Well I actually got some stuff done this morning - not half as much as I wanted but it's a start and that's better than last week - much better. I'm still adjusting around and all sorts of things are happening which is good. It's another milestone this Friday and I'm going to have lots more information to go on following that.
I may have a little interim work which will keep me out of mischief for a few days. Just need to pull together a quote on that.
At least that's something to focus on.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Distinct lack of action going on here at the moment. Lots of words, ideas, plans and so on. Little apart from that which is a shame, I thought I'd really be able to crack on but the past week has completely thrown all my plans out of the window.
I need to get my backside into gear later today as it will be a week of great intentions but no action and I can't afford to do that again. I see Wimbledon is about to start so there'll be two weeks of chaos around the TV here. I'm not overly fussed so can leave the team down stairs watching.
So actions - definitely that's what is needed I just need to do them that's all :-)
I need to get my backside into gear later today as it will be a week of great intentions but no action and I can't afford to do that again. I see Wimbledon is about to start so there'll be two weeks of chaos around the TV here. I'm not overly fussed so can leave the team down stairs watching.
So actions - definitely that's what is needed I just need to do them that's all :-)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Happiness
Happiness, felicity (state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy), (emotions experienced when in a state of well-being). I touched on this earlier in the week.
There are some words used in Freemasonry. They exhort us to be happy and communicate happiness from generation to generation (it is part of a much bigger narrative and hence I've paraphrased it a bit).
I've not been 'happy' for a very long time, not joyful or content. Not that I've experienced anything in the opposite end apart from the horrible depressions and times of the Black Dog now, hopefully, a thing of the distant black past. I liken it to going to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. A really dark and fearful place inhabited by creatures willing only to keep you there or drag you down to their level. I'm past that horrible stuff but am I happy with well, me?
Even though I've been better and felt much better than when I was ill etc I can't actually claim to have ever reached a state of happiness or contentment. Probably on the way, beginning to feel better and so on but I've never got back to a contented state of mind. It's only been this past week where things have diametrically changed for me. I'm on my way to being really happy and contented and whilst I'm not there yet it has taken years of faffing around and missed opportunities, wrong avenues, hard knocks and loss of general direction and control.
The sweeping landscape of emotions have been explored ad nauseum and I've gone up the peaks and into the valleys experiencing the highs and lows and for what? If there's no payoff in the future no goal no horizon then what are you doing it for? There's been no strategy at all no wanting to get somewhere other than to be well again. There have been a few tactical moves - getting a bolthole job when I was recovering and having treatment. It wasn't me and there was the terrible mistake of trying to get into a high impact business when the damn thing never existed. I'm very proud of our last venture though, if anything should have been funded for is societal impact it should be what we produced. Failure (if that is what you understand as a measure) was always an option disappointing as it was we should be very proud that we professionally knew exactly when to call it a day. That effort would have changed things around the world for the most disadvantaged members of the human race. Naively I felt that it would be something that could be picked up for good however, there's lots of mileage in suppressing half the world - that's the way of it - I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to.
So the Bladder Cancer Journey has many roads and ways you can go but I've been like a rudderless ship without direction, no compass and no goal set.
I set the early on goal - surviving and battling (although never sure I liked that word) and then I was better. Then there was the fallout (depression and fatigue - just like you've fought a battle of your life) and maybe just maybe at that point it was all about tactics, move from one short goal to the next one. I should know better - what do I do for a living? I'm a Business and IT Program Manager FFS! But then it is often so that a Plumber's House is always in need of some pipework being finished or a tap washer changed :-) I've been looking down at my feet all this time and not up at the horizon.
This week has all been about this revelation to me - not to others I suppose. Where do you want to get to? Setting the vision is actually the important thing. How you get there is what I'm wrestling with now as I do feel that there is no chance of getting to the goal without hurting someone. Something that I do is bound to hurt someone somewhere. I care a lot about not hurting others but at some point in time I need to do what is right for me. What on earth was the point of surviving cancer if at the end of it you don't enjoy it, you don't take advantage of the second chance you've got. Many, many people didn't get the opportunity to have that choice did they?
So as things unravel here and I disassemble and reassemble them we will see what on earth comes along. At once I felt that things are going to wonderful for me, something great is coming along, I will be lifted out of the doldrums of the past 7 years and find some purpose and some reason to finally pick myself up and rebuild my life. You can put up loads of things as that horizon point, you can want wealth, power and you can yearn for material things me? Me, all I want is to enjoy my life and feel that it has all been worthwhile that the period of illness is behind me, that I can get on with my life and that life isn't any reflection on my past life of all work, high stress and all that stuff. I keep coming back to my argument which is - Why shouldn't I be able to be happy and approach a state of happiness surely after 7 years I've earnt it?
There are some words used in Freemasonry. They exhort us to be happy and communicate happiness from generation to generation (it is part of a much bigger narrative and hence I've paraphrased it a bit).
I've not been 'happy' for a very long time, not joyful or content. Not that I've experienced anything in the opposite end apart from the horrible depressions and times of the Black Dog now, hopefully, a thing of the distant black past. I liken it to going to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. A really dark and fearful place inhabited by creatures willing only to keep you there or drag you down to their level. I'm past that horrible stuff but am I happy with well, me?
Even though I've been better and felt much better than when I was ill etc I can't actually claim to have ever reached a state of happiness or contentment. Probably on the way, beginning to feel better and so on but I've never got back to a contented state of mind. It's only been this past week where things have diametrically changed for me. I'm on my way to being really happy and contented and whilst I'm not there yet it has taken years of faffing around and missed opportunities, wrong avenues, hard knocks and loss of general direction and control.
The sweeping landscape of emotions have been explored ad nauseum and I've gone up the peaks and into the valleys experiencing the highs and lows and for what? If there's no payoff in the future no goal no horizon then what are you doing it for? There's been no strategy at all no wanting to get somewhere other than to be well again. There have been a few tactical moves - getting a bolthole job when I was recovering and having treatment. It wasn't me and there was the terrible mistake of trying to get into a high impact business when the damn thing never existed. I'm very proud of our last venture though, if anything should have been funded for is societal impact it should be what we produced. Failure (if that is what you understand as a measure) was always an option disappointing as it was we should be very proud that we professionally knew exactly when to call it a day. That effort would have changed things around the world for the most disadvantaged members of the human race. Naively I felt that it would be something that could be picked up for good however, there's lots of mileage in suppressing half the world - that's the way of it - I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to.
So the Bladder Cancer Journey has many roads and ways you can go but I've been like a rudderless ship without direction, no compass and no goal set.
I set the early on goal - surviving and battling (although never sure I liked that word) and then I was better. Then there was the fallout (depression and fatigue - just like you've fought a battle of your life) and maybe just maybe at that point it was all about tactics, move from one short goal to the next one. I should know better - what do I do for a living? I'm a Business and IT Program Manager FFS! But then it is often so that a Plumber's House is always in need of some pipework being finished or a tap washer changed :-) I've been looking down at my feet all this time and not up at the horizon.
This week has all been about this revelation to me - not to others I suppose. Where do you want to get to? Setting the vision is actually the important thing. How you get there is what I'm wrestling with now as I do feel that there is no chance of getting to the goal without hurting someone. Something that I do is bound to hurt someone somewhere. I care a lot about not hurting others but at some point in time I need to do what is right for me. What on earth was the point of surviving cancer if at the end of it you don't enjoy it, you don't take advantage of the second chance you've got. Many, many people didn't get the opportunity to have that choice did they?
So as things unravel here and I disassemble and reassemble them we will see what on earth comes along. At once I felt that things are going to wonderful for me, something great is coming along, I will be lifted out of the doldrums of the past 7 years and find some purpose and some reason to finally pick myself up and rebuild my life. You can put up loads of things as that horizon point, you can want wealth, power and you can yearn for material things me? Me, all I want is to enjoy my life and feel that it has all been worthwhile that the period of illness is behind me, that I can get on with my life and that life isn't any reflection on my past life of all work, high stress and all that stuff. I keep coming back to my argument which is - Why shouldn't I be able to be happy and approach a state of happiness surely after 7 years I've earnt it?
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Been A Week Of Reflections And Actions
This time last week, things started to get weird and strange and my life changed almost in an instant. An instant that had been coming for some time. Finally there was a catalyst and bang - everything became clear and life took on new meaning and a new purpose and at the same time I realised that to accept this new life this new me this change in direction I needed to make radical changes to the way I think, act and behave because it requires a radical rethink of where I was this time last week to where I am now. Following me so far?
I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem. Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end. I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them. I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.
The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form. I rarely put my foot down or demand anything. Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others. It's my turn to take control and to run with it.
It feels good and frightening all at the same time. I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.
I remember discussing, quite early on in this blog the victim and the survivor problem. Things like how you have great guilt surviving cancer, that you are the victim as are those around you that casualties exist that you lose and you gain friends and that there would be collateral damage in the end. I've not changed my views I still hold to them and what struck me this week is that I've known this day (these days) were going to come along, that I would need to make a choice and that choice would be the right one for me but in many ways it wouldn't be the right choice for them. I'd do something for myself, to please myself and that would either annoy or upset other people.
The reason it is a problem is that I am normally the one who will concede to keep the peace, who will negotiate and move positions to help a consensus form. I rarely put my foot down or demand anything. Now, I've got to a position where I want to do something for myself at last, where my well-being comes before all others. It's my turn to take control and to run with it.
It feels good and frightening all at the same time. I'm glad I made the choice and whilst I'm not sure of the ultimate consequences of that choice other than what I think may happen there is one thing and that is that I should stick by my decisions good or bad - it is ultimately about me and what I want, where I go in the future and for me to perhaps be finally free of the bonds that hold me and to be free.
Diet Takes A Further Tweak
I've now started to concentrate on getting a higher fat content with my meals so today included, a 3 egg scrambled egg made with butter. Lunch was a bit of cheese and I had a drop more cheese and a home made burger with some vegetables. That's it today - feel quite satiated and also hope that this now kick starts Ketosis and starts me burning some fat. Exercises this week starting on Monday I hope. Aerobic and Anaerobic ones - I need to work at losing the next slab of weight.
Very happy with my almost flat tummy now tough apart from my trousers are slipping down and don't fit properly at all - it looks amusing with me pulling the damn things up every now and then. I feel a lot fitter too which is a huge bonus. Noticed my skin is OK and all around everything is fine. My only bitch is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated which it shouldn't be. Maybe next week I can use the exercise and in doing so maybe reduce the stress levels a bit. I'm causing the stress myself with all these changes so you know, I'll just have to deal with it.
So moving towards the higher fat content of the diet so far has meant that I have eaten less food but feel just as satiated. Cool.
Very happy with my almost flat tummy now tough apart from my trousers are slipping down and don't fit properly at all - it looks amusing with me pulling the damn things up every now and then. I feel a lot fitter too which is a huge bonus. Noticed my skin is OK and all around everything is fine. My only bitch is that my blood pressure is slightly elevated which it shouldn't be. Maybe next week I can use the exercise and in doing so maybe reduce the stress levels a bit. I'm causing the stress myself with all these changes so you know, I'll just have to deal with it.
So moving towards the higher fat content of the diet so far has meant that I have eaten less food but feel just as satiated. Cool.
It's Hard Work Getting To Like Yourself Again
I found myself wondering about this a short while ago. I hadn't realised that I almost loathed myself and had a very low opinion of who I was and how I and other people saw me. I'd already made a huge judgement call and my opinion of myself was of a bit of a loser, a sort of geek and someone who frankly you'd be well advised not to be around. Doesn't sound like me at all does it? In many ways I hadn't realised that I carried around this 'picture' of myself as this low down dirt trodden sort of guy.
Quite how it came about isn't clear as I don't recollect me building this obnoxious and odorous character at all. But I've always been relatively quiet and almost shy with new people and those I don't know well and it was blindingly obvious that I needed to do something about this. I doubt I can actually change my personality type very much - it's after all what makes me, me. But I did determine to do something about it and with some help am slowly building up my self esteem and self belief. It's strange but I'm rather beginning to enjoy this slightly improved me :-)
I found myself singing along to some music earlier and just being much lighter and funnier in the house. Small steps but I can't remember the last time I sang (I have a very fine voice I'll have you know)! There's more to come I'm certain, it's just a matter of building up your confidence a little at a time. I like the EFT technique - it seems to just help focus on positive thoughts whilst tackling and removing negative ones. It looks a bit bizarre and amusing but get yourself in a room alone and do a short burst of this and enjoy. Deep breathing works too and I find myself struggling to just control myself (at the moment feeling stressed and having slight breathing spasms) and so do some deep breathing. I tend to sit, breath in a big breath through my nose and when full hold my breath for 1 and 2 and 3 seconds then slowly breath out through the mouth. I do this for between 5 and 10 breaths. Normally after that things are much calmer.
Do the two together and it doesn't take long just to calm down and then start to feel good about yourself again. Mind you it isn't easy, I still get negative thoughts about myself and my circumstances but at least now I won't be seeing myself in such a bad light and then consciously or otherwise affect the way I see and deal with people and how they deal with me.
Quite how it came about isn't clear as I don't recollect me building this obnoxious and odorous character at all. But I've always been relatively quiet and almost shy with new people and those I don't know well and it was blindingly obvious that I needed to do something about this. I doubt I can actually change my personality type very much - it's after all what makes me, me. But I did determine to do something about it and with some help am slowly building up my self esteem and self belief. It's strange but I'm rather beginning to enjoy this slightly improved me :-)
I found myself singing along to some music earlier and just being much lighter and funnier in the house. Small steps but I can't remember the last time I sang (I have a very fine voice I'll have you know)! There's more to come I'm certain, it's just a matter of building up your confidence a little at a time. I like the EFT technique - it seems to just help focus on positive thoughts whilst tackling and removing negative ones. It looks a bit bizarre and amusing but get yourself in a room alone and do a short burst of this and enjoy. Deep breathing works too and I find myself struggling to just control myself (at the moment feeling stressed and having slight breathing spasms) and so do some deep breathing. I tend to sit, breath in a big breath through my nose and when full hold my breath for 1 and 2 and 3 seconds then slowly breath out through the mouth. I do this for between 5 and 10 breaths. Normally after that things are much calmer.
Do the two together and it doesn't take long just to calm down and then start to feel good about yourself again. Mind you it isn't easy, I still get negative thoughts about myself and my circumstances but at least now I won't be seeing myself in such a bad light and then consciously or otherwise affect the way I see and deal with people and how they deal with me.
Flat Morning After Cheat Day
I did have a fair few beers last night which was good - enjoyed the whole evening was nice to go out with some of my closest (nearly typed closet) friends and have a drink, a chat and a nice meal. The pudding alone tasted like it had a bag of sugar in it :-) With all the coffee I also drank and the fact that I didn't really get to bed until around 3 (I know I was on the PC and got engrossed) this morning was a bit rough when at 7:20 the postman managed to find the bell on the house and rang it rather too enthusiastically for my liking :-) So with about 4 hours sleep I was up and awake and I can't say I was particularly bright and bushy tailed at all.
Never mind, am a very happy chappy these days and had some luck last night which means we may have an opportunity to get the business started much quicker that imagined. We will see but if it does come about then perhaps I can see a way of making a living coming along - let's hope so. That would be great.
My life really has changed beyond all recognition this week which is also great and Finally I am starting to feel good about myself and am rebuilding my confidence and my self esteem. Long may that continue. I've been giving myself such a hard time I'm always 'on my case' but I don't need to be now. Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) perhaps ought to be the motto from here on in? SO that's the theory - now to put it into practice a bit more.
Never mind, am a very happy chappy these days and had some luck last night which means we may have an opportunity to get the business started much quicker that imagined. We will see but if it does come about then perhaps I can see a way of making a living coming along - let's hope so. That would be great.
My life really has changed beyond all recognition this week which is also great and Finally I am starting to feel good about myself and am rebuilding my confidence and my self esteem. Long may that continue. I've been giving myself such a hard time I'm always 'on my case' but I don't need to be now. Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) perhaps ought to be the motto from here on in? SO that's the theory - now to put it into practice a bit more.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Cheat Day Comes Early
Decided as we are out for a Curry and it would be rude, nay churlish of me, not to imbibe in that great, ancient and noble activity of consuming alcohol lovingly made by artisans for thousands of years and taxed mercilessly by thieving successive Governments. So be it, I SHALL stand up, take one for the team and have at least one pint of Cask Conditioned (yes OK US friends, warm) true English Ale :-)
Then go and stuff my face full of what they call Indian food which is actually nothing like true Indian food but made for the Western taste. Not that after 8 pints of lager your average punter can taste anything but the hottest chillies anyway!
So cheat day is well underway already. I finished off some sweets left over from Father's Day and even had a Skinny Cappuccino with Flocky Bicep :-)
Today I'm beginning to feel a lot better about myself, have been really struggling with an inner battle over what to do now and in the future and what I really want to do. The struggle is that there's the sensible thing to do, there's the logical thing to do, there's the stupid thing to do, there's the thing that you'd like to do but you're not sure it's the right thing to do because it isn't clear if it is right or it is wrong. There's all the other things too like whether it hurts other people, whether they'd mind anyway and loads of other stuff to sift through.
The problem lies here, do I please myself and myself only and sod the consequences and just look after numero uno? That's not me is it? Anyone who knows me would know that I take a while to come to a decision and it normally involves everyone and sometimes to my exclusion or to my detriment. It's not me to leave a trail of damage lying behind me through paths of devastation that I've caused. It doesn't happen I normally leave the ground undisturbed.
I fear that what's going through my mind will cause some pain to other people and that's what holds me back and what is halting my ability to choose. I've not given you all the facts, I alone should know these, I just present the problems that lie in choosing the right course, the right thing to do and a reasonable way forward.
It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. There's arguments for and against but to be truly happy in yourself you may have to hurt people around you. Or the other side may be to keep everyone happy and be hurt for the rest of my own life?
Whoa - heavy stuff :-) Like Neo in the Matrix, "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth - nothing more."
So do I have a choice or has fate made it for me? Do I injure people myself or is that through my actions or my inactions? Do I make a choice now, wait, spend time and evaluate, analyse and then decide? What on earth do I do now?
It all looks very strange and life's full of uncertainty and it is full of things that happen to you that impact on your course down it's road. Bladder Cancer smashed into my life in 2006 and whilst I knew things would be different, I didn't expect them to be quite like they turned out to be, how could I, none of us know the future. From a planned life I went off on some huge wind driven tacks which have added knowledge and experience but haven't brought me anywhere near to being happy with myself and who I am. It robbed me of my self confidence, my self esteem and when down and low it kicked ten bells of crap out of me whilst I was there.
Only now, 7 years later am I finally getting out of the dark place it put me and only now do I see that perhaps I can finally put this all behind me, rebuild, move on, get some purpose in life and get the hell away from where I was. "It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark" the saying goes and there are plenty of examples like that but few people take the advice, me included.
I'm finally fed up of being down and gloomy, having been beaten up and poorly, having stuff stuck into me and what is it 11 operations in 7 years and 36 shots of BCG Immunotherapy. Sure it has saved my life and I'm here to tell the tale but the down side is how rubbish you feel about yourself and everything around you. It's time for a change, it's time to take charge and it's time to make decisions and what's holding me back? How I'd impact other people's lives - at once my greatest asset and my greatest downfall. I rarely, if ever, make a decision based on what I want to happen without assessing the impact on others and how I'd make them feel.
That's the struggle going on in me and I'll struggle with it, as I must, on my own, as I must, until I reach a conclusion and act on it. It's never going to be the right decision whatever I do so in some ways I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
There's one huge benefit from all this internal wrangling and that is at last, through recent fascinating and quite wonderful events my self belief, confidence and esteem are coming back. I am beginning to believe in myself again and I hope that continues as I will need all my strength in the coming months to take big decisions and carry them through.
Then go and stuff my face full of what they call Indian food which is actually nothing like true Indian food but made for the Western taste. Not that after 8 pints of lager your average punter can taste anything but the hottest chillies anyway!
So cheat day is well underway already. I finished off some sweets left over from Father's Day and even had a Skinny Cappuccino with Flocky Bicep :-)
Today I'm beginning to feel a lot better about myself, have been really struggling with an inner battle over what to do now and in the future and what I really want to do. The struggle is that there's the sensible thing to do, there's the logical thing to do, there's the stupid thing to do, there's the thing that you'd like to do but you're not sure it's the right thing to do because it isn't clear if it is right or it is wrong. There's all the other things too like whether it hurts other people, whether they'd mind anyway and loads of other stuff to sift through.
The problem lies here, do I please myself and myself only and sod the consequences and just look after numero uno? That's not me is it? Anyone who knows me would know that I take a while to come to a decision and it normally involves everyone and sometimes to my exclusion or to my detriment. It's not me to leave a trail of damage lying behind me through paths of devastation that I've caused. It doesn't happen I normally leave the ground undisturbed.
I fear that what's going through my mind will cause some pain to other people and that's what holds me back and what is halting my ability to choose. I've not given you all the facts, I alone should know these, I just present the problems that lie in choosing the right course, the right thing to do and a reasonable way forward.
It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. There's arguments for and against but to be truly happy in yourself you may have to hurt people around you. Or the other side may be to keep everyone happy and be hurt for the rest of my own life?
Whoa - heavy stuff :-) Like Neo in the Matrix, "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth - nothing more."
So do I have a choice or has fate made it for me? Do I injure people myself or is that through my actions or my inactions? Do I make a choice now, wait, spend time and evaluate, analyse and then decide? What on earth do I do now?
It all looks very strange and life's full of uncertainty and it is full of things that happen to you that impact on your course down it's road. Bladder Cancer smashed into my life in 2006 and whilst I knew things would be different, I didn't expect them to be quite like they turned out to be, how could I, none of us know the future. From a planned life I went off on some huge wind driven tacks which have added knowledge and experience but haven't brought me anywhere near to being happy with myself and who I am. It robbed me of my self confidence, my self esteem and when down and low it kicked ten bells of crap out of me whilst I was there.
Only now, 7 years later am I finally getting out of the dark place it put me and only now do I see that perhaps I can finally put this all behind me, rebuild, move on, get some purpose in life and get the hell away from where I was. "It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark" the saying goes and there are plenty of examples like that but few people take the advice, me included.
I'm finally fed up of being down and gloomy, having been beaten up and poorly, having stuff stuck into me and what is it 11 operations in 7 years and 36 shots of BCG Immunotherapy. Sure it has saved my life and I'm here to tell the tale but the down side is how rubbish you feel about yourself and everything around you. It's time for a change, it's time to take charge and it's time to make decisions and what's holding me back? How I'd impact other people's lives - at once my greatest asset and my greatest downfall. I rarely, if ever, make a decision based on what I want to happen without assessing the impact on others and how I'd make them feel.
That's the struggle going on in me and I'll struggle with it, as I must, on my own, as I must, until I reach a conclusion and act on it. It's never going to be the right decision whatever I do so in some ways I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
There's one huge benefit from all this internal wrangling and that is at last, through recent fascinating and quite wonderful events my self belief, confidence and esteem are coming back. I am beginning to believe in myself again and I hope that continues as I will need all my strength in the coming months to take big decisions and carry them through.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Yes - So My Stress Levels Are Elevated
I know I'm keeping very enigmatic these days and it is a case of having and wanting to do that. I can talk in general terms about things though and one of those is my high blood pressure. It isn't off the scale it is elevated to be something like 140 over 90 which is a little higher than I like at about 120 over 80 ideally or 130 over 90. I attribute it to some quite high stress levels at the moment and also an impact to my system. I've talked about letting go of the older me and that is so much easier said than done.
I'm trying to chill out but the old me isn't having any of it so it is a constant struggle to work on my breathing, my blood pressure and my concentrations levels which are total pants this week. I have sat in front of this PC for hours at a time and not got a stroke of work done, that's how bad this week has been. Hopefully tomorrow I can relax, meet some very good friends and just chill out - I really need it - I've been hyper all week.
I'm perhaps about to make one of the most significant changes in my life very shortly and this is all building up to and surrounding that. Gosh it sounds important doesn't it? It is, very important and hence the worry the concern the inability to concentrate and the lack of sleep, getting anything done and the complete lack of arriving at a suitable way forward. :-)
Sure tomorrow will help me settle things down to an acceptable level.
I'm trying to chill out but the old me isn't having any of it so it is a constant struggle to work on my breathing, my blood pressure and my concentrations levels which are total pants this week. I have sat in front of this PC for hours at a time and not got a stroke of work done, that's how bad this week has been. Hopefully tomorrow I can relax, meet some very good friends and just chill out - I really need it - I've been hyper all week.
I'm perhaps about to make one of the most significant changes in my life very shortly and this is all building up to and surrounding that. Gosh it sounds important doesn't it? It is, very important and hence the worry the concern the inability to concentrate and the lack of sleep, getting anything done and the complete lack of arriving at a suitable way forward. :-)
Sure tomorrow will help me settle things down to an acceptable level.
Blood Glucose Levels
well I've done about 4 weeks worth of measurements now. There's only one reading that is high and that was the morning after cheat day which may explain it. Generally figures of around 4 or 5 mmol/L which isn't too bad as far as I can ascertain.
I have slightly plateaued in my weight loss at the moment and I've made a few more adjustments to my diet to see if I can change that and as of early next week I am going back to do regular exercise after making myself bleed - silly sod I am - so slowly return to that but it appears that may not be that necessary whereas bringing myself down to a lower blood glucose level and into a better state of ketosis may well kick start things again.
I can't complain it is now 5 months in to the regime. I'm 3 stone lighter, am about 3 or 4 inches lighter around my waist, a few inches off my chest and my thighs and around my arse my shirt collar is also a couple of inches less but needs a bit more work. So can't complain, although I'm going to :-) No not really!
Taken from the Diet Doctor Web Site, and here is the section on weight loss. I am going to try and get to the area in point 14 of this page.
Now I'm still also following the 4HB Tim Ferriss regime and having the one day off a week as a cheat day. For example I'm out tomorrow with some friends and I will drink beer which will spike my insulin levels but also there will be bread and stuff, rice and the like for the curry to follow so I'll make tomorrow my cheat day. I'm beginning to wonder whether I keep cheat day quite as heavily shocking to my system as I do at the moment - for example I will eat bread, sweets, have quite a bit of cake and all that bad stuff. I wonder whether the real thing would be just to keep on the High Fat, Low Carbohydrate diet and just indulge once in a rare while. It's not as if after all this time I crave for anything and yet I do really miss having beer which I do enjoy and I think that the once a week rule may be OK for that. I've adapted to drinking Red Wine during the rest of the week and I'm also practising drinking water in a pub - I know - what am I like???
I have to say though that I have begun to feel extremely well and I don't think I have a pair of trousers that fit - I need to go and pull out all the ones I put away a few years ago. My nice shirts now fit me like a glove which is also great news - I do like wearing them, they are really nice quality ones and make you feel good. Of course, up until now I couldn't get into them or the collars wouldn't do up! Now that is resolved as whilst I've still got traces of a belly it has started to tighten and there is plenty of room for the shirt to hang normally without pulling at the buttons!
I am keeping a monitor on my blood sugars and will have a series of charts to "discuss" with the Doctor. I've yet to restart my urine testing which again I might do next week to coincide with starting the exercise regime. Hopefully there won't be any traces of blood left which is the main thing. All other readings are well within normal.
Worryingly my blood pressure is up which is surprising given how much weight I've lost and all but it is presently a bit of a stress filled time at the moment and once I control myself with some EFT and a bit of deep breathing it does appear to come down to around normal. So I'm making sure that I continue to monitor and adapt on that. I'm still taking some Baking Soda in the mornings and although I haven't done so recently have been taking the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) mixture. I did see that I might be able to use the Flax Seed Oil with Balsamic Vinegar so I might give that a go.
Slowly - I should be able to build back to some more activity starting next week and I hope to pull myself up out of where I am at the moment.
I have slightly plateaued in my weight loss at the moment and I've made a few more adjustments to my diet to see if I can change that and as of early next week I am going back to do regular exercise after making myself bleed - silly sod I am - so slowly return to that but it appears that may not be that necessary whereas bringing myself down to a lower blood glucose level and into a better state of ketosis may well kick start things again.
I can't complain it is now 5 months in to the regime. I'm 3 stone lighter, am about 3 or 4 inches lighter around my waist, a few inches off my chest and my thighs and around my arse my shirt collar is also a couple of inches less but needs a bit more work. So can't complain, although I'm going to :-) No not really!
Taken from the Diet Doctor Web Site, and here is the section on weight loss. I am going to try and get to the area in point 14 of this page.
Now I'm still also following the 4HB Tim Ferriss regime and having the one day off a week as a cheat day. For example I'm out tomorrow with some friends and I will drink beer which will spike my insulin levels but also there will be bread and stuff, rice and the like for the curry to follow so I'll make tomorrow my cheat day. I'm beginning to wonder whether I keep cheat day quite as heavily shocking to my system as I do at the moment - for example I will eat bread, sweets, have quite a bit of cake and all that bad stuff. I wonder whether the real thing would be just to keep on the High Fat, Low Carbohydrate diet and just indulge once in a rare while. It's not as if after all this time I crave for anything and yet I do really miss having beer which I do enjoy and I think that the once a week rule may be OK for that. I've adapted to drinking Red Wine during the rest of the week and I'm also practising drinking water in a pub - I know - what am I like???
I have to say though that I have begun to feel extremely well and I don't think I have a pair of trousers that fit - I need to go and pull out all the ones I put away a few years ago. My nice shirts now fit me like a glove which is also great news - I do like wearing them, they are really nice quality ones and make you feel good. Of course, up until now I couldn't get into them or the collars wouldn't do up! Now that is resolved as whilst I've still got traces of a belly it has started to tighten and there is plenty of room for the shirt to hang normally without pulling at the buttons!
I am keeping a monitor on my blood sugars and will have a series of charts to "discuss" with the Doctor. I've yet to restart my urine testing which again I might do next week to coincide with starting the exercise regime. Hopefully there won't be any traces of blood left which is the main thing. All other readings are well within normal.
Worryingly my blood pressure is up which is surprising given how much weight I've lost and all but it is presently a bit of a stress filled time at the moment and once I control myself with some EFT and a bit of deep breathing it does appear to come down to around normal. So I'm making sure that I continue to monitor and adapt on that. I'm still taking some Baking Soda in the mornings and although I haven't done so recently have been taking the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese (FOCC) mixture. I did see that I might be able to use the Flax Seed Oil with Balsamic Vinegar so I might give that a go.
Slowly - I should be able to build back to some more activity starting next week and I hope to pull myself up out of where I am at the moment.
Come On Shake Yourself Out Of This
I'm just not doing anything at the moment apart from listening to music and reminiscing and getting chewed up by regrets of the past - well I think that is what it is. I am completely preoccupied at the moment but just wrapped up in myself and whilst I said I didn't want to over analyse things what is actually happening is my mind is playing out lots and lots of scenarios and ifs and buts. Now it is exactly what I didn't want to happen but I can't help it. I'm overloaded with ideas, scenarios, huge doubts, huge highs and swooping lows :-)
I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on. It's a great and a horrible place to be. Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny. :-)
I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine. Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.
So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me. All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway. It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever. What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.
At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning. Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see? Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)
Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here. Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control. It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.
It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone. Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.
I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase. We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:
I'm reading things into stuff like the lyrics of music - why did I play that particular track and so on. It's a great and a horrible place to be. Up ahead is a bright light and a glowing horizon something to reach out for and grasp to go and achieve to find myself to attain one with myself and the world around me to (oops Star Wars cliche alert!!) fulfil my destiny. :-)
I feel like Johnny Mneumonic with a head that's overloaded with data - I kind of think I'm a little more articulate than Keanu Reeves :-) Sorry mate loved you in the Matrix and Constantine. Don't hold yer breath for an Oscar - nuff said.
So right back to Johnny Mneumonic for a moment - the thing to do is really not to have so much data logged in my head, to not be analytical and explore every possibility but to just let it all go and let myself be swept up and go where it takes me. All the thought all the schemes aren't going to be what will actually happens anyway. It will be what it will be it will be fate, karma or whatever. What's happening is that I'm not letting go even though I know that (intuitively) is the right thing to do and just let myself go with the flow.
At the moment it's like a epic struggle in my body and my head like good over evil only I think good (letting go) isn't winning. Maybe this is the twist in the plot you always see? Clint Eastwood always gets beaten to within an inch of his life before he recovers and comes and seeks his revenge :-)
Out with the boys tomorrow afternoon will be with a couple of my very best friends who will help me out here. Need all the help I can get at the moment I have never ever been so out of control. By that I mean I think I should be out of control but I'm fighting not to give up my control. It all goes so against all my natural instincts even though I think it is the right way to go.
It's all a little oblique and it's all very confusing and way, way, way outside of my comfort zone. Cheat day arrives early tomorrow and so beer will be available and as Homer SImpson and appear to agree, Beer is the source and solution to ALL of life's problems.
I believe this is an ancient Chinese (maybe Japanese) phrase. We used to use it a lot when I was working in the Engineering Game and was about to have to go and rescue another job and meet a very p*ssed off customer:
"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times."
Exactly
Car Alarm Problems
I don't know what it is but every now and then the Jag alarm goes off. It never does this during the day or early evening, oh no, It went off at around 2 am and then again at 3 and then about 4.
No rhyme of reason I could see. It's a bit of a sprint to get out of bed, get dressing gown on, get around the bed and my two exercise machines, down the stairs into the Kitchen where the key is, back to the door and blip the remote then to pull the front door key out and go reset the damn thing (the engine needs to be started) do a full check of the outside etc.
My guess is there is some small critter inside that's fluttering about or perhaps something outside (maybe a bit bigger) and that's triggered it off. Whatever it is, it's a bloody nuisance but I should be able to sprint against Usain Bolt as long as they use a Jag Alarm to start the race and not a gun :-)
In other matters I'm having a pretty wobbly week all around - so much happening and so much to happen still to come.
No rhyme of reason I could see. It's a bit of a sprint to get out of bed, get dressing gown on, get around the bed and my two exercise machines, down the stairs into the Kitchen where the key is, back to the door and blip the remote then to pull the front door key out and go reset the damn thing (the engine needs to be started) do a full check of the outside etc.
My guess is there is some small critter inside that's fluttering about or perhaps something outside (maybe a bit bigger) and that's triggered it off. Whatever it is, it's a bloody nuisance but I should be able to sprint against Usain Bolt as long as they use a Jag Alarm to start the race and not a gun :-)
In other matters I'm having a pretty wobbly week all around - so much happening and so much to happen still to come.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Lord, Please Give Me Patience
And give it to me NOW!!!!
I'm old enough to know better - I want things to happen right now I want to be back in control and that isn't going to happen and I have to get used to it. A lifetime of being in control of all things and suddenly it is all out of my hands - nothing I can do but to tag along and go for the ride and hope that it goes where I want it to.
Damn I hate not being in control.
I'm old enough to know better - I want things to happen right now I want to be back in control and that isn't going to happen and I have to get used to it. A lifetime of being in control of all things and suddenly it is all out of my hands - nothing I can do but to tag along and go for the ride and hope that it goes where I want it to.
Damn I hate not being in control.
Right Off We Go
Can't get started this morning and trying to throw the fudge out of my brain. Had a 24 hour epiphany and stupid old head it's trying to over analyse the unanalysable (oh right that is a real word!). Part of this change is about trying to stop doing that - I always go to town and analyse stuff and do loads of research and sometimes I knew the answer when I set off on the journey.
Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once. So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)
So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-) Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time. Am in two places at once. Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations. The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought. Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself. I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer. It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.
I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do. I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way. After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.
So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)
Trying to let my heart (although that is a muscle and not really capable of decision making) rule the day for once. So whether that's the hemispheres of my brain fighting it out I don't know - my second Americano following an earlier Espresso do not seem to have done anymore that set of palpitations going in my chest :-)
So this new me it's just there under the surface and it's fighting with its older more boring brother for dominance :-) Rome wasn't built in a day so I'd better be patient and take this one day at a time. Am in two places at once. Perhaps the happiest I've been for years and also perhaps the saddest, yet alright with myself about both situations. The biggest rut to get out of is the rut you're in and when bladder cancer came and took all my self confidence and self esteem away it also made me far more insular than I thought. Time now to start building belief in myself and start to think well of myself. I realised just how much I loathed myself and my existence - hardly the way I should be celebrating having survived cancer. It should be a celebration and enjoyment of life, I've always known that I should do this but to date never got the chance to practice what I knew to be a way forward.
I thought of this just as I was writing which sort of sums it up nicely "I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either!" I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing myself a bit more and if that means going against a few deep seated principles then maybe that's what I've got to do. I've always thought about my actions and making sure they were right for everyone and ensuring that compromise was the way. After all it was my job to make the unpleasant more palatable as a Project Manager and agent of change.
So I'm having to leave common sense, logic and emotion to have a three way death match in my head - may the best one win that's all I hope... :-)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Recurring Emotional State
I'm never certain about what the hell the experience actually did in terms of screwing up my internal systems and shooting my hormones to pieces. The years of what could only be looked at as Post Traumatic Stress and the huge fatigues are gone but there's still this urge to just break down and cry.
I've wondered if it is because I've never let it out apart from on this blog and then only edited. The internal scream has never surfaced and never been heard and whilst I know I did feel sorry for myself I never did grieve or just let it all out.
I learnt something today and that was just how powerful emotions can be. I've never felt quite so terrified and excited at the same time so in charge and out of control :-) I'm alive, I can bring it all together now and move on. It is something that has been missing in my life for many years and I can't even begin to tell you how hopeful I am that this will finally sort me out.
Life just changed lanes, directions and road types today - finally, finally something to build on and move away from these horrible 7 or so years. Yes it will be 7 years on July 2nd, where does the time go? I feel I've been building on sand these past 6 or more years and now maybe, just maybe and please please please let it be so that things will turn around and I can move on. Let me build on rock and get the hell out of the place I've been and can still see in my rear view mirrors.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I've had tears in my eyes all day just there in the corner. I might say it is hay fever or a bit of dust but really they are tears of hope and joy and perhaps having found that missing piece I have been looking for for so long.
I've wondered if it is because I've never let it out apart from on this blog and then only edited. The internal scream has never surfaced and never been heard and whilst I know I did feel sorry for myself I never did grieve or just let it all out.
I learnt something today and that was just how powerful emotions can be. I've never felt quite so terrified and excited at the same time so in charge and out of control :-) I'm alive, I can bring it all together now and move on. It is something that has been missing in my life for many years and I can't even begin to tell you how hopeful I am that this will finally sort me out.
Life just changed lanes, directions and road types today - finally, finally something to build on and move away from these horrible 7 or so years. Yes it will be 7 years on July 2nd, where does the time go? I feel I've been building on sand these past 6 or more years and now maybe, just maybe and please please please let it be so that things will turn around and I can move on. Let me build on rock and get the hell out of the place I've been and can still see in my rear view mirrors.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I've had tears in my eyes all day just there in the corner. I might say it is hay fever or a bit of dust but really they are tears of hope and joy and perhaps having found that missing piece I have been looking for for so long.
A Milestone Day
This is a holding page because today is very likely to be an important day in my life. I don't know that it is. I very much hope that it maybe and by putting this placeholder in on this day I can perhaps come back to it and see if it was the major turning point in my life after Cancer.
Since just after I knew I was likely to survive I've been searching and trying to find that missing component, the thing that somehow would bring the journey to an end and yet a beginning all at the same time. I have no doubt that this journey is going to be as difficult to follow as my cancer one but the outcome I hope will be worthwhile.
There you go - an enigmatic post on the 18th June 2013.
Since just after I knew I was likely to survive I've been searching and trying to find that missing component, the thing that somehow would bring the journey to an end and yet a beginning all at the same time. I have no doubt that this journey is going to be as difficult to follow as my cancer one but the outcome I hope will be worthwhile.
There you go - an enigmatic post on the 18th June 2013.
Monday, June 17, 2013
What Being A Control Freak Looks Like
I am (without doubt) a control freak and here is a remote control made especially for me!
Enjoy :-) Click the image to enlarge it (it's OK it's not an order!)
In Pursuit Of Happiness
The American Dream and nothing wrong in that is there? For years I've been trying to work out what my brush with cancer meant - what was its purpose :-) if that isn't too way out an idea.
It dawns on me that I've been trying to make surviving worth it but inevitably, being the only "victim" maybe I am the only one who has this knowledge (if that's what it is). I tried to make the difference in both the charity and my last venture. There was achievement and pride in what I had done but no deep down satisfaction, nothing that worked at the core that satisfied mind and body.
The idea of the American Dream is rooted in the United States Declaration of Independence which proclaims that "all men are created equal" and that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights" including "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."
I wonder if I have been trying too hard to change not just me but all those around me. They have no reason to change, no reason at all. Hard as it seems I may just have to go and please myself and pursue my own dreams. I think too much maybe it is a case of letting go and letting life happen to me as it arrives, abandon myself to my feelings and not to my over analytical, planning and scheme making mind? I have my health and so that's great and there's the world out there just waiting :-)
Time for decisive decision making - or is it :-) I need to change approach maybe let go a bit drop the head and follow the heart? Bit difficult for me being a control freak, project manager and analyst I know.
It dawns on me that I've been trying to make surviving worth it but inevitably, being the only "victim" maybe I am the only one who has this knowledge (if that's what it is). I tried to make the difference in both the charity and my last venture. There was achievement and pride in what I had done but no deep down satisfaction, nothing that worked at the core that satisfied mind and body.
The idea of the American Dream is rooted in the United States Declaration of Independence which proclaims that "all men are created equal" and that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights" including "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."
I wonder if I have been trying too hard to change not just me but all those around me. They have no reason to change, no reason at all. Hard as it seems I may just have to go and please myself and pursue my own dreams. I think too much maybe it is a case of letting go and letting life happen to me as it arrives, abandon myself to my feelings and not to my over analytical, planning and scheme making mind? I have my health and so that's great and there's the world out there just waiting :-)
Time for decisive decision making - or is it :-) I need to change approach maybe let go a bit drop the head and follow the heart? Bit difficult for me being a control freak, project manager and analyst I know.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Brand New Day
This has been banging on through my head all evening so thought I'd post it here maybe I can refer to it later.
So much going on. So much happening, brain is awash with ideas and plans and fears and doubts. This song doesn't help :-) or does it?
It Is Your Destiny
Was amused at my post on Facebook this morning (Father's Day)
I AM your Father Luke
How come no Father's Day Card? :-)
Well these things amuse me - and I was on good form tonight with some old friends we went to a lovely country pub and had a good old chinwag. In the old days we'd talk about gigs and houses and cars now we talk about our aged and infirm parents! I managed to take it down a few notches as it was cheat day and the beer and sugar had done their worst :-) I like to think I'm quite amusing when I have had a few drinks!
Something was missing from the evening though and there's always this dilemma about getting home, I've got to go to work, I'm Tired and all that stuff to contend with. I'm the one who should get tired and wants to go home! Actually I could go on all night I'm so pumped at the moment.
I feel really charged and so full of hope for the future - I really want to get my arse in gear and move things forward for good or bad as soon as possible. As Winston Churchill was apt to say "Action This Day!" So shall it be....
I AM your Father Luke
How come no Father's Day Card? :-)
Well these things amuse me - and I was on good form tonight with some old friends we went to a lovely country pub and had a good old chinwag. In the old days we'd talk about gigs and houses and cars now we talk about our aged and infirm parents! I managed to take it down a few notches as it was cheat day and the beer and sugar had done their worst :-) I like to think I'm quite amusing when I have had a few drinks!
Something was missing from the evening though and there's always this dilemma about getting home, I've got to go to work, I'm Tired and all that stuff to contend with. I'm the one who should get tired and wants to go home! Actually I could go on all night I'm so pumped at the moment.
I feel really charged and so full of hope for the future - I really want to get my arse in gear and move things forward for good or bad as soon as possible. As Winston Churchill was apt to say "Action This Day!" So shall it be....
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