Trying To Stop It Being Nasty

Met a bunch of people at lunchtime who know of me but don't know me.  We spoke about my split and after all these years and they sort of said well couldn't you save it and could you not be reconciled and I wondered afterwards why they'd say that.  They hardly know me but I suppose the number of years involved, that we had brought the children up and so on all added to the mix.

Well I did think about it after I'd done the basic defensive "well we tried" and the other bland basic statements..... :-) But do you know what?  I can't see it.  I lived with it and ran along with it on a premise that it would all work out OK in the end and unfortunately it didn't.  There's nothing here that I can see other than familiarity and just letting me get away with it that would be remotely enticing to me.  The thing that hit me this year and stop me if I am being a little sickly sweet here, is that there's this thing called love.  Define it as you will but, I finally found out what it was all about this year and I'd lived my own lie for years and years.  It was always going to get better when the kids left or were old enough but in hindsight that never happened in fact it got worse because the whole reason we HAD stayed together was for the kids - that was what held the whole thing together - our gravity if you will.  They going off and doing their own thing was great but when we finally got back together after 20 odd years of bringing up the children found that we were completely different people.  There in lies the problem.  We did everything right for the "unit" and came out the other end two separate and individually independent people. 

It's not a failure but it isn't as repairable as everyone blandly expects it to be.  How can that be so?  I find it slightly tragic almost Shakespearean that we did everything right, did everything as we should for 'the family' but ended up where we are.   It is sad but it is where we are and reconciliation is fine but after 4 or 5 goes at it and it still not working when do you get to a point and say enough is enough?  I think the optimist in me says OK, let's give it one last try but the realists says, you said that last time, you tried to achieve that and you ended flat on your face (again).  

I hate the idea of us ending up in some slagging match some nastiness and I just hope that it never comes to that.  Solicitors and Lawyers make enough anyway!   Have to say though that I can't see a reconciliation.  I see that Mrs. F. would jump at the chance but what would be the conclusion to that?  It gets neither of us what we truly want - or does it?  :-)