Diet, No Alcohol - going alright

 Feeling OK after over a week of doing this now.  Appetite is good, some weight lost - apparently my face looks thinner and definitely some gone off my waist I can see and feel it.  I don't know how much as I'm not measuring this time.

The money I'd spend on beer has gone towards some nice food that I'd not normally buy, Crab, Artichoke, Sun-Dried Tomatoes, Olives, Salamis (of all types) and so on.  I've just got to keep away from bread, beer and pasta which isn't too hard so far and I'm drinking plenty of carbonated water too.

I think I might have a beer on Tuesday with some friends or perhaps I'll see if the have the 0% Guinness which is pretty OK.  Has carbs in it for sure but at least I won't be pressurising my Liver too much.

I am looking at living wills today and lasting power of attorney for financial and health reasons.  I'd like to get these into place in case anything happens to me.  I'm an attorney for my business partner and for my mother.  They are legal documents that set out who you would like to make decisions on your behalf.  

It's complicated as I have two daughters and I'm living with my partner and I cannot quite reconcile the health element.  Who decides whether it's time for me to be moved to a home for example if I become incapable and trying to get an answer to that difficult question has delayed the process by 6 months so far as there's no willingness to address that possibility.  Many people don't want to face up to what could be inevitable. I'd rather spark the conversation now and draw up plans for it so they know what my wishes are.  I do not want to be a burden on anyone and I'm not sure the triumvirate are thinking practically at the moment.

I'm sure I can get them all to see the logic and practicality of this at some time in the near future.  I'm also looking at a funeral plan that just involves no real service, just a cremation and that's it.  If anyone wants to do anything else then they can but I don't want any fuss etc. 

There's Something Strange Going On

 I don't know about you?  I used to find that things happened and whilst I might have been p1ssed off about it, I moved on and found the next thing that p1ssed me off?  I found that I dwelt on things in my head, I'm an INTJ, that's what we do but some time ago I worked out that these things were very damaging to my well being.  They lived rent free in my head but I didn't go around spouting this stuff off to random people.

There's lots going on out in the weird world.  Today I came across someone who was convinced that people reminiscing about the late Queen's appearance at the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony was all about Brexit.  That happened - I don't know, what six or more years ago?  It's a bit like people who don't like Donald Trump.  He's actually been the elected leader of the USA.  To hear people here in the UK say stuff like he's an idiot or stuff like that is just strange as you don't get to be the President if you are an idiot, oh wait, Joe Biden, OK I'll take that all back LOL.

It's this calling names, yelling vitriol and judgemental world we live in these days.  Social media doesn't really help with everyone jumping in, making absurd comments, unjustified accusations and in many cases perverting the course of justice.  Something happens and the great unwashed become judge and jury, condemning someone based on a 30 second piece of mobile phone (there's always a bloody mobile phone) footage!  

Social media shows its side of the story and everyone jumps and accuses.  They aren't so quick to undo their actions when a little later some more facts come out, the damage is done.  Whilst I'm on the Social Media bandwagon, so much of it is contrived nonsense, no doubt TikTok or whatever is partially to blame but there's never a good deed done that doesn't go un-filmed from many angles?  When was the last time you were out and just happened to stick your phone onto HD Video mode and filmed a random stranger in the remote possibility they may do something nice to someone you don't know?  

The Brexit thing makes me laugh as it has been a long time now and people are still angry about a fully democratic vote that didn't turn out the way they wanted.  I've just felt the same where a new Government has been elected on around 30% of the vote with a huge majority and we now have a socialist party in place.  Now I remember the last one and it was pretty bad and cost me personally tens of thousands of pounds, they destroyed my first business with their taxes (I'm the sort of person who decided that I didn't want to litigate or fight, I just took the money and shut down the business and they had no taxes from me so at a stroke that's my personal tax, company taxes, NI and all of those - I used to pay my way but not after they stole it from me).  They destroyed my retirement savings and my shares were raided, as was my pension and savings and people have very very short memories.

We also forget that we, the people, have the power but we think that our MPs and the like do.  The late Tony Benn  (Labour party) developed five questions to the powerful – “What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?”

People are generally ignorant of how they could take back control and how to exercise their power but they are too busy not listening or learning to know how to do it. 

The Weaponisation Of Words In The MSM

I have often found that the language being used today as well as graphics are designed to confuse and obfuscate an ever more stupid populace.  People seem to have gone in to stupid sleepy mode.  No one questions things anymore for fear of being yelled at or worse almost assaulted.  I've had people yell to my face that I'm a racist, an unthinking bigot and so on all the while they are the ones exhibiting the sort of behaviour that is unwarranted in a truly free society! 

Weaponisation - so here there are people erasing or changing words to soften the message or harden it - based on how the think we should feel about it.  Today, removing the word "Illegal" when talking about Illegal Immigration for example.  Heatwave used to be for one or more weeks now it is a day of heat.  Unprecedented when most things have happened before like it.  Weather maps look like the fires of hell when it's 25 Degrees C.  Graphs that only show what they are trying to prove not a proper analysis.

The other one is this propensity to say things like 75% of 65 women agree.  which is something like 48%.  It's all bollocks again and the worst ones are figures for things like ur national grid which almost all of our demand was met by renewables when that's probably no where near possible.  We need every square metre of the country filled with Hydro, Wind and Solar to actually do that.  A look at the National Grid's own website shows that we import quite a lot of energy from the continent - we import our electricity and gas.

Heat Pumps are the way forward?  Well I got quoted close to £30,000 to change from my Oil Boiler to a heat pump  and the major costs were to do with upgrading everything to maybe perhaps get the thing to work properly in the UK!

What else?  How about just dumbing down the way that things are spoken of, The one that is "Interesting" is Islamophobia it's a nonsense what are you frightened of?  Phobias are not hatred, they are for example like my Claustrophobia it doesn't mean that I hate tight closed spaces, it means I'm frightened of them, arachnophobia means you don't like Spiders and most people are too afraid to hate them or even get anywhere near them.  These are lazy words, they are in themselves designed to be misinterpreted and feared.

As I said graphs are even worse, they only show you a little part of the argument  they support.  Climate Change is so hilarious.  It was hotter in the 1930s than it is now so when do you think the graphs start.  When they talk about historical data they never include the Roman or Medieval Warm Periods when it was warm enough to have vineyards right up to Newcastle in the north of England.  When Greenland was in fact a Green Land - so why are they doing this?  It's propaganda pure and simple, keeping you under their thumb and making you do their will.  

I can only fight my little area but fight we must as these people who claim to be in power are only there by our will and are meant to be working on our behalf.  Watching the creep of the Labour Party and what they are up to should send shivers down the spines of all working class people.  They will find out too late that they are the sheep in this equation and that the Shepherd and his Dog might be keeping them safe for now.  

That Was A Good Night

 Out with my school chums - known them all over 50 years.  Drank only 0% Guinness and my friend who had his heart operation too was drinking zero cider.  It's actually quite interesting as I suggested that I'd not been great these past 4 years and they too felt this.  We don't do things as often as we used to.  We stay at home more than go out now and we all sort of agreed that we weren't feeling "quite right" can't put your finger on it but not quite right.

I've planned to limit drinking right down now hence no actual alcohol last night at all.  The newer versions of 0% beer are OK and fill in nicely - you don't actually need to sauce yourself up to enjoy a good time.   

I'll be having a few beers in mid August when we are away but other than that, I am going to essentially go dry and cut out the beers and give my body a rest.  Since lock-down I've been constantly having one or two beers in an evening and frankly it can't be doing me any good.  I haven't had any beers now since last Friday and I only had those as I'd been working on my daughter's house in these high temperatures and came home, bought a six pack, had a shower and sat in the garden, with my neck fan on, enjoying some music and beers.

That's where I'll miss it I guess as that's when I associate one with the other.

I have to say that a long chat about our ailments and our various drinking habits (or not) has made me feel a lot better today, better than I have felt for a while.  That's good, I just need more of the same.  What I certainly don't need is the traffic App saying the road was clear when, in fact, it was totally closed last night Grrr.  I had to drive quite a way out of my way to get there and back!  Oh and pay the bloody ULEZ charge - I was probably only 500 yards into the zone!  

Still in Recovery

 I guess that's possible.  It's traumatic having Cancer no doubt about it.  I think I found the treatment the worst part in it all as that often seemed the harshest bit and the side effects weren't pleasant but I AM STILL HERE. That's important in this thinking.  

There's the physical stuff and the mental stuff, then there's the affect it has on those around you whether they say so or not.

I'm not my old self, not by a long way.  I'm far more emotional and not my good old logical self, although others may tell you otherwise as I still have my INTJ traits and so I'm good at those sorts of business situations that need thought and planning to get out of wherever there are problems.  I still do not suffer fools gladly and I still speak my mind.  I enjoy watching people of modern disposition cringe when they hear my views and they are forthright of course.  I know what I know and I also know what I don't know.  A lot of people are very surprised when I say that I haven't got a view on something.  If I have no interest in it, or I don't know enough about it, I don't comment other than to state that I don't know.  

I am though somewhat out of sorts at the moment.  I don't think the last 18 years or so have been easy for me at all.  My cancer, the loss of a great job, getting involved with a bunch of (I can't say crooks) utter idiots who failed to work out that in order to be millionaires you actually had to do some work for it and not rely on other people. Then the relationship breakdown, the house rental, the divorce, finding someone else and the uncertainty that brings when you've failed in the past how do you work on not screwing up again?  Suddenly you are walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around so as not to end up back where you were?

It's been very strange recently as I have gone back to being a bit of a hermit and not really wanting to go out and do stuff.  Saying that I am venturing out tonight to see some old school chums.  I've found recently that I hate London, I dislike driving, people drive like they are in an F1 Race!  The roads aren't all that nice and of course, like tonight I get £12.50 for driving just into the ULEZ zone - that's probably more than I'll spend on a couple of drinks!

I need to get out more and do more things, I know that but I also have to stop my head doing whatever it is doing at the moment and giving me such a hard time.  I know how to do it and I kind of understand what is going on but it really is hard.  Knowing what is happening is OK because you recognise these changes but dealing with it, well that's another matter entirely.

When does it get better I wonder?  I need to be relaxing and enjoying my retirement which I am not doing right now.   

A Vertigo Morning

 An occasional rough morning.  Quite groggy still (it's early afternoon). It felt like I hadn't eaten for a few days that sort of slight sickness of an empty stomach and then the dizziness hit me.  Yuck, I don't like the feeling at all, I had to entertain the grandson from quite early in the morning until after breakfast and then just went and sat down in my chair and dozed a little to try and work it off.

Sort of OK now, still a little heady and my right ear (for which I've had trouble all my life) is certainly misbehaving.  Probably it's that causing the dizzy spells.

Other than that, I have started to try and settle myself down a bit and to try some relaxing techniques.  I am not sure the CBD oil has actually helped me at all.  I thought I'd give it one more try and the jury's out on its effectiveness with me.

Do let's see how I get on, I'm due out tonight to see some friends.  I think I'll not actually drink anything and in fact I'm erring on the side of keeping away from alcohol for a while.  I like a beer at the end of a day but I think I need to give it a rest for a while and see what happens.

Fighting the pain body still although not as bad as it was last week and the vivid dreams are no longer with me and I'm hoping that these give me a rest too.  It's difficult when you are fighting your own brain FFS.  It's certainly no use looking back at what might have been as nothing can be done about that no matter how much you wish for things to be different.

I've now got to tackle expectations too really as I had plans for a future that haven't materialized and those too, are totally out of my control and whilst you might like to think you are in control, I doubt that any of us truly are.  

Nothing Doing - Tired & Emotional

 Bloody hell!  I'm not my usual self and haven't been for a couple of years possibly 4 years - I'm sure that the lock-down sh1t didn't help my well being at all.  The way so many people just let a bunch of bureaucrats dictate what they could and couldn't do showed me another side of humanity and the collective sheep like reaction of most people.

I said it before that the Top Bloke Whitty had already been at his College explaining all about it and it wasn't dangerous to the vast majority of people.  Once I'd seen the video and digested all the facts he laid out the only people I felt worried for was those who were outlined as vulnerable and that wasn't me or about 95% of the population.

So that's one thing.  Then there's the amazing vaccine - developed for a Coronavirus (a cold) in 10 days and magically a number of companies all came up with it around the same time!  No one questioned it - some people I know are 6 shots down and without irony tell me they've caught Covid again?

What else is getting me down?  General nastiness and this current selfish attitude it goes from everything from how people treat each other whether driving, in the shops, online (it's disgraceful), forcing their views on others, doing things that they wouldn't like done to them and this victim culture is so bad at the moment.  We have people of notoriety saying they have PTSD because they were treated bad on a TV show for which they were paid handsomely and seemed to me to want to be competitive but suddenly, when they didn't get what they want, they are the victim of some one using "hurty words" or perhaps something equally awful.  I mean PTSD.  I know soldiers who have witnessed stuff that we, as civvies, could never understand or imagine.  They actually do have PTSD.  Getting shouted at because you are stupid does not qualify you for that.

I mentioned some years back that I had a sort of PTSD - not knowing quite how to describe surviving Cancer and more so the treatments, perhaps I can claim that it is something  like that.  The shock to your system, the "survivor" syndrome, the impact of Immunotherapy on your body and the worry about whether you will live or die (I had two young girls at the time - now grown up) was also uppermost in my mind.  

So that is just ridiculous and it really shouldn't worry me but I despair for humanity the way they act and behave these days. The lack of empathy for people and the taking sides in conflicts is another thing.  Listen to the arguments made for any conflict in the world and these days no one talks about peace, they take sides and fight proxy wars with our money and other people's lives.

I should like to stop thinking about these things and should do so.  Too many things are occupying my thoughts and I'm not just getting on doing what I'm doing.  

Sunday, a day of rest.

 I appear to be doing a lot of resting - having said that I spent a day at my daughter's helping her husband doing odd jobs on their new house.  Bless them, I remember well having to try and sort out major DIY work whilst working out what to do with the children.  Once I sent them away on holiday whilst I installed the kitchen - I did remarkably well, installing it all, including the tiling and making good, I then set off at 3 am the following Sunday morning and arrived by 9 to grab breakfast with them all.

It was a great drive to Wales - with very little traffic and in the darkness I could go at reasonable speeds through to where we were staying.

I'm still getting these flash back memories of things and I'm not sure why that's happening.  I grabbed some CBD bits but I don't think they help me at all in fact I think they make me worse really. 

You shouldn't regret things I think.  They just happened and that's it.  I found myself thinking, not obsessively, about the lady I met all too briefly 11 years ago and it couldn't have been, I think I knew that.  Circumstances were such that it couldn't have worked out for her.  I'd have given it all up but that's life as they say.  So my mind is playing tricks on me and I never truly forget about her - it may be months between these flash backs and I know it's just my ego / pain body trying to get attention.  I suppose I have to content myself with knowing that in another parallel universe we are together and we are happy.   

When I move on from that, other things occupy my mind and this battle is going on constantly and whilst I understand what's going on, I find it tiresome and a little annoying that I can't get out of the rut I'm in and move on doing something.

Retirement has sort of left a hole in life.  Circumstances too, in a way, do not help.  I've gone in on myself again and the thought of going to London for example fills me with dread.  The city I loved working in is a mess now.  I again recall how amazing it felt.  Late night London, perhaps raining, the lights in the houses observed from my train home. Taking the slow train as it wouldn't be too crowded, wondering what was behind each lit window and house, how they were warm and watching TV or listening to music and I was on the late train after a late evening at work a few beers with the team.  Things felt so different, quite alive back then.  I don't get those alive feelings much these days.  

By that I mean that there are certain times in life (maybe you can recollect them) where you were suddenly at one with your surroundings.  As a young man recently moved from London I recall walking on a summers afternoon towards home past houses on a typical suburban road and noticing the smell of the Privet Hedging, in bloom, the sun just felt right, warming the whole of my body, I could hear the bees and insects buzzing about, the sky was blue, and the air was warm to breathe.  Everything connected.  It happens less these days.  I struggle to find the peace and beauty that are there and then I try too hard to make those moments happen, concentrating on the wrong thing trying to focus too much, you just have to let these things happen.

The last time I truly felt alive was 11 years ago with the lady I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.  Maybe that's what I miss, how she made me feel?  How glorious was that summer?  The feelings were amazing, very real, magical and very special to me.  I wonder if you need love to make you feel that way or whether it is just to reconnect with nature and switch your brain off for a while.

Those who know me probably understand that switching my brain off would be very difficult for me.  Anyway, there you are, it's a lazy ish Sunday but I need to work on unplugging my brain for a while and to  stop regretting things for it shouldn't be a regret, it was wonderful, glorious, amazing and special.  Thinking of it that way cheapens the rest of my life and achievements though. 

A Neck Fan

Honestly, who'd have thought you'd want or need such a strange device?  Well, I saw someone with one and heard them saying how good it was and as luck would have it, on Amazon Prime day, for less than a tenner they delivered these amazing neck fan thingies.

They last about 6 hours on low - you probably don't need it up too high as it's like being out in a gale.  They lightly blow air up across you neck.  The only downside is that the air moving past your ears means you are aware of them sound-wise.  However, in the recent few days heat and humidity they are really rather good.  It's nice to have a small flow of air up your neck and the sides of your face.  They take about 2 hours to charge up off of a USB.

So there you go, another thing you never thought you'd want or indeed need turns out to be really useful especially in my little pokey office which can get a bit on the warm side.  

At Last, British Justice System

Sometimes I despair at the light "sentences" given out to wrong doers.  Some people steal thousands, get to pay back a £1 and get a slapped wrist.  That sort of thing.  It looks as if you can go steal anything you want up to the value of £200 and get a caution if indeed they find you.   

Just Stop Oil protesters have been given sentences of 4 and 5 years for bringing the M25 London Orbital Motorway to a standstill for about 4 days on and off.  The wet liberals protest this saying that they are exercising their right to free speech?????  Huh, free speech is exactly that, your right to say what's on your mind and generally, in these cases, make a bloody fool of yourself when challenged.  However, making people late for funerals, delaying an ambulance and the patient dying, thousands and thousands of wasted car journeys as people were stuck on the motorway, people missed flights home and missed Hospital Appointments, Cancer Treatments and so on.  How is that free speech?

These idiots, for I know no other word to describe them, are the sort of soap dodging scum who feel that it is right to force the rest of us to join their cult.  For a cult it is.  They all look the bloody same and they all spout bollocks freely like "Climate Justice"  "Stop all oil now" as they wear their oil by product clothes live in heated houses and actually, when you look deeper, run around in mummy and daddy's Range Rover SUV.  F*****g hypocritical slime bags.

You see what I did there?  I used my right to free speech to say what I felt :-)  I felt no need to block the road and stoop everybody going about their own business.  

So the other hilarious thing is my right not to hear or read what they say.  They also don't get that I have a right not to listen to them, not to engage, not to give a flying f**k what their point of view is either.  It drives them wild that you might block them on Social Media - watch the outrage and bed wetting melt downs of these insignificant half wits.  It really is fun to watch them explode with rage, they must have so much pent up aggression, poor dears.  I'm sure it will shorten their worthless petty lives too all that pent up stress, poor luvvies.  

Anyway, they can have a long hard think about things in prison and I imagine that when they are asked what their crime might have been there may be a little retribution.  Who knows one of the inmates might have got caught due to the M25 being blocked?    Perhaps one of their relatives was badly affected by their actions?  At least they'll be given soap and water and nice prison clothes (a by product of oil).  I imagine that they'll be a little disappointed at the Vegan options available and they made need Tarquin to smuggle in some Tofu or some such stuff.  I hope that they will have the decency not to have warm food or use central heating provided and that they will only use horse hair blankets and so on.  

Finally, no slapped wrist, five year (they'll only serve half for good behaviour) something that sends a message to stop pissing us off and affecting us with your inane climate bollocks.  You'll have yourselves a captive audience in Prison to tell your cultist theories to.  Good luck with that though, I imagine they'll shove your solar panels up where the sun don't shine!  

We, the general public, don't like these people ruining our lives and finally it looks as if the Courts agree.  About time I say, about bloody time. 

We Have Delivered Your Parcel

 After looking at the Proof of delivery picture that they now take I can say that emphatically you have delivered my parcel, I can see the logo clearly on the box.  The only problem being that it isn't my house at all. It's someone else's house.  My house is the on a road uniquely the only one of its name in the UK!  

Normally I don't have problems getting stuff but this time it's obviously gone wrong and these things happen and they happen rarely but trying to report it is a nightmare.  It (they have an AI Bot) sends you to a set of web pages that you go around and around in until you end up back where you started from.  What's the point in that? I've had to email my supplier to see if they can help to let them know as I'm blowed if I can.

So - another crap application by customer service and their developers.

This hot on heels of signing up for an online retailed offering discounts and free delivery.  So I have to register, no problem there and I go to search for the stuff I want when this FO intrusive pop up arrives asking me what I think about the experience.  Dear reader, I let them have both barrels - what a bunch of idiots.  Why not wait until after I had completed my very first order and interaction with them?  Then I would have known what the experience was like - I think I said that in a more robust and Anglo Saxon sort of way.

And my lovely neck fan has arrived courtesy Amazon Prime Day.  I don't know if you've seen them, they sit around your neck and blow air on to your head, not your face.  It's great, has three speeds, nice, powerful and a setting like a little tornado :-)  I find that I get quite hot in the office and my big chiller / cooler is located upstairs in the bedroom - it's heavy and so not exactly portable - this is lightweight and very good indeed.  It just takes away the overheating feeling I get quite often (more so since my treatment).

God Help Us All

 State opening of Parliament. King's Speech, good God.  Nationalization - again.  Jeez the cost to us the Tax payer.  Not just that, we aren't going to explore for more oil, why should we we can just import it!  Surely they'll give us a good price for it?  Wait until you see the reserves that Argentina have now discovered, we will be a third world country in no time the way we are heading.  

I've yet to hear that they will probably borrow more money to pay off our debts.  Those are in the trillions of £ss now.  Net Zero add £3.2 Trillion at latest estimates. That is approximately £47,760 per person in the UK.....  

Some of the other stuff is as barmy and head in the clouds as this too.  Oh well, we didn't actually proportionally vote this lot in but we get the leaders we deserve.  There will be a lot of people who thought these guys were the real deal who will end up a lot poorer because of their ill advised policies.  Live and Learn, live and learn.  

What's The Point

Yes, What's The Point of advertising in the local social media outlets and then not responding to an inquiry?

I need some work done to my wall and generally around the house - I can do brick laying and repairs but this is a little larger than I am used to doing.

I had someone quote me and I accepted the quote, they never got back despite following up from me.

Latest, another bricklayer looking for local work and I've sent the spec off.  Not a sausage, nill, nada, niet!

The gates which I ended up doing myself were either going to cost a King's ransom (more than a new car) or no one turned up to price them or they turned up and then didn't quote for them.  

Kinder, Nicer

 Espoused by politicians and "celebrities" (persons of notoriety more like) who tell us we should be nicer (hate that word) and kinder.  Well, they're the very opposite of what they say they are.  I've never seen so much hypocrisy as we see these days.

President (or is it ex President - I don't know the protocol) was almost assassinated and there are people wishing it had been successful!!!!  What planet are these people on?  Politicians had already said bad stuff about what should happen to him.  Then there's Pelosi who if I recall had wished actual bodily harm on him.  Now it's not confined to the US, it's everywhere.  Whether or not you like or dislike someone is your own business.  To spout off about hoping that they are injured or die is horrendous.  In recent years we've had two MPs murdered and the general disregard for people's lives is horrific.

So called celebrities are the same.  Sports people, Actors (who make a living pretending to be something they are not), musicians and TV commentators (the funniest experts have to be those who appeared on Love Island or Made in Chelsea or some such).  These people set themselves up as social commentators and they are full of vitriol and hate.  I'm surprised that with all the bile inside their bodies they don't melt away from all the acid in their bodies.  The spit out hatred and normalise behaviour which is unacceptable in modern society.  

I am making a conscious effort to stay away from Social Media and the TV as it really is poisonous stuff.  No one debates anymore, it's all yelling until you yell loud enough to drown out the opposing view and impose yours on them/us.  It's a bit like these pressure groups representing less than a quarter of 1% of the population who block roads, damage art work and disrupt our lives trying to force their ideals on to us.  Just Stop Oil, why don't they go to Saudi and stop the production?  Perhaps go to India or China and complain.  The trouble is they don't actually know what they are asking and they, when questioned are as thick as sh1t about what stopping oil would mean to their own lifestyle let alone trying to impoverish the rest of us.  Go live on an island with no oil for a year and see how you get on.  The other ones were the Vegans - throwing perfectly good food away and wasting it.  Now I know a couple of Vegans and whilst they are always happy to tell you all about it ad nauseam they realise that I do not subscribe and I realise that without me eating meat, there wouldn't be any vegetables to feed the animals I devour!  

There's nothing stopping an individual being just that, individual,  If you want to live in a cave with rough clothing and just wood for fuel as you don't want oil or oil based products, off you go, I won't stop you, it's your life choice but it is not mine, stop trying to force me to do things that you wont do yourself and then prove to me by discussion and example how good it is for me.  I reserve full rights to do exactly what I want with my life.  Same with Veganism, Vegetarianism, Pescetarianism etc that's fine by me, do whatever you want to do.

There are no limits to what you can and cannot do within the law.  Do it but don't drag me along with your fantasies.  Likewise don't foster hatred and division.  You start to normalise that sort of behaviour and you start to get to the breakdown in civilization and the smashing down of social norms.  It isn't OK to go around inciting or delivering violence.  It isn't normal by any means to force your views on others or try and change the natural law to accommodate your cult, religion, misogyny, cruelty, bizarre fetishes, criminal behaviour and so on.  

I like to think I'm pretty tolerant and nowadays I just isolate myself from all of this nonsense as I know that it poisons my mind and I actually feel uncomfortable with "humans" acting and voicing their opinions which do not in anyway reflect how one ought to behave in civilized society.  Of course, that's my opinion and I'm allowed to have it.  I suppose everyone should have their opinion but when it comes to physical violence and threats, forcing change on people who don't want it and coercive control the line has been stepped over.  Celebrating someone's death or wanting it and saying it out loud?  Well should we accept that or not?

No matter what you think of someone there's often two or more sides to an argument.  Shouting and wishing harm on another person is not exactly a good basis for discussing the bigger picture and shows a lack of compassion, a lack of value of human lives and a closed mind unable to accept that other people too have a mind of their own, their opinions and they too need to be heard.

Global Warming My Arse

 It's around 17 Degrees C outside and it's summer!  It's hypothermia weather and I hear people are switching their central heating on.  Our idiot Energy Secretary has just banned future oil exploration and we are now importers of energy not exporters like we used to be.  Of course, he doesn't understand that we actually need to use cheap oil and gas to keep the lights on and to produce stuff!  He's betting everything on wind and solar!  Today there's little solar about especially at night and it's barely blowing a stiff breeze either.  But that's OK because we are getting our electricity from France, Belgium, Denmark, the Netherlands and Norway Here's an overview https://grid.iamkate.com and https://www.gridwatch.templar.co.uk .

I like that they still use words like Renewable and yet the glass fibre blades are not renewable and lay buried in the ground in landfill and the crap chemicals in solar cells and plastic etc - well you get the picture.  It's bollocks.

And here's the thing.  I was trying to explain that the only reason we can live at these latitudes is because of burning fuels.  Try living as we humans evolved, you know, in caves, without clothes and you'll find that without modern day heating and energy sources, you are going to die from exposure.  Try sleeping out at night with just an animal skin to keep you warm and you'll probably see how unsustainable it is.  It was a lot warmer 90 years ago than it is now.  It's been a lot warmer and a lot colder over the past 1000 years too.  Just ask yourself what the Roman and Medieval Warm periods were about, why Greenland was named as such and what the Little Ice Age was all about.  No one can actually tell you if the Romans driving their SUVs actually changed the climate but when they were here they were growing grapes right up to the Scottish border.   How did that occur it was comfortably a few degrees more than it is now, so it has happened before.  The Medieval Warm Period too. 

It's all a money making scam and no one apart from those who aren't affected is in agreement.  If you have your own resources it's best to use them.  We sit on coal,oil and gas fields that would allow us to grow our economy and lift many out of poverty but no, the silly buggers at Westminster are rushing us to the bottom trying to go green and zero carbon.  It was sold as being cheap renewable - so cheap it must have trebled in price by now if not quadrupled.  

Why do they not see that this is just crippling us?  They just don't care and they are too stupid to look at the consequences, there is no Plan 'B' they have gambled on this hook line and sinker.  The crippling cost modestly evaluated is £3.2 Trillion.  Trying to put that into some perspective would be that one million seconds is 11 Days. One billion seconds is 31 Years. One trillion seconds is 31 thousand, 710 years.

Good God what are these people smoking or drinking.  FFS! 

Here are those flashbacks again

 Spooky,   I've been doing some gardening - well jungle control more like it and I've come indoors and the smell of the grass (and weeds) on my clothes and the sunny weather (for a change) flashed back to my first garden with the Ex.  It was massive and despite us both working full time we were able to tend it - it had plums, apples, pears, elderberries, damsons, cherries and then other fruit like raspberries, black, red and white currants, rhubarb.  Three huge lawns at the back and two smaller ones at the front.  We grew vegetables and we kept it really nicely.

The flashback was actually, having finished mowing the lawn and sitting back a little hot, sweaty and smelling of grass and the garden having a cup of tea.   Things weren't so bad back then we worked our backsides off, did full time jobs, overtime, looked after the garden, and everything else.  Life was simpler, we made jams and wine and cakes and froze so much produce for use later.

Happy days.  Interesting these flash backs to these times.  The brain is associating smell particularly with good times and those moments in time that were special.  When you were in the present moment if you like.

I really need to get myself back to being appreciative of Now, the Present and not to be elsewhere. 

 

The Lack Of A Moral Compass

Maybe it is me but I see so many rude, ignorant and self righteous, vile people these days.

The standards have dropped and good manners are rarely encountered.  Plenty of examples but I find the way people drive aggressively,  have no patience, no self awareness and so on is concerning.  Quite why this should be I do not know.  Lack of an old fashioned 'values based' up bringing, ill discipline at home and school.  A society where everything is handed to people on a plate, increase in overall wealth (you are considered poor if you don't have Mobile Phone etc).

I am trying to deal with it without resorting to sarcasm (very difficult for me is that) or just plain pointing it out to them.  So I prefer to not react these days.  Many years ago I would have wanted to point out the errors of their ways but who's to say that I am right and they are wrong and in each of these confrontations there's a loser so why provoke things further?  I tend not to react and in many cases ignore things.  In the narrow country lane where we live people are in such a hurry.  When I see someone coming toward me in their car at high speed.  I just pull my car over and stop and wait for them to decide what they want to do.  If they slow down then I can work out how to let them pass.  Generally that works - it isn't worth trying to force them to do anything, they have to arrive at their own decision.  Walking down the street and it's crowded and someone is walking straight at you expecting you to move out of their way.  Again, these days I just stop dead and let them make a decision, I'm a big guy and so if you want to walk into me, that's your decision.  I like the way that they look when they don't get their way.

Pushing in, not saying please and thank you. jostling you, being generally ignorant, offending shop worker and others.  

When I was much younger I would probably have tackled this stuff head on but now, that's not an option.  Sometimes you have to let karma deliver in other ways.  It's nice when you get to see it happen though isn't it?   

Testing Testing Testing

The App we have been working on is almost ready - hopefully a final test in August and we can go live in September.  That's the iOS version with the Android to follow.  I looked back and the last time I had testing was 2019.  It's been a ridiculously long haul for what it is but almost there now just a few things to iron out and we can hopefully release it out to the world and see how it goes.  No matter how many times I try and stop people changing their minds, they still do and this is a direct result of changing the spec when the job was almost completed - we were in public test and this interfering chap suggested a change.  It was working perfectly well without it.  SO here we are thousands of pounds and 5 years later getting back towards something we already had but with a couple of pretty lines on it.  

It's been a testing time for me too recently.  I am not 100% sure what is going on but I am restless and not particularly happy with the way things are.  I suppose there's nothing unusual there.  I getting old which I didn't think it would, perhaps it troubles me is more accurate.  When you cannot do the things you used to do and physically I have jobs to do here that as a youngster I'd do in my spare time.  I've got brickwork to be re pointed and that sort of work and these days, I don't have the physical ability to do one or two days hard labouring type work.  If you've ever raked out and re pointed a wall then you'd probably guess that the strain on your back and knees will make for plenty of aching and the like for weeks after.

I'm fighting the inner demons, the what if... this had happened.  What if.... you were still in that situation and so on.  The Book of Regrets but I know that I am here, in the present and none of that can happen it's just the pain body and the ego having free rent in my head.... and yet.... what if :-) Tantalising and torturing at the same time.  

Whats and ifs and maybes don't cut it of course.  But try telling my brain that - it's fighting the good fight in there and the emotions versus the logic fights continue.  

Even Longer Day

 The UK road network feels like one continuous building site.  We were going to Amberley Museum in West Sussex it's near Arundel way a typical 2 hour run across country from us normally.  We were within a few miles when the traffic stopped and we spent an hour moving around 2 miles!  Yet it wasn't the only set of roadworks we encountered and around our way they've really had a brain melt and a major resurfacing job is going on but if you try and avoid the area you are hit with, yet more roadworks.

It's a bloody mess frankly and some spotty planning clerk has completely screwed this up.  A bit like yesterday, there's the Goodwood Festival of Speed going on and the A27 was paralised and just to add insult to injury it was closed later as they found some old munitions (possibly WW2) and had to get the bomb squad over to dispose of them with a controlled explosion!

Getting home was slightly quicker but the M23 and M25 were almost at walking pace.  Again roadworks, miles of them and how many workmen did we see in the snails pace progress.  Not one.

We saw some pretty awful driving though and the one car that I wanted my dash-cam to pickup was the moment the dash-cam decided to go to sleep for 10 minutes!   

Anyway, it's a nice place and lovely people there.  There's a museum of electrical stuff - I was in my element as was this chap who volunteers there.  Gosh we must have been chatting for about an hour - such great things to see and reminisce about - stuff that was going out of use when I was a lad were there and my word, they had some Tesla Coils there and a whole load of electrical things going back to the earliest vacuum cleaners, TVs and Radios, plugs, lamps, even carbon element ones, valves,, switching gear, generating gear and so on.  Amazing. They even had a Mercury Arc rectifier which changed AC to DC using a huge glass vessel with mercury in it.  Seeing these working when I was a lad was absolutely amazing.  

I worked at a certain large Palace in London and back in the day they had 6 of these (much larger than the one on display) in a special room.  I can only imagine they were removed and given to a museum somewhere.  The Mercury inside them would weigh a hell of a lot, a couple of bucket loads in each I'd say and would be pretty valuable.

There were displays of the various meters we used to use.  Gosh what a nostalgia trip for me.  My dad would have loved it as he would have been just that little bit older and have actually worked with these amazing pieces of engineering. 

What a long day

 We were testing the App and it's coming along fine but we had to re-code one of the songs.  It means entering the notes and lyrics, direction changes and so on one by one into this database to allow the App to just interpret the information and draw the notes and so on.  Clever stuff but the last time I did this was in 2019!  SO it was a bit of a steep relearning curve.  We got there in the end.

It's looking great and working well.  The usual odd issues with things not looking like they should can be easily ironed out.  My business partner and I are pleased despite the fact that we are 6 years later than we should be.  I hope we will get this launched this year perhaps in 6 to 8 weeks.  We could do with that so we can start to recoup our investments.

Testing is always tedious as you have to go line by line and watch out for things that you might otherwise overlook.  I'm used to being a nit picking tester so I'm hoping that for me to only find a series of common faults and a few usability issues all looks remarkably good.  

It's tiring as you are using different parts of your brain to do this and it is intensely involved and needs concentration to ensure it is done right.  I could go to sleep right now but it is on 7 pm!

Procrastination - Slowly Slowly but progress is being made

I made a start on the office today and got rid of loads of paper.  I had lots of paper only used on one side so I've cut that up to use for scrap writing paper - I write a lot just to get it out of my head and do planning.  It works well and I find that I develop plans and think it through and then come up with something often quite different but more effective.

 So it's Elephant eating, you can only do that a bit at a time of course.  So a tidy up, a run over with the vacuum and shredded loads of old paperwork that is no longer needed.  It feels good and I don't need to over do it.  I can do this sort of three hours of effort and you can see a change, I can see the wood on my desk and lots of loose paper work, sat on the side to "do something with" has now been tackled and sorted out.  Yay for me!

I am going to continue to do small achievable tasks as it actually gets things done that you can see and measure.  It's no good trying to tackle the big stuff at the moment but that will come and it will be done bit by bit.  It's the only way.

I'm glad I made a start and also I had an incentive as my business partner is coming over tomorrow to do some work so the office is clean if not quite as tidy as I like.

Wow. People are strange

 I live in a narrow lane with passing places and we have farm vehicles up and down all day long plus delivery lorries for Oil, Septic Tank pumps and so on.  So when you come across one of these you wait unless you can get past.  Today my butcher is delivering, now he takes about a minute to drop off my supplies and there he is bagging up and I come out of the house and pick up bag one (of two) when a chap in a Range Rover decides that he is going to squeeze past the delivery van.

As he's doing that manoeuvre I thought to myself he's got to have room to do that, my car a big old Volvo would struggle and so a Range Rover would too.  As the butcher is handing over bag 2 his van lurches towards us and there's the telling sound of a bump and a scrape and the chap just drives off.  I mean he's caused a collision and you are meant to stop.  Luckily he had a light grey Range Rover and so I imagine it's got a least a big black bumper mark along the side or better still his car is dented across both doors it certainly seemed heavy enough to do that.

The butcher and I just looked at each other incredulously I mean who can't wait for a few seconds.  Well most of the people around here actually.  I've never knows such entitled stuck up entitled twats as we have here.  I hope he's got hundreds of pounds of damage.  The butchers van seemed to get off with just a scrape along the bumper.

Reminds me of when we were having our Kerosene delivered and I think it was around 1,000 litres so that takes around 5 minutes total to dispense.  A "young madam" in her sporty car, wearing her gym kit just kept blasting her car horn and then got out and came to the end of my drive in a real temper - "I'm late for my gym"  she was saying "How long is he going to be?" 

Of course, as I spoke to the driver I suggested that the louder the car horn the slower the delivery.  He smiled that knowing smile and then I realised that she would have to reverse her car so that the delivery lorry could go up the road and turn around.

People really are impatient, entitled and strange.  It takes a few minutes to wait, quite often you'll get thanked or a friendly wave.  Be an arsehole and things will take a lot longer than they should.

What a strange world we live in, I'm sure people are losing their sh1t more and more and they really don't need to. I suppose the other thing is these Townies living in the country and don't know how to act or react to normal every day life around here.

 

It's the end of the world as we know it

 The OH has a habit of leaving things (normally breakable things) towards the edges of shelves, surfaces like tables and worktops.  Occasionally I might clatter one of these.  So I managed to drop one of her cups, this time it was slippery and as I moved it to safety it shot out of my hand and broke.  These things happen.

Owning up to it you'd have thought that we were all going to die in a moment.  Complete drama and melodramatic going on.  So I suggested that as they inferred it always their stuff (not surprising as nearly all of it is very little of my stuff is left) that gets broken that I'd break one of my cups which I duly did outside on the patio.  Oh no that made things worse even though they said do it.

You can't bloody well win can you.  I have barely spoken to her since.  It's crazy behaviour what's wrong with people?  It's broken get over it.  When you're dead you can't take it with you FFS.  We have perhaps 100 mugs and cups in the house and she's worried about one getting broken.  I give up.  

How Long Will It Take?

 Hopefully not too long before the horror of the new Government dawns on people.  The Energy Minister will be looking to throw Trillions (yes that's correct) at "renewable" energy which was meant to be cheaper, more efficient etc etc and in fact is the diametric opposite.  Hey ho, as people see their bills go up, their taxes increase, pensions raided, insurance premiums increase and so on, then they will start to realise what's gone on here.  Sure punish the incumbents but to vote for more of the same but worse, what gets into people's heads?

I recall both the previous Labour Governments and so I'm pretty sure it will look all rosy and wonderful and then scratch off the thin coating on top and we will have a socialist nightmare to deal with.  Windfall taxes - on the companies that supply us with energy - I wonder who will end up paying for that then?  

I've almost had it with the majority of people who don't quite get it.  But, there you are, let's see what a mess these guys make of it.  Judging by the people appointed to Cabinet positions and the "quality" of them we will just get Mass migration on steroids now not a halt to it as we were promised and the Home and Foreign Secretaries will probably open our borders and at the same time get us involved in some one else's war too.

F*****g pathetic the lot of them.  As a pensioner now I see that they might be coming for me as I diligently saved for my retirement.  

Terminal stupidity plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose or perhaps the more that changes, the more it's the same thing : the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Our Election just returned more of the same and our electoral system allows this to happen when the winning party didn't get as many votes % than they did when they lost last time?  

Anyway, I don't get it.  It's going to be more of the same.  OK everyone wanted the Conservatives out but why vote in way that is actually going to make you worse off.  Does no one know that they are two cheeks of the same arse and the prices will continue to go up, taxes will increase and I have no idea how bad things will be in a year or two.  Oh well, there might be some eyes opened soon enough because the very people that voted these people in will feel the bite in their pockets quicker than those who didn't.

Let's see what the hell happens....Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Satisfaction In Life

 The Rolling Stones "I can't get no satisfaction" comes to mind.  I was thinking (dangerous I know) that I am going through that awful state once again of not being satisfied with what I have, wanting something different, regretting past missed opportunities especially in relationships at the moment.

There's nothing to suggest that any of those paths through life would have made me happier, richer, poorer, more satisfied and that's the reality of it all.  I am where I am and I should be happy with that but the ego is always trying to beat you up and take control.  It's pretty apparent to me that what I thought I wanted will not come to pass even if I win the Lottery or something else comes along that might change circumstances.

It's not easy at the moment as I feel disconnected from just about everything.

It's twelve years today since my Dad died.  Twelve years ago I was with my Ex and my daughters still lived with us.  It's been one hell of a ride since then.  Not sure why I'm not happy at the moment other than imposing unrealistic expectations and yearning for different outcomes to situations long ago in the past.  

I'll know tomorrow I think, it's my birthday and perhaps that will shake down any doubts I may have.  I'm deliberately leaving this vague as I think it is a sort of test that will leave me in no doubt what the lay of the land is.

Ear Worm Time

 So here is the song that's rattling around in my head over and over.

It's very personal to me indeed.  It sums it all up nicely but it's a lovely tune.  The trouble is it doesn't move things on it halts that process and conjures up the wrong thoughts.

However, do listen to it, it really is very good I think. 

Loss or Lack of Interest

 I've never really enjoyed certain things put on for "entertainment".  Sure I go to them normally if forced and in the main I tend to enjoy them.  I have never liked or enjoyed crowded places.  I've been to a few festivals and can get myself tucked away from the crowds.  I'm no great lover of theatres or cinemas especially those with little leg room and I need to sit adjacent to the walkway aisle so I can satisfy my claustrophobic nature.

So today I was just thinking along the lines of what to do and where to go and I don't want to do anything at all.  I want to get myself out of my rut and I know I should but I just cannot do it at the moment - and I just don't know why that should be.

My mind is doing stupid stuff like dreaming up and digging up past relationships and I could make myself busy but the great stealer of time, procrastination, interferes.  I've got some stuff planned for August but nothing else.  Last year's holiday to lovely Mauritius was not a great success, I felt deflated rather than elated.

I cannot be bothered to do things that I suppose I should do and I know that I've got to do the Elephant eating here and just do small achievable things to get out of it but at the moment, that's not happening.

I keep saying to myself, I'll just get "such and such" out of the way, there's a few things going on this week, and then I can settle down and concentrate on myself and some jobs that I can do.  I've got all the materials to do them but haven't gotten around to it.  These are things that I could easily achieve in a reasonable time.

Perhaps I am also feeling that I'm "on my own here"  by that I mean that my Ex always did things with me when she could or if I was doing things she was around to feed me coffee or food whilst I did the heavy work.  That doesn't happen now and generally I'm out there on my own doing stuff.  It feels weird and perhaps there's that to it.

OK - Now Just Get Over It Already

 It's over.  It's been 11 years since you last met her / saw her and whilst you occasionally drop a note to each other and so on, it just isn't going to happen is it?  

You see, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and we couldn't carry on because of complicated circumstances and whilst I accept that was what it was, I never really stopped loving her and that's a problem isn't it I suppose?  It's that we couldn't be together was the limiting factor and me hoping that anything might have changed in that setup is just wishful thinking and fanciful romantic mindset.

It's her birthday today and I sent an e-card and a copy of my playlist that I made recollecting our interest in music and the songs we liked.  I don't know whether that was worth doing really?

So here I am feeling OK about things, after eleven years that should be the case as what else can I do? I can't force the situation and I cannot change her circumstances and I suppose I cannot change my circumstances either.

Get over it I tell myself and I will in a day or so.  The music from the playlist goes around in my head for now though and one song in particular is giving me the ear worm.  She said she liked the playlist and of course, that's not surprising given how we shared these things together.

I am still working out what I intend to do with myself really.  I don't feel that my current situation is entirely good for me and I imagine that has set off my wanting to look back at an amazing time in my life?  I need to work out what I am to do and this week will release me of some outside commitments and that may help me to get off my arse and actually do something - there's plenty to do in and around the house but I'm doing most of this stuff on my own and rarely get any assistance.  Maybe that's it?  

Wow, what a time I had eleven years ago.  Such a shame it didn't work out. 

Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons! 

Well I did it

 Interestingly, it was half forced as everyone arrived early so left before I thought I would.   The roads were pretty much quiet and I arrived to get the car washed and I was the only one there.  An interesting time, I've not done a car wash where the car is pulled through before.  It looks nice and shiny.

I'd calmed down by now and went an collected the cake I had made for my partner, it was in a nice quiet road and it looks great.  It also tastes great too.

Then off to the supermarket.  The car park was rammed and so I doubled back and went to the other big Supermarket - some idiots were trying to work out where to park and instead of driving around just blocked the entrance.  Undeterred I managed to get the party food and drinks, got into the car, headed back and was home in an hour.  

As usual, I didn't need to be that anxious and as long as I just take it as it is I'm sort of OK.

I cannot say that this dread feeling is anything other than my feeling down and also that I tend to be organised whereas everyone around me just seems not to plan anything (and they sort of get away with it).

Anyway, I got through it, we had a nice party and that's what matters. 

The strain of getting out of the house

 I've got two errands to do today.  I've got to pick up my partner's birthday cake and then get some party food.  Now it's about an hour to go before I set off and I feel queasy and a little bit anxious about going out.  It's strange I know but that's been a problem for a while now.

I really am having a bit of a strange time of it all.  I know I was seriously down last year and it is beginning to feel similar but not the same now.  It's a feeling of dread and uncertainty and if I am honest about it, I've started to question all sorts of things recently.  The whole lot you know, life, the universe, relationships, past stuff (which I know I shouldn't but the flashbacks aren't helping here) and mortality and so on.  

It's because nothing has changed in the past few years, nothing has moved on and I'm still where I was 7 years ago when we moved in to this house.

Anyway, when I get back I can organise this party and perhaps move on a bit.   I also wish I wasn't drinking so much again.  Got to keep that in check. 

Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL! 

D-Day 80 years ago

 I have just written an article about someone I knew who never mentioned he was involved in D-Day.  It was not until we attended his funeral that it was mentioned in his eulogy.  As a young man aged just 19, he piloted a landing craft running men and equipment into the beaches on the momentous day.

He never spoke about it.  Just imagine what bravery you'd need to do that and how being so young, what horrors and images you saw.  

Amazing, brave men all of them and our they fought for our future.  It's a pity that today's 19 year olds would give it all away without thought.