It's As If You Don't Want Me To Succeed

There's something not quite right about the way that my mind screws with me.  It's as if all the negative thoughts and negative vibes are stored away and neatly filed ready to undermine me at any time, in any situation and just hover like the sword of Damocles ready to strike.

For reasons that aren't apparently obvious to you the reader because I choose not to tell you I need to be at the top of my game now, I have been given something wonderful that has the potential to change my life from now on, to give me the direction that has been lacking (why did you survive etc) there's a bright future, I can see it, I can almost touch it it's just there just slightly out of reach of my fingertips.  It's like one of those movies where you are dangling from a precipice with thousands of feet to drop to your death.  Above you is your salvation hand reaching out but we don't know in the film plot whether or not they will offer their hand and we don't know whether, if offered, the hand will be taken by the person hanging on for dear life.

So there we are it's all being played out, there's survival, redemption, a happy ending waiting in the hand dangling down towards me, the sun is out behind that person I can't see their expression yet but I know I want to be rescued and go up there away from this danger.  Hanging on there I'm full of adrenalin and fear.  Just as I'm about to reach up and grab the hand suddenly I feel a huge weight on my legs pulling down on me threatening to drag me back down into the dark abyss.  I look down and it's all my demons unlocked from my head clawing at my legs pulling me down into their world.  

I'm in a middle ground here, I'm strong enough to hold on and stop being pulled down but controlling them stops me from reaching up to the hand that is there.  My mind plays tricks on me to the extreme, if I reach up will the hand be pulled away.  I trust the owner of this hand, they wouldn't do that.  But the demons taunt me and suggest and whisper and play to my innermost fears.  Does the hand exist at all they say, is it strong enough? Do you really know they will pull you in? In my heart or hearts it says reach up grab that hand for all you are worth.  Once you've grabbed it never let it go.

I can't hang on for ever I realise and I need to make a decision. The fear is that I don't make the decision at all or that I reach out and I miss that hand entirely. Sometimes it's not easy being me at all.  At the moment I can taste it - let's call it freedom shall we - breaking the bonds that hold me down, being free, cutting loose.  The demons are the manifestation of the extremes of the risks and the stuff I need to leave behind.  My head is a train wreck all twisted metal and dismembered parts.  

I think I can blame Bladder Cancer squarely for this and also the trauma of the treatment too.  I often said that the NHS (God bless them) treat the symptoms of the cancer and they do that well but it's just like anything else, a broken leg maybe, reset it, plaster it, few drugs, let nature take her course, off with the plaster, take it easy, good as new.  And so it is with many things I guess but cancer, that's different and they don't treat your mind.

Someone once asked me whether I thought I would die and I remember saying that yes I did - it was truly a moment of massive introverted thinking.  The dawning of what it may mean to leave everyone behind was a salutary lesson to me.  I've always looked at it that we all die but suddenly I didn't want to go then.  I think I remember wanting to see my kids graduate, perhaps get married or settle down and look after themselves was the main thing because 7 years ago tomorrow would be when I got ill.

NOW THERE YOU GO.... What do you reckon just happened there then????  7 years since I got ill - it must be plugged into my brain mustn't it.

1st July - my Mum's Birthday
2nd July - I get Cancer
3rd July - my Dad dies
4th July - my birthday

Oh FFS - could this be what it was all about all along?   Knew being able to blog today would be useful - bloody hell was it on the back of my mind all along?  Can't be it isn't the 2nd July yet.