Meltdown - Was Near It Today

It was one of those things - I really had a huge wobble yesterday and found myself in all sorts of trouble in my head about it.  I live in my own world of certainties, logic and common sense.  When it is disrupted by Mrs. F. as badly as it was over the weekend I really find coping with it difficult.  I already hate the fact that I've hurt her.  I still like her very much and perhaps it is because I am being "nice" all the time that she is finding it hard to deal with me.  

It crossed my mind to think seriously about a reconciliation but then that would always have an edge to it, but I hate to see her feeling so hopeless and emotional and I am trying to be practical but of course, that isn't what she wants to hear.  I don't do this stuff particularly well I believe - I just kept calm and discussed each objection but the melt down really does come from those throw away statements "I'd be better off dead" and that sort of stuff are seriously disturbing but of course they articulate how she is feeling not any intent.  

But that played on my mind all day and it was one of those crazy things that happens - my head went off and did it's usual calculating and scheming and I wasn't able to halt it quickly enough before it then entered my dreams and gave me a fitful night's sleep too.  I look dreadful this morning.  I actually haven't eaten anything all day - I just don't feel up to it at all.  I've had a few coffees and some water but I actually feel as if I couldn't put any food inside me at all.  Strange but there you go.  I will have some tea though and we have our AGM meeting tonight and then perhaps a few beers with Flocky and the lads afterwards.  

I've made a concious decision now not to carry on with any more eBaying before Christmas just let what is up run its course.  It could be that we will know about the house in the next week or so and that will give me something to concentrate my efforts on.  I hope that Flocky and I can find a place and that it will finally give me the time and space that I so desperately need at the moment.  The atmosphere here is awful and I can understand why that is so.  I do feel so very sorry for Mrs. F.  her whole world has come crashing down.  At the moment, it's all my fault and I imagine she despises and hates me for that.  Her own future isn't clear and it must be frightening for her but she isn't speaking to anybody again and I keep asking her to do that but once again me trying to help has the opposite reaction and I don't know how to help her out with that.  Most people have told me to steer clear of that and not to get involved.  From my point of view though, she needs to talk it through and to see something positive out of this.  

I'm slowly beginning to feel better this afternoon and it's one of those things I know it is, where I am realising myself the enormity of my decision.  It's a big decision to have made but, and here's the but, it couldn't have been any other decision.  I feel bad because I don't like hurting people.  That's the be all and end all of it.   

I hope that Mrs. F. gets it soon.  She looks so lonely and helpless and I just can't help her I feel very sad about that, very sad indeed.