One of the things I have always wanted to do is to go to an American Football Game. I missed it last year (or was it the year before) when it was on over here. This year we have the Patriots Vs the Buccaneers (Tampa) at Wembley on Sunday. When did that happen? Oh well, at least we will get some TV and Internet coverage I suppose but I've seen nothing about this until today.
What a nuisance.
I suppose I had better get back to the grind ready for tomorrow. It was nice to get a few beers with Flocky at lunch time and a Ploughman's lunch (I imagine the Ploughman wasn't too happy about that though). Interesting talk about how the mind continues to beat me up even though I'm pulling clear of the disease.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Another day off tomorrow
I need it as I have to get ready for the Lodge meeting on Saturday and I also need a break. I'm not really enjoying work at the moment, just a blip I am certain but there is little to do at the moment and it is all slightly anticlimactic after the forum.
I forget that "people" don't move at the same speed I do....
I must remember to update my diary as I have a crazy few weeks coming up and already my time for the next 6 to 8 weeks appears almost to have evaporated.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Gotta Laugh
My Uncle sent me some funnies, this one sort of hit the mark - but I do have a dark sense of humour
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
This can go with "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee Shirt :-)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
This can go with "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee Shirt :-)
Feeling a little bit down
As you do whenever you say goodbye to a cancer warrior you know. He told me some time ago that he had esophagus cancer and was doing well but unfortunately the surgery and treatment didn't work and so it has been a long battle and finally he died on Tuesday night. He was just 72, younger than my dad by a long way and it somehow doesn't seem fair but then life isn't exactly fair.
I'm feeling a bit down about it because I knew him and because on occasions like this you tend to think about your own mortality. He was diagnosed sometime after me and he was really confident about things too. It kind of gets to you more and you get the twinge of survivor syndrome and to be honest with you you say to yourself "thank God it wasn't me" and those sort of things and it seems pretty selfish really but that is the way it is.
I enjoyed my day off work though and spent some of the time in very good company and we had a few beers and a spot of lunch which was also most welcome. Tomorrow I really don't fancy going in to work but perhaps I will take Friday off and get myself ready for my big Lodge meeting on Saturday.
The Blog is three years old on Monday and I will be off out so may not even get to post on its Anniversary. What I am amazed about is how I've actually managed to continue doing the things that I have when sometimes all I have wanted to do was to lock myself in a room and feel sorry for myself. I'm glad I have kept active but as I keep banging on, I do find I get very tired quickly.
I'm feeling a bit down about it because I knew him and because on occasions like this you tend to think about your own mortality. He was diagnosed sometime after me and he was really confident about things too. It kind of gets to you more and you get the twinge of survivor syndrome and to be honest with you you say to yourself "thank God it wasn't me" and those sort of things and it seems pretty selfish really but that is the way it is.
I enjoyed my day off work though and spent some of the time in very good company and we had a few beers and a spot of lunch which was also most welcome. Tomorrow I really don't fancy going in to work but perhaps I will take Friday off and get myself ready for my big Lodge meeting on Saturday.
The Blog is three years old on Monday and I will be off out so may not even get to post on its Anniversary. What I am amazed about is how I've actually managed to continue doing the things that I have when sometimes all I have wanted to do was to lock myself in a room and feel sorry for myself. I'm glad I have kept active but as I keep banging on, I do find I get very tired quickly.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Injustice
That was what I was furious about on Monday. I just re-read my post - I was pretty angry writing that but I can see why. All the injustices in this world and all the hurt caused through selfish behaviour - will we get to account for it at the end of our lives? Will there be a Judgement Day where we will have to account for our conduct during our time on earth?
I can't say that I've been a perfect specimen of the species but I have always tried to be honest and true to my beliefs. I wonder what these annoying, cheating, thieving, lying toerags will have to say for themselves, perhaps they will continue to deny that they had ever done anything wrong.
BTW - I'm not that good - I doubt that Mother Teresa will have to move off the bench for someone like me :-)
I can't say that I've been a perfect specimen of the species but I have always tried to be honest and true to my beliefs. I wonder what these annoying, cheating, thieving, lying toerags will have to say for themselves, perhaps they will continue to deny that they had ever done anything wrong.
BTW - I'm not that good - I doubt that Mother Teresa will have to move off the bench for someone like me :-)
A Day Off Tomorrow
I have a good few days leave to be taken before the end of the year. I have decided tomorrow is as good a day as any to take off and frankly, I need the rest. I managed to once again fall asleep for a couple of hours tonight at home. It is hard work being tired :-)
Work is beginning to get irritating and so many things these days appear to me to be bland and irrelevant. I find most things these days just trivial and inconsequential and if there is a positive side to having had cancer it is that most other things that may have been "important" really aren't when you boil them down. I tolerate most people, I get on with them and yet I'd really love to ask them why on earth they are miserable and sad and whinging when there is a lot to be thankful for just being alive.
It seems to me that you should enjoy the experience and the sensations and yet so many people don't. There was an interesting programme on TV tonight http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8314093.stm all about what makes me, 'me'? There were a few bits that threw me but it was an interesting look into consciousness and I wondered whether having had a critical illness that you become more reflective and more aware and indeed more questioning about yourself, your faith and your confidence and a host of other such things.
I suppose that I might be a bit different to a lot of people anyway in that I do a lot of reflecting and thinking and I don't just get on with things or let things happen. I wonder if I have become a "better person" if there can be such a thing? I feel that I probably have and that maybe only those near enough to me will have seen the change. I know Mrs. F. thinks I've changed. I can't say that it has done me many favours though in some areas and some relationships have fallen apart and some have blossomed and my temperament is so much better. I probably get angry these days but mainly with fools and people who should know better, jobsworths especially hack me off but overall, I am a gentler and more sympathetic person I like to think.
And as Samuel Pepys would say - and so to bed. Tomorrow I hope to catch up on some more paperwork and see if I can get some of this desk tidied up.
Work is beginning to get irritating and so many things these days appear to me to be bland and irrelevant. I find most things these days just trivial and inconsequential and if there is a positive side to having had cancer it is that most other things that may have been "important" really aren't when you boil them down. I tolerate most people, I get on with them and yet I'd really love to ask them why on earth they are miserable and sad and whinging when there is a lot to be thankful for just being alive.
It seems to me that you should enjoy the experience and the sensations and yet so many people don't. There was an interesting programme on TV tonight http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8314093.stm all about what makes me, 'me'? There were a few bits that threw me but it was an interesting look into consciousness and I wondered whether having had a critical illness that you become more reflective and more aware and indeed more questioning about yourself, your faith and your confidence and a host of other such things.
I suppose that I might be a bit different to a lot of people anyway in that I do a lot of reflecting and thinking and I don't just get on with things or let things happen. I wonder if I have become a "better person" if there can be such a thing? I feel that I probably have and that maybe only those near enough to me will have seen the change. I know Mrs. F. thinks I've changed. I can't say that it has done me many favours though in some areas and some relationships have fallen apart and some have blossomed and my temperament is so much better. I probably get angry these days but mainly with fools and people who should know better, jobsworths especially hack me off but overall, I am a gentler and more sympathetic person I like to think.
And as Samuel Pepys would say - and so to bed. Tomorrow I hope to catch up on some more paperwork and see if I can get some of this desk tidied up.
One of "those" Days
A letter from a dying friend's wife was disturbing in its open and honest acknowledgement of the fact of the matter situation. Another friend facing the decision of what to do with the rest of his life now his past may finally be able to be put behind him. Another seeing his child about to take up the challenge that my youngest has just completed. Another with Bladder Cancer finding out what the future holds.
Another Monday and people's lives everywhere playing out in the way that they do. Where I work in a charity I am always amazed at how those who have money ask to be assisted and those who don't and could do with our help are too proud to ask. Funny old world and a disturbing fact of life. Those who know how to play the system can get an awful lot out of it. Those who desperately need assistance cannot get to it through denial in some cases and inability to articulate their need.
Life is bloody unfair sometimes and it can make you quite angry. I''m really annoyed that one of my colleagues has an angry letter from someone that is bang out of order. It is rude, callously composed, personal and untrue. What can we do about it? Not a lot - the author believes he has a case to go to law and that will be fun indeed. They wont let me go around with a small baseball bat and explain the facts of life to him. He actually stole money from us and when we found out and stopped it, is making my people's lives intolerable through his dishonesty.
Selfishness like that makes my blood boil and no matter what problems he may have - and I think you can probably guess what they are - you don't need to bite the hand that fed you when in fact you are clearly in the wrong and got caught out. I thought it even more amusing that the guy played the Big C card. Well let me come and talk to you about the Big C matey and let's compare notes about it - I'm sure you can tell me why it makes it alright when you have the Big C to go around slagging everyone off and making fraudulent claims! So, when I calm down :-) it might be worth saying that no one took my offer up for me to go and see him or to even chat to him. A shame in my view I really want to face out one of these cowardly ignorant people and just give them a complete broadside. it will do no good as they are generally so ignorant it takes them a couple of years afterwards for them to realise that you've insulted them.
To add to my bad day my Chairman has also managed to p*ss me right off with some transactional analysis nonsense he wants to play through my committee. I'm not having any of it.
So finally I boil down to the worry and that is I am getting too like my old self. I've been here over 18 months now and I'm getting back to my cut loose ways that I used to have in my old job. I really don't do fools, jobsworths and the like and I am surrounded with incompetents, amoeba and other soap dodging, Politically Correct liberal wet good for nothings that in a short period of time I will explode and explain just what a waste of O2 these people are and how Darwin missed out a whole sub species that will never evolve but will continue to maintain their leech like qualities forever.
Other than that - it hasn't been such a bad day.
Another Monday and people's lives everywhere playing out in the way that they do. Where I work in a charity I am always amazed at how those who have money ask to be assisted and those who don't and could do with our help are too proud to ask. Funny old world and a disturbing fact of life. Those who know how to play the system can get an awful lot out of it. Those who desperately need assistance cannot get to it through denial in some cases and inability to articulate their need.
Life is bloody unfair sometimes and it can make you quite angry. I''m really annoyed that one of my colleagues has an angry letter from someone that is bang out of order. It is rude, callously composed, personal and untrue. What can we do about it? Not a lot - the author believes he has a case to go to law and that will be fun indeed. They wont let me go around with a small baseball bat and explain the facts of life to him. He actually stole money from us and when we found out and stopped it, is making my people's lives intolerable through his dishonesty.
Selfishness like that makes my blood boil and no matter what problems he may have - and I think you can probably guess what they are - you don't need to bite the hand that fed you when in fact you are clearly in the wrong and got caught out. I thought it even more amusing that the guy played the Big C card. Well let me come and talk to you about the Big C matey and let's compare notes about it - I'm sure you can tell me why it makes it alright when you have the Big C to go around slagging everyone off and making fraudulent claims! So, when I calm down :-) it might be worth saying that no one took my offer up for me to go and see him or to even chat to him. A shame in my view I really want to face out one of these cowardly ignorant people and just give them a complete broadside. it will do no good as they are generally so ignorant it takes them a couple of years afterwards for them to realise that you've insulted them.
To add to my bad day my Chairman has also managed to p*ss me right off with some transactional analysis nonsense he wants to play through my committee. I'm not having any of it.
So finally I boil down to the worry and that is I am getting too like my old self. I've been here over 18 months now and I'm getting back to my cut loose ways that I used to have in my old job. I really don't do fools, jobsworths and the like and I am surrounded with incompetents, amoeba and other soap dodging, Politically Correct liberal wet good for nothings that in a short period of time I will explode and explain just what a waste of O2 these people are and how Darwin missed out a whole sub species that will never evolve but will continue to maintain their leech like qualities forever.
Other than that - it hasn't been such a bad day.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I Keep Banging on about being tired
But it is a complete constant and rules my day-to-day life. Yesterday I slept in a bit and in the afternoon came downstairs and sat down and promptly fell asleep for a further 2 hours! Last week was quite full on for me. I was mentally and physically spent by Friday. I can lay some of this at getting old but even so I'm only 52 for goodness sake. It has to be the after effects of the treatments I've had for cancer and the work my body has had to do with repairing itself.
I am however now beginning to enjoy being cancer free and enjoying the feeling of a healthy - yet tired - body.
I am hoping to get some time off work soon and need to check how many days I have. A holiday would be nice if I can squeeze one in.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Zombie Day
I was definitely Mr. Zombie today - I was asleep on the train there then cleaned up the room and everything else at work and sorted out loads of things. By the late afternoon I was really struggling to keep awake. The train journey home went in a flash as I was asleep for most of it and then I got home, had a bit of tea and when everyone went out must have had 2 hours sleep in my chair. I'm off to bed in a minute to get a good sleep.
I have done so much work this week - I am looking forward now to a reasonably quiet time so that I can recover.
I have done so much work this week - I am looking forward now to a reasonably quiet time so that I can recover.
Wipe Out
Oh my - what a day - absolutely knackered and just settled in gone midnight after 2 days of intensive work. I don't mind the work it's the re-work I hate. I got to my second meeting as it was wrapping up but in enough time to square away some of the "head 'em off at the pass" questions.
I am absolutely shattered and need to get to bed and then go to work somewhat dressed down to go and clean the place up! It appears to have all gone down well. Let's hope so.
I am absolutely shattered and need to get to bed and then go to work somewhat dressed down to go and clean the place up! It appears to have all gone down well. Let's hope so.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Like a hole in the head
I needed today's news like a hole in the head. I kind of knew it was coming but my friend dropped me a line and asked whether I could book a room and as it happens I managed to do it but today was the second busiest day of the year for me and tomorrow - when the meeting is needed is going to be hellish.
Now - everyone knew that it wasn't a good day, that I couldn't make the meeting without a LOT of difficulty but they went a head anyway and they realised that as I was running this huge event that none of the usual rooms would be available - as I am using 4 rooms for the event.
Given that they've had 6 (yes six) weeks to organise this it doesn't bode well for this team binding together to get things done on time which is what the meeting is about really. I hope I get there in a half decent frame of mind!
Whew - what a day - setting up the conference and syndicate rooms the food, the exhibition areas and my "bosses" changing the slides at the last minute after I've printed out the handouts and after the delegates have gotten their packs.
So - tomorrow - the big day - I've got the best punchlines but I haven't got the key note speech this year :-( just some statistics and figures which I hope will be just what is needed. Other than that my job is to "drive" the IT all day long.
Now - everyone knew that it wasn't a good day, that I couldn't make the meeting without a LOT of difficulty but they went a head anyway and they realised that as I was running this huge event that none of the usual rooms would be available - as I am using 4 rooms for the event.
Given that they've had 6 (yes six) weeks to organise this it doesn't bode well for this team binding together to get things done on time which is what the meeting is about really. I hope I get there in a half decent frame of mind!
Whew - what a day - setting up the conference and syndicate rooms the food, the exhibition areas and my "bosses" changing the slides at the last minute after I've printed out the handouts and after the delegates have gotten their packs.
So - tomorrow - the big day - I've got the best punchlines but I haven't got the key note speech this year :-( just some statistics and figures which I hope will be just what is needed. Other than that my job is to "drive" the IT all day long.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Luxuriate in my wording
My Consultant has a duty to write to my GP (General Practitioner - my local Doctor).
Nice words:
"I saw Mr. Ferdinando in the clinic today. I am happy to say his recent bladder biopsies showed no evidence of malignancy or carcinoma in situ. He remains well and had no problems post operatively. We will continue to monitor his bladder and I will arrange to see him in six months for a general anaesthetic cystoscopy and biopsy with urine cytology beforehand. Yours sincerely etc"
I am reminded of the words in the film Blazing Saddles where Taggart says to Hedley Lamarr after a particularly interesting soliloquy where he said "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." Taggart then says "God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore. "
I have no idea why that drifted into my mind at all but there you go randomness is as randomness does.
Nice words:
"I saw Mr. Ferdinando in the clinic today. I am happy to say his recent bladder biopsies showed no evidence of malignancy or carcinoma in situ. He remains well and had no problems post operatively. We will continue to monitor his bladder and I will arrange to see him in six months for a general anaesthetic cystoscopy and biopsy with urine cytology beforehand. Yours sincerely etc"
I am reminded of the words in the film Blazing Saddles where Taggart says to Hedley Lamarr after a particularly interesting soliloquy where he said "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." Taggart then says "God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore. "
I have no idea why that drifted into my mind at all but there you go randomness is as randomness does.
Monday, October 12, 2009
You did what? You used your own initiative!!!
What do people think about when they disobey perfectly good instructions and go off and do something completely different to what you asked them to do?
I was asked to make a reporting framework so that everyone reported the same and I could do some analysis. In fact most of the people who asked me were those sending data in. I spent a long time doing that, designing the input forms, preparing the presentation slides and ensuring that there was a level playing field for all. Not only did these guys get the stuff in late they completely changed the way the figures are reported and totally screwed the data set!
Thanks guys - no - don't worry it only means hours more work for me to put it right - no go on - sit on your arses whilst I do it for you.
I'm less than amused with just a few days left to go and all the other spanners thrown in the works, the last minute minor changes that will mean there is bound to be a cock up on Thursday. 11 months I've been working on this and three days before the day they want to change their bloody minds! It surely can't be me can it?
Rant over!
I was asked to make a reporting framework so that everyone reported the same and I could do some analysis. In fact most of the people who asked me were those sending data in. I spent a long time doing that, designing the input forms, preparing the presentation slides and ensuring that there was a level playing field for all. Not only did these guys get the stuff in late they completely changed the way the figures are reported and totally screwed the data set!
Thanks guys - no - don't worry it only means hours more work for me to put it right - no go on - sit on your arses whilst I do it for you.
I'm less than amused with just a few days left to go and all the other spanners thrown in the works, the last minute minor changes that will mean there is bound to be a cock up on Thursday. 11 months I've been working on this and three days before the day they want to change their bloody minds! It surely can't be me can it?
Rant over!
Tired, Tired, Tired, ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Today, despite having plenty of sleep the previous two nights I was completely and utterly out of it again this afternoon. I just dozed off in my chair. i knew it was coming - I felt really tired and whack I was out for quite a time.
It is probably the biggest single difference I can say that I have physically wrong with me (YES - I know my head is pretty damned screwed up). :-)
Whilst I am out of condition I feel I can now spend some time getting myself back to a level of fitness and weight that I am comfortable with. I just need to work out some sort of schedule in a life that isn't particularly good at fitting around a schedule. I could do with a few months free of working up in town and just concentrating on perhaps training every day and making sure I get out and about in the fresh air rather than on over heated trains and in airless offices.
I'm not particularly upset about the tiredness but I do notice it as it invades so much of my time and now - when I should be in bed I'm here wide awake which messes up my sleep patterns and throws the rest of the week out.
Luckily this week sees an end to the full on effort I've been involved with and takes me into a slowing down period towards Christmas. i have a lot of holiday available which I ought to take so I did a schedule today to find that I haven't actually got one week that doesn't have me doing something in it.
As for my mental state - I'm sort of neutral at the moment. I haven't had a disturbed night of strange dreams and what ifs for a little while and whilst I'm still not certain what I want to be doing with myself for the future, some of the immediacy of the want to decide has gone away and I'm content for the moment. I'm sure that will change as I have a meeting later this week on my other business venture which may dictate the way the future will pan out.
It is probably the biggest single difference I can say that I have physically wrong with me (YES - I know my head is pretty damned screwed up). :-)
Whilst I am out of condition I feel I can now spend some time getting myself back to a level of fitness and weight that I am comfortable with. I just need to work out some sort of schedule in a life that isn't particularly good at fitting around a schedule. I could do with a few months free of working up in town and just concentrating on perhaps training every day and making sure I get out and about in the fresh air rather than on over heated trains and in airless offices.
I'm not particularly upset about the tiredness but I do notice it as it invades so much of my time and now - when I should be in bed I'm here wide awake which messes up my sleep patterns and throws the rest of the week out.
Luckily this week sees an end to the full on effort I've been involved with and takes me into a slowing down period towards Christmas. i have a lot of holiday available which I ought to take so I did a schedule today to find that I haven't actually got one week that doesn't have me doing something in it.
As for my mental state - I'm sort of neutral at the moment. I haven't had a disturbed night of strange dreams and what ifs for a little while and whilst I'm still not certain what I want to be doing with myself for the future, some of the immediacy of the want to decide has gone away and I'm content for the moment. I'm sure that will change as I have a meeting later this week on my other business venture which may dictate the way the future will pan out.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Nice - Pleased about that
I got a really nice and unexpected letter this morning - I've been made a Grand Officer in one of the Orders I am in which put a smile on my face this morning. I hadn't expected that at all.
I've spent a lot of the day sorting out my stuff and have only just realised that on Tuesday I need to have my accounts ready and they are just lying here in bits at the moment - oops. Tomorrow will have to do for them.
It is the beginning of a very busy week for me and I'm hoping to get through this and just relax a bit afterwards. There is a pretty heavy Lodge meeting coming up in a few weeks time that I need to keep an eye on but other than that I should be able to start to settle down as the rush will be over until the New Year. As someone reminded me yesterday - it is only 11 weeks to Christmas. I couldn't even begin to tell you where this year has gone!
I've spent a lot of the day sorting out my stuff and have only just realised that on Tuesday I need to have my accounts ready and they are just lying here in bits at the moment - oops. Tomorrow will have to do for them.
It is the beginning of a very busy week for me and I'm hoping to get through this and just relax a bit afterwards. There is a pretty heavy Lodge meeting coming up in a few weeks time that I need to keep an eye on but other than that I should be able to start to settle down as the rush will be over until the New Year. As someone reminded me yesterday - it is only 11 weeks to Christmas. I couldn't even begin to tell you where this year has gone!
Friday, October 09, 2009
Poor Brain and other Dilemmas
I was fine at work today but a tiny bit slow first thing after consuming far too much red Wine the night before.
Work was OK and I got on and was happy to get the day out of the way.
I got home to find an email from someone I know and who is also one of our volunteers at the charity. He has been operated on for Bladder Cancer and had a pretty hard time of it. I've offered whatever help I can give to him as I think he could do with a bit of support and seeing a survivor. he knows me although we are good acquaintances not friends. He says he will soon go on Chemo so I'll check that out and see.
On my brain - well it can't have escaped your notice that I'm pretty much unsettled at the moment. I have a potential opportunity coming up that should excite and motivate me but will mean leaving or altering my current job. I'm so under utilised in the job that I am in that it wouldn't be a problem to move on or to perhaps split my time accordingly.
I can't quite get to the bottom of exactly what it is that is troubling me, it is the whole thing not a single area to put your finger on. I'm not depressed and neither do I feel the need for seeing a shrink either as it isn't (or I think it isn't) the sort of thing that warrants that. It is some massive jigsaw puzzle of cause and effect scenarios to work through each action having some other knock on effect on some other part of the problem. The solutions vary from the simple to the hideously complicated, the plans from the weird to the just plain off the wall, the various scenarios for what I could be doing with the "opportunity" I have and the experiences I have been thorough play around in my head all the time.
I really don't know what I want and to rely on serendipity isn't my style it needs to be planned and considered and tested and then executed.
Work was OK and I got on and was happy to get the day out of the way.
I got home to find an email from someone I know and who is also one of our volunteers at the charity. He has been operated on for Bladder Cancer and had a pretty hard time of it. I've offered whatever help I can give to him as I think he could do with a bit of support and seeing a survivor. he knows me although we are good acquaintances not friends. He says he will soon go on Chemo so I'll check that out and see.
On my brain - well it can't have escaped your notice that I'm pretty much unsettled at the moment. I have a potential opportunity coming up that should excite and motivate me but will mean leaving or altering my current job. I'm so under utilised in the job that I am in that it wouldn't be a problem to move on or to perhaps split my time accordingly.
I can't quite get to the bottom of exactly what it is that is troubling me, it is the whole thing not a single area to put your finger on. I'm not depressed and neither do I feel the need for seeing a shrink either as it isn't (or I think it isn't) the sort of thing that warrants that. It is some massive jigsaw puzzle of cause and effect scenarios to work through each action having some other knock on effect on some other part of the problem. The solutions vary from the simple to the hideously complicated, the plans from the weird to the just plain off the wall, the various scenarios for what I could be doing with the "opportunity" I have and the experiences I have been thorough play around in my head all the time.
I really don't know what I want and to rely on serendipity isn't my style it needs to be planned and considered and tested and then executed.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Oh boy - one of those days
That has just ended at 23:25! Oh boy am I ever kanckered but I was very pleased to talk to someone and get some of my troubles off my chest. A good friend tipped up and we ended up drinking a few bottles of red at the local wine bar and finished off with a curry and another bottle of red. I actually believe I drank more as tonight it was my turn to have the magic auto refilling wine glass?
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
What a difference a day makes
24 little hours - NO - SOMEBODY STOP ME! This isn't Karaoke for goodness sake :-)
You may perceive that I feel 100% better than I was yesterday and almost my old strange peculiar self! Yowsa.
I had a good evening but my friend is looking very old now and perhaps rather than him giving me a lift home I should be giving him a lift there and back! He is 80 after all!
I'm beginning to formulate a plan to take myself forward from here and I reckon the thing that holds me back all the time is I test in my own mind about the impact my actions will have on others around me. Every time I per-mutate the odds and the different ways things could pan out if I made this or that decision. I'm not quite as worried about what people think about me as I used to be but I temper all decisions with that very criteria and acid test.
You see - going through my mind is to take myself off (on my own) for a week or two and "test" myself. Do I really want to walk away from here and go off and do something radical? Do I want to try and reengage with my family and friends. Am I living the life I really want to? Did I choose a life that I now regret and just want to change? And so on and so on go the questions bouncing about in my head. It is a constant assailing of my senses and there are no right or wrong answers nor logic to the way that the questions materialise and affect the way my next pattern of thoughts and plans are formulated.
It seems that I am just open to all ideas and all avenues of thought and action at the moment. I think I need to explore them all the sane and the insane, the logical and illogical, the bright and the dim, the planned and the unplanned serendipitous.
I am toying with the idea of taking myself off for a week or two - I have no idea where - to go and find myself. I'm a "late 50s" child so don't have the "benefit" of any drugs or alcohol background to play on my mind. I do have a brain that is constantly giving me grief about survival, normality and the nagging question of "Just what do you want to do with your life?" thrashing away in my mind many times a day.
Given that so much is going on in my head all the time, I find it very difficult to imagine that any deliberations are going to want me to settle back down to the Status Quo prior to Bladder Cancer.
I always thought I knew the answer and yet I find that it is still too difficult to look at straight in the eyes and to do what is right for everyone. To do what is right for me and me alone seems to be self centred and selfish to say the least and yet, by doing the ting that appears to be the most selfish and hurtful may it in the long run be the right thing to do? the short term hurt can be worked through. To continue the way I am going cannot be good for those around me in general or myself in particular.
I fear the collateral damage that bladder Cancer has dealt out so far and will (more so I have no doubt) into the future. It may be an inevitability of how my past was built that will be the undoing of the past but it may lead to a new future. I dread the collateral to other people and not to myself.
Cancer ripped up my rule book and threw away the index. All that I built and saved for was torn apart in short order. Things - material things - aren't so important really, if the house had burnt to the ground but everyone had escaped then that would have been a result. Life - not things - is important. I get that, I want to live a different life (or I dream I do). I don't live a different life because domestics haven't changed as I have changed, they have been constant (and may have needed to be so to continue "normal" house whilst I was ill). Now the house is the same as it was before BC and to me, nothing has changed but I most certainly have.
It is all a big heap of dung at the moment and whilst I'm enjoying life, am back to my old happy go lucky self and all that good stuff, I feel incomplete, a huge piece is missing and the next part of the journey is to discover (or rediscover) what the spark was or is, will be or what I want it to be. The brain nags me that I haven't gotten away with this, that it is going to come back and "get me" and that I had better live this next 10 or 15 years that I may have to the full. Only those that want to come along will come along. I know that many will not want to. That is my dilemma.
You may perceive that I feel 100% better than I was yesterday and almost my old strange peculiar self! Yowsa.
I had a good evening but my friend is looking very old now and perhaps rather than him giving me a lift home I should be giving him a lift there and back! He is 80 after all!
I'm beginning to formulate a plan to take myself forward from here and I reckon the thing that holds me back all the time is I test in my own mind about the impact my actions will have on others around me. Every time I per-mutate the odds and the different ways things could pan out if I made this or that decision. I'm not quite as worried about what people think about me as I used to be but I temper all decisions with that very criteria and acid test.
You see - going through my mind is to take myself off (on my own) for a week or two and "test" myself. Do I really want to walk away from here and go off and do something radical? Do I want to try and reengage with my family and friends. Am I living the life I really want to? Did I choose a life that I now regret and just want to change? And so on and so on go the questions bouncing about in my head. It is a constant assailing of my senses and there are no right or wrong answers nor logic to the way that the questions materialise and affect the way my next pattern of thoughts and plans are formulated.
It seems that I am just open to all ideas and all avenues of thought and action at the moment. I think I need to explore them all the sane and the insane, the logical and illogical, the bright and the dim, the planned and the unplanned serendipitous.
I am toying with the idea of taking myself off for a week or two - I have no idea where - to go and find myself. I'm a "late 50s" child so don't have the "benefit" of any drugs or alcohol background to play on my mind. I do have a brain that is constantly giving me grief about survival, normality and the nagging question of "Just what do you want to do with your life?" thrashing away in my mind many times a day.
Given that so much is going on in my head all the time, I find it very difficult to imagine that any deliberations are going to want me to settle back down to the Status Quo prior to Bladder Cancer.
I always thought I knew the answer and yet I find that it is still too difficult to look at straight in the eyes and to do what is right for everyone. To do what is right for me and me alone seems to be self centred and selfish to say the least and yet, by doing the ting that appears to be the most selfish and hurtful may it in the long run be the right thing to do? the short term hurt can be worked through. To continue the way I am going cannot be good for those around me in general or myself in particular.
I fear the collateral damage that bladder Cancer has dealt out so far and will (more so I have no doubt) into the future. It may be an inevitability of how my past was built that will be the undoing of the past but it may lead to a new future. I dread the collateral to other people and not to myself.
Cancer ripped up my rule book and threw away the index. All that I built and saved for was torn apart in short order. Things - material things - aren't so important really, if the house had burnt to the ground but everyone had escaped then that would have been a result. Life - not things - is important. I get that, I want to live a different life (or I dream I do). I don't live a different life because domestics haven't changed as I have changed, they have been constant (and may have needed to be so to continue "normal" house whilst I was ill). Now the house is the same as it was before BC and to me, nothing has changed but I most certainly have.
It is all a big heap of dung at the moment and whilst I'm enjoying life, am back to my old happy go lucky self and all that good stuff, I feel incomplete, a huge piece is missing and the next part of the journey is to discover (or rediscover) what the spark was or is, will be or what I want it to be. The brain nags me that I haven't gotten away with this, that it is going to come back and "get me" and that I had better live this next 10 or 15 years that I may have to the full. Only those that want to come along will come along. I know that many will not want to. That is my dilemma.
Off to my Jazz Night
Mind you it is tipping it down with rain and so for the first time in a very long time, I am getting a lift there - Once before - last month in fact - I got the bus as it was throwing it down then as well.
I hope to get a few beers down my neck and enjoy some trad Jazz prior to returning to the mad house at work tomorrow.
I hope to get a few beers down my neck and enjoy some trad Jazz prior to returning to the mad house at work tomorrow.
The alarm
Sounded at 5:20 as usual but there was no way I was going to make it and so I went back to sleep until just gone 9 and mercifully awoke to find a big improvement in the state of my cold. I've still got it but it is a lot less heavy than yesterday and all the symptoms are less.
Luckily I can work from home and I have plenty to get on with. My sense of humour might need a day to be repaired though. It does get me quite angry when no one actually makes a decision and sticks to it. Not my style. Sure, find something that doesn't work and change your mind but as usual, we spent hours in pedantic semantics and ended up with exactly the same message but worded in a different way.
It is my Dad's birthday today - I need to give him a call. It is also Jazz night and I'm looking forward to going to that and having a few beers and some good honest entertainment from talented musicians.
Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. All hell breaks loose this next week as we run up to one of our major events of the year that somehow, I have ended up arranging and organising. It isn't my job to do it but somehow I have inherited it. I've been trying to get the guy who owns it to actually own it. He doesn't and I'm worried he will seriously affect his job by not doing it and me doing it for him but I can't get him to see it by being subtle. He has even told me that I'm best suited to the Job (which IS true) but you can delegate the tasks but not the responsibility. Bless the lot of them, there aren't too many "managers" in the place and so maybe they don't know what I'm on about.
Well - I suppose I ought to go and do some work.
Luckily I can work from home and I have plenty to get on with. My sense of humour might need a day to be repaired though. It does get me quite angry when no one actually makes a decision and sticks to it. Not my style. Sure, find something that doesn't work and change your mind but as usual, we spent hours in pedantic semantics and ended up with exactly the same message but worded in a different way.
It is my Dad's birthday today - I need to give him a call. It is also Jazz night and I'm looking forward to going to that and having a few beers and some good honest entertainment from talented musicians.
Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. All hell breaks loose this next week as we run up to one of our major events of the year that somehow, I have ended up arranging and organising. It isn't my job to do it but somehow I have inherited it. I've been trying to get the guy who owns it to actually own it. He doesn't and I'm worried he will seriously affect his job by not doing it and me doing it for him but I can't get him to see it by being subtle. He has even told me that I'm best suited to the Job (which IS true) but you can delegate the tasks but not the responsibility. Bless the lot of them, there aren't too many "managers" in the place and so maybe they don't know what I'm on about.
Well - I suppose I ought to go and do some work.
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