Not In The Same Room

Yes it's difficult - Mrs. F. doesn't stay in the same room as me at the moment so it is all a bit of a fun filled circus.  I don't think it is done to make me feel bad - I think she doesn't still accept what is happening to her, her whole world is collapsing around her and the sooner I'm gone the better.

I believe the House that Flocky and I were interested in is being vacated later today which may help us kick start something along.  The atmosphere is choking and as with many things like this the stress appears in ways you don't expect.  Lying in bed and not feeling hungry and I'm in a sort of light depressive state at the moment.  The trouble is that it's not easy to go and do anything although I've invented things that need doing and tomorrow I can see me sitting in my room taking up time doing them and letting Mrs. F have the run of the living room and the TV.

Of course I also feel bad for her too and so that's hurting me although I can do nothing to help her through it, I hate to be the person raining down this situation.  I know, I know that it was me who got the rough end of a lot of it for quite a long time but even so I don't like the idea that what I do hurts people.  But there you go.

So not long to live through this now - about half-way through this holiday period and half way through the agony of the separation.  I can only imagine how upset she is going to be when I go and I think I will feel upset too.  It will give me the freedom to get on a and build my business - something I am severely hampered with at the moment.  I find I can't actually finish off the work on the detail of the business but I do feel that I've done all the work and it just needs me to pull it all together to get things moving.  There are lots of details but they can be overcome and whilst I'd have liked a January start maybe it will be a bit later.  Never mind - in the overall scheme of things - it just isn't important.

What is important is to work on staying calm (as possible) and to try and work through this.  It is without doubt highly stressful and so I work on my breathing and also on my 'meditation' or more like it is inward thinking and reflecting.  I can work on getting myself to good equilibrium but I find that I do need to work at it a little more.  This is things like ignoring the past, not worrying about the future and living in the now and trying to enjoy all parts of it.  I know that I am stressed as my tinnitus is back and has been since Christmas Eve.  When I get an opportunity to concentrate on thinking things through I can bring it under control  I do tend to get it under stress and of course, this being in the same house but no one's really talking to you is part of that burden you carry.  I don't think anyone is doing anything "on purpose" it's just the dealing with it mechanism  they employ.

I watched the animated movie 'Up' earlier - what a lovely movie that is, especially the first 5 or 10 minutes - quite emotional and sad in some ways and then later when the chap opens the album to see that the journey wasn't about travelling at all brought a smile to my face and I liked the fact that the writing stated that the couple's journey had ended but that his should go on and he should find new adventures.  How sweet that was - how poignant in my case too I felt that it was similar in many ways that I've had a journey to get where I am today and everything that has happened contributed to it.  Happy and Sad moments some amazing things have happened and 2014 just means to me that I turn that next page over in my book and the next journey will start.  

I don't think that I've made a mess of my life and I don't look back with too many regrets now.  I suppose I could go and say "what if" but those weren't taken and even if they had of been we can't predict whether they were anything to do with where we have arrived at.  But at least I'm not leaving a mess behind me.  I haven't gone out of my way to be nasty or to anything like it - I just hope for all our sakes that we at least stay in touch and continue to at least be friends although I'm not entirely convinced that is what it will be like for a while.  I have to give Mrs. F lots of time I think.

I've been late every night this week, eaten too much rich food at all sorts of strange hours and had far too much drink  as well.  Clearly New Year's Day cannot come too soon for my body to get back into recovery mode!