A lie in

That was good - I managed to get a long lie in and found out afterwards that I didn't really need to get up as my conference call has been cancelled.

I am still surprised that I am in relatively good shape after the "normal" evenings out drinking with these guys.

At least a day at home for recovery. Off again tomorrow for an afternoon and evening out. I think I will have a day out with no drinking and see if I can manage that.

Well that was nice

Out with old friends and we ended up at a really nice gastropub place.

An out of the world Fruit De Mer to start with Old English Pork followed by a Spanish Cheese Board.

3 or was it 4 bottles of red wine and a good three or four beers before hand. Worryingly I got home in one piece stayed awake all of the way - I did cheat with Taxis to Charing Cross from Euston and to the end of my road. A couple of pints of water will, I am certain, stave off too much overnight dehydration but I am surprisingly sober.

I went out with these guys some time ago and I'm still getting flashbacks of that night now. It would be easier to list all the bars, clubs and restaurants we didn't go to in the Greater London area than list the ones we visited!!!

The three wise men out on an evening - as luck would have it - we have calmed down a lot and I actually got home this time. They are staying in an Hotel in London.... Good for them!

Niggling cough

Today the same dry niggling - not quite a real cough kept me annoyingly coughing throughout the day. I had a better day today and got plenty done but in fact I really still didn't enjoy it much. I have a new project to look at which is nice and some new challenges to look at. I'm still uncertain as to whether I really want to do them.

I have my meeting tomorrow and am out with some old friends in the evening although I hope not for too long as this cold feels as if it is about to break.

I managed to get a little revenge in tonight. My colleague packed paper and bits in a load of my files but I was in early enough to clear it all out and so not make a fuss. This was a while ago. Today she arrived in wearing a hat. I was able to put some paper clippings in that and I hope to find her pretty annoyed with me in the morning as she hadn't gone home when I did and would have an interesting moment when putting on the hat.

I am having Friday off, I need to catch up on a lot more work at home and I need to sort out records for a 60s and 70s disco that I am being DJ for in a few weeks time. Life is busy and work is the opposite. I just need to get through tomorrow's meeting with the Chairman and the rest of my Committee. I will see if I can steer them in to the committee I deserve. At the moment, sometimes it feel like a punishment from hell rather than anything else.

As I said to my colleague

I am getting pretty annoyed with the general level of my health these days - this year in particular has just been one niggle after another. I'm sure that some of it is actually a bit of protection for myself. If I get really annoyed at work then it is sometimes good that I am not there to "quit" or do some other self destructive series of actions. I can do that and have in my past. However, unless this is just figment of my imagination - I do appear to have had a series of odd things happen to me.

One thing after another though - can you believe I now have a sore throat and a dry cough - just an irritating cough every few minutes but that's enough.

I wonder if some of it is to do with work and my heart not really being in it at the moment. Today was just dire and I fell asleep at my PC again this afternoon. There is nothing really exciting happening and the Christmas Cards arrived today and no one quite realises it but apart from my committee meeting on Thursday my year's work is pretty much wrapped up.

The trouble is many think that I actually do other things in the organisation where, in fact, I just enable them for others. There just isn't any ownership and so it looks as if it is my doing.

Anyway, I'm certain that there is some truth in the fact that I really can't be bothered sometimes to drag my sorry arse all the way to London to sit and stare at a PC screen and help someone complete their Excel spreadsheet!

He has an "unusual" sense of humour

How I was described, rather nicely I thought. We were discussing my macabre, surreal and eccentric humour and how I can see funny things that many cannot.

Picture that we are in a club, near a railway and the front door is alarmed to make a two tone noise as people enter and leave through the security door. It is very quiet and not many people are in the room and the door alarm goes off, just the once.

"Wow" said I, "that was a really tiny train wasn't it?"

Now - if you can put yourself in the place of my audience of about 5 people. 3 got it immediately and burst into laughter, one joined a little later and one sat blank faced for about a minute and then got it. To even connect the railway behind the club and the alarm sound is a long leap and so for anyone to actually pick up on it was pretty good.

I have a lateral brain and it picks up connections and parallels in conversation and (thank goodness) is back to almost as sharp as it used to be. I love the spontaneity and sheer pythonesque qualities of my sense of humour. I also like the very dark stuff too - although it doesn't wash with my parents who never got the funny side of my Tee Shirt "I'm Not Dead Yet!" and still don't. Well if it was your child talking like that about their cancer what would you think?

My personality keeps me going. My whole family have the most in tune sense of humour you can imagine. A room full of us are about as controllable as a barrel load of monkeys. Each would feed off the other. My kid Brother and I can spark a series of conversations on the phone which comprise, humorous lines, mimicry of almost any dialect and language you want, old and new punchlines, completed by each other in real time and in stereo and still have some room to get in a few digs at each other. The verbal fireworks are great - it is who I am, it what people expect of me and I do try and deliver a "good performance" and be on my best form as it is one of the reasons I feel I should survive and be around a bit longer. A smile and bit of humour and some wit and repartie contribute to living - its what it is all about. All the time your are down and upset are wasted moments and if only everyone could be a little looser, a little less uptight the world would be a much nicer place.

I am determined to be good humoured no matter what and spread good feelings as life is too short and it ain't a rehearsal. Shame it takes quite such a threat to my life to make me see it though.

As exciting as it gets

Stuffed about 1,000 envelopes today. Had food, came home.

Nuff said!

Work tomorrow

Not looking forward to it really. I don't know why but I've a real downer on work and the last few days at home have meant I have been able to get a good run at some of my paperwork.

I think I might need to work out what is left to do this year and sort out if I can get the remainder of the work done and spend less time in the office. I tend to think I can.

My leg still hurts a bit I just hope tomorrow isn't too bad getting in to work.

Oh Hell

Heard tonight that someone I know reasonably well has Prostate Cancer - the worst scenario - 20+ Radios on their way for his lottery. For lottery it surely must be as there is little to be gained from radical work - these are the last throw of the dice. How terrible to have that in your sights.

At our meeting tonight my friend and I are pronounced as being clear, technically in remission and the to hear that our colleague was this bad was just so devastating. I bumped into someone unknown to me before tonight and he was telling me that his wife had just months to go before she dies from some other particularly nasty form of disease that will render her blind first and then death will follow quite soon. It makes me shudder writing it.

Despite all of that we had a good evening and met up with some people we haven't seen for ages.  Just a shame about the other news.

Not in work today either

I can't say that I feel any better today really.  I got dressed and can still feel this cut / abrassion against my trousers and I know that if I walk any distance I'll set it off again.  So I've stuck a load more cream on it and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.  I can do my work from here for a while.

I am getting fed up of this time off work but I know it is better to do this than to go in today and end up twice as bad ready for next week when I need to be in.

At  least the weekend awaits and I can get a few days R&R in before heading back to the office.

Battling with myself

I find that I'm constantly beating myself up and questioning things and I've done that most of my life. I am very critical of my own work and I expect others to be as good if not even better than me. I'm no perfectionist but I like a job done well and I like to work with professionals and people who inspire me. I like to learn new things and see how different approaches to a problem can help me solve that in a more elegant fashion.

I'm continuing working on this "other" project and it is really exciting but I'm getting impatient to get stuck in and really give it a go. It probably wont be until the end of Q1 next year but it will just be so interesting to work on and to produce something really interesting. The current job doesn't inspire anymore as it is dealing with the same old, same old and how anyone can have a job that never actually produces anything but just keeps the wheels turning is beyond me and YES - I know we have to have jobs and industries and people like that but I'm not one of them and I just don't get it :-)

All the time I beat myself up because I'm not delivering or I'm not achieving what I could do. I tell you that I am coming back on stream with avengence and getting back to my old self. I don't have the energy but I sure do have the brain power back which I can tell you I have really missed. I get the odd word wrong and it takes me a little while to remember things and names but in reality my mind is working at a speed and at a level of lateral and creativity that I am now much happier with. If you go back a year or so, you may recall that the treatment was making me forgetful and lethargic whereas now - I feel I am climbing back towards the levels I used to have. All I need is the energy and fitness to catch up with my brain and I can announce that I am back.

A little better today

Still feeling this nasty raw patch on my leg - it really hurt yesterday and I think I've got things under control so I can get into work tomorrow. What a nuisance - I have no idea how I did it.

I seem to have had so many ailments in the past 3 and a half years which have made up for my near 30 year clear run!! If anything comes along I appear to get it. Got the Dizzy spells, that awful cold and infections earlier this year, this problem with my leg and all sorts of stupid little niggles. I'm actually getting quite p1ssed off with being not 100%.

I shouldn't moan and I should be aware there are people far worse off that I am but even so, I just never seem to feel on top of my game, 100%, fit, healthy, the right weight and all that good stuff. It is frustrating not depressing.

I still wonder whether I ought to look to have a short rest period away from work just to sort myself out and get my head and body back into some sort of shape.

These two days have actually been quite good as I haven't been able to do much and so have sat down and actually got stuck into some of my outstanding paperwork.

At Home - on a Wednesday

Strange - it is early morning and not unlike last week, I am at home. This time it is more to do with managing to hurt the inside of my leg. I did this yesterday and I've scrapped the inside of one of my thighs and so it kept getting caught on the seam of my trousers and rubbing. It was pretty cold yesterday as well and by the time I got to work I was feeling a little sore. By the time I got home I needed to go and put some cream on it. This morning I thought all was well but find that it isn't really. It needs a bit of rest.

I can work from home - the office is aware - or will be wen they get in and I am set up to work from here.

Yesterday was again a boring day and I was falling asleep at my desk. I think I remember last year being this bad too. There is little real work to get your teeth into and what work there is appears to be bitty and mundane.

I hope that I will be OK to go out later today. I am due to a meeting this afternoon and just hope that my leg has calmed down a bit by then.

That was bound to happen

Absolute standstill this afternoon. The web site has been updated and is now in test and what's worse, the Christmas Card is now agreed and in production. All the mailings have been done and my time sheets and invoice are all up to date.

I'm sat here wondering quite what to get stuck into. Time is dragging and I am scratching around trying to sort out what 5 minute jobs there are.

The trouble is that there really isn't that much left to do until January! How worrying is that.

Not looking forward to the coming week

I need to be diplomatic and not actually tell everyone what I think this week :-)

The past few weeks have definitely seemed to be testing my patience and ability to continue to work on a load of mundane tasks.  It bores the hell out of me.

I'm obviously getting better.  I'm still tired but my mind appears to be back to its need to do something a little more creative than this job allows me to be.   I'm finding the hum drum day-to-day work is wearing a little thin.  It's nice to be the do-er and someone who provides all the support at the office but that is little comfort when it has taken 3 or more months to get to a final of our Christmas Card and it is still not finished and people STILL want to change it.

Remebrance Sunday

I always find the service moving but for the first time in years I was actually out and went down to Gillingham and back to get some of my Regalia to be invested as a Grand Officer next month.

They've made some massive improvements to the road and all the roadworks are now gone so I flew down there and back in about half the time I thought it would so I did get to see the end of the service.  It was interesting to see that I could get to the new International Rail Terminal in about 20 minutes.  It makes Paris and Brussels less than 3 hours away!

Today is a lazy day.  Watch TV, catch up on emails and generally chill out before the next crazy week at work.  I hope to be able to keep my calm this week - I find it quite testing at the moment but that could be that I realise that there isn't much of a job left.

Now that you come to mention it

I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:

"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him.  It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do  a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "

That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again.   It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.  

It is amazing how things have progressed from there.  The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there.  It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.

It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.  

I didn't expect to get back that late

But I eventually caught the 23:15 train home! I went out with my Nephew who is back from Luxembourg for good and my work colleagues had also come over. I ended up going home a lot later than I thought I would.

The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).

I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."

Now the Vice Chairman

Of the London Lunchtimers.  www.lunchtimers.org 

But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same.  Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).

I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much.  A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!

Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.

Even Keeled

Or I appear to be now.  How strange that was.  I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90.  I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better.  Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day.  That was most weird.

I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.  

Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years!  If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.

So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning.  It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.

Good Old Flocky

Was on the phone to me to see how I was.  Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around.  It is the most strange feeling.

Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy.  I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.

I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy.  I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision).  I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.

Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.