Progress Sure and Steady

It sounds like I'm down and yet I'm sort of low but it's just the situation here at the moment.  It's difficult to explain it I suppose but when you are in constant contact with someone you've lived with all your life and you are splitting up it's pretty easy to get on each other's nerves - twice today I've had a bite back.  I ask a question and get a sharp sound bite back that is all defensive and aggressive - it doesn't need to be as I calmly remind them (it isn't just Mrs. F) I didn't say why was something done in a certain way I asked where something was.  It's pretty simple stuff but it's like this all the time and it is just constant and wearing.  But then as Flocky and I discussed, it was like that all of our lives.

This slow, chipping away, this forever something wasn't right here or there or why are you doing that.  Today was a case in point.  No sooner had she arrived back with her Sister and her Boyfriend than I had to drop everything I was doing to go replace his car battery.  I don't mind doing these things but a bit of notice would have been nice or even an inkling that I was expected to be doing it.  I did get up and do it but this sort of attitude I've lived with all my life.  

There's a good article here about it - it's absolutely bang on.  Lots and lots of little niggles and digs and eventually it blows up into a big thing.  Things that actually don't need to be said.  They are power plays and again the book 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle looks at this Ego and Pain Body type stuff.  For me it meant years of erosion of my self esteem and my self confidence already laid bare through the cancer and all of that.  This 'misery' and 'pain' heaped onto me. 

I know well enough that it isn't long now until that goes away and I don't need to suffer or feel it anymore.  That will be great for me - a little unnerving to start with I am sure but I am sure I can grow into it and that's what I hope will happen.  I've always been quite OK with my own company and that's not a problem to me.  As long as I can have my music and get on and do my thing.  Make a few bucks here and there and just get on with my new life.  

How disturbing it has been that some people in the room knew our situation and others, Mrs. F's father, sister and brother (and their partners) did not know what was going on.  It was a surreal few days.  No wonder I felt strange.  I suppose it will be a bit difficult to deny anything has happened when I don't live here! :-)   

I just have to get through these days and realise that all these feelings are mixed.  Somewhere it is the feelings of the end of an era and all the good times we had - for we did have good times and then there's the other bit that's the guilt which I pile on myself but when I think about it I did just about everything I possibly could and it didn't change - it got worse.  Things are still bad - in fact no one has actually changed their behaviour that much I feel just as alienated as did last year as I do this.  I know it's the right thing to do - just knew that it was going to be difficult and a little sh1tty.