I'm glad to see that I didn't blog here on Saturday night - I would have been wrecked :-) We managed to end up after my Installation in the bar for 7 (yes) 7 hours.... Considering I'd already had a few pints of beer, some wine and some port the following 7 hours of beer and whisky and no food may have contributed to the rather thick head I had on Sunday.
My Installation meeting was great - I really enjoyed it once I got past the bit I had to remember myself. Having next to no sleep on the Friday night with my mind racing didn't help either.
I've spoken to my brother and sort of heard his side of the story out and now I'm just going to leave him to do his thing - I see what he is thinking and he is doing the calls and stuff. I've offered whatever I can at this end. Mainly, I'm going to be the one who will end up doing all the calls and arrangements as I'm sure that they wont be able to. Anyway - let's see what happens with that when and if it happens. As for Dad, well he wasn't good yesterday and they gave him some pain killers which sent him off to sleep which is probably good but we will just have to see where it goes this week. The trouble is that no one is taking a whole life view for us - each specialist is doing there bit and no one is talking to the other person. This is the trouble with the way things can be. No one is looking at his cancer (I know they can't do anything) but they are treating the symptoms and maybe they ought to be thinking things through slightly differently - anyway, I kind of hope he isn't there for much longer. There is a possibility that we can get dad moved to a home that is local to mum - if that is the case then maybe things might get a bit better.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Emotion versus Pragmatism
I think of myself as a bit cold and calculating and yet can get quite emotional (as you may have noticed in earlier blogs) over strange things these days. I'm currently reeling over my brother's assertion that dad can come home and that he can possibly find someone willing to spend time at home looking after him! It isn't going to happen as we don't have 1 to 1 nursing care in this country and he's barking mad if he thinks that there is the remotest possibility that anyone will do this unless he pays for it I suppose.
Totally impractical as my dad can't even move himself up in bed let alone get in or out of the same and he requires 24x7 care and my mum can't do it. He is no realist and believes that dad will come home. I'd love to think that it might be possible but there's no way that is going to happen and the sooner he stops telling my mum this bunkum the better I'll feel as I may have to give him a call and a bit of a slap if he keeps pissing my mum off. Doesn't he think it is difficult enough already? At least his wife has a bit of sense and I hope that she will give him a bloody good dressing down tomorrow after she has spoken to my mum. She and I had words earlier in the week and she and I know that it just isn't going to happen.
It looks as if they will be able to transfer dad to a nursing home which, I hope, will give mum more access and give him a little peace and quiet away from the hospital. It will allow mum to get a little more involved in his day to day care and to have him nearby. I said to her tonight that it is totally a case of what is good for dad and for her, that my brother's wishes and my wishes are not to come into that decision, it is what is best for him and her that are important. Unfortunately my brother doesn't work like that, he felt that dad was selfish in not having the full Whipple operation when it was offered - easy for him to say and easy for him as he wouldn't have had to go through it. The bypass was heavy enough and whilst it gave him a little more time, it really hasn't contributed to any greater quality of life (in my opinion).
I really don't need my brother adding to my mum's stress levels and he does annoy me that he spends his time advising on medical things when he isn't a doctor just an administrator in the system. He's full of great ideas found on the Internet but doesn't actually sort things out himself leaving it to others, like my mum, who he has asked to make a series of phone calls on Monday about this alleged 1 to 1 nursing he thinks exists. What a tosser, hopefully his wife will give him a slap around the face tomorrow to bring him to his senses.
Totally impractical as my dad can't even move himself up in bed let alone get in or out of the same and he requires 24x7 care and my mum can't do it. He is no realist and believes that dad will come home. I'd love to think that it might be possible but there's no way that is going to happen and the sooner he stops telling my mum this bunkum the better I'll feel as I may have to give him a call and a bit of a slap if he keeps pissing my mum off. Doesn't he think it is difficult enough already? At least his wife has a bit of sense and I hope that she will give him a bloody good dressing down tomorrow after she has spoken to my mum. She and I had words earlier in the week and she and I know that it just isn't going to happen.
It looks as if they will be able to transfer dad to a nursing home which, I hope, will give mum more access and give him a little peace and quiet away from the hospital. It will allow mum to get a little more involved in his day to day care and to have him nearby. I said to her tonight that it is totally a case of what is good for dad and for her, that my brother's wishes and my wishes are not to come into that decision, it is what is best for him and her that are important. Unfortunately my brother doesn't work like that, he felt that dad was selfish in not having the full Whipple operation when it was offered - easy for him to say and easy for him as he wouldn't have had to go through it. The bypass was heavy enough and whilst it gave him a little more time, it really hasn't contributed to any greater quality of life (in my opinion).
I really don't need my brother adding to my mum's stress levels and he does annoy me that he spends his time advising on medical things when he isn't a doctor just an administrator in the system. He's full of great ideas found on the Internet but doesn't actually sort things out himself leaving it to others, like my mum, who he has asked to make a series of phone calls on Monday about this alleged 1 to 1 nursing he thinks exists. What a tosser, hopefully his wife will give him a slap around the face tomorrow to bring him to his senses.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Nerves kicking in
I wasn't expecting to be a little nervous - but there you go, I can feel the nerves kicking in and I still haven't quite got my words right and so I'm working on those today - I have decided that today is all about getting it right. I've written my speech but I'm not really that happy about it at the moment, it doesn't quite flow, I have to make some subtle adjustments to emphasis and also just get the few funnies right - it's a big audience and so I need to be just above subtle but not in your face - working on that now :-)
I'd like to do my speech without notes but I've never done that before unless it has been an off the cuff performance which this never was going to be. Now I need to make sure I have all the necessary things ready - suit, tie, waistcoat, shoes are clean and so on - take some glasses so I can read my script and ensure that all the paperwork I need is available.
I just need to be myself, enjoy the day and make sure that I meet and greet everyone and work the room. It will be difficult as I'll be centre of attention for the day - I just need to ensure that my guests all look after each other as I will be somewhat swamped with people wanting to congratulate me and vie for my attention - I should be in my element but actually I never really enjoyed it that much.
I'd like to do my speech without notes but I've never done that before unless it has been an off the cuff performance which this never was going to be. Now I need to make sure I have all the necessary things ready - suit, tie, waistcoat, shoes are clean and so on - take some glasses so I can read my script and ensure that all the paperwork I need is available.
I just need to be myself, enjoy the day and make sure that I meet and greet everyone and work the room. It will be difficult as I'll be centre of attention for the day - I just need to ensure that my guests all look after each other as I will be somewhat swamped with people wanting to congratulate me and vie for my attention - I should be in my element but actually I never really enjoyed it that much.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Just a matter of time
Like it is for all of us I suppose, eventually we will meet our destiny and we've now been told that dad's time with us is coming to an end and that he can only be made comfortable and will not be in a position to improve or gain any strength. It is very sad and distressing for the family to see him like this and I've often felt that this is the cruelty of the disease. It tears up your loved ones before your eyes and you've got no chance to do anything about it. In olden days, I'm guessing he would be dead by now as he would have contracted such a serious series of infections that would have been untreatable. These days, they can work miracles and indeed so they have but at what cost?
I remember going to the funeral of my uncle who died very suddenly and the vicar spoke about how sometimes it was better like that. He died young and whilst it was one hell of a shock we would always remember him like that, as we had known him the last time we saw or spoke to him. It was a hell of a shock to us all but I kind of understand what he was saying and in a way, and I really don't mean to be cruel, it might be better if dad didn't wake up tomorrow morning. I know you'll think that an awful thing to say but that's how it feels and he's enjoying no quality of life and isn't likely to either, he is deteriorating and being kept alive by the wonders of medical science.
This isn't the man who I've known all my life and it isn't the way I want to see him or how he would want to be seen either. I certainly don't want to remember him like this I want to remember him as my dad, as my father, the guy that taught me wood and metalwork and the forward defence stroke, to play football, fly a kite, build sandcastles and all that good father son stuff. Now he's a frail and frightened man, not even in his home, being looked after by overworked nurses and doctors and frankly wasting away before our eyes. I feel sorry for my mum who has stood up to all this for these past 10 months or so. Of course you never really want someone to die or to no longer be there but you never ever want them to suffer like this - although suffer may be too strong a word.
Cancer, as I've often said before, works on many levels beyond the disease itself because of the way it is perceived and understood and misunderstood all at the same time. Early posts explore this element of the disease and yet then it was about me and what I was going through and the shit I put my family through (note that it wasn't cancer that did that - it was my fault!). That's another one of those things you do. My fault, I caused suffering for others and so on - how strange is that. It's as if you had been hit by an uninsured driver and it was your own fault for being there at the wrong time! Bizarre thing cancer.
So, there's me being wicked and being concerned and looking in to dad's eyes and seeing the fear. Fear to go to sleep in case he doesn't wake up, of his eyes failing and being blind and then he looks at the flesh hanging down loosely from his arms and pulls a disgusted and fearful face at that. His voice is becoming feint and his strength is going, his patience is growing shorter and his comprehension skills are failing as he fails to understand what you say to him. Now his feet and hands are growing cold and gradually his body is shutting down.
I'm not sure if I'm just braving this out or have rationalised it in my head or through my own experience when looking back at my dark days. I wonder if things hadn't gone so well whether I'd have thought any differently. I'm hoping that I am thinking pragmatically about death. I hope that I have no regrets and that I am comfortable with my lot, that I made a difference to someone, anyone, and that I lived a good life and did the right things. I certainly feel this way more so because cancer became my great leveller and that I also learnt some key lessons during that time. I had 2 years to re-build myself and my confidence in the charity and whilst I saw some pretty bleak and awful things happening to other people, it made me realise how lucky I was. I also "made a difference" in the time that I was there, that was the thing, I did something for other people and many didn't know who I was.
I look back at achievements and they aren't what you think they may be. They are my children and their upbringing, their work for other people and their work ethic and maturity. I look at the difference I made to other lives and these things are my achievements. The rest of the things are material and transient, worth less now than when you bought them. We have everything we need, shelter, warmth, food, health - not sure what Maslow would make of it but there you go. In many ways I think another achievement may be to educate those friends and those acquainted with me that cancer isn't what they thought it was, that you could take an attitude to it and that you can beat it and you can come through it. Now I look back and wonder and see how people viewed me and I don't see myself in their description of me. I never really thought I was ill or even looked ill but some of the photos do show me looking drawn and grey, I now look a lot better and often get reminded by my mates that I used to look like sh1t :-)
So - big change in my attitude, 6 years ago I would have wanted a fast car, big house, dah de dah but now, that actually isn't on the important list at all.... However, not everyone thinks like that and so that also makes for an interesting time.
I remember going to the funeral of my uncle who died very suddenly and the vicar spoke about how sometimes it was better like that. He died young and whilst it was one hell of a shock we would always remember him like that, as we had known him the last time we saw or spoke to him. It was a hell of a shock to us all but I kind of understand what he was saying and in a way, and I really don't mean to be cruel, it might be better if dad didn't wake up tomorrow morning. I know you'll think that an awful thing to say but that's how it feels and he's enjoying no quality of life and isn't likely to either, he is deteriorating and being kept alive by the wonders of medical science.
This isn't the man who I've known all my life and it isn't the way I want to see him or how he would want to be seen either. I certainly don't want to remember him like this I want to remember him as my dad, as my father, the guy that taught me wood and metalwork and the forward defence stroke, to play football, fly a kite, build sandcastles and all that good father son stuff. Now he's a frail and frightened man, not even in his home, being looked after by overworked nurses and doctors and frankly wasting away before our eyes. I feel sorry for my mum who has stood up to all this for these past 10 months or so. Of course you never really want someone to die or to no longer be there but you never ever want them to suffer like this - although suffer may be too strong a word.
Cancer, as I've often said before, works on many levels beyond the disease itself because of the way it is perceived and understood and misunderstood all at the same time. Early posts explore this element of the disease and yet then it was about me and what I was going through and the shit I put my family through (note that it wasn't cancer that did that - it was my fault!). That's another one of those things you do. My fault, I caused suffering for others and so on - how strange is that. It's as if you had been hit by an uninsured driver and it was your own fault for being there at the wrong time! Bizarre thing cancer.
So, there's me being wicked and being concerned and looking in to dad's eyes and seeing the fear. Fear to go to sleep in case he doesn't wake up, of his eyes failing and being blind and then he looks at the flesh hanging down loosely from his arms and pulls a disgusted and fearful face at that. His voice is becoming feint and his strength is going, his patience is growing shorter and his comprehension skills are failing as he fails to understand what you say to him. Now his feet and hands are growing cold and gradually his body is shutting down.
I'm not sure if I'm just braving this out or have rationalised it in my head or through my own experience when looking back at my dark days. I wonder if things hadn't gone so well whether I'd have thought any differently. I'm hoping that I am thinking pragmatically about death. I hope that I have no regrets and that I am comfortable with my lot, that I made a difference to someone, anyone, and that I lived a good life and did the right things. I certainly feel this way more so because cancer became my great leveller and that I also learnt some key lessons during that time. I had 2 years to re-build myself and my confidence in the charity and whilst I saw some pretty bleak and awful things happening to other people, it made me realise how lucky I was. I also "made a difference" in the time that I was there, that was the thing, I did something for other people and many didn't know who I was.
I look back at achievements and they aren't what you think they may be. They are my children and their upbringing, their work for other people and their work ethic and maturity. I look at the difference I made to other lives and these things are my achievements. The rest of the things are material and transient, worth less now than when you bought them. We have everything we need, shelter, warmth, food, health - not sure what Maslow would make of it but there you go. In many ways I think another achievement may be to educate those friends and those acquainted with me that cancer isn't what they thought it was, that you could take an attitude to it and that you can beat it and you can come through it. Now I look back and wonder and see how people viewed me and I don't see myself in their description of me. I never really thought I was ill or even looked ill but some of the photos do show me looking drawn and grey, I now look a lot better and often get reminded by my mates that I used to look like sh1t :-)
So - big change in my attitude, 6 years ago I would have wanted a fast car, big house, dah de dah but now, that actually isn't on the important list at all.... However, not everyone thinks like that and so that also makes for an interesting time.
Out Again
I was out last night at the Jazz night which was good - it looks as if I haven't been at all this year! So perhaps not been for more like 8 months. It doesn't seem that long ago but perhaps it has been as the last signature in the book of mine was September 2011! It was good to get along to the event anyway and enjoyed the beer and the music.
Tonight, it looks like I am out again to meet my friend who is also the Director of Ceremonies for Saturday and I know that he will want to run through some procedural stuff and make sure that I'm prepared for it.
My dad should be being assessed today to be given a holistic view of where we are and what needs to be done. I'm pretty much of the opinion that if he doesn't get his strength back he will need to stay in some form of care and whether that is in a Hospital bed or some Care Home I just don't know. Hopefully though we will get some sort of resolution on this as the journey to and from the Hospital is 30 minutes each way and it is wearing on my mum as well as for my brother and sister in law. If he can come home - which he may appreciate, he will need a lot of care and this is the problem - he almost needs one to one 24x7 cover, I cannot imagine that is likely given how things are in the NHS and Social Services and I don't think that Marie Curie nurses would be right. But I am jumping the gun here and we need to hear what the specialists say.
Unfortunately it is only a matter of time though and making him comfortable and stable is the priority as well as ensuring that he is receiving pain killers as and when they may be required. I still feel quite remote from it all and wonder if that is something unusual in my psyche? Other things provoke emotional responses but not this - well not as deep or spontaneously. I'm wondering whether I'm some sort of weirdo :-)
Tonight, it looks like I am out again to meet my friend who is also the Director of Ceremonies for Saturday and I know that he will want to run through some procedural stuff and make sure that I'm prepared for it.
My dad should be being assessed today to be given a holistic view of where we are and what needs to be done. I'm pretty much of the opinion that if he doesn't get his strength back he will need to stay in some form of care and whether that is in a Hospital bed or some Care Home I just don't know. Hopefully though we will get some sort of resolution on this as the journey to and from the Hospital is 30 minutes each way and it is wearing on my mum as well as for my brother and sister in law. If he can come home - which he may appreciate, he will need a lot of care and this is the problem - he almost needs one to one 24x7 cover, I cannot imagine that is likely given how things are in the NHS and Social Services and I don't think that Marie Curie nurses would be right. But I am jumping the gun here and we need to hear what the specialists say.
Unfortunately it is only a matter of time though and making him comfortable and stable is the priority as well as ensuring that he is receiving pain killers as and when they may be required. I still feel quite remote from it all and wonder if that is something unusual in my psyche? Other things provoke emotional responses but not this - well not as deep or spontaneously. I'm wondering whether I'm some sort of weirdo :-)
If I may?
A Bradbury Quote from the Locusts (Locusts of Mars) Martian Chronicles.
This is the power of writing - it doesn't get much better than this to screw with your mind! :-)
"The rockets set the bony meadows afire, turned rock to lava, turned wood to charcoal, transmitted water to steam, made sand and silica into green glass which lay like shattered mirrors reflecting the invasion, all about. The rockets came like drums, beating in the night. The rockets came like locusts, swarming and settling in blooms of rosy smoke. And from the rockets ran men with hammers in their hands to beat the strange world into a shape that was familiar to the eye, to bludgeon away all the strangeness, their mouths fringed with nails so they resembled steel-toothed carnivores, spitting them into their swift hands as they hammered up frame cottages and scuttled over roofs with shingles to blot out the eerie stars, and fit green shades to pull against the night. And when the carpenters had hurried on, the women came in with flowerpots and chintz and pans and set up a kitchen clamor to cover the silence that Mars made waiting outside the door and the shaded window. "
Imagine a book filled with such wonderful prose - there you have the Martian Chronicles....
This is the power of writing - it doesn't get much better than this to screw with your mind! :-)
"The rockets set the bony meadows afire, turned rock to lava, turned wood to charcoal, transmitted water to steam, made sand and silica into green glass which lay like shattered mirrors reflecting the invasion, all about. The rockets came like drums, beating in the night. The rockets came like locusts, swarming and settling in blooms of rosy smoke. And from the rockets ran men with hammers in their hands to beat the strange world into a shape that was familiar to the eye, to bludgeon away all the strangeness, their mouths fringed with nails so they resembled steel-toothed carnivores, spitting them into their swift hands as they hammered up frame cottages and scuttled over roofs with shingles to blot out the eerie stars, and fit green shades to pull against the night. And when the carpenters had hurried on, the women came in with flowerpots and chintz and pans and set up a kitchen clamor to cover the silence that Mars made waiting outside the door and the shaded window. "
Imagine a book filled with such wonderful prose - there you have the Martian Chronicles....
Ray Bradbury
Has passed away today at the age of 91. I read Fahrenheit 451 but my real love was the Martian Chronicles or the Locusts or Mars (I think it was called). It was one of only a few books that took me away from where I was and opened things up. Other books must include Lord of The Rings, The Gormenghast Trilogy, the regeneration Trilogy and perhaps Wilt by Tom Sharpe (strangely enough) were life changing works.
I still prefer historical books and I still think that Martin Gilbert's History of the 20th Century is just an amazing piece of work. Add to that the House by the Thames and London a Biography and Cromwell our Chief of Men and you can keep me chatting all night long. I will not do that. I will however suggest that if you haven't read the Martian Chronicles that you should do so. There is something hauntingly beautiful in the prose and like Gormenghast the words flow off the page and pull you in to a wonderful world - far more enchanting than Rowling's Harry Potter, far deeper and far darker and yet somehow beautiful.
How I admire the ability of these authors who produce literature that you can easily read, immerse yourself in and enjoy. I enjoy it for "what it is" and find the sniping critics don't appreciate the effort that has gone in to convey the story (whether fiction or factual). To capture your reader and take them on a page turning roller coaster of a journey is a magical gift indeed. I just wished I possessed half of their talent and might be able to properly express myself using correct English Grammar would be half of the fight :-)
We should mourn the passing of great artists like Bradbury who's imagination and writing were unbounded by present day constraints. I now need to go find the Martian Chronicles and re read it - I'm sure that I will not be disappointed.
I still prefer historical books and I still think that Martin Gilbert's History of the 20th Century is just an amazing piece of work. Add to that the House by the Thames and London a Biography and Cromwell our Chief of Men and you can keep me chatting all night long. I will not do that. I will however suggest that if you haven't read the Martian Chronicles that you should do so. There is something hauntingly beautiful in the prose and like Gormenghast the words flow off the page and pull you in to a wonderful world - far more enchanting than Rowling's Harry Potter, far deeper and far darker and yet somehow beautiful.
How I admire the ability of these authors who produce literature that you can easily read, immerse yourself in and enjoy. I enjoy it for "what it is" and find the sniping critics don't appreciate the effort that has gone in to convey the story (whether fiction or factual). To capture your reader and take them on a page turning roller coaster of a journey is a magical gift indeed. I just wished I possessed half of their talent and might be able to properly express myself using correct English Grammar would be half of the fight :-)
We should mourn the passing of great artists like Bradbury who's imagination and writing were unbounded by present day constraints. I now need to go find the Martian Chronicles and re read it - I'm sure that I will not be disappointed.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Jazz Night
Blimey when was the last time I went to Jazz Night? Probably January I think as Peter was there and died a few days afterwards - sad but mercifully quick from what I understand and from my own experience with dad, this hanging on and no real quality of life, I can understand why it was probably better albeit such a shock.
So I haven't been to a Jazz night for a while and I think I may have missed one through having a cold or if not that through the scan or something anyway, I'm going tonight despite the rain!
I've come off the Slow carb diet for a while only because we've had a series of things going on and loads of events and it was just too difficult to maintain the discipline. I'm eating properly though and managing to keep my weight. I do need to get back onto the diet in a week or two when there are no more calls on my attendance at meals etc. I haven't put on any weight so that is good.
So - out tonight - looking forward to it greatly - I need a bit of a break.
So I haven't been to a Jazz night for a while and I think I may have missed one through having a cold or if not that through the scan or something anyway, I'm going tonight despite the rain!
I've come off the Slow carb diet for a while only because we've had a series of things going on and loads of events and it was just too difficult to maintain the discipline. I'm eating properly though and managing to keep my weight. I do need to get back onto the diet in a week or two when there are no more calls on my attendance at meals etc. I haven't put on any weight so that is good.
So - out tonight - looking forward to it greatly - I need a bit of a break.
Making the wrong decisions for the right reason
Had a chat with my business partner - I was mulling the stupid set of conversations I'd had yesterday. These are the sort of conversations that spook you into acting in a knee jerk reaction. I could easily pick up the phone and get a job that I'd regret in a month and kick into touch. I need to think things through and be measured and I've got a few issues to be getting on with this week without the worry that somehow we will be in the workhouse by the end of the week.
Right now I've got a series of balancing acts to do and they involve my father's situation as I ought to go up there pretty soon I guess. He has been in Hospital 3 weeks today which is probably the longest since the big operation. The issue is that whilst I'm there I won't be doing a hell of a lot - I can do a little but have no chance to arrange interviews and the like. Additionally, I haven't decided what I want to do going forward.
This weekend is important for me as I will have a really interesting day on Saturday being installed in the Chair of my Lodge, I've yet to learn my words properly and also I've to make sure that I have my speech ready and so on. I'm working on another piece of business too at the moment which may or may not have any relevance for me. Let's see.
The very last thing I need to be doing though is doing the right thing for the wrong reason and ending up back where I was some years ago in a job I hated, working with people I had no respect whatsoever for. Given my change in personality I just don't deal with fools at all these days, I would need to be very careful going to work and having to interact with the drivel that called themselves "senior management" at my last corporate employment. I need to be convinced that I'd be able to listen to and live in the same crappy place as I was before and I know the answer to that without needing to write it down.
There are now lots more terms and conditions that I've set myself (self imposed) that these days I don't want to compromise my integrity and would rather work in a better place with lower wages if it meant that I'd satisfy that criteria. I don't want much do I? :-)
Right now I've got a series of balancing acts to do and they involve my father's situation as I ought to go up there pretty soon I guess. He has been in Hospital 3 weeks today which is probably the longest since the big operation. The issue is that whilst I'm there I won't be doing a hell of a lot - I can do a little but have no chance to arrange interviews and the like. Additionally, I haven't decided what I want to do going forward.
This weekend is important for me as I will have a really interesting day on Saturday being installed in the Chair of my Lodge, I've yet to learn my words properly and also I've to make sure that I have my speech ready and so on. I'm working on another piece of business too at the moment which may or may not have any relevance for me. Let's see.
The very last thing I need to be doing though is doing the right thing for the wrong reason and ending up back where I was some years ago in a job I hated, working with people I had no respect whatsoever for. Given my change in personality I just don't deal with fools at all these days, I would need to be very careful going to work and having to interact with the drivel that called themselves "senior management" at my last corporate employment. I need to be convinced that I'd be able to listen to and live in the same crappy place as I was before and I know the answer to that without needing to write it down.
There are now lots more terms and conditions that I've set myself (self imposed) that these days I don't want to compromise my integrity and would rather work in a better place with lower wages if it meant that I'd satisfy that criteria. I don't want much do I? :-)
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Fed up with this
Was trying to get some sense of reality into an interesting situation. I complained that the first things Mrs. F. said to me this morning wasn't anything personal - before I'd even got the sleep out of my eyes Mrs. F was complaining about the phone call costs - which eventually turned out to be her calls on behalf of her charity to the Government Tax Line (they nicely have a premium phone call service). So that's how the morning started and stayed on that all morning. Now call me insensitive but I did suggest that perhaps she ought to start the morning with some small talk - but she rarely does.
So having now pointed that out to her - it is my fault now. This is how stupid this stuff gets. I've got sufficient funds to continue going for around about 16 months. That's partly the reason I was able to go and try to make the business set up. So that didn't happen and as I see it, I have 16 months to get a job. You'd have thought that we would be destitute the way Mrs. F. goes off on one. It's one of those discussions that don't go well as I go past logic and then go into mocking sarcasm and ridicule for this is what it deserves. Having many times sat down and calculated the basis of our finances and even discussed selling up and moving every now and then I get this stupid argument that somehow we are about to be moved on to the workhouse. I have to say that it really is getting to be a pointless conversation and one that I'm pretty tired of addressing every few weeks.
I could do with getting a call this week about the job that might be available as that would, I'm sure, ensure a quiet life......
So having now pointed that out to her - it is my fault now. This is how stupid this stuff gets. I've got sufficient funds to continue going for around about 16 months. That's partly the reason I was able to go and try to make the business set up. So that didn't happen and as I see it, I have 16 months to get a job. You'd have thought that we would be destitute the way Mrs. F. goes off on one. It's one of those discussions that don't go well as I go past logic and then go into mocking sarcasm and ridicule for this is what it deserves. Having many times sat down and calculated the basis of our finances and even discussed selling up and moving every now and then I get this stupid argument that somehow we are about to be moved on to the workhouse. I have to say that it really is getting to be a pointless conversation and one that I'm pretty tired of addressing every few weeks.
I could do with getting a call this week about the job that might be available as that would, I'm sure, ensure a quiet life......
Week Ahead
This time next week I'll be Master of my Lodge and all the build up and worry will be out of the way. I have to learn some words and make sure that I know them all and sort out the procedural stuff.
I will be getting ready to do my first official duty that day as an honoured guest of another Lodge. I should then be clear until September when it really gets going and there are around about 18 or more meetings to go to as an honoured guest. I'm looking forward to that very much.
I've started peeling from the sun burn from Saturday - so my forehead looks a bit grizzly at the moment.
Dad is stable and if they can just steady up his insulin and he can gain a bit of appetite maybe he can get some strength back. I'm hoping that whatever happens he hangs on until after my Installation on Saturday.
I will be getting ready to do my first official duty that day as an honoured guest of another Lodge. I should then be clear until September when it really gets going and there are around about 18 or more meetings to go to as an honoured guest. I'm looking forward to that very much.
I've started peeling from the sun burn from Saturday - so my forehead looks a bit grizzly at the moment.
Dad is stable and if they can just steady up his insulin and he can gain a bit of appetite maybe he can get some strength back. I'm hoping that whatever happens he hangs on until after my Installation on Saturday.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Ouch
My poor old head - sunburnt and sore! I wore a hat today as we went to the pub as they had a live band playing who were excellent. Had a number of beers - Jubilee - of course and had a good afternoon out. Not sure Mrs. F. was completely enamoured with the noise so I did spend some time a good few yards away with her. She and I do differ on these sort of things.
The Jubilee concert was a bit of a disappointing event though - far too middle of the road and too safe, so safe that the artists were a bit past it and couldn't hit the right notes etc. I think we do this sort of thing well but..... it just could have been so much better....
So there we have it. On top of that, dad is OK (ish). He continues to stabilise and I'm happy about that as I'm amazed that he has lasted as long as he has - and I know how utterly bad that sounds. He just isn't getting better but is stable. He has no quality of life and that's the annoying thing to me.
I'm in a funny place at the moment too. I've just got back in touch with a very old friend and she is now living back in France and occasionally the UK. She was in Singapore last time we spoke. I haven't met her since 1988 - a long time ago :-) We worked together on a global project way back then 24 years ago - I have to say it feels like only 5 years ago. Why in a funny place? Well it just doesn't seem to be that long ago and I found it quite a shock!
The Jubilee concert was a bit of a disappointing event though - far too middle of the road and too safe, so safe that the artists were a bit past it and couldn't hit the right notes etc. I think we do this sort of thing well but..... it just could have been so much better....
So there we have it. On top of that, dad is OK (ish). He continues to stabilise and I'm happy about that as I'm amazed that he has lasted as long as he has - and I know how utterly bad that sounds. He just isn't getting better but is stable. He has no quality of life and that's the annoying thing to me.
I'm in a funny place at the moment too. I've just got back in touch with a very old friend and she is now living back in France and occasionally the UK. She was in Singapore last time we spoke. I haven't met her since 1988 - a long time ago :-) We worked together on a global project way back then 24 years ago - I have to say it feels like only 5 years ago. Why in a funny place? Well it just doesn't seem to be that long ago and I found it quite a shock!
A Diamond Day Out Indeed
I was "on duty" from 9 am and got off at around 5pm - the weather was bad, very wet in the morning but mid afternoon the sun came out and there's the problem. I was dressed in a suit and had to be so to meet the Mayor and other dignitaries and hadn't thought to bring sun cream or sun block - why? Because the weather was meant to be overcast all day. I have a sun burnt face and the top of my head can hardly be touched! What a nightmare.
My dad is now under control but the ward where he has been moved to which is meant to be a specialist one is hard pushed to look after the people on it - the other wards were better at caring. My brother, something of a specialist in this area is writing to the CEO to explain the way things are to him :-)
I've also discovered that at my installation meeting (when I go into the Chair of my Lodge) next Saturday I'm expected to know my obligation and so I am in a minor panic to learn that before then! Additionally I'm pulling together some stuff for a mate of mine to see if I can get him some sales. That won't provide a living and so I'm waiting to hear from another ex-colleague about some contract work too.
My dad is now under control but the ward where he has been moved to which is meant to be a specialist one is hard pushed to look after the people on it - the other wards were better at caring. My brother, something of a specialist in this area is writing to the CEO to explain the way things are to him :-)
I've also discovered that at my installation meeting (when I go into the Chair of my Lodge) next Saturday I'm expected to know my obligation and so I am in a minor panic to learn that before then! Additionally I'm pulling together some stuff for a mate of mine to see if I can get him some sales. That won't provide a living and so I'm waiting to hear from another ex-colleague about some contract work too.
Friday, June 01, 2012
Diabetes and Bladder Cancer
This article shows a link between pioglitazone and Bladder Cancer. It wasn't that fact that startled me it was the next bit "Just over 10,000 people are diagnosed with bladder cancer every year and almost 5,000 die of it. About half die within five years of diagnosis."
That's not what I recollect at all about the disease as generally it can be treated well and any signs of progression and you can remover the bladder entirely - it just struck me that a 50% 5 year mortality rate was a bit high given the advances made in this. I'd have thought 20% in 5 years maybe but 50% looks very worrying. Mind you, the whole article looks to be written to a headline and when you look deeper into the article it starts to unravel a bit and the substance becomes diluted. The other thing is whether the 5,000 who die of it are related to the 10,000 diagnosed or are they from the 40,000 diagnosed in the 4 years before?
I'm not sure about the way things are reported any more - this seems to be a very alarming bit of information until you read the caveats and the "science" behind it.
That's not what I recollect at all about the disease as generally it can be treated well and any signs of progression and you can remover the bladder entirely - it just struck me that a 50% 5 year mortality rate was a bit high given the advances made in this. I'd have thought 20% in 5 years maybe but 50% looks very worrying. Mind you, the whole article looks to be written to a headline and when you look deeper into the article it starts to unravel a bit and the substance becomes diluted. The other thing is whether the 5,000 who die of it are related to the 10,000 diagnosed or are they from the 40,000 diagnosed in the 4 years before?
I'm not sure about the way things are reported any more - this seems to be a very alarming bit of information until you read the caveats and the "science" behind it.
Upsetting Times
I spoke to mum this morning - not good at all - she was very distressed and so I've asked her to contact my brother who is at home locally to make a few phone calls as they had to leave dad in a lot of pain last night and they aren't sure that the Hospital actually dealt with it. They seem to be in the right ward but just not have the capacity the last ward had. The worry is that things are now going on inside him that need pain control and lets hope that they can sort it out and fast.
I can only imagine what it must be like for mum having to go in every day and dad not being well and not being himself and also suffering in front of her - there's only so much you can take of course.
I can only imagine what it must be like for mum having to go in every day and dad not being well and not being himself and also suffering in front of her - there's only so much you can take of course.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Strange Place
It was with some purpose that I hit a few beers yesterday and I occasionally do this slight wobble and become ever so slightly self destructive. It is difficult to explain but it is my pressure valve and there's only so much of my "Spock like" (Star Trek not Psychologist) persona that I can work with at any one time. Somewhere along the line I need to let off steam and relieve my own pent up emotional baggage.
So just every now and then I do something to extreme. I always regret it afterwards and I always chastise myself for it but, it is in my very nature and core so I can't actually stop it as far as I know. It is rare that I go off and do these things and can probably number these on one hand in the past 10 years. I used to be worse before then and often would have a period of self doubt, a bit of drinking or solitude or something like that to try and resolve it. It's not one of my best traits :-)
I consider that I have a very level attitude to things but to be like that all the time the other stuff, the anger, frustration and reckless side need to come out somewhere - better to go and do this on my own in my own way and regret it for a short while than to explode and take out someone who most likely is an innocent in the whole thing or, as has happened before, I've given a dressing down way over the top to someone who deserved it but perhaps not when I'm at my ferocious best (worst).
Anyway - I need to explode every now and then as you can't keep the calm exterior up and you can't always be matter of fact and logical and business like - sometimes you need to vent and let off steam. At least that episode has happened now and I can concentrate on going forward now.
So just every now and then I do something to extreme. I always regret it afterwards and I always chastise myself for it but, it is in my very nature and core so I can't actually stop it as far as I know. It is rare that I go off and do these things and can probably number these on one hand in the past 10 years. I used to be worse before then and often would have a period of self doubt, a bit of drinking or solitude or something like that to try and resolve it. It's not one of my best traits :-)
I consider that I have a very level attitude to things but to be like that all the time the other stuff, the anger, frustration and reckless side need to come out somewhere - better to go and do this on my own in my own way and regret it for a short while than to explode and take out someone who most likely is an innocent in the whole thing or, as has happened before, I've given a dressing down way over the top to someone who deserved it but perhaps not when I'm at my ferocious best (worst).
Anyway - I need to explode every now and then as you can't keep the calm exterior up and you can't always be matter of fact and logical and business like - sometimes you need to vent and let off steam. At least that episode has happened now and I can concentrate on going forward now.
Pent Up Anger
I'm angry at a lot of things at the moment whilst also being calm and rationale about them too :-) Confused? Well that's the way I am, I'm annoyed that something inside me is stopping me making decisions about my life properly. There are some opportunities taking shape that might allow me to do some work on a part time basis and build some finances back into my business and perhaps allow me to start a few new things.
Something is holding me back and stopping me thinking about these sensibly. I'm having to write stuff down and rationalise it but I'm not my usual analytical self on this. There's this back of the mind nagging - not sure why or what it is saying to me but there you go :-) The Anger bit is because I'm not sure what is holding me back - is it fear, is it not wanting to "go back" - I just don't know at the moment, I imagine that I'll work it out somehow.... Just wish it would work itself out a bit faster as my brain needs to have it sorted ASAP.
Something is holding me back and stopping me thinking about these sensibly. I'm having to write stuff down and rationalise it but I'm not my usual analytical self on this. There's this back of the mind nagging - not sure why or what it is saying to me but there you go :-) The Anger bit is because I'm not sure what is holding me back - is it fear, is it not wanting to "go back" - I just don't know at the moment, I imagine that I'll work it out somehow.... Just wish it would work itself out a bit faster as my brain needs to have it sorted ASAP.
Careful - not quite in control
Of myself - I have a tendency to overdo things occasionally - today it was a few beers. I went into meltdown and just wanted to have an afternoon full of drinking beer. It was a good day for it, clear and sunny and I had a couple of beers followed by a few more. I texted Mrs. F. that I was in the pub which was a clear sign that I wanted her to actually be there to stop me and so I could go home. I know how strange that seems but I did manage to talk to her and "off load" a few of my pent up issues about my dad mainly.
It's one of the strange traits I have - every now and then I have to go out and "purge the devil" as we used to call it. It is a blatant act of self harm I think :-) I'm actually not drunk or anything I'm just annoyed that I needed to do it - but it isn't binge drinking - just a safety valve in a way.
It's one of the strange traits I have - every now and then I have to go out and "purge the devil" as we used to call it. It is a blatant act of self harm I think :-) I'm actually not drunk or anything I'm just annoyed that I needed to do it - but it isn't binge drinking - just a safety valve in a way.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Little Good News
Dad is on Insulin and they are managing to peg down his blood sugars a bit. He is doing OK and is brighter and ate a bit more and didn't sleep as much so an improvement. However, it was stressed that the hospital are only keeping him comfortable at the moment and doing what was necessary to keep him that way.
My news is interesting as one of the old businesses I used to work for suggested that I might like to come and do some work for them again. That would be interesting as I enjoyed working there before. I could do this part time or full time permanent or temporary so - I've asked to start discussions. It may not be exactly what I want but it is something I can do in the short term and see if I feel up to it long term. It was the job I was in when I was diagnosed. As my business partner said "As one door closes another one opens... that applies to old doors not just new ones..."
With the 6 years experience I now have I should be able to bring something else to the party now. I am also meeting someone else tomorrow who has an interesting proposition and so things are slowly taking shape.
My news is interesting as one of the old businesses I used to work for suggested that I might like to come and do some work for them again. That would be interesting as I enjoyed working there before. I could do this part time or full time permanent or temporary so - I've asked to start discussions. It may not be exactly what I want but it is something I can do in the short term and see if I feel up to it long term. It was the job I was in when I was diagnosed. As my business partner said "As one door closes another one opens... that applies to old doors not just new ones..."
With the 6 years experience I now have I should be able to bring something else to the party now. I am also meeting someone else tomorrow who has an interesting proposition and so things are slowly taking shape.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Change of diet for a short while
I found that I was finding it difficult coming off a cheat day back to the diet and just wasn't eating properly the day following the cheat. Last week, I actually maintained my weight despite being at my mums and whilst eating healthily I was eating all the wrong things and of course this weekend with a slap up meal on Sunday I wasn't exactly feeling ready to get back to the diet as I just don't feel like eating at all in the mornings. I've just had a brunch type meal at 11:15 and then decided it was because I ought to. It is very hot this week and so I don't tend to eat much when it is warm, perhaps that is the reason. Whatever it is, I am going to eat sensibly this week and then return to the diet in a week or so.
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