That WAS Nasty

Poor old Mrs. F. - really went off on one tonight.  I'd done the Ironing and done the washing and the dishwasher was on and all was clean and spotless and then she opened up with a few salvos.  Not stuff we haven't been through before but just crazy stuff about how she'll never be able to live locally and she couldn't afford to keep the house and can't afford to live anywhere and so on.  

I've done some calculations for her a few months back showing her that she could actually live in this house for the next 20 years if she wanted to but yes she would have to go to work for the next 10 years.  Apparently she misread that the budget statement is increasing the retirement age so she would have to work longer then she wasn't going to send Christmas Cards and after reading my annual newsletter she wanted me not to send it to a group of our friends although some already know what is going on.  So I did ask what not telling people that we were splitting up would achieve and how come she was playing fast and loose like that? She has told her mum but not her dad and neither of her siblings but I've told our Nephew - but did swear him to secrecy about it.

It's completely crazy and then I got yelled at when I asked if she wasn't sending cards to people did she want me to sort that out?  When I got a couple of the silly responses back after I tried to explain the financial situation to her I wondered whether I should have shot the retort of "And you wonder why I'm leaving you" but I didn't, I drew breath and just tried to go through it again.  

She then explained why I don't see her much as she can't stand being in the house and now she wants to move out.  This is of course completely back to where we were in August when that was what I thought we had agreed to do and it would have made more sense in some ways for that to happen but afterwards it was decided that I would go and she would stay here. 

It's all pretty nasty but you know what?  It just made my decision the right one really because there's no way back when you think like that.  I thought one of the other curious statements about having a place for the kids to stay was also completely bonkers too.  Just because they can't afford a place of their own doesn't mean they are going to stay in this house indefinitely. I would have thought the atmosphere here at the moment would make that particularly difficult in the extreme.  Then the argument was if L ever got a job?  WTF!?  I mean this is a girl who is majoring in Accounts and Finance and has a maths brain and she won't be able to find a job after coming out with a Degree! 

I know it is emotion talking and I think I will change tack early on next week - I will kill off all this eBay nonsense.  Pack all the stuff away in some boxes and then think about what to do with them later.  maybe I'll stack them in my wardrobe and I can get rid of them later - I'll clear down the house of all the junk I've got and then do a preparation for Christmas and just get the place ready for that.  I can clear down the office and see where things go from there.  

I imagine me being pretty calm and not reacting aren't helping things at the moment either.  I am amazed at the ability I had to just keep batting back the arguments with logic.

Trying to explain that the value of the house, the savings and the pensions and everything else she could quite easily live on that for the next 20 years perhaps even 30 years didn't seem to work and I suppose if you aren't thinking clearly and haven't come to terms with what's going on you won't understand it anyway.  I love the bit that she doesn't earn enough at this job and doesn't really like the job (working with children which she chose so because she enjoyed it).  I wouldn't mind but it was meant to be a lifestyle job and now she doesn't like it, it doesn't pay enough money and all sorts of nonsense.  

Anyway - I'm letting rip here - it's as good a place as any to vent my annoyance.  I'll rub salt in the wounds on Sunday as I'm going to the Christmas lunch that this time last year she and I hosted.  I suppose she feels betrayed by me as she supported me through the last year as Master of the Lodge but she never actually wanted to go to that or the do in May.  The more I look at it the more I "made allowances".  I spoke to a friend the other day and was talking about the number of times I'd apologised to him for my wife's behaviour towards him when he used to visit the house.  I wondered if I'd imagined it and he'd been too polite to mention it until I spoke to him.  

So I found myself fighting a losing corner tonight for whatever I say I'd be wrong.  It is difficult to understand how I can see half of the assets of the marriage being OK for me to live on until I retire in 10 years time and she not see that.  It's basic maths that I could rent a place for the next 20 to 25 years and survive until my pensions kicked in.   I'm choosing to set up a business that will provide the money for me not to have to do that.  I don't think Mrs. F. gets that at all.  Many marriages end up with no money and kids being dragged between parents and far worse than this.  

Oh well maybe it is just me.  I had been feeling quite sorry for her and I suppose after this evening I feel sorry that she isn't coping with it at all well.  You'd have thought that after almost 5 months now it would start to hurt less and a more pragmatic view would appear.  I fear that she has always had a very pessimistic view of the world and it's probably even worse now.  The copy of the book has arrived - not sure quite how I'll work that in to the conversation if indeed I should.