Distrubed Nights and Stange Days

I had a bit of a strop on today at work.  I should know better than to realise that everyone wants to get involved in my little project and the boss had to have loads of paperwork off me that I hadn't even prepared yet.  I just can't see what the purpose of asking me to do something and then taking it off me has to do with being productive. 

So my retaliation is to take the rest of the week off after tomorrow lunchtime.  If they want to get involved then they may as well get fully involved in it.  So I was pretty much seething today.  The girls made a telling statement today, they suggested that I "wasn't going to be around long and was withdrawing myself from the organisation (and them)".  That is pretty much it I think.  I really am struggling to keep engaged in the work as everyone pokes their bloody noses into what I do.

As for disturbed nights - I suppose hearing about my colleague's problems with his daughter being attacked at Uni disturbed my sleep and I imagine thinking about work didn't help either.  I woke loads of times during the night and that has affected me a lot to day as well.  I am off to bed early to see if I can catch up.

Other than that, I am hoping to sort out my priorities in the next week or two.  I didn't want to have the job go sour on me but I'm not making the difference any-more, that has already happened.  Perhaps someone else needs to do that.

Burns night

Well almost all day and all night!  2 am I got in and we started drinking about 1:30 pm.  We had  a great day and obviously a brilliant evening too.  The Scots lads were down but not in force as the recession has seriously affected business there.  As I left one of them stole my tie - I doubt he can wear it outside of Kent though :-)

I was a bit slow this morning for sure.  I've been struggling with some accounts and I started to transfer them to a new set of accounting sheets but found that the transfer threw out all my figures.  I have had to keep the old ones for now but will use the new ones this financial year.  Typical thing though, they asked me to use them but none of the calculations on the sheets work.

Another full on week this week coming and trying to sort out time with my team is proving to be a distinct nightmare.

I was asked how I was by lots of people I haven't seen for a while.  Nice to hear "Your'e looking really well" etc.  Long may that continue.

I have just ordered the DVD of this film Tony a London Serial Killer Why?  Well it is my 6th cousin once removed in the starring role and another cousin directed it.  My brother's name is Tony so the family secret is out.  It looks to be an interesting film if not quite my thing.

All day stuffing envelopes

Only this lot and one more to go and I'll have done my 6 years of being Secretary of the Lodge and Flocky can take over.  It's OK but this one is particularly heavy as it has individual subscription requests that need to go in the right envelope.  It used to be worse as everyone used to be sent stuff by post but about half now get emailed versions which takes me about 15 minutes to prepare and send.  If only I could get everyone to agree it would be brilliant.

I only realised quite recently that I took on the job shortly before I got ill.   I'm quite impressed with myself now realising that I carried on throughout although, on more than one occasion had to miss visiting some other Lodges due to treatments or hospital visits.  

I need to get them all out tomorrow or by the latest Sunday.  In addition I have been asked to sort out the accounts by next weekend.  That was OK until I realised that the spreadsheets they gave me aren't linked which means a bit more time and effort to sort out.  I wouldn't mind but my originals were fine ( I thought) now they have to be messed about to get them into someone else's style.

I'm out tomorrow to a Burns Night preceded by a Lodge Night.  The lads come down from Scotland bringing a rather tasty Haggis with them.  The trouble is that it is a boozy night and I can get back late.  Additionally we leave at lunch time tomorrow and I guess we will get back around 2 in the morning!!  Mind you it is a good evening.

An evening with ... Colin Blunstone

How bizarre an evening was that?  The lads called off the drinks evening and I was expecting a quiet night in when one of my mates phoned me up and suggested we see if we could get into a gig that was happening locally.

We got there and lo and behold it was Colin Blunstone (Zombies, Argent, Alan Parsons Project etc) and his new band and it was just brilliant - up close and personal.  A small intimate set perhaps 70 to 100 of us at most.  I really enjoyed it too.  At the end he played one of my all time favourites which I am not allowed to have at my funeral even though I want it.  I know - morbid but I thought like that a long time ago.

I listened to this leading up to my first operation and it still moves me and tonight I didn't get all sentimental at all, just enjoyed it for what it is - one of the great songs from one of the most productive periods in modern music history.  Not to mention the other hits they did.  However - this one is so haunting and just summed up lots of how I felt 3 and a half years ago.  

I can be a silly bugger sometimes :-)

Flocky and the toast that nearly choked me

You should not laugh at the afflicted - let's get that straight right here and now.  I therefore apologise unreservedly for doing so on this occasion.  No offence was meant by it at all.

We were at a Lodge meeting enjoying the meal and there are a series of toasts that go on after the meal.  One, to the Provincial Grand Master, is a particularly special one.  The Worshipful Master of our Lodge has a few problems pronouncing long and seemingly complicated words and can never say my name properly and also has a lisp on the letter "R" which come out as a "W".

So the PGM is called Roger.  He gets everyone to stand up and drink a toast to "Woger" and from behind me I hear in a stage whisper from young Flocky Bicep "Two Woger!"

If, like me, you enjoyed Monty Python's Life of Brian, you can probably imagine the problem I was confronted with.  I already had wine in my mouth when I heard the Word "Woger" and I was struggling to make sure that I didn't spray red wine over the chap opposite me.  I looked left and my neighbour gave me a sheepish grin and I lost complete control.  Tears streamed down my face, I was gagging trying not to burst out laughing and had to stuff a napkin in my mouth to stop myself yelling out loud and going into complete hysterics.  I almost had to go out of the room it was so funny.  The trouble is with a fit of the giggles that anything that follows sets you up so the next announcement was to the "wisitors".  The harder I tried not to laugh the worse it got.

I was in such a mess I can't tell you but I don't think I have laughed so much for years.  It really hurt my ribs and every time I looked at my mates it just got worse.

So thanks Flocky for that - I haven't laughed so much for years and years.  

Carry your baggage

We went out yesterday to meet an old friend and had a great meal too.  Flocky and I got stuck in to some good nose bag and then the talk turned to experiences and the like.  All three of us have had "our troubles" and our experiences are useful knowledge for other people. 

It opened up the little portal into my mind once again last night and I'm just really pleased to be where I am but still get the survivor's syndrome - "why me?" 

I cannot get motivated today.  I need to get on and do some work but I just don't seem to get tucked in and do it.  It looks as if I will need Friday off to catch up with all the stuff I've got to do.

SO even now, 3 1/2 years or more after this all began I still find that I'm affected.  My mind and body aren't as fit and ready as I want them to be and my "will" which probably got me through this episode just seems to be taking a vacation at the moment.  Maybe the problems I give myself these days just aren't as challenging as fighting cancer.  That probably nails what I have been trying to say above...

Oh well here goes nothing

Work tomorrow and then a Lodge meeting preceded by a few glasses of wine.  Tuesday off to London to pick up the Treasurer's data from the outgoing treasurer.  Talking of which my last two years accounts need to be transferred to a new standard accounting style.  I think I can do that and then get them checked.  In the interim I am trying to schedule my time for the next 5 months!!!  

5 months to try and sort out a go to market strategy for our venture and fit that in around what can only be described as a crazy schedule of work, Lodge and new venture things.  I am out again for most of this week and it doesn't get any less hectic for about three weeks.  It looks to calm down for a few weeks and then goes silly again.  I really didn't realise that I had taken on so much this year.  

I have to tell the boss tomorrow what sort of schedule I think I am going to be on for the next month or so.   Not sure if they are going to buy it yet.  However, let's see.

Well - what going forward looks like

I thought I would be really wound up and ready to take on the world after agreeing last week that I was going to head up and get our project moving.  In fact I found myself a little nonplussed to tell the truth.  It struck me as strange but then perhaps I was somewhat surprised that they let me do this and was still a little in shock too.

My colleague came over today and we discussed some of the areas around what we need to do and discussed going forward.  I think that I will get a good handle on what I have to do to achieve this over the next few weeks.  I need to work out how to carve up my time to be effective at this and at my other work.  That I think I can condense and do in fits and starts as I can really crunch out the work there if I need to as I know the ropes etc.

I will get some sleep early tonight so I can run a full day's effort at this tomorrow.  I think I now need this challenge as without it I would just go native at work and I don't fancy doing that.  I'm back to my old ways agian of being bored in 18 months of my job.  How people can do the same job all their working lives is beyond me.  You don't learn anything or get challenged so what good is it? Probably it just pays the wages and I don't get that either.  I'm a bit strange like that...

It was good to see my mate today and I enjoyed his company.  We give each other a lift and that is important.  We have both lived through some interesting times and both have the same saying or "Well nobody died"!  Generally no one realises this and it just amazes me how many stupid arguments and petty bitching goes on.

Don't I ever stop bitching

I know, it seems to be a habit these days though.   I was staggered to find out that my counterpart was on a big figure more than I thought he would be.  In fact I am amazed considering what he brings to the role.  However, he is a nice guy etc.  I did think to myself that for the past 18 months or more I have been selling myself a little cheap - bu hadn't realised quite how cheap.

I'm not overly worried as I now have the opportunity to go and renegotiate I think.  I have so much work to do this next 5 months that I won't be able to fit it all in.  Saturday will be a defining moment I think.  I will work out what sort of timetable I will need to adopt to do two jobs at once.    Before BC it was easy to work on many projects at one time and to spread myself thinly but get results.  I worry that I may not be as good as that these days.  Time to try it out and see what I can manage.

A big day tomorrow - meeting a Portuguese Journalist about the family history, back home and then out for the big committee meeting to choose the next master of the Lodge.  It will be my last meeting as Secretary and I will be SO pleased to give it up in one way and yet will miss it dearly in another.  I've held the job right through my Bladder Cancer Journey and I'm quite pleased that I did.  The only down side was that I missed a number of visits however I am lucky that I eventually got to go to three Grand Stewards meetings during my time.  Not many can say that.

Better get off to bed I need my strength....

Leaving me cold

Another change that you may or may not have picked up from the blogs is that whilst I still have my Mr. Angry moments and also tell people how I feel quite directly these days, another behaviour has raised itself which I thought was strange.

I had a pretty serious meeting yesterday and tackled some heavy issues and normally when I fix things and get things sorted out I get a real buzz from doing it.  I am all enthusiastic and this time I just felt flat.  I actually feel that it is a defence mechanism of some kind.  It was peculiar earlier on just feeling that flat about something I should have been raving on about.

Mixed Emotions

Not like the sort where you see your Mother-in-Law drive over a cliff - in your new car....

More like the brain ache of working out how to do two jobs at once and get enough momentum into each to make sure you do a good job for them.  Additionally found out how much my peer makes a year and found that a hard pill to take.  It surprised me how much the job paid.  Good for him of course and it make my job all the easier now to negotiate a decent fee.

So today I am sat at home trying to figure out how best to tackle the two jobs at once syndrome.  Luckily my friend is around on Saturday and we can sit down and work that out.  It is a nightmare as I have lacked the discipline to sit down and get on with work for quite some time since I have been ill.  I can do it in short bursts but now need to apply myself to a number of months worth of this sort of thing.  It is a long burn and I have committed to 5 months of my time to make this happen (or not).  Today I am feeling somewhat down about that.  Tomorrow may well be different I expect.

I'm glad to be getting on with something but at the same time I am having just a few issues with the amount of time I need to put in.  It will be hard work - I just hope that I will enjoy it.  At the moment - I don't think I am but it will all change again in the morning.

Funny old mood

I can't say that I am in anything other than a funny old mood at the moment.  Work really sucks at the moment and I'm having trouble working out why I really need to be there at all.  People are still great but in reality - I just can't see myself lasting out there for much longer.  Maybe I don't need to.  

Tomorrow is a defining meeting in the other world of IT that I inhabit.  If I can get agreement on that, I can head off and do some serious work on getting our service to market.  We have all tried best endeavours but now it needs one or two of us to "step up to the plate" and do something rather than us being a talking shop and just spending our spare time (yea right - what spare time)  trying to do this and do our day jobs too.

If I get the go ahead tomorrow it will mean that I can devote some serious time to this project and that we can see if we can get investment to go forward.

Thinking back to Bertie now that he is dead you know he only really got to enjoy his life in the country in the two or three years before his death.  That is something that I hope doesn't happen to me.  I could do with a bit more than three years....

There's only so much you can take

It was boring and hot at the office and I finally gave in and left about 3:30, got to the station caught a fast train and was home within an hour of leaving.

I am sat here now staring at a load of figures and it still isn't making any sense to me.  I shall have to have anther clean break day and sit down and look at them afresh.

Out tonight, tomorrow night. Wednesday and Friday night too for my sins!  Another full on week and January just seems to have zipped past.

I have an importnat meeting tomorrow which will concentrate on my other business venture and I am hoping that I will be given Carte Blanche to run the next tranche of work.  It has taken everyone a year to realise that they aren't really up for it and so tomorrow we should agree that I take on most of the work and run with it to see if it is viable.  If we don't do this we run the very real risk of never having given the opportunity the chance to be born it deserves.  So if anyone has a quarter of a million (GBP) investment for the initial feasibility work, drop me a line - we need to talk :-) 

Bye Bye Bertie

Or Robert as I knew him. Worked together up until I was made redundant 3 years ago now. I had heard that there was something up last year but was saddened to see that he died around Christmas time. A Brain tumour apparently. How awful - he was a really clever guy and knew so much about the product and how to train and install it. It really is a sad loss, he was such a nice guy with it.

This probably accounts for the serious amount of brain activity I was going through last night, I was awake every half and hour or so and my mind was racing and dreams were coming in and out like trains at Clapham Junction!

At work now - and twiddling thumbs. Not a great deal has happened today and isn't likely to unless I go wake up a few people. I hate it when work goes flat like this. I get a good head of steam up and then nothing for a few days then full on and so on.

Family History

It was great to meet up with family again and then we all realised that it had been 2 and 3 years respectively since some of us met and it felt like it was only yesterday.  How amazing.  It was 9 years ago that I set up the family meet up in the first place.

We aren't a close family for some historical reason the paths split perhaps three geneations back and whilst I am now in touch with all my 2nd cousins, many of my third and some out as far as 6th cousins we still aren't anxious to meet up more than every now and then - perhaps a family trait?

Whatever, it was great to meet and catch up with all tht has happened and the family history was good, some nice lectures and I bought myself a bargain book which was originally £30 and I got it for under £10.  It is all about the reconstruction of the Cty of London after the Great Fire.  

I enjoyed getting to the place early, parking up and wandering into town to have a cooked breakfast and a cup of tea.  So much was on my plate that I lasted all day on it :-)  It was nice to have a mug of Café tea again - I don't often drink tea but I enjoyed that.

Some progress

I managed to make some progress today crashing through my paperwork.   The office is partly clear but really I should have done a bit more.  Unfortunately, I must have been on the phone for the best part of 2 hours with various phone calls and problems others have caused that  have to sort out for them.

I'm beginning to crystallise a plan of action to work part time and to get more involved in my other business.  It does need some fine balancing work to be done but I am certain I can do that given a little more time to work on it.

Tomorrow I am off to my family History Fair.  I hope to bump into my cousins and catch up on all that has happened in the past two years since I saw them.

Error - Hamster Makes Miraculous Recovery

I just found out that the Hamster made a miraculous recovery and so was taken back to its usual place in the bedroom this morning.  It was looking quite ill and was laying around gasping its last (or so we thought).  Even last night it didn't appear to be doing well when I saw it.

So a bit of a surprise there as it looked like the way all the rest went.....

Getting Started

Having a bit of trouble getting going this morning.  I want to get my office tidy and get my paperwork up to date.  Already had an interruption from the builder who is giving an estimate for our roof ridge tiles which have now become a pressing problem since the snow came and mucked them up.  We instructed a builder three months ago who just continually fails to turn up!  He's toast now and so we have looked to get a new guy involved.

Every time I sit down I find that something else needs doing.  I shall just have to get a coffee and start again and see if I can actually achieve anything this time.

It looks as if the Hamster died during the night.  The cage is nowhere to be seen this morning and I await the outcome of L's deliberations whether she will have another one.  She has had quite a few of them now and perhaps she may decide enough is enough.

A Flocky Treat and a sad evening

After the excesses of the night before Flocky called and we were going to go to the pub and run through some paperwork but the Curry House was open and we dived in there.  We were the only guests and we had some really excellent food.  I had a dish which came out sizzling using Pomfret Fish.  They said it was a local fish but looking it up it is a native of Indian, Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  It was excellent though and the first time I have had any.  It will not be the last.

It is a sad evening as the Hamster is on his last legs and didn't look too good.  I feel very sad to see the little fellow gasping his last breath but we all have to go I suppose.  Stupid I know but something clicks inside and I really don't like death at all.  I mean, we all have to go and whilst I want that to be a long way off, it is on my mind and the I'm not sure what triggers the thought processes here.  You see I'm a little torn up by my daughter's pet dying and I think it because I am upset for her in case she is upset but she deals very matter of factly about these things.  I heard a friend died just after Christmas and I didn't know until after his funeral and yet whilst I was sad to hear that, I wasn't emotional about it.  He was a lot older, he had a full life, he retired a very long time ago and enjoyed his retirement and I met him 5 or 6 times a year and enjoyed his company.  It was a shame I didn't go to his funeral but I'm not beating myself up about that either.

I find my emotions are and what switches them on and off difficult to work out.  There are certain triggers in films and it is normally tragedy (kids killed or tortured, parents dying or that sort of thing - human or not).  Then again there are the little choking moments like seeing the Hamster gasping its last that make me feel uneasy.  Sometimes, it doesn't affect me at all.  The strangest thing about the last three and a half years or so is this emotional mixer.  I feel that someone has taken out my insides and stirred them all around and put me back together in the wrong order.

I'm at home again tomorrow and I am looking forward to actually making the family history weekend on Saturday up in London.  Not sure if I will drive or go by train this time.  Driving is quite nice and I can get there and then go and find a place for breakfast.  I didn't make last year and so haven't seen some of the family for 2 years!

A couple of days off

Regrouping required.  What is important?  Interesting turn of events this evening and quite privileged to be able to sit with some serious senior people in the overall scheme of things.

So - need to sort out a plan of attack.  This includes what to do with my business interests, the work at the Charity and further my interests.  In this respect do I go down the Livery Company route or perhaps pursue the possibility to further my ties into Masonry?  

So late home it is silly and the meal was late as the security was crazy (HRH Duke of Kent was in attendance) and tied right down.  I was seated with some amazing people and so just enjoyed the whole event but it was a late evening and really I could have got a Hotel as we caught the 11:36 out of Charing Cross and I got home about 00:40 eventually!!!

Anyway, how often do you get to days like this?  Not often in the overall scheme of things...

The trouble with heading off to work early is

That I put on the wrong pair of shoes in the dark and boy oh boy, am I paying for it now?  You cannot believe the cut I have across the back of my ankle/Achilles.  Typical, Ii staggered to the station on the way home and caught a bus back to near here and have a nice bloody mess there.  I can't believe I did that - my other shoes were well worn in too.  

Oh well - these things happen but not sure if I can walk far tomorrow - I'll see how I am in the morning and what shoes don't rub.  I certainly want to be fit for Wednesday.

I was out with a friend tonight and he drives me to distraction sometimes.  He has little money and yet he wants to spend a bucket load of cash he doesn't have doing something that - if I didn't have the money - I would drop.  He said that he has known me for years and that I am "good" with money.  He is right, I only bought what I could afford when I could afford it and I now don't have a mortgage (although I could have done without catching BC and getting paid off for that to do it).  I have no debt and if anything sometimes I wonder whether that was the right thing to do - especially when I thought I wouldn't be around long enough to spend any of it :-)

No he will spend it even if he hasn't got it on something that is in my opinion nice to do but it isn't essential to life!!!  I really don't get it but then he lives for the moment and the day and I imagine the bill will arrive one day and he will have to work out what to do about it.

If he is that desperate he can have my place I suppose but I hope he has gone away and thought about what I have said.  i doubt it but it would be nice if he did.  I cannot actually stop him doing this stuff - I'd like to but he wouldn't have it.

All I seem to have done this week

Is eat. I've been out lots of times and enjoyed food and drink and that isn't going to change this week as I am looking forward to attend the Grand Stewards' Lodge 275th Anniversary celebrations. It should be something very special indeed and who knows - I might even be around for their 300th?

After that I must knuckle down to some serious weight loss. I also need to catch up with a load of paperwork and so ought to talk to the boss about doing some part time work in the next few weeks. I have accounts to complete and other things to do which I just haven't completed.

I'm feeling well but as I was reminded, it isn't long now until I need to have my procedure in Hospital so about 8 or 10 weeks at the most. I was explaining that the decision isn't difficult to take as if I had been offered the course I have travelled this past 3 coming up to 4 years this July at time of diagnosis, I think I would have chosen this. I've had a remarkable journey to get here and I'm amazed that it is so long. We met with some old friends to day and G reminded me that we worked together close to 20 years ago. I was amazed I have to say it never seems that long ago.

Too busy to blog?

Afraid so.  Where did we leave this?  Oh yes, Wednesday evening and it is now Sunday morning.  Not a lot to report apart from being out every day since then and off out again in an hour to another do.  January has been a crazy month and I've been out almost every day.   I managed to work only half days down the week and so far, I haven't had the problems with the trains I thought I might do.  It must be related to the snow and to the experience I had all those years ago getting trapped on that train.

So I'm feeling a lot better at the moment.  I felt quite rotten about not getting into work but then I note that many people had the most horrible journeys and hardly did any work as they arrived at work to be told to go home early.  What is the point?

I did find out that if you do have an existing phobia then a major illness can make it worse in some cases.  

Not a lot more to say at the moment.  Because I am feeling so much better I'm in good spirits and whilst work is still pretty boring, I did get to do some strategy work that was really interesting.

Nice night out

A very dear friend and his wife invited us out for a drink and a curry tonight and we shared the same cruise ship with diametrically opposed destinations last year.  They hit the Caribbean and we did the Baltics - what a contrast but it was nice to catch up on what we all thought.

we trudged through the new layers of slush and ice to the pub and then to the curry house.

It was very nice but he is a naughty boy as he paid for the meal and I wasn't expecting that...

It was also interesting that we had a quick chat about the manifestation about my claustrophobia.  I read today that a long illness especially something traumatic or serious can intensify the whole thing.  It looks as if it can be treated through hypnotherapy or NLP or some other reprogramming of the brain.  What I was interested to see was that I don't have all the symptoms just some of them.  I wonder why that is?

I hope the trains are running in the morning - I could do with getting into work and getting some work done and attending my meeting at 12 too.

Not in at work

The snow came overnight and is still falling and I took one look and decided that discretion should be my watchword and not to put myself in a position to get stressed out.

I can review this later in the day as I really want to be in London on Thursday and Friday as I have meetings.  The amazing thing is that everyone is caught out again they didn't predict the weather over the weekend and they suggested a dusting.   We got a bit more than that and the car isn't coming off the drive!

Mind you things could be worse - let's consider the poor population in Haiti coming to terms with an Earthquake.  

What the hell is wrong with me

It can be frustrating that I just don't seem to be coming to terms with who I am, what I want to do, the way I am now and all that good stuff.

I just cannot make up my mind what I want to do for the best.  I got to work today and caught up with 4 or 5 day's worth of work in as many hours.  I cannot say that I enjoy the journey - it has become a chore and a experience that isn't pleasant and is almost frightening.  I am so glad that Ii didn't go in last wek as I heard tales tonight about some of the journeys and it made me feel queasy just listening to them.  SURELY there has to be something else I can do from now on that doesn't put me in situations I don't like, doesn't make me do things that are mediocre when I can deliver such value from my experience to others? 

Travelling in cattle trucks to and from work to do stuff that I can do as well at home just seems churlish to  me.  

I'm back where I was some years ago at some sort of crossroads and once again, I just don't know what to do with myself for the best and for my long term mental and physical health.  At present I could happily kick my job into touch.

I don't feel like going in to work tomorrow at all.  I will take a view when I see what the weather is like in the morning.   Life is opening up to be a cul de sac at the moment and I really want it to be so much better than that.

At least I found out tonight that the journey up to town was as bad as I had anticipated and I am glad I made the decision not to go now.  I think I would have ended up at an asylum if I'd have gotten on one of the over crowded trains they described to me.  

Sweaty Palms or what

What a funny old day.  I got to the station fine through the snow and my train was there and wasn't corwded.  I was still the only one sitting in shirt sleeves though.  The reaminder of passengers were togged up against the Arctic chill and yet how on earth could they get any benefit after bing in a hot train for 20 minutes or more?

I got to work and it was quite hot.  I was able to grab time outside as we have a door to the garden area.  However, I was hot everyone else was cold.  I went for lunch and came back even hotter than before!  Crazy.  So I decided to come home and I am just cooling off a bit.  I will have to change my clothes though as I am so hot and so sweaty.  I guess that was just me burning up worrying about getting into and out of work.  The rest of this week will also be half days as I have a number of other things to do.  I don't mind as at least I can avoid rush hour trains and try and get back to some semblance of normality.

I'm out again tonight - in fact out every night this week and both days over the weekend too.  Bang goes any chance of a diet.

I see that Mike and HK in Toronto are having various things done to them this week and let's hope that it works out for them.  HK had a torrid time with BCG and could do with some good news.

I'm just happy to have gotten home without a panic atack or anything else other than a high temperature which is gradually coming down now.   I will repeat the journey tomorrow and see how I get on.

Slowly Slowly Back to Work

I am still feeling extremely apprehensive about getting back to work and have told the boss that I am going to do this gradually this week and so half days.  I start tomorrow.  I will be taking early or later trains and just see how I get on.

The sheer feelings of panic and stress are clear in my mind and it is interesting to note that some of this may be hormonal and adrenal which kind of makes sense in a way as I reckon that my whole body has been whipped to bits these past three years or so and it just needs to try and regain its equilibrium.   Your hormone balance takes a hell of a whack and adrenaline gets used up and not fully replaced.

I wasn't surprised to read some of the stuff about Claustrophobia especially the suffocating feeling you get with it.  The Panic attacks and the feeling that you are going to die provokes a run away from it need and the trouble is you are normally trapped and cannot do that - hence that feeling of being trapped just gets worse.  Unless you've had a panic attack you really cannot understand the terrifying nature of it nor of the havoc it wreaks on you.  Chest constrictions, heat and hot flushes and sweating, nausea, double vision - yuk it is pretty awful.

I know my mother has this and it seems to be a bit of a family trait.  Anyone who hasn't had it probably cannot understand it but I imagine it is how drowning or suffocating or being caught in a fire or trapped in wreckage - like in a building after an earthquake must feel.   

I need to consider what to do about these attacks though as whilst I had some of these before I cannot remember them being as intensely upsetting as they have been this past year.  This time last year because I was trapped in my own head with both ears infected and me being deaf for about a month I was in a bit of a mess.   I was able to control it as I was at home and could look out of a window or go outside.  On a train and an more so underground trains I just have nowhere to go.  I thought I might get like this in St. Petersburg at the Hermitage where they did suggest the crowds were bad but I was more aware of watching out for pickpockets than being in a crowded place and I was with a guide and as I normally am, I was prepared and could actually move around and determine courses of action to mitigate any unforeseen circumstance.

I'm actually quite worried about this now as I worry about if I ever have a cold like I did last year will I just end up dying of suffocation or just stress myself out completely.

People that know me realise that I'm just not like this normally.  I exude confidence and self belief and here I am quaking in my boots worried about getting on a train and going to work and worried about how I'll get home.  In fact, it is the loss of control or normality that has added to the uncertainty and doubt that feeds the phobia.  I must ask my friend if he can undo any of this for me.   

I'm actually frightened and I can only think of a few times in my life when I have actually been this scared of anything.  Cancer itself and all the early stuff was frightening.  Seeing a guy running amok with an Axe years ago was pretty frightening.  Being deaf and ill.  Having a policeman pull a gun on me was sobering.  Seeing a guy get glassed on a train and subsequently going to court was scary.  Being on the edge of the riots in London and missing at least 5 or 6 major bombings were also scary.  realising that only a few weeks after I stopped commuting that I may have been on a train that was involved in a major accident and when I thought I was in the middle of an earthquake in Italy too could be deemed scary.  Those sorts of frightening experiences shook me up for a long time.   This current anxiety isn't as extreme in terms of the immediacy of it.  This is more a pent up fear and I have no idea how I will get on tomorrow with travelling in.  I fully intend to get up early and just see how I do.  If I can't hack it - I can get off the train and come home.  

I'm not looking forward to this one bit but I have to do it I guess.  It seems a strange notion that some of the things I fear are pretty much not possible (running out of air on the train for example) but that is what it feels like and in a panic attack that really starts your breathing problems!

New Week

Well - I've had a bit of time off this week to reflect on things and I have decided not to go into work tomorrow but just see how the trains are holding up.

It is difficult to tell people who don't or haven't suffered from claustrophobia exactly what it is like and it really has got more acute these past few years and even since the illness last year.   To try an put it into some sort of perspective it feels to me like someone has stuffed a huge weight on my chest so that I can't breathe and the harder I try to calm down the more frantic I get to try and breathe.  At the same time, I can feel my head beginning to buzz and feel as if it is under pressure as if before going in to  a feint.  Then comes the rising panic of wanting to be out of wherever I happen to be at the time.  Everything is hot and airless and that makes it even worse.

I really need to get some control of this.  I rarely have it at home but can do when I have a heavy cold and when that cold renders me deaf as I am trapped inside my own body.  I can easily sort that out by going to a window or standing outside.  

It sounds like I'm a right wimp having this sort of thing, the tinnitus and everything else - in fact the past few years have seen my body breakdown really but I'm not decrepit or particularly ill in that way.

I'm going to check tomorrow to see if the trains are running properly and then set out a series of actions to ease myself back to work.  I have to say that I really don't fancy the idea at all at the moment and perhaps I will need to just go part time or sort something out.  I really am having difficulty with the travelling side of it.  It is as if my body is telling me something about work, travel or some other message that I'm not getting yet.

I need to sort it out soon though as I don't want to continue this situation into the foreseeable future and I need to be able to travel without the fears of being cramped or trapped on a train or any other situation  arise that I cannot handle.  

I really am surprised at how bad I feel about this - I even get it in cars as well these days.  I can only imagine it is past experiences, bladder cancer  and recent events that have made it worse.

Trapped inside

The weather is pretty terrible and I hope that it starts to clear soon.  I really could do with getting into work next week especially on Tuesday and Thursday when I have meetings.

The trains are still running an emergency timetable, setting low expectations and then failing to meet them.  I still find that the prospect of cramped, slow, airless, overly heated trains fills me with dread and I will certainly not travel until I feel less threatened and intimidated by the journey.  If it continues into next week I might well look to getting up to town and staying at a Hotel or something similar.  

Anyhow, this long spell of snow and ice has at least allowed me to sit here and catch up with my own work.

Not going in today

The big freeze continues and I dropped a note to the boss today explaining a bit more about why I'm not coming in whilst the transport is so bad.

I've had to admit something that I don't admit to many.  I hadn't realised or owned up to the fact of quite how bad my claustrophobia has become and it is as if a weight has been lifted that I have now made him aware of the situation.

I control and manage this, as you probably know, through routine and other techniques but uncertainty over whether trains run or not and the overcrowding this could cause are just too much for me to cope with as I need control and order to manage the panic attacks that can be caused by over crowded, hot and airless trains etc.

I am stuck at home and will be until they sort the transport out to my satisfaction.  I cannot believe though how bad this has become.

You Just Never Know

The snow came along and in fact it looks less than the lot before Christmas but there are warnings of a band moving through later.  I decided not to go and try my hand at the revised train timetable and so didn't get ferried up to London on a cattle truck or have to suffer worrying about whether or not I'd get home.

It is amazing when the advice is to stay away, severe disruption to travel and all this and employers expect people to make it in to work.  As I am both employer and employee I let myself off.  I don't suppose my work are too impressed but it isn't as if I am a member of the emergency services or had anything worth getting freezing cold for and also, knowing my disposition to hot and crowded trains and overcrowded carriages, worth me getting all stressed out for either.

Yet you know employers will be making people drag themselves into work in trying circumstances that could see them taking hours to get in just to go home again when they could work from home like I am today.

An interesting piece on the BBC web site today about surviving cancer HERE.  It is one of the major things that I have noticed about my treatment.  Not just the tiredness but the weight problems, the lethargy and the terrible bone weariness I sometimes encounter.  On many occasions I have blogged about the state of my mind and what having cancer has done to that including the memory problems and the inability to find the right word to explain myself during conversation and when writing.  Then there are the moods and the emotional roller coaster and things like my claustrophobia and panic attacks.  I've done a bit about these myself with hypnotherapy and controlled breathing and other mitigating actions.  The trouble is that as this article states, they treat the illness but not the whole person.  There really should be some sort of holistic approach that could be taken but Doctors are doctors of medicine and they repair and put that right.  You can't expect them to do the fluffy bit as well I suppose but someone really needs to as it is as much a part of Cancer as the physical symptoms are. 

Travel Nightmare

Without a flake of snow they managed to lose all signals in the local area and so I came home early and had to make a series of tactical rail journeys.  I wasn't going to get caught on the one train they had going out that three or four times the number of passengers that would normally be carried were meant to get on.

Mission accomplished and I managed to take the Underground and another two trains and got home safely before the snow - which has just started - prepares to dump up to a foot on us.  The train company were going to go onto emergency timetabling tomorrow come what may and frankly I can do without living like a sardine, it just starts my claustrophobia off again and I get pretty panicky these days in situations like that.  I can keep it under control in normal circumstances but not when they pack us into really hot overcrowded trains.

It beggars belief that they want us to try and make it into work tomorrow.  It is in fact crazy as why spend two or three hours each way when I could get up and start work in my office here and deliver perhaps three hours or more work on top of my working day.  I despair that these old fashioned views still exist.  They still have a lot to learn.  I'd rather not get paid and get on with something else if they don't like it.

I'm just waiting for A to get back in she is walking back from the local pub so shouldn't be too long.  The weather has turned though and so I'll just wait up and make sure she is safely in before I turn in myself.

They say this is going to be the worst snow for 30 years.  If so - I remember that week well as we were stuck in our old house and couldn't get into work for a week!  

I hate commuting

It was OK this morning as the new Train timetable has an earlier train with longer carriages and so I get plenty of room.  They are still stupidly over heated even though it is minus 4 or 5 you don't need to boil passengers like they do.  Me?  I have to take off my coats and scarf etc. to sit down and yet others doggedly sit there with full hat, scarf, gloves and all on and honestly the carriage has to be 25 or more degrees C.  It is crazy.  Tonight I decided to get an earlier train and feel that I may now do that more often as it goes about 20 minutes earlier than the one I normally catch and is a little less crowded.  I still have these claustrophobic reactions and tonight needed to open the window on the train for 10 minutes or so before we moved off.  Again just so hot I could hardly breathe.

I notice that since my treatments I am a lot hotter than other people, I am always warm and need to be in cool rooms and transport.  If I have to sit in the furnace like conditions of some of these trains I get problems breathing which takes me a lot of effort to control.  

I have arrived home to find that a friend's wife has died over the weekend.  She had been ill for many years and had not been in great health.  I often hear the words "it was a relief" and maybe that is true for her and her husband but even so, it must still be a shock to the system and I've been asked not to call and so I wont.  I do not deal with death particularly well at the best of times and post BC find it acutely upsetting when experiencing it at funerals or similar situations.  I could handle it quite well before all of this and can gaze on my own demise stoically but show me anyone else suffering or losing a loved one and I find that I am not able to cope with it.  Let me talk to a cancer victim and discuss the symptoms, treatment, potential outcomes etc and I'm fine with that too.

Back to Work

No doubt the alarm will come as a bit of a shock in the morning and that the cold walk to the station will start the return back to work off in a not too pleasant way.  We are in quite a cold snap at the moment but we are not as bad as Scotland which appears to be in the -15 Degree area and that's Centigrade none of your woolly Fahrenheit nonsense.

I've spent the day plotting out what the year looks like in terms of appointments and meetings and so far it looks to be pretty much panning out to be suitably busy.  I have my wall planner set up and also a brought forward file to put all my paperwork in this time!  It makes for easier remembering where I have put things.

2010 is one of those years, I feel, where things are going to happen either planned or by serendipity.   Curiously, though, I don't have the usual plan worked out on what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.  

The adventure starts tomorrow - let's see where it leads me.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

It is strange that as you travel on your journey post Cancer that the threat exists for as long as you live and is always with you in some way or the other.  I was reading Steve Kelley's Blog and especially this really interesting piece mapping out the journey ahead.  It occurred to me being a Project Manager that the successful outcome of the journey would be to die naturally without Cancer having reoccurred.

You'll have to excuse the morbid way I just wrote that but actually that would be a result I think.   I don't think I am any more susceptible to another Cancer but I am perhaps more likely to get Bladder Cancer again.  I'm not planning on that but it is a possibility that grows more remote the more clears I get.

Going back to Steve's posting - the mapped out journey has no end date and as a Project Manager you always like to see something concrete delivered.  A Programme is slightly different as it can continue to move and grow and doesn't always have an end point defined at the beginning.  

Until I can get my head around not having a definitive end point I think that I am going to continue to struggle with coming to terms with Bladder Cancer.  I've reflected many times on the fact that if you break a bone or have an  illness, in general terms there comes a point in time when you were back to the way you were before.   That doesn't happen in cases of serious illness because it messes with your head as well as your body and I can't see a point where I'd be "back to normal".   I'm still amazed at how some people react when they meet me and find out I had Cancer, they almost do a double take and they just utter the strangest things.  I wonder if I would be one of those people if I hadn't have experienced this first hand?

Because there isn't going to be a sign off and a point where the Doctors say "go away" or  "you're all done now", because I am going to be having blood tests and check up every year and perhaps, like Steve's plan, a Flexible Cystoscopy for every year of my natural life, this will just stretch on to my last days.   I think that the UK might be different though in terms of moving the inspections to longer distances so they go out to 18 months, 24 months, 36 months etc.  I'll find out all about that in April and May of this year I hope.

I hadn't really managed to grasp this point until I looked at Steve's chart and considered that this is no one off project it is a full on programme (program) which has multiple facets, multiple outcomes, hundreds of possible paths and priorities and Bladder Cancer is one of the major work streams pulling every other part of the programme along with it.  It is no single entity, not one thing to deal with, it affects everything I do and almost every decision I make.  It is a single reference point and commands the highest priority in decision making and actually, in that way alone it is also the commonest excuse for not doing something and procrastination.

Dealing with the "depression" that this brings is the most important thing for me this year.  I use the D word and yet whilst I am certain it is that - it isn't anything like the Black Dog Depressions I used to get a few years ago and which thankfully don't affect me any more.   This is the feeling that I am on the scrap heap job wise and all those years of experience and lets not beat about the bush, money that used to go with those jobs may well have gone now.  It was poignant when my kid brother told me he had to take a pay cut to stay in his job last year.  His pay cut was more than I brought in for the whole year.  That felt like a wet fish slap around the face.   Money isn't everything and I probably don't need to do that sort of work any more anyway and I don't really need the money I suppose.  However, that needs to be resolved this year.  The current job could be done in a few days a week not full time and I really want to get involved in my other business venture where I can.  

So one side of the problem - I'm not using my brain enough, my skills aren't being used and I'm well enough now (I think) to move on to something a bit more challenging but where that is I don't know.  Many think I should hold onto this job.  I'm good at it and I have the ability to make it my own, perhaps make a bigger role and I know that I am guaranteed work to 2017 - so what is the problem?  Many would say that you should accept and carry on - "go native".  That would never work I can't just 9 to 5 and not make a difference especially in an organisation that works like it is still in the 1960s.  

On the other hand - things aren't so bad with my health and coming out of the rough bit of the BCG treatments and being clear for quite a while should give me confidence to move on.  In fact I am happy to move on but I find that I will probably be plotting a solo course on this.  What I want to do and what everyone else wants to do are quite different and no one wishes to share that with me.  So another side of the problem is that try as I might to move things on, if I am not getting the support to do them, then this too will add to the dilemma.  

Some time ago I mentioned that the difficult part of the whole thing was that you can't change people's reactions to your Cancer.  They have to deal with it themselves and when I was at my most cynical a few weeks ago I dared suggest that perhaps they expected me to die rather than live and haven't worked out how to live with a ghost yet :-)  

So whilst everyone has been most supportive and stuck with me throughout this pretty torrid time,  they may not be the most appropriate people to go ahead with and move forward.   

It now depends how you value your friends and family and how whether you are prepared to burn bridges.   I would hate to do that and having lost a few friends because of Bladder Cancer (I'm still in touch but they couldn't deal with it and went into quiet mode), I'm not sure dumping those that helped me through the hard times is a good strategy and yet, it may be necessary for my own well-being and peace of mind in the long run. 

This may not be the first day of the rest of my life but I think that I have finally put a few more pieces in place to help me decide what to do next.   To continue in a way that sees me dissatisfied with life, the universe and everything is not the way forward.  I can take away the assumption that there is an end point to BC and remove that from my calculations.  I can take away the possibility of recurrence and just have to deal with it if it happens.  I have to tackle and weigh the options on whether to shrug off the hands that hold me back and go and do what I want to do rather than try and gain a quorum or gain levels of acceptance or grudging agreement.   I'm very good at keeping the peace, promoting the Status Quo and being the good guy, always bending to fit in but perhaps it is time now to change that and do something about it.

To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question......... or is it?

Life can be so complicated can't it :-)

New Year Resolutions

Easily broken in my experience. Mine are still to try and keep healthy and get better each day and to get out of the rut I'm in. The only thing stopping me is myself I reckon.

I really can't be arsed with work or much else at the moment - only in as much as I have other things to do and through wasting my time these past days just haven't gotten around to doing any of them. Even my wall chart is out of date, no calendars have been changed or anything so tomorrow (well later today) I ought to do that.

I'm not happy with myself these days, I must tackle all the things I should be doing without hiding behind the fallout from my condition. It is time to try and wrestle back some control now and see where that gets me.

Happy New Year

Well here we are 2010. Another year and another one that I'm happy to be alive in.

I took myself off to the Hospital today to get a blood test for my GP so they can continue to prescribe me all my heart pills. It was a good move, I got up late and wandered down there gone 11 and there were 5 of us in the queue which meant about a 10 minute wait and I was done and on my way home. Suitably rewarded with some left over bacon from Christmas I decided I might as well finish off all the fatty, calorie heavy stuff now as I won't be touching that again for a long while.

I'm now going to concentrate on losing weight and getting back into shape again as well as trying to get back some of my lost get up and go which has got up and went.

A look back at the last 10 years tonight on TV gave plenty of food for thought and yet no one mentioned my little milestones - perhaps best left behind and move on. It's a bit like having had a very bad cold for 3 years! Not :-)

Let us hope that this next decade brings us a little peace in this world and some massive improvements in Cancer detection, prevention, treatment and cure.

Tiredness working out

Well for the 3rd day running I haven't got up past 11 in the morning which is a bit crazy.  I guess I ought to try and get going first thing tomorrow if I can as I'm losing half a day at a time this way.

I hope that I have managed to set up a new Gadget on the Blog that links to another resource for cancer.  Let's see how that works out.

One thing I am a bit remiss at is tagging my posts.   I need to come up with some simple headings I guess that filter searches for readers.  Something else on my growing "to do" list for 2010.

My DVD Player is driving me mad as it has a DVD stuck inside and will not spit it out.  The crazy thing is that it is a known issue but the published solution doesn't work!  Doh!  Tomorrow I will try a few tips off of the Internet.  As always happens with me the device is about 18 months old and out of warranty.  The Surround Sound DVD Player I have is working (when it feels like it) and so I managed to watch a few of my DVDs today.  

A managed to scratch her car today and is a bit cheesed off and upset with herself.  Not everyone gets it when all I ask is "Did anyone get injured or hurt in anyway?"  A bashed piece of metal is just a bashed piece of metal after all.  She is furious with herself for it but maybe she will see my way of thinking when she calms down a bit.  It really doesn't matter and in the overall scheme of things is nothing to get upset about.

Off to bed a little earlier tonight to see if I can get in a little less sleep than recently!

A Bit of R&R Coming up

It is one of the joys of Christmas meeting family and friends (and of course "Waste of Oxygen Man"). The trouble is, with so much entertaining you tend to wear yourself out pretty much and today was a chance to get our breath back and we did absolutely nothing after cleaning up the mess from the night before.

I can't say I'm in the best of humour as both my DVD player and recorder appear to have malfunctioned as does my Hi-Fi but hey, what are the January sales for otherwise!

I need to do a bit of taking stock tomorrow as I have managed to squander my days leading up to and after Christmas and have achieved next to nothing. This time next week I'll be back at work and so I ought to catch up with all those things that need doing.

Time to sort out New Year resolutions - I ought to go and look back at the last few years and see what I said then!

The Day After the Day After

I'm still a little stiff from my ice fall but otherwise I'm OK.   Yesterday the whole family (Mrs. F's side) A and her boyfriend and the rest descended on us.  The "waste of oxygen" at least managed to get through the day and to not vomit on my carpet like a few years ago so that was a result.  I can't believe how much he winds me up and I'm generally very good with most people.  Perhaps it is his complete disregard for others?  At least I don't have to see him until the next funeral, wedding or Christmas next year!

Why people tear arising around and get stressed out just because friends are coming I have no idea.  Of course they get even more stressed out when I tell them to slow down and take it easy.  This sort of stressy stuff during the holidays really isn't necessary.  Again we have 13 or so guests  coming around this afternoon.  I have slunk back here to my sanctuary to get a bit of peace and to also count to 100 before going downstairs and trying not to be flippant, sarcastic,  level headed, sensible and all the other things that people who know me would realise would stress anyone else out completely.  So I'm doing a bit of a United Nations bit, making a tactical withdrawal and will re-appear in time to take the plaudits or to wind Mrs. F up even more.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I can start to get some relaxing back into the Festive break.  We just seem to have been on the go non stop. 

Christmas Morning Not The Start I Wanted

We departed our friends at about 2:35 in the morning.  As I approached the car I realised that I was, in fact, slipping down the hill on a sheet of ice.  Not good they live on quite a slope and carrying a box to the car, trying to retain my balance in new leather soled shoes - well, you can probably piece together the slow motion of the event.

At first it was slightly amusing as I started to veer away from everyone and then as I picked up speed and moved to retain balance realised that I was going down one way or another  The fact that I hit our friends car then fell into the road beside it may have been a good thing as I didn't career into the road itself!

There was lots of concern, of course, my injured pride and the annoyance of anyone who dared thought I may have drunk too much.  However, most were concerned that I hadn't broken anything and indeed, I don't appear to have done.  I landed about as gracefully as you can falling forward with the box in front of me which broke my fall, then on my knees and hands and smacked into the wheel of the car, gutter and kerb.  

I am very lucky as I just have bruised upper left arm, slight bruise to my left thigh and on the palms of my hands, again more on the left hand.  No grazes or cuts and no broken skin anywhere.  I was singularly unimpressed that the pavements (we walk on the pavement in the UK BTW - something lost in translation somehow) were left so bad, anyone older could have a broken hip or arm.  My friend managed that last year.    We tend to forget all about people and just look after the cars.

Christmas Day has gone well although I do find it a bit tiresome being with my sister-in-laws partner.  He really is a waste of Oxygen (and I'm being nice to him).  I'm very good that I share my Christmas with him and don't get him sectioned.  I have ever met such a total waste of space and he has the social skills of an amoeba and has quite the worst manners.  However, somehow we manage to "do our bit" for the environment and I suppose it is only once  year.  Unfortunately it isn't up to me, but if it were I would have to make an exception to "goodwill to ALL men" at this time of year.  It will be my turn to host him on Sunday but there will be more of us and we can amuse ourselves taking cheap shots at him :-)  I don't mean to be cruel but he doesn't like getting dragged along and makes that quite clear.  it is only my sister-in-law who doesn't get the message.  The things I do to keep the peace :-)

Oh well - it is Christmas after all.

Here we go

And the Honey roast Ham is cooked, and now carved up ready for three or four days worth of feasting. Mrs. F. and L are at Church and I am now ready to start my Christmas. I am ready to party and we are off to our long-term friends house to do just that - plenty of beer and lots of food.

Away Calories count half I think is the accepted rule and I am ignoring my normal diet and going onto the high cholesterol, high fat, one :-) Well may be not going that mad but for a few days I think I can let my hair down a bit. The New Year will see changes a plenty and I think I can let my self celebrate the end of a successful year which started badly with the infection from hell but got better.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Here we go the run into to the Festivities

Much as every year - my place is in the kitchen preparing but not so much this year - just the Honey Roasted Gammon. Normally we would have everyone over here on Christmas Day (I know not last year) but normally we do. With A skiing in France somewhere and not due back until the late evening of the 26th we have half postponed Christmas Day until the 27th so I will actually be back in the Kitchen on Boxing Day and the day after.

I enjoy cooking and somehow have fallen out of the habit since the girls no longer go to church with their mother. I used to prepare the Sunday lunch for their return but we don't always get a one meal together these days.

I'm doing remarkably well at the moment in terms of how well I feel in myself and although I am tired, I am managing to get through most days albeit with the occasional snooze on my favourite armchair. Things are going well but I need to go and get a blood test done but have today noticed that the quack hasn't signed the form or told me what sort of blood test to have (normal or fasting) so somehow I need that sorted out PDQ. I was hoping to go tomorrow as there would be few who would go other than those required to do so on Crhistams Eve. That plan is dashed.

Everything is ready, the presents all wrapped, the baking is done and all I need to do is get prepped up for tomorrow and then we start the festivities with a visit to our old friends who we have known for 18 or more years now. It is a shame that A will not be home again this year to see them as we all grew up together and spent a lot of time in each others company on holiday and at this time of year.

Sometime in the next day or two I will be giving thanks for once again making another Christmas that 3 1/2 years ago I never thought I would make.

Thanks to all who are trying to find a cure

I woke with a bit of a start this morning. You see - I had advanced to next April and in my dream was told that I'd have to go back onto BCG treatment. I wasn't happy and I wasn't dealing particularly well with that when I came around. Welcome to my world of doubt and uncertainty. Had it once and don't want it again but you never, ever know do you?

So today, I'm sat here and thinking to myself about all those people who research and practice in the field of cancer, prevention and cure and of course all of those in medical teams around the world who deal with cancer patients.

I think I'd like to say "hurry UP!" but they are working as fast as they can within the limits of funding and on the edge of medical science. So it isn't going to be a silver bullet but they do wonderful work and it changes lives. Then our medical teams and support personnel who treat each one of us the same and try and save everyone if they can.

I'd like to wish each and everyone of them from the bleeding edge scientist to the administrators, the consultants, nurses, doctors, janitors, orderlies and everyone a fabulous Christmas and New Year and thank them for all that they do for us. Keep up the good work, you save lives, it is noble work and really appreciated by those of us who have survived.

Talking to someone who has also had Cancer

Is great and I'll be out to lunch with an old friend of mine and we will be able to compare notes and discuss how we feel and all that good stuff.   We meet up quite a bit professionally anyway but we g=often do this and have done over the years.  He had his Prostate done about 4 weeks before I had my operation and we met up a lot to discuss things.

It is really cathartic to talk about some of the good and bad moments and some of the fears for the future.  He has some challenges ahead that need him to come to terms with what he had and the side effects.  Don't forget, he no longer has Cancer as it has gone and was cut out along with the organ it grew in.  I still have my bladder, I've had Cancer before and I can get it again.  So two separate types of experiences but actually we are really close friends now because of this, much closer than many of my long time friends.  It is a difficult bond to describe but one of shared experience, emotional and physical stresses appears to make for stronger bonds between us.  We can discuss anything which is great.

There are very few people I feel this close to and who I feel I can tell all (and I mean ALL) the detail to.  This blog gets about 90 to 95% I guess.

Looking forward to our lunch very much.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

And it certainly is - we cancelled tonight's meeting - traffic was going nowhere we had one of the heaviest falls of snow I have ever seen and all in the space of about 30 minutes the roads were impassable and traffic ground to a halt on the main road and stayed like that for about 4 or 5 hours. You may as well have just turned off the switch because everything has ground to a halt. The trains. planes and automobiles aren't working. Our train service is going to be a Saturday one as we are expecting more snow and freezing conditions tonight.

So it is pretty lucky that I am not going into work this week but some of my colleagues are out in the Snow and the Ice and some have had terrible journeys - one took 3 hours to do 2 1/2 miles!

I glad I'm inside I can tell you. A year ago tomorrow was when I had my Operation which had been postponed from a week or so before. That really wasn't a great thing to do just before Christmas - it would be pretty bad if it was tomorrow - I doubt half the staff would have been able to make it in.

I'm glad I'm indoors and most things are done. Somehow we have to do the final bit of shopping and as long as no one has panic bought the shops supplies we should be OK. They say it will get a little warmer after tomorrow - it needs to, it really does.

As usual, being British, we are asking how a little bit of snow has managed to completely overwhelm our services (given we all knew this was coming and had been warned for some days ahead). I'm sure the inquests will start pretty soon and we will still have the same problem the next time. We always do.

Reflection Time

Having finished work on Friday I had a sobering conversation with a couple of my work colleagues who had noticed that I wasn't my normal self on the Thursday.

It's true, I'm certainly not my usual self these days and I'm spending a bit of time working out why that is. I consider that it was seeing my parents but having yet another Christmas apart from them and that is a little upsetting. Seeing them again, realising I'm turning into my father probably didn't fill me with great optimism. Not in a nasty way - just how like him I am and how I see the way he is and dislike that in myself sometimes.

I haven't really come to terms with the "new" me either. So many vices and constraints of the past in terms of how I viewed the world, what I thought about myself and how other people treated me were cast off because these things can no longer hurt/affect me the way they used to. I find that I am rueful of having left many of these old thoughts behind me but it is no comfort having to come to terms with changes in lifelong habits and long held beliefs. Things have to be let go if you are to move on and what things are left behind and what collateral damage is done in my actions are the thoughts I have at the moment.

I said sometime ago that I thought that Bladder Cancer was a life changing event but that I didn't see the changes as being fundamental ones. Lots of things changed and as you may expect with that came a healthy respect for life, living, heath and the welfare of myself but also of others. Many of the changes are pretty obvious and many are what I feel to be good changes. A softening of my rather pragmatic way of working, I very rarely lose my temper but I make up for that these days with a rather poisonous tongue and some cutting remarks that wilt many but - in my opinion, you don't get a tongue lashing from me if you don't deserve it.

Inevitably it is the distance that now exists between certain friends and family that causes me the most anxiety. I've explored this before and comments also on this blog draw the same conclusion that it isn't my problem how other people react to me, it is their problem and that I can't help them to come to terms with what has happened to me. The trouble is that the distancing and loss of such people is one of the unexpected consequences of the disease and what it did to me and those who know me.

Isn't it strange that a Cancer that existed in my body only, that I had all the experiences with would actually spread beyond me to affect those around me and even now, some years afterwards, leaves me thinking about how I (who really can't do a lot about it) could possibly repair the damage that has done.

You may struggle with to understand what I have just written - it is not particularly eloquent - but what I am driving at is that the physical and mental damage this does to your body is one thing but Cancer appears to affect your friends and family too in a way that you would never have dreamed possible. I'm used to the 2 question approach that Steve Kelley once blogged about. This is where someone asks you how you are and they want answer 1 which is that you are OK and that you will live not answer 2 which is that you are going to die and probably a horrible death. There are no in-between states - non Cancer sufferers and warriors will not understand that. It is refreshing to talk to people who have or have had Cancer and just be totally honest and actually discuss all the nuances and facets, minutiae and gore and bits with them.

So, I'm rattling on here much as my brain is. I know what the answer is, I'm just not brave enough to accept it. Instead I try and moralise and analyse what is going and and try various strategies to cope with the situation and I know what I must do. This holiday period I have the opportunity to address the situation, to try and confront what keeps me awake at nights and what stops me stepping up to the plate, making the decisions I have to and to stop being a coward and to just get on and do something about it.

I should realise that I have probably been through something that stretched my mind and my body beyond what should normally happen and that in hiding from making and taking decisions I have been doing what must be done for self protection. Now might be a good time to look in the mirror again and see if I like myself anymore. I'm afraid I don't like what I see much these days.

It's the challenge of what to do now that I need to tackle. What to do with this new lease of life I've been given, what to do with that time, my talents, my experience and above all how do I get the best out of my potential for the betterance of myself and my fellow mortals? Does then in making that decision it cause those near and dear to me to suffer is the core of the second part of the question. It is a bitch of a question/dilemma without doubt.

A Couple of Weeks Off

I made it to the Office Party which was a quieter affair than I thought it might be.  The Summer one is a lot more interesting.  The snow had caused a bit of travel delays but it was OK and I got back at a reasonable hour and in a reasonable state of repair.  

The thought of two weeks off and some rest and relaxation appeals and I just need to get into the right mood and chill a little bit so that I make the most and recharge my batteries.

Funny Day at Work

It was strange and I must have been in a strange mood I think as I wasn't my normal self and it appeared to my colleagues that there were things on my mind. I wonder if seeing my folks and the change in them over the past 3 or 4 months might have something to do with it or my dissatisfaction with the job or perhaps some other reason.

Whatever, we managed to repair the relationship after I had been out to lunch with a friend and so all's well that ends well. The new train timetable kicked in today. The train up is much better, less people and a bit earlier and my cafe is closed so I cannot go and get something to eat in the morning like I normally do. It is 6 minutes earlier and arrives 10 minutes earlier but adds an extra station (don't ask me how). In the evening the train is 3 minutes earlier but takes 10 minutes longer?

We are planned to get a "significant" snowfall tonight and that means 120 to 200mm between 4 and 8 inches with drifting. Now given that a few snowflakes can stop our national transport system, I wonder what chance we have to get to work and have our Christmas Party? Time will tell....

Joys and Sadness, Darkness and Light

Had a great meal and the family had a lovely evening and really good food and drink was had by all. Appalling weather though. Arrived home to find that one of my 2nd Cousin's had emailed me to say his father had died. He was one of the first to get hold of me when I was researching the family and his father was such a lovely guy and died this morning aged 87. He had some wonderful memories and was one of my Great Uncle's grandsons. His father was the Town Clerk of Bethnal Green when the awful tragedy happened there during the war and he told me a lot about that and provided me with photographs of my immediate family and books and data.

It is so sad that he has died, just before Christmas and I'm sure his grandchildren will be quite upset as he was such a lovely man.

Life goes on like this and some friends of Mrs. F dropped us a line to say that their daughter (we had gone to her wedding) had died aged just 43 - no age at all is it?

On a happier note, I had a payment from Uncle Google from all the adverts you nice readers click on attached to this blog. It amounted to around USD 100 and so I decided that this tranche of advertising revenue should go to my co blogger's charity in the US this time (the last tranche went to my charity here in the UK). So $100 has been lodged with Steve Kelley's church so that they can establish a base for themselves and wish that they reach their target funding and are able to fulfil their dream. With young Steve involved I am sure they lack for nothing in determination and good old fashioned common sense and drive and commitment. More information here.

Back

It started snowing on my way home and the traffic was dreadful at this end. It's not as if the stuff has settled it is just the way people react to it I suppose.

Anyway, I had a good time with my parents and the talk I did on Monday night was really enjoyable and I had a good evening with the Lodge in the middle of the Fens. I was most impressed by their people and their friendly manner.

Back home for Mrs. F's birthday and she has opened her presents and seems pleased. We are out to dinner tonight as long as the weather holds out for us as it is a bit out into the country and over the hills from here.

It was good to see my parents who make a suitable fuss over me. Not sure when I can get back up there next. I will have to look for opportunities in the New Year to get up there a bit more often. As I constantly remind them and my kid brother, they decided to move 120 miles away from me not vice versa, I'm the one who has to do the travelling.

Off for a few days

Will be good to see my parents for a few days and I am looking forward to presenting to a local Lodge tomorrow evening.   It is Mrs. F's birthday on Wednesday and A decided to do a surprise birthday dinner but Mrs. F. doesn't like surprises so we had to tell her.  

I'll be driving back on Wednesday and will look forward to yet another meal.  Having had our Christmas lunch today (with second helpings) I am feeling somewhat stuffed.  Another couple of days of Mums and Lodge and Restaurant eating and I'll be like Mr. Creosote.  

Some old friends turned up today for the Lunch and it was great to see them.  Somehow they can get to my dos and I cannot get to theirs but in January I am hopeful that we can finally go to one of theirs.  It was also nice to hear that they think Ii look well.  In fact a number of people said that today and it was again quite surprising that I hadn't worked out myself at the time how "ill" I'd looked.  It was mainly worry I think.  I look back at some of the photos of the time and I'd agree that I look drawn and tense perhaps.  The only bad thing about looking good is that I've really put on weight this year and so after Christmas (all calories in gifts are of course counted as zero) I am going to set out a new diet and exercise regime to loose a fair bit of weight.  Perhaps 2 stone if not a bit more if I can.  I would need 3 stone off to get to my fighting weight when I was as fit as a butchers dog but I doubt that is achievable these days.

It is interesting that no one actually told me that I looked ill though - or I don't think they did.  I'm just glad that I am beginning to get back to some resemblance of normal.  Also glad that I am beginning to look good again.  Gee I must have looked bad.

So how are you feeling?

Funny old day today - someone rang up and asked if I would be interested in a major role in the finance sector starting in the New Year.  It is attractive in a way but I think I'd never cope with the job past the 12 to 18 months it would take me to set it up.

I've been thiking about this 18 month thing and it is very rare that I have ever worked on a contract for much longer that that.  I get bored with routine and if there are no problems to solve or processes to fix I really find it a bit of a chore.

I feel a lot better than I have done for a while but still feel I'm pressurising myself too much to be well again and to be "back to normal".  I doubt that I ever will actually be "back to normal" though.  It was interesting talking to one of my survivor friends yesterday that we now tackle other people's anger and displeasure with a rather simple but telling phrase.  "Well....." we may start the phrase  "nobody actually died did they?" That should tell you all you need to know about surviving cancer.  Do you know what?  It really is a result if nobody actually died.  

I'd like to inject people with the realism injection or the pragmatism injection.  Life really isn't to be taken THAT seriously and all some of these people do is just stress themselves up.  I don't suppose I help much using my pet phrase though :-)

Rib Tickler

This really made me laugh this morning.  Enjoy.

Not been around for a day or two

Yesterday it was the President's drinks party which was great - we then went on to a wine bar across the road.  I hadn't realised that the time had shot past and at about 11:30 we left and caught the 10 past midnight train home with one of the Bosses.  It was OK - I got in really late and went to bed (I think).

As is my way I mentioned some of my concerns to the Boss so he could mull them over in the next couple of weeks.  A good time was had by all but I didn't wake up this morning and eventually got in to work around 11.  I had a meeting with my other team and then got home about 9 this evening.

I am taking tomorrow off and the week leading up to Christmas.  Effectively I have 2 days work left to do although I will be working on Monday it will be pleasant as I am giving one of my talks.

Most of the Christmas / Birthday presents have arrived for Mrs. F.   A few are still to come.  I am pleased with my choices - I just hope she is too.

I need to do lots of things in these next few days including newsletters and all my Christmas Cards too.

I am looking forward to seeing my folks next week and then really getting into the swing of Christmas.

That was good

I enjoyed my evening out and got my Grand Rank Invested by Prince Michael of Kent. He is a nice guy and the meeting was over really quickly allowing us to have a beer and get in to dine early. In fact I was home a little after 9:40 which was pretty good and do not feel like I need a liver transplant as I didn't hit the booze as I remember a previous occasion when I helped carry back someone who had!

I'm certainly pleased about that. A number of presents have started to arrive here and suddenly I have realised that I did slightly overdo it but hey, if you can't splash out once in awhile?

I still have a lot of things to go through this week. One is a real stupid thing as one of my committee by sending an email to everyone instead of just me has undone most of the work I have done this year building up members of a network. I had to spend a lot of today doing quick repairs and will hopefully see him tomorrow and sort it out as the damage has set my work back by a couple of months!

Ho hum....

Lots to do this week still and more late nights. I am off to see my parents early next week and do some business too whilst I am there which will be nice as I get to see them before Christmas. It is a shame that they live quite so far away but they chose to move away (as did my brother) not me. It always makes me laugh that I'm the one not putting myself out when I haven't moved house or gone anywhere :-) families can be quite funny I find!

Well - off to bed and getting ready for tomorrow's onslaught and the President's drinks party which last year - I turned up at - much to the surprise of my colleagues as they weren't expecting to see me.

My Big Day

Tomorrow - or later today in fact. I get my Grand Rank appointment (my first) and it looks as if it might be from Prince Michael of Kent himself (Grand Master).

I am pleased that I will have two good friends along to see me get my honours and to attend the banquet afterwards.

I am looking forward to the honour itself and perhaps, if I am lucky, it will be the first of many.

It was a year ago today that I had the aborted operation and the commencement of what can only be called some of the worst months of my entire life, so ill was I. I am hoping that it is not some sort of omen :-)

Time presses on - I ought to get off to bed early as I have a big day ahead of me and it already past midnight!

Sunday Shopping

Thank goodness for the internet.  I was able to sit at my PC and shop for stuff for most things and yet there were a couple of items from big companies that need good old fashioned visit the store which is a bit difficult.

I then turned my mind to my annual newsletter and found that hardly anything has actually happened this year.  Now that sounds strange because I've had two clears in the year and I am feeling better and better as time goes on but in reality I haven't done much this year and I haven't got a lot to show for it but that's OK it just shows you that you can never be satisfied.

I suppose that a lot has happened in terms of where I was this time last year.  I have now made a note that next year I need to do some more things with my time....

Freshen Up

I have changed the blog colour scheme - no real reason except it feels that today was a good day for me - Steve;s news brightened up the day of course.  I managed to get most (not all) of my Christmas Shopping done but I didn't make a start on my Newsletters or Christmas Cards which are now a priority.

I managed to organise my music and back up disks and generally pottered around in my office.  L is off to France for the day tomorrow and we are off to see friends in the afternoon but have to get back to pick L up.  

I have a very busy set of weeks coming up.  On Tuesday I will get my Grand Rank invested at Great Queen Street.  I am looking forward to that very much.  I am completely loaded up with meetings, parties and other events which will culminate on the 18th with the office party - I will then take the week off before and after Christmas.  I need to rebuild my sense of humour and get ready for the New Year.  Where this year has gone I couldn't tell you.  This time last year I was getting ready to go into Hospital and that is when it all kicked off with the cancelled Op followed by the Op from hell a few days before Christmas and the 6 week illness after that.  I will be glad to see the end of 2009.

2010 I hope will bring back some fitness and a return to my previous levels of stamina!!

Fantastic News

Steve in the US has had another clear and so that means no more BCG for him which I can tell you is a massive relief. I hardly dared to look at the blog tonight or my email but chanced a peek and saw this great news. So well done Steve and another weight lifts from off your shoulders.

Someone told me not long ago (they didn't tell me at the time!) how rough I really looked and then the difference in me after I had got a 2nd or 3rd clear. "You were no longer grey and gaunt/strained" or words like that.

It is such a relief and a huge lift in your whole demeanour.

Written with a big grin all over my face as I am just so pleased to hear this news.

3rd December - Judgement Day in Utah

Well, despite all my own problems I am concentrating on Steve in Utah who goes to see his Doctor tomorrow - 3rd December 2009 for a Poke and Peek, Flexible Cystoscopy to see how things have progressed.

Despite his own positive attitude and regime to beat this - I bet he is feeling, as I always do, some trepidation about the outcome. Such is the nature of our particular disease that it works on a number of levels. Statistics state that it can come back but in general those statistics are based on much older respondents that Steve or myself. Cancer plays with your head and so you actually have your brain (which is meant to be on your side) running every scenario you can ever imagine and - as far as I can tell it never has chosen the actual outcome or even been that near.

I imagine that sleep isn't happening and despite well knowing that Steve has done everything possible to secure the correct outcome I bet there is a little niggle gnawing away somewhere.

Anyway, let's not dwell on those little demons and gremlins that our brains store up for us. Let's make a worldwide wish that his procedure brings the best Christmas present you can get - no more treatment and a BIG signpost that says Recovery Ahead, Take this Route....

Catching up with me

I was tired yet again today and almost fell asleep at my desk for the 2nd time in as many days. I'm sort of OK but I will get to bed early tonight and see if I can't defeat this.

Most of my work is done and today was a matter of getting my article out and other elements of tidying up desk and getting ready for next year's onslaught starting in January.

I have some days off to take which I must sort out, sort out my invoices and a few talks which I will be giving in a week and a bit's time.

The crazy thing is that I just have hardly anytime between now and Christmas to get sorted out I am out on a number of days. Crazy!

Much Better

Just click to make it larger - not that either of us needs to be much larger of course!!

There will be a better picture soon

This is Flocky and a Dived Ref in full flight as the Blues Brothers. It is amazing that people actually thought we rehearsed it but we just like the film so much that we kind of went with the music.

So enjoy Jake (Flocky Bicep) and Elwood (A Dived Ref)

Did we have a good time or what?

Recuperation

Was the goal for today. I needed to get up late (mission accomplished), relax (managed to do that too) and get to bed early (totally failed at that).

I had a really good night on Saturday I haven't done that for years.

Off to bed now and let's see how the week pans out. I need to do some sorting out this week for my diary for December as it looks pretty full already.

Thoughts for this week are for Steve in the US who will have his poke and peek on Thursday and so prayers, crossed fingers and all good karma to be focused over there for the 3rd December. If clear - no more BCG treatment. Also keep a thought out for my friend JM over here. I saw him Friday and he had some serious issues with the initial TURBT as they managed to get him bleeding and had to reenter and sort it out. The scan was inconclusive but no spreading to the Lymph nodes which is good. Wishing JM all the best as he has another scan and a poke and peek too soon.

Awesome Flocky - Just Awesome

A word that I use very infrequently.  Flocky Bicep and I turned up to our Lodge Ladies' Night normally attired and then changed into Jake and Elwood - the Blues Brothers.  Flocky got the hats and they were exactly what we needed.  

We came on and did a cameo set for about 3 or 4 minutes and then I did my Disk Jockey bit for about an hour.  It really took me back and despite all the effort that went in, it was still a real buzz finding tracks to get people dancing.  Now I can remember why I used to get such a kick out of it when I was younger.  In those days we were well practised in the art of getting everyone up dancing, changing tracks to suit moods etc.  This time it was difficult as I had a much wider audience.  I did cheat and put on an 80/90s record to get them dancing.  We did really well as I had recorded enough music to last 4 weeks and used just one hour of that - which is a shame as so much was geared to the people there.

I am going to sleep well tonight.  We finished at 1 am and it is 1.35 now - I did a long set and then loads of dancing in character so I should have no problem in falling asleep and I may not be too fast getting up in the morning.

I really did let my hair down tonight and got stuck in to try and ensure everyone had a good time.  I am absolutely whacked out as we did the routine at the start and  carried on dancing until we finished.  PHEW!!!

I have really enjoyed myself tonight and I'm really glad that we had a good number to enjoy the evening with us.   I am not sure if  Flocky and I will ever make it as entertainers but we did try our best!

An interesting day

Well the evening was as I was out with my Nephew and I really enjoy an evening listening to him and having a bit of a laugh about work and goodness knows what else.

Work was - well - boring but the drudge is almost over as the documents are so near complete that I can hear them saying "print me".

I must sort myself out and get away from work for a while before I scream and do something stupid! I am likely to do that and self-destruct if I have to take any more brain numbing, pedantic semantic, committee driven nonsense.

In fact if I work this properly I can complete most of my outstanding work by mid December. Then there are the rounds of parties to attend but I can probably do that this year. Lat year I was going into Hospital (or wasn't) whatever the case maybe. Then I ended up not getting back to work until February!!!!

I am still working away getting ready for my Gig on Saturday as DJ Dave dididando or whatever they are going to call me. It will be a BIG nostalgia trip but I now realise that I have produced at least 30 hours worth of tracks for a 1 1/2 hour slot!!! Doh.

I find that I am quite moved by listening to some tracks that I haven't heard for 25 or more years though. Some of the tunes brought memories flooding back to me of my young, care free days. Ahhhhhh. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Pitiful

It really is crazy and I finally got to sort out some odds and ends of work today that have been hanging about but even so the titivating about was just pitiful as the odd change here and there actually cause the rest of the story to read wrong and then you have to make more changes and before you know it you are back to the article and story you first had.

Luckily it is almost over and done with for this year bar the shouting - in 4 weeks time (yes just 4 weeks) it will be the last day at work although I might just take longer off again.

I am so tired too but I think it is boredom and utter frustration that are doing this - work is just a drudge at the moment and whilst I am sure it will get better in the New Year I'm still not certain that I can continue to numb my brain like this for long periods of time. It isn't built for it.