Christmas Starts Today

The Turkey and other bits will arrive courtesy of DHL if they can battle through the gales and rain that is (Update: Arrived).  The house looks ready, I've hopefully wrapped and am about to post the last of the eBay stuff (for a while).  I've managed to get up after an awful night's sleep.  Frankly I should have slept like a log but was having a number of things rattling around in my head mainly related to a phone call I am going to have at lunchtime today.

I haven't spoken to "my Angel" for over 5 months now and whilst we exchange pleasantries online we haven't spoken for real since I met her briefly for a coffee one day.   She means so much to me but in the New Year I need to be in a position where she meant so much to me.  That little change in tense should say why I was in a bit of turmoil overnight because it's a statement of moving on and letting go of my past and despite all that happened in 2013 and all that it meant, how I felt, how it enabled me to finally become self-aware and the great debt I owe, the only way to really repay that is to make use of it and move on.  

Because it feels ungrateful it gives me problems but also whatever thoughts and ideas I may have had about the future haven't happened, aren't likely to happen and cannot be forced to happen and anyway, none of it is in my control either.  It's like Tantalus and I will never be able to achieve what lies ahead if stay in the same place grasping for the same thing - it isn't going to happen.  Being human often means that you grip on and chase things that are impossible or can never happen.  If they were meant to happen then they would.  It's no use trying to force it.

I have no doubt that we will remain friends but I want today to be a turning point for me.  So much is changing around this time of year.  It's my last Christmas in this house, my last "together" so to speak.  It will be the last as a family unit and I have no idea what it will be like next year.  I have no idea of my situation.  The New Year is always a good starting point for resolutions etc, a milestone of sorts and I won't be able to go into 2014 carrying any baggage.  I'm sure there will be some and that there are regrets and of course everything isn't ideal.  I just made myself "poor" and of course made Mrs. F. the same but it isn't all about that by any means.  

The one thing that has to come about has to be for me to become happier and to live my life and start to rebuild and enjoy myself.  I find it a shame that I've been "unhappy" for such a long time and didn't do anything about it.  Soon, I'll be in a position to be happy and to have, as near as possible a clean sheet of paper to work with. Let's hope I make the most of my opportunities and just enjoy it every day.  Keeping the worries about the future at bay will be a challenge but I have the tools to do that - I just need to work on using them and keeping positive.