Another LONG Weekend

It is hard work rotating around each other - luckily I was out Saturday afternoon / evening and Mrs. F was out most of the day.  I lay in bed for a few hours this morning to keep out of the way and we have been revolving around each other all day.  I leave her to watch her TV programme and I'm in the office - I can wander down in an hour.  Luckily I have stuff to do and so that's OK by me.

I wonder whether my Eckhart Tolle book will arrive soon.  I've bought a copy for Mrs. F. - I think it will help her come to terms with her sadness - it worked for me.   I've had to come to terms with more than just separating from Mrs. F.  I had to shake myself out of my depression, move on and stop being a victim and more over deal with the intense pain of losing someone at the very moment that I'd finally got myself sorted out :-)  Life can throw some cruel curve balls at you.  

I had to deal with the whole lot but of course so much of it was of my own making in the first place.  That was what it boiled down to of course, owning up to and taking charge of the situation.  Removing the things that were giving me the pain, the depression and the sheer inability to be able to affect any of it.  For years I had used avoiding tactics and finally I took charge and moved on.

That book 'A New Earth' arrived at just the right time.  It didn't stop what was happening from happening - but it helped me make sense of and to deal with it.  The loss of my 'angel' was the hardest thing to deal with.  What matters though is that at that time it was what I needed and you can call it Karma if you will but it all happened at the same time and for what I humbly believe to be for the right reasons.  I can't say that I truly understand the reasons or the timing or why some things happened the way they did but that's what happened and that's the way it was.  

It's not as if my 'angel' is dead and it's not as if we won't meet again, it's just that for a short period of my life, through perhaps the toughest time (excepting having Cancer) there was someone there who made me think differently, who made me think differently about myself, who introduced the concept of Karma and who became the catalyst of many actions or at least suddenly allowed me to actually look at myself., take control and to make some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, to face up to and acknowledge what I needed to do about it and to start to truly understand and appreciate who I am and to focus on being me and not beating myself up about it.  

I appreciate that in a month or two I'll be out of this situation and into something completely different and it will then be a period of adjustment, perhaps a bit of quiet contemplation and then a rebuilding phase.  

I suggested that Cancer knocks all of your confidence away and strips you of your self esteem and so many parts of you are undermined not just your health but your personality and your human nature your humanity and so many aspects.  My 'angel' finally made me realise that all that was locked up in me and just needed to be seen and appreciated for what it is.  Made me feel good about myself, able to go and meet people and not be worried.  To see good in others, to be good to others, to not (or try not) to judge or prejudge, to use patience and empathy and to just be what I was all along but was locked in through fear of opening up and being hurt again and again.

But hurt I was and painfully so but I realise now that it could be no other way that there needed this earthquake of a disturbance in my life for if that had not been there I believe I would be so deeply depressed now that I would be on medication and probably the complete opposite of how I find myself today.  So now, I look back and can only ever think of the most remarkable summer I can ever remember for I finally connected with it all and still do.  I walked along last night to my "Hot Date" and took in things like the leaves falling and noises of animals and birds as I wandered. People going about their lives and it all just felt great.  That feeling is great and long may I continue to just enjoy being in the now - it is a good place to be.