Letting Go Of 2013

Well, here we are, New Year's Eve 2013.  I'm up early as I want to get to the Post Office and sort out money and paying in, eBay posting, then see Flocky for Coffee before we head on up to see the house.

Last night Mrs. F. and I did some transferring of funds between our accounts which means that at least I can pay the deposit on the house and buy some of the equipment for the business.  It felt both sad and strange doing that but it is part of this realisation that things ARE changing and let's hope for the better in 2014.

I had the most strange evening, I was about to settle down in front of the TV but L and her boyfriend were going to watch a Blu-Ray disk and had the TV set up for that so I came upstairs and ended up chatting to a lady I know who is working tonight and we ended up chatting for about 3 or 4 hours by the time we had realised.  We are good buddies and we were just having a bit of fun and a few laughs.  

As I finished that conversation an even more "interesting" one struck up and my (spirit guide) friend came on line.  That was both interesting and a little disturbing as we hadn't actually had a little chat for quite a while and it was pretty much a full on chat like we used to have.  We wished each other well in 2014 and with the promise of a much longer chat and a meet for a coffee that finished.  It's interesting because I'd just resigned myself to not having further chats and not having any further meetings.  One more of those things that happens for a reason or in a plan you don't know about and can never predict.

How strange and wonderful life can be.  I like the phrase "when one door closes, another one opens but sometimes we are staring so wistfully (not sure if that is the right word) at the shut door we do not see the other open one"  how true that too can be.  I pondered whether I'd look back at that on my marriage or indeed on my meeting in the summer.  Luckily I think I have the sort of personality and the sort of mind that allows me, once I've got over the shock, to move on and go forwards.  I certainly no longer look back and punish myself for the past anymore.

My mum says that the last 8 years have been pretty awful starting with me and my cancer and ending with this current state of affairs.  I kind of think that those 8 years could have been played differently and that had I realised that it was multiple things holding me back I would have been able to make changes a lot sooner had I grasped the opportunities earlier but of course I hadn't identified them at that time.

I see some of the things I did as being "cries for help" or distractions to help me cope with things not that I'd decry the work I did for the Charity nor for Doddle, both of which have the highest value in terms of altruism and intellectual effort.  I suppose you shouldn't feel righteous in doing good things but I do.  

2013 certainly was a major year for me in so many ways.  I once again had my mind refocussed on cancer.  It was the first year without my dad around but that was OK, not as bad as I felt it might have been and in fact I see it in different terms anyway now (death that is).  I see things in a completely different way, I no longer want to be "in" the rat race and will be happy from now on to live.  By that I mean I need to do what I can do, as best as I can do it and learn to live within that.  I have given up all the dreams and visions of being rich or wealthy and feel comfortable that what I have is all that I need to live on.  It isn't a rush to the finish post with the most toys.  As I laugh with some of my friends "He who dies with the most toys is, still however, dead!" and that's about it now.

Gone is all the hatred and anger at all those who did me wrong in the past.  Let them live with it.  Gone the worry and concern about getting to the top of the tree, being the best at what I did and playing the infantile games of corporate life.  In many ways too, gone are the ambitions for preferment in Masonry and all of that sort of worrying that goes alongside it.  The petty bigotry and shallow jealousy aren't part of that movement and it stands for far higher things than some people seem to think and aspire to - they've lost the very essence of the fraternity they joined.  

I think it was Dale Carnegie who "stopped worrying and learnt to live" and it's just that, surely?  Get out there, enjoy your life, be good, be peaceful, be nice to others, smile and be happy.  Sure it isn't always possible, sometimes it's going to be painful and life is going to suck but you can get past it and move on with what you've got left.  I'd have to say that this divorce (well separation at the moment) is pretty hard stuff to deal with, it's sad and it brings a level of misery that you can't explain. They say it is as traumatic as moving house - lucky I'm doing both of those things at once then :-)  It's letting go of the hurt, accepting that it has happened but moving on.

I'll leave you with this message from Eckhart Tolle which arrived in my inbox yesterday.  I like the idea of getting a weekly message (you can subscribe on his web site) to just kick you back into line.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”


--- Eckhart Tolle


A Happy New Year to you all.  2014 is going to be a great year for me, I can feel it in my bones.  Whatever comes my way, comes my way and I'll just have to deal with it.  Let's see what that may be.  The main thing is to embrace it and enjoy it.