- you're going to die. Whatever you may think about this is the one that materialises right up there at the very beginning. I recollect being upset that I may not see the girls live to become married, graduate, have children etc.
- It will hurt. Yes it did but not in the way I was expecting. The cure hurt more than having the Cancer - which didn't hurt at all really. It was yukky and nasty but it didn't actually hurt me. Having the treatment afterwards was a severe trial but grimacing through it meant that it was probably doing me good :-)
- Self Esteem - forget it - gone - smashed up and thrown outside in the rubbish and cast aside as useless :-( Absolutely wrecked and pulled down leaving no signs of the original
- Confidence - yes destroyed and smashed up and generally trodden into the ground as 3 above...
- Relationships - tested to the very edge and in my case over the edge. A great seeker out of character of your friends and family. Those you though were closest disappear - unexpected help comes from those you least expected it.
These were the quick ones I could think of. Looking back I took such a pounding I can hardly believe it. Only now, recently, do I feel physically and mentally able to deal with it and move on. You can only imagine that the physical shock to your body can be immense but it's dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress that really takes it out of you. After you get through this and find you are drained of all energy (mentally and physically) you need to recharge yourself.
It has been 8 years now - and finally I am getting back to some sense of normality. I don't have a problem with fitness and I don't feel sick anymore. I don't feel as if I need to lie down and take it easy and I don't feel like I'm a victim.
The major change is that I finally got to a point in my life where things mean nothing anymore. Life is what it is all about and that's where I'm heading in the next few months. It will be an interesting journey no doubt.
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