Went OK

I was tired today and it wasn't helped by rescheduling a meeting forward to today. As usual - chaos ensued and I just managed to get things sorted in time.

I felt tired enough to fall asleep in the chair for 20 minutes when I got in though.

I'd be off to bed now but one of the kids has decided to take a late shower which is a lot of use when I am trying to get to bed!

Back to work

I will get back tomorrow and prepare for the next 3 weeks of interrupted service with my treatment. Right in the middle of it we have a major meeting that requires my attention and there are all sorts of pressures to get things done as well.

I suppose I ought to be looking forward to getting back to it tomorrow but in reality it is the effort required to get to and from work that appears to be giving me some of my problems. Perhaps I can work out some arrangement?

Positive Thinking

I've always tried to be positive and yet recently, as I realise that I am coming out of this part of the journey, I find myself - not worrying - that would be too much to say - but at the back of my mind is the concern that there is something else out there which is going to get me because this one didn't.

I know that is a strange thing to say but the nagging feeling is that if you get one cancer, are you likely to get another one - are you "more susceptible" perhaps? No one seems to have answered that and I don't like thinking about it but there it is this little voice in the back of my head saying those sorts of things. It isn't black dog invading my mind and dreams and making me depressed or anything either. Just one of those things that niggles in the background.

I'm still positive and upbeat though and if it wasn't for the fatigue, disturbed sleep patterns and other reminders of how weak I am, I'd be pretty certain that I'm on the right road. I need to remind myself that it has taken 25 months to get this far and that this is a long term thing. It isn't getting over a cold and going back to work exactly the same as you were before it. This totally changes you physically and mentally.

Another missed day

I was wide awake last night and couldn't get to sleep and knew that I'd be in no fit state to go to work so I e-mailed at about 1 in the morning telling them that. It is a real nuisance but part of the territory. I have to admit to myself now that I really cannot expect to be fit and healthy and manage to work as hard as I did yesterday and not suffer the consequences of that afterwards.

I'm OK but I do know that I've overdone it. The trouble is my ability to go out for an evening or even have a few beers is limited and I find myself tired or wide awake or like now, having the hot and cold sweats for no apparent reason.

Frustration at the way this hits me is another thing. It annoys me when I can't go to work but then again, I need to realise that this is all part of the fallout of having cancer. It is a long fight and when you get to the end of the treatment, like now, you let you guard down and forget just how poorly you were and just how much it has taken out of you.

Slowly it dawns on me how tired travelling to London and back every day makes me, let alone the work I do. Treatment starts next week and I know what that will be like for a while. It is a long road back to being fit and healthy again - I have to realise that being free of cancer doesn't mean I am cured, or recovered from all the mental and physical stresses and strains of the fight.

So tired was I that

I didn't actually post my Friday message until just now! I went to bed and slept for the Gold medal :-)

I got up Saturday, took the sample in, repaired this guys PC - gee did it have some viruses on it, went to a 50th party and have been wiped out today.

Anyway - now a little less tired I am retiring to bed.

Tomorrow week the treatment starts and that will bring its own interest - I was talking to some people last night about the "ability" to have the treatment and I really do hope that these three will be the last. It would be nice to set off with a clean sheet in 2009.

Stop messing with the Gravity Switch

I am convinced there is someone playing with the gravity switch. By which I mean this on off of fatigue I keep getting. It is just as if someone turned a switch. I feel absolutely wiped out tonight. I got home, fell asleep n the train and as I got in and sat in my chair.

It is the most amazing feeling as if a weight is pressing down on your whole body. You just don't want to try and get up and move against the force.

It is 9 in the evening and I write this just as I am about to go to bed as I just want to go and sleep.

I've got someone wants me to go and check out his PC or something and I have to get a sample into the Hospital in the morning and I must catch up with a huge backlog of things.

What a good evening out

I didn't really want to go but decided that I should get out as I was being a little bit negative about things.

Good thing to - I thoroughly enjoyed my evening and had a lovely meal, in good company.

What struck me was that one of my oldest friends was wondering whether we had fallen out?? Oh my, what had I done? Well - I just hadn't been in touch and for 6 weeks which is just amazing. Of course I haehaven't fallen out with him. Just time has disappeared and in my current inward looking phase I have just let work and tiredness get in the way of other things which are - frankly - rather important. I must be on the look out for that. I am concentrating so hard on me that I am not taking into account other people. Note to self - sort that out sooner rather than later.

Work is frenetic

Which is good - but wow - do I ever feel tired. There are about 5 main projects all in different stages of readiness and I am juggling to keep all the balls in the air.

That is fine but I also need to make some room for all my work here at home. I've been that knackered that I really haven't achieved much in the way of progress but I intend to this weekend. We have a bank holiday on Monday but that has now been booked with people coming around. So just Saturday and Sunday. I have lots to catch up and do and I've been invited out tomorrow evening. I suppose I ought to go to that.

A isn;t back from a brief holiday with her pals.

Tired

I stopped off to meet some friends at a Pub in London and just stayed for a few. I am so tired now that I am off to bed early again.

I have a full day of it tomorrow and so need to be up early and getting prepared.

I wish I could spend a little more on work here but perhaps this weekend I can set myself up to catch up.

Fatigue coming in again

Hit me over the weekend and again today - luckily not at work but I just fell asleep in front of the TV and so came up here to knock out a blog, catch up with some e-mail backlog. Got a call someone wants me to fix their PC for them. No use telling retired people that I work down the week and as usual, I said I'd help out!

I really cannot keep up these days. Thanks goodness a bank holiday coming up but realised that I am about to go back on treatment Monday week! I'll need to get my sample in this Friday or Saturday then I suppose! They do a cytology test on your urine these days to make sure there are no traces of blood. I believe that they have the ability to actually test for BC as well at the same time too.

So back to being tired and how to combat it. I suppose the only real way to do this is to work on fitness and trying to be clever with time. I have lots to do and yet I really am not managing my time well. Work is something that I concentrate very hard on and that I get in and don't stop until I go home. I do however go home on time every day - but I don't have a break at lunch time and just blitz my way through the day. I am guessing that I ought to start to have a break at lunchtime :-) As I have my University course starting in a month, I will make time every day to do something. I need to sort myself out this weekend to get my course books and set aside my time to myself to get stuck in. I'm pretty excited about the prospect but not about the time I may lose around Christmas with the operation - although perhaps being stuck at home I'll be able to really get stuck in?

I'm going to take myself off to bed and see if I can get a good night's sleep and see if that helps me.

Weekend without a blog?

Well almost - I went out Friday evening and just haven't felt brilliant since. I feel the fatigue coming on and it is as if I am ailing from something but not quite.

I don't seem to be able to sit down and concentrate on doing things that I should do. Mainly such things as getting back up to speed with all my administration work. I'm going to have to sort things out soon as already I can see a back log of work.

I didn't even get around to doing any blogging this weekend. The Olympics kept me amused and it has been two good days but the real reason is that I just don't feel like doing anything at all at the moment. Maybe I will snap out of it later.

I must be getting older

Or perhaps more sensitive to information. Everyone seems to have cancer or know someone who does. It just seems to be one of those things that I'm tuned into I suppose. The trouble is that a lot of the ones I am hearing about are really aggressive and sudden and nearly everyone of them has been terminal of late.

I'm thinking to myself "there but by the grace of G-d go I!!"

I'm actually feeling very well indeed. I could do with losing a few pounds but other than that and the tiredness which isn't as bad but is in the background, I'm OK. Long may it remain that way.

A day for losing my sense of humour and for celebration

A Level results day so A went off and got her results which were better than expected and more than she needs to go to Uni. She is out with her friends enjoying a few drinks to celebrate. Not all did so well and so whilst we are pleased there are some worried faces and clearing but it looks as if they are all sorted with a place.

As for my loss of humour. I bought an online season ticket months ago and use it every day - yesterday it sort of didn't work so I went to change it just like it says I can. Now here is the "BUT". You can't just change it because you bought it on line we need to see the receipt - no matter that the ticket has my ID card and name written all over it!! So I dutifully get that and go in early this morning. They want 15 minutes to sort it out! I need to be put on the system and I would have missed my train and so I go and wait for my train and 15 minutes later when the train is due they cancel it (they wait until the minute it was due to do this). I then go over the platform and get another train which is of course really crowded and get to London where I try again to sort the ticket. Oh no, I can do it but it will take me 15 or 20 minutes and it isn't issued from here you should go to your home station - I explain that I had already done this.

Leaving work early so I can get to the station in time, I am surprised to find my ticket now works quite nicely at both ends. When I get here though - the ticket office is closed!

You couldn't make it up could you. Modern IT has moved us nowhere. 20 years ago you could walk in to the station and they would replace a faded ticket straight away. Now you need 3000 NASA scientists to programme the tea machine! Utter pillocks the lot of them and a load of "jobsworths".

So, rant is over, I am going out to lunch tomorrow and then in the evening we are going out to my friend's 51st party! Cool.

A nice birthday

My Daughter L. We went out - 8 of us and had a lovely meal in a country pub and it didn't cost the earth. Very pleasant and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Note to self - we must do more of that sort of thing it was really enjoyable much like the holiday...

Work was OK but got some bad news as a friend's father has a very nasty cancer indeed and I don't think that anyone has accepted the prognosis. All clutching at remote 2nd opinions and the like at present. From what I have heard and know, it isn't great news.

I'm reminded that my cousin is going through chemo at the moment but doesn't feel up to talking. I'm in two minds whether to write and empathise - I feel a bit of a fraud when it comes to my cancer compared to some of the terrible things other people have to put up with.

Another opportunity to get out on Friday when it is a friend's birthday (who I had the joint party with last year). Tomorrow A gets her A level results. We hope for good things and that she will go on to University. If she does, I think it will be the making of her, she has changed so much this past year. She really is turning out to be joy in both her attitude and her performance. She works really hard and deserves to do well.

Small World

So I met up with a friend who is going off to Florida this Friday. Where are you staying I ask? Blow me if it isn't a few miles from my Aunt and Uncle!

I spoke to the boss yesterday - he asked if I got my tan sitting in the garden or away. Told him I had been to the Azores - guess where he went 2 months ago???

Life is full of little coincidences - Same town/city in Florida - same town/city in the Azores - how bizarre.

Of course I should have been in Chicago this week (lucky it wasn't last week looking at the weather) but that didn't happen! Maybe that was pre planned too? Perhaps that is taking it too far :-)

I wonder sometimes about fate, coincidence and other spooky stuff? I knew I had something wrong with me some time before it happened and I do tend to pick up on tenuous connections before most people. Maybe I am just paranoid :-)

Working from Home

Typical - it has cleared up now - nice a bright although they say worse is on its way. It looks stupid now but I've been working since 6:40 and so will get more done today than I probably would have anyway.

What still at home this morning?

Afraid so - the wisest should be building Arks! I walked no more than 150 yards and was soaked through. Came back, got changed - walked less this time and decided to give it a miss! That's two pairs of trousers, socks and shoes soaked through and a third isn't going to prove to be any better given it is stair rodding it down outside.

I'll e-mail the office and work from home today - it is easy enough to do and I have plenty to get on with. Now to see if the remote working system actually does!

I think 3 or 4 years ago I would have battled on through but I can't be spending hours in wet clothes or getting chills or hypothermia - and believe me - I reckon that was possible this morning.

Oh Dear

A good acquaintance died whilst I was away. Funeral was today and so I missed it. Terrible - they only found out it was cancer 5 weeks ago. Dreadful for his family and a big shock to have such an aggressive form of Cancer.

On the work front - today was great to get back into things - I was tired though. I managed to just about sort out my e-mail although I have a bit more still to do to really catch up.

I've got confirmation of my University Course. I need to plan things out now to cover that. I am giving up some of my more strenuous admin jobs next year thank goodness. In a way I was able to use them to help me through.

August and we have rain and gales! Oh to be back in the Azores :-)

I also now need to lose some weight too and so I am being careful on my diet and I will be ramping back some exercise. Of course, treatment looms in just a few weeks time to halt that but I want to be prepared and fit for December's operation. I'd like to come away from that and recover quicker because I am fit.

Back to Work

Tomorrow - not sure I want to go back though. I fancy a week off doing nothing. We did something every day on the Azores and whilst they aren't large I drove nearly very day somewhere or the other.

The nice thing was that I didn't think too much about anything to do with work, health or anything. It was nice to get away with the family.

The Azores are a great place to go. Get there before anyone else discovers them. they are as I imagine pre tourist Portugal was like, mixed with Madeira and a little bit of Iceland all thrown together.

Well - better get to bed and get ready for an early start tomorrow.

Back to Blighty

Wet and wild and cold :-)

Had a good time and one of the best holidays I have had in years. More later but back nicely tanned, relaxed and not sure that I am ready for work on Monday though.....

Last post for a while

Getting ready to go on holiday. Phew, do I need it. As I finished work yesterday I could feel the reverse thrusters and the brakes come on. Despite saying I have a job without the pressures of a commercial one, I think that you do put in a tremendous amount of effort to establish yourself and to make the right impression.

I was pleased to talk to a few other people down the week in the organization and they were saying what a difference I had made and how the place has a bit of a buzz now. I feel good about the work I've done and I have the guarantee of a job next year after my 1 year contract comes to an end and so I really ought to be more than happy that I have made the right impressions and secured the job.

Rest and relaxation are the next items on the agenda. We fly off this evening and I understand that the Azores are like Madeira but quieter. Well Madeira used to be quiet too - especially if you wandered around the island like we used to by bus and hire car and really get off the beaten track.

It appears that we are way out of the towns but near enough to reach civilisation in about 10 minutes. In one place we are in a house built of Lava rocks! Anyway, we are packed ( a bit of a first is that) and ready to go. We just have to sit around for the rest of the day waiting to go. Also we are trying to eat up all the food in the Fridge. I am quite looking forward to a Ham, Yoghurt, Salad and Fromage Frais sandwich :-)

Anyway, see you all soon, I do hope that I will be more relaxed and laid back on my return and that I can think a little less than I do now about life, the universe and all that!

Dreams and nightmares

I dream in colour and they are very vivid. Last night I had a very frightening dream, so real I could hardly believe it and this morning I was very carefully checking when I went to the toilet.

The dream was that I passed blood again, however that is how real it felt as it actually felt, when I woke up that it had actually happened. I know it can't have and everything is normal. Trapped away in the back of my mind is still the horror of seeing that happen and also, trapped away is the fear of it returning.

Thinking about myself

This holiday will be different from last years. Last year - a celebration that things were going in the right direction - lots of things to do - being organised (if you wanted to be) - excursions etc. This year, quiet, own car, self catering in the middle of nowhere, idyllic scenery and some time to reflect on the past few years, take stock, recharge the batteries, let go of things that need to be lost and grasp new opportunities ahead.

It is time to detox my mind too. So I hope that I'll be able to put much of what has happened behind me and move on after this.

Reflections and almost some tears

I was out with very good friend who had Prostate Cancer a few weeks before I had my diagnosis.

2 years tomorrow since I had the operation and I spent a long time with him reflecting on our journeys.

It is only when we got to the point of agreeing that we spent a lot of time assuring our own families that we were OK that the full impact of our journeys really struck home.

I had a thoughtful and very emotional journey home. I can't really explain what and why that should be. It was a retrospective I guess and a beginning of the realisation that I survived and an acknowledgement of the journey I had taken so far. In a way, I now feel as if I am beginning to fulfil some sort of destiny or get to "peace with myself". I really do have the right job at the right time and many people are now coming over to my way of thinking.

I go on holiday on Saturday - I am really looking forward to that. This time, I will be able to relax a bit more I hope. I need the break more than I probably realise.

How I hate

Commuting and all that goes with it. Really warm day, get to the station to come home - track side fire, signals not working, station heaving and tempers getting frayed.

I did no more than turn on my heels and went and did 2 hours work in the Institute of Directors (yes opposite NZ House) and came home later on an empty train that pulled out on time. They were still running trains all over the show though.

I shudder to think how we expect to be running the Olympic Games in 4 years from now given the state of our transport system. In 1888 it was state of the art and led the world. These day state of the ark may be more appropriate.

Oh and just to make us feel good about using public transport and playing the green ticket, the fares are going to go up double the rate of inflation (AGAIN) this year. Gee thanks. It was also a bit like rubbing salt in the wound that all the top railway men got there 6 figure bonuses yesterday.

You may have noticed that I never really lost this cynical streak..

A Good Day Today

I really motored on with my work today and got a load done. I am of course trying to get everything done before Friday - my last day - and so I have been winding up the workload. I felt a little hot on the train though as the temperatures begin to climb. It should hit 30 on Friday and I intend to be working at home that day.

BA History here I come

I signed off the documents and paid the fee today and so now I am on my way. What a stroke of luck though, one of the first aspects of study is Cezanne and I have the National and the Courtauld Galleries just 5 and 10 minutes away. Hopefully that will get me off to a good start.

I'd been dithering for a few days and wondering whether or not to do it but finally decided that I really need to get some goals lined up to keep me focused and to "do something with my life". Well kind of...

How could I forget?

21st July - the day I was diagnosed 2 years ago. Probably a good thing that I am not remembering anniversary dates! The 25th was the day I had the first operation!

And yet I had a good day

I'm tired - it is the story of my life these days but I enjoyed my day at work and I do work really hard but I love my job - it is so varied and today my double sided 1796 petition was hinged onto the wall and people are really impressed with it.

I managed to build a set of instructions and guidelines - update the web site, change the photographs, get some posters off and a few other things too. I was half asleep on the train on the way home though and I'm off to bed in a minute as I won't last too much longer.

So this feeling? What is it? Well, I am guessing it is just getting ready for the holiday, winding down, working very hard these past three months to "establish" myself at work. Happily, I've done that they have nigh on offered me a permanent role next April. That would be nice.

I hope that this holiday will see me rested and recharged for the next onslaught. Yet, I look back on how I was last holiday and the improvement is massive and so I really shouldn't be quite as critical as I am now.

The thing to bear in mind is that having something seriously wrong with you takes it out of you in more ways than one. When you finish fighting is when you feel fatigued and I don't want to "let my guard down". Things have gone so far in the right direction that I would be pretty upset if there were a set back. But let's face it, I haven't actually "had" cancer since this time last year! Even so, I've been having the treatment and being knocked out in the hospital and all that doesn't help. the treatment bangs you about a bit and as a very good friend tells me your hormone balance is blown all over the place and takes a very long time to settle down.

I'm certain this stuff isn't serious - but your mind likes to tell you that every little thing IS serious :-)

Oh well a good day and I have far more of these than bad ones these days. I just need to ease up, that's all.

Something not quite right

It seems a strange thing to say because, nothing has been quite the same for a couple of years and yet whilst I am complaining that I haven't recovered and that I am not really well, I can definitely say that something isn't right.

I can't tell what it is at the moment. Maybe I really need this holiday and time off? I just don't feel great. I have dragged myself up this morning and I'm just about to go and have a drink and my morning pills prior to going to work.

There is something niggling away that just says - you aren't right. However, blood tests are all OK and in reality I generally feel alright excepting the non stamina bit. I could do with losing a good few pounds which I am tackling now but that isn't it either.

I'll see how I feel once I have been at work today for a while.

Read the Signs

I tend to not be taking notice of what my body tells me. For example on Friday it was the staff summer party. I wasn't particularly thrashing back beers etc which had run out anyway quite soon but we on to a pub and after an hour or so, I managed to fall off my stool. Now luckily it was a small table stool and also that most people could see that I hadn't exactly been drinking but it was a shock that I had lost my balance. In reality, I had been trying to let someone get their bag from under the table and the stool didn't slide but tipped. However, I could do absolutely nothing about it. I decided to go home after that anyway but it struck me that losing my balance like that was how all this began about 2 1/2 years ago now as I fell over in the street. Again, no real boozing involved but just lost my footing. I'm still not reading these obvious signs of tiredness and really need to be taking it far easier. I intend to take things differently on return from holiday.

I was tired when I got home and yesterday. I'm fine today but I do need to be on the watch out for this. I think I am back to normal and actually, I haven't accepted that I am not. In my heart of hearts I know damn well that I am not anywhere near back to normal and yet I outwardly act that way. I tend to throw up a protective barrier around me and act out how I am but in reality it isn't sustainable as I really don't have the energy to pull it off for a week at a time.

Anyway, holiday soon and at least I will get some rest and relaxation. I was speaking to the boss and told him that I thought I had slightly overdone it in the first 3 months of the job. I think perhaps I have.

Fatigue

It appears to be something that I am getting towards the end of the week and it is controllable. I am feeling quite tired now at 10:30 at night and so that will do for today and I will go to bed. I'm not certain about taking some of these co-enzymes and things that have been recommended.

Good news from the Doctors is that blood tests are "satisfactory" which sounds to be Doc speak for OK.

An evening spoilt by

An incontinent fox that had crapped in my drive. Great - just what I needed to step in and bring into the house at this late hour - thanks to all you green anti hunt people in your city dwellings we have rats, foxes and a plague of wood pigeons, magpies and other unsavoury pests to live with.

Dog owners have to pick up the waste their dogs leave but after your legislation, you aren't coming around picking up the mess these vermin make nor tidying up the trash and bins they upset overnight nor the rats and other stuff now left loose to wander around our houses. As we aren't allowed a shotgun or anything else to keep the population down, things are just getting worse and the do gooders are happily tucked up safe in their city and town houses.

I think that is enough of a rant for the moment. It just really annoys me that I have a drive full of Fox shit when, frankly, two or more years ago you hardly saw foxes except in the woods! The country is goin to the foxes - or the dogs!

Insomnia - Again

It does annoy me when I feel tired, go to bed and then cannot sleep. I've been to a meeting this evening that was interesting but not anything to make my mind spin. I suppose with all the things that I am working on at work, that could be it but something somewhere is niggling away in the back of my mind and just not letting me sleep.

Perhaps hearing tonight some very bad news about someone I know, hearing that another friend who is also terminal is facing up to things and out and about and making the most of his last summer. Also another friend has had a recurrence of a Cancer that was not meant to come back. In fact he is one of only a handful that has bucked the trend. So that is three not good news bits in one day.

I met with a person who is 7 years into their BC regime and clear. Cystoscopy (poke and peek) in a few weeks time for him and fingers crossed that will be clear for him. He has been on the harder regime of BCG instillations and is nearing the end of that cycle - the one I thought I would have to have.

Anyway, wandered over to the office to have a moan :-) Sorry to burden you with this. At least I didn't wake you up to tell you that I couldn't sleep!!

Better

Again, a lot better today but working from home and no travelling tends to boost things. I suppose that I haven't actually commuted for close to 10 years. It makes a difference when you don't have to add a couple of hours on to your working day, every day.

I am looking after "A" who has had her Wisdom teeth out - she seems a lot better this morning which is good. Poor girl looks like a Hamster though - her face is swollen - which is no surprise.

It was OK today

Thank goodness - up OK, got to work listening to my Portuguese Linguaphone course! Work was good as I manged to drill the stuff I had missed last week and get that done, got home early so that the boss could pick up the pictures I had framed.

A was in Hospital today, bless her, having her Wisdom teeth out - thankfully just 2 not the 4. Poor girl looked whacked when she got home. Lots of sympathy from me, I see they cannula'd her left hand so I KNOW what that is like - not pleasant at all. She is feeling a little sick - not surprising as she has never had a General before. I am on duty tomorrow to make sure she is OK. At least she has had it done and she can enjoy her holiday soon and then off to Uni (we hope).

I feel fine this evening and I hope that this lasts into the week. I do find it particularly disturbing that I wasn't aware that I'd get the fatigue bit kicking in and I find that disruption of my plans is quite annoying. Anyhow, things are getting better - or at least they appear to be.

Give it another go

I will see how I get on this week. I haven't had the fatigue so much - slight insomnia which wasn't great but I hope that I can get up and get myself going and get to work in the morning.

I feel fine now - but I did this time last week too!

Routines or are they Ruts?

I was considering that things are now in a pattern and I've never liked patterns. It is funny that I now catch the same trains, know the best places to sit, know the quickest and most scenic routes to walk to work and tend to do roughly the same things day in day out. I read the paper and finish and fold it just as the train pulls out, I go to the same shop and buy a croissant in the morning etc.

I'm certain that this routine is in fact turning out to be a rut and something I am programing into myself and so, I think I must start to break that somehow by mixing things up a bit and doing things differently. I'm not sure quite what I will do but I need to think about breaking habits and routines and go off and do different things.

Time to get up off my behind and do something....

Defence Mechanisms and Coming to Terms with the Big C

I still firmly believe that once I had got over the first few months of disbelief, horror, terror, revulsion and upset that I went into a very interesting state. That included understanding all I could about my disease, its treatment, its various outcomes and my chances of getting out of it.

Frankly, my chances were pretty good once I had spent time understanding where it was all going and even if things had gotten worse, there was still a way forward that would have given me 5 or many more years.

The defense mechanism is to be brutally honest about what I had, tell anyone if they asked, tell people how I felt (even if I felt s**t) and to be confident, have a sense of humour about it and to approach it in that way. I've never looked at this seriously until now, afterwards as I have been taking it as it comes knowing I was on the roller coaster and that it would stop when it wanted to rather than when I wanted it to.

The end is in sight, the roller coaster is slowing down. Whether I am dizzy from the ride or from the expectation that it will soon be over I haven't thought yet but it just seems to me now, after having gone through most of the treatments and operations and tests that now I am slowly coming to terms with just how ill I was and just how much this has taken out of me. Clearly I am a lot better than I was a year ago and certainly 2 years ago. In fact I am probably healthier than I have been in 5 years in reality.

However, I look at myself now and I realise how much it has taken out of me these past few years. Putting up a fight and battling mentally and physically I think have really taken it out of me. As you can probably guess, the battle is constant, you don't get a weekend off and you keep your guard up and you work at many levels. Certainly one of the most peculiar things you have to do is to keep the spirits of your own family up and reassure friends and family that you are OK and that you are doing well and that you will improve and so on.

Once you get past all that life changes yet again and this weariness takes over. No doubt, it will pass, as all of these trials and tribulations have done these past few years. If anything, putting up a fight, putting up a defence mechanism are all parts of the beating of this disease. Coming to terms with it - well that is a different thing.

These days, you are more likely to survive Cancer. The advances are phenomenal and these are noticeable even in the past two years with bladder cancer and treatment regimes and also some of the cytology testing. It is becoming more like a serious disease that you can live with. Sure, it "ain't for sissies" thanks to an American cousin for that one :-) but it is treatable, you can continue to work (although I was lucky not to have to do too much travel etc). I actually think that had I been working full time, I may have been able to work my way through this a little better in a way as I would have had a different routine but - that wasn't my choice. I think what I am trying to get at is that is can be lived with these days and is just as treatable as some other serious diseases (heart attacks, liver or kidney problems etc).

So finally, coming to terms with the Big C. I haven't come to terms with it at all yet. It still hasn't really sunk in. Recent events tell me that I know I have had something seriously wrong with me and I know "what" it is. It just hasn't hit me in any strong way what that actually means or quite how I should react to it. I had all the emotional responses right at the beginning - I know that I am completely changed as a person now but the defence mechanism is still working and protecting me from the possibility that I may not have got the favourable diagnosis, operation results, effective treatment and recovery. Maybe because I did get everything favourable - I don't need to look at something that didn't or hasn't happened?

Back to the insomnia

So awake am I at almost 1 in the morning I thought I'd come into the office (at home) and type it up in the blog. This LINK is pretty good at summing up the fatigue problems. Now, I have the insomnia back. I'm now running through my head that I should have gone to work and done certain bits of work last week. I'm on some guilt trip about being ill again.

I'm not too serious about that last statement. I just mean that I am the sort of person who is concerned that I shouldn't be having days off and I don't normally - whatever "normal" may be these days. I remember writing a heart felt apology letter to the company I was working with when I was diagnosed as I hadn't long started with them and didn't want them to think that I joined knowing I had something like this. I'm like that - a strange sense of honour/duty I suppose.

Anyway, the holiday cannot come too soon I think. I need a break and to just give myself a couple of weeks without anything to worry or hinder me. This year, I won't have the same pressures as the past two years. Well in year one I was recovering from the operation and we had no holiday at all. Last year we were on the Cruise but I wasn't anywhere near as well as I am now and I was also under some pressure about reaching my targets. Not that, on reflection, it did any good reaching them anyway :-)

I really don't need this swinging between tiredness and wide wake. I really could do with getting back to normal again. I probably, more likely, need to perhaps now reflect on just how seriously ill I have been and realise that after fighting this for two years, I am bound to be tired or insomniatic sometimes :-)

Was OK I suppose

I had my blood pressure and it wasn't great but it was way down on last year and if you took 10 off it would have been fine which sort of sits with my normal reaction to going into a Doctors surgery. Then went and got my blood done - took 45 minutes waiting but got it done OK, so happy about that.

Got my hair cut - I told the hairdresser that I had been stopped by the health and safety people and my hair was a "trip hazard" She wasn't amused. Anyway - I did that and to celebrate - as I hadn't eaten, I went into the local pub and had a Black and Blue Burger (Burger, Bacon and Stilton cheese). Very nice too.

Back home and reasonably pleased with today. Did some more research on the fatigue problems and understand more about it now. I am hoping to sort something out about that.

Now looking forward to 2 weeks time when we fly off to the Azores for a Holiday - in fact I am almost getting excited about this as I can live out some of my childhood books on these small Islands and imagine Long John Silver and Robinson Crusoe :-) Anyway, at least I'll get a rest.

Tests Day

Blood Pressure followed by Blood itself. I have had to fast for a minimum of 10 hours - not difficult, just do that overnight. I'll be a little hungry by the time I get my test down but at least the queue will have gotten smaller by then, it is normally absolutely crazy first thing. This way I should only have to wait about 30 minutes or so.

These are tests for whether or not my blood pressure and cholesterol tablets are working (not that I needed thee latter - they just give Statins as a precaution these days). You can't tell whether things are better as so much else has gone on. My own blood readings tend to bear out the fact that overall my readings are lower although I'd like to see them lower than they are now they are still acceptable. I need to get back to being a lot fitter than I was though to do that. Spookily I haven't felt this well for years even after these recent fatigue bouts. I have a general feeling of "being better" and getting better as time goes on.

I feel fine this morning - slight fatigue but nowhere near as bad as yesterday's lethargy. I have today and the weekend to get myself back to normal and hopefully, I can get to work on Monday and do a full day without feeling tired.

Another day wiped out

I didn't get home until late on Wednesday evening and so much for cutting out the beer a friend of mine turned up and we had a few beers. However I wasn't really prepared for Thursday morning and in fact for the whole of Thursday as I was totally wiped out again. This fatigue thing is really getting concerning now as it is unlike me. I suppose I ought to be thinking about taking things easier and perhaps, I will just approach things differently after tomorrows tests - well today's actually.

I must have slept for about 15 hours today! I'm wide awake now of course when I should be asleep. i shall try and get back to a level of equilibrium.

I can't really explain quite how these periods of exhaustion are but I just didn't want to, and actually probably couldn't have done anything other than sit. Getting up to get a drink was almost too much. It was the height of laziness almost but every part of my body felt limp and tired and my brain couldn't fix on anything to do.

I hope that this goes away soon though as it is affecting the work I was planning on doing.

On the Wagon

That may be a UK colloqiualism but - it means no more alcohol until after Friday. I have my Blood Pressure and Blood Fasting tests on Friday morning and I'll be making sure I don't do a silly like last time :-)

I still don't fancy having my blood taken but needs must I suppose and I will have to get used to having a couple of these a year. I used to have one a decade before these troubles and even then not an armful! Thanks to Tony Hancock for that one :-)

Had a good evening out with my Nephew and an old school friend. A good evening and now to get ready for work tomorrow and see if I can stay the course this time :-) Poor old fella!

A Royal Day

I couldn't say much but we have been leading up to the Grand Opening today and I got into work in time to see some more of my pictures go up in the Exhibition area. I had been working with a small committee for the day but - of course, you can't say anything and most of the staff only knew yesterday.

It was very nice as HRH Duke of Kent - who is our Grand President came and opened the offices. we thought he would only shake hands with a few people but he shook hands with us all and had a chat to quite a few too. Luckily we managed to get back to work pretty quickly afterwards. A lot of preparation for about a 40 minute visit.

Back on the hot flushes again

I remember these and had the occasional one last week and the week before. Back now and it feels like I am sitting in a sauna.

This getting better malarkey is no joke, you get all the seasons in one day here, hot, cold, awake, sleepy. If I could think of a few more I could get to seven and make them sound like the Seven Dwarfs, but I can feel the headache coming on again together with the flush so I'm not going to bother.

This is just the most bizarre set of sensations. Don't do drugs, have Bladder Cancer! :-)

And then the Truck Reversed over me :-)

I got up at my normal 5:30 this morning and immediately felt that I wasn't right. I was so tired and this from someone who slept a lot on Saturday afternoon and slept in on Sunday and fell asleep a number of times yesterday.

It must be the aftershocks of the treatment and I imagine I had these before but as I wasn't working flat out, travelling everyday and able to work flexible hours, that I didn't notice them.

I feel OK now that I have had a further 5 hours rest but it is very noticeable how my mind and body just shuts down and when the episode is over I am back up and running again. Very strange.

I wouldn't mind but it was going to be a good day today at work and I've missed that. Oh well there is always tomorrow. The important thing is that getting well is more important than missing work for a day and anyway, I'll do some work this afternoon anyway at home as I can. Some people don't have that advantage.

Strange Day

Listless, felt very strange all day long and now I feel a lot better. I have no idea what all that was about at all.

We had an interesting day the British GP was won by Lewis Hamilton which was good, Wimbledon was a thriller and we were trying to sort out our holiday which may finally be settled as long as the Travel Agent answers the questions we have correctly.

Trouble is that two of us like sun and lying around doing nothing, the other two fry in anything much over the mid 20 degrees Centigrade (about 70 F in old money). So the Mediterranean is out and no matter how hard I try getting them over to the US is not an option - I may have tried Canada but not for just two weeks. A real pain as we have to be back for results and youngest doesn't finish school until late and so we have a three week window to fit two weeks holiday in!

So we may well end up in the Azores - I fancied Cape Verde but with only a few weeks notice we cant quote get the package that I wanted.

I have to miss out later this year on going to Spa in Belgium for the Belgian Grand Prix as I wouldn't get back in time to have my 2nd BCG of the last round of treatment. I know where I'd rather have been :-)

Anyway, I'm a lot better and ready to go to work tomorrow which at one time I was contemplating not going in. I'll see how I am in the morning but I should be OK.

Writing this I have just broken out into a sweat again, which happens occasionally after BCG treatments and so perhaps it is ongoing reactions to that.

Getting hit by a truck

Well - I haven't been ill for two years (colds, flu, not even much of a sniffle). Yesterday I got progressively more tired and listless and struggled to stay awake much and kept dropping off in my chair. I didn't eat last night and took myself off to bed.

I think that it is exhaustion - I slept for 12 hours and I still don't feel "right". I couldn't say what it is, just a general malaise.

I am pretty much convinced that it is the increase in my activity and my body not really being fit enough to cope with it. I will have a lazy day today and then see how I get on. I must eat something even though I don't feel like I want to.

Another good site to help us Bladder Cancer Warriors

Try this site which has some great pictures and a lovely "off the wall" sense of humour (or should that be humor) to cheer up and chase away those cancer blues.

http://gotbladdercancer.blogspot.com/

The journey has its ups and downs but you need to see the funny side in it as well and to keep your spirits up.

Someone asked me at work why I was always happy and that they have never seen me moody or upset or angry. The answer is easy - I'm alive! I'm getting better! I didn't think I was going to be here 2 years ago! The answer is that everything has a positive and adding that to the previous three statements makes for being happy and communicating that to everyone you meet.

Having a job that I thoroughly enjoy, people who are a joy to work with, whose idea of a deadline and pressure are far removed from my experience of what those particular words mean also makes it interesting and for me to be happy too.

My Birthday

I was out last night with some friends. Oysters and a nice Lebanese Red Wine to wash them down, a Turkish restaurant and then home. I could have done with out the Turkish Chili sauce.

A nice evening, I'm up early but not sure if I will feel able to continue to work a whole day. I managed that (and a bit more) yesterday. It was a long old day and a committee meeting in the afternoon dragged on far too long.

So after 2 years? I'm alright now and having turned the corner don't think much about BC apart from this blog and some of the times I get tired or have to have some tests, treatments or other stuff done.

I think that setting some targets to achieve has got to be the way forward now as I'd hate to get over this, do nothing and letting my guard down somehow get a recurrence. Moving on is what is needed and I fully intend to do that.

And yet

When I want to get to bed I am wide awake - it is like some crazy reverse jet lag. I know in the morning I will feel rubbish and yet now, when I should be asleep, I am wide awake.

Doh!

Fatigue

I can understand how combat soldiers coming back from battle could sleep for days. I can really feel for anyone who has chronic fatigue syndrome as I am really struggling. I have hours when I work like a demon and the times when I just can't get going. If I have to hit a deadline tat is OK. Immediately afterwards, I am wiped out, half falling asleep.

I get on the train and I am out like a light and at home I can sit in my chair and almost pass out, so sudden is the descent into sleep.

It is quite common in Chemo, Radio and Immunotherapy. I also think that it is the "general relief" after having spent close to 2 years "combating" this, I suppose you let your guard down a bit and take your foot of the gas and then the relief is this utter fatigue.

I spent most of the time, last treatments, at home and so worked around these by getting up late or cat napping or working when it suited me. Having a more 9 to 5 job really knocks it out of me.

2 Years to the day (and almost the hour!)

Since I got the first real and massively visible signs that something was far from right.

I remember thinking to myself that it had to be more than having strained myself or "done myself a mischief!"

I'd arrived at a Hotel after a 4 hour drive and went early as it was the World Cup football and as we were playing I managed to drive on almost empty roads. I had stopped and there hadn't been a problem at the roadside services.

I got into my bedroom and went to the toilet and urinated what can only be called Red Wine. It didn't stop there either and for the rest of the day I carried on and the day after - I decided enough was enough and phoned home and got a Doctor's appointment. In hindsight, walking into town and buying a pack of cigars and smoking wasn't the best idea I have ever had but it calmed things down considerably.

Of course, once I knew what it was and that it was smoking related - you can bet that I haven't touched a cigar since. Although the other day I looked at one in the pub and thought, do you know what? But I know a LOT better than that.

So two years. Amazing - it does and doesn't seem that long. I can calculate that it is though.

Like flicking a switch

I've noticed that I am having some really good days and then some very poor ones in terms of fatigue. Today - I was falling asleep at the desk and came home early. Yesterday, I was going like a train all day long and well in to the evening - a long story but had to hang around waiting to get home...

I feel wiped out today. I shall get to bed early and see what tomorrow brings.

The deed is done

I signed up for the Degree course. Whether I'll get in or not depends. If I do I'll start foundation in October towards a BA (Hons) History. I've always fancied doing this and it will give me something to work towards over the next few years.

Wat is great is that where I work are some of the galleries and museums that I will need to visit and they are all withing 15 minutes walk of my office - cool!

I see this setting a target as part of my recovery and part of working on long term things again and getting away from having to set quite short term goals and achievements. It is good to get yourself along with little victories and little steps in the progress to getting well again and whilst I can't say I am out of the woods yet, I can at least see the light above and around me. The dark days are receding quite fast and the brighter days are ahead of me, I find it hard to believe that on Tuesday I would have been at work for 3 months! Where did that go? It feels like 3 weeks!

I'm also beginning to see the results of my labour and so things like the Annual review has been published and the diaries (yes we do do diaries at this time of year - 18 month ones which run from August this year.... These mirror the Masonic season and allow forward planning into the next season too.

I am working on a couple of new things which are keeping me busy including a new brochure for us and one for a Province as well as completing the Exhibition area.

I feel really well and I am beginning to be optimistic about life again. There is always a doubt and how often do you hear that so and so recovered and then it came back again but the 2nd time it killed them? Well I don't want that to happen to me (who does?) and that little black cloud of doubt will probably always be there but, it is controllable now and I am pleased to say that the Black Dog hasn't been around for quite a while too.

What a difference a couple of months make.

Tiredness - Update

If anything, knowing about tiredness and fatigue has helped a bit this week as I have been making sure that I move around a bit more and if I am feeling tired that I actually get up from my desk and move around and have a short walk or do something active. That seems to help.

I'm not doing much else different but also having a long chat on Thursday night helped too. My Hypnotherapist friend has a way of explaining stuff that puts this into context.

Next week to look forward too and I imagine not having the prospect of having a catheter inserted in me tomorrow and being sore for the remainder of the week are also something to look forward to and make me feel a lot better.

Come on Cousin

Starts Chemo on Monday and certainly hope that it does the trick and gets things in a position where they can control and sort it out.

Not a nice thing at all. As usual, young, fit and non smoker! Actually in this particular cancer it isn't smoking related.

Positive Mental Attitude, can do approach are the best tools to get through this.

Hypno

Met up with R this evening and discussed Hypnotherapy and what it had done for me. I was surprised how much R understood about my condition and some of the intimate problems that arise when you have a disease like this.

It was a revelation as I didn't think anyone - apart from fellow sufferers knew about some of the serious brain screwing that happens with living with the "big C".

I need to go away and think about what we talked about now - seriously worrying stuff to deal with still I think.

Hot Flushes

Don't really need them with the weather like it is today and I had to go in to work with suit and tie - AGM! It was a good day, I got lots done, I received my Annual Reviews and Diaries and they look great even though I say so myself.

Getting ready for a rather special visit in a few weeks and so I am rushing around and getting hings sorted in the exhibition area.

I have also been trusted with some of the film archive which I am transferring to DVD. It is great fun still and work is brilliant. Our new fund-raising site has gone live and some other initiatives are coming on line soon too.

Despite the worst of the treatments, I actually feel a lot better than the previous two - probably because I had my mind taken off them!

A little better than I thought it was going to be

I am pleased that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it looked it was going to be. The first 3 or 4 inch lump that fell out of me was frightening enough and the blood was bad but today it has been quite manageable. I've had quite a few bits drop out of me but not with the accompanying blood and gore thank goodness.

Even after all this time it is still so "unnatural" seeing things emerge from where they just shouldn't.....

Anyway, all in a good cause.

This afternoon I took myself on a walk. I had to pick up some badges that work had commissioned and they were local so I had a mile and a bit walk and then caught the bus home (doesn't anybody queue anymore or give up their seats - I did and I did!). Ended up in the Village Pub for a beer (as you do) and that was a nice end to the afternoon.

I shall now go downstairs, pick up a beer and watch Wimbledon.

Not Great

Possibly the goriest one I have had. Not wanting to sleep at the moment but must try - having to keep getting up and going to the toilet a lot and the results just aren't nice :-( Well I suppose they aren't meant to be. Surely the worst in terms of this I have ever had. I wouldn't be surprised if whole organs dropped out of me :-)

No really though, massive pieces dropping out and plenty of blood too - uncomfortable and I am still awake. I am going to try and get to bed soon and see if I can sleep this little lot off. It is unusual for me to be about at this time of night on the first day of treatment.

Speaking of which the treatment was delayed by an hour so that might also account for it.

Well here I go

The 3rd of the 3 treatments coming up. It is normally the one that gives me a bit of a "kick in" and one that I'm actually pleased to be getting out of the way. Once this is over, just another 3 of these and an operation and perhaps, just perhaps, I can begin to believe that it has gone and I can get on with life.

I'm sort of ready for today and as usual, I am nowhere near as organised as things have fallen into place, my routine is pretty much set up and I am not clock watching quite as much.

It will soon be time to go and get showered and ready for the treatment and get myself prepared for the bravado and kidology that the Nurse and I use to make it bearable for both of us I guess? There is definitely an attitude to be taken towards this sort of thing and that is how I have positioned it and how my friend R worked with me on the Hypnotherapy so that all these things were there to make me better. Sometimes when they are inserting things into places you don't want to know about it is difficult to remember that if they hadn't done that, you'd more than likely be dead by now. 50 or more years ago I bet things weren't so good on the outlook front and 100 years ago - well I'd very probably be dead by now!

Thank goodness I live in such times and where progress is still being made and treatments are becoming more effective and less invasive.

The Fatigue Question

I found out today that the fatigue thing is pretty common and no matter how much rest you get it doesn't go away. Well I feel relatively healthy and very much better in terms of well being and my head is pretty much straight these days. I reckon if I can get rid of the fatigue piece by the end of the year and if I get the all clear then too, I should be able to get on with my life a bit better and perhaps try and plan out some other things to do. I am keen to do this Batchelor of Arts in History and the term starts in October so maybe, just maybe, I'll go for that. Perhaps that will give me something to concentrate on and make me sort out yy time more effectively. Maybe it will help get rid of the fatigue?

It takes some time I find to work out now what has happened, what will happen and take stock of the past few years of problems for it was about 2 years ago that the very first minute traces of blood were discovered and what is really spooky is that I will be at a Lodge meeting that I missed at that time on the day that I was first presented with the Symptoms - 2nd July.

The ups and downs have been profound and I now have to deal with spending more time in detailed analysis of that as I am sure I will reflect on what I have gone through quite differently now that it has been so long since I have been clear of the disease. Most probably this time last year when I was having the 2nd lot of full treatment was in fact the time that the caner went away.

I found out today that someone else I know has Cancer and that is sad. I need to talk or write soon to help if can. The person I knew who went for tests on Thursday was a negative and was sorted out on the spot which is a great relief as was another friend a few weeks back.

Someone at work asked me why I was always happy and smiling and I said that I would have to let them know later. Only a few people know at work and whilst I don't make a thing of it - they do know that I am having some sort of treatment and a few know what it is! Not trying to be a "man of mystery" just trying to work out how to tell my colleagues why I am like I am and not making it sound like some sort of super hero stuff, man on a mission or a guilt trip (I hope it isn't that).

I still reckon it is one of the best jobs I have ever done, I really enjoy it, I get so much satisfaction from it and obviously it must reflect in the way that I carry myself at work as most people notice that I am always up and always willing to help and assist or do anything at all. I also want to make them feel good about the job they do, some of the thank you letters we get from the children, now grown up or pleased with their results etc are all the reward you could ever need I think. The team do a great job, third sector work is notoriously underpaid but ensuring my colleagues know what a great job they do is alos, I believe, part of my job too. They are great.

Very Nice Curry

It was a very nice curry indeed, plus good company and whilst we ate later than normal it wasn't too bad. There was a bit of confusion around the starter we just said give us a mixed load of starters for the 12 of us and we all got something similar - it didn't detract - just made for a good laugh and the food was very good and so it mattered not.

I have to dash off in a minute to fix someones PC (Yes I know). The trouble is it is driving them to distraction and they cannot work out what they have done. I think I know and it is a few minutes work so I can probably fix that and get back in an hour (famous last words).

I am remarkably awake considering we didn't get back until 12:30 last night!

TGIF - and Curry

Yes Friday and not a moment too soon. I brought back the old pictures to have them framed and the old videos to transfer them onto DVD so I'll have something to do on Monday and Tuesday -my last treatment of this session.

The GP wants my Blood Pressure readings and a Blood Test - luckily not right away as I just haven't got the time and I'm not certain that the current treatment is actually going to give them the sort of results they were after either so a small wait may assist.

Tonight we are mob handed - about 12 of us and we are going out for a curry which will be a nice change. I was out on business last night and grabbed a half a beer and a sandwich at the railway station and then had the journey from hell home!

Anyway, I am tired but not too bad, got off early to deliver the pictures to be framed and can now successfully log on to work from here so all is going well.

I had a review at work yesterday and so far we appear to be getting along fine and I'm doing the job they want me to do which is also very pleasing. I'm taking on more as well which is also not hurting my cause.

Well tiredness must be a side effect

Although I took more time this time to recover and so don't feel quite a tired as perhaps I could have done. I am still taking myself off to bed early to make sure that I recover as quickly as possible.

It was a good, although long day at work today and I think that I managed to catch up with my two days missing work this time. Lots more to do but I need to get a plan out of these people to sort it.

All hell will break loose soon as the annual reviews, diaries and brochures all start to happen about now. I need to agree some holiday dates with them.

Urinating for England

I wanted to make sure that all was well and made sure to drink much more liquid this week to rinse through and it seemed to work. At peak I was visiting the toilet every 30 minutes earlier. Another good reason not to have to travel by public transport the day after treatment - not that I could have done though.

Again I spent an interesting afternoon sitting down and doing my thinking work for the week. Back to work tomorrow for some interesting "discussions" around working with some colleagues. I imagine that the politics of the situation will come into play somewhere along the line - I love watching the dynamics of all this stuff. Not sure if I need it first day back though....

Worse but still not too bad

This one was a little worse in terms of reactions and debris but still manageable. I didn't get the cramps this time but have a sore back and waist/stomach area today - not surprising really considering quite how nasty this stuff is.

It was quite funny last night as I fancied watching the football but knew that if I had sat downstairs I would have made myself feel bad so I used the laptop and watched it on the Internet.

I am going to take it easy for the rest of the day and get back to work tomorrow - I have a list as long as my arm of things that have accumulated in just a day! Back to work tomorrow - I can't see that there will be much to stop me from doing that thankfully. It does seem strange that I am not getting the massive reactions I got to this last time but perhaps I am taking things that much easier - last time I was stupidly still trying to work through it.

Treatment 2

Over halfway through after this one - in fact 2/3rds of the way through this lot and only next week to go. I'm bracing myself for a 'bad one' just in case. I hope that the jack hammers wont be starting up tomorrow morning either.

I think that I would have "bought" this if I'd have been told that I may be cured in 2 1/2 years. That would be a lot quicker than I was planning - I was expecting 12 based on some of the old regimes I have heard about, 8 years was another one.

That is pretty impressive when you come to think about it that less than 2 years ago treatment would have meant years of BCGs and now they have sufficient data to say that the maintenance is only 2 lots if clear. Stunning.

The routine will kick off again in an hour or so and I'll be back to clock watching again. I might get "done" earlier as they said just turn up and we will do you in turn. So I could get there early and be back early too. I hope so.

I do feel completely different about this set of treatments - perhaps knowing that it is so effective and that it may well be my last lot, I can start to be quietly confident that things are going in the right direction. This time last year I was on full treatment (6 weeks worth) to make sure as there was some precancerous stuff in the tests. Now, I am clear - i makes a big difference and your confidence and your outlook and attitude change accordingly. I suppose no matter how much spin you put on your attitude, when you actually have cancer to when you don't are two very different things and you react accordingly.

Must go.

Father's Day

I wore the Tee Shirt they bought me a year back - which was rather touching - it says "A Dad is for life, not just for Father's Day!"

Little things matter often more than others, a small gesture or a few words said go a long way.

Tomorrow is Treatment 2 and I will get to the Hospital a little earlier as they do us in order after we have checked in at the desk. That way I can get it over with quicker. You can never second guess the reaction you are going to get so I hope for good things and we will see how it goes.

Work are very good and I now have the remote working software - if only I could get it to work. I will talk to the IT guys tomorrow and see if I can get that to happen.

I am enjoying my job so much that I need to work on balancing things out a bit. I still cannot get over just how tired it makes me every week and it will be good to have treatment and operations behind me in 2009 and rebuild my strength. I suffer from fatigue more than I let on but I tend to get a lot of sleep over the weekends and I don't do much - I fell asleep in the comfy chair at least three times this afternoon! Of course, I am wide awake now that I ought to be going to bed :-)

Surprised

I probably haven't driven my car for over a month if not longer! So stepping back in was fun yesterday as I altered the seat, mirrors and steering wheel etc. As I turned out of the drive and changed gear I got cramp in my leg - I guess I just haven't used that particular muscle set in that particular combination. I drove us to the wedding reception (very nice) and C drove us back again. Luckily it isn't too far to go.

We met up with some friends and with someone I haven't seen for years who hadn't seen me since before my bladder caner problems so it was an interesting conversation. She was glad that all was OK - me too of course, me too....

An interesting evening all round - the dynamics were interesting.

A bit better

This always happens during treatment - you just get back to normal and the next treatment comes along and smacks you back down again.

We are off to a wedding this afternoon - or the reception for one. It was abut 25 years ago we went to her first one :-) mind you I am still yawning so I might get there and fall asleep.

Apart from the tiredness, I am feeling remarkably well and enjoying just about everything at the moment. Work is great, it is coming up to summer proper and I can really see the things that I am doing making a difference now.

Tiredness and another early night

I can only imagine that the treatment has knocked a lot more out of me than I let on or than I realised before. Today was a lucky one as I had to get away early from work to sort out some frames for pictures for our exhibition and the chap I needed to see wasn't there yesterday. Anyway, that appears to be a good move as the price is a lot cheaper.

I'm off to bed in a minute and I hope to have a bit of a lie in. We have a wedding to go to tomorrow and so I had better be cheerful and chipper for that!

I will get to drive the car for the first time in weeks too! Crikey I had forgotten that, I walk and take the train everywhere these days and working in London don't take the car at all.

Tired still?

I'll say - I even left early today to go and get some quotes for the pictures at the exhibition to be framed and got home and promptly fell asleep again.

I do tend to feel that the treatment I had last time occurred when I worked at home most of the time - I know there were the odd day here and there where it didn't.

So I can only deduce that the treatment makes you tired and that as I hadn't been up and about and working at the rate that I do now, which makes you more tired, it just makes the side effect that much more noticeable.

Tired

I am pretty tired. I did a full day's work and feel pretty tired and need to get off to bed now. It is surprising how much it takes out of you that you don' realise.

I got home and was boiling hot - another side effect you do get the odd hot flush when you least expect it and then had a meal and promptly fell asleep in the chair. I have come upstairs to sort out my e-mail and do this blog and then go to bed :-)

I have some minor throbbing pain but OK otherwise. No debris or bits so that was good.

It is always a surprise

When lumps of blood or debris come flying out when you go to the toilet. Nothing had happened for 24 hours and yet lat this afternoon I got a small fallout. Nothing since just the one lot.

Actually - the strange thing is that generally the side effects get worse but the debris is getting less. I am guessing that the stuff that was coming out before was the cancerous bits and now it is just the last remnants of the work that needed to be done.

I am very pleased that I wont have to do this for years on end. Very pleased indeed. I had resigned myself to having to go through this sort of thing for 3 to 8 years. This is indeed a time when less is more.

Just Great!!

The Jack Hammers / Pneumatic Hammers started at 8 this morning. When they weren't going the people a little further down are having trees removed and so there is a chipping machine also going full blast.

So a lie in this morning wasn't possible. Actually - I feel pretty good compared to normal this was a 4 on the Richter scale that is BCG side effects. Although, having said that it was for a very short time very painful indeed and my middle now aches and so I won't stay hunched up over my PC for the rest of the day that is for sure.

I had a series of cramps and joint pains last night but not enough to be a serious attack just a niggling set of slow cramps that didn't need rubbing. I got plenty of rest yesterday and overnight and so I am pretty pleased that I am OK this morning.

Only 2 more to go this session and 5 more in total. It sounds like the count down to a launch 5 - 4 - 3 - 2- 1 - Blast Off (or Thunderbirds are GO! - if you remember back that far?).

As my Urology Nurse said yesterday - "See, I told you you'd be glad to see me again, despite what I do to you". Jokes aside, both nurses are absolutely great and considering the job they have to do are great. Not sure if I could be a Urology Nurse considering what you are dealing with every day?

Just slowly getting ready

Had my shower, got the note book and pain killers by my bed. The Bleach and bits are in the bathroom and I'll need to take my book in there as well as I will spend some time in there later just letting things happen.

I am not nervous about this time and neither am I looking forward to it. I am pretty neutral - I thought that I'd be upbeat - which I suppose I am really given what I am going to have done, looking forward to it isn't exactly the top of most people's lists.

I got a lot done earlier. I hope I can do a bit more soon before we go off to the Hospital.

Keeping busy

This morning I am keeping busy and getting ready will begin at 11:30 when I take an early lunch and then at 12:15 stop drinking - 2 hours needed to ensure that the BCG isn't overly diluted.

I need to get all my bits together - note book, pain killers, anti-inflammatories, bleach tablets and anti bacterial wipes, etc.

It is a lovely day today as well but I will be stuck inside this afternoon resting up. At least the next door pneumatic hammer gang haven't arrived - we were expecting them. Knowing my luck it will be tomorrow when I need a lie in!!

Well the Treatment looms

Tomorrow I'll be back on it for the first of three for this session, 9 weeks off and the next 3 and who knows, with any luck after December, perhaps I can be signed off and not have the treatment after that.

Of course, bladder cancer is a bit naughty and can come back even after quite a while and so I need to make sure I keep well, keep observant and be on my guard.

I need to get back into routine and also to get back into the mentality of this comes first. I know that I want to go back to work on the Wednesday morning but I have to be alright on the Tuesday to do so.

I will be getting back to my routine tomorrow and need to remember the eat and drink early and to get everything set up for the treatment and after effects themselves.

It was a year ago that I was on the 6 treatments which started a year ago last week (as I recall). I then went to Wales and all over the place on the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of that week. A year ago since I started with the company who were launching their wonder product a few week later! They just relaunched it again. That sort of says something about how things are going.

I suppose one thing I am glad about is that with all that trouble, I had a nagging feeling that I'd affect my recovery. Happily that hasn't happened and my real recovery is going to be through giving this lot of treatment every chance of success again and getting past that winning post of being clear for more than a year. It would be the launch to the new year that I'd be looking for and would turn around a pretty awful few years for me.

A good day tinged with a little sadness

It was a good day and the meeting went really well and apart from a couple of minor problems a good time was had by all.

The sad news was that one of our number who is fighting esophagus cancer is losing his fight and that is so sad as until recently all the signs were good. There really isn't a lot to do about it either. Rather than all of us contacting him, one person becomes our collective voice and it is inevitable what the outcome will be and in not a great deal of time either.

He is very straightforward about it and is facing up to it well, his daughter who, ironically, is one of the world's top specialists in this area, is flying back from the US to see him soon.

There were good signs yesterday that my mental dexterity is back as I was able to fire off some very good one-liners at the meal after the meeting and keep the troops entertained. When asked about my successor (who doesn't quite get it right all the time) taking over next year as being "natural succession" - Not in the way that Darwin may have written about - no but rather it was his turn. Thank goodness for that I thought I was going to have long term brain slowness after the operation.

The Week

Shot past. I am on a mission tonight to get all the work I need to get done for tomorrow ready.

I envisage that I will be up for at least another 4 or 5 hours getting it sorted out.

Then I have to be there at about 9 tomorrow to make sure everything goes to plan.

At least this is my last big event this year - a few smaller ones to come in July but this one is massive and needs my attention so the weekend will be busy.

Treatment starts on Monday and I hope that I can be fit enough to return to work on the Wednesday morning. We will see I suppose.

Blimey

Another busy day and finally I got to turn up at work in my Masonic Suit and the cat was out of the bag. I got my exhibition pictures mounted today which was great and managed to thrash through a load of tasks and get things finished.

As for health - well I have stopped bleeding but I'm not quite right - I think that my body is putting the plumbing back where it should be. Of course, I'll just get to be fine and they'll knock ten bells out of me next week.

Today already

I went off to my Jazz night and I have been going for 20 years and one month now! Met up with some lovely people and of course, this time last month I was recovering!

Great news, well received. Good day at work - it went really well and I was involved and useful.

Big day later - today actually - a meeting in London. It is almost the end of the Masonic season and it is so busy. A meeting later then Friday another and Saturday my biggest meeting of the year!

I need to prepare for that so I will probably miss the Friday meeting to allow me time to prepare.

It will be my last year as Secretary starting Saturday - I will miss it especially as the last 2 years I really haven't been well enough to go out on all the visits I should have.

A really good day today

Apart from some more blood - not much - enough to take notice though. Thank goodness I wasn't on treatment this week!

Anyway, the day was good as I got so much done yesterday and today - mainly because I had stuff prepared and I am getting used to it these days. At least they are happy with me - they still don't know how I can do things so fast though :-)

Staff meeting tomorrow so an opportunity to move things on again.

I really like this job - it just keep presenting challenges and is so varied.

Buzz

What a day - it is late evening and I have just got in. I did so much work this today it made my head buzz and we had an enjoyable evening meeting in London. We even got home at a decent time. Often, at this meeting, I have been home at 2 in the morning!!!

I should be OK for work as I was careful what I drank tonight - there was as much wine as you wanted but that is very dangerous of course....

The rest of the week is as nightmarish as this - I think it is only tomorrow that I have a free day...

Phew - that made me tired

I fixed the roof yesterday - the lower one as I had some people in to do the upper one. Spent a day cutting wood, ripping down the old one, repairing the rot etc. Absolutely wiped me out and I can feel various sections of my body aching. It probably also started off the passing of a load of debris again! That has stopped now as well.

I suppose it is a good thing I am not having treatment starting tomorrow. It is the beginning of a busy week as I have relatives coming over today, passing through and it is the music festival, I am out tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (possibly) I have my big meeting next Saturday and on the Monday after that treatment starts...

At least during the treatment I'll be taking things a lot easier.

Over Analysing

That can be a problem. Trying to find answers to things that may not need answers, trying to understand what you are going through. I know some people who just get on with everything and act as if nothing is there or happened and take it all as it comes.

Me - I like to try and work out what it is and why I am feeling a particular way and often why I should then be doing contrary to what I think I should be feeling. That's me - I think too much :-)

I thought the last couple of posts were interesting as they are the beginning of a change in me. I met someone Thursday and I said to them I was enjoying my job and they said "you can see that" and I do, it is a great job. I can see that light at the end of the Tunnel and I can feel myself changing and becoming more positive and more optimistic - it is most probably relief. Relief that the end is in sight, that this chapter is drawing to a close, that I am building the foundations of a career where I make a difference. Every time I do something, I am helping someone. Great feeling to be useful and valuable and to have that valued.

So - two things then, relief that the end is in sight, delight that the career, what I do most days is way beyond expectations and that all of that in turn is leading to a new beginning (in a way). The last two posts? Well perhaps you have to say goodbye to the "old you" and give it a good send off, have a wake and move on? I can't change what happened but I can get it off my mind, stop worrying about it as it is, after all history, and move on confidently to face the challenges, surprises and opportunities of the future.

Post Traumatic Stress and shock

I never gave myself an opportunity to grieve (if that is the right word) over the diagnosis of having cancer - I didn't lose a bit of my body but I took an almighty blow to my self confidence and I found out I was mortal. I realised I had probably been the architect of my own downfall and had reaped what I had sowed but I determined to do whatever I needed to do to combat and win against this.

Humour and self deception have got me through - let's face it, how can you see the positives in getting some of the treatments which really should shock you. You make a positive spin on it and of course that is the right thing to do. You know, like I only have six more treatments and one operation left to go and if clear then I can be in remission or whatever.

The previous post is all about the knowledge that he light is at the end of the tunnel. That I can see an end to this now, that I have to put up with this next lot of treatment, that perhaps I'll get some of my life back and that I may actually get over this fatigue and tiredness that claws away at me.

So I feel that the release I seek is more a case of actually having the emotions that perhaps I should have had 2 years ago and getting the whole thing off my chest. The release is just that, having lived with this for so long, to be able soon to say it has gone and I don't have it anymore or perhaps it is no longer a threat or perhaps that I can put it behind me and not think about it every day are the emotions I am going through now.

It will be a release and it is the release that I struggle with. There have been so many positives, it hardly seems possible that there is a down side but there must be, it IS a worry no matter what you say. You do fear for yourself and those around you. You do realise that you are mortal and you do have to come to terms with that as well and many of these things are presented to me when I am far too young to have expected to deal with them.

Anyway, whilst I still feel that there needs to be some sort of release of emotion somewhere, I still have no idea how it will manifest itself. I am beginning to enjoy life again although stamina is the one thing I could do with - I was out three or fours times this week and I feel it.

Survivor syndrome - perhaps - more delayed shock I feel, as if walking away from a huge wreck and wondering how on earth did I get out of that?

Strange thing - a growing feeling

I really just want to go and have a really good cry somewhere and let it all out. I have been feeling this for a long time and I am thinking it is a release of some sort, I just want to get id of all the stuff that has built up and let it go and move on.

I think I have done it professionally - although I have a morbid interest in seeing my previous lot get fried at some time in the future.

This feeling though is different. I'm not a particularly emotional sort - my profile confirms that I am bit clinical and a bit of an "ice man" but right now, and for a few weeks, I feel the need for a complete release. The trouble is that I think it is going to be like a dam bursting and that I am going to completely crack up.

I don't particularly want to do this alone but I don't know who I should inflict it on either if you get my meaning? It is the most peculiar feeling - it is something that I can feel and am controlling. It is brimming under the surface but at the moment it gets to no more than a wet eye as I think about it.

Part of the healing process? Massive relief? Whatever it is, it needs to get out. I just need to understand what it is and to let it release without damaging me or those around me.

A Late one again

Not used to this getting late trains and getting home at 10 in the evening even if it is work related - absolutely knackered. Last 's fright with the debris hasn't recurred although there were some "bits" that fell out, at least I didn't get the "port" with them :-(

Thanks goodness that the BCG isn't until Monday week. Well I need to get to bed - I had an interesting late meeting and then bumped into some old and then some new friends!!!

Oh Sh1t

I have had a great day at work and I was feeling a bi strange on the way home but got here and had a nice dinner and then my Nephew phoned and we went for a beer, which was nice. We beat USA at Soccer (we call it Football) and had a nice laugh a few serious bits and all that - so I went to the toilet and I am peeing lumps and scarlet! Twice. I haven't checked yet - I have just got home and taken a glass of water and a tablet.

I will check later and hopefully it will just be the odd scab dropping off.

I have my appointment to start BC - 9th June which is later than I thought but fits in better with everything else.

Now to tell myself that it is only 6 of these BCGs to go. I was originally expecting at least 12 so I can use some reverse Psychology here somehow - maybe :-)

The Days Flash By

These days - I can hardly believe that I've been to work today I was really hard at it all day and the poor old boss can't keep up. I've suggested that we sit down for 30 minutes and take stock tomorrow. That way I can get my next set of objectives and get cracking on those. I have an inter charity meeting tomorrow which I am going to enjoy.

They must be getting used to me as well as we had a bit of a laugh today about"my jewels" - I look after some medals - called jewels and said that "the light had gone out on my jewels" meaning the display light - they obviously took it to a different meaning altogether which was funny.

Anyway - happy as Larry as they say.

Miserable Day

It is wet and windy and quite horrible outside. I'm sort of OK this morning - I had some more debris drop out of me overnight which was a little larger than I expected but it isn't anywhere near like Saturday's episodes - they were quite frightening.

I am getting on with the odds and ends I need to here to clear my desk. I realise that if I am going to be on treatment that it will knock me about and I will loose 2 days a week again - only for 3 weeks but I will need to be super clever with my timing as I have a number of things to accomplish.

Something I need to get used to at work. I completed those preliminary documents before I went into Hospital and no one has had the opportunity to read them yet!

Debris and fall out

Today was a strange day really as there was still the odd spot of debris followed by nothing then a load of debris and nothing and so on. I guess that this is just the scabs there is very little blood this time so just all the last bits dropping out.

I'm not as worried about this as I am getting used to the possibility that this is what is going to happen for a day of two whilst the final remnants of the scabs work their way out.

I am hoping that tomorrow I will get to sit down at my desk and do the work that I should have done yesterday and today. At least I won't have the excuse of having the motor racing and the golf stopping me!

Next weekend it is the local music festival which I hope to get along to at least one of the bands playing. I may well then be on Treatment - I wait to hear this week about that. At least if I am that ill get that out of the way and I can sort out holidays with the family.

Overnight OK

Apart from being up every 2 hours going to the toilet with the sheer amount of liquid I drank.

All is clear and has been since last night! Phew, worrying even though I knew what it was. Today is again going to be an easy day as I will just relax and take it easy. I have a stack of things to do but being hunched over my desk isn't going to make things right today.

It is really quite scary and alarming seeing blood and bits escaping your body but it is over again now. I tend to be OK with it when I know it is going to happen - post operative, post treatment but when it is out of the blue (so to speak) it is very alarming and very upsetting.

That will do for now. Have calmed down a bit and will rest up for the remainder of the day - thank goodness it didn't happen at work or last weekend.

Got worse before it got better

Yuk, it was pretty bad the next time I went to the toilet and even though I guessed what was going on i was still disturbing and it actually made me feel ill and almost sick - I think that is just a natural reaction to the unnatural situation that it actually is.

The time after things had settled down and it was mainly debris that fell out and wasn't too bad and just a few minutes ago it was hardly noticeable. I have been drinking a lot of water and just sitting down which is the best thing to do. Off to bed now for some more rest and hopefully that will allow things to settle down.

I was on a call with a friend earlier and he invited e out n Monday week to a meeting and suddenly I realised (after saying yes) that I may not be able to go as I could be on treatment by ten! I hope to find that out next week.

Anyway, feeling OK now but these things are quite a shock and stark reminder of what it used to be like.

Blood

I wasn't expecting that as I haven't been overdoing it - well maybe lifted a box yesterday but that was in the morning and it is early afternoon and I've been to the toilet a number of times today and this last one was a bit grim - although not dark blood (a little goes a long way).

So I am slightly disturbed by that and just taking it easy - I need to make sure that I am getting sufficient liquid through me but take it easy as well. I am not as worried about it as last time as I actually got the letter and the confirmation that all is OK so this is most probably the scabs coming off from the biopsies.

No matter what - it still the most unnatural thing you can imagine and even if you know that it is to do with the recovery it is still something that must be pre-programmed into out brains.

I watched the qualifying from Monaco and I am now watching the support race. Unfortunately I am not there this year!

Splat

I am so tired I can hardly believe it. Bed beckons - I have a pile of post to catch up on. But for now - sleep is the order of the day!