Wednesday already

Blimey where did this week go?  Suddenly it will be Easter weekend and I have the Easter Egg Hunt to go to on Saturday - it looks as if, for the first time in its history we may have snow - but then the weather is a little too fickle to be forecast quite as accurately as that :-)  We have never had snow in the 16 years (or so) of running it - it may even be longer.   We've had it very cold and had it indoors and last year it was nice and sunny but this year looks to be "interesting".

I'm looking forward to spending a bit of time out this afternoon and evening at our Officers' Mess where we will have a nice meal and wine which comes heavily subsidised through membership and annual subscriptions and people who don't come along.  So of the thousands who are eligible perhaps 300 of us turn up and so our meals are very reasonable indeed about half the price they'd normally be.

I need a bit of an escape and some (male) company for a few laughs and a bit of socialising which are the main things, it will certainly lighten me up.  I may even be able to fit into my remaining suits, I will check those out later especially as I now fit comfortably into my Morning Suit and my Interview Suit :-)

I'm still hanging on waiting on whether or not I'm going forward to this next interview stage - it has taken close to SIX months now to get this far and it just doesn't get any easier.  It's the new Tax year next week so maybe they are waiting until budgets can be sorted out.  I hope so.  

In some ways the choice to go back and join a Corporate is utterly clinical and mercenary and in many ways it isn't what I'd do as a first choice.  I've some ideas about what I'd prefer to do and one way or the other, this will make up my mind for me.  Big corporate life will bring big bucks back to the family and bring with it status symbols and all that old guff.  It will allow me to ply my trade and work with huge businesses around the globe and that's exciting and great fun. Of course, I'm also not your average project jockey which may be giving them a few sleepless nights.  I tend to be one of the sorts of people you parachute in to get results and not everyone gets on with someone who gets things done as it tends to expose those who don't.  That could be it.  I wouldn't want to work for me!

If it comes about it sticks some serious wonga in to my account but as someone mentioned the other day that the results of my working at these levels last time may have contributed to the cancer diagnosis.  Well I suppose it may have but I'm certain that smoking and diet also contributed towards it as well.  I'm hoping that my new insights into lifestyle, diet and stress will come to bear in my working life - I should understand and be able to manage my stress levels but I still believe you need a bit of stress to work with or it really isn't worth getting up in the morning.

Oh well - I can wish away all I want to, I still haven't heard from them and that's disappointing but not entirely uncommon quite how they manage their projects is going to be interesting if they take this long to hire - the jobs are probably so laid back they are horizontal.

Wobble

I had a bit of a wobble yesterday but not too bad - I just felt a little down but not to a level where I was depressed - I was just a bit quiet and not really feeling great.  I guess having been doing things for a week or more and being out and about I then had a day of catching up and trying to sort things out.  

I spent a bit of time catching up on the adventures of a friend who is in South America reading a month's worth of blog entries and photographs of a trip of a life time.  How wonderful and what a great adventure.  I'm looking forward to getting away myself in a few weeks to Italy for just a week but it could just help me get out of the blues this awful winter and last year's events have left me.

I decided yesterday to reduced my carbs a bit and I have no doubt that in doing so I also added to my feeling a bit blue.  I've maintained that through to today as well by reducing the amount of carbs I'm taking in to those in my vegetables.  I'm out tonight and Flocky Bicep is picking me up on the way through - this time last year I walked as it was about 20 Degrees C warmer but it is bitterly cold out there and a lift will do nicely :-)  I was a little bit lighter last year than I am now but I'm certainly heading back to those heady days when my good clothes fitted me.   When I went to the same event about 6 months ago (twice a year March and October) it was cold and I walked but I was a couple of stone heavier than I am now :-)

I'm waiting now for my book The Protein Factor so I can read that and then compare that to the other books I have including the Insulin Factor, Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution, Tim Ferris 4 Hour Body and Gary Taubes Why We Get Fat And What To Do About It.   Each of these has a slightly different approach to losing weight but more importantly they tend to agree on limiting the production of Insulin or having a Low Glycemic approach.  Whatever you may think about these "fad" diets, this is the only one that I can see that I can easily stick to (4 hour body) that allows me to eat well and many of the things I like, lose weight and importantly not lose muscle in the process and I don't feel hungry.  The results are quite impressive as the weight is coming off all over the place.  Men tend to store their fat above the waist and women below but having said that I can see weight off my hips and thighs and my trousers do up around my waist (not under it) and my watch is almost falling off my wrist too.  

These diets are so counter-intuitive to what perceived wisdom says and to what we are told even by health and Government agencies that you need to ensure that something that sounds a little too good to be true really is.  Some of the things are quite logical and quite obvious and yet seem to have been completely overlooked or discussed when talking about dieting.  These books make great and blindingly obvious cases for why conventional diets don't work as people go back to eating the way they did before dieting and that they are literally starving themselves to lose weight.  The old adage of calories in and calories out also doesn't hold water and that fat in puts fat on to you also doesn't stack up either.

Indeed these books make you question the whole "balanced diet" thing and in a way you need to go back to basics here.  I suppose I'm old enough to remember when vegetables and fruit were actually seasonal.  Our garden never produced apples and pears all year around, neither did our vegetables grow other than seasonally and so how could you possibly have had a balanced diet many years ago?  You ate things when they were available and so you could imagine that at harvest time, man was presented with a complete abundance of fruit and vegetables but what on earth did they eat for the rest of the year?  Cereals and the like are very modern inventions and even more modern are refined sugars used in just about everything these days.  I'd be surprised if I ever touched cereals or fruit juice again after reading the sorts of things that go into them and as for sodas - well I'm horrified by what is in them and what it does to your body.

It can be no coincidence that presently weight problems, almost (but not entirely) a modern phenomenon are to do with a modern diet and the sugar and carb rich mixture they contain.  These switch our bodies into carb craving machines and our bodies store this for the future.   I'm over simplifying it but the Insulin Factor gives an interesting series of reasons that the body craves carbs and why you always feel you want more.

Anyway, more later when I've read and compared the books a bit more.   

Insulin and Diet

It is funny how I've taken a lot more interest in my well-being since having Bladder Cancer.  By that I mean looking at diet and trying things out and realising that I was eating and doing all the wrong things and in many ways I've been on a catch up since about 4 years ago when I nearly overdid the diet stuff and make myself ill.  Since then I've looked at exercise and diet to start to address my body's imbalance (as I see it).  I moaned about having no energy and being dog tired and having no strength.  I whined about my lot on many occasions and took to some "healthy" options and started to go down the route suggested by many of the "balanced" diet and plenty of fruit and vegetables so much so that I also decided to get a juicer to stick some heavy duty goodness from fruit and vegetables into my system.  I also used to use a mixture of Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese every day FOCC from the Budwig Protocol too which had some pretty good effects too.

All of these things though resulted in mixed results and it wasn't until I learnt about the Tim Ferriss diet from Steve Kelly that I started to bring together all the bits of research and started to get a bigger picture about overall health and fitness and some of the dangers out there especially some of the links between Cancer and Sugar and indeed some of the damage that sugar can do to the human body.

The article HERE that I highlighted earlier in the week is a straightforward explanation I guess of where I am now.  I still think there are some other things involved but hell - I'm no scientist - I just read lots of stuff like this and take the common sense approach (now).  I got a book called The Insulin Factor and I'm hoping to get Protein Power in a few days which added to the 4 Hour Body and the Atkins Diet books when read together appear to all be saying the same things.

I suppose simply the main points are:

• Humans haven't evolved to be able to metabolise modern "man made" carbohydrates.  Man has been around about 2 million years and yet has only been making things like bread recently perhaps 12,000 years or so.  We just haven't evolved to eat flour, grains and sugars processed the way they are
• Sugar and Fructose give you body a hard time especially because you need Insulin to take the sugars out of blood and do something with it.  Long term exposure messes up you insulin and/or your resistance to insulin - there's lots of things can complicate this - it is a big subject.  The Insulin Factor and the article above should worry you if you eat a lot of sugary things and if you eat a lot of processed foods 
• Carbohydrates were sparse and not plentiful in man's diet, neither were fruits as we know them today.  Things were seasonal, man didn't dig into Florida oranges all year around, or bananas or indeed anything like that.  Occasionally berries and perhaps some honey or a binge out on harder fruit (in the UK).  Modern fruit (nearly all of it) has been produced through man made manipulation of species to make them sweeter and plumper, less fibrous etc.  
• Man lived mainly on meat, fish etc.  Protein was a large part of the diet.  Vegetables were available - leaves and the like too.  
•  Sugar is addictive and turns on something in the body that makes you crave more of it.  You don't need to eat lots of these foods but they give an immediate hit to the body and the body craves more tempting you to overeat. 
• Carbohydrates are cheap and plentiful today as are products containing sugar.  It is easy to gorge on these cheaply.  Carbs release insulin.  Insulin helps your body store stuff for later.  Trouble is, there isn't a later unless you need to call on these reserves.  If you have carbs reguarly, the body doesn't need to call on the reserve and just continues storing.
• Everyone has been "sold" the story that "Fat" makes you fat and that things should be lean and that low fat is the way to go.  Look on a low fat yoghurt and see how much sugar they contain.  Look at most products you buy and see what is in it - you are pretty likely to find wheat powder or potato starch, sugar, fructose and so on.   Even in a stock cube I was horrified to find stuff like this.  It is everywhere
• Many diets work by limiting what you can eat - or starving you.  You feel hungry and it is difficult to keep the diet going as invariably it allows you to have carbs and fruit and sugary things that your body craves for.  You lose weight through burning fat but also, and more worryingly, by losing mass from your muscles.  Protein based diets don't do that, you may even gain some muscle mass when losing the "fat" 

So just a few of the things that should start you wondering what is going on and why are people so much heavier today than a few decades ago.  There is a lot of work out there about this and the one thing I've noticed about this diet is that I actually feel good, I rarely (if ever) feel hungry after I've eaten or between meals.  After a few days I didn't crave foods I liked any more so I've given up bread, potato, rice, pasta, cereal even my beloved soups were found to have sugar and other grain based products.   I've dropped almost all processed foods apart from cheat day (more about that later).  It took a short while to get over not having sweeteners  sugar, honey and other sweet things that lie around the house.  

The diet is predominantly one of Protein and I have vegetables and some slow release carbohydrates in the form of various beans (Red Kidney, Pinto, Black Eye etc).  It isn't that hard for me, I like meat and in many forms and I like fish and so I have plenty to eat.  I was a bit worried about how I cooked this so got a George Foreman grill and griddle combo which means I can have food without too much fat involved in cooking it.  It is easy to cook and I can generally vary my food throughout the week but there is some repetition.  It is totally counter intuitive to what you are told, it doesn't seem possible that you could, for example, have steak and egg three times a day and lose weight.   

Occasionally our ancestors would have binged out on carbs and fruit and also the body can be tricked into doing the exact opposite of losing weight if somehow it thinks it is starving it will re-start storing food as fat even under diet conditions.   Hence, in the Tim Ferriss 4 hour body he suggests one day where you "go wild" and eat sugar and carbs to your heart content.  This spikes the body and stops it entering into a sort of starved mode.  Additionally it allows you to have one day off when you can eat stuff you might crave or miss - for me that's beer and perhaps something sweet, cheese and bread which I don't have at all during the week.  I notice some diets allow lite beers and some allow cheese and some even allow a little bread too.  This is where reading a number of books and making up your own mind must come into it.

I've just ordered Protein Power which I will then compare with Atkins, Time Ferris and The Insulin Factor and will then hope to draw my own conclusions.  I've continued with the FOCC occasionally - I used to have it every day but it is a little filling and I've found it difficult to adapt as I used to water it down with yoghurt or milk and have it with cereal or dried fruit both of which are now firmly off the list from Sunday to Friday - Saturday is fair game though :-)

Having seen the damage that diabetes can cause I'm very wary of it and after having read the internal damage that carbs and sugar can do (don't get me wrong we need some of these not none) I feel that I'm getting my act together on this and making sure that I'm limiting my carbs to a low but useful amount and that I'm ensuring that the protein and carbs I do get are beneficial to get me back to a "normal" weight and also to help me maintain general good health which I am pleased to say I am currently enjoying.

That WAS a LONG Week :-)

I love my mum a lot we get on well but a whole week strained things a little :-)  We don't share quite the same ideology and politics and my mum is always full of well meaning suggestions and ideas but it can wear you down with me finally having to say (like I often do on Facebook) "Stop keep telling me what to do"  it reminds me a bit of  Harry Enfield's character below "you don't want to do it like that!"  So if you can imagine that whatever I might do whether cooking, washing up, something in the house, driving etc my mum has an opinion and a way of doing it that is not only counter to what I was doing or do but also is guaranteed to wind me up :-)  Bless her! 

So, I've just delivered mum to the station with L who will travel most of the way home with her on the train which is great.  I'm pleased about that.  I was a bit worried that the trains would be screwed up like they were yesterday.  poor A tried to get to work for hours and the trains were just iced up and couldn't run - this country - it makes you despair a tiny bit of ice and snow and as it was a weekend service they probably didn't run the de-icing trains.  I imagine thousands of people were badly affected by the lack of foresight of the train companies once again.  

So now I'm in catch up mode and trying to get myself back to where I was a week or more ago.  In the meantime I've picked up my book "The Insulin Factor" by Antony J. Haynes which is really interesting as it reinforces much of what I've been reading about our modern carbohydrate fuelled diets.   It also goes a bit further and gives a holistic look at lifestyle too.  We were discussing diet and this book added to Tim Ferriss, Dr. Atkins and the Dukan diet all appear to be saying the same thing but each has a slightly different slant to the benefits of a higher protein diet and less man made carbohydrates.  Certainly the move away from processed foods and anything white (potatoes, rice, pasta, sugar, milk etc).  Some diets say cheese is OK and some say it isn't.  Some say coffee is OK and again others say it isn't.  I've lost plenty of weight but now need to drive it a little further and I'm thinking that I might just reduce my carb intake a little more and reduce the amount of legumes I'm taking in place of other carbs during the day.  

It is strange that I'm losing weight all over my body not just my stomach.  The strange thing is that my trousers now don't sit under my stomach any more but properly around my waist.  My watch is sliding around my wrist as I've lost the fat on my arms, fingers, legs chest and the side bits around my stomach area :-)  I'm feeling good and not getting out of breath - I can bend down to do my shoes up without discomfort and many other things that are recognisable.  Like many of these diets I'm trying to make sure I lose weight in a controlled manner and after the huge loses at the start I'm now taking a few pounds a week off.  I'm two stones lighter and getting close to two and a half stones lighter depending on when I weigh myself (I really should set a time and day to do it to compare properly).

Anyway my mum's on her way home - it wasn't a great week with snow, rain and freezing weather but at least she had a week (more in fact) to chat to someone and we got around a bit and did some trips out and the grandchildren were around for some time too so that was good. It is nice that L is going back to Uni and can take mum back as well which is great.  Yesterday could have been a bit dodgy as it was Mum's Anniversary and the first one without dad around. She is doing remarkably well without him I think and I imagine she will be a bit lonesome tonight but I'll talk to her later and will recommence my daily calls.

Bit of a worry

My friend thinks he may have diabetes and is being checked on Thursday.  One of the worrying things is this onset of diabetes and what may be causing it.  He looked remarkably well having lost a load of weight following getting ill on a Cruise Ship and then having Flu.  

I read an interesting article which relates to the diet I am following and it may be of interest in what it suggests about insulin, diabetes and diet.  There are some interesting points made and I'm pretty certain that these diets (Atkins, Tim Ferriss etc) appear to explain why diabetes and obesity are so prevalent in our western diet.  Have a look and read this article HERE

I'm surprised that there is reference to being able to eat dairy food and also a bit worried that coffee may spike an insulin response.  I've been happily drinking coffee alongside copious quantities of water for some time and will do some more research into this.  

I'm feeling quite good and appear to be continuing to lose weight and feel better and so in my mind, I'm moving along in the right direction.

My mother and I spent some time looking at old photographs today which was fun.  L arrived home from University and all of us are off for a few days now and so we can go and do something together.

Well....

Mum being here with me is like being a kid again.  I mean - I'm 55 and I feel like I'm 16 again being told what to do receiving advice I didn't ask for and many other indignities of having one of your parents over to stay! :-)

It's fun but I find it very hard work because (of course) I share very different value systems to my mother as indeed my kids do with me.  I'm one of those people you need in negotiations who understands all sides of an argument and yet is able to be completely without sides (to a limit).  I normally understand all sides of an argument and the counter arguments and can weave my way between.  I'd suggest that my mum is somewhere to the right of Attila The Hun with her politics as most people or her age are.  The lived through WWII and so don't get the current wet liberal times we find ourselves in.  

Last night I was in the middle of reading some interesting stuff and found my mum appearing in my office at 1:45 to tell me to go to bed!  :-)  DOH! I was smack in the middle of reading about Diabetes and Carbs and Diets!

Anyway, we are having some fun and it's nice to see mum out of her old environment and in to a new one.  We haven't done much but perhaps in the next few days we can resolve that - the weather has been sh1t really though and it is difficult to do much when things are so bad.

Anyway - it's a beginning and after 12 years or so mum is here and that's a start.  

A Week Ticks By

This time last week I was getting ready for my trip up to town for my interview and it has been quiet since then - I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised about that given how slow they've been in the past.

Off to see my mum tomorrow morning and then on Friday out in the evening as an official visitor at a Lodge meeting and then bring mum back here on Saturday which will be nice - I hope :-)  I think it will give her a good change of scenery and an opportunity to do something a little different - let's hope the weather improves so we can go out and about.  I'd like to take her for a walk in the nice countryside we have locally but let's see.

Life is going to carry on around us as I am out Monday and Tuesday nights.  I also have a busy Saturday in a weeks time.  A meeting taking over most of the day and a party in the evening!

I was contacted by someone I knew 15 years ago.  A lovely lady who I worked with and had a good friendship with.  She has got out of the City now and is enjoying a more relaxed lifestyle and I can see the advantages but also said to her that having been up there last week I really started to get the buzz again and hanker for the Corporate life in some ways - just the atmosphere (power) that you feel in the environment and who you work with is enough to set my mind crackling and bring the hairs up on the back of my neck.  It's terrible to think that the stress and hours that I so often disparage can also be the life force and energy that really makes you feel alive.  It's a bit counter-intuitive but there you go.

Talking of counter-intuitive, we sat down to eat tonight and A mentioned that she couldn't believe the things that I'm eating at the moment and yet I'm losing weight.  It's crazy but it does work but you have to keep at it.  I'm just adjusting my diet slightly now to take in less carbs as I may have been overdoing those a little and I'm adjusting those slightly so as to have no more than a cup full of legumes a day - I tend to have quite a few but also I'm finding I'm also eating less too although I may just have to adjust that as well.  Anyway - it's coming along and I'm still doing well but weight loss is now reasonably around 1 or 2 lb a week - the rapid weight loss has happened and now it's a matter of sticking to it and making sure I don't come off the diet.  The dangers are my mum is around and I'm at hers for a few days.  Also holiday will be coming up in Italy where the food is just too nice to not have - so maybe I'll have a cheat week?

Off early to see my mum

Mums know best - or so the saying goes and she suggested that rather than me driving up and then going on to a meeting and driving back here the next day with her, why not come up a day early and relax?  Well hell why not - good idea and means a nice lazy journey up tomorrow and then I can arrive relaxed at the meeting on Friday too.

Just need to go and sort myself out now and remember my regalia so I can attend this meeting as an honoured guest of the Norfolk Stewards Lodge.  Interesting and how strange it should be just around the corner from the Hospital where dad was.

Drives You Nuts

I hate having to go to meetings like AGMs or Committee meetings and actually got banned after being quite outspoken at one particular meeting.  People - the other 90% of the human race who aren't like me tend to go to meetings having not read the information provided and who don't actually contribute whatsoever to proceedings.

Flocky Bicep and I had to go to one tonight and I hate it.  the last time I went I actually walked out of the meeting half way through as I was arguing with an idiot and he was bringing me down to his level - as I told him as I left the meeting.  the trouble is hardly any of these guys understand company law and when they do ask a question they don't actually listen to the answer.  They also have some sort of ADHD problem that means when we are at a Shareholders meeting you need to discuss important things (to them) like:

• Toilet doors
• Parking spaces
• Gates
• Light fittings
• Room temperatures 

And so on!  Now - me I'm interested in how things have moved on, the larger projects in place, the accounts (who isn't) and that sort of stuff.  Now this one guy wanted to know if we were operating "within the law" when what he meant were do the accounts run as the tax year does?  Then he rattled off about the temperature in one of the toilets and by question and observation 20 or more the rest of the meeting were getting a little dissatisfied so I kind of brought the meeting to a close by saying that as that appeared to be the last question that we ought to thank the Directors and that I was almost dying of de-hydration!  I don't suppose he really got it but just liked the sound of his own voice and didn't really have the intellect to hold a conversation.  Apparently he is always like this - if I come across him again I will tell him he is an arse and I know so will Flocky.  Natural selection and the gene pool ought to have sorted this guy out.  In fact I feel like pouring a litre or two of Chlorine into the gene pool to stop people like him wasting our Oxygen!

So there you go - anyway - it's always good to see Flocky for a glass of beer or wine in my case.  

Blizzard outside but managed to get stuff done

Yes the car and travel insurance were sorted today and huge difference between businesses and attitude so also very happy with the switch and the savings made.  Long story but as I have a pre-existing condition (Bladder Cancer) and of course Hypertension and am on Statins (cholesterol reduction) even though I don't have high cholesterol - I have to have slightly different insurance.  The first year it cost us a small fortune and yet Bladder Cancer isn't the sort of thing that makes you fall down dead!  At least now I've found somewhere where the costs are reasonable and reflective of how long I've been cancer free!

II hope this snow blows itself out in the next day or two so that I can get up to see my mum, visit a Lodge as an honoured guest nearby and then bring her down here for a week away.  Hopefully it will be a nice break for her.  

On Sunday week it is her Anniversary and of course that will bring back memories and whilst she is a lot better than she or we felt she might be after losing dad, I'm sure it will be hard as was Christmas.  She was wanting to go to the Crematorium on that day and I guess if she goes back on the Saturday she can but we will see - she may stay down here for a while longer.

I was absolutely charged on Friday and was in good form on Saturday but somewhat down yesterday and I'm back to "normal" today.  Oh well, I've come to live with the swings and roundabouts these days and I really hope that I can focus and get some of the things that need to be done this week completed.

Life is full of these ups and downs

Youngest daughter went back to Uni this afternoon - I thought she was staying for a few weeks - at least that was what I was led to believe.  So a bit upset about that.  I have two great daughters and they are like chalk and cheese, I love them dearly and to find out that she was off was a little bit of a shock and is probably why I'm feeling a little down at the moment.

I had a good day on Saturday but rather amusingly came home and fell asleep in front of the TV until 5 am!  So I wasn't particularly impressed with that but cheat day had gone rather well and it was enjoyable enough even though I always find the next day difficult to go back to the diet.  Not that I dislike the diet it's just that after over indulging I find the last thing I want to do is eat but I know that is what I should do!

My new grill and griddle is OK but I hope that I will get some non-slip matting through in a day or so to stop it moving around on the work surface.  It cooks pretty well and so that's good.

Suddenly I have a lot to do in the next few days and weeks and so I need to knuckle down and do something about it.  Car Insurance, Accounts and closing the business all appear on the list. I am then going to my mum's later in the week as I have a meeting to attend not far from the Hospital where my dad died and then I'm bringing mum home here for a week or so.  It should be nice as she hasn't been for a while.

I find myself down today and I really shouldn't be, it's been a good week really.

A Strange Place Indeed

I'm in the strangest of places.  I'd like to consider myself on the road tor recovery and I also obversely feel that I'm back on the road to mediocrity as well.   So what do I mean?

Working for a global conglomerate appeals in as much as I will get a big salary and a nice car and all the trappings that go with a top 10 job.  I've earn't it, I deserve it, I can deliver and so on etc.  I can get a really nice salary and pension and I could get myself a decent living out of it but actually is that REALLY what I want?  I don't know at all but it will set in motion some interesting scenarios.  Take this evening as a case in point./  It is 11:20 as I write this.  Mrs. F. is knackered and dog tired.  She's been doing some private work and came and collected me from my meeting and I'd been in the bar - it's cheat day and so beer is on the menu!  She is in bed, I'm like a live wire.  This is a problem! We aren't even on the same wave length as she is asleep and I'd like to party all night.

She's got some Church Service to go to in the morning and so another day will go by without us talking or seeing each other.  Problem?  Of course it is.  She's awake when I'm asleep and I'm awake when she is asleep.  

I fear any new job I have will just widen that gap and make it untenable.  I find the Irony that everyone wants me to go and get a job and do what I'm great at will inevitably lead to a complete destruction of family life as it did in the past.   You see I loved my past life and the lifestyle I had - I enjoyed a lifestyle that you could only dream of.  I doubt that my family could reflect in that apart from the "rewards" that come from it.

I hate the idea of taking on a great job which results in my happiness but no one else's!

Technology - Slowly Getting There

I've signed up for and now got electronic access to my Doctor - so repeat prescriptions can be done on-line and then just picked up from my Pharmacist around the corner.  Later they are threatening to have online booking of appointments too - excellent news.  I've just requested my prescription so let's see how it goes.

They'll be wanting to see me soon too of course as will the Hospital for a check up I've no doubt. 

I'm feeling much better these days and even feeling better about going for this job.  I've a weekend now to make up my mind what to do about the other two jobs.  I'd rather not work for any of them but given that I probably should build up some retirement funds I suppose it is the easiest way to achieve it.  

Of course if nothing comes of one and I don't try for the others!?  It's the dilemma that we all face but nothing ventured noting gained so to speak.  After meeting the people yesterday I quite like the feeling of being back in Corporate life - I did enjoy some (not all) of it when I was there some years ago.  

I'm hoping to build on my energy levels and get cracking with the other things sitting around here at home and accounts need to be sorted, company closed down and other stuff.

I've got loads of stuff I could get on with but of course it's setting priorities and getting myself motivated.  I think I've got some enthusiasm back and I've the holiday coming up and so I should be able to motivate myself sufficiently and also put sufficient pressure on as well.

Charged Today - Really Up!

I think on reflection and also chatting to my business partner this morning I noticed how up-beat I was and that I was talking faster and more animated.  I'd reflected on how I'd done at the interview and I feel that I gave a pretty good account of myself - I was certainly "me" and was able to inject a little humour and also some passion into proceedings.  I actually think that's the best interview I've done as I was at ease, assured and had most of the answers or an opinion or a view on things.

I was working the room, answering the question with one of the interviewers and then inviting the other to agree or to buy in to what I was saying.  I forget how good (and modest) I am.  I tend to look at others as superiors when in fact they are peers at best and I just altered my attitude yesterday - I played a blinder as they say and with a few minor things that I may have done better it all worked rather well and I got on famously with the pair of interviewers and one who was also an INTJ and I got on like a house on fire as he was already very much on my wave length.

It's really good to feel good inside and all charged up and it sort of carried through to the meal and the company I met.  I met a lovely lady yesterday who worked in a charity and we had a long chat about things - she used to work at University College Hospital London which is next to UCL where I'd worked some 25 years ago :-)

It's funny though that today I'm really charged, animated and quite excited.  I hope I've done enough now to get to the next stage of proceedings - but let's see.

Miserable day but seemed to go alright

It was a damp and miserable day - misty and it appeared to me to take the sharp creases out of my suit that I had carefully ironed.  I got to the meeting in good time though and walked into their stunning offices and was greeted by superb front of house staff and well looked after and put at my ease.  The interview was fine apart from the bit that there may be another set of interviews and assessments to go through - that was less happy :-)

Went on to lunchtimers and that was late but managed to be a good boy and only eat what was on my diet.  Plenty of red wine and home in deteriorating weather - you could hardly see the Shard in the mist and rain.

My George Foreman Grill and Griddle has arrived which looks to be a lot bigger than I thought.  I'm hoping to use it a lot for my diet - I don't like frying food too much and this will give me the option of grilling things like bacon and chicken and griddling eggs etc.  Anyway, will see how that goes.  I need to make a decision about whether to go for these other jobs.  I think I might just do a shot to nothing on one of them and see where I get to.  The other is sort of dependent on how things progress with this job I'm about (or thought I was) 5/6ths of the way through the process!  I could be 5/8ths through it - irritating but there you go.  

Helpful Delay

I have to say I dislike travelling in peak times and to get to the interview it would have been travelling right in the middle of rush hour.  However, I got a call and the interview has gone back well over and an hour and that gives me plenty of time to get up, get fed and watered and ready to go.  It also means I won't be hanging around for ages waiting as I have another meeting a little later in the day so that now gives me about an hour to get there.  That's excellent and I can take my time to get there.

Not sure about getting back and whether I'll stay up in town and have a few drinks or not - probably not if I can help it.

I've spoken to our accountant today and have downloaded the paperwork to wind down our business.  After 15 years it really isn't going to be worth hanging on to it and I might as well let the business disappear and the web site - which is up for renewal later this year - can just fade away along with the email and everything else.  

Like Buses

One day you wait and wait and then three come along at once.  Jobs - so finally I get to have my 5th of 6th Interview in the process and with any luck we can move things on a bit now.

Then there's another job that's come along that I may be interested in that needs a CV in by end of next week and then an old friend called with a possible position that sounds right up my street and so that too is a possibility.  It's a numbers game and I reckon that I will see how this goes and then approach the other two next week with a view to seeing if I can get an interview (at least) for either of them.  Mind you they wont pay nearly as much as this one.

I'm in good shape both head and body wise but trying on my suits I still can't get into the ones I was in this time last year and so even more effort will be needed to lose weight.  I'm doing OK but things tend to slow down around about now - I just need to keep the faith and carry on with the diet - it is working but of course it is slowing down a bit now compared to the early weight loss.  

I'm contemplating closing down the business I've run for 15 years and just shutting down shop and having done with that - I imagine I'd need to do that anyway.  This leaves me to then have my plan B in place for the other potential businesses I would set up if these three opportunities come to nothing.

So tomorrow I will be pouring over my CV and getting ready for my interview and hoping that they don't ask anything too difficult especially as I've been out of some areas for a number of years.

Lots Going On

A crazy week - I had the dentist and finished that course of treatment off and then did some more work for my Brother-In-Law finishing off some furniture he has built in.  I've almost completed my music library with track listing, album and artist pictures etc.  That's taken ages.  My weight has dropped off nicely and I'm on the way down towards 16 Stone having lost around 2 stone or so.  Clothes are starting to fit and I actually look slimmer which is great.

Mrs. F. had disappointment when work wouldn't allow her a full week off mainly because a number of staff have booked odd days off to complete their holiday allocation.  Anyway, that's been resolved and so we are off to Sorrento in Italy for a week.  We have made up a package on-line of flight and hotel and we hope to do a bit of touring of the area.  We were initially going to Sicily or one of the Mediterranean Islands but fancied a bit of touring around as well.

We went out on Sunday and so I delayed cheat day until then - lucky I did as we had afternoon tea which actually brought about a sugar rush and sweat on me  :-)  All those jams and cream and cakes were great but as always the next day I feel horrible in the morning and I managed to drag myself out of my bed a little later than usual and almost had to force feed myself.

Feeling somewhat up and down though this morning - sure that's to do a bit with cheat day as it totally unbalances my body and also I STILL haven't heard from the company that I'm meant to have an interview with on Thursday - you can't make it up it's been a series of mini disasters :-)  

Interesting - So Where's The Confirmation

So I know I have an interview at 09:30 on the 7th March - that's cool.  I know that it is at London Bridge - OK.  However I have no idea who it is with or the address I'm meant to attend because the promised email hasn't arrived as of yet.  It was meant to be with me an hour or so after we talked.  Of course, they didn't leave me a number or name to contact which is a bit disappointing!  This is a world class company and yet this HR process has been the worst I've ever seen.  I've seen some bad ones too of course but this is just horrendous.  Let's hope they sort themselves out quickly.  Maybe it's a trade test to see if I can work out where to go on no information.

I have the Dentist in the morning for the last set of fillings (re-doing old ones) and then I have an afternoon's work with my Brother-In-Law probably cleaning and emptying the flat that he was working on prior to the people moving in on Friday.  It will give me something to do whilst my mouth de-numbs itself.

Interview - at last

What has it been? Six weeks - must be - since I did the last interview.  Now I have an interview coming up in a week and a bit - handy as I'm already due up to London for the day so that will fit in nicely.

This should then leave one more should I get through this one.  I reckon that it has been a good 6 months to sort this out!  Oh well - at least I'm 2/3 rds the way through the process and I should fit into my suit for next week :-)

Change - no one really likes it

Being diagnosed with Cancer is a life altering thing.  For some it is a lot worse than that.  For me, it meant tackling head on a number of areas of my life, life style and attitude.  Having come out of the end (I hope) of it I'm changed in a number of ways.  An example was on Saturday I had my Lodge meeting where I am the Master this year.  I decided to relax and just let the meeting happen and it all went off rather well I thought.  I had no real fear or nerves this time I'd decided that there was nothing there to be afraid of and whatever I did, I was also at the mercy of a number of others.

So Change?  People dislike change and fight against it all the time.  I've changed and I've a hankering for change but no one wants to change.  I can understand this but it is now stopping me changing or doing what I want to do.  The problems include that my interests are so widely diverse now and Mrs. F really isn't into music, sport and history and neither is she into going out that much or seeing concerts and my sort of films aren't her sort of films, my music is nothing like her tastes and neither is my literary interests in any way shape or form similar.  See the problem?  There's nothing binding us together.  We don't fight or not get on but because we don't even watch the same TV or do the same things it makes things a bit difficult.  

Getting over Cancer is a little bit like being born again except you don't have to go to school and so on.  You realise that some things that were important just aren't, that some things are important that you didn't think were and you realise finally that you are mortal and not a superhero with super powers (any longer).  Life is pretty damn precious when you've seen your own demise and I guess seeing my father die last year also suggested that perhaps I needed to look at life a bit differently.

This is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with for some time as I feel as if I'm walking on egg shells, I don't want to screw things up by explaining things in the straight and direct manner I'm used to in case it all goes horribly wrong.  So I'm trying like mad to work on ways to explain and then work out some sort of solution or solutions.  The trouble is, I'm not going to get someone who likes Cliff Richard to like Metallica or who likes Agatha Christie to enjoy Tolstoy and whilst we always had our differences in these areas it feels like a gulf now where before the filling was building a home and then having children it now appears to be that there are very few things that bind us together.  Oh well - I'm still working at it :-)

My weight loss is still going well and I can get into my waistcoats (just) now.  I'm down below the 17 Stone barrier now and still heading downwards.  

Bizarre Week

It's been a strange week in many ways and I enjoyed doing some work although my back and legs hurt like hell and suddenly I realised how unfit I was after carrying materials up and down an astonishingly small spiral staircase :-)  Anyway, the work is done, a visit to the Dentist means that I can now chew on both sides of my mouth too.

I was in a funny old place on Tuesday - I was just amazed at how nasty people are.  I was reading some supposed scientists having a go at each other.  They weren't looking at the work they'd churned out and arguing whether it was or was not proven etc - no they were having a hair pulling cat fight in public.  What's the point?  Get your point across without being personal.  The irony is I think I ought to call the Tossers for doing it anyway :-)

Gosh it's cold outside - temperature dropping snow flurrying around too :-(  I've got to go out in this later - I feel a bus ride coming on rather than walking it today...

Purpose

What's the meaning of it all?  Somehow I've asked myself this question a LOT of times.  The vastness of the Universe and the loose grip we hold on to our existence on this planet.  What is the purpose and the meaning of it all and how can we make sense (if we are to) of it all?

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what on earth I'm doing here on this planet at all and exactly what is the grand purpose of life itself.  

It's all getting heavy isn't it? :-)  I mean there are some fundamental things happening here and I very much doubt anyone has any real idea of our purpose and what on earth is going on.  

I really don't get life at all at the moment.  Why we live the way we do, how downright nasty people are to each other and the lack of tolerance and charity.  The huge rifts in the way people behave and at the end of the journey, after everyone has been nice or nasty they all get to go to heaven - really?  That's what it's all about?

I don't get why so many things in this world are the way they are, why people act the way the do when, in the end, we are all going to end up equal anyway...

I'll end it there, my head is hurting with questions of the Universe and what if... :-)

Funny Waking Dreams

I have the most amazing dream sequences. This morning's one was hilarious as the phone went and  it was the company who haven't got back to me yet (20 days and counting).  The lady on the end of the phone called a halt to the process as they needed someone by Mid March.  So I said that's fine because I'm available now.  That's when it got really bizarre as that answer wasn't good enough and she kept saying that I had to be available in mid March which I kept assuring her that I was and even if I was available now I would still be available in mid March :-)  Eventually, she gave up the argument and the phone went quiet and I kept saying I know you are there I can hear you breathing :-)  Then I woke up :-)

Mmm.  Perhaps I'm just getting to that point in proceedings where I just kick all these "opportunities" into touch and get on with something else?  I'm not in a bad place at all at the moment and feel quite well.  I have some more visits to the dentist to go through but by the end of next week that will be over (I think).  Certainly this tooth being extracted has now solved the sinus and my ear problem!  So a few fillings to go and we can move on from that.  

I have my mum coming down for a week which will be nice and also Mrs. F and I are planning a week away in the not too distant future.  Not quite our Grand Tour of Italy but certainly a relax and chill week away to recharge.

Careful What You Wish For

I said I needed a good nights sleep - well 12 hours worth was a bit more than I expected - I got up at about 11 am !!! That's half the day gone.  I still had to have breakfast of course and will just push my meals back a few hour.  It completely messes your time clock of course but there you go - I obviously needed the sleep.

I'm wondering whether to put myself forward for another tortuous go at a job in London and I'm not sure I want to go through it for the third time but perhaps I may just do an application to nowhere a hit and devil be damned what the outcome may be.  

The ongoing saga of getting rid of the Piano may be coming to a close as I have someone else interested and so I can push a bit harder to get it out of my garage and on to somewhere new.  

It also looks that my Mum may come down and see us in March which will be nice.  So some good news there - I can pick her up when I go there and we can have a week of her company. 

Yes - Cheat Day

I enjoyed cheat day today I didn't have too much to drink nor too much to eat and was able to indulge in many forbidden fruits.  Tomorrow is back to normal but that's OK - I almost prefer my diet food now that I am used to it.

Feeling OK at the moment, my tooth is behaving itself and - or rather the hole where my tooth once was.  Interestingly my ear, which has been giving me problems for a while has settled down - coincidence - perhaps but it is on the same side and adjacent?  The little sinus blister thing has gone down too and so I'm hopeful that the right thing has been done.

In some ways I'm feeling confident about the future and happy in myself.  I'm not certain about my relationships with other people that matter to me and I just need to check these things out and make sure I'm "OK" with them.

Off to bed shortly and hope to get a good night's sleep - something I haven't had for a few nights.

Scene From The Godfather

I woke to find that my mouth had bled overnight and to some rather large (looked much worse than it was) blood stains.  So a quick gather up of pillow and cases and covers and dumped into water to soak!  

After a quick gargle it must have been me favouring the gap in my teeth overnight but at least it wasn't bleeding this morning and a wash out was all that was required.

My face still feels numb but that's OK, rather that than it being painful.  

I had a pretty disturbed night now I come to think about it  I was in planning mode and getting to the point of making some sort of decision about the future.  Whilst that sounds decisive it actually means that I've hit another point in the process of deciding what to do next.  Having not heard anything from the potential employers I'm now considering that my three or four ideas need to be reviewed and considered.  I need to talk to Mrs. F. if she will actually sit down and give me more than 30 seconds of her valuable time.

Off out this afternoon and tomorrow to meetings - tomorrow will be good as it is cheat day and a huge breakfast awaits....  Nice!

Well It Does Hurt A Bit

A handful of pills has brought the numbness back to reasonable levels and I'm getting used to this gap in my teeth.  I suppose you have to get used to this when you are getting older and being a "victim" of whatever Dentists did to us in the 60s and sweets and sugar must also be a big factor.   There is some interesting stuff, again on Mercola about non invasive dentistry and I'm following some of the advice including washing my mouth out with Baking Soda (Bicarbonate of Soda) in the evening to get rid of any acidity in the mouth.  I've got a new electric toothbrush too which I hope will help and as I only touch sugar in moderation on cheat day, I'm hoping that it too will help long term.

I had to only eat cold food tonight and I was looking forward to doing some Liver & Bacon but that will have to wait until tomorrow - perhaps for lunch :-)  

I'm off to a meeting with Flocky Bicep in the afternoon and also early on Saturday we are going for a Breakfast meeting and I will drive.  He's been great and driven everywhere so far so at least I'll get to drive him on Saturday.  As it is cheat day I will be cutting loose on the breakfast in the morning and for the rest of the day.

Oh well, I'd better get to bed - I'm tired and fell asleep watching the TV. 

Getting Ready For The Dentist

The first of four visits (perhaps 5 when he sees the chip off one of my lower left teeth).  Today is the start of the Root Canal - remembering what it was like last time - as long as he gives me enough numbing agent it isn't too bad.  Of course it has to be a difficult one at the top but hey - let's get it over with.

I've spent some days re-building my Accounts spreadsheets and have been pouring over the figures as there appears to be a bit of an anomaly in the Bank Account - it is probably an unpaid cheque or some such thing.  At least I have the spreadsheet under some form of control now which is good.  I can also see at a glance the yearly spend which was always difficult before.  Another couple of hours with it and I can send it off to a friend to be sanity checked.

I am beginning to get to the point of having to make a decision about this job - it has been well over 3 weeks and still nothing has come back - it really is a pain as there is no contact to chase it up.  A Yes / No or even a Maybe would be something.   


UPDATE:

Well, well, well.  What a strange thing.  The Dentist originally thought it was the tooth he had root canal filled a year or two back.  He decided to drill the tooth next door as the X-Ray showed the Sinus (lump on my gum) appearing to head towards the root of that tooth.  I did a little jump not far in and when he realised that the tooth was still "live" when it should be dead he reviewed things and so took out the Root Canal filled tooth - which came out pretty easily.  I've saved a few bob but even so - that's one expensive tooth :-)  I'm actually quite glad about that as I'd read some disturbing stuff on that on the Mercola web site.   Under the rather alarming title "97% of Terminal Cancer Patients Previously Had This Dental Procedure.." it does pose a bit of a worry but then you hear and see so many of these types of stories.

Anyway - the main thing is that the little hole is filled and the tooth is out.  Let's hope that gets this Sinus to go and speed the way for finishing off my teeth procedures quicker - I have one less appointment even though I have one extra filling.  Mrs. F. will be pleased as it is a lot cheaper to have this course of treatment :-)

Not Hungry

I forced food down myself on Monday and this morning was no different.  Lunchtime today I got Chef at the Pub to knock me up a Ham Salad - and very nice it was too - I couldn't eat it all and so something is definitely happening here.  It could be that I've worked out my quantities and so I don't need to adjust these any more.  I tend to eat an enormous breakfast which may also account for not wanting anything else much larger during the day.

I had a good long chat with my Business partner - we got a lot off each other's chests - we are still having issues both family and business and our varying experiences and frustrations were well aired over a glass of wine and some coffee :-)

I'm out again tonight and so will be on Red Wine - no beer allowed until cheat day!  I'm doing well with the diet as I can see dramatic results already and that's just what I need - some encouragement :-)

I have a series of other meetings this week and I need to keep my discipline.

Nice Day ... eventually

For some time, seeing the snow and slush this morning I really didn't want to venture out but eventually I did make the commitment and I'm very glad I did as I enjoyed myself and we had lots of fun and that's important.  My friend went in the Chair and we all had a great evening and as it was Monday my journey home by Bus, train and bus was good.  In fact I was the only passenger on the bus home which was nice - like having a chauffeur driven bus to the top of the road!  

I did my bit in the Temple and it was nice to be part of the overall ceremony.  I bumped into a number of people that I knew and also that I had something in common with so a great evening all around.

Yes - glad I made myself go after all - it was a good evening and despite feeling a bit low in the morning I soon came round and was back to good form by the time we hit the Hotel.

Cheat Day Makes You Feel Rough

The next morning!  I do feel rough but then again I did have 6 large whiskies and 2 or 3 pints of beer plus a monster meal, lots of chocolates and stuff - I just pigged out entirely even finishing off Mrs. F's chocolate pudding in the restaurant.  It was touch and go stuff too as the snow really started to fall across the South Downs where we stopped for a late afternoon meal - we were home by 8 but then I had some cheese, some chocolate and a couple of whiskies.  

This morning I felt horrible, certainly I had to force breakfast down myself and I'm not looking forward to eating anything at lunchtime either.  I then have to go out in the snow and muck to go to London for a meeting.  My friend is going into the Chair of his Lodge - probably the best day for any member.  At least the meeting is near the main railway station so I can get easily there and back.  I have to say though I do feel particularly sick right now, let's hope that moves on - I don't need to be feeling rough as I have words to say this afternoon too.

Oh well - hopefully this feeling will go away.  I've noticed this before though - if you blow out on your cheat day you feel far less inclined to even want to eat the next day it really does wobble your equilibrium.   Mind you the results of the diet are good and so far no complaints - I am hoping that there will be even greater improvements now that the huge stomach has gone and I can see things like my watch is loose on my wrist as is the ring on my finger - now easier to put on and take off.  Trousers all fit and the belt buckle goes one extra notch with no difficulty.  

That's Good

Whilst it is "cheat day" in my ongoing diet - I have postponed this until tomorrow when I get to go on my Whisky tasting experience bought for me by "the girls" - the wives and so I can have that tomorrow and any beer or anything else I want.  I've been good this week and now after about 4 weeks at this had a sneaky measure this morning and I'm under 17 stone and close to 16 1/2 stone which considering I topped close to 18 1/2 at Christmas is major progress.   Things change quite fast at the beginning of this diet and I can now wear most of my trousers and my belt is fully in one notch, my collars don't feel like I'm about to be garotted and I feel a lot better.  Whilst there is still a way to go - I'm really pleased with the results and will continue to follow this until I get somewhere near my target of around 14 stone (ideally).

A little later I'm going to go out shopping with Mrs. F - every little helps especially as she will drive me back from Brighton tomorrow :-)

Dentist Appointments Done

The time for procrastinating had gone on long enough and I did all my chores in one hit today including phoning my friend who is now in Thailand and seems to be enjoying his time there.  I then called the Dentists and set up my appointments starting next Thursday and so will get my teeth sorted.  I'm adding rinsing and final cleaning at night using Bicarbonate of Soda (Baking Soda) to just neutralise my mouth of acid before bed.  I hope that this little routine will assist in the longer term.  I'm also considering getting a water pick - my cousin in the US talked about getting one - it looks pretty impressive tool and I'll discuss with my dentist what he thinks.  

I wonder if having Cancer has anything to do with my teeth problems or whether it is just an "age thing".  Whatever, I want to hang on to them as long as possible and so need to work out some sort of long term maintenance plan.

Out and further tests of my resolve

I did rather well tonight - I stuck to Red Wine, I had only vegetables and meat, no gravy and no pudding.  A kind soul remembered that I like Cheese and Biscuits and presented me with a plate full which I gave to my colleagues - I had the Celery only.  I am determined to lose more weight and I reckon a stone in 3 weeks is pretty good in fact I think it is close to 1 and a half stone already, 3 to 4 inches around my stomach gone already, trousers are beginning to fit better, belt in by one step, watch now loose on wrist, ring now goes on to finger easily and so on.  I can put my fingers between my neck and the collar of my shirt too.

My stomach is really beginning to show improvement and also under my arms and around the side of my torso so all in all, I'm heading in the right direction.  I am moving cheat day to Sunday as we are out and about Whisky tasting and probably having a meal - I think that is what Mrs. F. muttered to me under her breath.  I'm sure that if I caught her on a day when she isn't tired or pissed off with me that she might speak properly to me and I'd understand what was being said.  

Anyway, that aside, I've had a good day and managed to do a couple of miles walk and eat properly so that's good.

There's a clue

I have a programme that replicates the files on one device and copies them to another.  I finished the cataloguing and set this going last night - it's going to take another 4 days to complete the transfer of files from one device to the other across a reasonably fast network - even so - that's a lot of data being transferred :-)

Of course, I've changed practically every file name, all the tag data associated with each one and also much of the Folder structure!  

I was having another one of my "episodes" again last night - not really getting to sleep and getting all worked up about something - not sure what it was.  Today I'm procrastinating a bit I need to go and sort out appointments and the like and I think I've got my diary in some sort of order so I can ring the Dentist and get my 4 appointments set in stone.  I have a number of days where I am out and about and suddenly I wonder where all these things have materialised from.

Still no word from potential employers but in some ways I am getting used to that.  Out this afternoon to a meeting and must go and get ready soon for that.  Weight is still coming off nicely and my belt can go the extra notch in and also my watch is loose on my arm and my ring fits my finger again!  I'm getting used to the diet again now but this weekend need to move cheat day back a day to Sunday as we are going out.

Catalogue

Finally I have completed cataloguing my music - well that I already have recorded that is.  It's taken absolutely ages and at least 60 or more hours of work I reckon.  Anyway, it is completed now and I'm just tidying it all up.  I can now search directly and see what tracks and artists I have.  

Now I need to keep up the discipline and move the rest of my music over a bit at a time.  

I also now need to get my schedule in order so that I can get my dentist appointments scheduled along with all the other bits and pieces I need to sort out.  

Spit it out man

Thanks to Flocky for those words earlier :-)

Interesting- I went to a friend's house earlier and we chatted (as you do) and he was interested about how I felt about my dad.  It's strange (funny peculiar) as I am neutral about it - I have an attitude that everyone dies and when your time is up, well that's it and that it is part of "life" if that isn't a tautology in itself.  

I read with some emotion this blog entry by Jim Tuffin in his ongoing blog about his terminal cancer.  I only know Jim from having exchanged emails 10 years ago but saw his blog and was curiously drawn to it because, in many ways, it could have been me.  I am beginning to find his blog both disturbing and yet I'm drawn to his pragmatic and optimistic outlook as well as some "moth to a flame" attraction because "there but through the grace of God go I"

In many ways Jim has been wrapping up what it feels like to know that the end is coming and who knows when it will be whilst he still keeps up his own spirits and those of his family.  It demonstrates how you don't suffer in silence yourself but how you suffer for ty=hose around you and worry about them.  Wonderful human characteristics but perhaps somewhat misplaced as you won't be there after the event - or will you - as Jim discusses?

So back to the plot and I was talking about my dad and how I didn't feel that he had a "good death" that he lay there helpless in bed and for many weeks on end knew that he could do nothing for himself (and I mean nothing).  for a man of his standing and independence it must have been humiliating and upsetting and I did see him upset for the first time in my life.  I saw fear in his eyes, I saw hurt and I saw helplessness in someone that had, until that point never been helpless before but had been the "head of the family", strong, resolute and a leader to us.  He was reduced to a helpless, feeble, grey shell of the man I knew and it does upset me.  It upsets me because you don't want to see this sort of whimpering away of life; this steady and then rapid decline.   

So did it affect me?  Of course it did but I'm comforted by a number of things and disturbed by others.  My father and I were never "close" but we knew between us what was going on - I felt every bit of survivor syndrome when he was diagnosed and he knew it and reassured me about that.  He knew what was coming and he dealt with it as only he and we knew he would.  He was a very brave man and considering he'd never really been ill or been in Hospital for well over 60 years - he had a good innings.  He bore the Hospital stuff as well as he could and whilst he was "spaced out" on a number of occasions (often you are thankful for that when you think about it as he didn't know what was going on), he dealt with everything heroically.

How do I feel now?  I guess I don't want to die like he did.  It wasn't "fair" and it wasn't "nice" and you can see why Cancer has this fearsome reputation.  I've been moved in many ways (and humbled) by his and my own experiences.  However, this hasn't manifested itself very well in me as I want to go and live life to the fullest and my circumstances and my own conservative and introvert (yes I KNOW that's difficult to comprehend if you know me) personality stop me from cutting loose and living my life flat out.

Interesting times ahead.....   

Phew

That Was an interesting afternoon and night out - as usual I got the jitters as the meeting started as I still have this mini panic attack about being in these rooms and getting hot and airless but they had the fans on and it wasn't as busy at it was a few years back and so there was room to move around and I felt fine.

We had a good Burns Supper and a good few drinks back at the Club and I arrived home at 02:30.  It was a good night out.  Reality bites and I'm back on my diet this morning and the cycle starts again.

I'm continuing to re catalogue my music and have two PCs running together closing in on each other from either end of the alphabet.

I managed to chip a lump off one of my teeth which all adds to my bill with the Dentist!  I need to arrange a series of visits to get all this lot done and the Root Canal treatment is the first on the bill - as long as he numbs my head it will be fine!

An Afternoon And Evening

It's time for the boys from Scotland to come down here and this afternoon and tonight should be a good evening once again.  It is one of those meetings that is quite enjoyable once I've got over the mini panic attack with the crowded room at the beginning but we call off for tea halfway through and so that's normally OK.

We then have a Burn's Supper with all the pipes and Haggis etc - very nice.  Then on to the Conservative Club and have a few drinks before getting home in the early hours.

It is cheat day and so I will have plenty of things to cheat with including beer and potatoes and Cheese so I'll be happy and fully stuffed when I get home.

I've lost around a Stone so far but have far more to go on that.  I happened onto a Programme from Aljazeera last night - a South African chat show and a chap called Tim Noakes was on there talking about diet and he very much promoted the Atkins / Tim Ferris approach but more that that went on to explain some of the interesting facts around the food and drugs industries.  Look him up on the Internet - he is a University Professor in South Africa.

As an approach it makes perfect sense to me and you can see where all these processed foods start to give you trouble.  

I start week 4 of the diet tomorrow and I'm hoping for yet more improvement although I have a number of functions coming up that will challenge me - I was able last week to only eat those things I'm allowed to and refused the others.  I feel pretty good about that and I know that in keeping to this diet (this time) I should be able to get back into my clothes!  

I've had a relatively good week this week but I've been occupied and not disturbed too much so that's probably what it is - my mind being off things.

Turning Out To Be An Expensive Week

This time at the Dentist :-(  All looked OK until the mention of a small blister which looks to be from the tooth adjacent to the Root Canal filled one.  At one point it looked as if that one was due out but a trace dye and X-Ray sorted that out and found another two fillings!  So Root Canal to see if the Tooth can be saved and clear the wee blister.  Then a further two refills for loose or potentially loose ones.  

I've got the estimate so Mrs. F. took a sharp intake of breath when she saw that. 

Had a long chat with my business partner - we are both having the frustration of trying to do something new that isn't "going back" on what we did, in other words, we want something to build on what we did in the last few years.  

I'm having some doubts about quite what I want to do but hey ho, I'm pressing onwards and let's see what happens.

Observations

• After a while you forget you had bladder cancer for hours and sometimes a whole day.  
• I find myself talking about having had a serious illness or major incident in my life rather than saying Cancer - not because I don't want to say it but that I don't want to alarm the person I'm with
• On reflection, looking at photos and thinking back - I did look like sh1t when I was ill.  Sorry I looked grey and drawn even though I kept a good sense of humour my looks betrayed what was happening to me.
• I am a little crazier than I used to be and in some ways it doesn't matter - one day I will act my age but I fear that is many years away
• Whilst I'm confident about the future - I'm going to have one for some sort of time, I'm actually hiding the fear that I will be "got" next time as I escaped this time - survivor syndrome.

Anyhow enough for now - just a few observations 

Car Fixed

Expensive to get things done these days and a new battery for the car was "reassuringly expensive".  If I get this job it comes with a car (or the money) and so I can probably have a think about that then.  If of course they get back to me!  At the moment it is just over the week so we will see, they are apparently notoriously slow in getting people in via the normal process.

So onto more mundane stuff.  A little later today I'm off with Flocky Bicep to a meeting over in Berkshire.  I've been to the centre we are going to before - it's built like a prison block :-)  At least the cars are safe given the number of CCTV cameras they have there!  

I'm progressing with getting my music library into some semblance of order.  I am only up to the letter C but that includes all my Classical Music of which I have a large collection.  After that I should race through until I get to the Films and Soundtracks section which also has a lot as well as Jazz.  At least I've worked out that I can selectively index the sections so that is helping loading and unloading.

I'm pleased with my diet - in fact I'll see later if I can fit into my suit again - I wasn't able to 2 weeks ago which really spurred me on to get back to a proper diet.  I've lost around 1/2 a stone but the main thing is that my Stomach is contracting and the flabby bits either side have all but gone now (Love Handles as they are sometimes called).  I've lost some weight off my hips too and a little around my neck.  Hopefully it can be steady progress from here.  Tonight will be a challenge as there will be bread and cheese and other forbidden stuff - I will make sure I don't touch them.