Monday, July 01, 2013

Sleepless in somewhere that isn't Seattle

Sometimes I don't get stuff.  If things aren't crystal clear and I know exactly what is being said I get very confused.  I can't compute phrases that disguise perhaps another meaning.  Of course I can get day to day wordplay but this is different.  This is where things are said in code, things are said that may perhaps be the opposite of what they mean.  

Few words were said yesterday and I just didn't understand them.  Tried to get my head around them but suddenly it was as if I'd never learnt English at school because I ran out of words to say to respond.  I felt like I was in a room of strangers and unable to attract any attention or have anything to say or to start a conversation with.  I don't think I've ever felt so utterly alone before - this was just for a few minutes it was absolutely terrifying to me and completely shook me to the core.  I've never ever been in such a strange place/world before.

In many ways I don't understand the meaning behind the words but what I took them to mean was to perhaps jump to conclusions  perhaps reach into my mind and pick up on all those pieces of ammunition I beat myself up with.  For suddenly I was using my own self doubt and anti self confidence bullets to beat myself up mentally and that was it.  It was like being assaulted by your own thoughts and beaten into a corner with all those doubts and stinging criticisms about yourself only your own mind can conjure up.  They didn't stop although I managed to stave off some of the attack, they kicked ten bells of sh1t out of me whilst I slept and when I woke this morning I felt I'd done a full ten rounds.

I actually woke feeling relatively OK considering I should be in the darkest depths after that onslaught.  I do feel weak and a little emotional this morning but that's just because of how hurtful my brain was to me last night.

I can't perhaps tell you how upsetting it is to have this as during the dark days of Bladder Cancer, during those treatments and the traumatic stress that they induced, these "voices" were always clawing at my self confidence and ripping away at your mind.  Dark days indeed, Imagine your own mind saying to you "you're gonna die", "you're a wimp after you've had your treatment".  It's SO upsetting to have your head do this to you but that's Depression folks, it does that to you, it finds the smallest little chink in your armour and sticks a lever in there and prises that open then finds another and so on.  This silent battle goes on all the time you are suffering.  

Eventually you get over it (or I did I'm sure some poor people battle this every day) and you park this stuff at the back of your mind.  Yesterday, it got released (I thought perhaps I'd killed it off) and unleashed itself on me overnight in a torrent of abuse and misinformation and lies and deceit aimed only at making me miserable.  I'm not going to fall into its clutches, it's all gone and is banished back to where it came from but it has left me really drained this morning and quite emotional.  Unleashing the demons I can do without how dare they do this to me?  I get a way out presented to me and there's light at the end of this particularly dark tunnel I've travelled along and my own mind wants me not to go there.

I suppose it was churlish of me to expect this next phase of my journey to go easy.  Perhaps I'm not destined to have joy and happiness dropped into my lap, maybe I have to work now even harder to achieve it?  I won't let these doubts that are assailing me and these awful questions written by Hades himself come and get me the reward is far greater and failure cannot be an option, I didn't live so that I could not be a better person and reach for greater things in life.  That path lies before me, I hadn't realised it would be strewn with mines and bombs not from my enemies but from my own mind.  

I know out there lies real happiness and contentment (I must get to a point where I am going to be happy with myself), wonderment, enjoyment and love, above all there must be love because that would bring the whole journey together.  


So I'll leave you and me with this rather lovely number by Camel - it's the overall sentiment and not the lyrics that I like and the beautiful melody.  When I used to sit and listen to music a lot I'd invariably put this on as the last track.  

   

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