I Like The Status/Term "It's Complicated"

For complicated it sure is.  I am not in on of these amazing tortuous breakups with all sorts of stuff crawling out of the woodwork, I doubt I'd get a line in the tabloid press for the whole thing is a sad and very slow train wreck that had been coming for years and I find it difficult to contemplate that Mrs. F. didn't see it coming but she said she didn't.  Yet all the warning signs and danger signals were there and it isn't as if I wasn't doing anything about it.  It's all too late now though I can't see a way back but had a waking dream that it was all resolved and all was OK.  

Maybe, some time away will resolve it for me as my mind still plays tricks suggesting it will all be OK and it will be new and wonderful - and of course it can never be like that because it was never like that.  It cannot be some romanticised version of events and it can never be like your dreams which is one of the things I've reigned back in.  The Walter Mitty moments are about as real as me living on the moon.  

I finally started to feel some regrets this morning as I  surveyed the stuff I'll move out with and finding the house quiet and sad where it was a place of happiness and fun for so much of the time here.  I was humbled to realise that the children and Mrs. F. actually were very upset about me being ill.  Maybe I never saw it, I don't recollect anyone ever showing anything though.  Maybe I was too blind to it :-)

It's complicated sort of sums it up at the moment because there are regrets and I am "feeling it" far more now than I have but I think that is because it isn't easy living here and I am trying to come to terms with Christmas (they sell if for families don't they) and all these adverts for the happy family all together for Christmas and I can't help feeling that I may be responsible for a pretty flat Christmas in the house although I am sure that A & L will be able to cheer the place up they can be pretty nutty and with my Crazy Sister-In-Law it could be OK.

I think I will have a chat with Mrs. F. about not getting anything for her Birthday or Christmas - not that I don't want to but it is just not going to be received very well and what would I get anyway?  I'm hoping that the book is here for her because I really want her to get out of the sad and lonely place she is in now.  Ideally I'd like her to go talk to people and resolve it.  I suppose I can want all these things but it isn't down to me.  I feel helpless to help her.  If I try it may be misconstrued and I don't want to build false hope or send mixed messages.  I'd love to go give her a cuddle and hold her but that would be wrong.  Poor thing - she looks so very very sad all the time.