Business Like

I'd say that Mrs. F. and I always did have a business like approach to things especially finances.  We actually sat down and worked out some financial stuff last night and we didn't get upset or tearful we just got on and sorted stuff out.  It was interesting as we need to cancel one lot of credit cards - well they want to charge us for the privilege of owning them and as I have another 3 or 4 cards that don't cost me - what's the point?  They didn't even argue the point...  You'd have thought they'd want to retain a customer.

It's the main credit card so I have to change all the people I have it registered with to my new one when that arrives!  Doh :-)  Actually it isn't too sad as long as I remember which one is which.  We are both going to now have our own accounts and of course that's fun too.  Who pays what bills and so on.  Mine is going to take a massive set of hits in the next two or three months.  Mainly with paying the rent for 6 months and any deposit and any other incidentals.  On top of that I have the investment in the business to make which whilst I can make in stages is still needed in less than 6 weeks start to finish I'd suggest.

For the first time in a long time, I found this morning as the sun shone in to the kitchen and I made breakfast that I felt a twinge of regret almost pain at what is about to happen.  Whilst I've felt bad all along, this is certainly a different feeling it was knowing that I'll be moving out of here, my home for all this time and that I'll be setting a new course and direction.  The main thing I suppose is not to worry about the future too much it will be what it will be and worrying about it will achieve nothing at all.  If I'm there for 6 months or 6 years it matters not, it's the journey, it's the ability to release and break free of the boundaries and barriers that were set and closed in on me over time.  

I see that over the years there was a general erosion going on.  When I first got married I managed to listen to and play music of all kinds on my guitars and keyboards etc.  I was able to look after an enormous garden, we made wine, beer and all sorts of jams and things from the gardens and hedgerows.  I played Golf regularly (my golf clubs are rusted, dusty sticks in the garage now).  I used to play Squash and Badminton - the latter to a good level.  I read books avidly.  Now more recently I've read more and more thank goodness.  I used to write creatively and again, recently have gone back to it. 

No wonder I felt claustrophobic, the walls of my life kept narrowing down on me and the straight jacket threatened to completely strangle me.  I feel much better having written these few sentences because in essence this is exactly why I am leaving and more so why I am excited too.  Of course I'm going to regret giving up what many would envy as being a good life.  I have everything I could ever need and almost don't need to work.  But at what cost to myself and also if I am honest, to Mrs. F. too.  What would it be like for me to be like I've been these past few years.  I've been depressed and moochy, I've been faddish trying to sort out what on earth was wrong with me.  I've flitted around trying to work on my general health and my mental health and if I'd stayed she would have had to deal with someone who wouldn't have been happy and who was sinking deeper and deeper into a depressive state.  

Well - that's quite enough from me this morning - I need to get a few things done - some more stuff to post off and my daughter L comes back from Uni later so that will brighten the place up and we can perhaps decorate the house and make it look a little like Christmas and see if we can get Mrs. F. cheered up a little.  She just can't be bothered to do anything and we need to step up to the plate and do something about that.  I also don't want everyone else to feel not wanted when they are round here.  It's unfortunate that since I've mentioned it, many people thought that they weren't really welcome when they came around here.  I know on occasion I've had to apologise over Mrs. F's apparent gloomy demeanour.  I suppose I'm used to not getting an answer when I talk to her or getting one of her looks.  At least no one need worry about that if they pop around and see me next year!

I feel better already - I have written all this down somewhere so I don't keep falling back into the trap of why did I do this and am I doing the right thing :-)