I'm still feeling (and looking) over weight and I've lost a little bit but trying to get into my decent clothes is a laugh. We are going out to lunch today and I have almost had to shoe horn myself into my trousers. I keep looking at my suit hanging in the wardrobe and wondering quite how I'll get back into that for interviews and the like. It looks like Mission Impossible to me!
I might have to go and find some of those "old man" trousers that do up comfortably just under your arm pits :-) Nah, maybe not...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
If you keep a Journal
Thanks to G who reminded me in a round about way to publish today's post.
If you keep a journal and you don't need a blog to do that, every so often go back and read it either from the start or a particular month and then compare how you felt then to how you feel now. In my case, each time, I do see a massive improvement even though it is only 6 months on. For example seeing the poor old fella after his first operation not doing very much except sitting down and being bored, not allowed to lift anything and taking things easy to how I am now is also a good boost to your morale. You can see that you have gotten better and you can take comfort from knowing that you do get over these things.
If you keep a journal and you don't need a blog to do that, every so often go back and read it either from the start or a particular month and then compare how you felt then to how you feel now. In my case, each time, I do see a massive improvement even though it is only 6 months on. For example seeing the poor old fella after his first operation not doing very much except sitting down and being bored, not allowed to lift anything and taking things easy to how I am now is also a good boost to your morale. You can see that you have gotten better and you can take comfort from knowing that you do get over these things.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Are You Alright Now?
Ummmm!
Honestly what do you say to that question? I have given up the 60 second answer and gone for the "Yes thanks, a few more tests and they'll know."
Short of going around with a badge (or perhaps the Tee Shirt) it is pretty difficult to explain that you don't really get cured but you can become "Cancer Free" - that smacks of Political Correctness to me but there you have it.
I think there was a modicum of shock after I had spoken to the person I know who also has BC when they are 5 years in and still on maintenance therapy every 6 months. This is not a cheap disease to treat and whilst it is controllable you need to keep your eye on it as left untreated it is a tricky and aggressive little cancer.
Honestly what do you say to that question? I have given up the 60 second answer and gone for the "Yes thanks, a few more tests and they'll know."
Short of going around with a badge (or perhaps the Tee Shirt) it is pretty difficult to explain that you don't really get cured but you can become "Cancer Free" - that smacks of Political Correctness to me but there you have it.
I think there was a modicum of shock after I had spoken to the person I know who also has BC when they are 5 years in and still on maintenance therapy every 6 months. This is not a cheap disease to treat and whilst it is controllable you need to keep your eye on it as left untreated it is a tricky and aggressive little cancer.
Mundane
Apologies for the somewhat mundane and bland feel to this blog. Getting and recovering from Cancer isn't glamorous and things don't happen like on the films and in the books.
I was determined to try and get an entry a day into here and yet, sometimes I look back and think - how boring so you sat down and scratched your bum today - does everyone really want to know that? No, I suppose not. The ordinariness (is that a word? my spell checker says it is) should say to many people that recovering from this type of cancer isn't dramatic, you don't miraculously get up and its gone, you just go about your day to day life and gradually get fitter, better and feel things are "getting back to normal". Normal for me is what you see.
I promise to try and be a bit less boring on this blog.
I was determined to try and get an entry a day into here and yet, sometimes I look back and think - how boring so you sat down and scratched your bum today - does everyone really want to know that? No, I suppose not. The ordinariness (is that a word? my spell checker says it is) should say to many people that recovering from this type of cancer isn't dramatic, you don't miraculously get up and its gone, you just go about your day to day life and gradually get fitter, better and feel things are "getting back to normal". Normal for me is what you see.
I promise to try and be a bit less boring on this blog.
So What Made My Day?
I got a call from someone I have known for some time who didn't know that I had Bladder Cancer, but knew there was something wrong and that I had had treatment.
The call went along the lines that they were diagnosed in 2001, had the operation and have had the BCG treatment and are in fact in part 2 of 3 of their treatment at the moment. They are on their 6 month maintenance regime and everything is going well. The odd bad reaction to the treatment but other than that everything is fine.
I cannot tell you quite how upbeat that has made me feel, there is someone out there who has the same thing as I do, is a few years in advance of me, looks well and is recovering and I can speak to them. Wow, I hope that the tests in March are good.
Good news stories are hard to come by as you always tend to hear either the miracles or you hear the awful stories. Generally the 5 year mortality on BC is 70/80% or better and so I am hoping that I have responded to the treatment.
It really is good to have someone to talk to who has gone through all of this. Some people may look strangely and say "What, you have to carry that on for all those years?" The answer is easy really, the alternatives to not having treatment and the speed at which this could get you if left unchecked and untreated are not worth thinking about; 3 or 6 treatments of BCG a year may sound unpleasant but I'd rather have those than just let the Cancer loose in my body.
The call went along the lines that they were diagnosed in 2001, had the operation and have had the BCG treatment and are in fact in part 2 of 3 of their treatment at the moment. They are on their 6 month maintenance regime and everything is going well. The odd bad reaction to the treatment but other than that everything is fine.
I cannot tell you quite how upbeat that has made me feel, there is someone out there who has the same thing as I do, is a few years in advance of me, looks well and is recovering and I can speak to them. Wow, I hope that the tests in March are good.
Good news stories are hard to come by as you always tend to hear either the miracles or you hear the awful stories. Generally the 5 year mortality on BC is 70/80% or better and so I am hoping that I have responded to the treatment.
It really is good to have someone to talk to who has gone through all of this. Some people may look strangely and say "What, you have to carry that on for all those years?" The answer is easy really, the alternatives to not having treatment and the speed at which this could get you if left unchecked and untreated are not worth thinking about; 3 or 6 treatments of BCG a year may sound unpleasant but I'd rather have those than just let the Cancer loose in my body.
What kept me at my desk this week?
Until about 5.30 each day? Habit I reckon. I have been given 3 months notice and as it has never happened before I am sort of wondering what I should do. I spent quite a bit of time this week cleaning up my files and tidying up the files and folders on my laptop and making everything presentable. I finished off some reports and had the one meeting which I have now backed out of and finally I handed over a number of web resources that I had "reserved" for the business - well I couldn't keep domains with the company name in them now could I?
I had an interesting meeting tonight and it was amazing how many people thought that I was cured - as I look so well. How peculiar!
I should have spent my time on doing some other paperwork down the week so I will have to do that Saturday (today already) and my office is beginning to see space and desktops and clear areas in it.
Who knows I might actually get organised soon...
I had an interesting meeting tonight and it was amazing how many people thought that I was cured - as I look so well. How peculiar!
I should have spent my time on doing some other paperwork down the week so I will have to do that Saturday (today already) and my office is beginning to see space and desktops and clear areas in it.
Who knows I might actually get organised soon...
Friday, January 26, 2007
To add to that
I haven't yet worked out if all this directed anger is to do with being angry at getting cancer, feeling a lot better these days, something else. It is who I am directing my anger at that is interesting, those close to me probably notice that I am probably quite different these days and not at all angry with them or anyone else but things like rubbish service and/or stupidity (which both rank high on my list alongside Estate Agents and Double Glazing phone calls) really do get the Victor Meldrew in me surfacing.
If you hear cries of "I don't believe it!" emanating from me - run for the hills......
If you hear cries of "I don't believe it!" emanating from me - run for the hills......
The Devil in me
No one gets off the hook these days. Try and have me over or upset me at your peril. A couple of people are trying to play silly buggers at the moment. One is an on-line shop who have been pretty dreadful for over a month so far and the other is someone who is trying to use me to get to someone else. I wonder how far I can take that one :-)
So what am I saying? Well, I don't think I play by the same rules anymore and I'm quite happy now to take the route that is in your face, or that is my route and no one else's. I'm not explaining this very well. How about I am going to give the first problem absolute hell and woe betide anyone who gets in my way - these guys are a bunch of misfits in charge of a business and I am going to tell them so and I may not stop even once I have got my credit back from them. Super aggressive for me but I think I will feel good after I have balled them out again.
On the second one, perhaps a different tack and not so aggressive but I will turn the tables on that as well. See what I mean? I'm just not in the mood to take prisoners at all and my anger with these people is not the explosive anger of old, it is controlled and assertive and used to do what secretly I've always wanted to do but been too reserved to do it. Have a go at these jumped up idiots and stick them in their place.
I am far more up for a fight these days (metaphorically that it) than I ever was before.
Bring it on :-)
So what am I saying? Well, I don't think I play by the same rules anymore and I'm quite happy now to take the route that is in your face, or that is my route and no one else's. I'm not explaining this very well. How about I am going to give the first problem absolute hell and woe betide anyone who gets in my way - these guys are a bunch of misfits in charge of a business and I am going to tell them so and I may not stop even once I have got my credit back from them. Super aggressive for me but I think I will feel good after I have balled them out again.
On the second one, perhaps a different tack and not so aggressive but I will turn the tables on that as well. See what I mean? I'm just not in the mood to take prisoners at all and my anger with these people is not the explosive anger of old, it is controlled and assertive and used to do what secretly I've always wanted to do but been too reserved to do it. Have a go at these jumped up idiots and stick them in their place.
I am far more up for a fight these days (metaphorically that it) than I ever was before.
Bring it on :-)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Clearing out the mess and accumulated debris
My Office is beginning to look empty, clean and tidy again. You can see the surfaces of the desks and the drawing board. If I can alter the office around sufficiently I will put the cross trainer in here. A bit more filing tomorrow and a tidy up and it will almost look professional again. Almost!
At least I found some of the papers I had been searching for these past four weeks and it occurred to me that I might change the filing systems completely to gain some more space. Roll on the paperless office.
At least I found some of the papers I had been searching for these past four weeks and it occurred to me that I might change the filing systems completely to gain some more space. Roll on the paperless office.
A bit scary
I had quite a bad night last night - I was awake for a fair while and I don't think it had anything to do with the anniversary as I didn't realise that until this morning. I think it was the film last night where Hugh Grant was a Doctor in the ER and someone got a Foley (a catheter to you and me) shoved in them. The actor did a good job as it looked like his eyes were out on stalks. However, I just had a bad dream and recalled the operation with all the usual nonsense that your mind throws in to over dramatise what actually went on. I'm certain the catheters and needles weren't really that big. Thank goodness for the alarm clock.
Checking back among the posts
I noticed that I hadn't mentioned that when you have the flexible cystoscopy that you also get checked for Prostate Cancer as well. Now - despite what you hear and what you think, it isn't that bad at all. They did mine after the cystoscopy and a few seconds and it wasn't uncomfortable at all. The Prostate can give you similar symptoms but that is a bit rarer. Because of where the Prostate is situated (right under the bladder) there can be complications I suppose. The other one is that under BCG treatment your PSA can go through the roof so you are advised not to have a PSA test whilst you are under treatment.
Six Months to the day
Yes 25th July 2006. Probably the second most frightening day of my life. Six months ago today that I had the tumour removed and it feels a lot, lot longer than that. It was by contrast with today's heavy snowfall outside my window, one of the hottest days of the year.
I suppose it was good that I hadn't really been counting down to this day - I just saw the date on my calendar and twigged it was the same.
I am still amazed that Bladder Cancer is the 4th most common in men and 8th most common in Women and yet hardly anyone knows about it!
I suppose it was good that I hadn't really been counting down to this day - I just saw the date on my calendar and twigged it was the same.
I am still amazed that Bladder Cancer is the 4th most common in men and 8th most common in Women and yet hardly anyone knows about it!
Exercises this morning
OK so I didn't do 15 minutes - why? The pre programmed exercises are in 10 minute increments and I thought that a 10 minute jump would be a little too much in one go. So I have a cunning and devious plan to do two 10 minute exercises one at either end of the day.
The more regularly you do this the easier it becomes and the more consistent you become as well. I'm not seeing a huge change and I wasn't expecting to but I can get into some of my trousers now and I can also hold my stomach in a bit and I feel "tighter" - I can't think what else to call it but my muscles feel tighter if that makes any sense?
The more regularly you do this the easier it becomes and the more consistent you become as well. I'm not seeing a huge change and I wasn't expecting to but I can get into some of my trousers now and I can also hold my stomach in a bit and I feel "tighter" - I can't think what else to call it but my muscles feel tighter if that makes any sense?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Exercise and the Discipline of doing it
I have actually been quite good. I now try and do 10 minutes on one of the pre programmed exercises on the cross trainer. It is quite good as it varies the load throughout the 10 minutes. I have been doing that for about a week now and I do feel quite good.
I think I might take that to 15 minutes tomorrow as I am now used to the 10 minute stretch.
Whilst the cross trainer is a funny action almost cross country skiing action I suppose, I can feel the exercises working across most of my body.
I just hope that I can keep it up (the exercise that is - you smutty lot) and get this weight off. Whilst I haven't measured myself (perhaps I ought to) I can fit back into some of my larger pairs of trousers now. the aim is to fit into my suit in a month's time so that if I get an interview I can actually look less like a sack of spuds tied in the middle with string and more like a well fed man about town :-)
I think I might take that to 15 minutes tomorrow as I am now used to the 10 minute stretch.
Whilst the cross trainer is a funny action almost cross country skiing action I suppose, I can feel the exercises working across most of my body.
I just hope that I can keep it up (the exercise that is - you smutty lot) and get this weight off. Whilst I haven't measured myself (perhaps I ought to) I can fit back into some of my larger pairs of trousers now. the aim is to fit into my suit in a month's time so that if I get an interview I can actually look less like a sack of spuds tied in the middle with string and more like a well fed man about town :-)
Crazy Day
What a day, I haven't stopped as of yet - been on the phone or the PC all day so far and haven't gotten around to sorting out half the things I should have done by now.
I have a shed load of things to do and I really need to tear myself away from the PC long enough to do them but I keep getting telephone calls followed by e-mails requesting information.
Its worse than being at work!
I have a shed load of things to do and I really need to tear myself away from the PC long enough to do them but I keep getting telephone calls followed by e-mails requesting information.
Its worse than being at work!
Phew what a day so far
Non stop phone calls, sorting stuff out and just this minute stopped. Due out this afternoon if the snow has cleared sufficiently to do so...
Sort of said my goodbyes on the phone, rang around a few more people and generally chewed the fat about what is going on at the company. For a small organisation the feeling from shop floor to director level is pretty remote. It is as if you are talking to two completely different companies when you talk to both levels. I hope they fix that quickly.
The real concern is that there is a lack of faith also in one part of the company over the competency of the other and that isn't a good thing to happen either. Of course the trouble is that I can no longer interfere and the issue is one for themselves to learn. They are having some serious pain at the moment and there are bound to be recriminations and even reprisals dare I say.
The concern is that they get over the shock, hurt and pain soon and get back together and start making a difference. They all know what they have to do to get there.
Sort of said my goodbyes on the phone, rang around a few more people and generally chewed the fat about what is going on at the company. For a small organisation the feeling from shop floor to director level is pretty remote. It is as if you are talking to two completely different companies when you talk to both levels. I hope they fix that quickly.
The real concern is that there is a lack of faith also in one part of the company over the competency of the other and that isn't a good thing to happen either. Of course the trouble is that I can no longer interfere and the issue is one for themselves to learn. They are having some serious pain at the moment and there are bound to be recriminations and even reprisals dare I say.
The concern is that they get over the shock, hurt and pain soon and get back together and start making a difference. They all know what they have to do to get there.
Last Call for....
Me.
The last conference call presiding over my team and chairing the meeting. I don't for one minute expect that it will be much different to the usual and it will probably be downright tedious. But my last meeting none the less and another bond to break.
I am going to force the pace as I cannot see that they want me hanging around and putting my 2 pence worth in every time. Giving the Laptop back sooner rather than later will be a massive break as my e-mail account will disappear. Then let's see them trying to get hold of me.
The last conference call presiding over my team and chairing the meeting. I don't for one minute expect that it will be much different to the usual and it will probably be downright tedious. But my last meeting none the less and another bond to break.
I am going to force the pace as I cannot see that they want me hanging around and putting my 2 pence worth in every time. Giving the Laptop back sooner rather than later will be a massive break as my e-mail account will disappear. Then let's see them trying to get hold of me.
How Dare you..
NOT WEAR YOUR TEE SHIRT!!!!!
It was a BIG disappointment not to have the Tee Shirt on tonight but next time guys, next time.
Was out with my school friends tonight and "the one" who convinced me to write this blog - for whom I have to say thank you as it really has been a good thing to do and whether it has kept my sanity or has added to my madness who knows. If it has added to any-one's education, well that is good too and to have helped anyone else would be a real bonus. Thanks KP - you know who you are.
2 years ago we all met up last. 2 Years - what were we thinking? We always have a great night, the jokes range from the side splitting hilarious to the groans of old, past their sell by date, puns!
We have always got on so well together that to only meet so rarely is a sin. I put my hand up for the past couple of years (if not 5 maybe) when I just haven't been up to anything at all - I said it tonight and I've said it before - I wonder if it was the cancer that was slowing me up?
We have promised ourselves monthly meetings from now on so the 4th Tuesday in the month from now on is a lads night out. failing that, more nights out to see the local live gigs are in order.
Shall I repeat the jokes on the blog as I was asked to? No, of course not but there were plenty of Parrot jokes, Monty Python references and even the odd bit of Derek and Clive live to provide light hearted banter in between the serious stuff and the mundane.
A great evening and I enjoyed getting out and about again and the really good company of friends who could never insult you with their humour and whom you could never take offence at their comments - WHY? You know them so well.
We spoke of an evening we had many years ago where the most amazing things happened and booze (the ultimate leveller) arranged a common denominator amongst our parents and us. That had been a night to treasure - full of spontaneity. I think I can add this evening to that list of magical evenings as it was so good to get together again.
Of course, all we have to do is make this regular as we parted tonight with those same good intentions of two years ago to meet regularly. Let's see if we really mean it this time. We have too good a laugh not to make it happen.
It was a BIG disappointment not to have the Tee Shirt on tonight but next time guys, next time.
Was out with my school friends tonight and "the one" who convinced me to write this blog - for whom I have to say thank you as it really has been a good thing to do and whether it has kept my sanity or has added to my madness who knows. If it has added to any-one's education, well that is good too and to have helped anyone else would be a real bonus. Thanks KP - you know who you are.
2 years ago we all met up last. 2 Years - what were we thinking? We always have a great night, the jokes range from the side splitting hilarious to the groans of old, past their sell by date, puns!
We have always got on so well together that to only meet so rarely is a sin. I put my hand up for the past couple of years (if not 5 maybe) when I just haven't been up to anything at all - I said it tonight and I've said it before - I wonder if it was the cancer that was slowing me up?
We have promised ourselves monthly meetings from now on so the 4th Tuesday in the month from now on is a lads night out. failing that, more nights out to see the local live gigs are in order.
Shall I repeat the jokes on the blog as I was asked to? No, of course not but there were plenty of Parrot jokes, Monty Python references and even the odd bit of Derek and Clive live to provide light hearted banter in between the serious stuff and the mundane.
A great evening and I enjoyed getting out and about again and the really good company of friends who could never insult you with their humour and whom you could never take offence at their comments - WHY? You know them so well.
We spoke of an evening we had many years ago where the most amazing things happened and booze (the ultimate leveller) arranged a common denominator amongst our parents and us. That had been a night to treasure - full of spontaneity. I think I can add this evening to that list of magical evenings as it was so good to get together again.
Of course, all we have to do is make this regular as we parted tonight with those same good intentions of two years ago to meet regularly. Let's see if we really mean it this time. We have too good a laugh not to make it happen.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Sad
Feeling sad as tomorrow will be my last conference call with the team. Whilst I may be hanging around for a while yet it will be difficult for them to move on or for me not to be a little resentful as I hear all the plans being made for something that I will not be a part of.
I'm still in a kind of upbeat mood about things but I am beginning to realise that it just won't work with me hanging around as the team needs to move on and to find their own way of doing things.
I feel a little sad about that and also that another colleague I spoke to today hadn't been told that I was going. For a small company they are a bit bad at communications some times!
I'm still in a kind of upbeat mood about things but I am beginning to realise that it just won't work with me hanging around as the team needs to move on and to find their own way of doing things.
I feel a little sad about that and also that another colleague I spoke to today hadn't been told that I was going. For a small company they are a bit bad at communications some times!
Monday, January 22, 2007
2 B or not 2 B
The more I think about it, the more it takes hold of me. Shall I do something altruistic, shall I become a teacher, shall I go around doing good deeds? Or shall I just chase the money and get as much as I can whilst I am still able?
It really is a hard decision and can I make it given the time I have left (meaning lasting on the money coming in for my notice on redundancy not whether I'm going to peg out!).
If I have learnt anything in the past 6 months it is that life is more important and yet how quickly you can go back to it surprised me. I was quite happy to go back to my job - but it was enjoyable and it was interesting and it paid the bills but would never have made me rich! I felt that I could make a difference and, given my new perspectives, be a little more "life's too short" on a number of subjects :-)
Please God I don't end up as a life coach - I mean the money is great but having to deal with people who actually need you would be difficult.
Someone suggested I work at B&Q - they take on old people (thanks) and I know a bit about DIY. Those who know me could probably guess what the problem is here. 1. Joe Public and 2. Working for low lifes - sorry, no matter what you might say I can't do that.
So - what can I possibly do?
Rock Star - no too old and can actually play a few instruments and sing in tune.
Author - Possibly, but don't use long words unlessIforgettopressthespacebar.
Postman - Bit early in the morning for all that hard work - and there never was a "Confessions of a Postman" film was there?
Milkman - Been there, did that, good tips, but smelt like yogurt most days - yuk
Teacher - No I'd be done for manslaughter
Big Brother Contestant - Would not work would be done for multiple murder and probably get away with justifiable homicide.
You see - nowhere to go just too talented, too good looking and too old!
Good night
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