At the moment Life is great for me. it isn't quite where or what I want it to be but hey it is early days yet and Rome wasn't built in a day. The struggle I have constantly is the battle between emotional living and being an analyst. If only I could decide who in this self-imposed schizophrenic state is the more dominant partner? At the moment it is a struggle and powerful as my emotions are at the moment I am still controlling and holding these in check.
The reason is that I find the emotional responses and actions are actually quite frightening to me - it makes you go out of control and it isn't logical or reasoned and I had a strange episode earlier where I just went into a depressive state - I countered it by going for a walk and then chatting with a friend and that was it over and done.
I think that the damage that was done to my mind and my body were actually quite significant and so I'm weak in terms of being able to fight off some of this stuff. My joke about crying at Bambi's mother's demise is about right. Silly stuff affects me deeply for no apparent reason at all.
But overall life is sweet and life is good. It's bloody complicated and complex and going to get worse but it is still good.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Grasping That Hand
You may recall that hand reaching out and me hanging from the precipice and wanting to reach out. So to hell with it - I did. Best thing I ever did by far.
Not quite out of danger yet but certainly feeling a lot better in myself. Have a great deal to be thankful to my friends, old and new, for. Feel I've been saved from a huge pit of despair and am actually well on the road to getting the old me (the bit I want to keep) back and on the way to rebuilding my life the way I want it to be and not how circumstances were dictating it to be.
Not quite out of danger yet but certainly feeling a lot better in myself. Have a great deal to be thankful to my friends, old and new, for. Feel I've been saved from a huge pit of despair and am actually well on the road to getting the old me (the bit I want to keep) back and on the way to rebuilding my life the way I want it to be and not how circumstances were dictating it to be.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A Day Without A Blog Is....
OK, I'm settling down and yesterday did a full day's work on this laptop backup and transfer project I've picked up.
Was out with my mates from school last night -- somewhat amused to find one was quite intrigued by the new me and the other one didn't notice :-) I suppose there's not too much to notice then but it was interesting to me that one noticed how much more "extrovert" I was last night. That's good it means that I am getting a little bolder now and less introverted which is part of my overall plan.
I'm feeling absolutely great this week - the weather is absolutely amazing really hot a little too humid maybe but we must not complain. It's one of the longest warm periods we've had for about 9 years or more.... Although I recall it being very warm the year I got ill.
Being me, being alive, it's all very good at the moment and I'm getting away from the struggles I had and beginning to let go and enjoy myself a lot more and be happy with my lot. I still feel like I want to up sticks and just go off somewhere but that's more a feeling than the need to do it (I think so anyway).
I think I can see some avenues to build my business up and my next real challenge is to knuckle down and sort it out and get the business plan completed. I did one 4 or 5 years ago and I just need to recover my discipline to do this. I think perhaps I can actually do that now and once the weather makes it conducive to working in my office which feels like an oven set to Gas Mark 4 at the moment, then I can get tucked into that. At the moment I have retreated into my Dining room which is quite cool with it's North facing window and Oak strip flooring. I still need a fan blowing constantly though!! It has to be low to mid 30 Degrees C I would have thought. It's definitely shorts and loose shirts and open toed sandals weather without a doubt.
Have to say that after a dreadful few weeks things are settled back down now and really feeling good, on top of my game and happy - yes at last happy with my lot and where I am. I mean life's still complicated but in reality it really is all good. I feel good, I'm losing weight still (although still have some trousers and shorts I'd like to fit into again) and whilst I'm not cycling in this weather - that is getting me out and about. I have some work to do - all is good - It actually has been a month yesterday that things changed so progress sure and steady :-)
Was out with my mates from school last night -- somewhat amused to find one was quite intrigued by the new me and the other one didn't notice :-) I suppose there's not too much to notice then but it was interesting to me that one noticed how much more "extrovert" I was last night. That's good it means that I am getting a little bolder now and less introverted which is part of my overall plan.
I'm feeling absolutely great this week - the weather is absolutely amazing really hot a little too humid maybe but we must not complain. It's one of the longest warm periods we've had for about 9 years or more.... Although I recall it being very warm the year I got ill.
Being me, being alive, it's all very good at the moment and I'm getting away from the struggles I had and beginning to let go and enjoy myself a lot more and be happy with my lot. I still feel like I want to up sticks and just go off somewhere but that's more a feeling than the need to do it (I think so anyway).
I think I can see some avenues to build my business up and my next real challenge is to knuckle down and sort it out and get the business plan completed. I did one 4 or 5 years ago and I just need to recover my discipline to do this. I think perhaps I can actually do that now and once the weather makes it conducive to working in my office which feels like an oven set to Gas Mark 4 at the moment, then I can get tucked into that. At the moment I have retreated into my Dining room which is quite cool with it's North facing window and Oak strip flooring. I still need a fan blowing constantly though!! It has to be low to mid 30 Degrees C I would have thought. It's definitely shorts and loose shirts and open toed sandals weather without a doubt.
Have to say that after a dreadful few weeks things are settled back down now and really feeling good, on top of my game and happy - yes at last happy with my lot and where I am. I mean life's still complicated but in reality it really is all good. I feel good, I'm losing weight still (although still have some trousers and shorts I'd like to fit into again) and whilst I'm not cycling in this weather - that is getting me out and about. I have some work to do - all is good - It actually has been a month yesterday that things changed so progress sure and steady :-)
Monday, July 15, 2013
WTF? Really it's easier to give obese people drugs than guide them to eat the right things? NO - REALLY??
Somehow - we are now treating obesity as a disease that can be tackled with surgery and now, drugs that mimic a gastric band so the Telegraph reported today. I mean what, you can treat this with more man made chemicals after we told people to eat all these cheap plentiful man produced carbohydrates that make us fat???
Is it me? Is this just completely bonkers or what? My kid brother has been on the Low Carbohydrate and High Fat diet for 2 weeks now and has lost a stone - sure he was big to start with but the weight is dropping off and he doesn't feel like he's being starved and neither does he feel hungry either. We are not meant to eat this junk and such high levels of sugar, fructose and other horrible stuff that's cheap and plentiful just think of the damage we are doing to ourselves...
The only people getting rich out of obesity are the food processing and drug companies and we are being told all this junk is good for us! Please, give us the facts and change our diets and let's reverse these terrible problems all come about in the past 40 or so years since it was decreed that all these insulin spiking foods were good for us. Turn the food pyramid upside down and finally you will have something near the truth of the matter.
Is it me? Is this just completely bonkers or what? My kid brother has been on the Low Carbohydrate and High Fat diet for 2 weeks now and has lost a stone - sure he was big to start with but the weight is dropping off and he doesn't feel like he's being starved and neither does he feel hungry either. We are not meant to eat this junk and such high levels of sugar, fructose and other horrible stuff that's cheap and plentiful just think of the damage we are doing to ourselves...
The only people getting rich out of obesity are the food processing and drug companies and we are being told all this junk is good for us! Please, give us the facts and change our diets and let's reverse these terrible problems all come about in the past 40 or so years since it was decreed that all these insulin spiking foods were good for us. Turn the food pyramid upside down and finally you will have something near the truth of the matter.
What Cost Is Too High
I often wonder what would happen if.......
All my life I've taken the logical solution, the safe bet, the right thing to do, the least expensive option - I've been the average Mr. Middle Class Englishman in everything I do. Sure I've taken a few chances in recent years but they were calculated and I knew what I was getting into and there wasn't any permanent harm done.
No what I'm thinking here is if something came along, in later life that was just so bonkers so off the wall and an opportunity arose to do something so crazy so silly would I do it? Stuff like upping sticks, moving to the middle of nowhere, taking up extreme knitting or something I don't know but just something that was so wildly out of character for me would I do it? I often feel like I've been in a Mid Life Crisis since I was a young guy. Often I've felt that there is so much I am capable of doing and yet I only operate to a few percent of what I'm really capable of.
To the 'new' me, the one with less logic and more emotion driving my life forward tells me there's more out there. An example would be the great day out I had yesterday. All we did was meet and have a chat and got on famously well. It was a beautiful summer's day and West London looked it's finest. There was a cooling breeze, there was pints of fine Youngs Bitter sitting outside at Kew Green and just soaking in the atmosphere, chatting about not much really - then a walk around Kew Green, down to Kew Bridge and the Thames path and walked along that. People were out enjoying themselves and cycling, walking and just generally enjoying the day. We wandered back to another pub and had a few more beers and it was just perfect. It was as if I had gone back twenty or thirty years. There were no pressures, no time to get back no rush to finish off your beer - just taking it easy.
It's difficult to say you don't get enjoyment from everyday life but when I think of that I wonder why all my leisure time can't be filled with good experiences like that.
And so back to the question I posed at the beginning, if your life could be transformed by something or perhaps something and someone then would you leap from your cosy existence? I don't know the answer but suddenly it's an option. Would I leave all that this life has for me here and just sling it all away on a whim, a flight of fancy, a change of lifestyle? It's appealing, very appealing but I'm not entirely sold on it but that's because of what I am I guess. Oh well, another imponderable to start the week off with. You know me :-)
All my life I've taken the logical solution, the safe bet, the right thing to do, the least expensive option - I've been the average Mr. Middle Class Englishman in everything I do. Sure I've taken a few chances in recent years but they were calculated and I knew what I was getting into and there wasn't any permanent harm done.
No what I'm thinking here is if something came along, in later life that was just so bonkers so off the wall and an opportunity arose to do something so crazy so silly would I do it? Stuff like upping sticks, moving to the middle of nowhere, taking up extreme knitting or something I don't know but just something that was so wildly out of character for me would I do it? I often feel like I've been in a Mid Life Crisis since I was a young guy. Often I've felt that there is so much I am capable of doing and yet I only operate to a few percent of what I'm really capable of.
To the 'new' me, the one with less logic and more emotion driving my life forward tells me there's more out there. An example would be the great day out I had yesterday. All we did was meet and have a chat and got on famously well. It was a beautiful summer's day and West London looked it's finest. There was a cooling breeze, there was pints of fine Youngs Bitter sitting outside at Kew Green and just soaking in the atmosphere, chatting about not much really - then a walk around Kew Green, down to Kew Bridge and the Thames path and walked along that. People were out enjoying themselves and cycling, walking and just generally enjoying the day. We wandered back to another pub and had a few more beers and it was just perfect. It was as if I had gone back twenty or thirty years. There were no pressures, no time to get back no rush to finish off your beer - just taking it easy.
It's difficult to say you don't get enjoyment from everyday life but when I think of that I wonder why all my leisure time can't be filled with good experiences like that.
And so back to the question I posed at the beginning, if your life could be transformed by something or perhaps something and someone then would you leap from your cosy existence? I don't know the answer but suddenly it's an option. Would I leave all that this life has for me here and just sling it all away on a whim, a flight of fancy, a change of lifestyle? It's appealing, very appealing but I'm not entirely sold on it but that's because of what I am I guess. Oh well, another imponderable to start the week off with. You know me :-)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Double Cheat Day
Well I went up to London to see my cousin - we had a great afternoon. We went to a local pub on Kew Green and had a nice time. I managed to make sure I just had a salad but of course, I was drinking beer all day - but have to say it was just nice to go and do something so different. We wandered around the green and down around the Thames, past the National Archives and back to finish off with a few beers by the station. It was all very nice and in such hot weather was just great to have some time to chat and catch up. After all it must be 15 or maybe 20 years. The journey home was a nightmare as only we can mess up. a full train arrived but I saw there was one 4 minutes later but - no there wasn't - about 20 minutes later one came along and it wasn't going all the way, then we had to change then that train changed direction and so I used my normal get out of jail instincts and headed for another underground line and made my way home a different way. What should have taken 31 minutes took close to 2 hours!
Looking at my face in the mirror I sure did catch the sun though - have gone through the tired sleepy bit and now wide awake.
Looking at my face in the mirror I sure did catch the sun though - have gone through the tired sleepy bit and now wide awake.
Phew a Scorcher
We're British - we complain it is too cold and then when it gets warm we complain again - it's what we do :-) but it is a scorcher out there and I'm off to London soon. Luckily some of the trains are air conditioned but not all of them though - and the Underground could be interesting but needs must and I'm off to see my cousin today over at Kew Gardens.
I need to remind myself that life's answers are not always found in the bottom of a bottle. Not that I'm hungover but that I should have just turned in and gone to bed last night rather than sit up and watch two films.
Cheat day it may have been yesterday but I didn't really need the extra beers, I'd already had some with Flocky at lunchtime....
I need to remind myself that life's answers are not always found in the bottom of a bottle. Not that I'm hungover but that I should have just turned in and gone to bed last night rather than sit up and watch two films.
Cheat day it may have been yesterday but I didn't really need the extra beers, I'd already had some with Flocky at lunchtime....
Oh - it's a year today that we had Dad's Funeral
I realised that I was watching two films that I'd watched the night my dad died:
Koyaanisqatsi and Field of Dreams and that I was a bit of a mess in the last one. It always "gets me" does Field of Dreams. It's a bit like the Shawshank Redemption in many ways and somehow it's like sticking peeled onions under my eyes :-)
It's a year ago since Dad's funeral and I guess that hasn't helped either but both films took on their other meanings tonight which is of hope and so I'm sort of OK that I watched them.
Later today I'm meeting up with my cousin from the US who is over here for a short while. I haven't seen him for about 22 years or so I guess. It will be nice to catch up. My daughter L is running in memory of her granddad in Race For Life at Hyde Park tomorrow.
I thought, as it's the anniversary of Dad's funeral - I'd just replay the words I said that day:
"Good morning and thank you for coming to support us today. We hope that you will also be able to join us afterwards at the Crown Hotel
Before I talk about Dad, both Mum and I wish to take this opportunity to thank T and S for their invaluable support. They've been available at a moments notice around the clock when dad has needed attention at home. They have provided mum with transport to and from the Hospital, which is a long way from the house, over many weeks, and on more times than we would have liked. They've shared some of the most traumatic moments of this past year and have been by mum’s side supporting her during each and every one of them.
T and S - Thank you for being there for mum and for dad. We hope that you can now take a well earned break and not be on edge all the time waiting and wondering what the next phone call will bring.
I know that It goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, that mum, throughout dad’s illness, has been with him every step of this roller coaster journey and she has been at his side throughout and I know that dad appreciated that you were there being a loving and familiar face in scary, unfamiliar and sometimes unpleasant or bewildering surroundings. Thank you for caring for dad the way you have and for being there for him. I know that you would have had it no other way but we thank you nonetheless for that.
So what can we say about Dad? You can't sum a life up in 5 minutes and I don’t intend to do so but perhaps I can just give you a flavour of what he was like and just a few reflections on what life could be like in the "F" household.
Dad was a very private and in some ways enigmatic man, I doubt many of us TRULY knew him fully. He worked hard, he had an encyclopaedic mind and was quick witted. He was a very practical man a shrewd and intelligent business man. He travelled extensively throughout the Middle East and the rest of the world and was lucky to escape from the Lebanon when the crisis kicked off there back in the late 70s and early 80s.
Dad loved gardening as T and I can testify having been “encouraged” to help turn over and then double dig the clay sodden ground of the appropriately named Claywood Close, in Orpington when we moved there from London in 1967. It was there that T and I hit, with a resounding and echoing thud, what we thought - with our over active young minds - must and could only have been a second world war bomb buried in the mud and it was dad who carefully checked and found it to be the submerged trunk of a large tree ploughed into the ground by the builders.
We also spent many days creosoting the enormous fence around the garden for pocket money something that would have Health and Safety people going bonkers today. There was no minimum wage in 1967 but knowing mum and dad we probably got paid over the odds and it supplemented our pocket money very nicely indeed.
Once finished, Claywood Close was an amazing riot of colour and had a huge vegetable plot and mum and dad produced one of many amazing gardens there and in fact all their subsequent houses. It was one of dad’s great joys and the floral arrangement on his coffin reflects his great love of flowers and of their wonderful colours. He knew all the Latin names of the flowers, shrubs and trees and where they’d thrive best and his vegetables were amazing, it was like having your own Geoff Hamilton or Alan Titchmarsh in the house.
T and I probably didn’t get the health benefits of all those home grown vegetables. Back then T and I thought a packet of Rowntrees fruit pastilles would deliver your 5 a day and we probably still think that today.
Dad was a great lover of music and we have tried to reflect some of that today but with such varied artists as Queen (one of his favourites), the Rolling Stones, Status Quo, Country and Western and Traditional Jazz in dad’s collection to choose from it proved difficult. We hope you enjoy the choices and that he would to. I was going to explain, but you can ask us later, why we had the Acker Bilk songs.
The house was a happy musical place, although I’m not sure that all of T’s and my music choices were always fully appreciated. If the music got too loud and we didn’t turn it down when asked, dad would pull the fuse out and all the power would go off to our bedrooms rendering our record players useless.
Together with my Trumpet, dad’s and my electric guitars, T’s drum kit and dad’s keyboard we must have been great neighbours to live next door to when we got together to make music (well we called it music).
It’s not a widely known fact but my dad was the greatest cricketer in the world, he was also the best footballer, the fastest runner and the best table tennis player or at least he was in our back garden. To us he was Freddie Truman, Brian Close, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton and Gordon Banks all rolled into one and as every child knows, their dad is a superhero, indestructible and totally brilliant at absolutely everything.
We learnt how to trap and strike a football, how to bowl an off break, why you polished the cricket ball on one side, how to play a forward defensive stroke, bowl a googly or thrash a loose ball to the boundary. He was a demon at Table Tennis too and had a table tennis trophy to prove it. He even built us a table tennis table which saw plenty of action.
He played a mean game of cards and a shrewd hand of dominos too and like his dad, my granddad, he wasn’t averse to dropping a biffer in every now and then, you have to watch out for those "F's" I can tell you!
Not only in the field of sports was he proficient he also taught us woodwork, how to saw straight “let the tool do the work” he would say, how to hang wallpaper, paint, lay bricks, plaster, and he taught us electrics and plumbing too.
Dad loved doing crosswords; he enjoyed Science Fiction books and got great pleasure from modern technology and what science could now do. Often he would reflect on how things he had read about as a young man had come true especially Rockets and landing men on the moon, computers, mobile phones, medical advances and the like. Dad was always well read and could talk to you on almost any subject you wanted to bring up.
Dad had a keen and shall we say “well developed” sense of humour. We call it the "F" sense of humour, it can be pretty dark, it can be downright stupid and it can be witheringly funny too. Even just a few weeks ago, when a nurse asked if she could take his blood pressure he said, as long as you bring it back again afterwards! His sense of humour and stoicism and dare I say bravery saw him through these past difficult months. He battled on and whilst there were some pretty bad days he kept courteous and polite and he tried to bring his humour to bear throughout.
Always the joker, on one occasion he kept other patients amused by holding up two urinal bottles to either side of his head looking like an over sized Shrek character. His final admission to hospital was due to a fall and even that became known as Dad’s “Del boy moment” as he crashed through the door of the bathroom. He managed a wry smile when we told him that one.
Dad adored the humour and sometimes silliness of films and shows like Airplane, Only Fools and Horses and Dad’s Army as well as comedians like Tommy Cooper, Eric Sykes, the Two Ronnies, and of course Morecambe and Wise. We’d be watching these with him rolling around with laughter and it was even funnier if mum didn’t get the joke or see the funny side as that would make us laugh even harder. It’s fair to say that we had lots of fun growing up with mum and dad.
It could only be him who on one occasion sent his sons off to the playing fields looking for Sheep’s feathers. It kept us happy for hours and hours until we finally twigged what was going on.
As I said earlier, Dad enjoyed Cross words and puzzles of all kinds – he could normally complete the Telegraph crossword in around 10 minutes – it would take me that long to get just one answer – in fact it still does. He was brilliant at doing things on Countdown and programmes like University Challenge.
He used to ‘wind up’ some of our fellow commuters on the train. Sometimes, when the crossword was particularly difficult, he would make a large gesture of folding his newspaper early on in the journey and looking at the city gents struggling to fill in theirs, he would sit back and say “that was an easy one this morning” and smile.
He was a bit of a rascal too as he would get us to arrive early at the station and he would sit in someone’s regular seat. They’d spend the journey up to London rattling their newspapers at him or mumbling things like “I say Gerald, isn't that chap in your seat?” T and I had difficulty keeping a straight face on these occasions and would set each other off trying not to laugh.
On other occasions he would throw his voice and make cat meowing noises whilst people would be looking around searching for the poor non existent creature.
Dad used to drive mum to distraction sometimes with his japes getting an “Ern, get away with you!” or something like that. Life was never dull in the "F" household. He’d drive the car on the white line of the road when there were no other cars around to get mum to tell him to “Ern, get off the cats eyes”. He’d carry on doing it to see just how far he’d get before getting a bash on his arm. T and I would be scorned not to encourage him but that was part of the fun of going out on an expedition in the car and dad was always up for a laugh.
Dad was a man of promptness and celerity he would hate to be late and by now he’d be looking at his watch, shuffling his feet, lifting his eyebrows and rolling his eyes at me for making a long speech and he’d be horrified that I was saying nice things about him so I’ll end with this.
We remember Ernie, our dad, with a great deal of affection and with enormous pride. We are very fortunate that he and mum were together for 56 years and we are grateful for their love and the solid family home and foundation they built for us. He was a great dad, a fabulous granddad, a funny and a generous man and above all he was a really nice bloke and we will miss him dearly.
“So Long Dad”
Be good
Oh yes - And if you can’t be good, be careful."
Koyaanisqatsi and Field of Dreams and that I was a bit of a mess in the last one. It always "gets me" does Field of Dreams. It's a bit like the Shawshank Redemption in many ways and somehow it's like sticking peeled onions under my eyes :-)
It's a year ago since Dad's funeral and I guess that hasn't helped either but both films took on their other meanings tonight which is of hope and so I'm sort of OK that I watched them.
Later today I'm meeting up with my cousin from the US who is over here for a short while. I haven't seen him for about 22 years or so I guess. It will be nice to catch up. My daughter L is running in memory of her granddad in Race For Life at Hyde Park tomorrow.
I thought, as it's the anniversary of Dad's funeral - I'd just replay the words I said that day:
"Good morning and thank you for coming to support us today. We hope that you will also be able to join us afterwards at the Crown Hotel
Before I talk about Dad, both Mum and I wish to take this opportunity to thank T and S for their invaluable support. They've been available at a moments notice around the clock when dad has needed attention at home. They have provided mum with transport to and from the Hospital, which is a long way from the house, over many weeks, and on more times than we would have liked. They've shared some of the most traumatic moments of this past year and have been by mum’s side supporting her during each and every one of them.
T and S - Thank you for being there for mum and for dad. We hope that you can now take a well earned break and not be on edge all the time waiting and wondering what the next phone call will bring.
I know that It goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, that mum, throughout dad’s illness, has been with him every step of this roller coaster journey and she has been at his side throughout and I know that dad appreciated that you were there being a loving and familiar face in scary, unfamiliar and sometimes unpleasant or bewildering surroundings. Thank you for caring for dad the way you have and for being there for him. I know that you would have had it no other way but we thank you nonetheless for that.
So what can we say about Dad? You can't sum a life up in 5 minutes and I don’t intend to do so but perhaps I can just give you a flavour of what he was like and just a few reflections on what life could be like in the "F" household.
Dad was a very private and in some ways enigmatic man, I doubt many of us TRULY knew him fully. He worked hard, he had an encyclopaedic mind and was quick witted. He was a very practical man a shrewd and intelligent business man. He travelled extensively throughout the Middle East and the rest of the world and was lucky to escape from the Lebanon when the crisis kicked off there back in the late 70s and early 80s.
Dad loved gardening as T and I can testify having been “encouraged” to help turn over and then double dig the clay sodden ground of the appropriately named Claywood Close, in Orpington when we moved there from London in 1967. It was there that T and I hit, with a resounding and echoing thud, what we thought - with our over active young minds - must and could only have been a second world war bomb buried in the mud and it was dad who carefully checked and found it to be the submerged trunk of a large tree ploughed into the ground by the builders.
We also spent many days creosoting the enormous fence around the garden for pocket money something that would have Health and Safety people going bonkers today. There was no minimum wage in 1967 but knowing mum and dad we probably got paid over the odds and it supplemented our pocket money very nicely indeed.
Once finished, Claywood Close was an amazing riot of colour and had a huge vegetable plot and mum and dad produced one of many amazing gardens there and in fact all their subsequent houses. It was one of dad’s great joys and the floral arrangement on his coffin reflects his great love of flowers and of their wonderful colours. He knew all the Latin names of the flowers, shrubs and trees and where they’d thrive best and his vegetables were amazing, it was like having your own Geoff Hamilton or Alan Titchmarsh in the house.
T and I probably didn’t get the health benefits of all those home grown vegetables. Back then T and I thought a packet of Rowntrees fruit pastilles would deliver your 5 a day and we probably still think that today.
Dad was a great lover of music and we have tried to reflect some of that today but with such varied artists as Queen (one of his favourites), the Rolling Stones, Status Quo, Country and Western and Traditional Jazz in dad’s collection to choose from it proved difficult. We hope you enjoy the choices and that he would to. I was going to explain, but you can ask us later, why we had the Acker Bilk songs.
The house was a happy musical place, although I’m not sure that all of T’s and my music choices were always fully appreciated. If the music got too loud and we didn’t turn it down when asked, dad would pull the fuse out and all the power would go off to our bedrooms rendering our record players useless.
Together with my Trumpet, dad’s and my electric guitars, T’s drum kit and dad’s keyboard we must have been great neighbours to live next door to when we got together to make music (well we called it music).
It’s not a widely known fact but my dad was the greatest cricketer in the world, he was also the best footballer, the fastest runner and the best table tennis player or at least he was in our back garden. To us he was Freddie Truman, Brian Close, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton and Gordon Banks all rolled into one and as every child knows, their dad is a superhero, indestructible and totally brilliant at absolutely everything.
We learnt how to trap and strike a football, how to bowl an off break, why you polished the cricket ball on one side, how to play a forward defensive stroke, bowl a googly or thrash a loose ball to the boundary. He was a demon at Table Tennis too and had a table tennis trophy to prove it. He even built us a table tennis table which saw plenty of action.
He played a mean game of cards and a shrewd hand of dominos too and like his dad, my granddad, he wasn’t averse to dropping a biffer in every now and then, you have to watch out for those "F's" I can tell you!
Not only in the field of sports was he proficient he also taught us woodwork, how to saw straight “let the tool do the work” he would say, how to hang wallpaper, paint, lay bricks, plaster, and he taught us electrics and plumbing too.
Dad loved doing crosswords; he enjoyed Science Fiction books and got great pleasure from modern technology and what science could now do. Often he would reflect on how things he had read about as a young man had come true especially Rockets and landing men on the moon, computers, mobile phones, medical advances and the like. Dad was always well read and could talk to you on almost any subject you wanted to bring up.
Dad had a keen and shall we say “well developed” sense of humour. We call it the "F" sense of humour, it can be pretty dark, it can be downright stupid and it can be witheringly funny too. Even just a few weeks ago, when a nurse asked if she could take his blood pressure he said, as long as you bring it back again afterwards! His sense of humour and stoicism and dare I say bravery saw him through these past difficult months. He battled on and whilst there were some pretty bad days he kept courteous and polite and he tried to bring his humour to bear throughout.
Always the joker, on one occasion he kept other patients amused by holding up two urinal bottles to either side of his head looking like an over sized Shrek character. His final admission to hospital was due to a fall and even that became known as Dad’s “Del boy moment” as he crashed through the door of the bathroom. He managed a wry smile when we told him that one.
Dad adored the humour and sometimes silliness of films and shows like Airplane, Only Fools and Horses and Dad’s Army as well as comedians like Tommy Cooper, Eric Sykes, the Two Ronnies, and of course Morecambe and Wise. We’d be watching these with him rolling around with laughter and it was even funnier if mum didn’t get the joke or see the funny side as that would make us laugh even harder. It’s fair to say that we had lots of fun growing up with mum and dad.
It could only be him who on one occasion sent his sons off to the playing fields looking for Sheep’s feathers. It kept us happy for hours and hours until we finally twigged what was going on.
As I said earlier, Dad enjoyed Cross words and puzzles of all kinds – he could normally complete the Telegraph crossword in around 10 minutes – it would take me that long to get just one answer – in fact it still does. He was brilliant at doing things on Countdown and programmes like University Challenge.
He used to ‘wind up’ some of our fellow commuters on the train. Sometimes, when the crossword was particularly difficult, he would make a large gesture of folding his newspaper early on in the journey and looking at the city gents struggling to fill in theirs, he would sit back and say “that was an easy one this morning” and smile.
He was a bit of a rascal too as he would get us to arrive early at the station and he would sit in someone’s regular seat. They’d spend the journey up to London rattling their newspapers at him or mumbling things like “I say Gerald, isn't that chap in your seat?” T and I had difficulty keeping a straight face on these occasions and would set each other off trying not to laugh.
On other occasions he would throw his voice and make cat meowing noises whilst people would be looking around searching for the poor non existent creature.
Dad used to drive mum to distraction sometimes with his japes getting an “Ern, get away with you!” or something like that. Life was never dull in the "F" household. He’d drive the car on the white line of the road when there were no other cars around to get mum to tell him to “Ern, get off the cats eyes”. He’d carry on doing it to see just how far he’d get before getting a bash on his arm. T and I would be scorned not to encourage him but that was part of the fun of going out on an expedition in the car and dad was always up for a laugh.
Dad was a man of promptness and celerity he would hate to be late and by now he’d be looking at his watch, shuffling his feet, lifting his eyebrows and rolling his eyes at me for making a long speech and he’d be horrified that I was saying nice things about him so I’ll end with this.
We remember Ernie, our dad, with a great deal of affection and with enormous pride. We are very fortunate that he and mum were together for 56 years and we are grateful for their love and the solid family home and foundation they built for us. He was a great dad, a fabulous granddad, a funny and a generous man and above all he was a really nice bloke and we will miss him dearly.
“So Long Dad”
Be good
Oh yes - And if you can’t be good, be careful."
Nuff said
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Taking things slowly
I want my whole life to change now, tomorrow, straight away. I want to wake up and have a clean slate, a new piece of paper and just remember (but not regret) everything that has happened before so that I no longer make the same mistakes or travel the wrong paths again.
Valhalla right? Well of course it is - it just isn't possible to stop the world, I want to get off. And then again, is it?
I doubt any of us would not want to wind back the past, do things differently but we are here because we did those things. It goes something along these lines:
Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
I was watching a programme tonight about albums and single and how in the 70s they were king of the music business and what they meant to someone - of my age - growing up around that time. I had a horrifying thought that from the late 70s to now had all been a mistake, that I'd missed something fundamental out of my life. I hadn't had a drink by then either. What it was, was indeed quite profound in my mind and that was that they played some music of the 70s and More Than A Feeling buy Boston rang out. I had my first senior job, was a junior manager, drove into London each day in a pretty new car with an 8 track and a cassette player and used to have that song blaring out in the car. Life was brilliant around that time. Crazy girlfriend, crazy working, late hours, regular concerts and parties, great clothes, I was as fit as a Butcher's Dog, had loads of hair and hardly any cares in the world.
I suddenly yearned to wind back the clock again to that simpler age where music provided the soundtrack, where there were no responsibilities and we just enjoyed life. Of course, that's not possible to recreate it even if you wanted to but the essence of that time, the underlying principles would be a start. Today my life doesn't have any soundtrack to it. There isn't that carefree life even though my children are grown up and no longer a responsibility as such. Things are secured, there's no need to be living in a who finishes first race to the grave and yet strangely that's how I kind of see things these days. Where's all the fun gone? Where's having a life gone? Why is everything such a chore and so difficult?
That's part of the reason I'm breaking out of the prison of my mind and going out and seeking getting a life or getting my old one back or reinventing myself. It seems completely bonkers to just be breathing air and consuming resources unless you actually go and do something with them.
I rejoiced in a couple of things yesterday - one was that I saw a Nuthatch (A Tree Creeper) bird which is very distinctive on the tree outside my window, I saw some Jays come over to the tree and grab some Mistletoe berries, Cycled past the local Church and as I got to the Lych Gate the sun was shining down the tree arched lane towards the church and the light was amazing. It's progress for me to see such things, it's lovely, it's charming and it's a place I want to go to. If not, what was the point of surviving if not to rejoice in what we have, what is around us and to start to live a little rather than to remain a prisoner of my mind and body and my house and my office?
It isn't going to happen overnight, I wish it would all be different tomorrow. It will happen in it's own good time at a speed that is appropriate (I hope) for me. It's hardly been 4 weeks and so progress is amazingly good yet also it could be said to be slow as well. I've just got to keep the faith, keep plugging away, hold on to my dreams and go for it. I just need to remember to keep things slowly and steadily and not to be impatient!
Valhalla right? Well of course it is - it just isn't possible to stop the world, I want to get off. And then again, is it?
I doubt any of us would not want to wind back the past, do things differently but we are here because we did those things. It goes something along these lines:
Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
I was watching a programme tonight about albums and single and how in the 70s they were king of the music business and what they meant to someone - of my age - growing up around that time. I had a horrifying thought that from the late 70s to now had all been a mistake, that I'd missed something fundamental out of my life. I hadn't had a drink by then either. What it was, was indeed quite profound in my mind and that was that they played some music of the 70s and More Than A Feeling buy Boston rang out. I had my first senior job, was a junior manager, drove into London each day in a pretty new car with an 8 track and a cassette player and used to have that song blaring out in the car. Life was brilliant around that time. Crazy girlfriend, crazy working, late hours, regular concerts and parties, great clothes, I was as fit as a Butcher's Dog, had loads of hair and hardly any cares in the world.
I suddenly yearned to wind back the clock again to that simpler age where music provided the soundtrack, where there were no responsibilities and we just enjoyed life. Of course, that's not possible to recreate it even if you wanted to but the essence of that time, the underlying principles would be a start. Today my life doesn't have any soundtrack to it. There isn't that carefree life even though my children are grown up and no longer a responsibility as such. Things are secured, there's no need to be living in a who finishes first race to the grave and yet strangely that's how I kind of see things these days. Where's all the fun gone? Where's having a life gone? Why is everything such a chore and so difficult?
That's part of the reason I'm breaking out of the prison of my mind and going out and seeking getting a life or getting my old one back or reinventing myself. It seems completely bonkers to just be breathing air and consuming resources unless you actually go and do something with them.
I rejoiced in a couple of things yesterday - one was that I saw a Nuthatch (A Tree Creeper) bird which is very distinctive on the tree outside my window, I saw some Jays come over to the tree and grab some Mistletoe berries, Cycled past the local Church and as I got to the Lych Gate the sun was shining down the tree arched lane towards the church and the light was amazing. It's progress for me to see such things, it's lovely, it's charming and it's a place I want to go to. If not, what was the point of surviving if not to rejoice in what we have, what is around us and to start to live a little rather than to remain a prisoner of my mind and body and my house and my office?
It isn't going to happen overnight, I wish it would all be different tomorrow. It will happen in it's own good time at a speed that is appropriate (I hope) for me. It's hardly been 4 weeks and so progress is amazingly good yet also it could be said to be slow as well. I've just got to keep the faith, keep plugging away, hold on to my dreams and go for it. I just need to remember to keep things slowly and steadily and not to be impatient!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Well I think it is working now
Whilst it has been a struggle to endeavour to change my life, I can see some green shoots and some changes happening to me. It's painfully slow of course but I'm getting there even if it is in short bursts. Grabbed a coffee with Flocky Bicep this morning at my local coffee shop. A great friend to talk to, a real mate and is helping me very much to drag my sorry arse out of the place I've been in the last 6 or 7 years.
It is always going to be a struggle when you are trying to change your life and your attitude and your whole being is trying to fight the changes you have imposed. It's a comfortable but not a nice place and so I don't want to stay where I was up until a few weeks ago. I have no idea where it is all leading - I only hope that I don't find I hate where I get to more than where I've come from. Some say it is the journey not the destination so perhaps there is no destination in the future just a direction to continue along. It's getting away from the material and the now and heading off to the non material and embracing the uncertainties and emotions of life I need to aspire to. To let it happen and stop trying to somehow control it and try and bend nature and everyone around me to do my bidding.
It is hard hard work to let go, to take that step off. I always recollect starting my first business and the worst part was that first step off into the unknown in the hope that your foot landed on something solid but realising it was like an uneven staircase in the dark, you were just never certain how steep that next step was whether it would bring you up short and jar your leg or would be a longer drop than you expected. That's what life is like, I've just got to get used to it that's all. Learn to embrace it. Vive La Difference...
It is always going to be a struggle when you are trying to change your life and your attitude and your whole being is trying to fight the changes you have imposed. It's a comfortable but not a nice place and so I don't want to stay where I was up until a few weeks ago. I have no idea where it is all leading - I only hope that I don't find I hate where I get to more than where I've come from. Some say it is the journey not the destination so perhaps there is no destination in the future just a direction to continue along. It's getting away from the material and the now and heading off to the non material and embracing the uncertainties and emotions of life I need to aspire to. To let it happen and stop trying to somehow control it and try and bend nature and everyone around me to do my bidding.
It is hard hard work to let go, to take that step off. I always recollect starting my first business and the worst part was that first step off into the unknown in the hope that your foot landed on something solid but realising it was like an uneven staircase in the dark, you were just never certain how steep that next step was whether it would bring you up short and jar your leg or would be a longer drop than you expected. That's what life is like, I've just got to get used to it that's all. Learn to embrace it. Vive La Difference...
One in the morning
Internet is playing up, still a few sips of red wine left in my glass. Today has been a good day. I finally got to escape from my head for a short while and spent 45 minutes just not even thinking about my head, analysis - nothing in fact - just enjoying some company, a blue sky, a tranquil position in a quiet country garden and all that work paid off - even for that short while. I wasn't calculating anything at all, not thinking about anything other than enjoyment and pleasure.
Managed to cycle there and back too and felt even better for doing that as well.
A good day, a small turning point but nevertheless significant. Here's to more small steps to returning to the human race in time :-)
Managed to cycle there and back too and felt even better for doing that as well.
A good day, a small turning point but nevertheless significant. Here's to more small steps to returning to the human race in time :-)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Obesity - A Disease? Think Again
You can often think that the stuff on Dr. Mercola is slightly alarmist this article should convince you otherwise - the more I read and investigate this the worse it looks. Have a read and see what you think?
I've already said that it appears strange to me that the cause of a problem are not addressed rather that we invent drugs (further non natural things) to combat a "disease" that we don't actually have in the first place if we ate properly and not to some fictitious and self interest driven agenda.
There's not a lot of money to be made if we all ate like humans should. Rates of obesity, diabetes, heart problems and some cancers could all be reduced. It's pretty obvious that there's money to be made from millions of unhealthy people. Our hospitals and health systems are overloaded with these problems and yet a simple change of lifestyle and diet could save us billions of pounds. Strewth I'm was over 3 1/2 stones lighter in 6 months - that's the bottom line. It never dawned on me that the food pyramid I was following, the 5 a day ethic and all the other food advice given were just sticking the weight on me.
As soon as I changed my diet the pounds dropped off me and whilst things have slowed the trend is still downwards. It's a big concern that all these sugary drinks, potato snacks and cakes, flour, potatoes, pastas and bread are just thumping the weight on to people and building up the very real possibility of becoming diabetic, obese, prone to heart disease and the like.
I've already said that it appears strange to me that the cause of a problem are not addressed rather that we invent drugs (further non natural things) to combat a "disease" that we don't actually have in the first place if we ate properly and not to some fictitious and self interest driven agenda.
There's not a lot of money to be made if we all ate like humans should. Rates of obesity, diabetes, heart problems and some cancers could all be reduced. It's pretty obvious that there's money to be made from millions of unhealthy people. Our hospitals and health systems are overloaded with these problems and yet a simple change of lifestyle and diet could save us billions of pounds. Strewth I'm was over 3 1/2 stones lighter in 6 months - that's the bottom line. It never dawned on me that the food pyramid I was following, the 5 a day ethic and all the other food advice given were just sticking the weight on me.
As soon as I changed my diet the pounds dropped off me and whilst things have slowed the trend is still downwards. It's a big concern that all these sugary drinks, potato snacks and cakes, flour, potatoes, pastas and bread are just thumping the weight on to people and building up the very real possibility of becoming diabetic, obese, prone to heart disease and the like.
And It Got Me Thinking
Yes - I know - what are the chances of that? :-) Every chance of course!
Watching the programme last night about becoming less anxious, less inside your own head, less analytical and to grow out of it and it really is beginning to feel as if that is happening. I can't tell you how difficult it actually is though. It is a continual struggle to stop yourself going back to where you were. It's easy to fall back into the habits of a lifetime and go to that "happy place" in your head except it isn't a happy place at all, it's insular, it's self injuring, it's poisonous sometimes eating away at you, it's lonely and yet it is also comfortable and self fulfilling, familiar and my bolt hole from reality. It's where I do all my thinking and planning, it's also where I mentally "self-harm" myself where I beat myself up, where my darkest thoughts gang up on me and so it isn't all that nice either.
I wonder if I struggle with mental health problems but I don't think so, I certainly have never felt that I have. I do suffer from massive introversion and with the processing power of my brain - more so when it isn't doing anything other than looking at itself - it leaves me open to attack myself and if you've read this blog you know how bad that can be. I have no doubt that I've had depression of some sort and that I have pretty low self esteem and low confidence levels although if you met me face-to-face you'd probably find that hard to believe, I'm pretty good on the outside just a little bit rotten on the inside.
The Hippocampus region of the brain and it's there that some of the stress that cancer caused appears to have screwed around with my head was mentioned last night - a little too much to go through here. I was thinking about how I've taken a long time to get to a position of taking a bit of control and to stop living in this spiral of introverted inward gazing, self mocking post cancer life that just didn't allow me to build away from what had happened. How I envy some of the patients I met who took this all in their stride and cancer surgery was like popping down to Sainsburys for them. They turned up, had their operation and went straight back to their lives.
Me? It affected me pretty deeply and profoundly as mortality was presented to me right before my eyes. I wanted to know all about it, how to cure it, prognosis, mathematical equations, odds and potential life expectancy. To me, I needed to understand all this. Not sure that it would be everyone's ideal.
Let's leave the operations, treatments, side effects and physicals to one side apart from to say that these are challenging in their own right. Apart from here in the blog and on the odd occasions when I did feel like sh1te, I hid that lot - no need to upset anyone else is there? I struggled more with the mental side.
After all these years and quite suddenly it dawned on me that if I was to get out of here, get out of my mind - without the use of mind bending drugs that is! :-) - I needed to let go of how I live now (well then) and to start to live my life through a more emotionally driven way rather than the theory plann, manage and direct way I have all my adult life. To me it is a terrifying place to go because it does mean I don't have that control, it is also liberating and exciting and makes me feel alive as well. It's only been three weeks and it's been anything but straightforward and it certainly hasn't been easy but I do have a couple of very close friends who are helping me through this transition. I'm so glad that they are there because I struggle with it but I'll not be beaten.
I'd say that my self esteem and self belief have improved, I feel good most of the time, I actually stand and walk tall when I'm out, I can feel that. I do get attacks of confidence and doubt but I am dealing with those. It feels like I'm struggling to shed off an old skin and emerge anew. It isn't all happening at once that's impossible but day by day I am getting more confident, have a much better can do attitude and slowly the procrastination that has dogged me for so very long is beginning to melt away.
Life's got good at last - life's also got frightening and big and time is going fast and slow and I feel great and worried :-) It's brilliant, it's all rather new, it's all rather scary and yet wonderful too. I've a long way to go to change my head and to climb out of the cr@p place I've been for so long. I've the opportunity to grasp it, I have good friends who are there to support me too.
The climb away from Depression is a long one but I've made a great start, my mind is now open to new possibilities and gradually I'm being pulled out of the prehensile strands that hold me back and of the shadows of my mind that aren't there to help but to wound me.
Watching the programme last night about becoming less anxious, less inside your own head, less analytical and to grow out of it and it really is beginning to feel as if that is happening. I can't tell you how difficult it actually is though. It is a continual struggle to stop yourself going back to where you were. It's easy to fall back into the habits of a lifetime and go to that "happy place" in your head except it isn't a happy place at all, it's insular, it's self injuring, it's poisonous sometimes eating away at you, it's lonely and yet it is also comfortable and self fulfilling, familiar and my bolt hole from reality. It's where I do all my thinking and planning, it's also where I mentally "self-harm" myself where I beat myself up, where my darkest thoughts gang up on me and so it isn't all that nice either.
I wonder if I struggle with mental health problems but I don't think so, I certainly have never felt that I have. I do suffer from massive introversion and with the processing power of my brain - more so when it isn't doing anything other than looking at itself - it leaves me open to attack myself and if you've read this blog you know how bad that can be. I have no doubt that I've had depression of some sort and that I have pretty low self esteem and low confidence levels although if you met me face-to-face you'd probably find that hard to believe, I'm pretty good on the outside just a little bit rotten on the inside.
The Hippocampus region of the brain and it's there that some of the stress that cancer caused appears to have screwed around with my head was mentioned last night - a little too much to go through here. I was thinking about how I've taken a long time to get to a position of taking a bit of control and to stop living in this spiral of introverted inward gazing, self mocking post cancer life that just didn't allow me to build away from what had happened. How I envy some of the patients I met who took this all in their stride and cancer surgery was like popping down to Sainsburys for them. They turned up, had their operation and went straight back to their lives.
Me? It affected me pretty deeply and profoundly as mortality was presented to me right before my eyes. I wanted to know all about it, how to cure it, prognosis, mathematical equations, odds and potential life expectancy. To me, I needed to understand all this. Not sure that it would be everyone's ideal.
Let's leave the operations, treatments, side effects and physicals to one side apart from to say that these are challenging in their own right. Apart from here in the blog and on the odd occasions when I did feel like sh1te, I hid that lot - no need to upset anyone else is there? I struggled more with the mental side.
After all these years and quite suddenly it dawned on me that if I was to get out of here, get out of my mind - without the use of mind bending drugs that is! :-) - I needed to let go of how I live now (well then) and to start to live my life through a more emotionally driven way rather than the theory plann, manage and direct way I have all my adult life. To me it is a terrifying place to go because it does mean I don't have that control, it is also liberating and exciting and makes me feel alive as well. It's only been three weeks and it's been anything but straightforward and it certainly hasn't been easy but I do have a couple of very close friends who are helping me through this transition. I'm so glad that they are there because I struggle with it but I'll not be beaten.
I'd say that my self esteem and self belief have improved, I feel good most of the time, I actually stand and walk tall when I'm out, I can feel that. I do get attacks of confidence and doubt but I am dealing with those. It feels like I'm struggling to shed off an old skin and emerge anew. It isn't all happening at once that's impossible but day by day I am getting more confident, have a much better can do attitude and slowly the procrastination that has dogged me for so very long is beginning to melt away.
Life's got good at last - life's also got frightening and big and time is going fast and slow and I feel great and worried :-) It's brilliant, it's all rather new, it's all rather scary and yet wonderful too. I've a long way to go to change my head and to climb out of the cr@p place I've been for so long. I've the opportunity to grasp it, I have good friends who are there to support me too.
The climb away from Depression is a long one but I've made a great start, my mind is now open to new possibilities and gradually I'm being pulled out of the prehensile strands that hold me back and of the shadows of my mind that aren't there to help but to wound me.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
What are the chances that there would be a programme on it
The BBC aired a programme tonight it was all about being pessimistic and optimistic but it went a bit deeper than that. Michael Mosley, who I have a lot of time for having seen some of his other programmes can't sleep well, has an over active mind, has a pessimistic view of the world and so on.
Bang, I related straight away to what he said and could see myself in just about every step he took. There's some interesting stuff in the programme and in the article in the link.
It's enough to say that he is taking a very similar journey to me - it's just I'm not using meditation and CBR to do it like he did. The good thing is that it can be achieved and I almost could shout out aloud when he mentioned the hippocampus region which I was certain took a complete pounding in the treatment and the sort of post traumatic stress part of getting over cancer.
See what you make of the article. For me it was interesting that they can change outcomes and you can train yourself to be more optimistic and positive. Just what I'm doing at the moment although not in the same way. At least I know it is now possible.
Bang, I related straight away to what he said and could see myself in just about every step he took. There's some interesting stuff in the programme and in the article in the link.
It's enough to say that he is taking a very similar journey to me - it's just I'm not using meditation and CBR to do it like he did. The good thing is that it can be achieved and I almost could shout out aloud when he mentioned the hippocampus region which I was certain took a complete pounding in the treatment and the sort of post traumatic stress part of getting over cancer.
See what you make of the article. For me it was interesting that they can change outcomes and you can train yourself to be more optimistic and positive. Just what I'm doing at the moment although not in the same way. At least I know it is now possible.
Progress
Small steps one foot in front of the other. I needed to get on and sort some things out. I managed to really get cracking and finished early this afternoon. It's been a gas and finally, finally, I've sort of freed myself away from these invisible hands which were dragging back downwards. Of course all isn't clear right now but I'm I'm getting there and not having the black moments that have interspersed the last few weeks.
It is nice to be free of these periods of doubt and as I think it may be grieving or mourning. I suggested that I never really did grieve or mourn for being ill or what it did for my life. Looking back I've never really recovered from bladder cancer. I'm not back to the place I was before I was ill. Interestingly I don't think I want to be either now, in retrospect. I now want something very different indeed.
I thought I wanted my old life back, it was pretty good, money was OK, life was OK, I had my work to keep me busy and out and about, I worked around Europe and the UK and we had a good enough life, I got my dream job and BAM Bladder Cancer exploded onto the scene and that was it, life got interesting.
I suggested that the only person who was truly affected and altered was me. No one else was and I wouldn't ever want them to be but the outcome is of course that when you've all travelled through the trauma and the treatment and the recovery you all arrive at the same place at very very different times and unfortunately the person who started the journey isn't the person who finished it. That person is me, I am nothing like that person. I'm sure my friends recognise me still but there is a very different person there now.
What it leaves is an awkward truth, physically I look the same (a bit thinner maybe), but mentally I'm scarred, damaged goods as I often tell people :-) I'm not the same as I was 7 years ago. I'm very very different and even more so recently. It's taken me a very long time to get out of where I was and to realise how I was trapped in my own mind and my own rhetoric. All along I've really known the answer and was even making reference to collateral damage early on in the saga. I have no idea how it will end but the thing is to let it happen now as it will and to stop suppressing my life in the meantime. I made a rod for my own back in some ways - now I'm going to please myself and start to live my life. After 6 or 7 years I've got some catching up to do no matter how frightening it is to me and no matter in some ways the damage that may happen as a consequence.
It is nice to be free of these periods of doubt and as I think it may be grieving or mourning. I suggested that I never really did grieve or mourn for being ill or what it did for my life. Looking back I've never really recovered from bladder cancer. I'm not back to the place I was before I was ill. Interestingly I don't think I want to be either now, in retrospect. I now want something very different indeed.
I thought I wanted my old life back, it was pretty good, money was OK, life was OK, I had my work to keep me busy and out and about, I worked around Europe and the UK and we had a good enough life, I got my dream job and BAM Bladder Cancer exploded onto the scene and that was it, life got interesting.
I suggested that the only person who was truly affected and altered was me. No one else was and I wouldn't ever want them to be but the outcome is of course that when you've all travelled through the trauma and the treatment and the recovery you all arrive at the same place at very very different times and unfortunately the person who started the journey isn't the person who finished it. That person is me, I am nothing like that person. I'm sure my friends recognise me still but there is a very different person there now.
What it leaves is an awkward truth, physically I look the same (a bit thinner maybe), but mentally I'm scarred, damaged goods as I often tell people :-) I'm not the same as I was 7 years ago. I'm very very different and even more so recently. It's taken me a very long time to get out of where I was and to realise how I was trapped in my own mind and my own rhetoric. All along I've really known the answer and was even making reference to collateral damage early on in the saga. I have no idea how it will end but the thing is to let it happen now as it will and to stop suppressing my life in the meantime. I made a rod for my own back in some ways - now I'm going to please myself and start to live my life. After 6 or 7 years I've got some catching up to do no matter how frightening it is to me and no matter in some ways the damage that may happen as a consequence.
Close Friends
They're a blessing aren't they. They don't care how paranoid you are they pick you up, dust you down and set you on your way again. Hopefully I do that for them too. I've been having a really difficult time of it recently because I don't actually know how to cope without all my defence mechanisms in place and all my fail safes. Where I go when I can't cope with the world or my situation or life is into myself, I retreat into my head and I used to be OK with that.
My head though is these days a not so good place to be as a few Monday's back will testify. It is full of conflict and that's because I don't really speak to anyone in depth about the innermost stuff that's gone on, even this blog doesn't go into the depths of the stuff that can fester inside my overactive head. Hence this whole change in me these past 3 weeks (yes that's all it is). It has been unbelievably releasing and inducing great freedom of thought but precious little action. I've explored letting my emotions loose and keeping my analytical self as far in the background as possible and its been brilliant and its been hell, ups and downs, highs and atrocious lows.
The problem has been an almost overload of things happening to me that have been suppressed most of my life, strong emotional things just normal stuff to many I suppose but to an INTJ this stuff is just way off beam - it doesn't even come into the normal day to day experiences. It's like standing on a breakwater during a storm, watching lightning and thunder flash and crash around you, the Aurora Borealis overhead, the reflection of a calm sea, the stars in the firmament and so many experiences all suddenly unleashed and thrown at me in a few weeks. It's almost as if I haven't lived all these years. I know that's not true but that is what it feels like.
I said many many times in this blog that I never really celebrated life and living and never really shouted about being clear or having survived. I questioned WHY had I been spared, what was the plan and what was I going to do with this great gift?
The very first thing is to start living and so it has proved, these past three weeks I have put in place all the steps to do that but - someone superglued my running shoes to the starting blocks. Most probably my head - it doesn't approve of being frivolous or having fun too much it doesn't understand that concept and it doesn't compute in the rational world built inside my brain. Stuff has to make sense. If it doesn't make sense it is discarded. It can never see that sometimes it is what if, why the hell not, for the crack, for the rush, for the danger, for the thrill, for the beat of your heart, for the spectacle, for the experience itself, for the emotion for the love of it.
Today finally dawned after a chat last night with a very close friend and things were different for two reasons. First another friend had sad news - he has upper GI Cancer he doesn't want to talk to anyone - so I've suggested he write emails to me and I've given him some words of mine. This is particularly sad to me this morning but it suddenly spurred me on to then think about my own situation a bit more. I had this chat last night and I realised that my friends are going to help me more than I thought they would. They are on my side and they want me to pull out of this long period of mourning for myself and get the hell out of those bad places and into somewhere new and wonderful. I said something wonderful is about to happen a few weeks back well it has or is happening now.
Today the gloom lifted a little and some of the mourning and grieving for the old me moved away. My friend has cancer - I know exactly what that is like, I know the agonies that he is going through, the utter mental anguish and the fear and terror for that is what goes on inside. Look at photos of me 6 years ago and you can see a drawn face, grey pallor and in my eyes you can see fear, terror and it is disturbing for me to go and look at those photos because I look sick. It would be unfair on my friend or all other sufferers to survive and not somehow deliver on a covenant we probably all made at one time "If I survive this I'm going to........." (just add in whatever it should be). Somehow I have an obligation to those who didn't survive to go and make more of my life and do something useful with it.
For me I thought that meant go build something, go help someone and I worked at the Charity, I worked on big social ideas and ended up here wondering what the hell do I need to do? I finally realised sometime ago that whilst it would be nice to have stuff and things, material things, money to go do great things or just to spend that in fact, there are very few material things that I have that I can't do without. I like a few things but the remainder no longer mean anything to me. If I take Maslow's hierarchy of needs and suddenly, whilst it is a somewhat simple explanation, it sums up where I am. If I can have these things then why should I want any others?
I'm not saying that I've suddenly made a huge step overnight but I've got over the grieving for changing my life albeit in a little way. Whilst it is great being an INTJ, an "intellectual" or a "Scientist" in terms of being alive, they don't come close. Achieving a higher intellectual plateau is an interesting thing to achieve but surely not at the cost of your life, your experiences, love, happiness and just enjoying life for the sake of it.
I've already made the choice and hadn't realised it was going to be so difficult for me. I'm blessed with some wonderful friends who I know are rooting for me to climb out of the huge rut I was in and emerge blinking into the light of the day. Today is a small small step in that process but finally I don't feel so full of dread as I have these past weeks. Today it feels right and I'm beginning to make some progress towards living my life once again.
My head though is these days a not so good place to be as a few Monday's back will testify. It is full of conflict and that's because I don't really speak to anyone in depth about the innermost stuff that's gone on, even this blog doesn't go into the depths of the stuff that can fester inside my overactive head. Hence this whole change in me these past 3 weeks (yes that's all it is). It has been unbelievably releasing and inducing great freedom of thought but precious little action. I've explored letting my emotions loose and keeping my analytical self as far in the background as possible and its been brilliant and its been hell, ups and downs, highs and atrocious lows.
The problem has been an almost overload of things happening to me that have been suppressed most of my life, strong emotional things just normal stuff to many I suppose but to an INTJ this stuff is just way off beam - it doesn't even come into the normal day to day experiences. It's like standing on a breakwater during a storm, watching lightning and thunder flash and crash around you, the Aurora Borealis overhead, the reflection of a calm sea, the stars in the firmament and so many experiences all suddenly unleashed and thrown at me in a few weeks. It's almost as if I haven't lived all these years. I know that's not true but that is what it feels like.
I said many many times in this blog that I never really celebrated life and living and never really shouted about being clear or having survived. I questioned WHY had I been spared, what was the plan and what was I going to do with this great gift?
The very first thing is to start living and so it has proved, these past three weeks I have put in place all the steps to do that but - someone superglued my running shoes to the starting blocks. Most probably my head - it doesn't approve of being frivolous or having fun too much it doesn't understand that concept and it doesn't compute in the rational world built inside my brain. Stuff has to make sense. If it doesn't make sense it is discarded. It can never see that sometimes it is what if, why the hell not, for the crack, for the rush, for the danger, for the thrill, for the beat of your heart, for the spectacle, for the experience itself, for the emotion for the love of it.
Today finally dawned after a chat last night with a very close friend and things were different for two reasons. First another friend had sad news - he has upper GI Cancer he doesn't want to talk to anyone - so I've suggested he write emails to me and I've given him some words of mine. This is particularly sad to me this morning but it suddenly spurred me on to then think about my own situation a bit more. I had this chat last night and I realised that my friends are going to help me more than I thought they would. They are on my side and they want me to pull out of this long period of mourning for myself and get the hell out of those bad places and into somewhere new and wonderful. I said something wonderful is about to happen a few weeks back well it has or is happening now.
Today the gloom lifted a little and some of the mourning and grieving for the old me moved away. My friend has cancer - I know exactly what that is like, I know the agonies that he is going through, the utter mental anguish and the fear and terror for that is what goes on inside. Look at photos of me 6 years ago and you can see a drawn face, grey pallor and in my eyes you can see fear, terror and it is disturbing for me to go and look at those photos because I look sick. It would be unfair on my friend or all other sufferers to survive and not somehow deliver on a covenant we probably all made at one time "If I survive this I'm going to........." (just add in whatever it should be). Somehow I have an obligation to those who didn't survive to go and make more of my life and do something useful with it.
For me I thought that meant go build something, go help someone and I worked at the Charity, I worked on big social ideas and ended up here wondering what the hell do I need to do? I finally realised sometime ago that whilst it would be nice to have stuff and things, material things, money to go do great things or just to spend that in fact, there are very few material things that I have that I can't do without. I like a few things but the remainder no longer mean anything to me. If I take Maslow's hierarchy of needs and suddenly, whilst it is a somewhat simple explanation, it sums up where I am. If I can have these things then why should I want any others?
I'm not saying that I've suddenly made a huge step overnight but I've got over the grieving for changing my life albeit in a little way. Whilst it is great being an INTJ, an "intellectual" or a "Scientist" in terms of being alive, they don't come close. Achieving a higher intellectual plateau is an interesting thing to achieve but surely not at the cost of your life, your experiences, love, happiness and just enjoying life for the sake of it.
I've already made the choice and hadn't realised it was going to be so difficult for me. I'm blessed with some wonderful friends who I know are rooting for me to climb out of the huge rut I was in and emerge blinking into the light of the day. Today is a small small step in that process but finally I don't feel so full of dread as I have these past weeks. Today it feels right and I'm beginning to make some progress towards living my life once again.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Thank you Mark Twain. Absolutely right - changing me has been a bloody nightmare and the biggest problem I've got now is I have no concentration and have to force myself to stop dreaming and just get on and so some work. Easier said than done as opposed to antidisestablishmentarianism which is of course easy to do than say :-)
Freeing up my whole personality has taken such hard work to do, I can't believe how difficult it is and of course it is difficult because it flies in the face of who and what I am. I have to say that I feel alive and feel a little better about myself - I'm working hard on beginning to like myself. All of that is the upside, feeling good, great in fact. But trying at the moment to sit down in this stifling hot oppressive humid heat is hard enough work as it is without my head not wanting to conform and do what I want it to do.
I suppose I've just got to plug away at this and just get myself into some sort of discipline to achieve the tasks I've set myself. I've probably been working so hard at being the new me that this lot can all go to hell in a handcart :-) But I need to do my tasks as well. Maybe tomorrow I can just get a good day at it. Such a hard thing to do though.
Maybe I should see if I can call a cease fire between my brain and my heart? That might work! :-)
Freeing up my whole personality has taken such hard work to do, I can't believe how difficult it is and of course it is difficult because it flies in the face of who and what I am. I have to say that I feel alive and feel a little better about myself - I'm working hard on beginning to like myself. All of that is the upside, feeling good, great in fact. But trying at the moment to sit down in this stifling hot oppressive humid heat is hard enough work as it is without my head not wanting to conform and do what I want it to do.
I suppose I've just got to plug away at this and just get myself into some sort of discipline to achieve the tasks I've set myself. I've probably been working so hard at being the new me that this lot can all go to hell in a handcart :-) But I need to do my tasks as well. Maybe tomorrow I can just get a good day at it. Such a hard thing to do though.
Maybe I should see if I can call a cease fire between my brain and my heart? That might work! :-)
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
How we laughed when we saw this in my days as a consultant. There were plenty of these types of jokes going around and yet, as in these things, there's a modicom of truth in them.
I was thinking the other day about the Low Carb, High Fat diet or maybe I should say lifestyle? It occurred to me that since the 1970s the world has seen a massive increase in obesity and diabetes and other diseases. Is it that we are living too long? Is it that we can detect these things better? Or is it that our diet is wrong? There's huge Bucks to me made selling heart tablets, Statins, Insulin kits and Insulin, tablets to help with Obesity and everything else but, in reality, if it was down to our diet and people knew that, they'd be yelling from the rooftops that this is the way to go, wouldn't they?
Add to this the cheapness of carbohydrates and their nature to be let's call it addictive shall we? And now you have two interested classes both vying to feed and cure the masses. Surely there can be no vested interest here?
All the above is written in my most cynical style because it is just so wrong. I was in the Post Office earlier today and looked over the shelves, there were the sweets (candy) all lined up - not one thing nutritious in any of it I reckon. On the grocery side there was bread, milk, cakes, processed foods like pies and the like. We can go and pick up stuff that we are told is healthy and then be surprised as the weight piles on relentlessly. It's so annoying to eat what we are told we should, for a "balanced" diet and find out that we still can't lose weight. In many ways, the vast majority of people are ignorant to the basic facts out there.
Stick to a low carbohydrate, high fat diet and things start to happen to your body. After the first week it gets easier. I've just gone into a slightly more high fat approach and already it is beginning to move my weight off after it having stalled ever so slightly. Mind you I had 3 cheat days last week! I'm planning on limiting cheat day to not have so much and also to just have the odd thing - like Strawberries or a beer (liquid bread). I don't miss carbohydrates at all neither do I miss the 3 1/2 stone that I've lost nor indeed the next 2 or 3 stone after that. Once you get back into some sort of shape, you find that you feel good, you look good, you are a lot fitter and you can begin, as is my case, to begin to rebuild some confidence and self esteem.
I was thinking the other day about the Low Carb, High Fat diet or maybe I should say lifestyle? It occurred to me that since the 1970s the world has seen a massive increase in obesity and diabetes and other diseases. Is it that we are living too long? Is it that we can detect these things better? Or is it that our diet is wrong? There's huge Bucks to me made selling heart tablets, Statins, Insulin kits and Insulin, tablets to help with Obesity and everything else but, in reality, if it was down to our diet and people knew that, they'd be yelling from the rooftops that this is the way to go, wouldn't they?
Add to this the cheapness of carbohydrates and their nature to be let's call it addictive shall we? And now you have two interested classes both vying to feed and cure the masses. Surely there can be no vested interest here?
All the above is written in my most cynical style because it is just so wrong. I was in the Post Office earlier today and looked over the shelves, there were the sweets (candy) all lined up - not one thing nutritious in any of it I reckon. On the grocery side there was bread, milk, cakes, processed foods like pies and the like. We can go and pick up stuff that we are told is healthy and then be surprised as the weight piles on relentlessly. It's so annoying to eat what we are told we should, for a "balanced" diet and find out that we still can't lose weight. In many ways, the vast majority of people are ignorant to the basic facts out there.
Stick to a low carbohydrate, high fat diet and things start to happen to your body. After the first week it gets easier. I've just gone into a slightly more high fat approach and already it is beginning to move my weight off after it having stalled ever so slightly. Mind you I had 3 cheat days last week! I'm planning on limiting cheat day to not have so much and also to just have the odd thing - like Strawberries or a beer (liquid bread). I don't miss carbohydrates at all neither do I miss the 3 1/2 stone that I've lost nor indeed the next 2 or 3 stone after that. Once you get back into some sort of shape, you find that you feel good, you look good, you are a lot fitter and you can begin, as is my case, to begin to rebuild some confidence and self esteem.
A Test that can Smell Bladder Cancer
This looks to be something useful for the future. Link Here.
"Bladder cancer can now be detected long before symptoms develop - after scientists created a device that can smell the disease.
Responding to chemicals in a patient’s urine, the sensor is able to give an accurate diagnosis within 30 minutes. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2358366/The-test-smell-bladder-cancer-long-symptoms-develop-100-accurate."
Let's hope this helps detect it, I'm so glad that mine was detected reasonably early.
"Bladder cancer can now be detected long before symptoms develop - after scientists created a device that can smell the disease.
Responding to chemicals in a patient’s urine, the sensor is able to give an accurate diagnosis within 30 minutes. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2358366/The-test-smell-bladder-cancer-long-symptoms-develop-100-accurate."
Let's hope this helps detect it, I'm so glad that mine was detected reasonably early.
Monday, July 08, 2013
It's Complicated
So the Facebook status says and it isn't wrong at all. It is complicated - my whole life is a mashup of things at the moment and whilst I am happy to be all messed up it really doesn't help me getting things done.
Life is going to get even more complicated I'm sure in the coming months and years. Well Vive Le DIfference is all I can say, bring it on and let's see where it takes me. Feel the roller coaster has already spun me around and is making me feel a little queasy inside but that's part of the fun of living I guess, needs to be some ups and downs and some danger...
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.
Life is going to get even more complicated I'm sure in the coming months and years. Well Vive Le DIfference is all I can say, bring it on and let's see where it takes me. Feel the roller coaster has already spun me around and is making me feel a little queasy inside but that's part of the fun of living I guess, needs to be some ups and downs and some danger...
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.
Diet Progress
I've entered a slightly new phase in my diet and it has made me strangely a little light headed. My blood pressure is nice and on target but it hasn't been this low all the time I've been taking readings. My blood glucose levels are also good - not as low as I'd like but low enough and I'm beginning to see some results and the weight is starting to fall away again which is good. The exercise I'm doing (not in this 30 degree heat though) is I think adding nicely to the mix. It isn't the main thing making me lose weight but I like to think it is helping me along.
Today, after yesterday's Wimbledon party here I haven't actually eaten anything since about 6 or 7 O'clock last night and it's coming up to lunchtime here. I don't actually feel hungry at all. My energy levels are good. One of the girls commented yesterday that she reckoned she could see that I'd lost loads of weight.
It's all good stuff and I'm really enjoying the diet but not so much this light headed bit - I need to make an appointment to see my GP and get my Blood Pressure reviewed. I doubt they would drop the medication this time but who knows in 6 months or a year perhaps we might be able to. It is a problem with the diet because it does bring down your BP and so medications like I'm on take it down too low after that.
I'm not sure if I should have a target weight still - people keep asking. I just reckon I'll keep dropping the weight off until I get somewhere steady. It says that I should be around 166 pounds or 11.8571 stone.
I think I was 11 1/2 stone when I was about 19 and about my fittest I'd be pleased if I could get near there. I'd need to lose around another 3 stone to get near. I think that is doable.
Today, after yesterday's Wimbledon party here I haven't actually eaten anything since about 6 or 7 O'clock last night and it's coming up to lunchtime here. I don't actually feel hungry at all. My energy levels are good. One of the girls commented yesterday that she reckoned she could see that I'd lost loads of weight.
It's all good stuff and I'm really enjoying the diet but not so much this light headed bit - I need to make an appointment to see my GP and get my Blood Pressure reviewed. I doubt they would drop the medication this time but who knows in 6 months or a year perhaps we might be able to. It is a problem with the diet because it does bring down your BP and so medications like I'm on take it down too low after that.
I'm not sure if I should have a target weight still - people keep asking. I just reckon I'll keep dropping the weight off until I get somewhere steady. It says that I should be around 166 pounds or 11.8571 stone.
I think I was 11 1/2 stone when I was about 19 and about my fittest I'd be pleased if I could get near there. I'd need to lose around another 3 stone to get near. I think that is doable.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
Communication
It can be a make or break thing and it's key to the work I've done over the years. I like to think that I'm a good communicator - it is my job after all said and done and yet, it's exactly this that I'm noticing now.
I can talk to only a very few people about my real inner most thoughts and what is going on with me. This blog gets edited highlights and sometimes the grizzly crappy reality that my life can sometimes be like.
In many ways - I see my future as being one of more open and constructive communication and the "new me" clearly needs it as it is hellishly difficult to maintain direction like this.
I've realised that it's a major past failing that communication hasn't always existed the way I'd like it to have.
I can talk to only a very few people about my real inner most thoughts and what is going on with me. This blog gets edited highlights and sometimes the grizzly crappy reality that my life can sometimes be like.
In many ways - I see my future as being one of more open and constructive communication and the "new me" clearly needs it as it is hellishly difficult to maintain direction like this.
I've realised that it's a major past failing that communication hasn't always existed the way I'd like it to have.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
Late Nights - Early Mornings
Doing a lot of that at the moment - up late, listening to music, working out where I'm going and just generally thinking stuff through and working things out in my head. I'm trying to be careful not to do the analysis stuff too much, I can't help myself you know, it's what I am.
So far I'm not feeling too many side effects from it, not even tired really although I could do with giving my brain a rest on occasions as I am overloading that still.
Today is a wonderful day - very hot and a tiny bit too humid but hey it's the UK and so we have to make do with what we get. Wimbledon weekend which will be good and Mrs. F. has decided to invite the holiday gang over for Wimbledon and for some food - most probably a BBQ which will be nice so I will have cheat day tomorrow mainly in terms of beer but if they happen to get some nice bread I may grab some with some Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar - sweet! Hope I'm not turning in to Peter Griffin :-) yea you'd like that wouldn't you? :-)
Am a lot better today, have managed to tackle my emotions early on and relax today - have been on edge for a few days and no real reason to be. Mind you I never ever want to have a day like Monday ever again. Think that shook me quite badly as I really wasn't expecting it - I was expecting something on Wednesday the anniversary of my dad's death but no Monday was when the Tsunami hit me.
So, moving on, as that is all you can do. Today is a really good day, for one I got paid some money on account for some work I'm doing. That's great and can finally start to re-build some sort of business life. Secondly I need a spark and a kick up the arse to get going. I'm just not moving things on as fast as I know I can do so I am going to make a concerted effort to do something about this next week. In many ways, I've been holding back and not letting myself move forwards. Things have changed and whilst life is a lot more complicated - that's actually what I want. What I can do though from here on in is concentrate on building my businesses up. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my businesses be so I just have to get started and take it a day at a time.
So far I'm not feeling too many side effects from it, not even tired really although I could do with giving my brain a rest on occasions as I am overloading that still.
Today is a wonderful day - very hot and a tiny bit too humid but hey it's the UK and so we have to make do with what we get. Wimbledon weekend which will be good and Mrs. F. has decided to invite the holiday gang over for Wimbledon and for some food - most probably a BBQ which will be nice so I will have cheat day tomorrow mainly in terms of beer but if they happen to get some nice bread I may grab some with some Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar - sweet! Hope I'm not turning in to Peter Griffin :-) yea you'd like that wouldn't you? :-)
Am a lot better today, have managed to tackle my emotions early on and relax today - have been on edge for a few days and no real reason to be. Mind you I never ever want to have a day like Monday ever again. Think that shook me quite badly as I really wasn't expecting it - I was expecting something on Wednesday the anniversary of my dad's death but no Monday was when the Tsunami hit me.
So, moving on, as that is all you can do. Today is a really good day, for one I got paid some money on account for some work I'm doing. That's great and can finally start to re-build some sort of business life. Secondly I need a spark and a kick up the arse to get going. I'm just not moving things on as fast as I know I can do so I am going to make a concerted effort to do something about this next week. In many ways, I've been holding back and not letting myself move forwards. Things have changed and whilst life is a lot more complicated - that's actually what I want. What I can do though from here on in is concentrate on building my businesses up. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my businesses be so I just have to get started and take it a day at a time.
Friday, July 05, 2013
Life's Ups and Downs
STOP this roller coaster I feel sick :-) Oh boy the light headed feeling I get these days as I continue to wean myself off being inward looking is utterly bizarre. At once it can be liberating and then as fast as you like, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I am way, way outside of my comfort zone.
My head just can't handle the signals and me stopping (or trying to) analyse them. I am up and down sometimes for just minutes. 10 minutes ago I felt quite sick and it was that I am trying to do some serious work and my head isn't focussing and working properly - it is taking me hours longer to do than I first envisaged. My typing skills have deserted me and there I am thinking this is a good thing to be doing to myself. You know what, it probably is for I'm beginning to feel alive and that's part of the target.
I feel good about myself, I am getting thinner and feel better, fit, healthy, alive and the best I've felt certainly since before I had Cancer. Emotionally though these recent days have wiped me out I've had the horrible, horrible lows of Monday to great highs as well but they flick from minute to minute even. For a control freak it's disturbing but not unexpected I suppose.
There are bittersweet moments when I can see that things are great and yet look back and think it would have been far easier to be sitting on my arse and reflecting :-) I'd still far rather being doing things that challenge me, slowly and a bit at a time that's what I'm doing. The key to eating an Elephant is that you can't do it all at once you have to eat a bit at a time, that way you can eat it all. I know this, it is after all what I've done for years but now I have to do it and virtually "Eat my own dog food" I find it so difficult even though I know it to be the thing to do.
I'm getting there - putting myself through the mangle every day and having huge highs and equally deep lows. Patience is a virtue. I like the one-liner "God, please give me patience, and give it to me NOW!" :-)
I'll just have to accept that I'm going to be messed up for a while yet and just try and work through it.
My head just can't handle the signals and me stopping (or trying to) analyse them. I am up and down sometimes for just minutes. 10 minutes ago I felt quite sick and it was that I am trying to do some serious work and my head isn't focussing and working properly - it is taking me hours longer to do than I first envisaged. My typing skills have deserted me and there I am thinking this is a good thing to be doing to myself. You know what, it probably is for I'm beginning to feel alive and that's part of the target.
I feel good about myself, I am getting thinner and feel better, fit, healthy, alive and the best I've felt certainly since before I had Cancer. Emotionally though these recent days have wiped me out I've had the horrible, horrible lows of Monday to great highs as well but they flick from minute to minute even. For a control freak it's disturbing but not unexpected I suppose.
There are bittersweet moments when I can see that things are great and yet look back and think it would have been far easier to be sitting on my arse and reflecting :-) I'd still far rather being doing things that challenge me, slowly and a bit at a time that's what I'm doing. The key to eating an Elephant is that you can't do it all at once you have to eat a bit at a time, that way you can eat it all. I know this, it is after all what I've done for years but now I have to do it and virtually "Eat my own dog food" I find it so difficult even though I know it to be the thing to do.
I'm getting there - putting myself through the mangle every day and having huge highs and equally deep lows. Patience is a virtue. I like the one-liner "God, please give me patience, and give it to me NOW!" :-)
I'll just have to accept that I'm going to be messed up for a while yet and just try and work through it.
Thursday, July 04, 2013
Emotions heightened and quite touchy too
I am still working hard to be less like me and to let my heart rule my head a bit. It's strange territory for me but I can see that life is going to continue to be interesting.
The strange thing is that my senses are heightened somewhat and I don't particularly like how I react to things at the moment. Emotional reactions aren't me at all. I normally prefer to consider what is going on and then think about it and then react. At the moment I find myself taken aback by strong emotional responses where perhaps before that would never have happened in fact I probably wouldn't have reacted at all.
A meeting I had earlier today looked like it would have to be postponed and whilst that's bound to happen I felt really disappointed and sad about it? WTF! That's just so not me.
I took Flocky Bicep's advice and got on my bike and cycled locally to a nice spot where there are some lakes and quite a few fishermen go there. I can get there through a bridle path way mainly and in 20 minutes I was there. I'm certainly not in great shape but did well and then tried to find my way back on another route but couldn't find it so doubled back and came back the way I'd ridden in the first place. Got quite a good sweat up and did some blood pressure readings and noticed that they were bang into the 120 and 80 mark so delighted about that. My blood pressure is much better and continues to go down. Not enough to come off the drugs I fear but getting there. I reckon if I can keep thee diet going and exercise then I may try to get off these drugs in a year or so. I feel occasionally faint and generally when I test do find I am low. I checked my blood glucose and that was once again in the low 5s so that too is fine.
Life's good at the moment. It isn't quite where I want it to be but it's only been 2 weeks since I changed things around and I still need to learn to be patient.
The strange thing is that my senses are heightened somewhat and I don't particularly like how I react to things at the moment. Emotional reactions aren't me at all. I normally prefer to consider what is going on and then think about it and then react. At the moment I find myself taken aback by strong emotional responses where perhaps before that would never have happened in fact I probably wouldn't have reacted at all.
A meeting I had earlier today looked like it would have to be postponed and whilst that's bound to happen I felt really disappointed and sad about it? WTF! That's just so not me.
I took Flocky Bicep's advice and got on my bike and cycled locally to a nice spot where there are some lakes and quite a few fishermen go there. I can get there through a bridle path way mainly and in 20 minutes I was there. I'm certainly not in great shape but did well and then tried to find my way back on another route but couldn't find it so doubled back and came back the way I'd ridden in the first place. Got quite a good sweat up and did some blood pressure readings and noticed that they were bang into the 120 and 80 mark so delighted about that. My blood pressure is much better and continues to go down. Not enough to come off the drugs I fear but getting there. I reckon if I can keep thee diet going and exercise then I may try to get off these drugs in a year or so. I feel occasionally faint and generally when I test do find I am low. I checked my blood glucose and that was once again in the low 5s so that too is fine.
Life's good at the moment. It isn't quite where I want it to be but it's only been 2 weeks since I changed things around and I still need to learn to be patient.
Whoa - What Living Is Like
I was on amazing form yesterday / last night. Realised too late that I was full of nervous energy getting released. Fitted into my old suit and shirt and felt on top of the world. The "new me" is a complete explosive ball of fun but very difficult for the old me to handle. Feel a little worried this morning about it all but that's just me being me.
I think perhaps a happy medium may be required - good old Flocky Bicep dropped me off home (that was nice of him). He's a good friend and helps me out a lot - have to say it I've leaned on him a lot these past few weeks and may well have to into the future.
I checked out the route (part of it) that I will go on my bike later. It looks as if I may be able to avoid cycling on the main road itself which is good. The bridle path looks good too so am hoping that I will be able to start getting some training in with that.
Use up some of this store of energy - suddenly - I look good, feel fit, my skin feels better, my waist is wasting away I've lost fat off my stomach, my sides, my thighs and it is beginning to go from my neck too. Really pleased that after 6 months I'm 3 3/4 stone lighter, 4" if not almost 6" off my waist, couple off my bum and thighs and a couple of inches off my neck too. I need to check out what weight you are meant to be for a guy close to 6 foot high and try and get there. At the moment though, if I can continue to eat like this and just have the odd cheat day I reckon I should be able to drop another stone or two by Christmas - that would be a nice goal.
But this energy thing is just amazing, new me, new life, new everything - really happy about that.
I think perhaps a happy medium may be required - good old Flocky Bicep dropped me off home (that was nice of him). He's a good friend and helps me out a lot - have to say it I've leaned on him a lot these past few weeks and may well have to into the future.
I checked out the route (part of it) that I will go on my bike later. It looks as if I may be able to avoid cycling on the main road itself which is good. The bridle path looks good too so am hoping that I will be able to start getting some training in with that.
Use up some of this store of energy - suddenly - I look good, feel fit, my skin feels better, my waist is wasting away I've lost fat off my stomach, my sides, my thighs and it is beginning to go from my neck too. Really pleased that after 6 months I'm 3 3/4 stone lighter, 4" if not almost 6" off my waist, couple off my bum and thighs and a couple of inches off my neck too. I need to check out what weight you are meant to be for a guy close to 6 foot high and try and get there. At the moment though, if I can continue to eat like this and just have the odd cheat day I reckon I should be able to drop another stone or two by Christmas - that would be a nice goal.
But this energy thing is just amazing, new me, new life, new everything - really happy about that.
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Oh Dear :-) This Will Be Fun
My great friend Flocky Bicep recommends cycling to help keep fit and I thought you know at least you get to see stuff on the bike :-) So I've dusted off my Mountain Bike - not that there is a oversupply of Mountains anywhere near here but some nice off road tracks within a few minutes ride. So I've pumped up the tyres and tightened the nuts (not mine the ones on the bike - what are you lot like??) :-)
Had a quick tour around the block and will get myself off to tour the local area. There are some quiet roads but more importantly there are huge tracts of fields and lanes nearby and some bridle paths so I shall make use of those and see how I get on. I think I will be a fair weather rider though and the main road up here is a bit lethal so I will make sure that I won't head out on that. This is going to be fun/different/painful * you can pick any two from three :-)
It will certainly make a change from my Cross Trainer which goes nowhere - so if I can achieve the same sort of distances I'll be happy. I do actually feel a lot healthier too I wasn't out of puff doing a local circuit so that's great too.
Tomorrow I plan to take one of the local bridle paths and see if I can get to a local park with some lakes and have a push around there, then get back here - it's about 45 minutes to walk so what's that 2 or 3 miles? That's doable as a first go.
Flocky has also suggested I dust off my Golf Clubs and that seems too like a good idea - I would get massively fit at Golf as I'd walk about 4 times further than most people going to fetch my ball :-)
Hey I'm having a great day today and I know it is the anniversary of my dad's death but you know - he wouldn't want me to be moping around the house or anything like that - good on yer dad :-)
As he often said to me - "you're a long time dead" and so you are. All the better reason to get out there and live a bit. Enough of the introvert inward thinking and get out there and make a splash - go on dare you! :-)
Had a quick tour around the block and will get myself off to tour the local area. There are some quiet roads but more importantly there are huge tracts of fields and lanes nearby and some bridle paths so I shall make use of those and see how I get on. I think I will be a fair weather rider though and the main road up here is a bit lethal so I will make sure that I won't head out on that. This is going to be fun/different/painful * you can pick any two from three :-)
It will certainly make a change from my Cross Trainer which goes nowhere - so if I can achieve the same sort of distances I'll be happy. I do actually feel a lot healthier too I wasn't out of puff doing a local circuit so that's great too.
Tomorrow I plan to take one of the local bridle paths and see if I can get to a local park with some lakes and have a push around there, then get back here - it's about 45 minutes to walk so what's that 2 or 3 miles? That's doable as a first go.
Flocky has also suggested I dust off my Golf Clubs and that seems too like a good idea - I would get massively fit at Golf as I'd walk about 4 times further than most people going to fetch my ball :-)
Hey I'm having a great day today and I know it is the anniversary of my dad's death but you know - he wouldn't want me to be moping around the house or anything like that - good on yer dad :-)
As he often said to me - "you're a long time dead" and so you are. All the better reason to get out there and live a bit. Enough of the introvert inward thinking and get out there and make a splash - go on dare you! :-)
Has it been just two weeks
It's been the longest and shortest two weeks of my life. I feel like time has shot by and yet it is only two weeks since I changed my attitude and have started to try and life my life differently and with the one day's exception it has been a great success so far. I find myself with good energy and having got past 2 weeks in, I find that I can now just try and throttle down and settle into "normal" if it ever can be normal again life.
Delighted that changes in my diet mean that I've started to lose weight again around 3 pounds in under a week and feel fit again also my blood pressures are now normal or below and constantly at that so that's good too. Blood glucose levels are 4s and 5s so that too is good.
Courage to continue and to be myself are what I need now, it's taken a long long time to get here and to decide that it is what I really wanted to do. All my life in fact and I am impatient to be getting on with the rest of my life but circumstances won't allow that yet. I have to be patient and I have to take things easy. But with time going so fast and yet slowly all at once I wonder how I'll manage to keep a lid on it all but then that's just the thing isn't it? I've moved away from being that person (as far as I possibly can) and should just let life come to me not plan and plot it out anymore.
Delighted that changes in my diet mean that I've started to lose weight again around 3 pounds in under a week and feel fit again also my blood pressures are now normal or below and constantly at that so that's good too. Blood glucose levels are 4s and 5s so that too is good.
Courage to continue and to be myself are what I need now, it's taken a long long time to get here and to decide that it is what I really wanted to do. All my life in fact and I am impatient to be getting on with the rest of my life but circumstances won't allow that yet. I have to be patient and I have to take things easy. But with time going so fast and yet slowly all at once I wonder how I'll manage to keep a lid on it all but then that's just the thing isn't it? I've moved away from being that person (as far as I possibly can) and should just let life come to me not plan and plot it out anymore.
Reflections on The Black Dog
Throughout his life SIr Winston Churchill suffered from clinical depression and he referred to it as his Black Dog and my friend and I early on after we had both been operated on used this phrase to cover the various visitations of depression that we got. In many respects we used this term when it got really bad.
If you don't get doubting voices and thoughts in your head you may think what I say is strange but I'd like you to imagine that I do hear voices, I hear my (what I guess is) my subconscious all the time and it is an incessant companion and it works away at lots of things. It does things like test jokes out whilst I am talking to people, it runs through scenarios and what if situations, it brings together loose strands and in everything it is there in the background running along very smoothly and is part of me. I hear it as I type because in many ways it is me speaking these words.
I don't think this is unusual at all by the way - I imagine that everyone, if they stop and think, has the voice or the spoken thought there. What happens when the Black Dog comes to visit is that a little dark cave at the back of your mind where all your innermost fears and hatreds, your foul mouth, your disgusting thoughts and your discriminations are exiled gets opened up. The Black Dog can appear in many ways.
It's easiest way is to sow little seeds of doubt in your mind that it nurtures and cultivates and grows, weeding out the ones that won't work and looking after those that will. Ideas are fertilised and brought to work against you. These may be fears in meeting people, in stressful situations and they work my trying to make you do something against your will. They eat away at you gnawing and getting under your skin, irritating and taunting you.
On Monday, I can only say that I was unprepared for the Black Dog's return. I know I have on and off days quite regularly it is bound to happen as I'm still repairing my mind and my body from what I now see was a more traumatic event than I realised. You rebuild on hope and a promise of better things and Black Dog takes away hope and replaces it with fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD).
It was only my friend who has his own traumatic event at the same time that I did who recognised this for what it was. That time of year - we both were diagnosed and operated on around the same time and so July holds dark memories for us - we ignore the signs at our peril.
My 'new life' or the new me is a work in progress. I feel I've made some big strides forward these past 2 weeks. The Black Dog can go to hell and whilst I don't think for one moment I won't get another visit for there are more challenges facing me in the next few years I will be ready and I've friends who I will pick the phone up and talk to. I often feel that this is a battle of me versus it (the rest of the world maybe) and yet it need not be like that. If I'd have thought for one moment about it I may have been able to put out a hand and have it held and my mind may have been able to have been defused in time rather than suffering the explosion it did.
If you don't get doubting voices and thoughts in your head you may think what I say is strange but I'd like you to imagine that I do hear voices, I hear my (what I guess is) my subconscious all the time and it is an incessant companion and it works away at lots of things. It does things like test jokes out whilst I am talking to people, it runs through scenarios and what if situations, it brings together loose strands and in everything it is there in the background running along very smoothly and is part of me. I hear it as I type because in many ways it is me speaking these words.
I don't think this is unusual at all by the way - I imagine that everyone, if they stop and think, has the voice or the spoken thought there. What happens when the Black Dog comes to visit is that a little dark cave at the back of your mind where all your innermost fears and hatreds, your foul mouth, your disgusting thoughts and your discriminations are exiled gets opened up. The Black Dog can appear in many ways.
It's easiest way is to sow little seeds of doubt in your mind that it nurtures and cultivates and grows, weeding out the ones that won't work and looking after those that will. Ideas are fertilised and brought to work against you. These may be fears in meeting people, in stressful situations and they work my trying to make you do something against your will. They eat away at you gnawing and getting under your skin, irritating and taunting you.
On Monday, I can only say that I was unprepared for the Black Dog's return. I know I have on and off days quite regularly it is bound to happen as I'm still repairing my mind and my body from what I now see was a more traumatic event than I realised. You rebuild on hope and a promise of better things and Black Dog takes away hope and replaces it with fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD).
It was only my friend who has his own traumatic event at the same time that I did who recognised this for what it was. That time of year - we both were diagnosed and operated on around the same time and so July holds dark memories for us - we ignore the signs at our peril.
My 'new life' or the new me is a work in progress. I feel I've made some big strides forward these past 2 weeks. The Black Dog can go to hell and whilst I don't think for one moment I won't get another visit for there are more challenges facing me in the next few years I will be ready and I've friends who I will pick the phone up and talk to. I often feel that this is a battle of me versus it (the rest of the world maybe) and yet it need not be like that. If I'd have thought for one moment about it I may have been able to put out a hand and have it held and my mind may have been able to have been defused in time rather than suffering the explosion it did.
Lock Stock
And Two Smoking Barrells makes me laugh every time and when Vinnie Jones says at the end of it all "It's been emotional" I can really get that. This week has been a complete drain. These past two weeks have possibly altered my life for ever or at least set a course of events in place that will alter my life for ever.
It's probably not too late to go and cry off but - nah - I'm not going to do that now. I've resolved to tackle this stuff head on from now on and just see where the roller coaster finally takes me.
Way back in 2006 I suggested that I had no idea where I'd end up on this Bladder Cancer Journey and that I probably didn't have much control over it either. Well that is true and here I am 7 years later and I'm nowhere near where I thought things would be.
It's the first anniversary of my father's death today. In many ways it doesn't upset me as much as you might imagine it should. He lived a long life and he looked after mum and my brother and me. We all die, that's the truth of it and he died and we celebrated his life and mourned his death but he would have hated for us to be sad about it - we all die right? He didn't want a memorial for people to go visit or talk to - he just wasn't that sort of man. He was more like me or I was more like him than either of us ever let on :-) That's our profile. Of course I miss him and have fond memories but I don't feel the need to build a shrine, display his photo, put flowers down somewhere. He would never have approved and I like to think it is his wishes I'm following.
For myself - I've had an early Birthday lunch and some cake and some beers and wine (I declared cheat day) and so I'm happy and mellow at the moment.
So glad I'm not where I was yesterday - how bad was that ? Haven't been that down for years and years.
It's probably not too late to go and cry off but - nah - I'm not going to do that now. I've resolved to tackle this stuff head on from now on and just see where the roller coaster finally takes me.
Way back in 2006 I suggested that I had no idea where I'd end up on this Bladder Cancer Journey and that I probably didn't have much control over it either. Well that is true and here I am 7 years later and I'm nowhere near where I thought things would be.
It's the first anniversary of my father's death today. In many ways it doesn't upset me as much as you might imagine it should. He lived a long life and he looked after mum and my brother and me. We all die, that's the truth of it and he died and we celebrated his life and mourned his death but he would have hated for us to be sad about it - we all die right? He didn't want a memorial for people to go visit or talk to - he just wasn't that sort of man. He was more like me or I was more like him than either of us ever let on :-) That's our profile. Of course I miss him and have fond memories but I don't feel the need to build a shrine, display his photo, put flowers down somewhere. He would never have approved and I like to think it is his wishes I'm following.
For myself - I've had an early Birthday lunch and some cake and some beers and wine (I declared cheat day) and so I'm happy and mellow at the moment.
So glad I'm not where I was yesterday - how bad was that ? Haven't been that down for years and years.
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