Oops close to 10 minutes

I chopped my family tribute / Eulogy down to what I though might be 7 or 8 minutes but it is more like 9 and a half.  So have sent to the celebrant to see what she makes of it and whether it can be cut down a bit.  Will see what she says.


Anyway, it is printed and ready to go and I need to read it a few more times as there are some tricky bits in it to get my teeth around!  


Finally beginning to feel it and it was good last night to be in an exclusive club - that's all of my friends have lost their dads now.  Three to cancer and one to a massive stroke, add dad in and that's 4 out of 5 deaths related to Cancer.  

Will he be the death of me?

The order of service is approved - apart from my brother's Eulogy which makes airline sick bags required equipment when you read it.   The Celebrant (Humanist) has been around to see mum and an order of service, totally in tune with dad's wishes has been agreed on.  My brother's poems are incorporated and the 4 tunes are now in place.


I have the Order of Service and have been struggling with the Eulogy that I am to give.  More so that I only have 5 minutes.  I reckon 8 is about right and so I am adding and removing things to try and make it suitable.  I have yet to do this out loud and I have yet to practice getting past the sticky bits where I well up when I'm writing.  It was great tonight to go out with my mates and have a few beers with them - we cheered dad and they disappeared off home, my friend and his son who works at the pub (born the same day as A) were there and so we had a beer or two and then the heavens opened, rain dropped out of the sky like a biblical epic - luckily they dropped me off home but the roads are like rivers outside.


I have until tomorrow evening to get my speech together and get myself ready to go up and stay with my mum.  I'm going to do this and stay there until she kicks me out to come home to my daughter, A's graduation which is next Monday.  It's been a hell of a July.  Mum's birthday on Sunday the 1st.  My Anniversary of finding out I had something seriously wrong with me on the 2nd.  A -- starting her job on the 2nd, Dad being told they couldn't do anything for him on the 2nd too.  The 3rd, an interview for me, returning home to find my dad had died a few minutes before.  that evening blowing myself away with films.  The 4th my birthday and a muted celebration, we have loads of stuff going on in July.  I will remember it for many reasons but it is often the case that deaths appear close to birthdays, holidays and other milestone events.


At last we have an order of service that dad and mum would be happy with, we have my brother's self serving eulogy to be printed in the order of service and we have a middle of the road set of songs that dad would have liked but which are not really evocative of the real him.  My mates were taken aback tonight at my annoyance of my brother's self serving, self centred actions.  At least he came up short today when mum vetoed the whole thing, dumped the vicar and got the celebrant in.  I've told her that I will fight that corner but I think that my sister in law has also listened to reason and will rein my brother in.


My mum went to see my dad today and she was able to hold his hand and say goodbye to him.  He was at peace and it made her feel good and she was able to say her good byes to him.  I can't tell you how sad that made me feel but it was nice to hear her so uplifted by doing that.  I don't think I'd have the bottle to do that.  


Now she has said goodbye everything is in process and progress for the funeral on Friday.  I think that I will be OK until the very end of my Eulogy - where I have to say goodbye.  I have a nice uplifting idea to do that but I have to man it out for the last two lines.  I want things to be a celebration of his life but as it is my brother wants it to be the gnashing of teeth, the wailing of a thousand grieving slaves and so on.  It will be what it will be and I will not give away the plot (apart from to my uncle in the US) before the funeral.  It will be a surprise and a celebration but giving me 5 minutes is difficult - it should be 10 - I think I can whittle to 8 so we will see.  As long as I don't blub I will do fine.

Mum on the phone in bits

My brother dropped around a copy of his order of service and so mum did a flip and thank goodness she has decided that she will have a Civil Service for dad not a religious one.  Not sure what my brother, the Pope, will make of it but he's such an inconsiderate dick and perhaps now he will realise that what I've been saying to him all along is right you just can't bludgeon your way with stuff like this and try and get a service that is inappropriate and not in keeping with the deceased wishes or my mums either.


At least, she now has the person coming around at 10 this morning to discuss it with her and what my brother has also done is to force the issue, I'd already told him that dad wanted a Humanist (Civil) funeral but he set it up as a CofE one without discussing it with mum or me.


GGGGrrrrrr.  Anyway, without my intervention, mum has decided to get back on track but she was mightily upset by the huge order of service and high Church content.  The last time my dad went to church was to see my 18 year old daughter christened so about 17 1/2 years ago at a guess.  I thought it  was funny though as my brother decided to add the caveat "Yes I read the Bible" to which the retort "It's a shame you didn't understand what you read" probably did injure him :-)  I take no prisoners in this self righteous behaviour.


Anyway, things are back on track and instead of getting his way, which we were happy to go along with, it has all backfired because of the heavy hand he played.  I hope that mum will chat to the person later and just get what she wants.  

The phone call and an unplanned night out

Flocky Bicep and I were out this morning for some coffees and a chat - he's a great help to me and I hope that I am also of some use to him.  Dealing with my brother and his sudden reincarnation as primate of the Church of England has been a lot more difficult than you can imagine as I am towing a difficult middle ground between what my mum wants and what my brother thinks should happen.  


Thankfully the vicar will arrive and talk to my mum when my brother is at work and so she may actually be able to discuss the ceremony SHE wants for dad and the sort of thing that HE wanted.  It is difficult when you are dealing with a religious zealot and the remainder of the family who need closure but who also know that dad, who's funeral it is after all, just wanted to go in, be stuck on the fire and flushed down the loo (those are his words not mine BTW).  


This high Gothic ceremony of mourning my brother wants is just so OTT and so it was great the Flocky and another good friend invited me out for a couple of beers tonight.  That ended up with a curry and a whisky chaser but it was good to get our own problems (and we each have them) off our chests.  I feel like some sort of hard as nails villain in the way I speak about my dad and his wishes but actually, he doesn't want any bother or any fuss, he wants a small, close and simple ceremony that is short and that allows everyone to get on with their lives.


When I listened to myself tonight I realised that I have all the answers to why my father treated me like he did in these last 10 years and in many ways why my brother and I have separated over the past 20 years or so too.  Things become clear but they don't get any easier.  There are other problems that will manifest themselves after this latest hurdle is overcome (didn't mean for that to sound as bad as it looks) and I need to rise to them.


It was nice to get out and to have a beer or two with the boys.  Unfortunately I have to repeat the process again tomorrow with my school chums.  I hope I bear up as well as I did again tonight?

Driving me up the wall

My brother - saints preserve us.  My dad wasn't religious as such - he used to be, he may well have believed in something but not that I was aware of and my mum and I were pretty much convinced that he wanted a humanist service.  My brother who appears to have gotten "all religious" on us has produced an Order of Service that you could bury a Pope with.  Never have I seen such utter drivel and I've gone through this with him a number of times and I've just found out he's fannying around with it again changing the wording and the music.


So I had to ask him was this the template that the Funeral Director and the Vicar gave him - then he got all defensive and said he'd got it from the Internet and he read the bible which may come as a surprise to me :-)  A bit rich as I thought I was reading most of the New Testament when I read his order of service.  SO he hasn't spoken to the Vicar (which he wanted) or the Funeral Director.  He has pages and pages printed out and has run it down to the very second on a timetable FFS!!  Give me strength.  The Crematoriums have books that they refer to, the Vicar agrees the service with the family and we can choose the music and the hymns and what we would like but not tell the vicar what to say!!


I don't know what he is thinking about here at all he just needs to leave it up to the Vicar.  Dad wanted a poem (one not several) and so we can request that.  He's cut and pasted it and not even attributed it to the author!  He doesn't even know why I suggested that he should.  What I actually hope is that the Vicar just goes and talks to my mum and she can discuss a nice simple ceremony with him/her and we can choose the 3 tracks and we have some spare if needed but it's just a nonsense and completely over the top for a simple in and out ceremony, that is all that my dad would have wanted and also all that my mum wants.  I might suggest that he sets up a Celebration of Life Service that he and he alone attends - no one is interested in this fake and completely out of step idea.  Bloody hell, I know he has a stake in this, of course he does, but you'd have thought he would just accede to mum's and by default therefore, dad's wishes.  Bloody idiot.  It's like walking on egg shells with him - he's just gone way over board on all this stuff.  I've told my mum to write down her express wishes and put those in with her will and then there's no doubt.


I know he doesn't like my dad's wish not to have a memorial stone, a plaque or any such device, he just wants his ashes scattered at the Crematorium and that's it.  He wants no shrine to come back to, no one having to remember anniversaries or birthdays.  It's over and done and everyone needs to get back on with their lives.  There's the rub, he wanted to make sure I got back home to my family and my girls so did my mum.  I was so concerned that I couldn't be there but they said that it was their choice to move away and once I had finished school, got a job, got married, moved house, got my family, that they didn't expect anything more than the start in life and that I was to concentrate on my family.  Pretty level headed stuff - pragmatic stuff, a realistic attitude.  My kid brother wouldn't get this even if you sat down and explained it to him.  


I don't have many dealings with him because of this diametrically opposite view on the world and life.  I don't hate him or anything like that but I don't like his life choices or anything else about his parochial existence, is attitude, his interference, his self righteousness and  his imposition on to others.  He is the worst type of convert who takes great joy in ramming something you don't want to do down your throat and having no ability to see any other view but his own.  


I will try and compromise and work this out with him but he is trying my patience and my mum's too.  Luckily he is at work all this week and so hopefully mum can meet the vicar on her own and agree things with him.  As long as we get dad's poem and a few bits of music in place the rest of the crap he's put forward can go to hell in a hand cart as far as I'm concerned.  Things are going to be fraught enough on Friday without the doom and despair and sickly sweet vomit inducing crap my brother is suggesting we put in.  


Silly isn't it that I might fall out even further over something as serious as my father's funeral.  Mind you, it wouldn't be the first time in the past 11 months he's come up with some hair brained shit.  He was after all the person who suggested it was my dad who was being selfish for not having a 13 hour operation that had a 50:50 chance of prolonging his life - at the age of 81!  Also the idea of bringing my dad home when it needed a team of nurses around the clock to look after him in hospital.


I do hope that after Friday he takes a break - he hasn't had a holiday in 10 years I think, and just chills out.  Right let's take a deep breath and see if I can chat to him a little bit more about whether he really wants his Eulogy in the Order of Service too.  It's the sort of thing that I write when I'm emotionally challenged and then delete 5 hours later after I've had time to think about it :-)  It's a pathetic piece of emotion soaked drivel full of insecurities, stuff cut and pasted from the internet and should be consigned to be written on toilet paper in my humble opinion of course.   I think he feels some sort of guilt and need for confession.  The test is, would I say this to his face if he were here?  The answer is NO I wouldn't say half of it as he'd have thought I'd gone "soft in the head".  That's the mark of it.  I'm writing the family tribute.  That's the test I'm applying.  Would it be suitable in a place of worship, would it be decent at a funeral to say it, would it convey our feelings about him (expressed whilst he was alive - not what we didn't have the guts to say to him when alive) and does it reflect what he was like because many people wouldn't have seen dad for 16 or 17 years or only at Weddings and Funerals (maybe).  I doubt there will be more than 20 at the very most there and 15 are close family and of those there are only 9 of us who actually knew him in the last 10 years of his life.  Everyone else wouldn't have seen him for a long time although they may have spoken to him on the phone.  My friends haven't seen my dad for 20 or so years since my children were christened I guess.  


You also have to remember that is also true of my brother as many haven't seen him for that length of time either....

Family Tribute

I'm working on this and despite having written one of these some months ago, it isn't fit for purpose now.  So I'm starting at the beginning and writing that although I don't know how much time I have I'm aiming for 5 to 10 minutes.  At the moment I don't feel "upset" it that's the right word.  I just hope that my lot keep it together until after I have spoken so that I don't have to fight through seeing them crying whilst I'm trying to deliver a tribute to dad.


I need to also hit the right balance between it being respectful and humorous - I can't imagine him wanting me to do anything other than to say a few nice words and then get on with it.  


Maybe it's me but I don't have the views that he's watching over me and all that guff.  I hope that if there is a heaven he is reunited with other loved ones there (only the ones he wants to see) and is taking it all in and more than anything else, that he is at peace.  I get the distinct vibes from my mum that things haven't always been what they seemed to be and that there were other reasons dad moved home so often, didn't go out much and so on.  Oh well, will no doubt find out in the fullness of time.

I Wonder Quite How Strange It Is

I'm not feeling all massively upset about my dad's death.  I know, well I think I know, that it is unusual, that I'm feeling sort of neutral.  I get the odd twinge and I get a little upset at times but that's more about him sitting helpless in that bed and just the compassionate side of me, I hate suffering.

But now, dad's no longer suffering, nor is he in pain and all the horrible stuff has gone, the daily hospital grind that meant he didn't know what time of day it was, what day or month and so on.  The pressure on my mum to constantly be there for him (he was terribly demanding and mum was his true constant throughout his life), her devotion - she was there every day for him without fail even if he slept all the time she was there.


I admire that devotion, that love of my dad by her and yet I have none of that myself.  I suppose I didn't have the relationship with him that my brother and my mother had - not that I mind that, I have an inclination that I am very much like him except that I don't have the sort of bond and relationship they had.


All a bit cold fish really and yet I had a few wobbles but not for me, for others.  My brother has been so strange since we found out that dad had Pancreatic Cancer and totally absurd in some of his ideas about what dad should have done.  I liked the bit where he thought dad was being selfish (not having a massive operation) and didn't really get the irony of the situation that it was in fact he who wanted the operation to happen.  Why?  You can't have operations with low success rates just because you want someone to live longer for your own ends and means.  I've tried so hard to talk to him or rationalise stuff mainly because he has been gradually disengaging with me for years.  I have a low opinion of him now and all he does if give me reasons all the time to keep making it lower.  He's driving my mum to distraction when she really needs support and assistance and more than anything balanced understanding of what she is going for.  


You really have to see the mindless drivel he pumps out on Facebook to get the idea.  As a friend of mine said "Is he in Holy Orders?"  It feels like it.  He is also gushingly, puke invoking, vomit inducing, flesh crawlingly, chringe inducingly sentimental....  Reading a comment would induce Diabetes.


The trouble is he doesn't understand that no one wants to have His idea of a service for dad, it just isn't him and the utter bollocks he has written for the Order of Service made my mum finally say that she is "having trouble with him!" he just isn't thinking or acting straight.  I think I may now have stopped him writing cards from us with his verses on as I think he went down the shop and got a couple more cards just for his family so he can put his cheap verse (probably pulled from some second rate internet source) on them.   At least it looks as if the vicar will be able to come and talk to mum without either my brother or me there and she can tell him what sort of service she wants for dad.  Hopefully that will mean that the Order of Service (or as I like to call it - "War and Peace" written by a hooker) will actually reflect a short, poignant and dignified service.  I'm sure my brother couldn't have made it any tackier if he had bought Kiss me Quick Hats, served chips and mushy peas and have had the Dagenham Girl Pipers playing the music.  

Getting on with it

Things are complete here except for speaking to the vicar to discuss the order of service.  It is no use me hanging around - mum doesn't want me to and I can pick up my daughter tonight and drive her home at the same time so that's a bit of a plan too.


At some time or the other I need to leave mum here to her devices, she knows that after that she will hit a brick wall and be bad for some time - won't we all?  I haven't really had a bad time of it, I did have some sadness (watching Field of Dreams) and a little the other day when my mum told me what she wanted written from her on the flowers "Thank you for being my best friend"  there, bugger it, tears in eyes again.  That's because mum and dad were very much in love, very close and have always been so.  That's why I'm quite lucky because I was brought up in that environment.  However, I'm not inclined to be a blubbing sort and remember being cut up at my Uncle's funeral because there were so many people there and so many people who were in tears.  His death was particularly tragic and sudden which also didn't help.


I have to do the family tribute but just hope I can hang out for that because I just know what my brother and his lot will be like and my mum too.  Perhaps I'd better make sure I don't make that too emotional.


So I'll be off home a little later, after the F1 from Silverstone (which looks to be more like a boat race) and the Tennis with Andy Murray trying to go for glory.  That gives me an extra day or so to write this thing.  Additionally it will also mean I don't have to battle over the order of service with my brother.  If anyone has gone over board it is him!  He can be a right pillock sometimes and writes saccharin sweet rubbish and bollocks, oh dear, I suppose that's his way of dealing with it.

Nearly Everything Done Now

In fact so much is now complete that I will go home tomorrow night and pick up my daughter L on the way home.  That saves her a train journey and the cost on that.  


All the paperwork is complete - dad is at rest locally, mum is sort of OK but has the most awful "nervous" cough which only seems to go when she has a cough sweet or some honey, hope that it will go away after the funeral - it is directly related.


So far we've managed to get just about everything completed except the order of service and I'm waiting to hear how long I can speak for in the 25 minutes we are there.  We have an overall window of 45 minutes start to finish but just the 25 minutes for the ceremony itself.  With any luck, that will mean that the music is limited to 3 songs (maybe 4) and that means that the verses will also drop down to one or at best two not some of the epic poems that my brother thinks are required.  


Went out to lunch with him today and hope that he's happy with my wishes for the cards and in fact it appears he may have gone in an gotten some for himself and his family so that they can have their verses on those too.  I shudder at the sickly sentimentality of it all.  Thank goodness I only see him very occasionally - he may look like me but goodness knows where he gets his ideas from.


As an example here is what he put on facebook:


"My Bestfriend

No one can hear my screams
In my thoughts or in my dreams
As I lie here waiting patiently 
I wait for the day you come back to me

God took you away 
He made me let you go 
It happened for a reason 
That’s all I care to know

Lately I have been thinking
Thinking about the past
The laughs and cries we shared together
You died too young, too fast

I will always think back
Back to that horrible day
The day I found out
That you, my friend, my father died.

God Bless Dad, no more pain, no more suffering XXXX"

Of course, I'm not saying it is a bad thing but I'm not certain that he would relate to this at all (dad that is).  I mean "You died too young too fast"  Well he was 81 and it took close to a year.  Not certain I get this sort of stuff at all.

Most things done

Just trying to finalise my list of things to be done.  Have recorded the death, got the permission for dad to come home (well to the Chapel of Rest).  He is now just around the corner here and mum will go and see him next week.  It's not my sort of thing at all really, I don't get why you'd want to see a dead person.  I'm sure it wont be horrid but it doesn't appear high up on the things I want to do.  All the letters and emails, phone calls and arrangements are now made and I'm trying to work on convincing my brother who isn't a man of the cloth to stop acting like a vicar and writing loads of sentimental slush on things.  I'm happy to let him have his way on the Order of Service with his Eulogy on the back pages, I'll be delivering the family tribute.


The problem I have with it is this, my brother has got really uptight and just writes the most cringe worthy stuff that my dad would hate.  He really has lost the plot.  So there's been a few frank exchanges of view about it and certainly in terms of the music, I've managed to change that to something a bit more like my dad would like and I hope when we see the vicar that we can have a minimalist version with just enough religious content to make sure things are done properly.  My brother had also misinterpreted the amount of time we have so he thought 45 minutes but when I spoke to the Funeral Director to check it is actually 25 minutes so there's something that can be worked on to minimise the impact.


Anyway, I'm delighted that I have managed to get so much achieved and that the funeral will go ahead in a weeks time.  Now to make sure that my brother sees my point about writing prose on the flowers dedication cards.  It was lucky I didn't read beyond the first few lines it was that sentimental I might have puked up.  He needs to get out more.

Strange Day

I have a headache but atmosphere (humid heavy) and the stresses and strains of the day have all added to things.  Mum phoned this morning and both of us had our birthdays messed up a bit.  I doubt dad even knew what day it actually was and he would have been distressed if we had told him.  I'm now just getting ready to go up for 4 or 5 days to see what I can do.  


Quite a bit has happened already and so that's OK but certificates need to be collected, the Registrar of Births and Deaths needs to issue the Death Certificate and other paperwork and then we can proceed.  It looks like, as long as I can achieve paperwork tomorrow, we can go ahead with a funeral on the 13th July.  They were going to go for the 16th but that is A's Graduation Ceremony so that's not possible and it is her first week in the job and she needs compassionate leave so she is a bit worried about that too.


I'm going to get ready now as I will set off at around 4 am to avoid the traffic and so that I can be with mum for breakfast.  It also avoids the toll on the river crossing too :-) 

On Reflection

Going out to dinner and not cancelling it was a good thing to do.  Telling my daughter in the Restaurant wasn't ideal but she went straight there and I was hoping she would come home first.


Cracking open a bottle of Champagne and toasting my dad also not such a bad idea.  Putting on the film Koyaanisqatsi  was, I feel, a nice way to sit down and reflect on things.  However, whatever made me select Field of Dreams afterwards is somewhat debatable.  I suggest to you that if you remember the ending you may recollect why I found tears very easy last night, nothing much just tears at those last scenes before the cars arrived.  Magical moment really as it is really an uplifting film, maybe a bit cheesy but uplifting nevertheless.  The final film I tried to watch but was too tired was 2001 - dad loved Science Fiction and I thought 2001 was indeed another sure fire certainty to set me right.  However, I didn't even get as far as the Docking sequence and had to retire to bed.


Slept well with all that Champagne in my system it would be difficult not to.  I think my dad would be laughing mischievously today though as my birthday card I opened today comes from him.

And that's it - Dad is dead

I arrived back home and got the call from my brother that dad had just died a short time before he called.  It is all a bit strange and a bit sudden and to say I wasn't expecting it to be so soon would be an understatement.  But he passed away at 1:30 in the Hospital just as my mum arrived in the car park below.  They'd just parked up and the call arrived.


In a way I think that is a good thing, we really hated seeing him just lying there and all helpless and sad and at least this meant he died without pain and his life just passed away.  I suppose mum may have wanted to be there but I'm not sure that you can ever be there all the time and she's been at his side all the time she has been allowed to be there.


I won't be forgetting my birthday in a hurry :-)  I'm sort of OK with this at the moment, I feel a little bit strange but not what I thought I'd be like.  Perhaps after the shock has gone?

I'm a bit strange I admit

I decided that tonight I'd watch one of my all time favourite films Delicatessen which is a pretty bizarre choice given the early state of my mind and the news I'd got from my mum - or is it?


Those who know me probably "get it", I needed a bit of an escape and a bit of black humour to try and stir me up a bit.  Mind you, the problem is that it didn't really settle me down like I wanted it to and I'm still awake now.  I need to get up and get to my "interview" in the morning so I'd better head off to bed now or else I risk being asleep during the meeting.

Nearing the end?

I know I've been in a strange place most of today and Flocky came and cheered me up a bit this morning but I've started to lose my voice a bit and that's stress and anxiety and depression all in one there.  Nice to report that A had a good day at work but didn't enjoy the call from my mum at all.


Dad now realises that he is "fading away fast" and that he is dying, he said as much today and the Doctor came along and basically said "Sorry old chap, I can't do anything more for you other than to make you feel comfortable."  So the Morphine Syringe Driver has been installed today and the inevitable decline has started.  My mum reports that he is bloating up a bit with water retention and she thinks that is a precursor to Renal failure.  


I have a meeting tomorrow for a potential job and on Wednesday I'm due out - and it's my birthday.  The girls are threatening to take me out tomorrow evening for a meal and so I'll make that and just have to take pot luck on what has happened during the day although mum and kid brother have my mobile if they need me.


I have to say I'm really not in a great place today, the 6 year anniversary hasn't helped much and  I'm just going to have to see what will be this week.   I really don't feel great but that's pretty obvious why that is.

Nice on Flocky

Came over and took me out for a Coffee and I wasn't allowed to pay and he added the points onto my loyalty card and paid for the car park.  Worried he'll be calling me a free loader now :-)


Actually though, it was very nice to get out and have a little company and to take my mind off of today - it is strange though I still feel sick but sort of half way up my throat - I don't know if that is stress or what it is but there you go.  Funny reaction considering it's all over but I suppose when you think of it, it's a bit like surviving a train wreck or something similar.


Will be good to get today over with and get back on track although I have to say I'm far off knowing what I want to do with my life from this point onwards :-)

A off to work

What a day - A goes off to work - her first day in the job - I am feeling nervous for her but I'm sure she will do just fine.  I'm looking forward to hearing all about it tonight.


As for me - well I feel sick - I just don't feel great today but then it is my 6th Anniversary and so not really a day I want repeated and I had terrible dreams last night and dad's situation is playing on my mind too.  I just need to write today off although I am pleased for A of course.


A lot has happened in 6 years, many things have changed and here I am once again wondering what to do next.  I dreamt a lot last night and it was all to do with living and not being where I am now.  It sounds strange but it was all about whether working and building my pension now would be any use to me in the long run and if I'd even make it that long (I know - I have disturbing and strange dreams).  It was throwing something right into the mix and asking whether or not to conform or to just get out there and do something or live a life less ordinary (sorry I must have stolen that from somewhere).  


Well - I'm sure that something will come out this week - be glad to get today out of the way and hope to feel better tomorrow especially as I'm off for an interview / chat.

Hopefully I'm not as paranoid as I seem

I find it increasingly difficult to not be blowing between high emotion and stony cold logic, between being in a totally confused state and one of absolute certainty.  In each day I flash between diametrically opposed positions with such speed that it should make me dizzy.


Tonight I flash between being upset for my mum (her birthday in ruins), my dad's health, my daughter's first day at work, the complete lack of communication between Mrs. F. and myself today and whether I really want to work or not and what I want to do.  I'm absolutely nowhere at the moment and now, well now, we are into 2nd July territory and the significance of that as the day I discovered I was ill (not knowing it was cancer).  I can still feel the utter revulsion and utter horror at discovering blood in my urine - and not a little - a lot.  


I feel that later on when I get up I will be having a bit of a bad day - it's already on me now as I write but in many ways, perhaps with A starting work it will become a good day in the future and not be about me but about her.  I often ask whether now, with her working, is my work done?  I'm glad that I survived to see her Graduate and see her start work.  I'm impressed that she only finished University last week and has a job the week afterwards - now that's impressive :-)


I am lifted by her achievement - I'm just not certain about my own performance at the moment - I feel I fail in so many ways and yet I'm told I beat myself up unnecessarily?  Maybe that's true, I just don't have the confidence at the moment and I just don't feel right inside.  Crazily enough I feel well but something keeps grabbing my thoughts and pulling me around - and I know it is my own self doubt and my own inability to deal with certain aspects of my life.  Such is always going to be my problem (as an INTJ) because lots of things in life don't make any sense to me whatsoever.

Her Big Day

First day at work for my first born :-)  I'm delighted for her as she has worked so hard to get her Degree and I can only assume, as she got the job, put herself forward well to get the job.  I remember how nervous I was on my first day and how long it seemed to be.  I also remember how tired I was as you seemed to use your brain and body differently and so I remember being absolutely exhausted after the first week.


She will be working at the National Gallery in London and I can imagine that she will absolutely adore working there.  As a child of 8 she asked me to take her to the Gallery and we had a great day, she showed me a number of famous pictures and explained them to me and knew who the artists were and what the pictures meant.   Not bad for an 8 year old.


I'm of course a proud dad - I just hope she has a wonderful time and enjoys her job.

A Birthday to Forget

Mum's birthday - she doesn't want to celebrate it and she's not sure whether dad knows it is her birthday.  I did ask my brother to sort out a card and he had already done that - bless him.  Of course, she isn't really happy at the moment and its a terrible drag on her as dad slides down towards his destiny.


Let's hope that tomorrow they can assess him and get him into the home because if nothing else the change in scenery will do him good and in addition, the view over the garden and the peace and quiet may also be helpful and maybe give him a lift.  He can have things in his room from home and mum can spend more time with him.  I certainly hope that it will be a better place for him and for mum as it is nearer the house 10 minutes not 30.  Fingers crossed that this can be achieved.


I was out with my mate on Friday and I now "get it" why I'm particularly depressed (there I've used the D word again) around this time of year and of course, it's the anniversary of our cancer journeys.  I was being freaked out by the symptoms of mine and he was just about to go into hospital and have a pretty awful procedure.  So perhaps it's the memory or the time of year that brings on this general feeling that I have.  It's even got so far as I'm even thinking of not taking the job (that I haven't even got yet) and I'm full of self doubt and just don't know what to do for the future.  Stupid I know and the trouble is that I've got an answer in my head - it just isn't the answer that I want right now.  The answer is right for me but perhaps not for everyone else and I just wonder whether that might be the thing I've been struggling with all this time?  


Perhaps that's what is taxing me and has been for ages.  I know the answer and have done for ages I just haven't the courage to carry it out.  So should you do what you want and sod everyone else when you've got commitments at home?  Should you go and do something like that?  You may think that for 2 years I've done that - but that was business.  Here in lies the problem you see, I'm doing stuff that satisfies the majority but compromises me.  


I need to work this out and that's what challenges my mind at the moment and I can't get to the answer because it splits into an emotional and a practical one.  The emotional argument may well be the answer but the practical, pragmatic me is holding onto the logical and democratic (what's good for everyone) view.  I just need to work it through and the trouble is it is such a BIG decision to make, life changing and that's the problem.  If I go one way I head off and go do my own thing or I settle back down to mediocrity and I'm certain that after the experiences of the last few years is the last thing I need.

Home from Home

The home that can take dad was visited by my brother and mum this morning and they also got a call that the other home now had a vacancy and so that was good.  The first home has a garden facing room and they liked the staff and the cleanliness and attention.  The residents all seemed happy and all the questions were answered.  So a reservation, subject to them assessing dad was made and with any luck, they can assess dad on Monday and then with any luck he may be moved on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Well that is if he is assessed and they can take him of course.


The other great thing is that the home is just 10 minutes from home and of course, being a home dad can have some familiar things of his around him although he doesn't really want to have photographs as it makes him sad.  Just also heard that a friend's mother has been brought home and being nursed there by the family and things are now getting close to the end.  


Dad spent most of the day asleep today but is better than he has been for most of the week but - what I do hope is that he gets into this home and gets to see the garden and have a quiet room available for him.  Let's hope that this small change might pay some dividends and also give him a bit of peace away from the noisy hospital.

Quadrophenia

Listening to this after seeing the documentary on the TV and not wanting to watch the film into the night - have it on DVD and prefer it in surround sound and loud so just listening in my office to a subdued couple of tracks.  When I was in my flat, my flat mate and I used to have a Quadrophenia night occasionally which meant putting on the album and then cracking open a bottle of scotch.  These nights were never concluded sober...


News about dad is a little better and funding has been granted so brother and mum off to see a home locally to them that has space for dad.  They then have to go and assess dad before they'll take him.  Let's cross that bridge when we get there though as the others in the locale are either full or will only take private.  


I had lunch with my business partner today and that cheered me up as I've been feeling pretty down all this week.  I'll be looking at this job next week and also had a tip off about a job that ideally I could go for but it is a month or two away.  One that is right up my street as they say and one that I could make a big impact in.  However, I didn't get a sniff last time as it was a stitch up (despite them saying it wasn't).  We shall see, this time it is early doors and perhaps I can get some mileage in and get some people asking around on my behalf?  It would be a beaut of a job and I would enjoy the challenge as well as being able to bring some new skills to the job.  Let's see if it is still available.


On top of that though I'm still restless and I'm still not sure what to do with myself and what I want to do in the future.  It sounds dreadful but I'm all for packing it all in and just buggering off somewhere, anywhere and just spending time in a quiet way either by the sea or in the country. It's the runaway from it all thing that keeps creeping in.  I'm stuck here in my present, comfortable, do nothing existence and somehow I want to go away and live.  It sounds and looks ridiculous on the screen here now I've written it but there's something missing, unfulfilled maybe - I just don't know.  

Six Years Coming Up

Amazing where the time has gone and no doubt I'll have more to say about that later on and nearer and after the time.  For the moment though, it's nice to say that I'm still here and that I'm feeling better than I probably have done for perhaps 8 or more years.  I think that, like my dad, I must have been "going down with" cancer for some considerable time as I was quite lethargic and didn't want to do much and was pretty grumpy and not my usual self.  I then got a huge pick me up with a great job but it was only a few months later that I started on the roller coaster ride that was bladder cancer.


After the early shock of it all and the fear and all that, I got on with the job of fighting it and getting well again until today I feel that I've given it a good shot and whilst I live with the danger of it coming back, I don't think about it day to day but what has happened recently, seeing my dad, who is unfortunately very much on his death bed with cancer, is that I'd never really considered those consequences and I'm hating the process and the indignity of it all.  I understand that we all have to die but there's something more to it than that, it's how the body hangs on to life and doesn't seem to give in to it.  I see dad all wired up to cannulas and nebulisers and I wonder why.  There's no quality of life here, there's no chance of recovery and it is just a matter of time until something "gets him".  


What I hadn't come to terms with and I'm still trying to is that - it could have been me.  I know that didn't happen but it dawns on my how serious this all was and how near a miss (1 or 2 layers of cells).  That small margin, perhaps my age and relative fitness, my determination and my family made the differences I suppose.  But, seeing dad's demise in 10 months (which is pretty long considering most Pancreatic Cancer patients don't last long at all) has made me start to re-evaluate my own survival and whilst I say you shouldn't look back and all that, it does make you think that it could have been very different and I'm back to the problem of being in this mid-life crisis for a considerable time.  I've had 2 years of hard work which I don't regret doing - it's pretty difficult to take the complete lack of interest in the project though even by those who say they want the problem solved.  It speaks volumes about the rhetoric of the Government, the building of Quangos that hold an interest in prolonging the problems they are set-up to solve and the general lack of innovative and lateral thinking.  Ho hum.


So this middle aged malaise is all about me and I've got some sort of added issue now with cancer.  Seeing dad it has brought a certain "respect", perhaps fear that I've brushed off or laughed in the face of it before.  I can appreciate why it is a feared disease.  I know that I want to do something different in the future and I'm flattered that someone I know wants me to go and do some work for them, which may just be the impetus that I need to get off my arse and go and do something :-) I might just snap out of this huge rut I'm in - but I still have all sorts of stuff going round in my head.  Not least is this crazy idea of just packing it all in and going somewhere warm and quiet and just relaxing and chilling out.  

Ahem

It appears to me that the biggest problem my dad has now is his susceptibility to other things.  He now has a chest and urine infection.  Now, call me a cynic but don't you think you'd be testing those things regularly?  Considering he's had a couple of bouts of this already and that he's very sleepy and he's coughing a lot?  Well the senior Doctor was in today and he pulled no punches and had a bit of a go at the Junior for missing this.  Three days dad's not been great - finally some action.


I find that this particular ward really isn't up to the standard of the ones he has been in before and you'd have thought - if they want the bed for other patients - they would be making efforts to get him stable enough to move him, it's just one thing after the other at the moment.


I admit to know feeling a little anxious about things at the moment.  I think it is because I'm absolutely helpless in this situation and because whilst the right thing to do might be to be up there, I've now got the possibility of some "paid" work which I'd be stupid to turn away (or would I).  Dilemma - I still don't know what to do with myself for the future and I'm not certain that I fancy the job that much - it is a bit of a trek both by train and by car.  By train it would probably be two 30 minute journeys with a 5  to 10 minute walk between stations and at least 25 minutes at either end of the journey.  By car it is probably 1 hour although it isn't that far (20 miles) it is going through 2 major towns that can be bad - it used to be 20 years ago when I used to drive it.  Additionally there are parking restrictions so I'd have to find somewhere to park the car.  Oh well, I'll see how it goes on Tuesday when I go see them.

Doesn't Get Any Better

Poor old dad, he's now got problems eating or drinking - every time he tries he starts coughing and spluttering and feeling sick.  The coughing makes his limbs ache and he has to sleep as he feels so tired.


It's just one never ending stream of spiral decline, I hate it, it's really getting to me now, especially after last week seeing him really well on the first day and then the rapid decline day after day following that.  Was he waiting to see me before taking his foot off the accelerator?  Who knows.  It's just distressing to see him like he was last week and to hear that he really isn't improving either isn't good.


Oh well, what will be will be I suppose and we just have to hang on in there and let it happen.  


Sometime modern advances in medicine and technology may not be a good thing and keeping him alive (now with drips and the like) seems to be somehow cruel and yet we hold life sacred - strange strange stuff.

My Hospital

Is at the centre of all sorts of problems as the Trust that runs it has debts of £69M  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/telegraph-view/9356532/The-NHS-is-paying-for-Labours-dodgy-deals.html 


The picture is the main entrance to the Hospital that treated me and although it says Bromley it is really in Locksbottom, Farnborough (near Orpington).   It isn't the only hospital in this sort of mess either.  There is another article about how they spent £1M on a consultant to tell them how to reduce costs (what a manager can't do that!).


Oh well, let's see what happens.  I can't imagine it is going to affect patients as such but there ought to be some sort of adjustment made to these PPI contracts.  I worked on one of these things they were horrendously complicated and ran for years and years and there never really seemed to be a winner for the customer.


Since writing here is another article about this debacle http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/the-funding-timebomb-that-crippled-an-nhs-healthcare-trust-7888977.html

Bad Nights

I think too much, always have and it disturbs my sleep plus I'm not getting to sleep and then I'm finding it difficult to rouse myself in the morning.   Why?  Well it's dad really as more so now it is how he is that is making me lose a bit of sleep.  It's the reality of what's about to happen of course but it is also the indignity of it.  He doesn't like it being incontinent - he hasn't somehow lost his mind or his self esteem etc.  The disease and it's symptoms has robbed him of that and somehow it doesn't seem fair to me that, at the end of your life, you have to suffer these indignities but obviously that's what happens and I hadn't paid much attention to it.  Most people I know just died and I wasn't involved or they died very quickly.


So there you go, I am probably over reflecting on this and just adjusting my own expectations a bit now based on this.  It's not difficult to see why the whole thing is distressing, you see your loved ones melt away before you.  Dad is so thin now especially his arms and legs and a bit gaunt around his face.  I'm guessing that the tumour is the only thing making his body look "normal".  He's stuck in bed, hardly able to move and it is cruel and I find that distressing and worrying as I know what that would do to me.  The whole process isn't what I thought it would be, I was hoping for a dignified and peaceful end to his life.  

A Little Better Today

Yesterday I'd have told you that dad was just about to throw in the towel and that it sounded as if he was going to stop eating and drinking and continue sleeping a lot more and yet today, his blood sugars were better and so was he.  OK he was sleeping a bit and managed some food today as well.  


So we are back in a steady state and now wait to hear about funding and then perhaps get dad out of the Acute ward and into a nursing home.

Then Three Come Along At Once

An old adage about waiting for buses and after waiting for ages three come along together - there is actually an interesting bit of mathematics behind that - but I digress.


I've now got the chance to go for a part time job which will certainly pay the bills and I have an interview next Tuesday for that.  On top of that there is some branding and marketing work needed by someone I know and I've developed a sales plan for someone else.  I wont have the chance to work on all of them at once but there you go - at least I may get something to spend my time on for a while.  They sound like they can use my experience to bring together a program plan and all the stuff they need to operate their business.  Interesting.


I'm not feeling particularly good today, feeling it a bit for my dad at the moment who is slowly and inexorably slipping away from us and the helplessness of the situation.  My mum is going through the grinder at the moment, sitting next to him whilst he sleeps and sleeps.  Things are taking on a new twist now as without a home to move him to, we will have to rely on the Hospital sorting out something for the future.

Next Monday - 2nd July

Good grief - it will be 6 years on Monday since I first saw the presentation of my symptoms - pretty gross stuff called, gross hematuria, It wasn't good :-(  In fact it completely freaks you out if you can imagine peeing what looks like Claret...  Nope not a good day.  However, next Monday, 6 years on is a good day for A as she starts work at the National Gallery in London.  That should make that particular anniversary a more pleasant memory.


What a roller coaster of a ride this has been though.  Mind you, looking at my dad at the moment and thinking of what I had, I am pretty glad that I had something treatable and that I was able to fend it off (this time).  Things aren't great at the moment and I suppose it is only a matter of time before dad succumbs.  He has started to sleep for very long periods and is beginning to lose interest in food too.  Perhaps now is the time to be strong, I feel bad that I can't be there a bit more often but it just isn't possible.  Poor mum she has been constant at his bedside for 6 weeks now and it must be taking its toll.  She sounded very upset last night, especially as the homes thing isn't coming together and neither is dad cooperating.  He is a little angry and frustrated and I'm thinking that he hasn't "come to terms" with himself or his beliefs etc.


I find myself more emotionally fragile now than for some time because I'm not sure that I would be able to do that myself and I can only imagine the stuff that goes through your mind at this late period in your life.  He doesn't appear to be in any pain - which is good but I imagine that unless he makes a late rally, he is just going to slip away from us.  I dislike the idea of keeping him alive artificially but that isn't my call either.  I don't know if my mum was using that to warn him (my Granddad was fed with a tube for the remaining year or so of his life) that if he didn't eat or drink they would be forced to do this?  Hard times, I suppose I hadn't thought of end of life being quite so cruel but on reflection I suppose it has to take a while to shut down and the body is an amazing survival machine.  


It is my mum's birthday on Sunday, I can't imagine it being a great one.  My birthday a few days later, not sure I'll be celebrating it with gusto this year though.

Doesn't Sound Good

Dad sleeping and watch now as he is not eating - more because he is sleeping all the time.  The homes we found either don't do NHS funding or don't have a vacancy or need to assess dad first but we have to wait until we know if we have funding or not.  So mum not too happy tonight and I had to do some more calming and logic type stuff.  It's the Hospital who want the bed, they can't let him leave and go home in the state he is in and if they want the bed then they will have to assist us to move him to a home.  However, I do now start to fear the worst as his situation just appears to be deteriorating daily.  


Mum's tried to cajole him into eating but it makes him feel ill and all he wants to do is sleep all the time.  She's finding it quite an ordeal now, who wouldn't?


I had a call today that was rather interesting, about whether I'd like to go and spend a bit of time doing some Project Management work.  It's a bit of a trek to get there every day but they think they can work out some sort of flexible arrangement.  I don't see why not and it may well be useful to start to put some money into the account and begin to pay myself again :-)  I certainly could do with some cash in the bank that is for sure.  It is an awkward location though and with the Olympics coming up I don't much fancy the travel but perhaps I will be able to use the car for some of it.  Anyway, it will be interesting to hear what they have to say and perhaps to get stuck into some serious Project work again.  It isn't in an industry I've worked in before but it does look to be an exciting possibility and there may be some ongoing work in it.

Going Back - Looking Back

I catch myself looking back sometimes and finding that I don't want to go back.  I mean that I look at the past and the jobs I did and the good and bad times I had there and find that I don't want to be there again; ever.


My background of project and program management, commercial and contractual management and recently business development and PR and Communication all pale away now as I've gained so many new skills in building the business and I know so much more now than I did 2 or 3 years ago.  I see there are jobs that look to be right up my street, within my capabilities and stuff that I can do without too much thinking and without too much stress.  The trouble is that they would be hollow unfulfilled and I'd find myself bored and irritated being in them.


Then again, do I want to do something nice and simple and stress free locally and be told what to do and how to do it - if you no me, you'll also know the answer to that.  Why squander close to 40 years experience?


I'm still no closer to the answer and I'm just doing (or about to do) some fill in work at the moment and I don't even fancy doing that - it's for friends and so that makes it OK I guess.


Well let's see how the week goes...  See if I get any nearer to the answer :-)

Great News

Whilst I was away - A had her results from Uni and has passed her Degree with a 2:1.  We are having the Graduation Ceremony in a few weeks at the Royal Festival Hall - looking forward to that and we are having a big family meal afterwards.


So that's good news - her exhibition was amazing and one of the only ones that actually told a story - but then - I'm her dad so I'm "bound" to say that. :-)


So that's great news - she starts her new job tomorrow week at the National Gallery in London and I couldn't be more pleased for her.  I'm sure she will enjoy her job - I'm delighted that she got the job she really wanted.  

The Funny Side

After 4 days of trauma with mum and dad - it was good to hear that today dad wasn't really great but he managed a good one at the end of the evening.  He's spent a LONG, long, long time  asleep this week.  So as mum was about to leave, she sort of woke him up and said "Sorry, we have to leave you now, it's 8 O'clock and we have to go."  Dad says, smart as you like "Thank God for that, now I'll be able to get some sleep!"


So now you know where I get it from.  He's a good ol' boy :-)  


From what I've read this is the early onset and he'll get more and more tired and slowly slip away from us.  I just don't want him to hang on and not be getting any quality out of life.  My mum was SO upset last week and they love each other so much, they often appear not to.  I find it touching that they have such a great relationship but it is very strange to be a fly on the wall in this - I don't feel qualified for this - but then again - maybe I am :-)


What I dislike about this is that I've never ever ever known my dad be anything but the big strong father figure, the leader of the household and my rock and back stop and that's not what he is now.  For all his dotage, he's deserved my utter respect and it is that high regard I hold him in that hasn't broken the bonds even when he has "challenged" me with his strange attitude to me in latter years - which I now understand must have been this pernicious disease that will take him from us.


I'm being severely tested, once again, as I hold together my brother's old fashioned views and my mother's wishes.  Running the balance is, I find, exhausting and pushing me to the edge in terms of my ability to rationally deal with this as well as letting my (Vulcan like) emotions into the  equation.  By that I mean that I tread the line in holding it all together.  My brother wanted (up until my intervention last week) a miracle, the impossible, the emotional to happen.  My mother is devoted to my dad and I see the love they have for each other and I see that she is hanging on to every thread, every half chance, she jumps in with answers that dad just hasn't got the speed of response to answer upsetting him.  It is actually a trait that I too suffer from and have to stop, I'm a little too quick to respond sometimes - I know the answer and butt in.  Mum is doing this for the right reasons but I had to tell her that dad get's a bit p1ssed off when that happens, he just needs a few moments to gather his thoughts and then answer - slowly and as quiet as he now is.


So, there we are, dad isn't the leader of the pride any more and I feel bad about that and he just looks alone and lost and frightened and I can't do anything for him at all.  I can be there, I can cheer him up - he has always suffered from anxiety and depression (I have no idea why - I'm not allowed to know until after he has died why that is - apparently).


So it's all a bit strange at the moment and I'm not sure what I feel and what the future has in store for me.  I just hope that dad is allowed to end his life in a nice way.  Argggh!  

Bathroom Planning

Well what a long day it has been so far - so many things to plan and work out.  The whole room needs a revamp so that's plastering, fixing the floor boards and all sorts of things.  The trouble is that I'll need to get things ready for the plasterer who needs everything out of the way which is interesting as I'll have to cap off the water, the electrics and the waste pipes etc.  It is now time to start working out the costs - which aren't that bad compared to what I was originally quoted some months ago.  If I do this myself I'll save a couple of thousand of pounds on labour and about a thousand on equipment too.  At least it will give me something to do :-)


It sounds like I might get some work for the next couple of weeks which will be interesting - I need to make a call tomorrow to get that started.


All good fun.

Back to Business

Well today dawned and I had a small lie in as I was pretty tired.  I have to say that it was a pretty traumatic week and more so because I needed to do quite a lot to make sure that my mum was prepared to make a key decision and that dad understood why that decision had been made.  It is very hard when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something different.


The "end" is in no doubt but at present it is the side effects of his cancer that have proved problematic.  The triple bypass he had I guess is helping the situation now but dad is frail and isn't exactly going to get any better, in fact, the infection in his Liver and this Diabetes episode are making things pretty much evident that there will be no easy end to this.  Dad continues to deteriorate and just get weaker and less able to help himself.  This isn't  the cancer directly though and that is yet to kick in (so they say). 


Anyway, more will happen this week and I hope that we can get him a nice home, near mum, nicer surroundings and that he will have some peace and quiet.  


I'm back to bathroom planning and additionally to looking at doing some paid work soon too - I got a call last week and there may be the opportunity of earning a few bob on a contract.

Mental Exhaustion

Back from 4 days at my parents.  Been a struggle to keep things together but finally appealed to my brother's head and he agreed that dad needs to go into a nursing home.  I think he really wanted him home but the daily routine I've seen would stretch Job's patience and yo couldn't ask my mum to do these things 24 hours a day.  Certainly the staff told me that there wasn't going to be an infinite number of resources thrown at a situation where my dad would go home. The sheer logistics would be too demanding and the need for registered nursing care etc would become too much.


Having then spent over 2 hours in a meeting about funding and hopefully hearing that it is going forward for consideration and that it should be granted was good and with agreement from my brother and re-assuring myself that my mum didn't feel that she was pressurised one way or the other by my views, my brothers or those of the specialist we arrived at the point of telling dad.  I was all prepared to tell him but mum, bless her went straight to it without waiting for the Social Worker or the Nurse.  I like the social worker, he has been very fair and very straight with us and I had a chat with him and he agreed to turn up today.  He also spoke to dad and explained the NHS point of view about his treatment and why the next interim step would be the nursing home rather than straight home.  


I managed to spend time with dad alone and told him about the meeting we had had and why medically it was difficult for him to come home.  I was very matter of fact and took each of the conditions he has now and explained why it wasn't possible to do these at the house.  I also drew his attention to the noisy environment that he was in now and the relative peace of where he would go also that mum would have more access (I made him laugh saying I wasn't sure if that was a benefit or not).


Mum was pretty distraught as we left but deep down inside she knew she had done the right thing, the last thing dad needs is her to be ill and she would make herself so trying to look after him at home.  The problem would be that we might miss something.  We actually didn't earlier on and realised something was wrong with him which ended up with him on Oxygen for 2 days! That's the sort of issue that means he still needs ongoing medical attention, hence the trauma of telling him that he isn't coming home, just yet.  Perhaps, he sin't coming home at all and he said that to me.  He wondered if he was ever going to get some strength back and not be falling asleep all the time, he thought he would carry on sleeping until he died!  Well, I just had to say that I didn't know what the future held but I was certain that it didn't help being where he was now and that we needed to at least make one more positive step towards him coming home which was to get his condition under some level of control.


Of course, it is all pretty upsetting all around.  In dad's ward was a guy who was dying and his dad was sat by his side.  Bless him the guy looked all in and they were just making him comfortable.  For dad they are trying to balance his diabetes which is the problem right now.  That is now nearing control but additionally the muscle wastage on his legs is such that he is now bed bound and double incontinent (although if you are quick enough.... he isn't).  The trouble is that I watched as his nurse call bell went off for 10 - yes 10 minutes - it then took a further 30 minutes for bed pan to be brought and the whole process to have happened - that's 40 minutes.  It took 25 minutes for him to get 4 tablets down his throat as he gets easily distracted (and doesn't like tablets anyway).  It's all very hard work and then all of a sudden he is back with you cracking funny jokes.  Nurse says "Can I take you blood pressure?"  "Sure" he say "as long as you bring it back straight afterwards"  He does look sad and vulnerable and of course mum is in bits most of the time.  It's been nice to get up there, diffuse the potential family feud that may have brewed with my brother wanting dad home and my mum getting pressure from him.  I was saying to the professionals and my mum that frankly what he and I wanted was totally irrelevant anyway it was what is right for my dad and for my mum that's important.


So a long week and lots of things to think about and consider.  I was surprised how emotional I got when I saw the young man who is dying with his father.  He's a lovely man and no one should really she their child predecease them but he was such a nice man and the nurses too were lovely to him.  I went and got a chair for one of the visitors to his bed and spoke to him and felt so upset for his pending loss, just because here he was in that situation.  I felt about that for my dad for the first time this week.  I hate seeing my mum upset and I've never seen my dad like that - I've seen him distressed but not quite like this and finally I've started to feel the pain of losing him.  I think that my brother and my mum will feel it quite powerfully - they have been much closer to him than I have.  If I think about it, my dad really hasn't had too much to do with me since I was 19 or 20 and so I've not really had him on hand for 35 or so years.  I talk to my mum a fair bit and I suppose my brother and I haven't really been close for well over 20 years now since he reconstructed his life with his new wife.  I doubt that will ever be repaired we used to be - well - like brothers ! :-)  Now we talk to each other and more so recently.  However, on both occasions now that I have been to see my mum and dad - in both cases for 4 days, he hasn't popped around even though he is 5 minutes from the house.  Says it all really!


That will do for now....  Tired, need bed and sleep! 

Off to the Exhibition

It is the week of A's art exhibition and I'm going with her tonight to see it as I can't go tomorrow when everyone else is going.  I'm under instructions to take some photos for my mum.  I suppose I'll be allowed to do that?


It sounds like A will get her results tomorrow so we will know what degree she will come away with and then we are going to line ourselves up for her Graduation day in about a month or so.  I hope that will be a lovely day for her.  I'm looking forward to it.


Tomorrow I'm leaving very early in the morning to get to my mums in time for breakfast.  I'm hoping that I can cheer her up a bit whilst I'm there - and bring a little change of emphasis.  Also staying there (at my parents) will be good and it will give her some company in the mornings.

What to do?

It is a bit strange that I am still no nearer to considering what to do in the future.  I have done some work for one guy and other people can now see the "value" in using me and I'm still not absolutely sure that this is what I actually want or need to do.  It's one of those things that concern me as I really want to get on and do something and yet I don't actually know what it is I want to do.


It doesn't help with instability in the family with my dad and also here at home.  One is serious and the other is trivial but needs sorting just the same.  In a way what ever will be will be with dad and I will have to deal with that as and when it happens.  There will be the inevitable Kubler Ross stuff to deal with and there will be the need for a period of normalising for my mother.  We plan to have her down here with us and I think it might be nice to take her away on a holiday or have some time away at some point so that she can just take a little time away from the house.  I doubt it will be easy to have an empty house and all that entails.  I'm sure that we (my brother and I) wont let that happen.


Then there is some normalising to be done here.  It's coming up to my 6th Anniversary - it will be here very soon indeed.  I actually had some signs about two weeks earlier so in reality the very first show was about now six years ago.  I find myself, rather happily in a much better place than I could have hoped for back then but, of course a lot has happened to me since that time.  Some of that good and some of it pretty bad.  I have "an attitude" today that I didn't have back then and I have a much greater understanding of my abilities but perhaps I have never gotten my head around the one thing that really took a pounding and that's my relationship with my friends, my colleagues and my family.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have my family around me - today was nice and quite rare to see the girls and Mrs. F. all together - even in the same room (iPads permitting)!


What I think though is that I've strained things and now is the time to review and heal that or perhaps find out what the conclusion of those strains may be.  Anyway, that is something that needs to happen as soon as it can.  I'm feeling that much better these days that I can perhaps break away from my protective shell a bit and go do some living.  I just hoped that it wasn't just me wanting to do that - I fear it may be only me that sees things that way.  I mentioned 5 years ago that I thought there would be collateral damage and I fear that there may well be.  Somehow I feel my future may be served in a completely different way - but what do I know :-)

Father's Day

Both girls managed to get me exactly the same card even though they were miles apart!  We are going out for a Curry at lunchtime which will be nice - our local curry house is very good and do a buffet meal on Sunday.  Miraculously the sun has come out (was meant to be a horrible weekend) so that's nice.  Of course, how long it will last is debatable.


So after the curry I can confirm it was all rather pleasant and up to their usual standard.  I stopped short of going for seconds even though it is a buffet as I realise that I'd probably just be getting back to old habits and eating because it was there not because I needed it.


It was a completely democratic affair, the girls paid for the meal, Mrs. F. paid for the drinks and I left the tip....