Nothing To Fear Except Fear Itself

 The phrase "nothing to fear but fear itself" is a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1933 first inaugural address, given during the Great Depression. He used it to encourage Americans, stating that nameless, unreasoning terror paralyses action and that the nation should instead focus on converting retreat into advance by addressing the country's challenges. 

Somehow I am still fearing another solicitor's letter or something like it coming through the post to continue this year long erosion of my mental health.  For I am feeling it in terms of the doldrums of my life, the inactivity and procrastination it heaps on me.  It really is as debilitating as the cr@p that's been thrown at me and I find it hard to actually get up and do things.  I do actually do things but it takes forever to motivate and then actually achieve something.

It's been a year to forget and now I am just looking at it all and wondering "Why the hell did I bother?"  If all I got out of it was feeling ill, stressed, shaky and unwell, what was all that about and is it going to continue to cloud my life like it has?

I see that the things I did to combat all of this over the past 12 months both consciously and unconsciously have indeed provided a solid foundation should there be any further actions although I have no idea what they might be.  I did and said all the right things and set out facts and logical arguments.  The last actions too were well documented and decisive.  I still don't feel right or good about it but I MUST remind myself that none of this is of my making and I have attempted to negotiate but been met with a blank.  If you do not attempt to work out whatever problem you have even though you have been offered the opportunity it bodes ill if you try legal action as if you haven't even attempted to resolve your differences, then you aren't going to get far.

Still I feel bad about it and it is because I could not get any engagement to resolve the issue that he alleges he has.  When I heard that it was because he felt I was treating him as if he was stupid the penny dropped.  The difficulty dealing with non technical and non commercially aware people is that they don't understand the subtlety of some of the points and do not understand the words used.  For example confusing revenue with ownership.  Once stuck in their head they will not take you explaining it and it becomes your fault that they misunderstood completely what you were saying.  

After that, things had to change and that too then compounds the problems and down the rabbit hole we went.  If your only tool is a hammer you treat every problem as a nail and it gets worse and worse and eventually there is no easy way back from your dilemma.  The nail is bent and badly bashed and cannot be withdrawn without ruining the materials around it.  Instead of stopping and reviewing and working our way out of a problem, you double down and just make matters far more disagreeable and harder to resolve with each angrier effort.

So I do fear the postman coming along with yet another threatening letter or worse and really I shouldn't  I hope it is all over but that may not be so.  I need the Fat Lady to sing and then it will be! 

Good - Another Thing Ticked Off The List

 That's the car sorted out which is good.  A little work to do in the New Year which looks to fit in nicely with a trip to the dentists which works out nicely.

At least I wasn't walking around for hours yesterday like the last time.  I was able to drop the car off, get my hair cut and have a big breakfast and then I got the call that the car was almost ready and so that was good, a slow walk, a coffee at the mobile snack bar and collection done.

Next week I have a meet with the developer and we will have a few celebratory beers and a chat about where we go next and then that will set my agenda for what to do next.

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of trying to make this work to just shutting it down and so in those terms, the chat will assist me in deciding what's the right thing to do.  

The App and Business have ruled my spare time and spilt over into most of my time and for who's benefit?  I need to consider what my decisions points are and what's important to me:

• What do I want
• What is success or failure (and does it matter)? What do they look like?
• Health and Wellness
• Home
• Personal
• Hobbies
• Life
• Relationships

Sorting out what is important to me in life.  I sort of inherited this business and ended up be default running it for the best intentions and have only had grief and misery in doing so.  The easiest thing to do is to shut it down entirely, that would get rid of the baggage I am carrying and it would draw a line under it all.  It's pretty easy to do, I just need to decide whether it is right or not.  Let's see what the meeting next week will tell me and add that into the mix and then I can review it and decide what to do to move on. 

In my heart I think I know what I need to do and I need a compelling reason not to do it.  If I start with the answers as what is important to me, then I can consider what to do after that.  

In reality it's an exit strategy from the business as who needs the hassle and trouble of it all when you don't get rewarded or recognized for actually getting it to market? 

Surprising How Little Things Increase Your Wellbeing

 I enjoyed the meeting yesterday and whilst it droned on a bit - some people have no idea of timeliness and dither and waste time, we ate late and I got home quite late too.  BUT, it was nice to meet up with some of my friends and have a nice meeting, meal and few laughs too.

Another meeting on Saturday and that will be three meetings in one week - almost a record!  Today the car passed it's MOT and whilst I need some work undertaken on the brakes next year, all is well.  I parked up, booked it in and then wandered over to the barbers and had a haircut followed by a blow out cooked breakfast and wandered slowly back past the river and explored some footpaths I have never been down before to the trailer nearby where I had a coffee and a small bar of chocolate.  The car drove past me on its test drive and I wandered over by the time it came back to the garage and I am now home.

So things are relatively on an even keel at the moment which is good.  I need to pick up the finances and banking for the meeting which I can sort out this afternoon and then I can get ready for Saturday and do it all again!

I am feeling a bit better than I have done for a while and I just need to try and maintain that balance.  I have to say that the last six months have been pretty bad on my mind and my body but I now have a few months to work out what to do about it.  

Off To Another Meeting

 I feel nervous and shaky but I am going to go to the meeting and see some other good friends whom I haven't seen since July, I am sure I will feel better when I see them and have a chat.  No judgement there and just supportive nice people.

A few minutes left before I go and I am just making the most of a quiet time.   

When You Are Not Thinking Clearly

 It has been a hell of a six months for sure.  It is interesting that it has been around five months since I last went to a Lodge meeting and I was actually quite cheered that I went and I had a good time.  It was nice to be back among friends and brothers.  The roadworks were a challenge but I used the back lanes to get there and back but I see they are also closing one of those roads which leaves no real easy way to get there and back in a few weeks time.  Who on earth decides these things needs to actually live in the area as the terrible state of the roads these days and the sheer number of closures is atrocious.

Other than that it was actually grounding for me.  A friend with whom if you didn't know us, would think we were constantly insulting each other was there.  Now it's a very English (possibly UK) thing and the banter was fun but then I checked how he was and it wasn't good. I knew he had some sort of heart problem as 6 months ago he was missing some teeth after a fall, now happily fixed.  He told me that he actually has a number of problems including Prostate Cancer picked up at a recent test.  added to heart, spine and lung problems his father -in-law passed away at the weekend!  So he an I  briefly spoke about my experiences which he remembers and I wished him well.  

Another friend who nearly hacked off his hand with a chain saw when I was ill was also there and we sort of reminisced about that as he and I spoke often about our mutual problems.

It was nice to fit into my suit and have to adjust my regalia too!  I estimate two inches, possibly three off my waist and chest which was great.  I can easily button up my jacket which was tugging 6 months ago.  My trousers were loose (I use braces which holds them up properly) and yes, that also felt good.  

I woke at around 5 this morning and the full moon was lighting up the whole area and I thought about "things" as I watched the clouds across the face of the moon and decided that perhaps I'd now review things somewhat differently and by that I mean a plan to make a decision about life, the universe and everything.  The business has become personal and will it make a difference to my life and do anything to being joy or happiness day-to-day?  At the moment, probably not.  There's the achievement of getting it to market (half of it rather than all).  There's overcoming all the brickbats thrown at me but do I really want this to be my future and to define the way I live going forward?  I dislike (as most do) being a quitter but that may be the way forward that present trends determine anyway given the useless speech by the chancellor yesterday.

It takes my time, it stops me from being retired and it also steals my energy for little or no purpose.  It's a way forward and may be what I needed to do.  

So a plan is what is needed.  An exit plan - which I never got around to writing because of the nonsense that ensued just before the desertion of the inventor bloke.  

So that's what I am going to do now, take stock, look at the risks vs rewards and determine whether it is worth doing.  There, I feel fine thinking about it and it could be a win / win for me so I can walk away and get on with my life. 

All you need is a grounding event like this and some home truths and news about some of your colleagues, one passed away last week another has had a fall and is in Hospital and you soon start to filter out the negativity in your own life and make plans to change the things that hurt and upset you. 

The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.   

Now To Tackle More Demons

 It's fair to say that this whole episode has worn me down and it isn't just that, there are other factors at play including frustration with myself that I didn't get things done when I should have that other stuff has taken a back seat and so on.  It is all very annoying as it adds weight to my mind when I want a blank or at least clear head.

I need a break and I need it soon.  I am sure I can fit it in but I have 4 days worth of activities in the next 5 days to get through first and then, perhaps, I can take stock.  It is always a crazy time of year and I need to make a decision on all sorts of things some trivial in nature and some more serious.

I am seriously considering some sort of retreat or perhaps counselling, I would welcome the rest and I know what is wrong I am just not facing up to it which is why I might need it.  Facing your demons is a way of thinking about it I suppose?  

What If That Was All It Was About!

 The Okey Cokey?  No, although that might be a disappointment.  No what if someone got it into their head that I thought they were a fool?  Which I didn't but in their mind that's what I implied and they've gone away and brewed on that.  Then after some months they launched an all out attack both personally and business wise on me and then this last thing a year on.

This whole period of nastiness is because this person thought I'd said something.  I tried early on to talk to him but he'd just put the phone down on me and then I offered again after his first viscous attack and again, no refused and then this latest attack where I once again referred to these attacks based on what - yes, hurty words!

Narcissistic Injury is what it is and the way out isn't an option for him, it has to be the destruction of the person that he believes is the cause of it all. 

I have to say that I haven't felt this down for years and years and I am just building myself back from it.  It really has affected me quite badly and I am just taking time to rebuild.  I've halted working on the business for a short while whilst I regather my thoughts.  

I have no doubt that somewhere along the line this guy is going to throw up some more barriers but this time, he had better have something pretty substantial.  There's not too much he can do other than make himself a nuisance.  I would have thought if he goes for solicitor opinion they'd explain why he can't do much more.

That's Better - Calm (ish) Ness Returns

 Yes, altogether a better calmer temperament today.  The shakes are diminishing thank goodness and whilst I am not 100% chipper, I am feeling a lot calmer in myself and there is far less stress.  In many ways the experience has forced me to rethink what I am doing.  I am meant to be retired and yet ended up by default running this business.  So I am taking stock of that situation now and deciding what to do about it.

I am also going to have to go back Elephant Eating.  Doing a little bit at a time.  I cannot fix it all right now so slowly slowly catchy monkey it shall have to be.  What is difficult is what to do first and so it will be the nearest thing to hand I suppose.  Once again, I need to actually do it not procrastinate and it's easy to do that in November.  Christmas is coming, New Year and so on, "I'll do that next month" and so on.

Oh well, typing this isn't going to get me started on this pile of stuff I can see by my desk. Onward!

A Second Opinion Always Helps

 Well it was great to meet up for breakfast.  Nice to hear both of our stories although not much good news rally is there?  I think we both felt a shift in the atmosphere with the goings on politically and economically and it was interesting to see my friend's reaction to my descent into the darkness experience.

It's not just the one thing I think we both agreed, it's a number of things added together that contribute to me feeling low.  Sure, the business is one thing but there's other contributory factors too.  Stuff isn't going "particularly well" I think they say in modern parlance.

It is always good to get a balanced review of your situation and apparently I should have rung earlier and I knew that but you don't do that much or at least I don't.  

I am mentally exhausted though and need a rest.  Not much of that incoming in the next two weeks but after that, perhaps I can just take a break and then see where we go from there.  I'd feel a lot better if I could raise my game and achieve some stuff but whilst I did yesterday, it was only for a day and I need to devise some way of a daily advancement to get things to improve.  Not easy for someone like me to do really.  

I know the answers but implementing them and holding the discipline to do them, well, that's a different matter altogether.  

Bottom line is that it isn't just the business cr@p that's dragging me down it's other stuff too.  I'm just not dealing with it very well that's all.  The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in.  

Breakfast With My Friend

 We go back a long way - probably 30 years or so and whilst we didn't quite hit it off first time, we gradually grew to respect each other and he's a great guy.  He is also a fellow survivor and we had cancer (different ones) but closely associated at the same time so we spent time sorting out our recoveries etc.

Today will be good as it will cheer me up no end and I can "discuss" what's just happened to me.  I sure hope I don't drain his energy - it can happen when you are discussing traumatic events.

What I cannot understand is quite how badly it has shaken me up.  I suppose I haven't seen this level of aggressive behaviour in a long time and I think I now understand what it actually is.  It certainly wasn't business and it certainly now appears to be personal albeit couched and hidden as some sort of regime change.

It appears to be something like 'Narcissistic Injury' or, 'Ego-Defensive Reactivity.'  His people are defending him, not applying business logic to the logical arguments and financial information I provided.  So that in itself implies that he has fed them a particular story that centres on his being wronged rather than the very loose reasons cited to have me removed as the director.  Interesting indeed.  The trouble is I offered early on to mediate and it was bluntly turned down and no one took that on board either.

When you deal with non business people you expect this I suppose but here we are.  The problem is I don't feel like it is a victory as it was pretty obvious what he was doing (not why he was doing it until just after the meeting when it became clear).  It became clear because as one of his friends left he used a phrase that then reminded me that this was the very phrase used when the chap quit the business!  

It's all about a word, it's all about him and feeling foolish.  He's then gone away and built a whole story about how he's been "cheated", "fooled", "wronged" and so on and his pain body and ego have added to this and he's got angrier and angrier seeking revenge and getting even (or more).  Of course his friends have rallied around and bought in to the narrative and it was telling that no one contacted me, discussed the statement or indeed appeared to have fully understood the position I was in and that he had put the company in.

Oh well, breakfast awaits and I hope that I will be feeling a lot better after that and a chat.

I Put Her Down Hours ago

 This relates to a passage in A New World where two monks are walking through driving torrential rain and come upon a village where a young lady needed to cross the road.  The older Monk picked her up so she did not get muddy and carried her across the road.   They went on their way and after around 5 hours the younger Monk said that they were not allowed to do that.

The older Monk smiled and said, I put her down hours ago.

So what I hear you say but it is that sort of thing we humans are extremely bad at.  We hold onto stuff and the outrage grows from a small incident into something far worse.

Yesterday my mind moved over to this when I realised that there is every possibility that this guy making my life and the businesses life hell could all be about how he thought I might of made a fool of him even though he never said anything at the time about it.  I certainly never said it although I am tempted to say it now.  

He's let this brew on his mind and it has grown and grown and instead of the adult conversation where he could have said something to me and I could have apologised it's full on retribution and tribal warfare.  For a word.....  

No wonder I am feeling it as well as it is an unbelievable reaction and his actions are beginning to look like he's going to invade Poland!   Could it be that all that effort and all that money has gone to a revenge vendetta because of a hurty word imagined in a conversation?  The more I think about it the more that crystallizes and hones into sharp focus.  "He's not a fool"  well you could have kidded me as who would spend the time and energy trying to destroy their own business and for why? 

Oh well, I have no idea what he will attempt to do next having exhausted his repertoire.  Hopefully he will go away and never darken my door again - they never do, do they?  I've seen it time after time as the red mist comes down and people do some pretty stupid things out of temper.   

Surely Not

 A phrase that someone used at the end of the meeting last week was something along the lines of he's not a fool.  Those words were used over a year ago by this chap giving me all the grief and I thought no, surely not, he can't be holding on to a simple misunderstanding from all that time ago.

Simple it is and I suppose he may have got the drift that me having told him and written it out 4 or 5 times that I was repeating very slowly once again he felt I was making him appear a fool - who knows who to?  He was the only one in the room!

Surely it cannot be that but the more I considered it, the more this makes some sort of sense now.  Having got the wrong end of the stick he then threw all his toys out of the pram and he's been a pain in the arse ever since.  Wow, has that really played on his mind all this time?  Now of course, having pursued this to (I hope) its conclusion, it has become a self fulfilling prophecy and the result is what he had imagined a year ago.

If this is what it is and I'm now fairly certain that it is, there isn't a way back for either of us as what he feared had happened (and hadn't) now has if that makes any sense at all?

So That's The Paperwork Done - Relaunch

 So that's is now done, the meeting minutes and covering letters in the post and whilst I feel this is all behind me now, I still dread what this bloke and do next?  I don't think there is much but you never know if he will quit and call it a day.  Judging by his attitude to date, you'd have to say he will come up with something equally aggressive and just annoying and upsetting although what it could be remains to be seen I suppose.

As an INTJ it doesn't make a lot of sense to me how people can get all charged up about things and how, on earth, things have escalated because, you know, feelings!  It beggars belief that this actually may all be down to how he thinks I may have treated him "like a fool" Apparently that sounds like what it is - coming from someone else.  If that's what I have gone through all of this cr@p for then it makes it even worse.  How can you deal with people like that?  

Anyway, the bottom line is that the action has been defeated and the business should be secure.  I am sure he can continue to make things difficult if he wants but frankly it's time to let it go. Me?  I'm going to talk with a few people and then make a decision.  I'd rather walk away than play anymore games.

A Little Better Today

 The problem when you are being attacked is that you take it personally and whilst back in the day I never used to, these days I do.

I feel sorry for this chap which perhaps I shouldn't but he doesn't appear to know how to handle a dispute he kicked off and which went from I never want to see or deal with you again, to the most outrageous attack letter to something of an afterthought letter which I ignored to this latest nastiness of regime change.

Looking at the first letter which was pretty awful it has diminished somewhat and the reasons to get rid of me were feeble but he then rallied his friends and attempted to get rid of me.  What I need to do is not to feel bad about him because he was willing to chuck me under a bus because of "feelings" not logic, not anything like that.  The stuff he wrote wouldn't stand up in a real shareholder's meeting as it would have been laughed out but he convinced his friends to join in.  The statement I wrote explained why they shouldn't but he hadn't told them that if he had of won it would almost certainly have caused the business to cease trading. 

There was no thought as to how to transition the business or how to disseminate 9 years work and pass over the business.  I think he thought well I'm the Director now and miraculously it would be made so.  Perhaps he has taken his lead from the Labour party?  They pronounce stuff and have no idea that they have to act on it.  No one seemed to pick up on it but then they've just got lumps of paper shares and they've never known anything about the business unless he told them.

The whole thing is stupid and pointless and even though I offered him a way back, he refused it and so here we are digging in deeper as if it is WW1!  I cannot make him talk or mediate and hopefully he's now received a sting and put down having lost this latest round.  Who knows.  He can I suppose launch some sort of huge legal action but he wouldn't get a 51% nod as I see it and it would cost a fortune to achieve precisely the square root of FA.  

It takes a while to settle down from nasty stuff like this and I'm sure he'll have something to say about it further along the line.  This time, if it comes, it needs to be brushed off properly.  If only we had a good number of sales I'd be able to do that but we've only been live 2 weeks and I've been dealing with him which doesn't give room for sales.

A short break and a chat with a few friends and get some balance back.  All of this over some misunderstanding and control of a company with big debts, no sales and having to combat noise and bluster! 

That Was Horrible - What An Up And Down Weekend

 That was dark, very dark, everything went dark on Saturday it was frightening but grabbing the book (A New Earth) dug me out of the hole and also got me back out of the very very black place I was in.  I've never really felt anything quite like it, meeting with a Death Eater from Harry Potter perhaps might give you the idea of what it was like.

The room, my mind, my body all went dark, black inside and drawing into myself.  I never want that again.  Much of the trembling has stopped and I can actually use my PC mouse and write again, so bad was it.  Yes, never again.  I am meeting up with my good friend this week and he and I both had our Cancers at the same time and resonate at the same frequency.

A reset is what is required and that is probably what I will now do.  Just reset myself and give myself some time and space.  

I remember years ago suffering from constant business attacks from so called colleagues and getting to a point that it wasn't worth it.  I knew I wasn't well and was burning out so I went into work one morning a few days after I had completed my tasks.  Wrote an email to my team, then one to my boss - whom I had warned repeatedly that his team were hounding me. Then left the office, walked to HQ and then spoke to my boss, said I was going away for 2 weeks and that I would be filing an official complaint because he had ignored my warnings over the months (pointing him to the various emails) and then I got a train home going past all the commuters coming into London.  I was home by 10 and then disconnected everything, put in the automatic messages and disappeared for 2 weeks. 

So maybe something like that leading up to Christmas - I'll work on it.  The difficulty is fighting the Ego and Pain Body as they truly did have a hold these past few weeks and I feel like I've been in a boxing match, the trouble is, I've been in a boxing match with myself which means I am pretty beaten up with it all.

At least the shaking has subsided and what we used to call a mental breakdown was averted and it's just a bit of annoyance and stress resident in my body that will need to be worked off in the next few days. 

OMG That Was SO Bad... Black Dog

Only a few times in my life have I been to such a very dark place.  When I kind of knew I had Cancer and when I was diagnosed with it.  When I told my Ex that it was all over.

Yesterday was as low as I think I have ever been.  It was horrible as if the lights were going out in the room and I collapsed in on my mind for a short while.  Perhaps an hour I was in very very dark territory.  I'm not fully out of it but I came to a conclusion that this could not go on and so found and then read my well dog eared copy of Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' - there is a section about the Pain Body and I really needed to read that and just stop the slide into one of the worst depressions I can thin of.  

Of course, nothing has happened, it's all in my head about what may or may not happen.  I suppose worrying about what might happen is counter productive but the ego and the pain body are pretty evil things and your own head gangs up on yourself.  It isn't logical and the INTJ kicks in and over analyses stuff that it doesn't need to.  All the permutations all of it nags to be heard and analysed and what if scenarios built and taken down.  I sometime hate my analytical brain and I need to just spend some time rebuilding - my confidence if gone, through the floor.  I dread getting the next letter from this bloke and yet, what is he going to do?  He's tried everything so far and I've not caved in but oh God, it's tiresome and I don't want or need it.

I'm seeing a very old and trusted friend this week and hopefully that might give me the reset I need.  Doing this all on your own isn't great either and I still have very shaky hands and huge doubts about my abilities and experience tells me that I should just treat it as business (which of course it is).  

Anyway, there we go.  A day of Eckhart Tolle and similar will I hope settle me down again.  At least I am not in the very dark place of yesterday.  

It Doesn't Make Sense Why I Feel Bad

 I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I feel somewhat bad about the meeting because, he's been trying to destroy me all the way along.  Not for any business reasons you understand but because he thinks I took him for a fool.  There's no other explanation other than he is just one of those people who have an evil heart I think and is hell bent on revenge but the problem is that it will come at a cost.  

It showed itself yesterday it was how I feel a meeting with your ex might be when you've been "done wrong!" but it showed a really nasty side to him which I have now seen manifest over the past 6 months.  

I then need to realise that all of this is to do with him and his actions would also have brought down the other shareholders and the business as there was no way he can pick up a business and un-stitch it from all of the IT and contractual elements if he had one.  Of course his friends are not versed in business either and perhaps follow him because they are sure he is right.  The inevitability is they all go down with the sinking ship.

Oh well, so be it but I feel bad and I think it is stress and worry more than anything else you know.  What is he going to do next?  Well there is little I think he can do next but you never know, he's tried just about all of the moves.  That's my next thing to go and check what possible moves remain?  

I now need to detach myself from this and work away from it.  It has gone on long enough and I am now thinking why not, why not give it all up and watch it crash and burn?  That's not a good starting point but it does one thing, it gets me out of the situation and it means I can get on with my life.  Choices.... 

Yuk. What Did I Expect?

 The trouble when you deal with non business people who think it is personal is you get an awful row and it got heated and messy ending up with him walking out and the vote didn't go ahead.  On reflection, that's fine albeit I never want to see this bloke again.  Nasty piece of work when he gets going.

Oh well, let's see what, if anything, he can now do?  So stressful too, I don't need it.  

And Here We Are, Decision Day

 I am calm and strangely still and quiet this morning.  Gone are the doubts and gone are the worries about today.  My hands still shake a little but that's been going on for a while now and I just need to ensure that I have my notes and wits about me.

What has brought about this is the final what if thinking last night.  I raised up from the detail and just viewed what is this actually all about.  That in itself brought the meeting down to one thing and one thing only.  It's a yes/no vote that's all it is.  I am guaranteed to win it but they don't know that at the moment.

I need to stay calm and collected no matter what comes up and ensure that the vote is the thing that matters, that's all that has been demanded.  The rest of it is noise or irrelevant and so it is only how they react and I cannot control that, I can only control myself and how I react.  I've been doing  this for years and so it shouldn't be something difficult or new to me excepting that it is about losing my position and business.  

I am prepared for this, I have played it out far too much in my head and need to realise that I must stop my potty mouth sarcasm just for a short while as this is taking place.

Everything is scripted and as my good friend and I used to say (all the time) "Follow the process" - that's all I need to do is to follow the process and bring it back to process if it drifts away.  No more no less, no going off subject just follow the process.

One Day Nearer

 And let's hope this nails it once and for all.  These days I don't deal with things in the way I used to and I dislike confrontation at the best of times but at least, once it is over I can just turn the corner and move on.  Whether he does, is up to him I guess.  I've had a series of these threats and nasty letters etc and for what purpose?  Who knows?  Some people go off and do strange things I suppose?

This has always been an aggressive campaign from the start and despite the obvious huge variances in arguments put forward and the obvious counter intuitive points made defying logic and conflicting viewpoints, still these pathetic arguments and points arrive and so let this be an end to it.  I doubt he can let it go though and his accomplices have followed his lead blindly and not thought "How is this possible?"  or "Surely this cannot be right?"  but no, they've also followed this chap into the 500.

I just need to keep calm and maintain a clear head tomorrow and get the business through promptly.  I I expect that there will be disbelief from his side at the outcome as he has expelled so much bitter vile in my direction that he hasn't looked at the simple facts plain for all to see, right in his face.  

I am surprised that he hasn't wondered why I have not resigned and why I am letting the meeting go ahead.  I suppose he still has a little time left to contemplate why.  

Attempted Theft Is What It Is In Reality

 Given the benefit of the doubt for too long now I see that there are no scruples or honour here.  I guess I've always known that but I have now got to the point where I am getting a seething anger about all of this.

Who abandons things and leaves me to pick up the pieces and then 6 months later threatens all sorts of actions and a year later wants me removed from my position so he can take control?  I've had a year of picking it all up and getting it to market now - it is actually working and in the wild and he wants to take it away and in all probability will destroy it as you can imagine that I'd be especially cooperative in handing it all over for nothing.  They haven't a clue at all, not a scooby and I have to call it for what it is, it is plain and simple theft of the business and robbery of all the work I have done.  

It should never have got to this and I have offered to discuss but they (or is it him alone) want to wrestle it away and expect to find a business in a box awaiting them.  Yea, right, I'm just going to hand over all the paperwork, accounts and the like.  

Why are people like this?  What makes them think for one minutes that it is acceptable behaviour to do it too?  People these days have no qualms do they?  He walked out leaving me with it and now I've made it work and market ready he wants it back having done nothing to make that happen and firing off cr@p at me for the past 6 months.  

It Really Is A Turbulent Time For Me

 It's hard to describe the very mixed emotions I am going through right now.  I am as prepared for Friday's vote as I ever can be and squeaky clean but I still need to settle down as I am very edgy and shaky about it all.  I cannot lose the vote but I am going to have to deal with this bloke who's making my life hell (or maybe I am making my own life hell thinking about it).  Back in the day I would probably have looked at his cold dark eyes and mentioned that I could see all the way to his cold black heart but hey, not now, I have to be professional and balanced and that is perhaps it.  Back in the day, when I used to deal with such stuff day in day out I'd be able to say stuff like that and trade insults all day long and generally be OK with it all unless one of my stupid bosses were involved when I'd let them do all the talking, bury themselves deeper and I'd go pick up the pieces with the customer afterwards.

This is different and I should know better but it's the culmination of around 6 months of this sort of thing.  I'm having to prepare a lot because this bloke is being "Mr. Angry" and it's been unpleasant and so whilst I think when people see you eye to eye in the same room they  usually calm down I worry that this guy has been quite irrational so far.  Quite cowardly too hiding behind solicitor's letters and so on but now he's had to bring this to a special meeting that only he can attend (or can he?) and I need to be on my game so that the procedure is adhered to.  He likes to use the rules to throw the bombs.

Because he appears to be irrational and indeed his actions and words are conflicted.  He no longer wanted any communication and then complains when I have not contacted him for example.  So many of these statements made and then feigned surprise that he hasn't received things he himself expressly ordered not to happen.  

His cohort of shareholders have gone along with him and of course he "gifted" them their shares but not one of them has looked in detail at the evidence to arrive at their vote.  None of them have looked at the financial impact if they were to succeed either, if you make a regime change then there had better be a compensation package.  Of course there isn't, it's a vindictive, vexatious, getting even type action.  I'm not dealing with business people either so it's all just some sort of action without consequence to them.

I'm just though processing all sorts of things and trying to deal with my over analysis in my head.  I know that I should trust the process.  I know what to do and how to do it, I think it is the worry of dealing with amateurs and their reaction to them losing the vote quite heavily on Friday. 

Damn Claustrophobia

 I feel I am going through it at the moment and waking u with the room closing in on me is not nice.  It happens occasionally and I dealt with it by going downstairs and falling asleep in the snug area.  However, the problem remains that it is all part of the stress I am having with this company problem and that is affecting everything I do.  It is just the unnecessary cr@p that this bloke is hurling at me.  None of it is necessary at all, none of it makes any sense, if he succeeded in his plans there'd be a total disaster for the business, it would collapse and it would be yet another one of those stupid (and I've seen it often in my working life) things where someone has talked themselves into failure and snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

It is though having its toll on me and now I've started to think, why not? Why not just walk away and leave him with the biggest mess to deal with - I imagine it would ruin him financially - although I'd do something else.  But that's me of course.

I need to break this spiral downwards.  It should be all over this time next week and so I only need to hang on until then.  It's a bit like stressing before an operation.  It doesn't actually do anything to help.

The Madness Of Crowds

 I fail to see why people follow like Sheep and lack critical thinking skills these days.  We used to have a class at school which I think wasn't called but was critical or logical thinking where we would debate a chosen subject, Euthanasia was one such that I vividly recall.  Mainly because one of the lads thought t was all about "Youth in Asia".  However, I digress.  

Given a set of facts delivered on the one hand and a load of strange disconnected things loosely tied together as a case, it would be perhaps obvious to the casual observer that the facts, compiled in chronological order would outweigh hearsay and rumour?  Of course not!

I do despair of our people today who cannot sift through details and logic or if they even looked properly cut through the nonsense and make judgements based on hard facts.  But it seems they cannot and they are invested into some illogical rantings rather than a set of hard and fast points.

If this is the level of investment into coming to a decision then we should all be worried.  

Haven't Heard From You In A While

 Nice to get a message from someone stating that they hadn't heard from me in a while.  Good to hear from him and that he noticed I'd not been quite so active on social media for a while.

So we exchanged a few notes and I am going to see him next month sometime so I can catch up with him then I guess.

I suppose you never stop wondering quite what all this stuff is about do you?  I play through my head various scenarios and yet, I know what the outcome is going to be.  I just don't know how he will react to it.  I suppose it doesn't matter too much.  I hope he will run out of options but there's sure to be something else for him to moan about. Mind you for someone who abandoned everything to do with the business he's certainly bleating on about it.  A retraction and a full apology would have sorted it out but no, not this loser, full on frontal assault.

Oh well I have to remind myself that it hasn't happened yet and we are getting towards that bit in the Westerns where the two gunslingers are just starting to squint their eyes and reach for their guns.  It never ends well when you set out down the line he has.  

The Difficulty Is That It Makes No Real Sense

The trouble with a logical mind is that you have real difficulty processing people who get emotional about business stuff.  You can understand it in a social context (well I'm sure others are better at that than me) but in a business context it has no real place.

Back in the day I would handle that as a weapon against the perpetrator.  If you keep bringing the person back on track and stop the conversation and restart the process to get them to agree with the facts they will either do that but more often than that, with the facts continually presented to them they'd end up getting annoyed and voila, you've got them.

The present situation doesn't make sense because the argument is built on sand and no matter what way I look at it, this is an insane set of circumstances presented not in any way to resolve a problem but to heighten tensions and be belligerent for the sake of it.  It's as if there is no plan and the outcome wanted doesn't make any sense either as both lead to the downfall of the argument.  So as there is no logical outcome and there is no way to resolve this apart from him losing his case, it just seems a bizarre thing to do.  If you start a mini war then what are you hoping to gain?  What's the end goal, what is its purpose, its raison d'être?  There is none apart from bloody minded petty revenge and for what?  By his own actions we are in this place.  I've tried all lenient means to try and resolve it but, no, he won't have it and it's only my head on a platter will resolve the matter.

His friends, voting with him, cannot see the "Turkeys voting for Christmas" - they've all blindly followed his clarion cry which if achieved would end the business and leave him facing ruin.  I doubt he'd be able to pick up the business reins before the money runs out!  

Anyway, that's is what is unnerving me, that it isn't logical, it isn't rational, it makes no sense whatsoever and it's stupid and self destructive in the extreme.  If I wasn't so heavily invested I think I would have let him have his way and then watch as his world caved down around him.

It plays with my head why people do such crazy illogical things that will pour down destruction on their own heads and why his friends have pushed him into these series of actions.  Maybe they hate him?

 

Painting Oneself Into A Corner

 I know that for some people it must be difficult to vent their anger and then actually rationalise things and then make a plan, review it, test it, refine it and have various options before action.  If you don't then you tend to be running mightily fast into.... a brick wall!

There seems to be no overall plan at all, just the revenge cycle.  In each case, there's been no way out (for me) and no win / win outcome.  It's all good news for him and bad for me, no attempt at mediation and a dealing in absolutes and so where I've offered a way forward and a route out of this, he's gone about his business in a full frontal charge, a Light Brigade or Over The Top assault and has only sought that as his answer.

He is now left with his back against the wall, painted into the corner and doesn't realise it.   Convinced he will win and assured of his inevitable victory he cannot see the peril that lies before him.

That's how I'd like to keep him too, full of his impending defeat over his enemy, I hope he has a small celebration planned for after the meeting so that he can pass around his tears and they can collectively commiserate with themselves.  I think I said before that these are the sorts of people you wouldn't want with you in a spot of bother.  They are voting with him because he is their friend and yet none of them can have read the statements (or even have been worried) about his threatening letter to me - containing a physical threat.  So they are all condoning the violence threatened in there and worse still they are not standing up for the right thing, the right reasons.  Not one of them is!  I think that I would not allow myself to do that but then, that's me!

Not one of them has thought of what it actually means to their shares by voting this way.  But then not one of them has in anyway been involved in the business or contributed anything meaningful either in monetary terms or any input whatsoever so I suppose it's academic to them anyway.

I am having to remain neutral about it, difficult as that is, as I have to face off against him and it works to be calm and matter of factual about these things.  

Then It All Makes Sense And Peace Descends

 It's not a multi Million Pound business, not by any means and it hasn't made any money in 9 years.  Yet it felt like it throughout the year and that's the bottom line of why I was quite so het up about it all.  I know it could be big and I also realise that it could run off into a siding somewhere never to be seen again.

But there;s the injustice in it all and that yet again some febrile random has changed character from good to pure evil ever so quickly.  I think he is either ill or is being controlled.  It happened rapidly over he course of 6 or 7 days at most and at this time last year.  That was the complete divorce letter and then 6 months later the full broadside attack and here we are now because the first letters did nothing and did not bring about my removal which he craved.  Now we have perhaps the last throw of the dice which he currently thinks is the final gambit, the coup de grâce in his long line of attacks.

I've now settled down because I can no longer be bothered by it all and because he's now over played his hand, I see you and what you are trying to do and I know it isn't you doing it.  Two things.  One is he is going about this all wrong and should have realised by now that all of my responses have been aimed at negotiations and discussions and his are attacks and slanders in some cases but the other is that he is being advised strangely so Two I don't see if he or the puppet master in charge understand that they'd have to compensate me and they wouldn't get their hands on the business until they did.  By the time we got to Tribunal all the accounts and emails would have expired, they'd be no money in the Bank for paying the accountant and all the others that need paying etc.  That's why I wonder who it can be in charge the solicitors just seem to forward the letters and why haven't they advised caution?

Yes, it is strange but then lots of people don't actually have a plan for their actions and do not think it through.  I doubt there's a risk mitigation plan in place and no one appears to have properly read his statement or my business style response.  But I know where I stand now and so that's a good thing as it clears away any doubt about it.  They've voted with their friend and not in the best interests of the business.  Ho hum. 

So I am less anxious than I have been, I'll be prepared for the meeting and my only fear is that he is quite angry (or comes across as such) and so I hope he doesn't get violent after he loses, I'm prepared for that but I actually hope he, like people who have tried this on me before is left with his jaw hanging open and bewilderingly wondering what the hell just happened!  

The Other Side Of The Lines

 No worrying about stuff today and no thought other than to protect the business, protect myself and to hell with the rest of them.  I cannot be having feelings for people who want me deposed from my job, having never met me or interacted with me.  Who's votes conspire to steal the business I built and which he and they deserted a year ago and now want to be part of, more so than their invisible shareholding for the past 9 years.

Not only do they want the business, they want all the money and they want to steal it off me by offering nothing in return for the work and expense - my time and money.  That's what happens when you deal with people who don't appear to have business sense and acumen - much like out current Government in many ways.  These pathetic turncoats make Rachel Reeves look almost competent.

Of course there's someone else behind all of this but it will be up to them to work out why they went for this burning bridges approach?  I'd offered discussions but full on attack is their approach and Sun Tzu and his book 'Art Of War' need to be my guide once again.  It's worked for me in the past and this time, unless he twigs what is going on, the rush towards his own undoing is assured.  

It will be no real victory as the film "The Untouchables" and Sean Connery's character said something like "Don't bring a knife to a gunfight!"  The stuff he published over the weekend is meant to intimidate me to believing he has secured enough votes to depose me.  That probably reassures him that he will 'win' but it also means that someone is controlling him to keep the pressure up and wanting me to concede but I want to see the whites of his eyes in the meeting and whilst I wouldn't normally do so, watch the wind go out of his sails as he comes to realise that his mission has failed.  Six months of his bitterness and anger can then go POP and he can sulk away and work out what to do next.  

It will be interesting to see who among his friends is Worm Tonguing him?  

So What's It Going To Be?

 How long do I go on making excuses for and accepting this awful human being for?  I think that I've done the christian bit way too much now and when his cards were shown yesterday I now fully understand that he has canvassed the shareholders and they will all vote with him and at least I now know what I thought was the case all along.  The trouble is they are all as delusional as he is.  He figures that if he votes me out and he takes over, everything will be fine and I will have to hand over all the business assets and so on.

He thinks that this comes with no financial cost to himself.  No doubt the magic money tree will provide.  So I am not dealing with a realist at all more a Walter Mitty type character with some strange view of the world.  The only person who has any business acumen in the group if most probably the one person who should know better but I think they are the ones to prick up the pieces, waiting in the wings to bayonet the wounded and pick over the corpses.

Not one of them has the best interests of the business in focus and not one of them could comprehend the complexities of unravelling 9 years worth of work!  

So, I am now turning my attention to the fall out that this meeting will have.  It will be quite interesting I imagine and I need to now disconnect myself from the personalities and the working relationship that was there before.  It is he that has lost his head whether through spite or vengeance (for what I am not sure) and all of these are his actions.  Publishing the letter where he threatened me physically didn't do anything and so that sets out the calibre of the people I am dealing with. No one has condemned his actions as far as  I know.  If I saw something like that I would like to be on the right side for sure.  They don't know me and have now all colluded to try and have me removed from my job.  So be it.  

I find lots of people these days have no moral compass and are outraged in one area but not in others, they shout about one sort of "this next thing" and utterly silent on similar matters when their intelligentsia whistle kicks in.  So with these people now having facts before them take the side of a bully and someone who threatens violence unless he gets his way!  Where was their thoughts in this but then I realise that they were each gifted their shares and he is just collecting their eternal souls as payment.  A quisling effort the lot of them.

So, now it's time to actually stop worrying about it and prepare to pull that carpet from under them all in a short while and try not to look smug or anything else as it's only business and that's all it is.  

On Edge - Sunday Thoughts

 Yes, why is that?  I think it because the tactics used by this bloke are all planned to put me at a disadvantage and yesterday another letter which told me much of what I knew already about the man.  It's not him pulling the strings here.  Goodness knows it is costing him a small fortune in solicitors and postage alone.  

I really am not happy about it and it's long since gone the point where this is acceptable behaviour.  Once the meeting is over and done with I'd like to hope that that is it.  I cannot think of anything further he can attempt.  This is full regime change and he showed me part of his hand sending me copies of the proxy votes.  It's a typical intimidation ploy and so I guess what he's showing is that he has a strong hand and in his estimation, has won the argument.  I know different as he hasn't worked out the difference between the number of votes and the percentage of votes.

I could, but I cannot be arsed to play silly buggers here.  I could quite easily start to confuse the situation but it really isn't worth it, the business hasn't even turned a buck as of today and I'm not expecting it too for a while but this guys full on as if it is some massive corporate.  Whoever is controlling him is an interesting thing and let's hope that he turns his attention on them when this horrible sad episode concludes in a few weeks or so.  

Pest Control

 Like an annoying fly buzzing around your head and making that buzz noise past your ears, this bloke has turned into a complete nuisance.  I have fly spray here but not human spray!  I don't think we citizens are allowed mace or pepper sprays LOL!

Another letter arrived this morning and it's designed to be Intimidatory and threatening - which it is slightly for it shows how people are going to vote in the upcoming shareholder's meeting.  And if I run the numbers it should indeed threaten me.  But I want to see the whites of his eyes when he metaphorically pulls the trigger to remove me from the business except that I don't think it will actually work out that way.

He's still got almost two weeks to throw some more stuff at me.   

The Task Ahead

 It's almost a year since the parting of ways and then shortly afterwards we found that the App needed to be totally rewritten.  Looking back today on the adverts and stuff from a year ago it certainly looks as if I was in full flow on the social media stuff and looking forward to the launch.

A year.  It sounds a long time and in many ways, a lot has happened since then.  None of it is making it any easier as this chap is still bothering and harassing me.  I hope in two weeks time that it will be over and that it will free me up to really concentrate on the business.  

Today I am stalling and procrastinating a bit because despite being ready for this launch moment something is nagging me and I am not sure what it is but I know that if that is stopping me from acting on the plan, then I need to just take a short break and then resolve whatever it is.  

So a short moment's reflection is required whilst I try and understand what is happening here.

The Great Day Has Arrived

 Yes, here we are I can push the release button when I like, everything has passed muster and it is literally, just a push of a button away.  I think I will wait until the OH is here and we can finally after 8 long years go for it.  It seems like a lifetime and yet another stupid pedantic letter arrived from this bloke who is determined to make my life hell.  After getting fretted up about it, it shows the level of the man.  

I'll be meeting him eye-to-eye in a few weeks if he doesn't back out of it that is. It depends on whether his friends side with him or abstain (that's what I'd do) but I think that he wouldn't have taken on this action unless he'd spoken to them but perhaps they might reflect on the facts they now have before them will they vote for money or for oblivion?  

Oh well, it will be resolved soon.  For now back to launch day and hopefully some interesting times ahead.  

Law Of Unintended Consequences

FAFO is pretty apt for the problems I am having with a certain individual as he will find out soon.

What though this is about is the number of stories you read or hear about where someone (but generally some government local or otherwise) comes up with a brainwave, pushes it through against all the evidence to the contrary and then has to spend more of yours and my money putting it right or in some cases doubling down until complete destruction is wrought.  They then appear like moles emerging into the bright sunlight, hardly believing their eyes at how Armageddon has devastated their ideas.

Take the parking restrictions in many places, priced to actually make revenue they in fact deter people from going to town, I now only go for seeing my Dentist once a year or my optician once every two years.  When I have been recently I can always find a space!  It used to be that yo'd have to try two or three car parks but now, as the tumbleweed blows across the tarmac it's much easier and more expensive.  The shops are either up in arms about it (some offering to cover the cost of your car parking) or like about 50% of the high street are boarded up!

Same town, they made plans for a one way system and using the ring road and narrowed the high street and put in larger pavements.  They did not however, have pull ins for the busses and so after a very short time of it opening we had neither this bypass system working and the traffic was backed up because when a bus stopped, everything stopped and you couldn't overtake either really.  Space given for pedestrians added to the blockage and they had to reverse engineer it back to the old system and blow me down it worked!  Millions of our money once again.

I still use the mantra "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"  but they always have to justify their position by doing good things and f*****g it up.  "There's been a huge drop in trade and we'd urge people to come and visit our lovely town"  In other areas by the sea they put the charges up so much that no one came and they were once again blinking in the bright sunlight and could not understand it.

They painted Double Red Lines in some areas and businesses now have half or less of the trade they used to have.  We truly are run by Muppets and that';s being cruel to Muppets.  Businesses move away and customers are happy to drive to the outskirts to the large supermarkets and stores because the parking is plentiful and free and there are more facilities.

The waste of money is outrageous and no one gets punished for it anymore, no one sees the stupidity of local parish councils my local one serving less than a 1,000 people getting involved in climate change.  The larger councils getting involved in politics in Africa or debating and ruling on Ukraine or commenting on Middle East policy.  They cannot even empty the bins properly and treat us like kids.

Slowly we see it unravel and let's hope it isn't long before the adults take back the reins and stop this awful waste of resources.

Feeding The Crocodile

 Winston Churchill famously said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last”.  We see this more and more these days.  Cowardly politicians will not go and take the hard route to tackle the ills of the country having actually caused those ills in the first place.  Looking after your people should be your first sworn duty but not this omnishambles of the past 20 or more years.  No, they cannot be brave and tackle the problems made by them as appeasers and servants to the wet liberal metropolitan elite (let's call them woke).  

Every move they make actually makes things worse and more complex and appeasement and change is forced on people along with more censorious draconian limits on our liberties and ever more tax paid by us to fix the haemorrhaging of cash to anywhere but where it is needed.  The list of projects the money is spunked up on is outrageous. The leaking of money by public servants (they are no longer civil) who are not business people is truly mind blowing.  Billions here and billions there and we have forgotten how to build things and how to control and manage money.

Gradually the public are seeing it for what it is.  There's been a shift in the overton window and the noisiest uninformed people, the real racists and bigots who believe themselves to be good and kind are rising to the top like scum in a septic tank.  We can see them now, we see that they are the very thing they accuse us of being.  The be kind brigade are anything but, the tactics they employ are to display to your face outdated pig ignorant set in their ways birdbrained lacking in basic knowledge yelling hypocrisy.  They cannot actually debate - these are the loud, braying of fools.  I don't really watch them as they are embarrassing to themselves and to the public at large.   

Asked what far right is or fascist few can tell you.  They scream racist and bigot but that's all they can do because that is the limit of their argument and generally the limit of their vocabulary.  It was amusing to catch someone asking these protesters where a certain country was that they were protesting about, they weren't sure exactly where it is.  Another asked about research which proved they were rattling on about something that was opposite of their stated protest.  They have no depth of knowledge in their subject and no arguments, no data, no peer reviewed science, no evidence and certainly no debating skills.  Denier, Bigot, Racist, and any other sub human response will do and if you yell it loud enough you've won the argument.  

We've let them get away with this uneducated, unwashed mass to get away with it because no one challenged it, no one stopped the lies and propaganda being bandied about and no one stopped the insults to our intelligence.  Cowardly we let them get away with it and those at the top need to hang their heads in shame for the damage done to this country and its people.

It looks as if the awakening is happening and let's hope we start standing up to this rot and if they want to shout and cry, give them something to cry for.  

Limbo Land

 When you want to have something sorted out and it's still three weeks away.  When the App is about to launch but you've still got to do the final UAT and resubmit it and it isn't ready for that test.

So many things are just in that limbo land and there's little you can do until they arrive.

To be fair there are things I can get on with but not enough to get me sat down and just thrashing my way through the list and achieving milestones and ticking them off.  I need some small but vital bits of information until I can actually do work without having to go back over it and edit or tweak it.

It's like being an athlete called to their blocks and awaiting the set and starting gun!  I don't want a false start, I want to hit the ground running so to speak.  Finding something to occupy my mind is necessary.

And Just Like That

 My attitude has changed.  You cannot change the past, you cannot predict the future nor should you worry about it either.  What will happen will happen and whilst the uncertainty is there because you cannot second guess what's about to present itself you can only do your best.

I know that I am prepared now and I just need to control what I can control and with the preparation I have already done and following the process we will get there and it will be what it will be.

My brain has to go through a process to get to where I am now, a playing of all the scenarios and that being said, the rest will just be what I cannot control.  I can control myself and that's fair enough but I cannot control the uncontrollable.   

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

Donald Rumsfeld

Yes - That LOL.

Clarity Of Thinking

 One of the payoffs when you do a lot of thinking (and writing) is that you start to clear in your mind what things actually are.  Not a "Eureka!" moment really but it was not as yesterday's blog post a moral dilemma at all.  In fact there is no moral ground at play here. It's not about business either, it's about some sort of revenge.  It's a bit around about face in as much as clearly, in his mind, I have wronged him and he is going to destroy everything albeit he does not realise that even if he could replace me, he'd have to compensate me for all the work I've done and the investment.

He doesn't give a toss about me and he is being motivated by blind rage.  The initial shot across the bow was deeply troubling but smacked of something wrong.  Once I had returned fire it wasn't really accepted (even though I supplied the evidence) and the threats toned right down but the illogical questions remained. Now we have a business procedure to endure to remove me and the reasons given are the same as the first and second letters.  Then you can see through the cracks of it all.  The headlines for why he wants me gone are actually down to his own actions in the first place and he cannot see that his actions have consequences. 

I know people generally cannot see the wood through the trees but this is another level really.  When someone initiates an argument and then shifts the blame back onto you, it is known as blame-shifting or scapegoating within the practice of gas-lighting, a manipulative behaviour intended to avoid responsibility and make you feel guilty or ashamed. This is a form of emotional manipulation designed to deflect attention and control the narrative, often used by individuals with narcissistic tendencies or in abusive dynamics. That is very broadly what is happening here, he seems to now live in a dream world where, in his mind, he can run a tech business but he owns no IT equipment and almost lives off grid.

This fantasy appears to be the problem as he instructed me to do a series of things which I did and then accused me of doing those exact things!  

So rather than me feeling sorry for him or pitying him, my whole attitude has changed.  It's a matter of survival and he needs to get it off his chest I guess but his actions if they were successful would damage the whole business and his "friends" interest in the business too. If they vote with him at least I will know who is for or against and that will determine what to do after that.  I doubt that any of them and him have the detailed business knowledge to make the decision that is required and have no idea other than my statement to comprehend the magnitude of the problem.

In his blind rage, he has lost the logical argument and he has not undertaken his research.   You should never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake" is a famous aphorism attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte.  There's whole books relating to this and I've used it throughout my career.  On one occasion, a number "team" members were out to make my life hell, the customer however, was very supportive of my work.  So much was piled on me that I had to keep going to the customer and request extra time and money for the project which I submitted in new plans to the "team" at regular meetings.  It was an 18 month project and my 6 months turned out to be close to a year.  Once I had my work signed off by the customer, I casually slipped into the conversation as I was about to handover and leave whether he had granted extensions to the other teams who were responsible to complete the 12 months work (originally).  The customer had granted no extensions, no extra money etc because no one had asked for it.

So there we have it, they made my life hell but can you imagine that they had asked for no more money - they were still paying out for quite large teams (£ Millions) and no extension of time so they had 6 months left to do 1 years worth of work.  It was interesting watching the penny drop on the team and my arsehole boss who had turned the dogs on me.  My part of the project made money, delivered a sound piece of work, commended by the customer and they had taken their eye off the ball.  They didn't look like they were laughing at all.  

I still have my Programme Manager's Mantra from all those years back written by Sir John Harvey Jones: “The only good thing about no planning, is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by a period of anguish and fear.”

And so, whilst it has taken me a while to get there.  It's now pretty clear that this is just a sad angry old man who's made a huge miscalculation, now doubling down and digging further into trouble.  He ignored the olive branches and life raft thrown to him by me.  Blinded by rage he probably needs to play this card which he supremely confident of winning, if he gets his friends on his side he will turn up confident of victory as he thinks (incorrectly) that he has the required votes to win.  I can just let things go on for a few minutes, let him have his say, and then watch as his victory and dreams dissolve into dust before his eyes - you need a 51% poll but the number of share votes you have totalled do not 51 share votes do not make 51%  it doesn't work that way. 

Recalling a similar outcome many years ago, my right hand man, when you could say such things to people, having been accused of something and we proved beyond a doubt that it was someone else, the culprit caught red handed as we were investigation with the customer, looked directly at the accusers and stated "Well, do I get a f*****g apology or does someone get a smack in the mouth?"  We actually got a very nice slap up meal!

So the main thing is that if you play the scenarios and try and understand what the motivation is and work out your numbers, then you can enjoy them getting their comeuppance!  

The Moral Dilemma

 The problem I seem to be having is that what's coming up next is going to go down like a fart in a spacesuit.  One of us is going to completely defeated and deflated and they don't seem to realise what's in store for them.  After some pretty vicious attacks threatening all sorts of actions, those actions disappeared and they presented a "gotcha" to remove me from office.  There's no plan to their action, they think that removing someone from office doesn't have consequences and it's totally wrong of course.  There's no logical argument that is correct and there is a naive view that I will hand over control of the business I've built expecting my cooperation and no consideration.

So that's the latest Regicide manoeuvre after me fighting off the first one and totally ignoring the second.  Third time lucky I guess?

But the dilemma is that it never needed to be this way.  It's a vendetta and there's me feeling almost sorry for this chap and worrying about it.  The old days I would have metaphorically stuck the boot in but now, I find that a petty thing to do.  Clearly he deserves it but he is blind with anger and has worked himself into a froth and he cannot get out of it.  I do not know if he's been Worm Tongued into it but it is his final throw of the dice and he thinks he is going to "win" and there are no winners in this there's no win/win and perhaps no lose/lose either.  One of us is going to win and one is going to lose.  He just doesn't realise that I outplayed him around six months ago.  I guessed that there would be one final throw of the dice and rather than picking up my olive branch he's played the final endgame, all in.

I ask myself why, when he's made my life hell does it concern me.  I suppose because it would be a shallow victory indeed and it will end with his defeat when I tried quite hard to get to a win/win and he felt he could not talk about it just pay more and more money to send the letters to me.  I don't know if he is doing this himself or is being advised by someone.  This last gambit is a big risk but I don't think he has worked that out.  It strikes me that no one has discussed this with him in detail or evaluated the risks especially as there is every possibility that the rug will come out from under him but anger and rage and vengeance do that to you I suppose.  

It's not fair, it's not a match of equals and has only one outcome and perhaps it is that that I am concerned about.  When I was in business years ago, you could get your opponent angry and once you'd done that and they started acting irrationally you'd won.

I will probably just play it cold and clinical, I don't need to shout I just need to follow the procedure, follow the script and quietly present the facts.  I am concerned that he will just get angry and become violent, certainly his correspondence is incendiary, threatening and ugly.  I just hope he will be too shocked by the outcome to react.  It's not nice being the harbinger of doom but then again, I have to remind myself this is all self inflicted and only he is to blame for painting himself into a corner.  

Ideology Trumps Common Sense

 The last week should tell you all you need to know about Socialism / Marxism. A government in deep trouble appear to think that you can tax your way out of some of the worst figures you've ever seen.  Huge debt, job vacancies plummeting and house prices falling with sales struggling.

The answer of course is to insult our intelligence, talk incoherent nonsense and tell us how kind you are by trashing their opponents whilst not telling us anything that they've achieved (because they haven't) in the past 14 months and taking a leaf out of Nero's playbook.  The way to combat illegal migration apparently is the well thought through policy of digital ID. Close to 3 million people have petitioned not to do it and their answer?  We are doing it anyway!  So by pushing this ID system it stops the boats?  Ihre Papiere, bitte! 

They throw insults at us, piss on our shoes and tell us it's raining and must be quite deluded because they think they are the good guys, they are doing the right thing.  If they all didn't have that nasty nasally thin squeaky issue affecting them so they can talk down to us as if we work for them I imagine is why they cannot actually smell the Coffee and observe what we see day in day out.

I go back to some of the worst managers I ever had and it was the same back then, so wrapped up in their self importance, they somehow actually thought they were doing the right thing and often said so and yet they had not a clue and stood surveying the total collapse of their part of the business and proclaimed that "it is good!" 

Not one of these people have any idea because they've never really had a job, never really had to speak to people.  Rules for thee but not for me every time.  They preach hate and think it is love  they are the very worst of us.

As I used to say and perhaps I need to start saying it more often "They are the very thing they accuse you of" for it is a mirror on their own thinking (I use that word lightly).  When you point the finger at someone there are always three fingers pointing back at you.  

You kind of hope that it all ends rapidly and we see what was described in Proverbs 16:18, which states, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall"

I Am Sure I Never Used To Be This Highly Strung

 I am quite anxious at the moment.  Dealing with irrational and unstable people used to be OK back in the day but this is another level.  A business matter is OK I guess but this is nasty, personal, ad-hominem attacks and relate to something he "thought" I said.  Rather than let that go it has metastasised into this full blown personal series of attacks and now a removal from the company as director.

Don't throw stones I was taught, keep it business (if it is business) and at least comprehend that there is no plan should he succeed, the company will go to the wall especially as he will not compensate for any work or expense undertaken.  Hence, it's personal.  Added to that he hides behind solicitor's letters.

We always referred to this sort of person as a coward. It's a slightly deranged, vendetta fuelled below the belt nonsense of the very worst kind.  He seeks to remove me which he can only do by now involving his friends, fellow shareholders for without their unanimous vote it cannot become reality.  Indeed if he garners their support in his head he will defeat me and then take my place.  Under the old regime that would indeed work yet he has not been involved for almost a year now so that his eye is blinded to the new structure which will fail his attempt at a coup d'état.  But I get to see the whites of their eyes and that's probably a good thing.

 But, I find it stressful, far more than I ever did in the past and I think because this guy whom I've known for a long time turned from a nice well mannered person to a rude vengeful person in a few days. It's concerning I wonder if he is ill? I am probably more worried about how he will take to losing the vote.  Ideally if just one of his friends having now read the accusations that he has made and then seeing his original letter that kicked all of this off abstains or votes against then he will lose his motion, without me worrying too much.   Here's the thing though, I out vote him and his friends and I am sure that he will kick off when he loses, that sort often do as they have no plan B and they fail to accept that their own actions have consequences.

Years back I used to ruthless in this sort of scenario and it was part of the job to skewer people who acted a bit like this.  They'd get to the end of a meeting to suddenly find that they'd been hoisted by their own petard.  Like in martial arts, you use their own strength against them and only afterwards would they realise that they left with less than they arrived with.

It troubles me that this chap is coming for me in the most vile and disgusting ad hominem way and has finally built himself up to his full height to face me in a meeting and his "empire" will crash and burn before him.  I don't think he has the mental ability to see his arguments lost and suffer defeat and I, feel sorry for him.  I don't like the idea of his inevitable defeat playing on his unhinged mind but as I said above, there are plenty of examples of this sort of behaviour, Hoist by your own petard (Hamlet), those who Live by the sword, die by the sword etc

I am trying not to be vengeful and I am finding it difficult given the awful things he has said about me and the off hand way he wishes to dispose of me from the business (no compensation, surrender of shares for no consideration etc).  So perhaps, just perhaps, I need to reflect on this that I am fighting my own internal emotional battle on his behalf, trying to forgive but it is my ego wants him to take a punishment beating for how evil he has been to me and that's not really the way, my way.  

The struggle is that he's a sad, vengeful, vindictive old man and I am about to deliver a crushing blow to his vexatious behaviour and I have tried to resolve this amicably but he wants "his day in court" well in a meeting where he topples and overthrows the King and picks up the reins himself.  He will probably be extremely upset at the end of the meeting and I care about that.  Maybe I do not need to.  I just need to look after myself and the business and forget about him and his strange behaviour.  It's like those neighbours disputes you see on the news where they've been feuding over how high their hedge is.  

It isn't worth worrying about of course, he's the one being an arse not me.  Whilst this is the last throw of his dice it probably wont be.  I am sure he will keep on sniping from the sidelines.  Good luck to him and to me, I just need to re-read this and re programme my head.

End Of The Month

 So the meeting has gone back to the end of the month.  In some ways that is OK, today I have the release candidate to test and so I hope, if all goes well, we can release it and start to actually turn some money over.  That will be really useful to cover off the bills and to know whether it is viable.  If it isn't, then that's another story of course.

The other matter is of course still ongoing and vexatious.  You can hardly believe how horrible people can be but then I had heard that he can be a bit nasty and now I can see what they mean. I'll be ready for him when he comes for me.