Lasting Power Of Attorney

Well I need to deal with this now and get my wishes down.  All very matter of fact really and all very difficult as you are instructing your attorneys of your wishes should you be unable to do this for yourself.

It is strange writing out my health wishes as I keep much of this away from my family and now I have to explain certain traits and health conditions that they may not have been aware of as I have hidden them from it.  My depression and up and down nature of that is one area that I find strangely OK to write about but I am not sure that they know the depth of it even though they've lived with it for a number of years.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on it I suppose.

The other stuff is pretty interesting to write about and should just reinforce that so much stuff is transitory in nature and deserves to be treated as such.  Part of my review I am doing over the next few weeks in reality.  The balance of work, life, relationships etc.  

I am forcing myself to do a 'Wheel of Life' review and it is actually difficult because I absolutely know what I need to do and the inner fight is real.  Of course I've always known, it's the curse of an INTJ the intuitive bit rises to the surface now but it was always there and deep down inside the direction was set.  The trouble is that the conclusion isn't palatable at all, it isn't what I want and it really isn't the answer I was looking for.

Now, I will spend some days reviewing things and actually arriving at that conclusion and then having to make another decision whether to go with it or avoid it and that will be an altogether different proposition.  The mind is putting it off and trying to avoid it LOL.

Time To Reflect And Decide

 Well here we are with new information and some ideas about going forward.  It was a good meeting and very much as I thought would be the case and so now, armed with that information, I can start to think about moving on.

I can at least work on the basis that some things are just not going to happen easily and quickly.  So in some ways one arm is tied behind my back unless the business flies and that isn't by any means certain at all.

It's now that the risk intensifies and so that in itself needs to be considered.  It is a gamble and you just don't know how this is going to go especially with the Budget coming up too.  Whether or not that will affect the business is another thing altogether.  

For now, I need to do some "Blue Sky" thinking and then make a decision.  I've already allocated some money to prop the business if needed and so covered off the possibility that we can last into Q2 next year (our Q4).  We don't need that many sales to make a go of it but those sales have not come yet despite some advertising although I probably need to up my game on that to make it more attractive.

Anyway, it's time to stop randomly attacking bits of the business and time to put the nastiness behind me and see if I want to go on and run the business or just shut it down and have done with it.  It was interesting that the bloke who's been giving me all the grief has once again written to the developer! What is interesting about that is that he more or less doesn't believe it will get to market - interesting comment.  It just goes to prove that no one read the statement I put out where I explained that we had.  They still voted against me/the business anyway.  Turkeys for Christmas anyone?

Anyway, a period of reflection and review.

OK That Was Useful

 I was going to walk but a bus pulled up within a few minutes so I got that and it meant I arrived in good time for the Remembrance Day Service - not part of the plan but it was good to attend and be part of.

Met the developer had a good long chat, ironed out a few bits and very much reinforced what I'd guessed was or had happened.  I also got some further feedback about the ex partner bloke giving me so much grief.  

So I now have a way forward (or not) to consider and whether we can get to market or not with the other version is, as I much suspected, a long long long way off.  The investment in time and money as I predicted was all spent in the wrong way and on targets not attainable even now.

But at east I know what I am dealing with and it isn't great and he knows that I am just as likely to pull the plug as to go ahead.  He does have a problem that if I sold the business it may give him a huge headache.

Anyway, I think I have a clearer view ahead now and let's hope that I can cover off most of the issues we have.

Nice to get busses to and from town - saves a 45 minute walk each way and also saved my poor old hip which is a lot better but may not have been up for quite the pounding a 90 minute walk there and back would have given it!

First Review Steps

 Off to meet the developer chap.  He's just 7 years late and only half delivered and so the conversation is going to be "interesting" to say the least.  I did fire a warning shot across his bows a year ago and now we are half way along but I need to review where we are and where I am too.

After a few days with a gammy leg I feel a lot better today and so I am going to attempt to walk into town to meet him.  It's a 45 minutes walk (brisk) but I will most probably take a little longer than that.  It should be an informal chat I don't want any problems and he's not the sort to give that to me either.  If there are problems I can get the bus which runs every 30 minutes so it should be OK either way.  It's not meant to be raining but hey, drizzle!  The Met office, can't get the weather right in a 30 minute window but can tell you what the temperature will be like 100 years from now!

So the review.  I am going to see what this guys is going to do he can deliver or he can refund, I just need to know what it is to be really.  It will determine my thinking and what actions I take from now on.  The bottom line is that I realise how much it has taken out of me with the uncalled for bombardment from the other chap involved.  I can push forward or I can shut it all down and as my mind stands right this minute, I really don't mind which one I do.  I am erring on shut it all down and have done with it which in reality is the easiest and possibly the tidiest option.

The Constant State Creep

 It was interesting to listen to a podcast that explored the role of the State.  You probably already know my position on things like Lockdown and the over reach of the State in that.  It goes back before that of course perhaps to the early 2000s maybe the financial crash of that time and it just goes on and on.

We now have politicians telling you how many drinks (containing sugar) you can and cannot have.  They just continue to chip away at liberties and steal our money and tell us it is good for us!  It is beginning to feel (to those of us awake enough) almost oppressive and I for one intend to start to ignore all of this and go and do my own thing.  If you don't obey the orders or get around them, what are they going to do?  It is meant to be Government by consent and I never consented to this nonsense and so that is my push back.

They want to control many (if not all) aspects of our lives but it's time we all pushed back and said no.  Too many people are happy to be ordered around and told what to do.  When I was managing programmes and projects it was amazing to me that so many otherwise highly intelligent people didn't actually know how to go about their jobs, they had to be told what to do, how to do it and when etc.  

I see that they have whispered they may introduce pay per mile for electric vehicles.  I imagine they'll use the onboard inter connectivity of the cars.  I doubt they have sufficient cameras set up to do it across the country.  Let's see if they do introduce it what the push back will be?

It's oppressive, if you let it be I suppose but it needs to be reigned in - we will see where the next budget leaves us.  Being taxed until the pips squeak and on top of that monitored all the time must surely start the asleep to wake from their slumbers.  

Often Happens

The road was meant to be closed but it wasn't, the roadworks were easy to get through.  So easy was it yesterday that I arrived in 35 minutes not my usual 45 as all the lights were green, there were hardly any cars on the road and I just sailed through.  It happens doesn't it that you plan to account for such things and actually, it was no where as bad as you thought.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with a number of old friends and have a chat and enjoy myself too.  Glad I did it as I often say to people, it's normally much better than you thought it would be.  Being an INTJ I am not overly good with people but I have learned how to do a bit of small talk.  As we all hadn't seen each other since May (a long break) it was easier to catch up.  

I feel better than I have done for a while, friends do that for you and it was a special meeting with quite a bit going on.  Somehow I have injured my hip and upper leg and putting pressure on it is quite painful.  Sometimes it is fine other times I get a shooting pain and can barely stand on it!  I hope that it isn't something serious.  For now I've put some cream I have on it and hope that helps.

In other news I am meeting the developer for a beer or three on Tuesday and hope that we can come to an accord on what is going to happen next.  I think I know the answer to it but I want him to run through the options and I want him to come up with the solutions.

I have an open mind on it at the moment, I am just going through the various scenarios and working out my exit strategies.   Who wants or needs all of this stuff at my age?  I think I'd rather be enjoying my retirement than fighting investors seemingly wanting to block progress?  They cannot have it both ways and so I just need to have a strategy document and a decision tree sorted out so I can make an informed conclusion and action plan.  Balancing business and monetary with emotional needs is the "fun" part of these exercises.  How do you correlate a set of life styles against profit and loss?  

Whilst it sounds complex it isn't really as intuitively you know what you are going to do some time before you get there with this exercise.  Will money drive you or your lifestyle?  If you earn more from the business then will you have a better life style? What are you willing to sacrifice for it and so on.  It throws up all of these points but the only thing that will matter is will it deliver what you want?  I think this will be fun and worth the effort to either run with it or decide enough really is enough and have done with it.

Life, The Universe And All That Stuff

 I find it crazy that I am retired and yet I have no time to be retired at all.  This business has kept me busy for years now and for what good it has done me, I may have well as dropped it years ago and just gone out and been retired.  So that's actually the thing isn't it?  What the hell am I doing working on something that now it's done (well half done to be fair) and I've taken all that flack about it no longer feels worth the effort.  

I've just stopped working on it as my heart isn't in it anymore.  I need to make a decision to either run with it, halt it or pause it and the investment in time and money is part of a complex equation around what to do next.  It's one of those thing that can go well if I invest a lot of time and effort, over and above what I've already done, yet, I have lost interest and don't really want to anymore.  Such is the impact of the attacks I've received that if I walked away today, I don't think I would feel anything anymore, it would be a relief.

No doubt once I've spoken to the developer and find out what he is likely to do now I will be better armed to make a logical decision on which way to go.  For now, it's in the balance I feel.  What's the point of using anymore of the life left to me if it is just to fend off attacks from enemies of the company?  If I close it, they too have nothing left to complain about.

It's messy though but I am certain that I will have an answer in the next several weeks.  Who needs all the negativity and uncertainty when I can shut it all down and all that disappears?

Review Incoming

 I've done this before and I suppose life cannot really be planned and neither can it be predicted.  I am in the place where I am through a set of circumstances way out of my control (or are they?).  A project 9 years late, a supplier who has only half delivered a six month project in 8 years! An ex disgruntled business partner who feels that it is appropriate after walking away and leaving me with all the problems to start throwing bombs and brickbats at me despite the fact that it was his actions in the first place that caused this.

All of that can go away in an instant if I shut the business down.  It's a simple enough process to achieve and after a meeting this week I will form an opinion on whether or not to go down that route.  The reasons are that I've had enough of it.  The excuses, the blame game and the accusations from people who have never been involved in the business and I don't actually need this.  

Many years ago I was being (we will call it bullied) harassed by a whole team taking their lead from a senior manager and despite me calling it out to his and my boss it continued unabated for around a year.  I worked through it all and the customer was very supportive and saw what was going on too.  I delivered the part of the project that I was tasked with and whilst it was delayed through others actions the customer was delighted and I received a glowing testimonial.  Two things happened.  I felt the fuse was about to blow (my fuse) so I walked out, spoke to my boss, took two weeks off sick leave and then the second thing happened which was that the customer went ballistic at the business and rightly so.  I'd been warning them about this for a year that all the while everyone was busy making my life hell the customer was watching and making notes.

They had forgotten that they worked for the customer, by making my life hell, the customer could see that the other work was not being done and so as I left, no one had worked out that the delay meant they only had a few months left to deliver the overall project (mine being the enabling design to be used).  They had spent all their budget doing nothing and now the design was approved, they had 3 months left to do 18 months work.  

I was in a self imposed rehab, they were all to lose their contracts and be booted out leaving behind the good guys who would implement the job.  There was a little satisfaction watching it all crumble to dust around them and when I reminded them I had predicted this over a year previously and regularly at management meetings, it probably didn't help that they'd shot the messenger and not dealt with the message.

And here I am again, a little charred around the edges, certainly burnt out and not actually living my best or enjoying my current life.  The Black Dog was really bad this time and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't have got to that spot at all but sometimes when you fly solo you don't have the benefit of team members.

I have two outcomes to the review very binary yes or no to continue and I have plans to think through about it all.  In one way it is the sin of pride that makes me want to make a go of this.  I also have the other view which is "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?"  It will be interesting no doubt.

Nothing To Fear Except Fear Itself

 The phrase "nothing to fear but fear itself" is a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1933 first inaugural address, given during the Great Depression. He used it to encourage Americans, stating that nameless, unreasoning terror paralyses action and that the nation should instead focus on converting retreat into advance by addressing the country's challenges. 

Somehow I am still fearing another solicitor's letter or something like it coming through the post to continue this year long erosion of my mental health.  For I am feeling it in terms of the doldrums of my life, the inactivity and procrastination it heaps on me.  It really is as debilitating as the cr@p that's been thrown at me and I find it hard to actually get up and do things.  I do actually do things but it takes forever to motivate and then actually achieve something.

It's been a year to forget and now I am just looking at it all and wondering "Why the hell did I bother?"  If all I got out of it was feeling ill, stressed, shaky and unwell, what was all that about and is it going to continue to cloud my life like it has?

I see that the things I did to combat all of this over the past 12 months both consciously and unconsciously have indeed provided a solid foundation should there be any further actions although I have no idea what they might be.  I did and said all the right things and set out facts and logical arguments.  The last actions too were well documented and decisive.  I still don't feel right or good about it but I MUST remind myself that none of this is of my making and I have attempted to negotiate but been met with a blank.  If you do not attempt to work out whatever problem you have even though you have been offered the opportunity it bodes ill if you try legal action as if you haven't even attempted to resolve your differences, then you aren't going to get far.

Still I feel bad about it and it is because I could not get any engagement to resolve the issue that he alleges he has.  When I heard that it was because he felt I was treating him as if he was stupid the penny dropped.  The difficulty dealing with non technical and non commercially aware people is that they don't understand the subtlety of some of the points and do not understand the words used.  For example confusing revenue with ownership.  Once stuck in their head they will not take you explaining it and it becomes your fault that they misunderstood completely what you were saying.  

After that, things had to change and that too then compounds the problems and down the rabbit hole we went.  If your only tool is a hammer you treat every problem as a nail and it gets worse and worse and eventually there is no easy way back from your dilemma.  The nail is bent and badly bashed and cannot be withdrawn without ruining the materials around it.  Instead of stopping and reviewing and working our way out of a problem, you double down and just make matters far more disagreeable and harder to resolve with each angrier effort.

So I do fear the postman coming along with yet another threatening letter or worse and really I shouldn't  I hope it is all over but that may not be so.  I need the Fat Lady to sing and then it will be! 

Good - Another Thing Ticked Off The List

 That's the car sorted out which is good.  A little work to do in the New Year which looks to fit in nicely with a trip to the dentists which works out nicely.

At least I wasn't walking around for hours yesterday like the last time.  I was able to drop the car off, get my hair cut and have a big breakfast and then I got the call that the car was almost ready and so that was good, a slow walk, a coffee at the mobile snack bar and collection done.

Next week I have a meet with the developer and we will have a few celebratory beers and a chat about where we go next and then that will set my agenda for what to do next.

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of trying to make this work to just shutting it down and so in those terms, the chat will assist me in deciding what's the right thing to do.  

The App and Business have ruled my spare time and spilt over into most of my time and for who's benefit?  I need to consider what my decisions points are and what's important to me:

• What do I want
• What is success or failure (and does it matter)? What do they look like?
• Health and Wellness
• Home
• Personal
• Hobbies
• Life
• Relationships

Sorting out what is important to me in life.  I sort of inherited this business and ended up be default running it for the best intentions and have only had grief and misery in doing so.  The easiest thing to do is to shut it down entirely, that would get rid of the baggage I am carrying and it would draw a line under it all.  It's pretty easy to do, I just need to decide whether it is right or not.  Let's see what the meeting next week will tell me and add that into the mix and then I can review it and decide what to do to move on. 

In my heart I think I know what I need to do and I need a compelling reason not to do it.  If I start with the answers as what is important to me, then I can consider what to do after that.  

In reality it's an exit strategy from the business as who needs the hassle and trouble of it all when you don't get rewarded or recognized for actually getting it to market? 

Surprising How Little Things Increase Your Wellbeing

 I enjoyed the meeting yesterday and whilst it droned on a bit - some people have no idea of timeliness and dither and waste time, we ate late and I got home quite late too.  BUT, it was nice to meet up with some of my friends and have a nice meeting, meal and few laughs too.

Another meeting on Saturday and that will be three meetings in one week - almost a record!  Today the car passed it's MOT and whilst I need some work undertaken on the brakes next year, all is well.  I parked up, booked it in and then wandered over to the barbers and had a haircut followed by a blow out cooked breakfast and wandered slowly back past the river and explored some footpaths I have never been down before to the trailer nearby where I had a coffee and a small bar of chocolate.  The car drove past me on its test drive and I wandered over by the time it came back to the garage and I am now home.

So things are relatively on an even keel at the moment which is good.  I need to pick up the finances and banking for the meeting which I can sort out this afternoon and then I can get ready for Saturday and do it all again!

I am feeling a bit better than I have done for a while and I just need to try and maintain that balance.  I have to say that the last six months have been pretty bad on my mind and my body but I now have a few months to work out what to do about it.  

Off To Another Meeting

 I feel nervous and shaky but I am going to go to the meeting and see some other good friends whom I haven't seen since July, I am sure I will feel better when I see them and have a chat.  No judgement there and just supportive nice people.

A few minutes left before I go and I am just making the most of a quiet time.   

When You Are Not Thinking Clearly

 It has been a hell of a six months for sure.  It is interesting that it has been around five months since I last went to a Lodge meeting and I was actually quite cheered that I went and I had a good time.  It was nice to be back among friends and brothers.  The roadworks were a challenge but I used the back lanes to get there and back but I see they are also closing one of those roads which leaves no real easy way to get there and back in a few weeks time.  Who on earth decides these things needs to actually live in the area as the terrible state of the roads these days and the sheer number of closures is atrocious.

Other than that it was actually grounding for me.  A friend with whom if you didn't know us, would think we were constantly insulting each other was there.  Now it's a very English (possibly UK) thing and the banter was fun but then I checked how he was and it wasn't good. I knew he had some sort of heart problem as 6 months ago he was missing some teeth after a fall, now happily fixed.  He told me that he actually has a number of problems including Prostate Cancer picked up at a recent test.  added to heart, spine and lung problems his father -in-law passed away at the weekend!  So he an I  briefly spoke about my experiences which he remembers and I wished him well.  

Another friend who nearly hacked off his hand with a chain saw when I was ill was also there and we sort of reminisced about that as he and I spoke often about our mutual problems.

It was nice to fit into my suit and have to adjust my regalia too!  I estimate two inches, possibly three off my waist and chest which was great.  I can easily button up my jacket which was tugging 6 months ago.  My trousers were loose (I use braces which holds them up properly) and yes, that also felt good.  

I woke at around 5 this morning and the full moon was lighting up the whole area and I thought about "things" as I watched the clouds across the face of the moon and decided that perhaps I'd now review things somewhat differently and by that I mean a plan to make a decision about life, the universe and everything.  The business has become personal and will it make a difference to my life and do anything to being joy or happiness day-to-day?  At the moment, probably not.  There's the achievement of getting it to market (half of it rather than all).  There's overcoming all the brickbats thrown at me but do I really want this to be my future and to define the way I live going forward?  I dislike (as most do) being a quitter but that may be the way forward that present trends determine anyway given the useless speech by the chancellor yesterday.

It takes my time, it stops me from being retired and it also steals my energy for little or no purpose.  It's a way forward and may be what I needed to do.  

So a plan is what is needed.  An exit plan - which I never got around to writing because of the nonsense that ensued just before the desertion of the inventor bloke.  

So that's what I am going to do now, take stock, look at the risks vs rewards and determine whether it is worth doing.  There, I feel fine thinking about it and it could be a win / win for me so I can walk away and get on with my life. 

All you need is a grounding event like this and some home truths and news about some of your colleagues, one passed away last week another has had a fall and is in Hospital and you soon start to filter out the negativity in your own life and make plans to change the things that hurt and upset you. 

The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.   

Now To Tackle More Demons

 It's fair to say that this whole episode has worn me down and it isn't just that, there are other factors at play including frustration with myself that I didn't get things done when I should have that other stuff has taken a back seat and so on.  It is all very annoying as it adds weight to my mind when I want a blank or at least clear head.

I need a break and I need it soon.  I am sure I can fit it in but I have 4 days worth of activities in the next 5 days to get through first and then, perhaps, I can take stock.  It is always a crazy time of year and I need to make a decision on all sorts of things some trivial in nature and some more serious.

I am seriously considering some sort of retreat or perhaps counselling, I would welcome the rest and I know what is wrong I am just not facing up to it which is why I might need it.  Facing your demons is a way of thinking about it I suppose?  

What If That Was All It Was About!

 The Okey Cokey?  No, although that might be a disappointment.  No what if someone got it into their head that I thought they were a fool?  Which I didn't but in their mind that's what I implied and they've gone away and brewed on that.  Then after some months they launched an all out attack both personally and business wise on me and then this last thing a year on.

This whole period of nastiness is because this person thought I'd said something.  I tried early on to talk to him but he'd just put the phone down on me and then I offered again after his first viscous attack and again, no refused and then this latest attack where I once again referred to these attacks based on what - yes, hurty words!

Narcissistic Injury is what it is and the way out isn't an option for him, it has to be the destruction of the person that he believes is the cause of it all. 

I have to say that I haven't felt this down for years and years and I am just building myself back from it.  It really has affected me quite badly and I am just taking time to rebuild.  I've halted working on the business for a short while whilst I regather my thoughts.  

I have no doubt that somewhere along the line this guy is going to throw up some more barriers but this time, he had better have something pretty substantial.  There's not too much he can do other than make himself a nuisance.  I would have thought if he goes for solicitor opinion they'd explain why he can't do much more.

That's Better - Calm (ish) Ness Returns

 Yes, altogether a better calmer temperament today.  The shakes are diminishing thank goodness and whilst I am not 100% chipper, I am feeling a lot calmer in myself and there is far less stress.  In many ways the experience has forced me to rethink what I am doing.  I am meant to be retired and yet ended up by default running this business.  So I am taking stock of that situation now and deciding what to do about it.

I am also going to have to go back Elephant Eating.  Doing a little bit at a time.  I cannot fix it all right now so slowly slowly catchy monkey it shall have to be.  What is difficult is what to do first and so it will be the nearest thing to hand I suppose.  Once again, I need to actually do it not procrastinate and it's easy to do that in November.  Christmas is coming, New Year and so on, "I'll do that next month" and so on.

Oh well, typing this isn't going to get me started on this pile of stuff I can see by my desk. Onward!

A Second Opinion Always Helps

 Well it was great to meet up for breakfast.  Nice to hear both of our stories although not much good news rally is there?  I think we both felt a shift in the atmosphere with the goings on politically and economically and it was interesting to see my friend's reaction to my descent into the darkness experience.

It's not just the one thing I think we both agreed, it's a number of things added together that contribute to me feeling low.  Sure, the business is one thing but there's other contributory factors too.  Stuff isn't going "particularly well" I think they say in modern parlance.

It is always good to get a balanced review of your situation and apparently I should have rung earlier and I knew that but you don't do that much or at least I don't.  

I am mentally exhausted though and need a rest.  Not much of that incoming in the next two weeks but after that, perhaps I can just take a break and then see where we go from there.  I'd feel a lot better if I could raise my game and achieve some stuff but whilst I did yesterday, it was only for a day and I need to devise some way of a daily advancement to get things to improve.  Not easy for someone like me to do really.  

I know the answers but implementing them and holding the discipline to do them, well, that's a different matter altogether.  

Bottom line is that it isn't just the business cr@p that's dragging me down it's other stuff too.  I'm just not dealing with it very well that's all.  The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in.  

Breakfast With My Friend

 We go back a long way - probably 30 years or so and whilst we didn't quite hit it off first time, we gradually grew to respect each other and he's a great guy.  He is also a fellow survivor and we had cancer (different ones) but closely associated at the same time so we spent time sorting out our recoveries etc.

Today will be good as it will cheer me up no end and I can "discuss" what's just happened to me.  I sure hope I don't drain his energy - it can happen when you are discussing traumatic events.

What I cannot understand is quite how badly it has shaken me up.  I suppose I haven't seen this level of aggressive behaviour in a long time and I think I now understand what it actually is.  It certainly wasn't business and it certainly now appears to be personal albeit couched and hidden as some sort of regime change.

It appears to be something like 'Narcissistic Injury' or, 'Ego-Defensive Reactivity.'  His people are defending him, not applying business logic to the logical arguments and financial information I provided.  So that in itself implies that he has fed them a particular story that centres on his being wronged rather than the very loose reasons cited to have me removed as the director.  Interesting indeed.  The trouble is I offered early on to mediate and it was bluntly turned down and no one took that on board either.

When you deal with non business people you expect this I suppose but here we are.  The problem is I don't feel like it is a victory as it was pretty obvious what he was doing (not why he was doing it until just after the meeting when it became clear).  It became clear because as one of his friends left he used a phrase that then reminded me that this was the very phrase used when the chap quit the business!  

It's all about a word, it's all about him and feeling foolish.  He's then gone away and built a whole story about how he's been "cheated", "fooled", "wronged" and so on and his pain body and ego have added to this and he's got angrier and angrier seeking revenge and getting even (or more).  Of course his friends have rallied around and bought in to the narrative and it was telling that no one contacted me, discussed the statement or indeed appeared to have fully understood the position I was in and that he had put the company in.

Oh well, breakfast awaits and I hope that I will be feeling a lot better after that and a chat.

I Put Her Down Hours ago

 This relates to a passage in A New World where two monks are walking through driving torrential rain and come upon a village where a young lady needed to cross the road.  The older Monk picked her up so she did not get muddy and carried her across the road.   They went on their way and after around 5 hours the younger Monk said that they were not allowed to do that.

The older Monk smiled and said, I put her down hours ago.

So what I hear you say but it is that sort of thing we humans are extremely bad at.  We hold onto stuff and the outrage grows from a small incident into something far worse.

Yesterday my mind moved over to this when I realised that there is every possibility that this guy making my life and the businesses life hell could all be about how he thought I might of made a fool of him even though he never said anything at the time about it.  I certainly never said it although I am tempted to say it now.  

He's let this brew on his mind and it has grown and grown and instead of the adult conversation where he could have said something to me and I could have apologised it's full on retribution and tribal warfare.  For a word.....  

No wonder I am feeling it as well as it is an unbelievable reaction and his actions are beginning to look like he's going to invade Poland!   Could it be that all that effort and all that money has gone to a revenge vendetta because of a hurty word imagined in a conversation?  The more I think about it the more that crystallizes and hones into sharp focus.  "He's not a fool"  well you could have kidded me as who would spend the time and energy trying to destroy their own business and for why? 

Oh well, I have no idea what he will attempt to do next having exhausted his repertoire.  Hopefully he will go away and never darken my door again - they never do, do they?  I've seen it time after time as the red mist comes down and people do some pretty stupid things out of temper.   

Surely Not

 A phrase that someone used at the end of the meeting last week was something along the lines of he's not a fool.  Those words were used over a year ago by this chap giving me all the grief and I thought no, surely not, he can't be holding on to a simple misunderstanding from all that time ago.

Simple it is and I suppose he may have got the drift that me having told him and written it out 4 or 5 times that I was repeating very slowly once again he felt I was making him appear a fool - who knows who to?  He was the only one in the room!

Surely it cannot be that but the more I considered it, the more this makes some sort of sense now.  Having got the wrong end of the stick he then threw all his toys out of the pram and he's been a pain in the arse ever since.  Wow, has that really played on his mind all this time?  Now of course, having pursued this to (I hope) its conclusion, it has become a self fulfilling prophecy and the result is what he had imagined a year ago.

If this is what it is and I'm now fairly certain that it is, there isn't a way back for either of us as what he feared had happened (and hadn't) now has if that makes any sense at all?

So That's The Paperwork Done - Relaunch

 So that's is now done, the meeting minutes and covering letters in the post and whilst I feel this is all behind me now, I still dread what this bloke and do next?  I don't think there is much but you never know if he will quit and call it a day.  Judging by his attitude to date, you'd have to say he will come up with something equally aggressive and just annoying and upsetting although what it could be remains to be seen I suppose.

As an INTJ it doesn't make a lot of sense to me how people can get all charged up about things and how, on earth, things have escalated because, you know, feelings!  It beggars belief that this actually may all be down to how he thinks I may have treated him "like a fool" Apparently that sounds like what it is - coming from someone else.  If that's what I have gone through all of this cr@p for then it makes it even worse.  How can you deal with people like that?  

Anyway, the bottom line is that the action has been defeated and the business should be secure.  I am sure he can continue to make things difficult if he wants but frankly it's time to let it go. Me?  I'm going to talk with a few people and then make a decision.  I'd rather walk away than play anymore games.

A Little Better Today

 The problem when you are being attacked is that you take it personally and whilst back in the day I never used to, these days I do.

I feel sorry for this chap which perhaps I shouldn't but he doesn't appear to know how to handle a dispute he kicked off and which went from I never want to see or deal with you again, to the most outrageous attack letter to something of an afterthought letter which I ignored to this latest nastiness of regime change.

Looking at the first letter which was pretty awful it has diminished somewhat and the reasons to get rid of me were feeble but he then rallied his friends and attempted to get rid of me.  What I need to do is not to feel bad about him because he was willing to chuck me under a bus because of "feelings" not logic, not anything like that.  The stuff he wrote wouldn't stand up in a real shareholder's meeting as it would have been laughed out but he convinced his friends to join in.  The statement I wrote explained why they shouldn't but he hadn't told them that if he had of won it would almost certainly have caused the business to cease trading. 

There was no thought as to how to transition the business or how to disseminate 9 years work and pass over the business.  I think he thought well I'm the Director now and miraculously it would be made so.  Perhaps he has taken his lead from the Labour party?  They pronounce stuff and have no idea that they have to act on it.  No one seemed to pick up on it but then they've just got lumps of paper shares and they've never known anything about the business unless he told them.

The whole thing is stupid and pointless and even though I offered him a way back, he refused it and so here we are digging in deeper as if it is WW1!  I cannot make him talk or mediate and hopefully he's now received a sting and put down having lost this latest round.  Who knows.  He can I suppose launch some sort of huge legal action but he wouldn't get a 51% nod as I see it and it would cost a fortune to achieve precisely the square root of FA.  

It takes a while to settle down from nasty stuff like this and I'm sure he'll have something to say about it further along the line.  This time, if it comes, it needs to be brushed off properly.  If only we had a good number of sales I'd be able to do that but we've only been live 2 weeks and I've been dealing with him which doesn't give room for sales.

A short break and a chat with a few friends and get some balance back.  All of this over some misunderstanding and control of a company with big debts, no sales and having to combat noise and bluster! 

That Was Horrible - What An Up And Down Weekend

 That was dark, very dark, everything went dark on Saturday it was frightening but grabbing the book (A New Earth) dug me out of the hole and also got me back out of the very very black place I was in.  I've never really felt anything quite like it, meeting with a Death Eater from Harry Potter perhaps might give you the idea of what it was like.

The room, my mind, my body all went dark, black inside and drawing into myself.  I never want that again.  Much of the trembling has stopped and I can actually use my PC mouse and write again, so bad was it.  Yes, never again.  I am meeting up with my good friend this week and he and I both had our Cancers at the same time and resonate at the same frequency.

A reset is what is required and that is probably what I will now do.  Just reset myself and give myself some time and space.  

I remember years ago suffering from constant business attacks from so called colleagues and getting to a point that it wasn't worth it.  I knew I wasn't well and was burning out so I went into work one morning a few days after I had completed my tasks.  Wrote an email to my team, then one to my boss - whom I had warned repeatedly that his team were hounding me. Then left the office, walked to HQ and then spoke to my boss, said I was going away for 2 weeks and that I would be filing an official complaint because he had ignored my warnings over the months (pointing him to the various emails) and then I got a train home going past all the commuters coming into London.  I was home by 10 and then disconnected everything, put in the automatic messages and disappeared for 2 weeks. 

So maybe something like that leading up to Christmas - I'll work on it.  The difficulty is fighting the Ego and Pain Body as they truly did have a hold these past few weeks and I feel like I've been in a boxing match, the trouble is, I've been in a boxing match with myself which means I am pretty beaten up with it all.

At least the shaking has subsided and what we used to call a mental breakdown was averted and it's just a bit of annoyance and stress resident in my body that will need to be worked off in the next few days. 

OMG That Was SO Bad... Black Dog

Only a few times in my life have I been to such a very dark place.  When I kind of knew I had Cancer and when I was diagnosed with it.  When I told my Ex that it was all over.

Yesterday was as low as I think I have ever been.  It was horrible as if the lights were going out in the room and I collapsed in on my mind for a short while.  Perhaps an hour I was in very very dark territory.  I'm not fully out of it but I came to a conclusion that this could not go on and so found and then read my well dog eared copy of Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' - there is a section about the Pain Body and I really needed to read that and just stop the slide into one of the worst depressions I can thin of.  

Of course, nothing has happened, it's all in my head about what may or may not happen.  I suppose worrying about what might happen is counter productive but the ego and the pain body are pretty evil things and your own head gangs up on yourself.  It isn't logical and the INTJ kicks in and over analyses stuff that it doesn't need to.  All the permutations all of it nags to be heard and analysed and what if scenarios built and taken down.  I sometime hate my analytical brain and I need to just spend some time rebuilding - my confidence if gone, through the floor.  I dread getting the next letter from this bloke and yet, what is he going to do?  He's tried everything so far and I've not caved in but oh God, it's tiresome and I don't want or need it.

I'm seeing a very old and trusted friend this week and hopefully that might give me the reset I need.  Doing this all on your own isn't great either and I still have very shaky hands and huge doubts about my abilities and experience tells me that I should just treat it as business (which of course it is).  

Anyway, there we go.  A day of Eckhart Tolle and similar will I hope settle me down again.  At least I am not in the very dark place of yesterday.  

It Doesn't Make Sense Why I Feel Bad

 I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I feel somewhat bad about the meeting because, he's been trying to destroy me all the way along.  Not for any business reasons you understand but because he thinks I took him for a fool.  There's no other explanation other than he is just one of those people who have an evil heart I think and is hell bent on revenge but the problem is that it will come at a cost.  

It showed itself yesterday it was how I feel a meeting with your ex might be when you've been "done wrong!" but it showed a really nasty side to him which I have now seen manifest over the past 6 months.  

I then need to realise that all of this is to do with him and his actions would also have brought down the other shareholders and the business as there was no way he can pick up a business and un-stitch it from all of the IT and contractual elements if he had one.  Of course his friends are not versed in business either and perhaps follow him because they are sure he is right.  The inevitability is they all go down with the sinking ship.

Oh well, so be it but I feel bad and I think it is stress and worry more than anything else you know.  What is he going to do next?  Well there is little I think he can do next but you never know, he's tried just about all of the moves.  That's my next thing to go and check what possible moves remain?  

I now need to detach myself from this and work away from it.  It has gone on long enough and I am now thinking why not, why not give it all up and watch it crash and burn?  That's not a good starting point but it does one thing, it gets me out of the situation and it means I can get on with my life.  Choices.... 

Yuk. What Did I Expect?

 The trouble when you deal with non business people who think it is personal is you get an awful row and it got heated and messy ending up with him walking out and the vote didn't go ahead.  On reflection, that's fine albeit I never want to see this bloke again.  Nasty piece of work when he gets going.

Oh well, let's see what, if anything, he can now do?  So stressful too, I don't need it.  

And Here We Are, Decision Day

 I am calm and strangely still and quiet this morning.  Gone are the doubts and gone are the worries about today.  My hands still shake a little but that's been going on for a while now and I just need to ensure that I have my notes and wits about me.

What has brought about this is the final what if thinking last night.  I raised up from the detail and just viewed what is this actually all about.  That in itself brought the meeting down to one thing and one thing only.  It's a yes/no vote that's all it is.  I am guaranteed to win it but they don't know that at the moment.

I need to stay calm and collected no matter what comes up and ensure that the vote is the thing that matters, that's all that has been demanded.  The rest of it is noise or irrelevant and so it is only how they react and I cannot control that, I can only control myself and how I react.  I've been doing  this for years and so it shouldn't be something difficult or new to me excepting that it is about losing my position and business.  

I am prepared for this, I have played it out far too much in my head and need to realise that I must stop my potty mouth sarcasm just for a short while as this is taking place.

Everything is scripted and as my good friend and I used to say (all the time) "Follow the process" - that's all I need to do is to follow the process and bring it back to process if it drifts away.  No more no less, no going off subject just follow the process.

One Day Nearer

 And let's hope this nails it once and for all.  These days I don't deal with things in the way I used to and I dislike confrontation at the best of times but at least, once it is over I can just turn the corner and move on.  Whether he does, is up to him I guess.  I've had a series of these threats and nasty letters etc and for what purpose?  Who knows?  Some people go off and do strange things I suppose?

This has always been an aggressive campaign from the start and despite the obvious huge variances in arguments put forward and the obvious counter intuitive points made defying logic and conflicting viewpoints, still these pathetic arguments and points arrive and so let this be an end to it.  I doubt he can let it go though and his accomplices have followed his lead blindly and not thought "How is this possible?"  or "Surely this cannot be right?"  but no, they've also followed this chap into the 500.

I just need to keep calm and maintain a clear head tomorrow and get the business through promptly.  I I expect that there will be disbelief from his side at the outcome as he has expelled so much bitter vile in my direction that he hasn't looked at the simple facts plain for all to see, right in his face.  

I am surprised that he hasn't wondered why I have not resigned and why I am letting the meeting go ahead.  I suppose he still has a little time left to contemplate why.  

Attempted Theft Is What It Is In Reality

 Given the benefit of the doubt for too long now I see that there are no scruples or honour here.  I guess I've always known that but I have now got to the point where I am getting a seething anger about all of this.

Who abandons things and leaves me to pick up the pieces and then 6 months later threatens all sorts of actions and a year later wants me removed from my position so he can take control?  I've had a year of picking it all up and getting it to market now - it is actually working and in the wild and he wants to take it away and in all probability will destroy it as you can imagine that I'd be especially cooperative in handing it all over for nothing.  They haven't a clue at all, not a scooby and I have to call it for what it is, it is plain and simple theft of the business and robbery of all the work I have done.  

It should never have got to this and I have offered to discuss but they (or is it him alone) want to wrestle it away and expect to find a business in a box awaiting them.  Yea, right, I'm just going to hand over all the paperwork, accounts and the like.  

Why are people like this?  What makes them think for one minutes that it is acceptable behaviour to do it too?  People these days have no qualms do they?  He walked out leaving me with it and now I've made it work and market ready he wants it back having done nothing to make that happen and firing off cr@p at me for the past 6 months.  

It Really Is A Turbulent Time For Me

 It's hard to describe the very mixed emotions I am going through right now.  I am as prepared for Friday's vote as I ever can be and squeaky clean but I still need to settle down as I am very edgy and shaky about it all.  I cannot lose the vote but I am going to have to deal with this bloke who's making my life hell (or maybe I am making my own life hell thinking about it).  Back in the day I would probably have looked at his cold dark eyes and mentioned that I could see all the way to his cold black heart but hey, not now, I have to be professional and balanced and that is perhaps it.  Back in the day, when I used to deal with such stuff day in day out I'd be able to say stuff like that and trade insults all day long and generally be OK with it all unless one of my stupid bosses were involved when I'd let them do all the talking, bury themselves deeper and I'd go pick up the pieces with the customer afterwards.

This is different and I should know better but it's the culmination of around 6 months of this sort of thing.  I'm having to prepare a lot because this bloke is being "Mr. Angry" and it's been unpleasant and so whilst I think when people see you eye to eye in the same room they  usually calm down I worry that this guy has been quite irrational so far.  Quite cowardly too hiding behind solicitor's letters and so on but now he's had to bring this to a special meeting that only he can attend (or can he?) and I need to be on my game so that the procedure is adhered to.  He likes to use the rules to throw the bombs.

Because he appears to be irrational and indeed his actions and words are conflicted.  He no longer wanted any communication and then complains when I have not contacted him for example.  So many of these statements made and then feigned surprise that he hasn't received things he himself expressly ordered not to happen.  

His cohort of shareholders have gone along with him and of course he "gifted" them their shares but not one of them has looked in detail at the evidence to arrive at their vote.  None of them have looked at the financial impact if they were to succeed either, if you make a regime change then there had better be a compensation package.  Of course there isn't, it's a vindictive, vexatious, getting even type action.  I'm not dealing with business people either so it's all just some sort of action without consequence to them.

I'm just though processing all sorts of things and trying to deal with my over analysis in my head.  I know that I should trust the process.  I know what to do and how to do it, I think it is the worry of dealing with amateurs and their reaction to them losing the vote quite heavily on Friday. 

Damn Claustrophobia

 I feel I am going through it at the moment and waking u with the room closing in on me is not nice.  It happens occasionally and I dealt with it by going downstairs and falling asleep in the snug area.  However, the problem remains that it is all part of the stress I am having with this company problem and that is affecting everything I do.  It is just the unnecessary cr@p that this bloke is hurling at me.  None of it is necessary at all, none of it makes any sense, if he succeeded in his plans there'd be a total disaster for the business, it would collapse and it would be yet another one of those stupid (and I've seen it often in my working life) things where someone has talked themselves into failure and snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

It is though having its toll on me and now I've started to think, why not? Why not just walk away and leave him with the biggest mess to deal with - I imagine it would ruin him financially - although I'd do something else.  But that's me of course.

I need to break this spiral downwards.  It should be all over this time next week and so I only need to hang on until then.  It's a bit like stressing before an operation.  It doesn't actually do anything to help.

The Madness Of Crowds

 I fail to see why people follow like Sheep and lack critical thinking skills these days.  We used to have a class at school which I think wasn't called but was critical or logical thinking where we would debate a chosen subject, Euthanasia was one such that I vividly recall.  Mainly because one of the lads thought t was all about "Youth in Asia".  However, I digress.  

Given a set of facts delivered on the one hand and a load of strange disconnected things loosely tied together as a case, it would be perhaps obvious to the casual observer that the facts, compiled in chronological order would outweigh hearsay and rumour?  Of course not!

I do despair of our people today who cannot sift through details and logic or if they even looked properly cut through the nonsense and make judgements based on hard facts.  But it seems they cannot and they are invested into some illogical rantings rather than a set of hard and fast points.

If this is the level of investment into coming to a decision then we should all be worried.  

Haven't Heard From You In A While

 Nice to get a message from someone stating that they hadn't heard from me in a while.  Good to hear from him and that he noticed I'd not been quite so active on social media for a while.

So we exchanged a few notes and I am going to see him next month sometime so I can catch up with him then I guess.

I suppose you never stop wondering quite what all this stuff is about do you?  I play through my head various scenarios and yet, I know what the outcome is going to be.  I just don't know how he will react to it.  I suppose it doesn't matter too much.  I hope he will run out of options but there's sure to be something else for him to moan about. Mind you for someone who abandoned everything to do with the business he's certainly bleating on about it.  A retraction and a full apology would have sorted it out but no, not this loser, full on frontal assault.

Oh well I have to remind myself that it hasn't happened yet and we are getting towards that bit in the Westerns where the two gunslingers are just starting to squint their eyes and reach for their guns.  It never ends well when you set out down the line he has.  

The Difficulty Is That It Makes No Real Sense

The trouble with a logical mind is that you have real difficulty processing people who get emotional about business stuff.  You can understand it in a social context (well I'm sure others are better at that than me) but in a business context it has no real place.

Back in the day I would handle that as a weapon against the perpetrator.  If you keep bringing the person back on track and stop the conversation and restart the process to get them to agree with the facts they will either do that but more often than that, with the facts continually presented to them they'd end up getting annoyed and voila, you've got them.

The present situation doesn't make sense because the argument is built on sand and no matter what way I look at it, this is an insane set of circumstances presented not in any way to resolve a problem but to heighten tensions and be belligerent for the sake of it.  It's as if there is no plan and the outcome wanted doesn't make any sense either as both lead to the downfall of the argument.  So as there is no logical outcome and there is no way to resolve this apart from him losing his case, it just seems a bizarre thing to do.  If you start a mini war then what are you hoping to gain?  What's the end goal, what is its purpose, its raison d'être?  There is none apart from bloody minded petty revenge and for what?  By his own actions we are in this place.  I've tried all lenient means to try and resolve it but, no, he won't have it and it's only my head on a platter will resolve the matter.

His friends, voting with him, cannot see the "Turkeys voting for Christmas" - they've all blindly followed his clarion cry which if achieved would end the business and leave him facing ruin.  I doubt he'd be able to pick up the business reins before the money runs out!  

Anyway, that's is what is unnerving me, that it isn't logical, it isn't rational, it makes no sense whatsoever and it's stupid and self destructive in the extreme.  If I wasn't so heavily invested I think I would have let him have his way and then watch as his world caved down around him.

It plays with my head why people do such crazy illogical things that will pour down destruction on their own heads and why his friends have pushed him into these series of actions.  Maybe they hate him?

 

Painting Oneself Into A Corner

 I know that for some people it must be difficult to vent their anger and then actually rationalise things and then make a plan, review it, test it, refine it and have various options before action.  If you don't then you tend to be running mightily fast into.... a brick wall!

There seems to be no overall plan at all, just the revenge cycle.  In each case, there's been no way out (for me) and no win / win outcome.  It's all good news for him and bad for me, no attempt at mediation and a dealing in absolutes and so where I've offered a way forward and a route out of this, he's gone about his business in a full frontal charge, a Light Brigade or Over The Top assault and has only sought that as his answer.

He is now left with his back against the wall, painted into the corner and doesn't realise it.   Convinced he will win and assured of his inevitable victory he cannot see the peril that lies before him.

That's how I'd like to keep him too, full of his impending defeat over his enemy, I hope he has a small celebration planned for after the meeting so that he can pass around his tears and they can collectively commiserate with themselves.  I think I said before that these are the sorts of people you wouldn't want with you in a spot of bother.  They are voting with him because he is their friend and yet none of them can have read the statements (or even have been worried) about his threatening letter to me - containing a physical threat.  So they are all condoning the violence threatened in there and worse still they are not standing up for the right thing, the right reasons.  Not one of them is!  I think that I would not allow myself to do that but then, that's me!

Not one of them has thought of what it actually means to their shares by voting this way.  But then not one of them has in anyway been involved in the business or contributed anything meaningful either in monetary terms or any input whatsoever so I suppose it's academic to them anyway.

I am having to remain neutral about it, difficult as that is, as I have to face off against him and it works to be calm and matter of factual about these things.  

Then It All Makes Sense And Peace Descends

 It's not a multi Million Pound business, not by any means and it hasn't made any money in 9 years.  Yet it felt like it throughout the year and that's the bottom line of why I was quite so het up about it all.  I know it could be big and I also realise that it could run off into a siding somewhere never to be seen again.

But there;s the injustice in it all and that yet again some febrile random has changed character from good to pure evil ever so quickly.  I think he is either ill or is being controlled.  It happened rapidly over he course of 6 or 7 days at most and at this time last year.  That was the complete divorce letter and then 6 months later the full broadside attack and here we are now because the first letters did nothing and did not bring about my removal which he craved.  Now we have perhaps the last throw of the dice which he currently thinks is the final gambit, the coup de grâce in his long line of attacks.

I've now settled down because I can no longer be bothered by it all and because he's now over played his hand, I see you and what you are trying to do and I know it isn't you doing it.  Two things.  One is he is going about this all wrong and should have realised by now that all of my responses have been aimed at negotiations and discussions and his are attacks and slanders in some cases but the other is that he is being advised strangely so Two I don't see if he or the puppet master in charge understand that they'd have to compensate me and they wouldn't get their hands on the business until they did.  By the time we got to Tribunal all the accounts and emails would have expired, they'd be no money in the Bank for paying the accountant and all the others that need paying etc.  That's why I wonder who it can be in charge the solicitors just seem to forward the letters and why haven't they advised caution?

Yes, it is strange but then lots of people don't actually have a plan for their actions and do not think it through.  I doubt there's a risk mitigation plan in place and no one appears to have properly read his statement or my business style response.  But I know where I stand now and so that's a good thing as it clears away any doubt about it.  They've voted with their friend and not in the best interests of the business.  Ho hum. 

So I am less anxious than I have been, I'll be prepared for the meeting and my only fear is that he is quite angry (or comes across as such) and so I hope he doesn't get violent after he loses, I'm prepared for that but I actually hope he, like people who have tried this on me before is left with his jaw hanging open and bewilderingly wondering what the hell just happened!  

The Other Side Of The Lines

 No worrying about stuff today and no thought other than to protect the business, protect myself and to hell with the rest of them.  I cannot be having feelings for people who want me deposed from my job, having never met me or interacted with me.  Who's votes conspire to steal the business I built and which he and they deserted a year ago and now want to be part of, more so than their invisible shareholding for the past 9 years.

Not only do they want the business, they want all the money and they want to steal it off me by offering nothing in return for the work and expense - my time and money.  That's what happens when you deal with people who don't appear to have business sense and acumen - much like out current Government in many ways.  These pathetic turncoats make Rachel Reeves look almost competent.

Of course there's someone else behind all of this but it will be up to them to work out why they went for this burning bridges approach?  I'd offered discussions but full on attack is their approach and Sun Tzu and his book 'Art Of War' need to be my guide once again.  It's worked for me in the past and this time, unless he twigs what is going on, the rush towards his own undoing is assured.  

It will be no real victory as the film "The Untouchables" and Sean Connery's character said something like "Don't bring a knife to a gunfight!"  The stuff he published over the weekend is meant to intimidate me to believing he has secured enough votes to depose me.  That probably reassures him that he will 'win' but it also means that someone is controlling him to keep the pressure up and wanting me to concede but I want to see the whites of his eyes in the meeting and whilst I wouldn't normally do so, watch the wind go out of his sails as he comes to realise that his mission has failed.  Six months of his bitterness and anger can then go POP and he can sulk away and work out what to do next.  

It will be interesting to see who among his friends is Worm Tonguing him?  

So What's It Going To Be?

 How long do I go on making excuses for and accepting this awful human being for?  I think that I've done the christian bit way too much now and when his cards were shown yesterday I now fully understand that he has canvassed the shareholders and they will all vote with him and at least I now know what I thought was the case all along.  The trouble is they are all as delusional as he is.  He figures that if he votes me out and he takes over, everything will be fine and I will have to hand over all the business assets and so on.

He thinks that this comes with no financial cost to himself.  No doubt the magic money tree will provide.  So I am not dealing with a realist at all more a Walter Mitty type character with some strange view of the world.  The only person who has any business acumen in the group if most probably the one person who should know better but I think they are the ones to prick up the pieces, waiting in the wings to bayonet the wounded and pick over the corpses.

Not one of them has the best interests of the business in focus and not one of them could comprehend the complexities of unravelling 9 years worth of work!  

So, I am now turning my attention to the fall out that this meeting will have.  It will be quite interesting I imagine and I need to now disconnect myself from the personalities and the working relationship that was there before.  It is he that has lost his head whether through spite or vengeance (for what I am not sure) and all of these are his actions.  Publishing the letter where he threatened me physically didn't do anything and so that sets out the calibre of the people I am dealing with. No one has condemned his actions as far as  I know.  If I saw something like that I would like to be on the right side for sure.  They don't know me and have now all colluded to try and have me removed from my job.  So be it.  

I find lots of people these days have no moral compass and are outraged in one area but not in others, they shout about one sort of "this next thing" and utterly silent on similar matters when their intelligentsia whistle kicks in.  So with these people now having facts before them take the side of a bully and someone who threatens violence unless he gets his way!  Where was their thoughts in this but then I realise that they were each gifted their shares and he is just collecting their eternal souls as payment.  A quisling effort the lot of them.

So, now it's time to actually stop worrying about it and prepare to pull that carpet from under them all in a short while and try not to look smug or anything else as it's only business and that's all it is.  

On Edge - Sunday Thoughts

 Yes, why is that?  I think it because the tactics used by this bloke are all planned to put me at a disadvantage and yesterday another letter which told me much of what I knew already about the man.  It's not him pulling the strings here.  Goodness knows it is costing him a small fortune in solicitors and postage alone.  

I really am not happy about it and it's long since gone the point where this is acceptable behaviour.  Once the meeting is over and done with I'd like to hope that that is it.  I cannot think of anything further he can attempt.  This is full regime change and he showed me part of his hand sending me copies of the proxy votes.  It's a typical intimidation ploy and so I guess what he's showing is that he has a strong hand and in his estimation, has won the argument.  I know different as he hasn't worked out the difference between the number of votes and the percentage of votes.

I could, but I cannot be arsed to play silly buggers here.  I could quite easily start to confuse the situation but it really isn't worth it, the business hasn't even turned a buck as of today and I'm not expecting it too for a while but this guys full on as if it is some massive corporate.  Whoever is controlling him is an interesting thing and let's hope that he turns his attention on them when this horrible sad episode concludes in a few weeks or so.  

Pest Control

 Like an annoying fly buzzing around your head and making that buzz noise past your ears, this bloke has turned into a complete nuisance.  I have fly spray here but not human spray!  I don't think we citizens are allowed mace or pepper sprays LOL!

Another letter arrived this morning and it's designed to be Intimidatory and threatening - which it is slightly for it shows how people are going to vote in the upcoming shareholder's meeting.  And if I run the numbers it should indeed threaten me.  But I want to see the whites of his eyes when he metaphorically pulls the trigger to remove me from the business except that I don't think it will actually work out that way.

He's still got almost two weeks to throw some more stuff at me.   

The Task Ahead

 It's almost a year since the parting of ways and then shortly afterwards we found that the App needed to be totally rewritten.  Looking back today on the adverts and stuff from a year ago it certainly looks as if I was in full flow on the social media stuff and looking forward to the launch.

A year.  It sounds a long time and in many ways, a lot has happened since then.  None of it is making it any easier as this chap is still bothering and harassing me.  I hope in two weeks time that it will be over and that it will free me up to really concentrate on the business.  

Today I am stalling and procrastinating a bit because despite being ready for this launch moment something is nagging me and I am not sure what it is but I know that if that is stopping me from acting on the plan, then I need to just take a short break and then resolve whatever it is.  

So a short moment's reflection is required whilst I try and understand what is happening here.

The Great Day Has Arrived

 Yes, here we are I can push the release button when I like, everything has passed muster and it is literally, just a push of a button away.  I think I will wait until the OH is here and we can finally after 8 long years go for it.  It seems like a lifetime and yet another stupid pedantic letter arrived from this bloke who is determined to make my life hell.  After getting fretted up about it, it shows the level of the man.  

I'll be meeting him eye-to-eye in a few weeks if he doesn't back out of it that is. It depends on whether his friends side with him or abstain (that's what I'd do) but I think that he wouldn't have taken on this action unless he'd spoken to them but perhaps they might reflect on the facts they now have before them will they vote for money or for oblivion?  

Oh well, it will be resolved soon.  For now back to launch day and hopefully some interesting times ahead.  

Law Of Unintended Consequences

FAFO is pretty apt for the problems I am having with a certain individual as he will find out soon.

What though this is about is the number of stories you read or hear about where someone (but generally some government local or otherwise) comes up with a brainwave, pushes it through against all the evidence to the contrary and then has to spend more of yours and my money putting it right or in some cases doubling down until complete destruction is wrought.  They then appear like moles emerging into the bright sunlight, hardly believing their eyes at how Armageddon has devastated their ideas.

Take the parking restrictions in many places, priced to actually make revenue they in fact deter people from going to town, I now only go for seeing my Dentist once a year or my optician once every two years.  When I have been recently I can always find a space!  It used to be that yo'd have to try two or three car parks but now, as the tumbleweed blows across the tarmac it's much easier and more expensive.  The shops are either up in arms about it (some offering to cover the cost of your car parking) or like about 50% of the high street are boarded up!

Same town, they made plans for a one way system and using the ring road and narrowed the high street and put in larger pavements.  They did not however, have pull ins for the busses and so after a very short time of it opening we had neither this bypass system working and the traffic was backed up because when a bus stopped, everything stopped and you couldn't overtake either really.  Space given for pedestrians added to the blockage and they had to reverse engineer it back to the old system and blow me down it worked!  Millions of our money once again.

I still use the mantra "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"  but they always have to justify their position by doing good things and f*****g it up.  "There's been a huge drop in trade and we'd urge people to come and visit our lovely town"  In other areas by the sea they put the charges up so much that no one came and they were once again blinking in the bright sunlight and could not understand it.

They painted Double Red Lines in some areas and businesses now have half or less of the trade they used to have.  We truly are run by Muppets and that';s being cruel to Muppets.  Businesses move away and customers are happy to drive to the outskirts to the large supermarkets and stores because the parking is plentiful and free and there are more facilities.

The waste of money is outrageous and no one gets punished for it anymore, no one sees the stupidity of local parish councils my local one serving less than a 1,000 people getting involved in climate change.  The larger councils getting involved in politics in Africa or debating and ruling on Ukraine or commenting on Middle East policy.  They cannot even empty the bins properly and treat us like kids.

Slowly we see it unravel and let's hope it isn't long before the adults take back the reins and stop this awful waste of resources.

Feeding The Crocodile

 Winston Churchill famously said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last”.  We see this more and more these days.  Cowardly politicians will not go and take the hard route to tackle the ills of the country having actually caused those ills in the first place.  Looking after your people should be your first sworn duty but not this omnishambles of the past 20 or more years.  No, they cannot be brave and tackle the problems made by them as appeasers and servants to the wet liberal metropolitan elite (let's call them woke).  

Every move they make actually makes things worse and more complex and appeasement and change is forced on people along with more censorious draconian limits on our liberties and ever more tax paid by us to fix the haemorrhaging of cash to anywhere but where it is needed.  The list of projects the money is spunked up on is outrageous. The leaking of money by public servants (they are no longer civil) who are not business people is truly mind blowing.  Billions here and billions there and we have forgotten how to build things and how to control and manage money.

Gradually the public are seeing it for what it is.  There's been a shift in the overton window and the noisiest uninformed people, the real racists and bigots who believe themselves to be good and kind are rising to the top like scum in a septic tank.  We can see them now, we see that they are the very thing they accuse us of being.  The be kind brigade are anything but, the tactics they employ are to display to your face outdated pig ignorant set in their ways birdbrained lacking in basic knowledge yelling hypocrisy.  They cannot actually debate - these are the loud, braying of fools.  I don't really watch them as they are embarrassing to themselves and to the public at large.   

Asked what far right is or fascist few can tell you.  They scream racist and bigot but that's all they can do because that is the limit of their argument and generally the limit of their vocabulary.  It was amusing to catch someone asking these protesters where a certain country was that they were protesting about, they weren't sure exactly where it is.  Another asked about research which proved they were rattling on about something that was opposite of their stated protest.  They have no depth of knowledge in their subject and no arguments, no data, no peer reviewed science, no evidence and certainly no debating skills.  Denier, Bigot, Racist, and any other sub human response will do and if you yell it loud enough you've won the argument.  

We've let them get away with this uneducated, unwashed mass to get away with it because no one challenged it, no one stopped the lies and propaganda being bandied about and no one stopped the insults to our intelligence.  Cowardly we let them get away with it and those at the top need to hang their heads in shame for the damage done to this country and its people.

It looks as if the awakening is happening and let's hope we start standing up to this rot and if they want to shout and cry, give them something to cry for.  

Limbo Land

 When you want to have something sorted out and it's still three weeks away.  When the App is about to launch but you've still got to do the final UAT and resubmit it and it isn't ready for that test.

So many things are just in that limbo land and there's little you can do until they arrive.

To be fair there are things I can get on with but not enough to get me sat down and just thrashing my way through the list and achieving milestones and ticking them off.  I need some small but vital bits of information until I can actually do work without having to go back over it and edit or tweak it.

It's like being an athlete called to their blocks and awaiting the set and starting gun!  I don't want a false start, I want to hit the ground running so to speak.  Finding something to occupy my mind is necessary.

And Just Like That

 My attitude has changed.  You cannot change the past, you cannot predict the future nor should you worry about it either.  What will happen will happen and whilst the uncertainty is there because you cannot second guess what's about to present itself you can only do your best.

I know that I am prepared now and I just need to control what I can control and with the preparation I have already done and following the process we will get there and it will be what it will be.

My brain has to go through a process to get to where I am now, a playing of all the scenarios and that being said, the rest will just be what I cannot control.  I can control myself and that's fair enough but I cannot control the uncontrollable.   

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

Donald Rumsfeld

Yes - That LOL.