No Internet

No Internet for a day makes you extremely productive :-) Internet is back but I really do need to leave this machine and go and sort out the Christmas Cards.  I think I will try and have them all done by Sunday night if I can.  It is ridiculous how much the postage is these days - it would be far easier to send electronic cards (impersonal as they are).  I used to send thousands of them at one time when I ran the business.  

We sat down and had a long (for us) talk last night about money and our future.  Poor Mrs. F. was shaking as we spoke I feel so sad for her, it certainly upset me to see her so affected still.

Mind you we did move things on and it sort of started the conversation off about how we will sort out the bills and standing orders, the credit cards, the various bank accounts and the like.  It was difficult because it needs logical and mathematical sides to be applied and it doesn't help when you are hurting and sad and upset.  I find it quite difficult myself these days, it makes me feel bad, not about what I'm doing, I'm comfortable that I have made the right decision.  No I feel terrible about being the person who has inflicted so much pain onto Mrs. F.  

In fairness we actually inflict our own pain onto ourselves and it's worth remembering that you can choose to beat yourself up inside when you can switch that off.  Your own mind (your pain body) is happy pouring and heaping misery  on to yourself, just like mine is now making me upset because Mrs. F. is upset.  I'm not physically hurting her at all.  I'll let you think about that for a while.

At least we have a way forward and in fact it is a bit more practical than I thought she would be so that too is good.  Small steps, easy steps are the way forward.  I didn't think I'd be tearful but I have been these past few days I guess because I see Mrs. F. like that and I don't hate her I just feel sad about it all.  For her as she sees no future and everything is a problem.  Whatever I say about it, of course, isn't right.  It just makes it difficult to rationalise some of these crazy pain body type thoughts especially if she feels that there is no future, no way out, there's not enough money and so on.  She is finding it difficult to come to terms with having to get a smaller house and that it may not be in this area.  Where her parents live and where we have lived for a good part of our married lives, where the children were brought up and so on.  The house has an emotional attachment I guess.  But I've tried to show her the maths but of course, it too proves difficult to apply logic when combated by emotion (sounded Mr. Spock like there).

Well at least things are beginning to move on - I am out Saturday, Mrs. F. is out Sunday, it is her birthday on Monday - I've got the card and the book - not sure if I will give her the book for her birthday it may not be appropriate or for Christmas - we will see...