not worrying about what other people think about you, perhaps not worrying about other people's feelings and pleasing yourself.
I've earnt that surely I've taken such body blows and mental blows in the past 6 or 7 years that at last, I really deserve to go out there and be me, who I want to be, what I want to do? I must do this today and if it works out then I've got direction, purpose and something to look forward to in my life and what's left of it. What's the purpose of getting through all that cr@p and not enjoying yourself, being one with yourself and moving forward? Too long I've sat here theorising and planning and scheming and avoiding the decisions, hard as they maybe. Today's the day to man up, get a grip and move forward. Here's to me overcoming all the demons inside me wanting me to return to the pit of self pity, introvert over analysis, wrestling with the rights and wrongs of life, the universe, social injustice and all that when frankly it can all go to hell in a hand cart, it's not my problem, it's not why I survived, it's not where my future lies.
No those demons can disappear back where they belong, their tiny sharp claws can take no further purchase on me. I won't let them hold me back any longer, I've had enough of this half life this dark land where cancer plunged me. I have a chance to rise above all of that now and whether or not I succeed it won't be for the want of trying.
I still feel sick and very nervous, it's like stage fright I used to get before gigs. A certain amount of stress is good of course as it heightens your senses and gets your system ready for flight or fight mode - the side effect of queasiness, pumping heart, raised blood pressure and all that combined make me more determined than ever to go on.
As my old mate Buzz Lightyear is inclined to say at times like this "To Infinity and beyond!" Bless you Buzz, infinity and beyond here I come - just watch out life I've got years and years and years of catching up to do :-)
Not long to go now until I throw myself off the edge (metaphorically !!) it's like taking the first step in business - you have just got to step off the curb and hope there's road underneath when your foot falls. My inner self is fighting and the battle the result of which rests on a hair's breath one way or the other. Captain Sensible is battling Lord Flashheart for supremacy well probably not quite as "in your face" as him :-) Just the schizophrenia of being me fighting it all out and head and heart fighting a duel to see who will come out on top. I already know the answer but my head doesn't like it :-)
It's as easy as this, just get your arse in gear, get out into the world, shrug off the insular, geeky, bookworm, studious, philosopher me and let (what's left of) your hair down, lose control, do something totally irrational and don't worry about it, go outside your comfort zone and revel in it. It's not like having a few too many drinks although that may help I guess. It's about the other you, the one you've always thought about and secretly thought you could be, it's believing in yourself, trusting your instincts, going wild, going crazy, celebrating life, not worrying about what other people think about you, perhaps not worrying about other people's feelings and pleasing yourself.
I've earnt that surely I've taken such body blows and mental blows in the past 6 or 7 years that at last, I really deserve to go out there and be me, who I want to be, what I want to do? I must do this today and if it works out then I've got direction, purpose and something to look forward to in my life and what's left of it. What's the purpose of getting through all that cr@p and not enjoying yourself, being one with yourself and moving forward? Too long I've sat here theorising and planning and scheming and avoiding the decisions, hard as they maybe. Today's the day to man up, get a grip and move forward. Here's to me overcoming all the demons inside me wanting me to return to the pit of self pity, introvert over analysis, wrestling with the rights and wrongs of life, the universe, social injustice and all that when frankly it can all go to hell in a hand cart, it's not my problem, it's not why I survived, it's not where my future lies.
No those demons can disappear back where they belong, their tiny sharp claws can take no further purchase on me. I won't let them hold me back any longer, I've had enough of this half life this dark land where cancer plunged me. I have a chance to rise above all of that now and whether or not I succeed it won't be for the want of trying.
I still feel sick and very nervous, it's like stage fright I used to get before gigs. A certain amount of stress is good of course as it heightens your senses and gets your system ready for flight or fight mode - the side effect of queasiness, pumping heart, raised blood pressure and all that combined make me more determined than ever to go on.
As my old mate Buzz Lightyear is inclined to say at times like this "To Infinity and beyond!" Bless you Buzz, infinity and beyond here I come - just watch out life I've got years and years and years of catching up to do :-)
Coffee And A Slap Around The Face
Well a good morning, wandered over to see Flocky Bicep for coffee. Bless him, he's really great to chat to and brings me down to earth and cheers me up, not that I needed cheering up this morning. Am top of the world at the moment but we were chatting about me finally letting go of my over analytical style and so he has promised me that if he finds me analyzing what's going on in my life he is going to slap me about :-)
It wouldn't be the first time he's given me a slap. Funniest moment ever in a pub in London and Flocky and I met up. There was a chap a table away from us eating. Unbeknown to Flocky I knew this chap so I slid over and took a chip off his plate. Flocky was horrified and gave me a big slap right across the face saying something along the lines of "How dare you steal that man's chip!"
Loved it when I said "Can I introduce you to Tony C, I work with him" :-) It reminds me of the slap that Captain Jack Sparrow gets in Pirates of the Caribbean, "I didn't deserve that" and on the second "I deserved that one though" :-)
Here's hoping my day gets progressively better.
It wouldn't be the first time he's given me a slap. Funniest moment ever in a pub in London and Flocky and I met up. There was a chap a table away from us eating. Unbeknown to Flocky I knew this chap so I slid over and took a chip off his plate. Flocky was horrified and gave me a big slap right across the face saying something along the lines of "How dare you steal that man's chip!"
Loved it when I said "Can I introduce you to Tony C, I work with him" :-) It reminds me of the slap that Captain Jack Sparrow gets in Pirates of the Caribbean, "I didn't deserve that" and on the second "I deserved that one though" :-)
Here's hoping my day gets progressively better.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Friday On My Mind
Will be a funny old day and so have drafted in good old Flocky Bicep to stick copious quantities of coffee down my neck to start the day off. Then I'll do some local shopping and then gird my loins and sort myself out ready to go out. It will be a long day but I have a number of chores for morning and early afternoon that will hopefully keep my mind focussed.
Have to say I'm terribly nervous, a little scared, somewhat excited and as ready as I'll ever be. I don't think I'll need luck but I will need to let myself just relax and go a little.
Have to say I'm terribly nervous, a little scared, somewhat excited and as ready as I'll ever be. I don't think I'll need luck but I will need to let myself just relax and go a little.
The Tipping Point
The Tipping Point is a book by Malcolm Gladwell and it came to mind this evening - it isn't quite the same as in the context of the book but it sort of wraps up what I'm feeling about life, the universe and all that good stuff at the moment.
The TIpping point we were looking at is that when a product goes viral and once people are aware of it everyone appears to know how to use it and bang off you go. I guess smart phones could be thought of that way. Few have them to start with then people hear about them, then they get affordable and suddenly millions are sold daily.
My Tipping Point is actually going to be an emotional one. Tomorrow, Friday 28th June 2013 marks a very important day in my life. Equally as important as two weeks ago today and the 18th June - so now I'm talking in riddles to you but it will all become clear later on as things move on in my life. Tomorrow I will change the way I think about my life forever. It marks a day where things will suddenly change beyond all recognition for me. I've planned my day out, I've braced myself and I will attempt to forget my usual logical, methodical, analytical self and just go with my heart and my emotions, not for a long time but long enough. I will act with my heart and not me brain, I will step so far outside of my comfort zone that I will be a bit of a wreck but that's the thing. If I don't try, if I don't actually go for it, then I can remain as I am now and I really don't like that thought at all.
I've actually gone nowhere in the 5 years or so that I've been clear of Cancer. Perhaps I should say that I've gone somewhere and that's round in circles. Nothing has changed apart from I got better. Nobody else has changed and even if I wanted to, they aren't going to change just because of me.
So I've got to step out now and please myself, need to take myself out of the comfort of my current life and see what it could be like on the other side. I BET it is scary, I bet it is also exciting and I bet that it will provide me with the necessary information to tip towards it and a new life or back to the comfort of my present existence.
Yes I'm still being enigmatic, it doesn't make sense to me at the moment and I can only tell you how I feel about things and that I'm doing something about it. The fear of not doing it is the same as the fear of being trapped in the same existence I am in at the moment. I have no doubt that I can hole up here, in my safe house and family and hunker down or I can get out there and see what the hell life is about and go join that.
The TIpping point we were looking at is that when a product goes viral and once people are aware of it everyone appears to know how to use it and bang off you go. I guess smart phones could be thought of that way. Few have them to start with then people hear about them, then they get affordable and suddenly millions are sold daily.
My Tipping Point is actually going to be an emotional one. Tomorrow, Friday 28th June 2013 marks a very important day in my life. Equally as important as two weeks ago today and the 18th June - so now I'm talking in riddles to you but it will all become clear later on as things move on in my life. Tomorrow I will change the way I think about my life forever. It marks a day where things will suddenly change beyond all recognition for me. I've planned my day out, I've braced myself and I will attempt to forget my usual logical, methodical, analytical self and just go with my heart and my emotions, not for a long time but long enough. I will act with my heart and not me brain, I will step so far outside of my comfort zone that I will be a bit of a wreck but that's the thing. If I don't try, if I don't actually go for it, then I can remain as I am now and I really don't like that thought at all.
I've actually gone nowhere in the 5 years or so that I've been clear of Cancer. Perhaps I should say that I've gone somewhere and that's round in circles. Nothing has changed apart from I got better. Nobody else has changed and even if I wanted to, they aren't going to change just because of me.
So I've got to step out now and please myself, need to take myself out of the comfort of my current life and see what it could be like on the other side. I BET it is scary, I bet it is also exciting and I bet that it will provide me with the necessary information to tip towards it and a new life or back to the comfort of my present existence.
Yes I'm still being enigmatic, it doesn't make sense to me at the moment and I can only tell you how I feel about things and that I'm doing something about it. The fear of not doing it is the same as the fear of being trapped in the same existence I am in at the moment. I have no doubt that I can hole up here, in my safe house and family and hunker down or I can get out there and see what the hell life is about and go join that.
Once You've Decided - Then What Do You Do?
I've got a pretty much formed outline of a plan in my head, it needs a few days work and then some solid thinking about and if I'm still happy, I'll turn it into reality.
The problem with finally getting to a point of revelation is that you blink and think and somehow don't quite believe where and how you've arrived where you are today. Suddenly you are at an important crossroads in your life. It must have been about a year ago I said goodbye to my dad for the last time he waved gently at me as I left and I pretty much knew that would be the last time I would see him. Next week is the first anniversary of his death and I've convinced my mum not to go to the Crematorium as it won't serve any function and he wouldn't ever have wanted that. Time to move on we're all heading towards that end. Somehow in the rush between birth and our inevitable destiny we lose sight that this is no rehearsal that life is short and it appears to me that it lacks a number of things that modern life takes or robs from us. Perhaps I should have learnt something about his death by now? I know that my mum and dad were until that point inseparable and great friends and listening to my mum now I can see how deep that love went.
Despite having recovered from cancer and got my life back I've been far from "happy" these past 5 or 6 years. Something has been lacking something torn from my very soul, life is but a dim pilot light smouldering somewhere in my body waiting to be relit. To kindle that small spark is my plan, to reignite myself and to start to live again.
I love the scene in Adamms Family Values at the Children's Summer Camp (we don't have those in the UK because we don't get summers I guess!). It goes something along these lines:
Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Love it - love Wednesday Addams great deadpan delivery. But I realised I was the bloody victim and all my life! Then I realised that I can do something about it and perhaps now is the time to actually get off my arse - off my uppers - step up and man up and sort this out. Too long I've tried to get by, make small changes, try and accommodate behaviour (mine and others) and yet none of these things had done anything but short respite almost fad like. I've been addressing the symptoms and not addressing the cause, the real root cause of my problems lie not where I thought they might do. It's a fundamentally basic thing and it all boils down to whether I'm happy in myself or not? At the moment I am both unhappy and happy at the same time. Difficult to explain that let's try:
I'm unhappy because I must fundamentally change my life and in doing so I must leave huge bits of it behind "Move on nothing to see here". No one likes change, me more than many it's not in my nature but I have to lose my "old life" it is, after all history in some part and habit in the rest, I live the way I do because I always have.
I'm happy because I can see and partly feel the new me, the new direction if you will. So it's all there, it's all obvious, it's all available, it all makes sense.
The hesitation is and always will be the collateral damage you do to others. Imagine if you will you have a choice, the one I'd take would be the one that has minimal effect on all those around me, not to damage them, not to upset and yet would they for one moment think like that first? "think that's air you're breathing Neo?" asks Morpheus in the Matrix. I find myself wondering if I take the action and everyone is unhappy for a short time is that better than me being miserable for the rest of my life? It's my question to answer of course and my judgement call.
I just know that I've got to go upset lots of people who are close to me who, until the point I make my choice will not have realised their own feelings in the matter. Some will feel betrayed and some just downright angry but it's not their life I'm making decisions about here it's mine.
It sounds like the Matrix as I've already "made my choice". I haven't implemented it yet but I pretty much know what I'm going to do but not how I'm going to do it. I feel that I'll probably be jumping out of the fat and into the fire but that's the choice.
The problem with finally getting to a point of revelation is that you blink and think and somehow don't quite believe where and how you've arrived where you are today. Suddenly you are at an important crossroads in your life. It must have been about a year ago I said goodbye to my dad for the last time he waved gently at me as I left and I pretty much knew that would be the last time I would see him. Next week is the first anniversary of his death and I've convinced my mum not to go to the Crematorium as it won't serve any function and he wouldn't ever have wanted that. Time to move on we're all heading towards that end. Somehow in the rush between birth and our inevitable destiny we lose sight that this is no rehearsal that life is short and it appears to me that it lacks a number of things that modern life takes or robs from us. Perhaps I should have learnt something about his death by now? I know that my mum and dad were until that point inseparable and great friends and listening to my mum now I can see how deep that love went.
Despite having recovered from cancer and got my life back I've been far from "happy" these past 5 or 6 years. Something has been lacking something torn from my very soul, life is but a dim pilot light smouldering somewhere in my body waiting to be relit. To kindle that small spark is my plan, to reignite myself and to start to live again.
I love the scene in Adamms Family Values at the Children's Summer Camp (we don't have those in the UK because we don't get summers I guess!). It goes something along these lines:
Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Love it - love Wednesday Addams great deadpan delivery. But I realised I was the bloody victim and all my life! Then I realised that I can do something about it and perhaps now is the time to actually get off my arse - off my uppers - step up and man up and sort this out. Too long I've tried to get by, make small changes, try and accommodate behaviour (mine and others) and yet none of these things had done anything but short respite almost fad like. I've been addressing the symptoms and not addressing the cause, the real root cause of my problems lie not where I thought they might do. It's a fundamentally basic thing and it all boils down to whether I'm happy in myself or not? At the moment I am both unhappy and happy at the same time. Difficult to explain that let's try:
I'm unhappy because I must fundamentally change my life and in doing so I must leave huge bits of it behind "Move on nothing to see here". No one likes change, me more than many it's not in my nature but I have to lose my "old life" it is, after all history in some part and habit in the rest, I live the way I do because I always have.
I'm happy because I can see and partly feel the new me, the new direction if you will. So it's all there, it's all obvious, it's all available, it all makes sense.
The hesitation is and always will be the collateral damage you do to others. Imagine if you will you have a choice, the one I'd take would be the one that has minimal effect on all those around me, not to damage them, not to upset and yet would they for one moment think like that first? "think that's air you're breathing Neo?" asks Morpheus in the Matrix. I find myself wondering if I take the action and everyone is unhappy for a short time is that better than me being miserable for the rest of my life? It's my question to answer of course and my judgement call.
I just know that I've got to go upset lots of people who are close to me who, until the point I make my choice will not have realised their own feelings in the matter. Some will feel betrayed and some just downright angry but it's not their life I'm making decisions about here it's mine.
It sounds like the Matrix as I've already "made my choice". I haven't implemented it yet but I pretty much know what I'm going to do but not how I'm going to do it. I feel that I'll probably be jumping out of the fat and into the fire but that's the choice.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Angry Today - It Didn't Stop At The Previous Post
I was in a bad mood today and also sort of got hung up - I let my guard down and went back to my old self again - not a good place to be and then I had a chat with a colleague and we had both come to the same conclusion about a business proposition that had been put to us. How do I say this nicely? It was utter crap and ill conceived and thought through. It was interesting to see that both of us "didn't get" the value proposition, there was no market research, no compelling events in fact bugger all - a technical term for a pile of stinking manure frankly.
Moving on I am also involved in another venture for some European Cousins, similar problem, no business plan, no marketing plan no appraisal of the market no competitive analysis - I could go on but they have the square root of sweet fanny adams and they had the bloody temerity to get back to me and say that they weren't going to provide finance to launch it in the UK. I turned the airways blue I think f**ing amateurs probably passed my lips. Why do all the "modern entrepreneurs" think their product is so wonderful if they wont actually back it nor do they do any basic homework but want someone like me to build the business with nothing for them so that they can make a fortune? Yea, I got off the bloody banana boat sunshine. They have gone away with a massive bollocking and been asked to think again.
So after all of that which tested by normal calm self to its limits I realised that this was actually much more the real me - just tell them as I see it - I can't be arsed to spend any more of my time on it.
Of course this all threw "the new me" into a tailspin but I did read some interesting words about liking or loving yourself. I found that one of my problems is that I really don't like myself very much and this article was interesting to me especially the bit about trying to change your perception of yourself. For what it is worth I think it is a good investment of 5 minutes to read it and then just to think about what it says, I guess it must link in to EFT as it is on a Tapping site.
Outside of being angry today I am trying to get some balance back but know I'm going to have to talk to these clowns again tomorrow - they'll never understand business as long as they've got a hole in their bottom! DO hope I calm down a bit though don't need anymore stress at the moment, it's hard enough coping with the new me as it is :-)
Moving on I am also involved in another venture for some European Cousins, similar problem, no business plan, no marketing plan no appraisal of the market no competitive analysis - I could go on but they have the square root of sweet fanny adams and they had the bloody temerity to get back to me and say that they weren't going to provide finance to launch it in the UK. I turned the airways blue I think f**ing amateurs probably passed my lips. Why do all the "modern entrepreneurs" think their product is so wonderful if they wont actually back it nor do they do any basic homework but want someone like me to build the business with nothing for them so that they can make a fortune? Yea, I got off the bloody banana boat sunshine. They have gone away with a massive bollocking and been asked to think again.
So after all of that which tested by normal calm self to its limits I realised that this was actually much more the real me - just tell them as I see it - I can't be arsed to spend any more of my time on it.
Of course this all threw "the new me" into a tailspin but I did read some interesting words about liking or loving yourself. I found that one of my problems is that I really don't like myself very much and this article was interesting to me especially the bit about trying to change your perception of yourself. For what it is worth I think it is a good investment of 5 minutes to read it and then just to think about what it says, I guess it must link in to EFT as it is on a Tapping site.
Outside of being angry today I am trying to get some balance back but know I'm going to have to talk to these clowns again tomorrow - they'll never understand business as long as they've got a hole in their bottom! DO hope I calm down a bit though don't need anymore stress at the moment, it's hard enough coping with the new me as it is :-)
Stuff Gets Me Angry
Stuff like yesterdays sensational headlines about food and diet and then reading the balanced diet crap we've been given for ages whilst our children freely ingest stuff that will affect their health long terms in the belief that it is good for them. We've plenty of everything in the West, any foods you want, anytime you want just pop round to the 24 hour supermarket, free parking, and they'll sell you two for one on anything.
That's not the only thing either. Reporting on TV is pants - factual programs sell ideas and models not facts and observations. There was a great idea of a Programme on a day or so ago all about the sun and its various cycles and blow me they still managed to stick man made global warming into the sodding programme. There's this huge enormous gravity contained atomic explosion going off firing heat out way and that's got little to do with it? At least they got the facts right about the cycles and the minimums. They also alluded to some of the longer sun cycles and what's frightening is that things are awful quiet out there. All of this consensus and modelled science make me fume. That's not how I was taught science at all. It's all about hypotheses and then blowing holes in it. These days scientists stick to their guns, call each other names and not one of them seems to appreciate that if the observed data doesn't match the bloody hypotheses it is wrong, get over it and come up with the next iteration and go blow that out of the water, you know, science FFS.
I'm angry with myself, angry for having wasted my time and fannied around for years and years and not really grasped the nettle and sorted things out. I'm angry at the sheer procrastination and not doing anything. Of course it is easier to let things be, maintain the status quo and pretend nothing is happening. It won't be the first time I've been wrong but damn it all, I need to sort myself out. Consequences though, bloody consequences, hurting other people, pissing off and angering people, just as I get angry, I have to inflict pain and angst on people who I love and know. It stays my hand every time I think to strike and be decisive. I can't win the battles in my head easily :-) Damn, going to get Harry Potter's Wand and with a wave all of it goes away, up comes the clean sheet and knowing what I know, all my years of experience, I just start again and move on. Not going to happen is it?
I'm almost furious writing this blog post because I could have done something years ago but didn't, I could have manned up, made some very difficult decisions and be out of this place I am in now. Sure the Bladder Cancer kicked almost all my self belief and esteem out and I've had to rebuild but even so - I should have seen all this coming down the line at me. I disregarded and ignored it and now, in my face, larger than life, blacker than thunder and threatening to overwhelm me is the prospect of what do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to go and all the questions that go with it. Given it so much thought over the years but just didn't do anything about it and I'm sat here not knowing exactly what I am going to do with myself.
I'm not alone though, I have friends who I know will help me through this one as they have helped me through previous crises.
That's not the only thing either. Reporting on TV is pants - factual programs sell ideas and models not facts and observations. There was a great idea of a Programme on a day or so ago all about the sun and its various cycles and blow me they still managed to stick man made global warming into the sodding programme. There's this huge enormous gravity contained atomic explosion going off firing heat out way and that's got little to do with it? At least they got the facts right about the cycles and the minimums. They also alluded to some of the longer sun cycles and what's frightening is that things are awful quiet out there. All of this consensus and modelled science make me fume. That's not how I was taught science at all. It's all about hypotheses and then blowing holes in it. These days scientists stick to their guns, call each other names and not one of them seems to appreciate that if the observed data doesn't match the bloody hypotheses it is wrong, get over it and come up with the next iteration and go blow that out of the water, you know, science FFS.
I'm angry with myself, angry for having wasted my time and fannied around for years and years and not really grasped the nettle and sorted things out. I'm angry at the sheer procrastination and not doing anything. Of course it is easier to let things be, maintain the status quo and pretend nothing is happening. It won't be the first time I've been wrong but damn it all, I need to sort myself out. Consequences though, bloody consequences, hurting other people, pissing off and angering people, just as I get angry, I have to inflict pain and angst on people who I love and know. It stays my hand every time I think to strike and be decisive. I can't win the battles in my head easily :-) Damn, going to get Harry Potter's Wand and with a wave all of it goes away, up comes the clean sheet and knowing what I know, all my years of experience, I just start again and move on. Not going to happen is it?
I'm almost furious writing this blog post because I could have done something years ago but didn't, I could have manned up, made some very difficult decisions and be out of this place I am in now. Sure the Bladder Cancer kicked almost all my self belief and esteem out and I've had to rebuild but even so - I should have seen all this coming down the line at me. I disregarded and ignored it and now, in my face, larger than life, blacker than thunder and threatening to overwhelm me is the prospect of what do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to go and all the questions that go with it. Given it so much thought over the years but just didn't do anything about it and I'm sat here not knowing exactly what I am going to do with myself.
I'm not alone though, I have friends who I know will help me through this one as they have helped me through previous crises.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Obesity is a disease in the US. Should it be?
Obesity is a disease in the US. Should it be?
This was today's health headline in the BBC News and it should be shocking everyone because it doesn't need to be this way. Here is a link to a web site and there are 5 videos on here that I'd recommend to everyone. The first one explains a lot about why obesity exists and how it came about. The graphs of obesity should make everyone sit up and think - smell the coffee or whatever simile you need.Link to DIETDOCTOR. Now there are lots of websites and lots of positions on this matter and I've gone and done my homework and read my books, hell I'm even pulling my own blood out and testing it and I hate having needles shoved in me. But here's the thing, if the world has got obese and diabetes has increased and heart disease and goodness knows what else and that's only really happened in the last half century then is it a disease or is it something that's to do with our food? What's the likelihood that you can catch this? What do you think the likelihood of changing your eating habits and finding that you can lose weight might be?
This is a definite Occam's Razor thing surely? SOme chap in the 1970s tells us what the healthy diet it, we all follow this advice and blow me down if obesity rates shoot up and diabetes takes over. We are all terrified of fat and protein and yet this is probably the best stuff for us because that's how we evolved. Eating stuff that's promoted by big food corporations? I wonder whose interests they serve. It's a bit like the Tobacco inquiries and them telling us it wasn't addictive. Here's another thing, if you got obesity levels down and diabetes became less and less prevalent do you think the drugs industry might find it a hard pill to swallow (or not)???
Ever met a guy from the drugs industry? Do you think they actually want to "Cure" people or are they there to manage the symptoms? Think about it?
Before you accuse me of being the greatest conspiracy theorist you ever met just ask yourself about the evidence. You'll not find it easily accessible and everything you think you know has been told to you through your own Government's nutritional advice. Somewhere along the line the message is that artificial carbohydrates (sugars) are good for you and they form the bottom of our food chain - the foundation of our Western Diet is now carbohydrates and sugars. Highly addictive, non natural things that we make. Add to that the Fructose and how that screws with your body and it's no wonder to me that all these problems exist.
However a great job has been done by Government, Health professionals and the like. When I talk to many people about food they are convinced that eating fat for example will make you fat. They think that eating bread, rice, pasta, potatoes and the like is part of a balanced diet. There's no such thing as a balanced diet its all made up by the authorities. Do you think our ancestors were running around hunting and gathering and coming up with stuff like "No, we need to let that Mammoth get away, we've already had sufficient fat and protein this week" we are evolved to eat as and when we found it or gathered ot or killed it. Do you think ancient man had Florida Oranges all year around? Of course not.
Man has been farming for around 10,000 years. He's been in existence for around 2,500,000 years at least. I make that for 0.4% of his existence he's lived on carbs as well as meats. However I doubt he ever had this all year round and it was nowhere near as processed as it is today. Fruit was available in season as were seeds and berries. Towards the end of the year this stuff would appear and man would have as much as possible. Guess what happened? With winter approaching and the body unable to eat all this stuff it stored it. How does the body store excess fuel? As fat and Insulin is the key component here it knows it can't use it all but the body may need it and so sticks it, in the form of fat for future use.
Insulin recognises carbohydrates and acts to move them into storage. Your insulin levels go up and then you want more carbs because they are addictive it's a horrible cycle but you can break it. Moving away from carbohydrates is difficult but I've done it and now I'm over 3 stone lighter and feel great for it. I've slightly plateaued but that was because I wasn't eating enough fat and a little too much protein - it looks as if this is working now and with a little exercise I'm actually getting some shape to my body again and my muscles around my stomach area are beginning to feel tight and overall I feel tip top.
I really want to be in a position to challenge my doctors in say 6 to 9 months I'd like to be off statins and all the other tablets for high blood pressure. Generally my BP readings are coming down but have recently gone back up - I've just found out why - but not prepared to state at this particular time - but now I know what has done that I can manage the results accordingly.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Personality Typing
I've always enjoyed using the Myers Briggs type personality profiler and being an INTJ it interests me very much. I realise that that is the sort of person I really am. Just read these series of descriptions and you should be able to pick me out no problems at all:
INTJ 1
INTJ 2
INTJ 3
I find the second and third ones fascinating as I relate to almost everything that is written. My behaviour finding out what is wrong with me, experimenting, checking , fixing and discarding or using. Everything is adapting and I've been a little lax this past week at doing my blood, urine and blood pressure. I've done them intermittently and not as a series so the data is going to be a bit shoddy. I can see that I pick things up run with them and if they work, great if not they cast aside!
Relationships stuff is generally spot on I think and how the children were raised is pretty much spot on, they are self sufficient and smart - great. What is frightening is that I can see myself in every sentence. The assertive behaviour the always being right, the analytical stuff and to my great worry the relationship stuff which it appears to say I'm pants at. Well, that is pretty much true as well, it can't be easy to live with someone like me who is (or thinks he is) always right.
I like the bit that I know what I know and also know what I don't know. Lots of people are surprised when I say that I don't know anything about a subject they may be seeking my views on. Part of my charm is that - I just say that I haven't any idea at all as I haven't read or studied it. Stuff I do know about I tend to be knowledgeable because I've spent time studying and researching. I draw my conclusions and then move on.
I've been trying though to change my behaviour this past week. It's only been a week as well since 18th June 2013. I have to force myself to get past the typical INTJ stances and the crap way I handle people so that's what I'm doing - so far it is working but I see myself slip into INTJ mode quite often too.
INTJ 1
INTJ 2
INTJ 3
I find the second and third ones fascinating as I relate to almost everything that is written. My behaviour finding out what is wrong with me, experimenting, checking , fixing and discarding or using. Everything is adapting and I've been a little lax this past week at doing my blood, urine and blood pressure. I've done them intermittently and not as a series so the data is going to be a bit shoddy. I can see that I pick things up run with them and if they work, great if not they cast aside!
Relationships stuff is generally spot on I think and how the children were raised is pretty much spot on, they are self sufficient and smart - great. What is frightening is that I can see myself in every sentence. The assertive behaviour the always being right, the analytical stuff and to my great worry the relationship stuff which it appears to say I'm pants at. Well, that is pretty much true as well, it can't be easy to live with someone like me who is (or thinks he is) always right.
I like the bit that I know what I know and also know what I don't know. Lots of people are surprised when I say that I don't know anything about a subject they may be seeking my views on. Part of my charm is that - I just say that I haven't any idea at all as I haven't read or studied it. Stuff I do know about I tend to be knowledgeable because I've spent time studying and researching. I draw my conclusions and then move on.
I've been trying though to change my behaviour this past week. It's only been a week as well since 18th June 2013. I have to force myself to get past the typical INTJ stances and the crap way I handle people so that's what I'm doing - so far it is working but I see myself slip into INTJ mode quite often too.
Some sort of action this morning
Well I actually got some stuff done this morning - not half as much as I wanted but it's a start and that's better than last week - much better. I'm still adjusting around and all sorts of things are happening which is good. It's another milestone this Friday and I'm going to have lots more information to go on following that.
I may have a little interim work which will keep me out of mischief for a few days. Just need to pull together a quote on that.
At least that's something to focus on.
I may have a little interim work which will keep me out of mischief for a few days. Just need to pull together a quote on that.
At least that's something to focus on.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Distinct lack of action going on here at the moment. Lots of words, ideas, plans and so on. Little apart from that which is a shame, I thought I'd really be able to crack on but the past week has completely thrown all my plans out of the window.
I need to get my backside into gear later today as it will be a week of great intentions but no action and I can't afford to do that again. I see Wimbledon is about to start so there'll be two weeks of chaos around the TV here. I'm not overly fussed so can leave the team down stairs watching.
So actions - definitely that's what is needed I just need to do them that's all :-)
I need to get my backside into gear later today as it will be a week of great intentions but no action and I can't afford to do that again. I see Wimbledon is about to start so there'll be two weeks of chaos around the TV here. I'm not overly fussed so can leave the team down stairs watching.
So actions - definitely that's what is needed I just need to do them that's all :-)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Happiness
Happiness, felicity (state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy), (emotions experienced when in a state of well-being). I touched on this earlier in the week.
There are some words used in Freemasonry. They exhort us to be happy and communicate happiness from generation to generation (it is part of a much bigger narrative and hence I've paraphrased it a bit).
I've not been 'happy' for a very long time, not joyful or content. Not that I've experienced anything in the opposite end apart from the horrible depressions and times of the Black Dog now, hopefully, a thing of the distant black past. I liken it to going to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. A really dark and fearful place inhabited by creatures willing only to keep you there or drag you down to their level. I'm past that horrible stuff but am I happy with well, me?
Even though I've been better and felt much better than when I was ill etc I can't actually claim to have ever reached a state of happiness or contentment. Probably on the way, beginning to feel better and so on but I've never got back to a contented state of mind. It's only been this past week where things have diametrically changed for me. I'm on my way to being really happy and contented and whilst I'm not there yet it has taken years of faffing around and missed opportunities, wrong avenues, hard knocks and loss of general direction and control.
The sweeping landscape of emotions have been explored ad nauseum and I've gone up the peaks and into the valleys experiencing the highs and lows and for what? If there's no payoff in the future no goal no horizon then what are you doing it for? There's been no strategy at all no wanting to get somewhere other than to be well again. There have been a few tactical moves - getting a bolthole job when I was recovering and having treatment. It wasn't me and there was the terrible mistake of trying to get into a high impact business when the damn thing never existed. I'm very proud of our last venture though, if anything should have been funded for is societal impact it should be what we produced. Failure (if that is what you understand as a measure) was always an option disappointing as it was we should be very proud that we professionally knew exactly when to call it a day. That effort would have changed things around the world for the most disadvantaged members of the human race. Naively I felt that it would be something that could be picked up for good however, there's lots of mileage in suppressing half the world - that's the way of it - I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to.
So the Bladder Cancer Journey has many roads and ways you can go but I've been like a rudderless ship without direction, no compass and no goal set.
I set the early on goal - surviving and battling (although never sure I liked that word) and then I was better. Then there was the fallout (depression and fatigue - just like you've fought a battle of your life) and maybe just maybe at that point it was all about tactics, move from one short goal to the next one. I should know better - what do I do for a living? I'm a Business and IT Program Manager FFS! But then it is often so that a Plumber's House is always in need of some pipework being finished or a tap washer changed :-) I've been looking down at my feet all this time and not up at the horizon.
This week has all been about this revelation to me - not to others I suppose. Where do you want to get to? Setting the vision is actually the important thing. How you get there is what I'm wrestling with now as I do feel that there is no chance of getting to the goal without hurting someone. Something that I do is bound to hurt someone somewhere. I care a lot about not hurting others but at some point in time I need to do what is right for me. What on earth was the point of surviving cancer if at the end of it you don't enjoy it, you don't take advantage of the second chance you've got. Many, many people didn't get the opportunity to have that choice did they?
So as things unravel here and I disassemble and reassemble them we will see what on earth comes along. At once I felt that things are going to wonderful for me, something great is coming along, I will be lifted out of the doldrums of the past 7 years and find some purpose and some reason to finally pick myself up and rebuild my life. You can put up loads of things as that horizon point, you can want wealth, power and you can yearn for material things me? Me, all I want is to enjoy my life and feel that it has all been worthwhile that the period of illness is behind me, that I can get on with my life and that life isn't any reflection on my past life of all work, high stress and all that stuff. I keep coming back to my argument which is - Why shouldn't I be able to be happy and approach a state of happiness surely after 7 years I've earnt it?
There are some words used in Freemasonry. They exhort us to be happy and communicate happiness from generation to generation (it is part of a much bigger narrative and hence I've paraphrased it a bit).
I've not been 'happy' for a very long time, not joyful or content. Not that I've experienced anything in the opposite end apart from the horrible depressions and times of the Black Dog now, hopefully, a thing of the distant black past. I liken it to going to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. A really dark and fearful place inhabited by creatures willing only to keep you there or drag you down to their level. I'm past that horrible stuff but am I happy with well, me?
Even though I've been better and felt much better than when I was ill etc I can't actually claim to have ever reached a state of happiness or contentment. Probably on the way, beginning to feel better and so on but I've never got back to a contented state of mind. It's only been this past week where things have diametrically changed for me. I'm on my way to being really happy and contented and whilst I'm not there yet it has taken years of faffing around and missed opportunities, wrong avenues, hard knocks and loss of general direction and control.
The sweeping landscape of emotions have been explored ad nauseum and I've gone up the peaks and into the valleys experiencing the highs and lows and for what? If there's no payoff in the future no goal no horizon then what are you doing it for? There's been no strategy at all no wanting to get somewhere other than to be well again. There have been a few tactical moves - getting a bolthole job when I was recovering and having treatment. It wasn't me and there was the terrible mistake of trying to get into a high impact business when the damn thing never existed. I'm very proud of our last venture though, if anything should have been funded for is societal impact it should be what we produced. Failure (if that is what you understand as a measure) was always an option disappointing as it was we should be very proud that we professionally knew exactly when to call it a day. That effort would have changed things around the world for the most disadvantaged members of the human race. Naively I felt that it would be something that could be picked up for good however, there's lots of mileage in suppressing half the world - that's the way of it - I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to.
So the Bladder Cancer Journey has many roads and ways you can go but I've been like a rudderless ship without direction, no compass and no goal set.
I set the early on goal - surviving and battling (although never sure I liked that word) and then I was better. Then there was the fallout (depression and fatigue - just like you've fought a battle of your life) and maybe just maybe at that point it was all about tactics, move from one short goal to the next one. I should know better - what do I do for a living? I'm a Business and IT Program Manager FFS! But then it is often so that a Plumber's House is always in need of some pipework being finished or a tap washer changed :-) I've been looking down at my feet all this time and not up at the horizon.
This week has all been about this revelation to me - not to others I suppose. Where do you want to get to? Setting the vision is actually the important thing. How you get there is what I'm wrestling with now as I do feel that there is no chance of getting to the goal without hurting someone. Something that I do is bound to hurt someone somewhere. I care a lot about not hurting others but at some point in time I need to do what is right for me. What on earth was the point of surviving cancer if at the end of it you don't enjoy it, you don't take advantage of the second chance you've got. Many, many people didn't get the opportunity to have that choice did they?
So as things unravel here and I disassemble and reassemble them we will see what on earth comes along. At once I felt that things are going to wonderful for me, something great is coming along, I will be lifted out of the doldrums of the past 7 years and find some purpose and some reason to finally pick myself up and rebuild my life. You can put up loads of things as that horizon point, you can want wealth, power and you can yearn for material things me? Me, all I want is to enjoy my life and feel that it has all been worthwhile that the period of illness is behind me, that I can get on with my life and that life isn't any reflection on my past life of all work, high stress and all that stuff. I keep coming back to my argument which is - Why shouldn't I be able to be happy and approach a state of happiness surely after 7 years I've earnt it?
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Been A Week Of Reflections And Actions
This time last week, things started to get weird and strange and my life changed almost in an instant. An instant that had been coming for some time. Finally there was a catalyst and bang - everything became clear and life took on new meaning and a new purpose and at the same time I realised that to accept this new life this new me this change in direction I needed to make radical changes to the way I think, act and behave because it requires a radical rethink of where I was this time last week to where I am now. Following me so far?
I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem. Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end. I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them. I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.
The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form. I rarely put my foot down or demand anything. Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others. It's my turn to take control and to run with it.
It feels good and frightening all at the same time. I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.
I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem. Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end. I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them. I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.
The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form. I rarely put my foot down or demand anything. Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others. It's my turn to take control and to run with it.
It feels good and frightening all at the same time. I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.
Diet Takes A Further Tweak
I've now started to concentrate on getting a higher fat content with my meals so today included, a 3 egg scrambled egg made with butter. Lunch was a bit of cheese and I had a drop more cheese and a home made burger with some vegetables. That's it today - feel quite satiated and also hope that this now kick starts Ketosis and starts me burning some fat. Exercises this week starting on Monday I hope. Aerobic and Anaerobic ones - I need to work at losing the next slab of weight.
Very happy with my almost flat tummy now tough apart from my trousers are slipping down and don't fit properly at all - it looks amusing with me pulling the damn things up every now and then. I feel a lot fitter too which is a huge bonus. Noticed my skin is OK and all around everything is fine. My only bitch is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated which it shouldn't be. Maybe next week I can use the exercise and in doing so maybe reduce the stress levels a bit. I'm causing the stress myself with all these changes so you know, I'll just have to deal with it.
So moving towards the higher fat content of the diet so far has meant that I have eaten less food but feel just as satiated. Cool.
Very happy with my almost flat tummy now tough apart from my trousers are slipping down and don't fit properly at all - it looks amusing with me pulling the damn things up every now and then. I feel a lot fitter too which is a huge bonus. Noticed my skin is OK and all around everything is fine. My only bitch is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated which it shouldn't be. Maybe next week I can use the exercise and in doing so maybe reduce the stress levels a bit. I'm causing the stress myself with all these changes so you know, I'll just have to deal with it.
So moving towards the higher fat content of the diet so far has meant that I have eaten less food but feel just as satiated. Cool.
It's Hard Work Getting To Like Yourself Again
I found myself wondering about this a short while ago. I hadn't realised that I almost loathed myself and had a very low opinion of who I was and how I and other people saw me. I'd already made a huge judgement call and my opinion of myself was of a bit of a loser, a sort of geek and someone who frankly you'd be well advised not to be around. Doesn't sound like me at all does it? In many ways I hadn't realised that I carried around this 'picture' of myself as this low down dirt trodden sort of guy.
Quite how it came about isn't clear as I don't recollect me building this obnoxious and odorous character at all. But I've always been relatively quiet and almost shy with new people and those I don't know well and it was blindingly obvious that I needed to do something about this. I doubt I can actually change my personality type very much - it's after all what makes me, me. But I did determine to do something about it and with some help am slowly building up my self esteem and self belief. It's strange but I'm rather beginning to enjoy this slightly improved me :-)
I found myself singing along to some music earlier and just being much lighter and funnier in the house. Small steps but I can't remember the last time I sang (I have a very fine voice I'll have you know)! There's more to come I'm certain, it's just a matter of building up your confidence a little at a time. I like the EFT technique - it seems to just help focus on positive thoughts whilst tackling and removing negative ones. It looks a bit bizarre and amusing but get yourself in a room alone and do a short burst of this and enjoy. Deep breathing works too and I find myself struggling to just control myself (at the moment feeling stressed and having slight breathing spasms) and so do some deep breathing. I tend to sit, breath in a big breath through my nose and when full hold my breath for 1 and 2 and 3 seconds then slowly breath out through the mouth. I do this for between 5 and 10 breaths. Normally after that things are much calmer.
Do the two together and it doesn't take long just to calm down and then start to feel good about yourself again. Mind you it isn't easy, I still get negative thoughts about myself and my circumstances but at least now I won't be seeing myself in such a bad light and then consciously or otherwise affect the way I see and deal with people and how they deal with me.
Quite how it came about isn't clear as I don't recollect me building this obnoxious and odorous character at all. But I've always been relatively quiet and almost shy with new people and those I don't know well and it was blindingly obvious that I needed to do something about this. I doubt I can actually change my personality type very much - it's after all what makes me, me. But I did determine to do something about it and with some help am slowly building up my self esteem and self belief. It's strange but I'm rather beginning to enjoy this slightly improved me :-)
I found myself singing along to some music earlier and just being much lighter and funnier in the house. Small steps but I can't remember the last time I sang (I have a very fine voice I'll have you know)! There's more to come I'm certain, it's just a matter of building up your confidence a little at a time. I like the EFT technique - it seems to just help focus on positive thoughts whilst tackling and removing negative ones. It looks a bit bizarre and amusing but get yourself in a room alone and do a short burst of this and enjoy. Deep breathing works too and I find myself struggling to just control myself (at the moment feeling stressed and having slight breathing spasms) and so do some deep breathing. I tend to sit, breath in a big breath through my nose and when full hold my breath for 1 and 2 and 3 seconds then slowly breath out through the mouth. I do this for between 5 and 10 breaths. Normally after that things are much calmer.
Do the two together and it doesn't take long just to calm down and then start to feel good about yourself again. Mind you it isn't easy, I still get negative thoughts about myself and my circumstances but at least now I won't be seeing myself in such a bad light and then consciously or otherwise affect the way I see and deal with people and how they deal with me.
Flat Morning After Cheat Day
I did have a fair few beers last night which was good - enjoyed the whole evening was nice to go out with some of my closest (nearly typed closet) friends and have a drink, a chat and a nice meal. The pudding alone tasted like it had a bag of sugar in it :-) With all the coffee I also drank and the fact that I didn't really get to bed until around 3 (I know I was on the PC and got engrossed) this morning was a bit rough when at 7:20 the postman managed to find the bell on the house and rang it rather too enthusiastically for my liking :-) So with about 4 hours sleep I was up and awake and I can't say I was particularly bright and bushy tailed at all.
Never mind, am a very happy chappy these days and had some luck last night which means we may have an opportunity to get the business started much quicker that imagined. We will see but if it does come about then perhaps I can see a way of making a living coming along - let's hope so. That would be great.
My life really has changed beyond all recognition this week which is also great and Finally I am starting to feel good about myself and am rebuilding my confidence and my self esteem. Long may that continue. I've been giving myself such a hard time I'm always 'on my case' but I don't need to be now. Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) perhaps ought to be the motto from here on in? SO that's the theory - now to put it into practice a bit more.
Never mind, am a very happy chappy these days and had some luck last night which means we may have an opportunity to get the business started much quicker that imagined. We will see but if it does come about then perhaps I can see a way of making a living coming along - let's hope so. That would be great.
My life really has changed beyond all recognition this week which is also great and Finally I am starting to feel good about myself and am rebuilding my confidence and my self esteem. Long may that continue. I've been giving myself such a hard time I'm always 'on my case' but I don't need to be now. Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) perhaps ought to be the motto from here on in? SO that's the theory - now to put it into practice a bit more.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Cheat Day Comes Early
Decided as we are out for a Curry and it would be rude, nay churlish of me, not to imbibe in that great, ancient and noble activity of consuming alcohol lovingly made by artisans for thousands of years and taxed mercilessly by thieving successive Governments. So be it, I SHALL stand up, take one for the team and have at least one pint of Cask Conditioned (yes OK US friends, warm) true English Ale :-)
Then go and stuff my face full of what they call Indian food which is actually nothing like true Indian food but made for the Western taste. Not that after 8 pints of lager your average punter can taste anything but the hottest chillies anyway!
So cheat day is well underway already. I finished off some sweets left over from Father's Day and even had a Skinny Cappuccino with Flocky Bicep :-)
Today I'm beginning to feel a lot better about myself, have been really struggling with an inner battle over what to do now and in the future and what I really want to do. The struggle is that there's the sensible thing to do, there's the logical thing to do, there's the stupid thing to do, there's the thing that you'd like to do but you're not sure it's the right thing to do because it isn't clear if it is right or it is wrong. There's all the other things too like whether it hurts other people, whether they'd mind anyway and loads of other stuff to sift through.
The problem lies here, do I please myself and myself only and sod the consequences and just look after numero uno? That's not me is it? Anyone who knows me would know that I take a while to come to a decision and it normally involves everyone and sometimes to my exclusion or to my detriment. It's not me to leave a trail of damage lying behind me through paths of devastation that I've caused. It doesn't happen I normally leave the ground undisturbed.
I fear that what's going through my mind will cause some pain to other people and that's what holds me back and what is halting my ability to choose. I've not given you all the facts, I alone should know these, I just present the problems that lie in choosing the right course, the right thing to do and a reasonable way forward.
It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. There's arguments for and against but to be truly happy in yourself you may have to hurt people around you. Or the other side may be to keep everyone happy and be hurt for the rest of my own life?
Whoa - heavy stuff :-) Like Neo in the Matrix, "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth - nothing more."
So do I have a choice or has fate made it for me? Do I injure people myself or is that through my actions or my inactions? Do I make a choice now, wait, spend time and evaluate, analyse and then decide? What on earth do I do now?
It all looks very strange and life's full of uncertainty and it is full of things that happen to you that impact on your course down it's road. Bladder Cancer smashed into my life in 2006 and whilst I knew things would be different, I didn't expect them to be quite like they turned out to be, how could I, none of us know the future. From a planned life I went off on some huge wind driven tacks which have added knowledge and experience but haven't brought me anywhere near to being happy with myself and who I am. It robbed me of my self confidence, my self esteem and when down and low it kicked ten bells of crap out of me whilst I was there.
Only now, 7 years later am I finally getting out of the dark place it put me and only now do I see that perhaps I can finally put this all behind me, rebuild, move on, get some purpose in life and get the hell away from where I was. "It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark" the saying goes and there are plenty of examples like that but few people take the advice, me included.
I'm finally fed up of being down and gloomy, having been beaten up and poorly, having stuff stuck into me and what is it 11 operations in 7 years and 36 shots of BCG Immunotherapy. Sure it has saved my life and I'm here to tell the tale but the down side is how rubbish you feel about yourself and everything around you. It's time for a change, it's time to take charge and it's time to make decisions and what's holding me back? How I'd impact other people's lives - at once my greatest asset and my greatest downfall. I rarely, if ever, make a decision based on what I want to happen without assessing the impact on others and how I'd make them feel.
That's the struggle going on in me and I'll struggle with it, as I must, on my own, as I must, until I reach a conclusion and act on it. It's never going to be the right decision whatever I do so in some ways I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
There's one huge benefit from all this internal wrangling and that is at last, through recent fascinating and quite wonderful events my self belief, confidence and esteem are coming back. I am beginning to believe in myself again and I hope that continues as I will need all my strength in the coming months to take big decisions and carry them through.
Then go and stuff my face full of what they call Indian food which is actually nothing like true Indian food but made for the Western taste. Not that after 8 pints of lager your average punter can taste anything but the hottest chillies anyway!
So cheat day is well underway already. I finished off some sweets left over from Father's Day and even had a Skinny Cappuccino with Flocky Bicep :-)
Today I'm beginning to feel a lot better about myself, have been really struggling with an inner battle over what to do now and in the future and what I really want to do. The struggle is that there's the sensible thing to do, there's the logical thing to do, there's the stupid thing to do, there's the thing that you'd like to do but you're not sure it's the right thing to do because it isn't clear if it is right or it is wrong. There's all the other things too like whether it hurts other people, whether they'd mind anyway and loads of other stuff to sift through.
The problem lies here, do I please myself and myself only and sod the consequences and just look after numero uno? That's not me is it? Anyone who knows me would know that I take a while to come to a decision and it normally involves everyone and sometimes to my exclusion or to my detriment. It's not me to leave a trail of damage lying behind me through paths of devastation that I've caused. It doesn't happen I normally leave the ground undisturbed.
I fear that what's going through my mind will cause some pain to other people and that's what holds me back and what is halting my ability to choose. I've not given you all the facts, I alone should know these, I just present the problems that lie in choosing the right course, the right thing to do and a reasonable way forward.
It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. There's arguments for and against but to be truly happy in yourself you may have to hurt people around you. Or the other side may be to keep everyone happy and be hurt for the rest of my own life?
Whoa - heavy stuff :-) Like Neo in the Matrix, "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth - nothing more."
So do I have a choice or has fate made it for me? Do I injure people myself or is that through my actions or my inactions? Do I make a choice now, wait, spend time and evaluate, analyse and then decide? What on earth do I do now?
It all looks very strange and life's full of uncertainty and it is full of things that happen to you that impact on your course down it's road. Bladder Cancer smashed into my life in 2006 and whilst I knew things would be different, I didn't expect them to be quite like they turned out to be, how could I, none of us know the future. From a planned life I went off on some huge wind driven tacks which have added knowledge and experience but haven't brought me anywhere near to being happy with myself and who I am. It robbed me of my self confidence, my self esteem and when down and low it kicked ten bells of crap out of me whilst I was there.
Only now, 7 years later am I finally getting out of the dark place it put me and only now do I see that perhaps I can finally put this all behind me, rebuild, move on, get some purpose in life and get the hell away from where I was. "It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark" the saying goes and there are plenty of examples like that but few people take the advice, me included.
I'm finally fed up of being down and gloomy, having been beaten up and poorly, having stuff stuck into me and what is it 11 operations in 7 years and 36 shots of BCG Immunotherapy. Sure it has saved my life and I'm here to tell the tale but the down side is how rubbish you feel about yourself and everything around you. It's time for a change, it's time to take charge and it's time to make decisions and what's holding me back? How I'd impact other people's lives - at once my greatest asset and my greatest downfall. I rarely, if ever, make a decision based on what I want to happen without assessing the impact on others and how I'd make them feel.
That's the struggle going on in me and I'll struggle with it, as I must, on my own, as I must, until I reach a conclusion and act on it. It's never going to be the right decision whatever I do so in some ways I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
There's one huge benefit from all this internal wrangling and that is at last, through recent fascinating and quite wonderful events my self belief, confidence and esteem are coming back. I am beginning to believe in myself again and I hope that continues as I will need all my strength in the coming months to take big decisions and carry them through.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Yes - So My Stress Levels Are Elevated
I know I'm keeping very enigmatic these days and it is a case of having and wanting to do that. I can talk in general terms about things though and one of those is my high blood pressure. It isn't off the scale it is elevated to be something like 140 over 90 which is a little higher than I like at about 120 over 80 ideally or 130 over 90. I attribute it to some quite high stress levels at the moment and also an impact to my system. I've talked about letting go of the older me and that is so much easier said than done.
I'm trying to chill out but the old me isn't having any of it so it is a constant struggle to work on my breathing, my blood pressure and my concentrations levels which are total pants this week. I have sat in front of this PC for hours at a time and not got a stroke of work done, that's how bad this week has been. Hopefully tomorrow I can relax, meet some very good friends and just chill out - I really need it - I've been hyper all week.
I'm perhaps about to make one of the most significant changes in my life very shortly and this is all building up to and surrounding that. Gosh it sounds important doesn't it? It is, very important and hence the worry the concern the inability to concentrate and the lack of sleep, getting anything done and the complete lack of arriving at a suitable way forward. :-)
Sure tomorrow will help me settle things down to an acceptable level.
I'm trying to chill out but the old me isn't having any of it so it is a constant struggle to work on my breathing, my blood pressure and my concentrations levels which are total pants this week. I have sat in front of this PC for hours at a time and not got a stroke of work done, that's how bad this week has been. Hopefully tomorrow I can relax, meet some very good friends and just chill out - I really need it - I've been hyper all week.
I'm perhaps about to make one of the most significant changes in my life very shortly and this is all building up to and surrounding that. Gosh it sounds important doesn't it? It is, very important and hence the worry the concern the inability to concentrate and the lack of sleep, getting anything done and the complete lack of arriving at a suitable way forward. :-)
Sure tomorrow will help me settle things down to an acceptable level.
Blood Glucose Levels
well I've done about 4 weeks worth of measurements now. There's only one reading that is high and that was the morning after cheat day which may explain it. Generally figures of around 4 or 5 mmol/L which isn't too bad as far as I can ascertain.
I have slightly plateaued in my weight loss at the moment and I've made a few more adjustments to my diet to see if I can change that and as of early next week I am going back to do regular exercise after making myself bleed - silly sod I am - so slowly return to that but it appears that may not be that necessary whereas bringing myself down to a lower blood glucose level and into a better state of ketosis may well kick start things again.
I can't complain it is now 5 months in to the regime. I'm 3 stone lighter, am about 3 or 4 inches lighter around my waist, a few inches off my chest and my thighs and around my arse my shirt collar is also a couple of inches less but needs a bit more work. So can't complain, although I'm going to :-) No not really!
Taken from the Diet Doctor Web Site, and here is the section on weight loss. I am going to try and get to the area in point 14 of this page.
Now I'm still also following the 4HB Tim Ferriss regime and having the one day off a week as a cheat day. For example I'm out tomorrow with some friends and I will drink beer which will spike my insulin levels but also there will be bread and stuff, rice and the like for the curry to follow so I'll make tomorrow my cheat day. I'm beginning to wonder whether I keep cheat day quite as heavily shocking to my system as I do at the moment - for example I will eat bread, sweets, have quite a bit of cake and all that bad stuff. I wonder whether the real thing would be just to keep on the High Fat, Low Carbohydrate diet and just indulge once in a rare while. It's not as if after all this time I crave for anything and yet I do really miss having beer which I do enjoy and I think that the once a week rule may be OK for that. I've adapted to drinking Red Wine during the rest of the week and I'm also practising drinking water in a pub - I know - what am I like???
I have to say though that I have begun to feel extremely well and I don't think I have a pair of trousers that fit - I need to go and pull out all the ones I put away a few years ago. My nice shirts now fit me like a glove which is also great news - I do like wearing them, they are really nice quality ones and make you feel good. Of course, up until now I couldn't get into them or the collars wouldn't do up! Now that is resolved as whilst I've still got traces of a belly it has started to tighten and there is plenty of room for the shirt to hang normally without pulling at the buttons!
I am keeping a monitor on my blood sugars and will have a series of charts to "discuss" with the Doctor. I've yet to restart my urine testing which again I might do next week to coincide with starting the exercise regime. Hopefully there won't be any traces of blood left which is the main thing. All other readings are well within normal.
Worryingly my blood pressure is up which is surprising given how much weight I've lost and all but it is presently a bit of a stress filled time at the moment and once I control myself with some EFT and a bit of deep breathing it does appear to come down to around normal. So I'm making sure that I continue to monitor and adapt on that. I'm still taking some Baking Soda in the mornings and although I haven't done so recently have been taking the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) mixture. I did see that I might be able to use the Flax Seed Oil with Balsamic Vinegar so I might give that a go.
Slowly - I should be able to build back to some more activity starting next week and I hope to pull myself up out of where I am at the moment.
I have slightly plateaued in my weight loss at the moment and I've made a few more adjustments to my diet to see if I can change that and as of early next week I am going back to do regular exercise after making myself bleed - silly sod I am - so slowly return to that but it appears that may not be that necessary whereas bringing myself down to a lower blood glucose level and into a better state of ketosis may well kick start things again.
I can't complain it is now 5 months in to the regime. I'm 3 stone lighter, am about 3 or 4 inches lighter around my waist, a few inches off my chest and my thighs and around my arse my shirt collar is also a couple of inches less but needs a bit more work. So can't complain, although I'm going to :-) No not really!
Taken from the Diet Doctor Web Site, and here is the section on weight loss. I am going to try and get to the area in point 14 of this page.
Now I'm still also following the 4HB Tim Ferriss regime and having the one day off a week as a cheat day. For example I'm out tomorrow with some friends and I will drink beer which will spike my insulin levels but also there will be bread and stuff, rice and the like for the curry to follow so I'll make tomorrow my cheat day. I'm beginning to wonder whether I keep cheat day quite as heavily shocking to my system as I do at the moment - for example I will eat bread, sweets, have quite a bit of cake and all that bad stuff. I wonder whether the real thing would be just to keep on the High Fat, Low Carbohydrate diet and just indulge once in a rare while. It's not as if after all this time I crave for anything and yet I do really miss having beer which I do enjoy and I think that the once a week rule may be OK for that. I've adapted to drinking Red Wine during the rest of the week and I'm also practising drinking water in a pub - I know - what am I like???
I have to say though that I have begun to feel extremely well and I don't think I have a pair of trousers that fit - I need to go and pull out all the ones I put away a few years ago. My nice shirts now fit me like a glove which is also great news - I do like wearing them, they are really nice quality ones and make you feel good. Of course, up until now I couldn't get into them or the collars wouldn't do up! Now that is resolved as whilst I've still got traces of a belly it has started to tighten and there is plenty of room for the shirt to hang normally without pulling at the buttons!
I am keeping a monitor on my blood sugars and will have a series of charts to "discuss" with the Doctor. I've yet to restart my urine testing which again I might do next week to coincide with starting the exercise regime. Hopefully there won't be any traces of blood left which is the main thing. All other readings are well within normal.
Worryingly my blood pressure is up which is surprising given how much weight I've lost and all but it is presently a bit of a stress filled time at the moment and once I control myself with some EFT and a bit of deep breathing it does appear to come down to around normal. So I'm making sure that I continue to monitor and adapt on that. I'm still taking some Baking Soda in the mornings and although I haven't done so recently have been taking the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) mixture. I did see that I might be able to use the Flax Seed Oil with Balsamic Vinegar so I might give that a go.
Slowly - I should be able to build back to some more activity starting next week and I hope to pull myself up out of where I am at the moment.
Come On Shake Yourself Out Of This
I'm just not doing anything at the moment apart from listening to music and reminiscing and getting chewed up by regrets of the past - well I think that is what it is. I am completely preoccupied at the moment but just wrapped up in myself and whilst I said I didn't want to over analyse things what is actually happening is my mind is playing out lots and lots of scenarios and ifs and buts. Now it is exactly what I didn't want to happen but I can't help it. I'm overloaded with ideas, scenarios, huge doubts, huge highs and swooping lows :-)
I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on. It's a great and a horrible place to be. Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny. :-)
I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine. Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.
So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me. All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway. It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever. What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.
At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning. Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see? Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)
Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here. Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control. It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.
It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone. Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.
I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase. We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:
I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on. It's a great and a horrible place to be. Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny. :-)
I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine. Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.
So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me. All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway. It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever. What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.
At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning. Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see? Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)
Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here. Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control. It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.
It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone. Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.
I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase. We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:
"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times."
Exactly
Car Alarm Problems
I don't know what it is but every now and then the Jag alarm goes off. It never does this during the day or early evening, oh no, It went off at around 2 am and then again at 3 and then about 4.
No rhyme of reason I could see. It's a bit of a sprint to get out of bed, get dressing gown on, get around the bed and my two exercise machines, down the stairs into the Kitchen where the key is, back to the door and blip the remote then to pull the front door key out and go reset the damn thing (the engine needs to be started) do a full check of the outside etc.
My guess is there is some small critter inside that's fluttering about or perhaps something outside (maybe a bit bigger) and that's triggered it off. Whatever it is, it's a bloody nuisance but I should be able to sprint against Usain Bolt as long as they use a Jag Alarm to start the race and not a gun :-)
In other matters I'm having a pretty wobbly week all around - so much happening and so much to happen still to come.
No rhyme of reason I could see. It's a bit of a sprint to get out of bed, get dressing gown on, get around the bed and my two exercise machines, down the stairs into the Kitchen where the key is, back to the door and blip the remote then to pull the front door key out and go reset the damn thing (the engine needs to be started) do a full check of the outside etc.
My guess is there is some small critter inside that's fluttering about or perhaps something outside (maybe a bit bigger) and that's triggered it off. Whatever it is, it's a bloody nuisance but I should be able to sprint against Usain Bolt as long as they use a Jag Alarm to start the race and not a gun :-)
In other matters I'm having a pretty wobbly week all around - so much happening and so much to happen still to come.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Lord, Please Give Me Patience
And give it to me NOW!!!!
I'm old enough to know better - I want things to happen right now I want to be back in control and that isn't going to happen and I have to get used to it. A lifetime of being in control of all things and suddenly it is all out of my hands - nothing I can do but to tag along and go for the ride and hope that it goes where I want it to.
Damn I hate not being in control.
I'm old enough to know better - I want things to happen right now I want to be back in control and that isn't going to happen and I have to get used to it. A lifetime of being in control of all things and suddenly it is all out of my hands - nothing I can do but to tag along and go for the ride and hope that it goes where I want it to.
Damn I hate not being in control.
Right Off We Go
Can't get started this morning and trying to throw the fudge out of my brain. Had a 24 hour epiphany and stupid old head it's trying to over analyse the unanalysable (oh right that is a real word!). Part of this change is about trying to stop doing that - I always go to town and analyse stuff and do loads of research and sometimes I knew the answer when I set off on the journey.
Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once. So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)
So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-) Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time. Am in two places at once. Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations. The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought. Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself. I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer. It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.
I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do. I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way. After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.
So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)
Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once. So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)
So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-) Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time. Am in two places at once. Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations. The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought. Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself. I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer. It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.
I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do. I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way. After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.
So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)
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