I Wonder If....

I wonder if some piece of me died back there - 7 years ago.  It is exactly 7 years ago to the day when I had the operation that probably saved my life.  And there's me wondering why I've been all moody and strange these days....  

But I just wonder whether something got really broken back then?  I've not been the same since really.  I lost my job, I had others but nothing really satisfied me although the Charity came close to fulfilling a need. The last business was a brilliant idea but the markets weren't ready for it and probably still aren't even now.  Gave that my best shot but prolonged the inevitable really - it meant I worked hard for two years and spent all my waking hours at it.  It was enjoyable, possibly the biggest challenge of my life but did I do it so as to put off making some important decisions in my life?

I've run all the extremes in these past 7 years, diets, exercise, work, not working, psychometric reviews, weight gains and losses the whole gamut of emotions the whole experience of coming to terms with this thing that nearly killed me.

Today, I'm physically fit and I'm healthy, probably more than I've been for years.  A few more months and I should be down to a good weight that will make me more comfortable with myself although I'm a lot better now that I'm 3 1/2 stones lighter.  There's nothing wrong with me that a new brain that hasn't been pre-programed won't sort out :-)

Mentally, I'm a bloody wreck, have been for a number of years.  If you come here or know me you'll know that it isn't unusual for me to be bouncing off the ceiling with happiness or be digging in the cellar trying to find a trap door to hell.  Either can happen within minutes of each other.

And so that got me to wondering what on earth is different from pre and post cancer me?  The blindingly obvious is that I was brutally and macabrely confronted with my own mortality.  To stare at death is frightening especially as I wasn't even 50 then and felt I was at least bullet proof :-)  Try as I might I can only see small things that changed.  In many ways all the preconceptions you have about Cancer (generally) are proved wrong.  You win and you lose some friends and some family too - it's not their fault and you trying to fix things for them doesn't help a lot. What else?  Well everyone else gets on with their lives when maybe you think they shouldn't.  You get left to go it alone pretty much - although people are "with you" and "look out" for you they don't go through what you go through they don'r actually have the treatment and have the head f**k that you get with the treatment, the operations and the post traumatic body shock afterwards.  Only you can experience these things and only you know, deep down how truly frightening it all is.  Knowing that it can come back at any time, knowing that if some treatment doesn't work then there are radical alternatives that will save your life but alter it for ever too.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy of that I;m convinced and anyone who uses it in a threat is no human being because it isn't even remotely nice.

But I can't help thinking that something in my head or my body died back then and has never come back.  A piece of me that was there before isn't there now.  I know that I am no longer the hard nosed bast**d I used to be known for in business.  People thought I'd donate my heart to medical science only so the surgeons would have something tough enough to sharpen their scalpels on!  I had a pretty neat way with words so that some said that my words could be cutting like razors and I had spittle like battery acid!  I am no longer like that, I now have a conscience which I didn't really before.  I also found that I have a very low emotional threshold which I never had before.  I've said before that if you showed me Bambi's mum getting killed it would wipe me out and anything that is sad wipes me out - it never used to.  

So I can see these sorts of changes in me but something else changed and I can't see it because I'm too close to it.  I know something happened because I feel I've done nothing but whinge about it for 7 years and yet should be grateful for being alive so I can't have it both ways can I.

Suppose I could have had the choice but I think I'd still choose alive thank you very much.  So what died?  Buggered if I actually know really.  I just know that it uncomfortable just sitting here and living with this depression in its various guises.  Most of the time I'm up but occasionally (looks like July isn't a good month) there's the recollection of this heat, was very hot the day I was operated on, the discomfort and the few years of treatment all have drilled things into my brain to be released and revisited when I least expect them.  You can't beat being alive and so I'm not complaining about that, being fit and healthy, no that's good too.  It's this missing piece of the puzzle that's so damn annoying.  If I can fix that I can get on with life rather than living in this sort of doldrum I'm in at the moment.