Up and about early

I'm going to get involved in the teleconferences today and then meet the CEO and talk turkey on the job and the opportunity.

I'm going to give myself the summer to get this done and if it isn't to be then I am going to set myself a new direction and follow that. The pressure is off and I really needed that. It isn't about the money, it is about what I want to do now and the money supports me whilst I come to that decision, plan and go down that route.

The strange thing about cancer is that it changes you in more ways than one and it does mean that you question things. The meeting I had yesterday was very much one of those meetings I'd rather never have for the rest of my life. Why it couldn't be done over the phone or to have been resolved by now, I don't know.

So - there we are - an interesting day ahead, a Bank Holiday weekend (with forecast rain - typical) and perhaps a new start next week or the week after that - who knows.

I must be pretty slow

It is taking an age to sink in still.

I was up in London today and at Kings Cross Station - it was fun to see over near to platform 10 there is a sign showing platform 9 3/4 with a trolley embedded into the wall - nice one Harry! That has nothing to do with this blog I just thought I'd stick that sort of comment randomly in here!

I have to say that Critical Illness Insurance is one of my better decisions. I don't make many of those so I'll claim that one.

I think I will sleep on this now and see what pops into my brain tomorrow

Pinch pinch pinch

No it won't go in that the prognosis is good, I have a job and the insurance has paid out.

The trouble with playing everything in a pessimistic way is that the delight (perhaps the wrong word) that I should feel I don't.

However the more I have thought about it, the more I am pleased that I can support my family now. I was really worried that maybe I couldn't do that 6 months ago.

I'm allowing myself a little

yippee

Serious

I don't think I realised how seriously ill I was until perhaps last September when my Consultant explained in more detail what I had, why I needed to go back into Hospital again and how near we were to having something even more serious on our hands - like radical surgery. Even then, for me, these things didn't sink in that much. Even now I am still prone to forget to be careful or dismiss it. I often get told that I shouldn't trivialise my condition but I perhaps deal with it in that way to keep my control on things.

I looked at bladder cancer as something like appendicitis, you have it, they whip it out and give you antibiotics, follow up a couple of times and discharge you. Of course it isn't like that at all. Bladder Cancer just comes back and can keep coming back and that is why it is so well followed up and why you go on a rigorous regime.

So today, I pulled out the details from my Insurance Policy:

Cancer - is described and the description given fits what I had to start with a malignant tumour

What has been bringing things home to roost for me are that the policy covers:

• Coronary Artery By-Pass Surgery
• Heart Attack
• Kidney Failure
• Major Organ Transplant
• Multiple Sclerosis
• Permanent total disability
• AIDS/HIV
• Alzheimer's before age of 65
• Angioplasty
• Aorta Graft Surgery
• Aplastic Anaemia
• Bacterial Meningitis
• Benign Brain Tumour
• Blindness
• Coma
• CJD
• Deafness (full)
• Heart Valve Replacement or Repair
• Liver Failure
• Loss of independent Existence
• Loss of Speech
• Motor Neurone Disease
• Paralysis. Paraplegia
• Parkinson's Disease before age 65
• Terminal Illness
• Third Degree Burns
• Permanent Total Disability (Can no longer work)

There are some conditions attached to those but good grief - I wouldn't like to have any of those and yet I am lumped together in the same category - yeeks. Perhaps now I'll respect what I have a bit more?

Good things tend to happen to me in May

But only in May - the new job last year and this, the news on my cancer free condition and this morning, and I am still staggering around on this one. The Insurance phoned and they will pay out.

I don't know what I feel but the predominant feeling has to be one of relief. It has taken 7 1/2 months to get this far and I suppose that now we are finally going to get that paid out I can relax even more and concentrate fully on my new job, getting fit and staying well.

I am glad now that I took out this insurance - but then hindsight always has been one of my strongest character traits :-)

PHEW!

The Job

Well it looks like I will take the slightly riskier job. Nothing ventured and all that. I've seen the people, I've partly seen the service, the numbers look good and if it takes off it will be great. If it doesn't, well at least I will have given it my best shot!

They seem cool about the fact that I am not going to be able to do too much with the treatments but I can still work online and use a phone except for Monday afternoons and evenings when frankly I won't want to do too much except lying around.

So - on Friday the CEO is coming here on his way through and we will talk turkey. Early in June I'll be off and about on a training session and the launch party is in mid June.

Oh dear oh dear

I have just been out with a friend and I feel absolutely dreadful - I managed to squeeze down a fruit juice followed by a beer but when I had the second beer I thought that I might see it again :-( SO I quit and came home - I think I will now go and have a lie down.

I know - you have no sympathy for me whatsoever and I should know better but exceptional circumstances!

Right where is the hangover pack.....

Slow Old Day

Oh dear - well I haven't done that sort of drinking for a while and I ought not to do that for some time again either :-)

I have a feeling today is going to go very slowly for me. I also do not expect to get a lot done

Ouch

Only myself to blame. Good friends or not - too much drink gives you a headache no matter what you do.

It also makes you sentimental and write drivel. Must make a note not to drink as much next time.

As with all notes offering this sort of advice - they mysteriously disappear when you need them! Along with socks, IOUs and other important material - these things must inherit a life of their own. You never do find them.

OUCH

I have no sympathy for myself - who would have thought celebrating my improved condition would give me such a headache :-)

The previous blog

That is how a blog should be - totally spontaneous and not worrying about grammar and syntax!



I am just amazed that I survived and so thankful for the support I have received from my friends.



Cancer beats your friends up more than you would believe. I don't like the idea that I've hurt other people though :-(

A Tribute to my school friends

Tonight I went out with my old school buddies.

We have known each other since we were 10 years old!

Tonight we celebrated - my recovery and our friendship.

How I value that friendship - how I value the spark to write this blog.

How I now value each magic moment and how my life has a new focus.

What value can you put on those who will tell you that you are being an "arse" speaking out of the same place or just missing the whole point?

Thank God for all my friends - how have they helped me through this?

Friends - YES - friends - they will help you through the path you have to travel. Tell them to tell you exactly what they see and exactly what you should do. You don't have to agree with them too :-)

Believe me - your friends will be there for you. You are also forgiven if you are not there for them - whilst they are there for you?

What am I worried about

I am a bit of a big head sometimes and I am the worst (as this blog proves) of being MR POSITIVE! Yet today, I went to this meeting and frankly no one else was in my league - I wiped the floor with most of them.

It is to do with my personality type and also my "inner" self belief but this stuff was so easy today and it must be my experience when compared against the others which makes me ask the right questions.

Anyway - it went really well today - should I take a chance? Well, after having survived this last ten months what do you think?


What have I got to lose?

Slight doubts

About my fitness and stamina to get back to work and do what may be needed on this particular opportunity. There is a lot of organising (no problems that is what I do) but also a fair amount of travelling about too. The 4 meetings a day culture are fine but the area to be covered is massive and on some of the most congested roads on the planet.

The first 3 months are the hardest in terms of throughput and workload, the next three months in terms of being on the road, after 6 months things look a little easier.

Whilst I am far fitter than I was ten months ago, I'm not certain that I have had to sustain the sort of effort I will need in this job.

Interesting day to come

I'll be off to London to work through this job opportunity or perhaps it would be better phrased as a business opportunity really.

The business case and the technology all appear to be in order, there are a few anomalies in the basic costing model to be reviewed and some questions about the company structuring that need to be ironed out but in general terms this thing could fly. It will be my luck that it is about to fly when I'm having my treatment.

Mind you, I'm no longer that worried about that sort of thing as frankly not a lot matters these days or perhaps things have a different level of importance and a different value structure.

Two weeks today

And the BCG starts again. It isn't so bad this time - I know what to expect and I know how to deal with the side effects and this time we are starting with a downgraded staging. Knowing what it did to the CIS, it should really work to keep it away this time.

At least I'll be clear of the treatments before my birthday party - not unfortunately on my birthday but there you go. I'll then have the summer off to at last get some holiday time in.

I'm still concerned that this job - the risky one - will really need full time attention for the first three months and I may not be able to give it that - 6 weeks at three days a week and needing some holidays too. I'll be seeing them tomorrow and will see what comes of that meeting.

Not enough hours in the day

There certainly aren't enough hours left in the day this coming week now. I have just updated my calendar and apart from Monday - every day looks like I am out. I have some work for Thursday which will lead to a few more days worth I'm sure. I have another meeting in London on Tuesday, I'm out Tuesday night and Wednesday lunch time and it also looks like I'm out Friday night too!

I've called off a few things that I need to do and yet this week is now busy as you like. I've also got a major piece of work I should have finished but haven't had a clear run at that I must fit in somehow. I need to plan that later today.

And - yes it is late, It is 1 in the morning and somehow I have got to get to sleep. I have even started drinking decaf coffee so that I can but for some reason - I'm still awake and firing on most cylinders!

I'm hoping that this week sees the end of some outstanding issues and that I can draw a line under that as well. If that is the case then I can move on with my mind focusing on what it needs to do and not to be worried about any outstanding issues. By later this week that will either have resolved itself or will have thrown up some other problems. The insurance claim is I believe borderline and so that is the problem. It is one of those things you don't even want to think about and another thing that is on your mind and given that it has taken since October to get to this point you can probably see the concerns. I think that the forms sat in the "system" for much of that time and I've said it before, that had my family been facing some sort of crisis or had I been terminally ill then it would be difficult to explain why it had taken 7 months to process the paperwork. As it is, I don't think the Insurance Company could have done much more and I wasn't in a mind to push them.

Anyway - this week will mark that milestone.

Sunday - a lazy day

Well after being out 6 days on the trot it needed to be a lazy day. There was some motor sport on in the afternoon so I sat and watched that.

It is pretty late now though I got sucked into watching an interesting documentary about Jimi Hendrix. It was particularly interesting and had some clips I hadn't seen before.

I thought about the blog yesterday about the guilt feelings and, then thought that 4 of us - that is friends and people I know got cancer last year and all 4 of us got through it. The other 3 don't have it anymore and I don't but of course need to keep up the treatment to ensure that it stays that way.

I am getting a little concerned about these jobs opportunities. I have two and possibly three in the pipeline and each has a different merit to them and each would provide me with a different challenge. Not one of them is the same! So trying to compare one against the other is almost impossible.

One is a big gamble, another quite a safe option although a lot of travel is involved and the other one is a bit more corporate.

I go and see about one of them on Tuesday, I spoke to the guy yesterday about the other one and I have a "holding pattern" e-mail about the third - decision this week or next week.

I wonder quite what I will decide. My heart tells me that the gamble would be the one to go for but I'm not sure I am fit enough to do it. The second job is right up my street and I know my way around the territory and the products etc. It could well be the right choice. Trouble is it starts in July and goes for 6 weeks. First job is five years at least but need to prove your worth in three months or you are out. The third one is full time 6 months or more.

I'm no gambler yet something says go for it. Interesting.

Two more meetings left

Lodge meetings that is, one in June and one in July and then we can have a break until September or October. It is all great fun but towards the end of the season and this last week in particular it was getting a bit much as you tend to have a diary full of meetings, preparing for meetings, rehearsals and visiting.

The guilt of survival

OK - I know I am going to get beaten up about this but can you believe that I now have a guilt feeling about being in the position I am in? I know, how ridiculous after all the whinging I went on about wanting to be there for my family. I got my life back on Tuesday! In the US, a correspondent of mine got the opposite. I feel quite wretched about that until I look at my children's faces and gaze out at my world again. So why even so do I feel like this?

I think that it is because I have met with people who have more advanced problems than I do (mainly online) that I feel this way. Why? Well my diagnosis has made my potential outcome a lot better than theirs. I'm in all probability going to make it, some of the people I have met haven't and will not. I cannot understand why I should be singled out to survive and they didn't - I KNOW - It is a stupid way to think about it. I can't help feeling that - and it is a strange thing - that I shouldn't have survived really. I imagine it is the same with the survivors of a ship wreck or plane crash - how did I survive and how did I come through this and everyone either side of me didn't.

I just feel sad that some of the suffers, diagnosed when I was, haven't made it or probably wont make it. Stupid as it may seem - you now look at your own survival as cheating everyone else. You get a kindred bond with those fellow sufferers you meet online but - and I've said this before - generally those you meet online are more seriously affected and need to share their problems.

I do look on myself as very fortunate and I'll be doing everything possible to keep this well and this healthy. I owe it to myself, my family both here and wider and to my friends who have proved their worth many times over. I have friends who are outspoken (cringingly so) and some who don't express themselves well and some who we just nod and we know what we mean.

It isn't the "Stockholm Syndrome" but there must be a technical term for this - I cheated this but I'm sorry because not everyone else did!

Getting ready to go out again

Since last Monday I have been out every evening. Tonight is the last night and so tomorrow I can get some rest. I'm back out again next Tuesday and it looks like Thursday as well. Just to make my life easier this afternoon, a number of people have pulled out and so it should be fun to find officers to do the jobs especially as one is the Master of the Lodge and now can't make it!

I've got some more decisions to make next week about career direction. I have a potential job I could start straight away and another that I could start in July - both are very interesting and I could fit both around my treatment. I'm not sure about holidays though. we all need a break and I'd rather we all go away than I get a job that would keep me extremely busy over the summer. In one way I need the challenge of the job but in another way, making sure that it is the right time is probably more important. It should be fun next week "doing the right thing"