Things Have to Change

I looked back at this time last year and the year before to see how I was feeling and actually the same theme runs throughout. This time last year I at least acknowledged that I was clear and about to have another lot of BCG with a biopsy operation in April. The year before, I completed my first lot of treatment and still had CIS as far as I knew then - in fact it was downgraded to precancerous (ie not cancer but deformed cells).

I'm surprised that things are similar to last year and in some way to the year before in terms of outlook and wanting to move on but being unable to decide what moving on actually means. Each year has seen great strides forward and as far as I know that remains true today, if the biopsies are clear then I have been clear for over one year and in reality more like 18 months as I didn't have cancerous cells in April 2007 either. This is a massive positive - I will wait until I am told officially but unofficially (and they haven't been wrong so far) an all clear does make a big difference going forward. Will it be enough to make or even know what changes I think I need to put in place? I suppose I'll need to tackle that in the New Year.

I've been thinking a lot about the next steps and there will be a blog about it when I have completed it. I find it the most difficult thing but perhaps it is the most important too.

For example I am trying to address:

• What do you do when you get your life back?
• Where do you go from here?
• How do you live with the uncertainty that it may come back and you'll have to go through it all again?
• Do you HAVE to make a difference or can you just go back to normal?

Juggling with the various scenarios "does my head in" and so I am spending a fair bit of time trying to rationalise it out. Everything is up for review and options need to be worked through - hence it will take me a while to work through it and eventually blog about it.