Still under an embargo here but I'm doing a stock take of my life and resisting the part where you go back and wonder why you did something and also apportioning no blame to any of the decisions that were made and indeed any of the outcomes. I'm not sure if I "blame" myself for getting Cancer or not - the jury is still out. I think it was unfortunate and like many of my generation, we were the last heavy smokers who still lived in a time when smoking in teh workplace was OK. It is only as recently as 2007 that it was banned in public places and in Restaurants and Pubs etc.
In very many ways I'm at a point in my life now of great change and big significance. The Government have just informed me that my pension will now commence when I am 66 not 65 so I have just under 10 years to run until I am retired and drawing that.
10 years. I hope to live for 20 or 25 years, I know that whilst I'm pretty healthy at the moment, I may not get a long retirement and so I plan to do something about that.
So at the moment, the blackout continues but I'm fine in myself, I have a new freedom of thought and outlook on life, I'm healthy and feel well, I look good in the new slimmer body and I'm out of the malaise of the past 7 years (post cancer years) and indeed the past 10 or more years too which is also good. The big cloud of depression is lifting away and a new optimistic attitude is growing. It's fighting with my inner self but the can be no omlette without breaking eggs as they say.
In a good place at last although the odd day here and there screaming in my head "What do you think you are doing??!!" I can live with that.
More later.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Update - Still Here
Just to reassure you this isn't fun for me not saying much but there you go - needs must. It won't be a release for a get rich scheme either :-) No just waiting for the right time probably sometime in September I guess.
In the interim - I'm doing fine, feeling good, keeping well, done loads of work on the house (finally) and finally sorting stuff out that's been hovering around for years. I put me record collection up for sale - someone phoned from abroad who wanted it and sent around one of their colleagues who missed the really good stuff - picked out the obvious 20 LPs that would sell well and offered me £220 for the lot (I have close to 1000 LPs and Singles). I know for a fact that 200 of them are worth at least £5 each and 40 are in the £25 area and 2 are £100... So let them go away and kick their heels - I've left it open to other dealers to come back. I will email these guys and "show" them the albums and singles they missed and see what they make of it then....
Other than that not a lot is happening to me I am on an emotional roller coaster but not in a bad way anymore - I'm actually in a good place at last - perhaps more so that for 10 or maybe 15 years!
More when I'm allowed to say :-)
In the interim - I'm doing fine, feeling good, keeping well, done loads of work on the house (finally) and finally sorting stuff out that's been hovering around for years. I put me record collection up for sale - someone phoned from abroad who wanted it and sent around one of their colleagues who missed the really good stuff - picked out the obvious 20 LPs that would sell well and offered me £220 for the lot (I have close to 1000 LPs and Singles). I know for a fact that 200 of them are worth at least £5 each and 40 are in the £25 area and 2 are £100... So let them go away and kick their heels - I've left it open to other dealers to come back. I will email these guys and "show" them the albums and singles they missed and see what they make of it then....
Other than that not a lot is happening to me I am on an emotional roller coaster but not in a bad way anymore - I'm actually in a good place at last - perhaps more so that for 10 or maybe 15 years!
More when I'm allowed to say :-)
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Still Here
I'm OK - getting on fine and happy enough with my lot. Embargo should end soon and I can move on. At present though I'm moving on day-to-day and getting one with life and just keeping a low profile for the moment. More when I find something interesting to say.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Short Update
I'm fine, I'm in a good place and feel quite well both mentally and physically despite major stuff going on in my life. I'm happy and whilst I am having a real roller coaster of emotions daily it is all going in the right way, I'm keeping very positive (because I'm doing the right thing) and that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train it's a big wide world but I'm not quite outside blinking in the sunshine just yet.
Major steps taken this week to get back on my feet after a number of years pursuing different avenues. Thanks to G (you know who you are), Flocky Bicep (we will both be Caffeine addicts by the end of this my friend!), and K who have all been very supportive.
Anyway, that will do as an update - no need to worry and all is OK and going well but because occasionally I get these almost paranoid episodes of self-doubt I'm going to be posting infrequently so as not to use the blog as a Flame Out, I've got another way of letting off steam using private documents. They are pretty disturbing reading but at least I can get it off my chest and then after I've written it down I realise just how "stupid" these little episodes are - it's all that little voice in the back of your head, the little worm burrowing in and casting doubts. It isn't going to win but I hate the negativity of it hence - it won't be appearing on the blog until I get past that phase.
Just a note - imagine someone criticising your every move, someone taking the p1ss out of you all the time (not in a nice way), sarcasm, spite and abuse. It's like having a bully implanted in your head and its only job is to put you down, to point out your failures and so on. That's what is going on all the time. It's a combination of many things including guilt but it won't win but occasionally it just stops me in my tracks because it is so hurtful and this is my own brain but obviously that other side playing Devil's Advocate I guess :-) Anyway that's what is holding back the posts because sometimes the bully writes the post....
Will go dark again for a while but all is good with me which is the main thing.
Major steps taken this week to get back on my feet after a number of years pursuing different avenues. Thanks to G (you know who you are), Flocky Bicep (we will both be Caffeine addicts by the end of this my friend!), and K who have all been very supportive.
Anyway, that will do as an update - no need to worry and all is OK and going well but because occasionally I get these almost paranoid episodes of self-doubt I'm going to be posting infrequently so as not to use the blog as a Flame Out, I've got another way of letting off steam using private documents. They are pretty disturbing reading but at least I can get it off my chest and then after I've written it down I realise just how "stupid" these little episodes are - it's all that little voice in the back of your head, the little worm burrowing in and casting doubts. It isn't going to win but I hate the negativity of it hence - it won't be appearing on the blog until I get past that phase.
Just a note - imagine someone criticising your every move, someone taking the p1ss out of you all the time (not in a nice way), sarcasm, spite and abuse. It's like having a bully implanted in your head and its only job is to put you down, to point out your failures and so on. That's what is going on all the time. It's a combination of many things including guilt but it won't win but occasionally it just stops me in my tracks because it is so hurtful and this is my own brain but obviously that other side playing Devil's Advocate I guess :-) Anyway that's what is holding back the posts because sometimes the bully writes the post....
Will go dark again for a while but all is good with me which is the main thing.
Friday, August 02, 2013
Summer Break
Unless I've got something stunning to say I'm going to give the blog a rest - I noticed it was getting a little ugly and so I've pulled a few posts and I don't want to burden you or me with stuff that I am saying in the heat of the moment and may regret.
I guess though that the important thing right now is that I've moved out of the phase of being the victim and have started to get a grip on myself, my emotions and my life. It's a huge step - enormous one really and it's been about 6 weeks I think since I instigated it - so far so good. Bound to be some problems along the way but at last my my mind is clearing out the garbage and detritus that has built up there for too many years. Time to go and live and enjoy life again.
I guess though that the important thing right now is that I've moved out of the phase of being the victim and have started to get a grip on myself, my emotions and my life. It's a huge step - enormous one really and it's been about 6 weeks I think since I instigated it - so far so good. Bound to be some problems along the way but at last my my mind is clearing out the garbage and detritus that has built up there for too many years. Time to go and live and enjoy life again.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Moving On
This is good, my mind is clearing and getting rid of all the cr@p that was in there, I walked past the Hospital and thought to myself - that I'd walked this road many times but today it didn't matter - I knew I'd have to still walk this path after my cystoscopies but it doesn't matter anymore it doesn't make my heart sink and whilst it - of course - must hold some fears about recurrence - it can go to a lower place in my mind from now on, it doesn't need to be at the forefront of my mind anymore. Move along nothing to see here.
As the problems that dogged my mind these past 7 years start to melt away and become background noise and as I take more steps to free myself up I realise that I should have done this years and years ago. For all the right reasons I didn't and I wonder whether I should have but of course, that is in the past and it didn't happen and I didn't do it so not much to say other than You must learn from history and not repeat the past (unless it was good of course).
I said sometime ago that I felt a big piece of me died way back in July 2006. It was like another sort of cancer took over in my head then and filled the dead areas. Look back at my 2206/07 blogs and I talk about the voices, the evil voices which just gnawed away at your self confidence and took you apart and ridiculed you and made you feel small and worthless. I always felt that cancer strips you of everything like that it takes away self belief, self esteem, confidence (like you can't believe) and it takes you to the lowest ebb sometimes. And yet, I tried to keep cheerful throughout it all but it did affect me. It ground me down and even today there has to be the uncertainty of it coming back or that you are somehow more susceptible to other cancers having already got one.
The battle inside your head is as big a battle as you have under the surgeon's knife and the treatments to ensure it doesn't come back.
Then you survive and wonder why, or what purpose there may be and then off you go and try and search for what that might be. My belief is not strong and I spoke to people who talked through much of that with me. I tried different things and worked around my illness and maybe I should just have gone back to working in that corporate jungle I'd come from? Probably not.... Still not sure unless needs must.
Right now, I am relieved of so many of the burdens I've just spoken of. I don't actually know where I'm heading at the moment but I know that I have cast off many of these past burdens and millstones. Freed of most of these and others fading and becoming less important, it feels great to have my mind back - or at least it is coming back. All the anger and frustration has now gone and whilst not everything is there yet - it is like someone has just vacuumed my head out and take all the cobwebs away and I can rebuild my confidence, my belief and my life. Not good "stuff" still lies ahead for me to tackle but I've finally addressed the Elephant in the Room and as my mate is often heard to say I've had to eat the Frog. Or eat your own dog food as I once also heard it. I hesitate to say it took 7 years, more likely 5 years I suppose. Everything comes to he who waits unless someone gets there first of course? :-)
It's great to walk into the light and blink at it's beauty and wonder just what the hell have you been doing for the past 5 or 6 years? The Prodigal Brain has returned :-)
As the problems that dogged my mind these past 7 years start to melt away and become background noise and as I take more steps to free myself up I realise that I should have done this years and years ago. For all the right reasons I didn't and I wonder whether I should have but of course, that is in the past and it didn't happen and I didn't do it so not much to say other than You must learn from history and not repeat the past (unless it was good of course).
I said sometime ago that I felt a big piece of me died way back in July 2006. It was like another sort of cancer took over in my head then and filled the dead areas. Look back at my 2206/07 blogs and I talk about the voices, the evil voices which just gnawed away at your self confidence and took you apart and ridiculed you and made you feel small and worthless. I always felt that cancer strips you of everything like that it takes away self belief, self esteem, confidence (like you can't believe) and it takes you to the lowest ebb sometimes. And yet, I tried to keep cheerful throughout it all but it did affect me. It ground me down and even today there has to be the uncertainty of it coming back or that you are somehow more susceptible to other cancers having already got one.
The battle inside your head is as big a battle as you have under the surgeon's knife and the treatments to ensure it doesn't come back.
Then you survive and wonder why, or what purpose there may be and then off you go and try and search for what that might be. My belief is not strong and I spoke to people who talked through much of that with me. I tried different things and worked around my illness and maybe I should just have gone back to working in that corporate jungle I'd come from? Probably not.... Still not sure unless needs must.
Right now, I am relieved of so many of the burdens I've just spoken of. I don't actually know where I'm heading at the moment but I know that I have cast off many of these past burdens and millstones. Freed of most of these and others fading and becoming less important, it feels great to have my mind back - or at least it is coming back. All the anger and frustration has now gone and whilst not everything is there yet - it is like someone has just vacuumed my head out and take all the cobwebs away and I can rebuild my confidence, my belief and my life. Not good "stuff" still lies ahead for me to tackle but I've finally addressed the Elephant in the Room and as my mate is often heard to say I've had to eat the Frog. Or eat your own dog food as I once also heard it. I hesitate to say it took 7 years, more likely 5 years I suppose. Everything comes to he who waits unless someone gets there first of course? :-)
It's great to walk into the light and blink at it's beauty and wonder just what the hell have you been doing for the past 5 or 6 years? The Prodigal Brain has returned :-)
Monday, July 29, 2013
Breaking the rut
I finally sorted out the bath side panel - after a year!!!! A year... This is the problem with me that there were all these jobs to do - granted it wasn't a 5 minute job (about 2 hours) and I just never got around to fixing it. I set to today and despite it being quite hot and humid got stuck in and had it fixed.
I have a list of other things around the house I must do and I just needed to sort myself out and set my mind to it. Things like getting the car MOT'd, have some rendering to do outside some gutters to fix and a few other things like that. All of which take little time but I can do them it isn't difficult and it just needed me to be in the right frame of mind and be motivated to do them. I am now motivated to do these things and now I'm back in my office and have some ideas that I can work on to move things on.
Finally I feel free in mind and spirit which is great. I can concentrate on sorting out business and moving forward, tidying this office up and getting back on top of things and back in control once again. It's a mind over matter thing.
I have a list of other things around the house I must do and I just needed to sort myself out and set my mind to it. Things like getting the car MOT'd, have some rendering to do outside some gutters to fix and a few other things like that. All of which take little time but I can do them it isn't difficult and it just needed me to be in the right frame of mind and be motivated to do them. I am now motivated to do these things and now I'm back in my office and have some ideas that I can work on to move things on.
Finally I feel free in mind and spirit which is great. I can concentrate on sorting out business and moving forward, tidying this office up and getting back on top of things and back in control once again. It's a mind over matter thing.
Cheat Day
I suppose Saturday and Sunday were both minor cheat days for me. I had beer and some Vodka and a little chocolate and a few Lattes so that counts. I didn't have too much other than that though and so today I'm OK but still decided to skip breakfast after the slight excesses and also that I don't actually feel hungry. That's a combination of how I feel at the moment and also that I don't tend to feel hungry these days anyway as this diet/lifestyle tend to satiate you naturally and I find I just don't hanker after food anymore - or perhaps I should say carbs which are addictive. .
My brother has lost 1 3/4 stone on the diet so far and is doing really well. I think that is in less than a month but he did need to lose some and I'm guessing that it is falling off him until he gets towards his goal. It is good to see that and he is feeling good too. I'm delighted that it is working for him and hopefully he realises not to go back onto carbs and he will be fine.
I have to say that it is quite easy to stay on this diet and I fully intend to although I have stalled recently I have to say. The thing is to keep the faith and it will soon kick off again. I can imagine that all the stress of the past few weeks hasn't helped me much but I am where I am now and that's where I wanted to be when I kicked all this off about 5 or 6 weeks ago now.
After all my troubles in the past years and weeks, I finally did something about it and now I feel calm and in control again at last. I have taken some huge leaps this weekend and whilst not everything is far from ideal, I do have a platform to move forward and I do have some purpose back and some direction although I will need to set that in a week or two when I have had a chance to fully understand where things are.
Today I ship all my stuff back into my office and begin to plan out a strategy for moving forwards. This involves many things of course but the main one being getting a job or starting my businesses up. I must decide what to do and get down to sorting it out as I've put it on the back burner awaiting this very moment and a decision needs to be arrived at.
My brother has lost 1 3/4 stone on the diet so far and is doing really well. I think that is in less than a month but he did need to lose some and I'm guessing that it is falling off him until he gets towards his goal. It is good to see that and he is feeling good too. I'm delighted that it is working for him and hopefully he realises not to go back onto carbs and he will be fine.
I have to say that it is quite easy to stay on this diet and I fully intend to although I have stalled recently I have to say. The thing is to keep the faith and it will soon kick off again. I can imagine that all the stress of the past few weeks hasn't helped me much but I am where I am now and that's where I wanted to be when I kicked all this off about 5 or 6 weeks ago now.
After all my troubles in the past years and weeks, I finally did something about it and now I feel calm and in control again at last. I have taken some huge leaps this weekend and whilst not everything is far from ideal, I do have a platform to move forward and I do have some purpose back and some direction although I will need to set that in a week or two when I have had a chance to fully understand where things are.
Today I ship all my stuff back into my office and begin to plan out a strategy for moving forwards. This involves many things of course but the main one being getting a job or starting my businesses up. I must decide what to do and get down to sorting it out as I've put it on the back burner awaiting this very moment and a decision needs to be arrived at.
The Balloon Joke
Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.
When his mum woke up she was furious! "Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down you've let your father down, and you've let yourself down too!"
So why tell this joke? Well - I just hope no one dares say that I let anyone down or they'll get my fist in their face - that's all. No really they will :-)
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.
When his mum woke up she was furious! "Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down you've let your father down, and you've let yourself down too!"
So why tell this joke? Well - I just hope no one dares say that I let anyone down or they'll get my fist in their face - that's all. No really they will :-)
Well not too much booze but a new day dawns
The embargo won't be lifted for at least 3 weeks so you will have to speculate what is going on. Only Mrs. F. and I and a few people know, not even my Mum so please say nothing for now, all will be revealed around mid to late August. At 3am I went to bed and was up sort of OK at 8 this morning. I keep saying to myself that the answer is not to be found in the bottom of a booze bottle and so it proved to be. However, it could have been worse and I could have completely overdone it. As it was, I didn't but I need to keep off the booze all together I feel as it would be an easy thing to just go there at the moment. The trouble is - I know myself quite well and I have these occasional extremes it's part of who I am and I just go off and into some sort of mini self destruct mode - only for a short while - a matter of hours.
In reality, yesterday was a pretty bad day - in fact the whole weekend was pretty bad but there you go. I'd say it was the worst few days of my life after having had cancer, yes, that bad. However, I sound up beat and that is the flip side of having a bad few days. I'd feel a lot worse if I hadn't of had a bad weekend. I know - sorry - it doesn't make sense yet... in a few weeks it will. BUT PLEASE, if you do know, say nothing.
I think I might have finally worked out what I need to do - a list of priorities if you will. I need to clear my head which is a tiny bit fuzzy this morning - not surprisingly - and focus on completing this project I am on - which is mainly a case of quality checks and then packing stuff away.
I can then get my head into gear to get some outstanding chores completed. I think I might have a way forward at last but need to discuss with some friends and see if it all makes sense.
In reality, yesterday was a pretty bad day - in fact the whole weekend was pretty bad but there you go. I'd say it was the worst few days of my life after having had cancer, yes, that bad. However, I sound up beat and that is the flip side of having a bad few days. I'd feel a lot worse if I hadn't of had a bad weekend. I know - sorry - it doesn't make sense yet... in a few weeks it will. BUT PLEASE, if you do know, say nothing.
I think I might have finally worked out what I need to do - a list of priorities if you will. I need to clear my head which is a tiny bit fuzzy this morning - not surprisingly - and focus on completing this project I am on - which is mainly a case of quality checks and then packing stuff away.
I can then get my head into gear to get some outstanding chores completed. I think I might have a way forward at last but need to discuss with some friends and see if it all makes sense.
Two in the morning
I've been thumping music through my Sony MP3 Walkman at 30 volume and drinking Vodka and dodging the showers outside :-) you may think strange behaviour for me but those who know me know that this is one of my "releases" - I need to let off steam and the bad thing is I tend to overdo the booze and engage in excesses of some kind or another.
After my walk we all met up at the local pub so I had a few beers - nice. Then when we got back home I just fancied listening to music, looking up at the stars and thumping some music into my head at the same time.
Mission accomplished as I managed to do all of that :-) These excesses are probably bang on character at the moment. More on that later but for now I need to do many things including being within myself at the moment so loud music, booze and solitude are the order of the day. More when the embargo is lifted :-)
After my walk we all met up at the local pub so I had a few beers - nice. Then when we got back home I just fancied listening to music, looking up at the stars and thumping some music into my head at the same time.
Mission accomplished as I managed to do all of that :-) These excesses are probably bang on character at the moment. More on that later but for now I need to do many things including being within myself at the moment so loud music, booze and solitude are the order of the day. More when the embargo is lifted :-)
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday - A Day of Rest.
I think it may not quite be that. I'm going to take myself off for another long walk (did this yesterday) in the lovely countryside around here. Was wonderful walking over the hills, past cornfields and through the woods yesterday. I really enjoy the peace and solitude and the beauty of the English countryside. I can stroll along at my own speed past the Pilot's grave in the woods - we are near Biggin Hill the WW2 airfield - and then through a covered arch of trees over a wide path, along a bridle path and then back up over the hills past outcrops of woods and back to the Village.
After the overnight rain it is a blowy day out there but still warm enough to go in tee shirt order.
Life is never quite going to be the same again and my Bladder Cancer Journey takes yet another fork in the road or another unexpected turn on the Roller Coaster. I say unexpected - but in reality that's not so. In reality what's just happened was inevitable.
Anyway - a new chapter begins - more when the embargo is lifted.
I know you love me to be enigmatic :-)
After the overnight rain it is a blowy day out there but still warm enough to go in tee shirt order.
Life is never quite going to be the same again and my Bladder Cancer Journey takes yet another fork in the road or another unexpected turn on the Roller Coaster. I say unexpected - but in reality that's not so. In reality what's just happened was inevitable.
Anyway - a new chapter begins - more when the embargo is lifted.
I know you love me to be enigmatic :-)
Can't Say
For the moment things remain frozen and I can't say what is going on here. So you'll have to await further announcements. Not my rules I'm afraid.
I spent most of the day sorting out the computer and have finally - I think - sorted it all out by steam having to do most of the transfer by old fashioned drag and drop on a folder by folder basis. As luck would have it - I only missed a few folders out on the original pass so doing this again made sure I picked most of it up. What an arse that it didn't work like it says on the Microsoft Web site.
I've a lot of decisions to make coming up based on what has just happened and I'm in a strange place as I am happy and sad all at the same time. I've done what I set out to do a few weeks back and it's been pretty difficult I have to say - perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Because I haven't done too much analysis and thinking I'm actually in a strange place now because I don't know what to do next for the best. Particularly when it comes to work. I'd like to think I ought to go start my own business and was part way down that avenue when I got severely sidelined by what's just happened. So now, consequence of that decision actually need me to go and rethink it all - and so in some ways I've got a lot more problems than I started with.
Oh well - that is what happens when you just go with your instincts and your gut feelings I suppose. A lot of people live by the seat of their pants - I hate it - but I am beginning to see the attractions.
Post too enigmatic for you? I hope to explain more at some point when the embargo is lifted.
I spent most of the day sorting out the computer and have finally - I think - sorted it all out by steam having to do most of the transfer by old fashioned drag and drop on a folder by folder basis. As luck would have it - I only missed a few folders out on the original pass so doing this again made sure I picked most of it up. What an arse that it didn't work like it says on the Microsoft Web site.
I've a lot of decisions to make coming up based on what has just happened and I'm in a strange place as I am happy and sad all at the same time. I've done what I set out to do a few weeks back and it's been pretty difficult I have to say - perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Because I haven't done too much analysis and thinking I'm actually in a strange place now because I don't know what to do next for the best. Particularly when it comes to work. I'd like to think I ought to go start my own business and was part way down that avenue when I got severely sidelined by what's just happened. So now, consequence of that decision actually need me to go and rethink it all - and so in some ways I've got a lot more problems than I started with.
Oh well - that is what happens when you just go with your instincts and your gut feelings I suppose. A lot of people live by the seat of their pants - I hate it - but I am beginning to see the attractions.
Post too enigmatic for you? I hope to explain more at some point when the embargo is lifted.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wide Awake - Never Trust Computers
I am doing some work that involves migrating an email system across from an old to a new Laptop. My customer has one of the most complex filing systems I have ever seen which when screen shots are made runs to some 17 pages of A4 and more if you take the sub folders into account.
I ran a test where I managed to get the emails off of his machine and onto mine. Everything ran exactly as it should have done and so tested and assured it worked I set to work transferring. I hadn't banked on a new OS and new Software which somehow screwed up the transfer of a vast majority of the emails. I did a second check and still the same - files and structures were all broken. I've therefore spent a long time offloading thousands of emails and their appropriate folder structure to a hard drive and now I am converting them back to way they were...
It is also - now close to 3 am - fair to say that there are other reasons keeping me up at night at the moment and I'll come to those when I can over the weekend. For the moment, suffice it to say, I'm running on fumes :-) More later
I ran a test where I managed to get the emails off of his machine and onto mine. Everything ran exactly as it should have done and so tested and assured it worked I set to work transferring. I hadn't banked on a new OS and new Software which somehow screwed up the transfer of a vast majority of the emails. I did a second check and still the same - files and structures were all broken. I've therefore spent a long time offloading thousands of emails and their appropriate folder structure to a hard drive and now I am converting them back to way they were...
It is also - now close to 3 am - fair to say that there are other reasons keeping me up at night at the moment and I'll come to those when I can over the weekend. For the moment, suffice it to say, I'm running on fumes :-) More later
Friday, July 26, 2013
The Lifting Of The Great Weight
Dear reader, it can hardly have escaped your notice that my head has been in some pretty awful places not just of late but also these past 7 years. I have no doubt that different people deal with things different ways and I have been trying to approach my particular problems in every way from scientific to complete scattergun :-)
Problems build up in you - or they do in me - but they build slowly and like a Volcano the Magma Chamber slowly fills, small Earthquakes are registered and after a while, all hell breaks loose as the Volcano erupts. So in many ways it has been a long journey towards this day.
It's only been just over a month since I decided that I needed to tackle an issue that has dogged me for some considerable time. I changed my attitude, I had to, I could no longer let my personality type bottle in and suppress what was happening to me. It didn't really help that this all coincided with the anniversary of my getting Cancer, My Father's death last year, my Anniversaries of diagnosis and operation and today it would be 7 years to the day that I would have been released from Hospital to start this long long road to recovery.
Last night I finally, finally got around to "kick off" the process of sorting myself out once and for all. I finally, as I termed it, Bit the Bullet. We used to say that one had to "Eat the Frog" - an unpleasant task that had to be done. In many ways what is about to happen is unpleasant and uncomfortable. Many people will be upset but no one will die. More later.
But the main thing here is that by finally starting to address this and Lord knows I've procrastinated for far too long, I feel a huge weight has come off my shoulders, I finally don't feel this sick to the pit of my stomach feeling anymore. Whilst I know that things may become unpleasant, they need to happen.
It's the 26th July 2013. Time to move on......
Problems build up in you - or they do in me - but they build slowly and like a Volcano the Magma Chamber slowly fills, small Earthquakes are registered and after a while, all hell breaks loose as the Volcano erupts. So in many ways it has been a long journey towards this day.
It's only been just over a month since I decided that I needed to tackle an issue that has dogged me for some considerable time. I changed my attitude, I had to, I could no longer let my personality type bottle in and suppress what was happening to me. It didn't really help that this all coincided with the anniversary of my getting Cancer, My Father's death last year, my Anniversaries of diagnosis and operation and today it would be 7 years to the day that I would have been released from Hospital to start this long long road to recovery.
Last night I finally, finally got around to "kick off" the process of sorting myself out once and for all. I finally, as I termed it, Bit the Bullet. We used to say that one had to "Eat the Frog" - an unpleasant task that had to be done. In many ways what is about to happen is unpleasant and uncomfortable. Many people will be upset but no one will die. More later.
But the main thing here is that by finally starting to address this and Lord knows I've procrastinated for far too long, I feel a huge weight has come off my shoulders, I finally don't feel this sick to the pit of my stomach feeling anymore. Whilst I know that things may become unpleasant, they need to happen.
It's the 26th July 2013. Time to move on......
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Biting the Bullet
Inevitably one must Bite The Bullet and tonight that happened and progress is beginning to be made and whilst it isn't sorted out by any means - I finally don't feel sick anymore nor do I feel bad - I've made the step that I feared take, addressed the Elephant in the Room and set things in motion.
Whilst I've not resolved the problem I've initiated the process and that means I finally feel the release of all the tension I've had over recent weeks and dare I say recent years.
More later when things take shape.
Whilst I've not resolved the problem I've initiated the process and that means I finally feel the release of all the tension I've had over recent weeks and dare I say recent years.
More later when things take shape.
Coffee With Flocky
Bless good old (not so much of the old) Flocky Bicep - he's a real mate and feel sorry I had to go see him for the pretence of coffee only to offload all my problems onto him. He's been a real help to me over many years but more so at the moment when so much is going on in my life.
At least had a good long walk, got back to find my car here - which is good - so they sorted that out for me. Still can't help but feeling very sick in my stomach and my head is so messed up at the moment. I can't think straight and I hate being so out of control as such. It makes me very uneasy indeed :-)
Fear and real uneasiness about what is going on with my life at the moment. I've done the big shake up thing and got myself out of my malaise and started to turn things around when I've walked into a massive road block. The Elephant is now in the Room and I'm ignoring it. Thinking about it is making me ill and not doing anything about it is causing me to have huge mood swings.
What is the Elephant in the Room? I can't tell you at the moment because it is for me to deal with and me alone. Needless to say somehow I've got to do something about it. I've had plenty of time to think about it, I've spoken to two of my closest friends this week to make sure I'm not being over dramatic or missing the point or just not thinking straight which is my big fear on this - am I thinking correctly or am I wrong. I think I know I'm right and I don't like the answer at all. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm right and don't like the answer :-)
Sure I'll write more when I've sorted myself out or even when I'm trying to sort myself out. For the moment, the Elephant remains in the room but only I can see it. For some reason that just flashed into my mind Family Guy and Chris Griffin's Evil Monkey in the Closet that only he can see :-) Except my Elephant is much bigger and possibly more evil...
At least had a good long walk, got back to find my car here - which is good - so they sorted that out for me. Still can't help but feeling very sick in my stomach and my head is so messed up at the moment. I can't think straight and I hate being so out of control as such. It makes me very uneasy indeed :-)
Fear and real uneasiness about what is going on with my life at the moment. I've done the big shake up thing and got myself out of my malaise and started to turn things around when I've walked into a massive road block. The Elephant is now in the Room and I'm ignoring it. Thinking about it is making me ill and not doing anything about it is causing me to have huge mood swings.
What is the Elephant in the Room? I can't tell you at the moment because it is for me to deal with and me alone. Needless to say somehow I've got to do something about it. I've had plenty of time to think about it, I've spoken to two of my closest friends this week to make sure I'm not being over dramatic or missing the point or just not thinking straight which is my big fear on this - am I thinking correctly or am I wrong. I think I know I'm right and I don't like the answer at all. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm right and don't like the answer :-)
Sure I'll write more when I've sorted myself out or even when I'm trying to sort myself out. For the moment, the Elephant remains in the room but only I can see it. For some reason that just flashed into my mind Family Guy and Chris Griffin's Evil Monkey in the Closet that only he can see :-) Except my Elephant is much bigger and possibly more evil...
Disturbed Night
It's bad when I go to bed thinking and so it proved - my head was it's usual computer like self and woke me every hour or so during a funny old night which didn't appear as humid as before but felt it anyway.
I'd already tried to switch off at around midnight when I stood outside and had a small glass of red wine. It was then that I noticed strange pinpricks of light at my shed at the end of the garden. I hadn't noticed these before and thought they might be animal's eyes in the darkness so I wander up the garden - there are no obstacles just grass and when I got there to my annoyance noticed that there were a series of lights on in the shed. It is darkened and blackened out as a photographic darkroom for my daughter. I would imagine the last time it was used was about a year ago (I may be wrong). Which means I've been paying an electricity bill for lights and equipment all left switched on for about a year in my estimation.
I didn't get angry - I don't do that - just left a curt message on the kitchen worktop. I've now switched off the mains to the garage as a double precaution......
Having had fitful sleep I've got up this morning and need to do some work on this computer for my friend and hopefully I can complete all of the major work today and when he returns just switch it over. That should clear me to go make a start in the office if it has suitably cooled down - it's still pretty hot up there.
My head is still in a crazy place - said enough about it yesterday and the day before other than - I know I know the answer and I'm just not brave enough or fully committed to sorting it out so have only myself to blame for my own self pity :-) When I build up the courage and fully understand the consequences of those actions then I need to act. Until then I need to realise that the solution to this is in my own hands and that I need to work on that. It's no use whining about it when I have known the answer all along and when I could sort it out but I don't because it is unpleasant, hurts people and so on. Sometimes you have to just do it.
I'd already tried to switch off at around midnight when I stood outside and had a small glass of red wine. It was then that I noticed strange pinpricks of light at my shed at the end of the garden. I hadn't noticed these before and thought they might be animal's eyes in the darkness so I wander up the garden - there are no obstacles just grass and when I got there to my annoyance noticed that there were a series of lights on in the shed. It is darkened and blackened out as a photographic darkroom for my daughter. I would imagine the last time it was used was about a year ago (I may be wrong). Which means I've been paying an electricity bill for lights and equipment all left switched on for about a year in my estimation.
I didn't get angry - I don't do that - just left a curt message on the kitchen worktop. I've now switched off the mains to the garage as a double precaution......
Having had fitful sleep I've got up this morning and need to do some work on this computer for my friend and hopefully I can complete all of the major work today and when he returns just switch it over. That should clear me to go make a start in the office if it has suitably cooled down - it's still pretty hot up there.
My head is still in a crazy place - said enough about it yesterday and the day before other than - I know I know the answer and I'm just not brave enough or fully committed to sorting it out so have only myself to blame for my own self pity :-) When I build up the courage and fully understand the consequences of those actions then I need to act. Until then I need to realise that the solution to this is in my own hands and that I need to work on that. It's no use whining about it when I have known the answer all along and when I could sort it out but I don't because it is unpleasant, hurts people and so on. Sometimes you have to just do it.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I Wonder If....
I wonder if some piece of me died back there - 7 years ago. It is exactly 7 years ago to the day when I had the operation that probably saved my life. And there's me wondering why I've been all moody and strange these days....
But I just wonder whether something got really broken back then? I've not been the same since really. I lost my job, I had others but nothing really satisfied me although the Charity came close to fulfilling a need. The last business was a brilliant idea but the markets weren't ready for it and probably still aren't even now. Gave that my best shot but prolonged the inevitable really - it meant I worked hard for two years and spent all my waking hours at it. It was enjoyable, possibly the biggest challenge of my life but did I do it so as to put off making some important decisions in my life?
I've run all the extremes in these past 7 years, diets, exercise, work, not working, psychometric reviews, weight gains and losses the whole gamut of emotions the whole experience of coming to terms with this thing that nearly killed me.
Today, I'm physically fit and I'm healthy, probably more than I've been for years. A few more months and I should be down to a good weight that will make me more comfortable with myself although I'm a lot better now that I'm 3 1/2 stones lighter. There's nothing wrong with me that a new brain that hasn't been pre-programed won't sort out :-)
Mentally, I'm a bloody wreck, have been for a number of years. If you come here or know me you'll know that it isn't unusual for me to be bouncing off the ceiling with happiness or be digging in the cellar trying to find a trap door to hell. Either can happen within minutes of each other.
And so that got me to wondering what on earth is different from pre and post cancer me? The blindingly obvious is that I was brutally and macabrely confronted with my own mortality. To stare at death is frightening especially as I wasn't even 50 then and felt I was at least bullet proof :-) Try as I might I can only see small things that changed. In many ways all the preconceptions you have about Cancer (generally) are proved wrong. You win and you lose some friends and some family too - it's not their fault and you trying to fix things for them doesn't help a lot. What else? Well everyone else gets on with their lives when maybe you think they shouldn't. You get left to go it alone pretty much - although people are "with you" and "look out" for you they don't go through what you go through they don'r actually have the treatment and have the head f**k that you get with the treatment, the operations and the post traumatic body shock afterwards. Only you can experience these things and only you know, deep down how truly frightening it all is. Knowing that it can come back at any time, knowing that if some treatment doesn't work then there are radical alternatives that will save your life but alter it for ever too.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy of that I;m convinced and anyone who uses it in a threat is no human being because it isn't even remotely nice.
But I can't help thinking that something in my head or my body died back then and has never come back. A piece of me that was there before isn't there now. I know that I am no longer the hard nosed bast**d I used to be known for in business. People thought I'd donate my heart to medical science only so the surgeons would have something tough enough to sharpen their scalpels on! I had a pretty neat way with words so that some said that my words could be cutting like razors and I had spittle like battery acid! I am no longer like that, I now have a conscience which I didn't really before. I also found that I have a very low emotional threshold which I never had before. I've said before that if you showed me Bambi's mum getting killed it would wipe me out and anything that is sad wipes me out - it never used to.
So I can see these sorts of changes in me but something else changed and I can't see it because I'm too close to it. I know something happened because I feel I've done nothing but whinge about it for 7 years and yet should be grateful for being alive so I can't have it both ways can I.
Suppose I could have had the choice but I think I'd still choose alive thank you very much. So what died? Buggered if I actually know really. I just know that it uncomfortable just sitting here and living with this depression in its various guises. Most of the time I'm up but occasionally (looks like July isn't a good month) there's the recollection of this heat, was very hot the day I was operated on, the discomfort and the few years of treatment all have drilled things into my brain to be released and revisited when I least expect them. You can't beat being alive and so I'm not complaining about that, being fit and healthy, no that's good too. It's this missing piece of the puzzle that's so damn annoying. If I can fix that I can get on with life rather than living in this sort of doldrum I'm in at the moment.
But I just wonder whether something got really broken back then? I've not been the same since really. I lost my job, I had others but nothing really satisfied me although the Charity came close to fulfilling a need. The last business was a brilliant idea but the markets weren't ready for it and probably still aren't even now. Gave that my best shot but prolonged the inevitable really - it meant I worked hard for two years and spent all my waking hours at it. It was enjoyable, possibly the biggest challenge of my life but did I do it so as to put off making some important decisions in my life?
I've run all the extremes in these past 7 years, diets, exercise, work, not working, psychometric reviews, weight gains and losses the whole gamut of emotions the whole experience of coming to terms with this thing that nearly killed me.
Today, I'm physically fit and I'm healthy, probably more than I've been for years. A few more months and I should be down to a good weight that will make me more comfortable with myself although I'm a lot better now that I'm 3 1/2 stones lighter. There's nothing wrong with me that a new brain that hasn't been pre-programed won't sort out :-)
Mentally, I'm a bloody wreck, have been for a number of years. If you come here or know me you'll know that it isn't unusual for me to be bouncing off the ceiling with happiness or be digging in the cellar trying to find a trap door to hell. Either can happen within minutes of each other.
And so that got me to wondering what on earth is different from pre and post cancer me? The blindingly obvious is that I was brutally and macabrely confronted with my own mortality. To stare at death is frightening especially as I wasn't even 50 then and felt I was at least bullet proof :-) Try as I might I can only see small things that changed. In many ways all the preconceptions you have about Cancer (generally) are proved wrong. You win and you lose some friends and some family too - it's not their fault and you trying to fix things for them doesn't help a lot. What else? Well everyone else gets on with their lives when maybe you think they shouldn't. You get left to go it alone pretty much - although people are "with you" and "look out" for you they don't go through what you go through they don'r actually have the treatment and have the head f**k that you get with the treatment, the operations and the post traumatic body shock afterwards. Only you can experience these things and only you know, deep down how truly frightening it all is. Knowing that it can come back at any time, knowing that if some treatment doesn't work then there are radical alternatives that will save your life but alter it for ever too.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy of that I;m convinced and anyone who uses it in a threat is no human being because it isn't even remotely nice.
But I can't help thinking that something in my head or my body died back then and has never come back. A piece of me that was there before isn't there now. I know that I am no longer the hard nosed bast**d I used to be known for in business. People thought I'd donate my heart to medical science only so the surgeons would have something tough enough to sharpen their scalpels on! I had a pretty neat way with words so that some said that my words could be cutting like razors and I had spittle like battery acid! I am no longer like that, I now have a conscience which I didn't really before. I also found that I have a very low emotional threshold which I never had before. I've said before that if you showed me Bambi's mum getting killed it would wipe me out and anything that is sad wipes me out - it never used to.
So I can see these sorts of changes in me but something else changed and I can't see it because I'm too close to it. I know something happened because I feel I've done nothing but whinge about it for 7 years and yet should be grateful for being alive so I can't have it both ways can I.
Suppose I could have had the choice but I think I'd still choose alive thank you very much. So what died? Buggered if I actually know really. I just know that it uncomfortable just sitting here and living with this depression in its various guises. Most of the time I'm up but occasionally (looks like July isn't a good month) there's the recollection of this heat, was very hot the day I was operated on, the discomfort and the few years of treatment all have drilled things into my brain to be released and revisited when I least expect them. You can't beat being alive and so I'm not complaining about that, being fit and healthy, no that's good too. It's this missing piece of the puzzle that's so damn annoying. If I can fix that I can get on with life rather than living in this sort of doldrum I'm in at the moment.
And So Wednesday Dawned
And with it a new day in my return to health and my return to sanity. Not that I was insane by any means - no today like many others presents me with - not a lot actually - nothing to really look forward to. I've a little work to do - that will take all day but I don't need to be in attendance.
My car which was fixed last week is unfixed and needs attention so the mechanic is coming around to look at or fix it.
There's no one in the house apart from me. I'm happy with my own company but presently not so good in the head area with so much going on in there. It feels like the rudder has come off my ship and I look back and feel that for the past 7 years there probably has been a screw loose at least :-) Well I thought it was funny.
Here's my dilemma even though I can't tell you exactly what it is. I need to make a big decision and I mean a big one. It is the right decision for me, I'm pretty certain this is the answer. I know it in my intuitive brain to be so. My practical brain is pretty much certain that it is the right decision and I think that yesterday after a day of cross examination by my friend on Monday, I pretty much arrived at that decision too. The problem then is that all actions have consequences and they affect other people. What is right for me, may not be right for them (conversely it may be right for them - I can't see it but it may be so). I dislike the idea of hurting anyone (OK some people on my "pay-back" list). That's my dilemma in a nutshell It isn't the decision itself - that's pretty much made and I know it to be the right thing to do. It is hurting and affecting other people through that decision and some of them are just passengers (if that makes sense) who are innocent bystanders in my view of the world.
I'd like to think that lots of people who know me want me to be happy, in fact I know so. For me to be happy, am I prepared to upset people I know and care about? Bloody tricky isn't it. I like to think that the one thing I hold true is how I empathise with people, I very rarely do anything that I consider to be a selfish act, I wasn't brought up that way and I've lived by those rules all my working and home life. It is very rare that I will do that but it appears that I may not have much choice in the matter and that I may need to just act. Procrastination isn't a good thing - it makes things fester and I can't continue to do that, I need to sort it out once and for all.
I want to be out of where I am now in a pretty desperate rut because I don't really know what to do with myself in terms of the boring stuff like having to make a living earning some money and I just can't get past the first steps at the moment because there is something holding me back. Sure, doing "something" will make me busy and keep my mind off things but I'm afraid it isn't solving the real problem I'd be addressing the symptoms and not the cause and so I go around again in a circle. I really don't want to work in Corporate life anymore - I can't stand all the politics, nor do I want to go Contracting - it was great earning all the money and the work was good but I was hardly ever home. I no longer want those. I can hardly get started at the moment in my own plans because I know that I need to make this decision first.
Anyway - still in the rut but know what I have to do about it. It isn't going to be pleasant though so will just have to man up and sort it out and bite the bullet, step up to the plate and stop talking in cliches :-)
My car which was fixed last week is unfixed and needs attention so the mechanic is coming around to look at or fix it.
There's no one in the house apart from me. I'm happy with my own company but presently not so good in the head area with so much going on in there. It feels like the rudder has come off my ship and I look back and feel that for the past 7 years there probably has been a screw loose at least :-) Well I thought it was funny.
Here's my dilemma even though I can't tell you exactly what it is. I need to make a big decision and I mean a big one. It is the right decision for me, I'm pretty certain this is the answer. I know it in my intuitive brain to be so. My practical brain is pretty much certain that it is the right decision and I think that yesterday after a day of cross examination by my friend on Monday, I pretty much arrived at that decision too. The problem then is that all actions have consequences and they affect other people. What is right for me, may not be right for them (conversely it may be right for them - I can't see it but it may be so). I dislike the idea of hurting anyone (OK some people on my "pay-back" list). That's my dilemma in a nutshell It isn't the decision itself - that's pretty much made and I know it to be the right thing to do. It is hurting and affecting other people through that decision and some of them are just passengers (if that makes sense) who are innocent bystanders in my view of the world.
I'd like to think that lots of people who know me want me to be happy, in fact I know so. For me to be happy, am I prepared to upset people I know and care about? Bloody tricky isn't it. I like to think that the one thing I hold true is how I empathise with people, I very rarely do anything that I consider to be a selfish act, I wasn't brought up that way and I've lived by those rules all my working and home life. It is very rare that I will do that but it appears that I may not have much choice in the matter and that I may need to just act. Procrastination isn't a good thing - it makes things fester and I can't continue to do that, I need to sort it out once and for all.
I want to be out of where I am now in a pretty desperate rut because I don't really know what to do with myself in terms of the boring stuff like having to make a living earning some money and I just can't get past the first steps at the moment because there is something holding me back. Sure, doing "something" will make me busy and keep my mind off things but I'm afraid it isn't solving the real problem I'd be addressing the symptoms and not the cause and so I go around again in a circle. I really don't want to work in Corporate life anymore - I can't stand all the politics, nor do I want to go Contracting - it was great earning all the money and the work was good but I was hardly ever home. I no longer want those. I can hardly get started at the moment in my own plans because I know that I need to make this decision first.
Anyway - still in the rut but know what I have to do about it. It isn't going to be pleasant though so will just have to man up and sort it out and bite the bullet, step up to the plate and stop talking in cliches :-)
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