Thursday - Not thinking about it too much

I suppose, there is a bit of me that is a little worried about Thursday but for once, I am actually quite upbeat about the results from December. So far (touches wood) the visual results have always matched the results the microscope confirms.

It is a massively important meeting because it may well mean the end to having to be taken into Hospital and having General Anaesthetic and Rigid Cystoscopies. It will mean having local procedures and a flexible cystoscopy - nothing to be sneezed at but perhaps better than ending up (like this time) knocked about for 4 weeks or more. The other thing is no more BCG Immunotherapy treatments. Will I miss them? Yea for about 30 Milli seconds.....

I'll have to wait and see what Thursday brings of course but I'm not really thinking too much about it. I'm really hoping to shake off this damn cold and get my hearing back which would be a start!

Whoa - even heard the morning alarm

Well - what can I say, still deaf but getting better. I can hear the keys on my PC keyboard and I heard the alarm go off this morning. All in all that is a major improvement. I've still got some problems with my "good" ear - it would be the one I don't have trouble with giving me all the problems! Typical.

I can hear muffled sounds from the good ear and I can hear high pitched sounds from the bad ear so all in all I am probably beginning to get to a point where the congestion will be cleared and I can hear again.

I feel pretty weak though I was surprised about that. I have informed work that I probably wont be there for the start of the week. If I am realistic, I doubt they'd see me much before next week the way things are going. It seems to be taking a long time to clear up.

Longest I have ever been ill for

It must be about the longest single spell that I have been ill for since I was a kid. I don't remember ever having had such a set of heavy colds, or their side effects and still feeling rough this long into them. I intend, once again, to get off to bed early and dose up with various drugs and potions to see if I can continue the recovery. It is just so slow. Heard from yet another friend who has this together with the deafness. Her family are yelling at her to make themselves heard :-)

It is infuriating that I cannot get on. I do hope though that I might tackle the University stuff tomorrow and see if I can give that a go and get some work done there.

Some Improvement

Well slowly, slowly is it getting better. I can actually hear sounds in my ears and I can actually hear the odd noise full on and grab bits of conversation. Everyone sounds like robots :-) It is quite a strange thing.

I'll keep taking these decongestants. They do stir up your stomach a bit but at least things are getting better.

It's life Jim - but not as we know it

Always had a soft spot for that particular phrase :-)

Well the drops did their magic in a way - I am going to try another whack overnight. Certainly one ear is clearing up the other not quite yet but they are definitely doing something.

Let's see what overnight brings. Hopefully I can start to recuperate properly tomorrow?

Blimey these are the ticket

Nose Drop decongestants. Wow they've got to work already - it isn't pleasant and my ears are ringing and making all sorts of noises but at least it seems to be doing something to get things moving. Judging from the fall out they certainly seem to be working on clearing out my head of debris :-)

The trouble is that it has increased the tinnitus and drumming - hopefully just whilst it is clearing things out I hope. Will just have to go and sit down quietly whilst it does it.

I mean "No one's going to die!"

One of the phrases that rattles around in my head when someone gets massively upset over something utterly trivial.

A bit like the old boy who was sat at the wrong place for a luncheon and quite indignantly came up and told me so.... He was all puffed up and red faced about it.

I just asked "Did it make you food taste any different?" he said "No"

Case Dismissed!

Nobody died or was about to. How important can it have been? :-)

I like the insight you get with BC but not everyone gets my sense of proportion or humour for that matter.

Small signs of recovery

At least I can hear a tiny bit out of one ear and whilst I still remain deaf I can feel the pressure easing off my ears. Mrs. F. Is going to the Pharmacist to see if they can suggest anything. Apparently lots of people have had this and ear drops seem to be the way to go. I certainly appear to be much less congested and the steam treatment appears to have done its work.

I'll see what today brings. If I can get somewhere with clearing this up then I can work out getting fit, getting back to work etc.

Rationalising what I said Yesterday

I took a bit of a step forward yesterday in as much as I realised that I no longer have the high powerful, full on, pressure cooker of a job I used to have and that I have a quieter, manageable, nicer and altogether pleasant job. The years and years of getting ready for the year's dashing and travelling and arguing and so on are no longer there, the habit of getting wound up ready for it is a problem - I still act in that world even though it is no longer there.

I have to come to terms with no longer "being the boss", no longer doing my own thing whenever I want to do it and in some ways no longer having the rank, position, money, kudos and ego that went with the old me. If you know me, you will gather this is a massive shift if I can actually achieve it.

The "pressure" I 'think' is there probably isn't at all anymore, I don't need to walk around like some coiled spring anymore and I don't need to set all these high goals. That is easier said than done. I've always been ambitious and always been involved in high profile major projects and so, going in to work and doing a 9 to 5 isn't me at all.

AND YET it has to be in a way. Why get a second chance and let it slip? Why go back onto the treadmill of working my butt off and work away from home for months on end. Sure, 4 or 5 times the money I am on now is a good incentive but now there ARE more important things in life than money and perhaps savouring what time my Consultant and her team have managed to buy for me is a better prospect than spending that time working for some Corporate who wouldn't know talent and good value if you branded it on to their arm.

So I was working out what DO I need to do this year?

1. Make the most of being better, exercise, lose weight, improve my health and live well
2. Go to work, sort out whether a contract or permanent position don't overdo it
3. University Stuff - Make time and do it
4. Lodge and all that - giving most of it up this year so pressure coming off
5. Other Business Interests - put in some time and keep the balls in the air
6. Pay attention to family a bit more now you can

So that's my list - not much at all is it? How can there be so much rattling around in my head about what I need to do and when etc. It is all "in your head Mr Tweedy" (Chicken Run). So I just have to work on clearing it out of my head and it is gradually coming together. I certainly don't see this mountainous obstacle I saw two or three weeks ago.

I won't be able to change overnight but I can make a start by clearing out the times I have here and dumping the baggage of the past etc. Still not sure how I will battle the work gremlin who tells me I should be working elsewhere but I think I can sort this out somehow - I may just need to be creative and hope that the employer's can also be creative and flexible as the last thing we both want is for my creativity to be lost in the process.

I just hope that I can keep remembering to keep focused on the "few" things I have to work at. It isn't much, there is no need to worry about the scale of these things either. It will be interesting seeing how I cope with this "simpler life" I cannot imagine it will be easy for me but - as a good friend often tells me "you've done your bit - you may as well have a rest".

There is more of this to run - I'll try and revisit it as I work at it.

Productive but quiet day

I finally have the recipe for getting on with my work. I can't hear anything so no interruptions. It does feel a little strange to be this badly deaf. I often get this with a heavy cold but not this bad. I have just had a 20 minute session over Vick and Hot Water breathing in the steam under a towel.

I can hear occasional sounds and clicks but need to let nature take its course. It is massively frustrating of course. I was due to go to my Family History AGM but really don't feel up to it. Driving without hearing would worry me and I won't hear the lectures or anything else anyone has to say anyway.

I managed to get a fair amount done though today and a lot of preparation work is now completed. If I can just get a good run at it this weekend perhaps I can get back on track and get my Uni work in as well.

I haven't worked out what to do about work yet. I can't go back like this as I'd be a danger to myself as well as everyone else. I can't hear a phone, a fire alarm etc.

At least I can still work a bit from home which is useful. I've actually put up my year wall planner and started to make notes on that about what I am up to this year and all of a sudden, I've got lots of things to do and places to go. Excellent. All the F1 Grand Prix are already marked on, plus all my Lodge meetings as well as some of the visiting I am doing. All in all it looks good so far.

I'll see if I can run the momentum through the weekend.

No - still deaf

Cannot believe that it was all so close and then all so far again this morning. I was quite encouraged yesterday as I felt I was gradually beginning to get the odd clicking sound in my ears but overnight I had to revert to the hot bag to sooth my neck and ear which were aching. I wonder if the decongestant powders aren't actually doing what I need and are working to actually restrict things and not free them up.

I'll be trying to do some more vapour breathing again today to see if I can unclog things. It is beginning to wear a bit thin after a week of this.

Steam it out

A long hot steamy bath with eucalyptus oil and the hope that it will free up my poor decongested head and in turn mean I can hear again.

Off to bed early to see if I can shake it off finally and try and get back to normal and then back to work and so on.

What a nightmare. Trying to talk to people is a laugh as I can barely hear what they are saying except when on the telephone. Oh well. Let's see if this works.

Back under control

What a funny old month it has been. As I suggested earlier things would get done that needed to be done. I am not certain whether my University work can be saved but I might be able to do that if I put a BIG effort in this weekend. If I can do that, they will let me delay my assignments by three weeks which would allow me to catch up and get back on track.

I keep thinking to myself "what else are you doing that takes up your time" and in reality I couldn't tell you. I just seem to fill the available time with doing things. All effort and no achievement as my boss used to tell me many years ago.

Maybe I just need to hear those words next Thursday? Maybe that is it. Am I putting everything on hold awaiting the outcome and then the next steps? The "missing something" is still there and needs to disappear. Not sure what it is that is missing as of yet, I am guessing that it will crystallise next Thursday or soon afterwards. Could be a spiritual thing, could be a work thing, could be a personal thing, I don't know.

I shouldn't have a worry in the world really should I? What have I got to worry about? Work? I haven't been there since mid December and yet the office still runs without me and things are still getting done. What does that say about my job? Leisure stuff - I can have as much as I want, there is no stress. My friends are all under stress with the recession, where the next order is coming from etc. I don't have any of that. I'm giving up a number of my key jobs in Freemasonry this year. Again, nothing to worry about there. A few more meetings and I retire.

It is as if I don't actually want to put down any roots or make any firm commitments or decide on anything because there is still that little nagging doubt in my head. If it is gone by this time next week (and I do hope it is) perhaps I can get on and release a bit, I'm the only person holding me back.

I'm often my own worst enemy.

Well that's a small step for me

Up early, clear head and can actually breathe quite nicely. Still got the cough that isn't actually doing anything and the profound deafness.

Ho hum, at least some improvement though which I will take. I was getting to the point of wondering whether I'd ever be well again the way it was going.

I am however, going to spend as long as is necessary making sure I AM well before returning to work this time. I have ever expectation that the last 4 weeks have knocked the stuffing out of me.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, whine

Grrrr. All I can hear in my head. I don't remember ever being this deaf with a cold before. Apparently they tell me this one, if you are prone to that is a real bugger for it. I can just start to hear my right ear clicking in and out and catching high pitched noises.

The head over a bowl of hot water and Vicks Vapour rub didn't quite do it but it brought back old memories of the bronchial tube thing I used to have when I was a kid. It looked like a tea pot that had been pulled up in the middle and the centre bit had a large cork with a plastic mouthpiece on it. You drew breath in through your mouth inhaling steam and this sort of bronchial mixture which had been mixed with the hot water. the outlet/spout was actually an inlet to bring air in to mix with the steam. It was different if you used a bowl as you just stuck a towel over your head and breathed over the bowl but kept your eyes shut as the fumes made the edge of your eyes water.

I haven't used any of these for 45 years or more!!! And where on earth the memory of that evil bit of porcelain came from I'll never know :-)

At least today I was able to do some work and get on with things. Not at a pace I was happy with but at least I could concentrate and there was no extraneous noise to distract me. In fact I got one important document out. Now if I can concentrate and get another finished tomorrow I might just be making some serious inroads into my pile of things to do. Hey there may be an upside to this cold after all.


Well I am going to try and lie down quietly and not wake the house again with this cough. It has the barking sound of a performing Circus Seal and even I can hear it over the deafness so it must be bad.

A good thing the Mayor didn't bring in

An extension to the congestion charge - it would have cost me a fortune by now! No really, I feel completely bunged up. The easiest thing to do would be to chop my head off and immerse it in paint thinners for a day to clear it all out.

However, I don't think radical is needed. I shall try the old fashioned method of a bowl of hot water and some eucalyptus and see if the vapours sort it all out for me!

Here's hoping. It is beginning to drive me wild only listening to my heart and the "bells" :-)

A good Omen?

Steve K and andyp both have dates with their GP/Consultants next week and I think both on the 22nd January.

Guess what just arrived from my Consultant? An Appointment for next Thursday 22nd January 2009 at 11:15.

I hope that it is a happy circumstance and a good Omen that we are all being seen on or about the same time.

Fingers crossed for all of us.

"Dave Sky-Nando - It IS your Destiny"

Bad night

That wasn't nice, it all seemed to be going well as I got myself to bed about 9:30 and sorted tablets, syrups and all that good stuff out. Mrs. F. got to bed and then it started:

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

A moments rest, a sip of water, tickle in throat appears to have gone, lay down:

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

and

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

It wasn't getting any better I did the honey and lemon trick, lasted 5 minutes:

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.
Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.
Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

I took myself downstairs and after an hour all was under control. Mrs. F. appeared saying I should get back to bed but sit upright.

I did as commanded, climbed the stairs, set up pillows appropriately, slid into bed trying not to disturb. Huge involuntary gulp of air:

Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.
Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.
Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.
Cough, cough, cough, cough; cough, cough, cough, gasp, cough.

After 10 minutes of this I again took myself downstairs, double dosed on Honey and Lemon and Benylin and then after a while got it under control enough to realise at 7 in the morning I was being awaken by Mrs. F. who suggested I go up to bed. Pretty good advice, my feet were like blocks of ice and my neck was a bit stiff. I had three hours or so in bed, had a shower, have dosed myself up with various drugs again and will see how today goes.

I'm still very deaf indeed. All I can hear is my heartbeat and high pitched whistle in one ear.

Let's hope that I have broken the back of this cold today - I could do without another night like that or Friday night....

All making fun of me :-)

Family - great - they don't actually do sympathy do they? All I get is smirks and smiles as I can't hear what they are saying and I have difficulty knowing IF I AM SHOUTING or not as I can't hear myself talk properly either.

I hope it gets better tomorrow

What to do next

Bit of a quandary. Do I head off to the doctors as most people I know who have had this have complained of the deafness? Do I stick it out for a few more days? Don't know. It is a nuisance of the first order and not being able to hear things makes it all very disorienting. All I can hear is my heart beat in my ears all the time plus the high pitched tinnitus. No wonder it drives people mad, it is very annoying, you need to distract yourself from it.

I just hope that I can get rid of this quickly and get back into rebuild mode :-) Things like this, I find, never come at a good time. Of course, is there "ever" a good time??

Hello World

I have crawled out of my pit in the late morning this time and can't hear anything that is going on around me :-) It is very surreal, especially if people start talking and then walk away from you or change their voice to quiet half-way through. I have to keep asking "what did you say?"

The whole street can hear my TV - sure of it. I have been cheering myself up with the Monty Python TV series DVDs I got for Christmas, watching the odd episode when I emerge for my hour out of the bed. Subtitles on so I can get the gist of the noise.

I'm a little disappointed not to have my results yesterday but then again, I wouldn't have been able to hear what was being said to me and I could have infected the Hospital or got something on top of this. Will just have to wait. I'm sure if it was something worrisome I'd have been informed some other way. Although, my Appointment yesterday was in the Urology Nurse's area which would have been interesting - the site of my BCG instillations!

I am going to venture downstairs now and have a little food and see how I get on with things today. The head cold seems to have gone, the sore throat is less, the cough is worse and the ears are the same as they were.

When you feel this bad, my advice is not to go near a Vet!

24 Hours later

I still feel very ill, I got up about 2 hours ago and decided to come downstairs and I suppose I have been in bed about 36 hours or so. The cough is horrible and the deafness is profound. I hope that it isn't infection but viral and "keep taking the tablets". Some say that not hearing the wife is a good thing but to be this deaf is not at all nice, I can only just about hear and the TV is playing rally loud. Thank goodness for sub titles!

So I didn't go to the Hospital and didn't get my results and they will reschedule my appointment. I'm a tiny bit disappointed but I knew I was going out on a limb for Saturday. I think it was a good day out, a good meeting and that the members and visitors all seemed to enjoy themselves.

I'm paying the price for it now.

Surfaced for a few minutes

I have been in bed and not at all well. I guess I HAD to pay for yesterday's meeting. I had to be there and loaded myself up with drugs and just bludgeoned my way through it. Of course, that strategy meant that when I got home I went to sleep and didn't wake for 12 hours. When I did, I was looked at and told you aren't getting up today and have been asleep since then as well. The cold is pretty horrible and my ears are still blocked and I can't hear much.

It looks as if, if I can't shake this, I won't be going to the Hospital tomorrow for my appointment. It would be churlish for me to take this into the Hospital or for me to pick up something whilst I am still so ill.

I've just had a bowl of soup and will take my self back to bed again to see if I can shake this off.

Its over

It went really well so everyone told me. I could hardly hear a thing and I am concerned that my ear has some serious damage to it as I detected blood leaking from it this evening. Will my troubles never just stop.

It appears you get to 50 years old and your body just goes into revolt and body melt down! At least things are better than yesterday and I have had a couple of beers this evening - spaced out as I knew I had my paracetamol and ibuprofen as well earlier and really shouldn't be mixing it up but, hey ho, if I sleep tonight, perhaps I'll feel better in the morning.

It seemed to go very well but I was very concerned that is was a one sided things as I appeared to be doing just about everything. Someone whacked me with a chair accidentally and my foot feels really sore and badly bruised.

It is enough to induce paranoia.

Anyway, much happier than I was last night. Feel a long night coming on though but hope that everything settles down. Lots of decisions to be made and things to consider.

Here Goes

Well - I have had a shower - quite civilising I always find and found that my left ear was filled with some clag that I have removed - I am still getting tinnitus but I think that I can get over these but not sure what sort of mess I will be in when I get home.

It isn't every year you get to dedicate a banner - the last time was in 1936 and so working on that it would be about 70 years away!!! So I don't want to miss it.

Off in 40 minutes and go and get the place ready. It gives me 3 hours to sort it out.

It got worse

Just after I wrote the blog - the lamp in the toilet had gone and I couldn't work out how to change it such was the headache and pressure build up. My ear was in bad order - I had trouble with my right ear when I was a kid but that one doesn't get all the grief when I get a cold it is the left. This time the pressure kept building and then I could hear all sorts of bubbling, popping and creaking sounds followed by a large crash and bang as whatever it was gave way and my ear started leaking clear liquid and the tinnitus was the worst bit.

I can now hear in both ears my heart beat but at least the high pitched screeching that was going on had stopped. After an hour of agony, I managed to get everything under control, including myself, with some deep breathing and some calm thoughts. Then it really got nasty about 2 pm and luckily Mrs. F. said to try some Nurofen. I didn't want to take anything having had 4 - the maximum number of cold sachets the day before.

Anyway, a heat pack on my ear and neck and 2 Ibuprofen sorted things out and I eventually got some fitful sleep. I got up at 09:30 and had some toast, I have decided to do the Paracetamol and Ibuprofen mixture to see if I can sort this out. I believe (bit of late night research) that the decongestion sachets actually block the tubes up to your ear. If that is so, no wonder I have had problems - I always do.

So I have just taken a phone call about this afternoon and I do hope that I will b in a fit state to go. I was worried last night as I thought it might have been an ear infection yet I think it must be some sort of congestion related thing as there is no dizziness etc.

Someone said "you're going through the wars at the moment". He isn't wrong there. It's like Arnie has come back and given me "Payback".

"I'll be back!"

Started off OK

Now it is a night of utter frustration. I don't know what to do with myself. I've had a few hours sleep, I've had all the recommended medicine I should have to day and I am up with ear ache, headache, coughing and on and off congestion plus the hot and cold sweats. To cap it all the light bulb in the bathroom just blew and all of a sudden, I can't get to sleep, I'm anxious and just don't know what to do with myself.

I've got the hot flushes coming again now, I will go back downstairs where it is cooler for a while and see if I can relief the pressure.

I haven't felt like this for so long and it really isn't at all pleasant. I know that some of it is nerves for tomorrow but not much. I just need to go and get comfortable and try and get some rest. The trouble with this is the more that you worry about it the worse it gets.

That's Nice

The University have offered to allow me a 3 week gap to see if I can catch up with my studies. I'll think about that over the weekend. If I can just shake off this cold which has moved to the one deaf ear, hacking cough and sniffy nose stage now, I should be able to get onto that I hope.

What a nuisance, the pressure behind my ear is making it difficult to hear anything at all. I feel like a total wreck at the moment. I can hardly believe that I am like this. If anything I am worse now than I was at the start of the week :-) If I was a Horse, they'd have to shoot me!!

I've finished my preparation work for tomorrow now so I need to go and drug myself up and see if I can get rid of this cold as much as possible for tomorrow's meeting.

I hope all the effort will have been worthwhile. I am sure it will be.

Better but not much better

Now I've got the blocked nose and sore throat and headache from hell. Great :-) I've got lots of talking to do tomorrow in a large hall with about 100 people in it and it would be my luck that I'll have a voice of a shy 5 year old instead of one everyone can hear. Add to that I also have the sneezes - that took me by surprise as I was typing this too. I'm also a bit concerned about the throbbing around my bladder area - it could be palpitations - perhaps it is the bladder flexing to get rid of the other scabs. Whatever it is, it is noticeable and distracting too.

I've whacked some Vitamin C and I am having one of these Max Power Lemon Cold and Flu thingies with added honey. Sore Throat tablets and anything else to soothe my throat also being considered.

Another scab and bits came out this morning, this time more reasonably pea sized like normal.

Today, I'm on tenterhooks awaiting deliveries of toner for my laser printer, binding equipment for my brochures and working out all the other logistics for tomorrow. I'll need to ask the lads to move chairs and things around tomorrow (I must remember not to do that myself).

Damn I feel knocked out and just not right at all. I'm sure it will all be fine tomorrow, it always is, but I could have done without the added problems too.

OMG Ooooooooo YUK!

Oh boy - could it get any worse. Went to the loo about 8 pm and had a long load of debris and blood and bits firing out and thought Oh no! It was horrible and of course a little blood goes a long way when watered down but this was loads of bits and pieces. I thought someone had been up with a Chimney Sweep's broom :-)

About 45 minutes later I went and I kid you not, the scab must have been the size of Wembley Stadium. Oh alright then, a bit smaller than that about the size of a 10p piece (size of a Dollar US) I'm guessing, no more blood but hell, if they cut bits that large into me no wonder I feel beaten up.

I've been on the drugs all day for colds and Flu and back into a warm bed in a moment to see if I can sweat the rest out. Sore throat, sneezes and coughs - I'm being paid back for the past couple of years of being cold free I guess :-)

I can't believe this - I'm so unfit at the moment.

Everything I've touched today has turned to poo

I have had "one of those days" today. The Printer gave out, suddenly I'm expected to sort out the Table Plan for Saturday - as if I haven't got enough to do on the day. In addition to that, they can't find my next day delivery that should have been here on Tuesday and can't even tell me where it is until tomorrow which will be too late by then.

I then found that my Laptop hard drive (I bought a new one for it) isn't compatible and then I knocked my coffee all over my desk and the floor of my office!!

On top of that I sent a note quitting the University Course I was doing as there was no way I was going to manage to finish that with all the impromptu stuff going on as well.

I'm just mighty hacked off with everything at the moment.

What else could possibly go wrong

Well, how about my laser printer for one. It gave up the ghost about 10 minutes ago just as I was trying to complete a run of brochures. That has left me about 30 short of the target number. It is just the cartridge but what a nuisance.

I'm feeling - well, to put not so fine a turn on it - sweaty - I've been sweating this cold/Flu, whatever, out these past few nights and I am now also steaming away inside my jumper and tee shirt. Hopefully I'll get rid of the damn cold thing as I want to be fit for this weekend.

End of a Day I'd rather forget

Mind you I did get stacks of things done but I still feel like poo and I have this irritating cough that sends a shudder through my chest and stomach and groin which is really uncomfortable.

I need to see where I am with things tomorrow morning if I can realistically get my work done by Friday night I will try but I am losing hope of ever catching up now. There is just so much to do that I am not certain I can fit it all in.

I also need to work out what I am going to say in my talk on Saturday night - I haven't even written that yet!! I need to have a flexible talk to do anything from 5 to 15 minutes. It is all again a bit of a rush and didn't need to be as I was going to do this last May and didn't actually do it until last week!!

Back to clear again

Back to clear this time which is a relief - I guessed it wasn't a problem but you never know with these things.

I have dosed myself up with cold and flu remedies and will be taking it very easy again tonight. I was going to go off to the Jazz night but couldn't face the cold or the possibility of making this cold any worse than it already is.

I've managed to finish off most of the brochures for the weekend. I am getting a final proof read done and can then assemble them.

Nothing like

A stream of bloody urine to grab your attention is there???

I'm guessing all this coughing and racking my body has dislodged one of the scabs. It wasn't just a scab it was a full on flow for a short while and then afterwards went clear.

Shudder!!! It brings back many worrying memories but I'm certain this is OK and it just means all the scabs are coming away now. I just need to make sure I don't do anything silly whilst that happens.

What on earth was that?

I went out with two friends yesterday to have a few beers and lunch and to edit and review the documents I need to print off for Saturday.

I was really surprised to find that when I got home, I sat down and went into a Flu like series of shivering, hot and cold, headache, legs like lead, sore throat. Where on earth did that come from. I've dosed myself up with drugs and gone to bed and sweated most of it out during a very uncomfortable night's sleep. I still have some of the symptoms in a minor way but it did take me by surprise.

I was going to venture out tonight but it is so cold and I don't want this cold to get worse. What a nuisance.

I think I have also resigned myself to having to give up my course. I just don't have the time to catch up and I haven't been able to give it the concentration and attention that I should do. I will discuss that later this afternoon and probably give that up. It isn't what I wanted but I have been so low with this set of tests and over Christmas and the New Year that I would need to make a supreme effort to catch up and I just don't feel up to it.

Changed Date

I thought so. I sent off an e-mail querying the date for the Out Patients Appointment as late February really did seem too far away.

New appointment is next Monday (will I ever get back to work?) late morning. So at least by this time next week I will know which way the land lies and what the next steps are going to be.

A bit of trepidation around that meeting but maybe I'll find out a bit more about what went on and of course, the answer to the most important question of all - is it clear?

Well you certainly got my attention

Steve K and I have mentioned that awful moment you do your first Pee after biopsies or Peek and Poke and it is as if you are p1ssing Razor Blades or fire.

Well in this case I believe they took this a little too far. We used to say "only in America", but it can now also apply to Australia :-) Enjoy....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7812875.stm

Ventured Out

It is very slippery out on the roads and pavements and a couple of friends very kindly picked my up and dropped me back from the Lodge of Instruction meeting tonight. I have to say that I was really worried walking on the slippery surfaces. However, I managed OK and it was good to get out. I felt a bit cumbersome having to keep getting in and out of my Chair and walking around but I will be alright by Saturday. I need to set myself that target at least!.

I broke the back of one of the documents today and hope to complete the rest tomorrow. I still have lots of little bits to do but must get on with my course work as well. I feel that my time management skills really will come into play tomorrow! They need to.

Oh nuts

Nothing like giving yourself a bit of pressure is there? I just rechecked my assignment dates and they aren't the 15th January when I thought they were they are this Friday - the 9th. GULP. Guess who hasn't even started doing the lesson let alone the assignment.

Damn. I'd better get my arse in gear for that.

On a brighter note, thank goodness I didn't go for today to have the Operation. Knowing what I know now I'd have been lucky to have made it for this weekend's big show. Mind you I might have got my assignment done on time.

No need to panic quite yet - tomorrow morning will do for that :-)

In a Way

Thank goodness I decided not to go to work this morning. We have a thin layer of snow and ice and one slip and I'd no doubt have felt that all the way. I'm still not right. Funnily enough at least my mind is clearer than it has been for ages and I don't have that "heavy head" any longer. My stomach still feels like it needs a few weeks toning to get back to normal. I cannot fit into my ordinary trousers as they feel too tight and that's nothing to do with Christmas either as I haven't eaten huge quantities of food.

I just hope that I can get fit quickly enough to get back to work and to get Saturday out of the way. Also that I can sit at my desk for a little longer than I can now. I can do about 1 1/2 hours at a time now but even then that is pushing it.

Getting Somewhere Now

Thank goodness that I felt good enough and I actually got on and did some work today. A good run at this tomorrow and I'll be happy as I might get to knock this out in time for the weekend. I need to produce about 100 booklets of about 20 pages each.

I also need to do another booklet which is far easier as it is an A4 folded in half, again about 100 of those.

So I'm pleased with the progress and it has been good to sit down and concentrate on just getting this sorted out.

I've passed a few more scabs and bits tonight and so at least the inside of my much beaten up bladder must be getting better and back to what it considers to be normal.

I am beginning to feel better and hope that a few more days convalescing will have me sorted out and to get me back to some semblance of normality.

Better but some pay back

I managed to go to the party and survive although standing on my feet for the best part of 4 hours has played havoc with my back and so I am resting in my chair with my feet up but also with the laptop so that I can continue to work. Additionally I've started passing the odd scab when going to the toilet. That is to be expected at about two weeks and isn't a cause for alarm although it doesn't sound or is, in fact, pleasant. It is a good thing in a way as I can gauge that I am getting better and can start to do more active things without the worry of starting to bleed again.

At least today I have made a decision not to go to work tomorrow and I feel for the rest of the week. If I am honest with myself, I am not up to it and I'd rather sort this out now than go to work and set myself back as I have managed to do in the past.

I've got so much of a backlog of work built up that I must tackle this starting today and somehow I need to work out a way of getting it all done by the end of the week. I like a challenge - obviously...

Living Beyond Cancer

This is a good UK resource but I reckon as applicable as anywhere else. Interesting that Neil, aged 51, same age as me, felt victimised in his workplace. I felt that people took a very different view of me after diagnosis. Click on the image to go to the site.

About Time Too

At last someone is doing something about the other side of cancer not just the treatment.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7752247.stm

Rip Van Winkle

Yes - another 12 hours sleeping and I generally have another 1 to 2 hours in the afternoon too. It is getting kind of strange that I should be this knocked out but then again, perhaps the body is repairing itself. It makes you wonder what on earth they did to me.

It is a friend's 50th party today so I was left to cook some of the cocktail sausages this morning. That surprisingly easy task has left me tired too. What a wimp :-)

At least I don't have all the heavy headed cold symptoms anymore to contend with. Mind you, can I cope with a night out again?

I'm also seriously toying with not going back to work on Monday - I really cannot see myself being ready for that by then. I cannot sit at my desk for longer than about an hour at the moment - what chance of a full day at work?

What the hell did they do to me?

I have to ask quite what they did to me this time. I know they've told me before that as these are biopsies they tend to do a belt and braces approach to the samples and dig far deeper than they would if scraping off a layer or two of cells when doing a TURBT.

But hey guys, I shouldn't be feeling this beaten up almost 2 weeks on? Whether they cut deep, bent me into shapes that aren't normal, strapped me upside down or whacked me with a massive General Anaesthetic only they will ever know I suppose.

I can't believe how lethargic I am, how weak and just washed out.

There is another explanation someone floated. It's like the end of a long race, like a Marathon and you've crossed the line and now you are exhausted and catching your breath. That is another explanation that is plausible. I can see that when you get to the end (or supposed end) of something like this you let your guard down and succumb to fatigue or something like it. It's almost like that - utterly knackered :-)

Anyway - I look back to my last few weeks of posts and find that I am bleating on about how rubbish I feel but other people are far worse off than me. I need to get a grip on this - I'm beginning to turn into a whinger and I don't like that.

Doesn't seem to be getting any more predictable

I again slept for 12 hours or more. I suppose my body needs that to repair and I still feel out of salts and a bit lethargic. I can't believe that my shoulder and the top of my hand still ache as much as they do even 11 days on.

I got my letter from the Hospital today as well. Now here is an even more bizarre thing. I was told that they'd see me in 2 weeks or so given the holidays, so Mid January. Now the 19th February 2009 isn't mid January - in fact it is almost 2 months from when I was discharged. So I've written an e-mail to the Hospital just checking out whether they really meant that or whether they meant the 19th January. It can be read in a good way if it is the 19th February if you think about it. So I'll see what they come back with.

In the meantime I am trying to get myself motivated to get going today and once again I find that I really don't feel up to it.

Hey ho... Maybe later - I work better under pressure :-)

Curiouser and curiouser cried Alice

It's late in the evening, I've just had a lovely call with my relatives in New Zealand which was totally out of the blue.

But what is very strange indeed is that now, I feel fine, my head has cleared, I can breathe normally and I feel much lighter and ready to go and do something tomorrow. How quickly things swing around. It is a bit strange this coming and going of symptoms.

I'll see how I am tomorrow - I do hope that I'll be able to crack on and do some work.

Strange

I had enough medication to make it to see in the New Year but went straight to bed after watching the London fireworks on TV. I slept for 12 hours. I felt better when I got up and I have been taking it easy today. I've had a little bit more medication.

It felt like a small bit of Flu but I reckon my immune system beat it overnight. The problem is that it is another day that I haven't been able to do anything constructive. I've the odd cough and I feel a bit weak - I certainly don't feel up to getting on with some brain work - I can't concentrate long enough. I am just sat here tired and whacked out.