I can't stand this thing attached to me, it keeps going off and squeezes really tight and I might as well throw my BP Monitor in the bin reading the measurements this one is recording.
I really haven't felt well all day either - no doubt that is stress too and getting the letter and having to go through assessment again on Monday. At least it is an early operation on the 11th by the looks of things as I'll have to be there at 7:45.
I'll see what the night brings apparently this little baby only acts like a Boa Constrictor every hour instead of half hour at night. Thoughtfully it bleeps to let you know what it is about to do and then pumps up and does it stuff. I can imagine sleeping through it's asthmatic ritual will wake me up too.
I just checked my own BP monitor - it too is reading high. I wouldn't mind - I'm normally 20 or 30 points lower than this. Damn!
Friday, March 30, 2007
I Guessed that would have to happen
Got the letter to go in for pre-assessment on Monday. Do you think that they'll have the results back from the tests by then?
So am I a little stressed? You bet. I am going to go and just sit down for a short while and take things easy and then I can wander over to the Hospital a little later.
You couldn't invent timing like this - if it were in a film script it would be unbelievable.
So am I a little stressed? You bet. I am going to go and just sit down for a short while and take things easy and then I can wander over to the Hospital a little later.
You couldn't invent timing like this - if it were in a film script it would be unbelievable.
30 minutes later
Having given the cross trainer a thrashing I'm feeling a bit better now and not quite so tight. I'll take a cool down, have a shower and very slowly get on with my day. It is pretty clear, I have to pop to the Post Office either on the way there or on the way back - it depends what the queue is like. I can then wander up to the Hospital at a slower rate than I did last time so that I arrive there relaxed rather than half out of breath, heart pounding and BP up.
The rest of the day is taking it easy really I have a couple of minor chores on the PC to sort out but other than that easy is the name of the game.
The rest of the day is taking it easy really I have a couple of minor chores on the PC to sort out but other than that easy is the name of the game.
Spent a horrible night
Awake most of the time, dreaming or recollecting going into Hospital, wheeled down to theatre and reliving the yuk bits and there was no way I could get that out of my mind. I tried the old listen to music trick - nothing and I finally got to sleep in the early hours.
Perhaps it was posting the BCG stuff yesterday or finally realising how serious things are. I don't think I have been kidding myself but then again, perhaps that is how I am getting through it like I am.
I certainly don't need to be wound up and stressed out going to have my blood pressure monitored now do I?
Right - this off my mind for a moment I shall go and do my exercises.
Perhaps it was posting the BCG stuff yesterday or finally realising how serious things are. I don't think I have been kidding myself but then again, perhaps that is how I am getting through it like I am.
I certainly don't need to be wound up and stressed out going to have my blood pressure monitored now do I?
Right - this off my mind for a moment I shall go and do my exercises.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Getting Wired Up
Tomorrow - 11:30 - what kind of time of day is that? I suppose I could walk back from the Hospital past the pub but I'd better not :-)
I suppose it will prove one way or the other whether I've got blood in my alcohol stream or vice versa and indeed whether there is actually any blood at all - some have expressed the belief that it was anti freeze all along.
We will find out soon no doubt. Talking of which I haven't had the letter to go back in yet - might get it tomorrow.
It is annoying that by now I would almost have had my results if it hadn't been cancelled the first time.
I suppose it will prove one way or the other whether I've got blood in my alcohol stream or vice versa and indeed whether there is actually any blood at all - some have expressed the belief that it was anti freeze all along.
We will find out soon no doubt. Talking of which I haven't had the letter to go back in yet - might get it tomorrow.
It is annoying that by now I would almost have had my results if it hadn't been cancelled the first time.
The report was well worth reading too
This was the report and it's "sort of" OK - these are the sorts of things that are pretty good reading if you read it one way and not so good if you read it another way. May I suggest you read as I would in an optimistic fashion - thank you:
"Bacille Calmette-Guérin (BCG) is an effective conservative treatment for managing patients with Stage T1 high-grade bladder cancer, say investigators. In their study of 78 patients with the condition, who were initially treated by transuretheral resection (TUR), adjuvant BCG was effective in around two thirds of individuals.
"TUR alone is associated with a high rate of recurrence and progression to muscle invasion and is clearly not curative in 40% to 60% of patients," note David Margel (Rabin Medical Center, Petah Tiqwa, Israel) and colleagues."Early cystectomy, although offering the best chance of cure, would probably constitute overtreatment in many cases. Consequently, most urologists favor initial TUR of all visible tumor and adjuvant intravesical treatment.
"The researchers investigated the long-term outcome of patients with Stage T1 high-grade transitional cell carcinoma of the bladder who received TUR followed-by intravesicle BCG. Patients received initial 6 weekly instillations of BCG, with half of the patients receiving at least a further seven monthly instillations. Among the 78 patients treated, 34 (44%) were still alive after a median follow-up of 107 months (range 16 to 238 months).
Among the 44 patients who died, 32 died from causes other than bladder cancer. A total of 27 (35%) patients experienced a recurrence of their condition. Most recurrences occurred in the first year after treatment, at 55%. Progression was seen in 14 (18%) patients, 12 of whom died from their disease. The team reports in the journal Urology that the overall 2-, 5-, and 10-year recurrence-free survival rates following treatment were 76%, 72%, and 62%, respectively.
The corresponding rates for progression-free survival were 92%, 82%, and 80%.The disease-free survival rates were 99% at 2 years, 90% at 5 years, and 85% at 10 years."BCG is an effective conservative treatment of patients with Stage T1 high-grade bladder cancer," the researchers conclude.
They add: "More than one half the recurrences appeared within the first year, but a small risk remains throughout the patient's life."Progression during follow-up appears to carry a high risk of cancer-specific death."
Free abstract: http://dmail.organon.com/cgi-bin2/DM/y/nhga0MyNmI0MUM0Bbu10Eg
MedWire: Urology
"Bacille Calmette-Guérin (BCG) is an effective conservative treatment for managing patients with Stage T1 high-grade bladder cancer, say investigators. In their study of 78 patients with the condition, who were initially treated by transuretheral resection (TUR), adjuvant BCG was effective in around two thirds of individuals.
"TUR alone is associated with a high rate of recurrence and progression to muscle invasion and is clearly not curative in 40% to 60% of patients," note David Margel (Rabin Medical Center, Petah Tiqwa, Israel) and colleagues."Early cystectomy, although offering the best chance of cure, would probably constitute overtreatment in many cases. Consequently, most urologists favor initial TUR of all visible tumor and adjuvant intravesical treatment.
"The researchers investigated the long-term outcome of patients with Stage T1 high-grade transitional cell carcinoma of the bladder who received TUR followed-by intravesicle BCG. Patients received initial 6 weekly instillations of BCG, with half of the patients receiving at least a further seven monthly instillations. Among the 78 patients treated, 34 (44%) were still alive after a median follow-up of 107 months (range 16 to 238 months).
Among the 44 patients who died, 32 died from causes other than bladder cancer. A total of 27 (35%) patients experienced a recurrence of their condition. Most recurrences occurred in the first year after treatment, at 55%. Progression was seen in 14 (18%) patients, 12 of whom died from their disease. The team reports in the journal Urology that the overall 2-, 5-, and 10-year recurrence-free survival rates following treatment were 76%, 72%, and 62%, respectively.
The corresponding rates for progression-free survival were 92%, 82%, and 80%.The disease-free survival rates were 99% at 2 years, 90% at 5 years, and 85% at 10 years."BCG is an effective conservative treatment of patients with Stage T1 high-grade bladder cancer," the researchers conclude.
They add: "More than one half the recurrences appeared within the first year, but a small risk remains throughout the patient's life."Progression during follow-up appears to carry a high risk of cancer-specific death."
Free abstract: http://dmail.organon.com/cgi-bin2/DM/y/nhga0MyNmI0MUM0Bbu10Eg
MedWire: Urology
When you go for BCG
This is what I try not to look at. This picture just arrived with some more information on BCG. Actually there is a bit more here than I have and the syringe on this one looks wrong as the one I have is much bigger than that and all the valves and bits aren't on mine. But anyway, as a guide, now can you see why my blood pressure would go through the roof and equally why I don't look and take a stress ball in with me? Thought you would :-)
Exercises Back on
I got back to exercising this morning and the rashes on my legs have faded right down so not sure what all that was about but at least I can get back to keeping fit and dropping the weight off.
I'm still doing the 30 minutes with 3 x 10 minute programmes but I have upped the programme to do 1 easy one followed by two harder ones with far more resistance on them. Once I get to the point when they become easy I will switch to a couple of the really hard programs - the one that looks like the ascent of Everest was particularly difficult I remember. So I will try and get to 30 minutes on the harder programmes and then after that perhaps increase the time.
I'm still doing the 30 minutes with 3 x 10 minute programmes but I have upped the programme to do 1 easy one followed by two harder ones with far more resistance on them. Once I get to the point when they become easy I will switch to a couple of the really hard programs - the one that looks like the ascent of Everest was particularly difficult I remember. So I will try and get to 30 minutes on the harder programmes and then after that perhaps increase the time.
Despite now having the new date
and feeling a little uneasy about it - because after all you do start to build yourself up to these sorts of things - I don't feel too bad, I'm still feeling as good as I did earlier this week and pretty much full of vim and vigour (there's a phrase you don't hear that much these days).
I am also hoping that whilst I might be heavier than I was last year I am actually a lot fitter and so I hope that it will help me to recover quickly. I think that I will have the same ground rules as last time which include not driving for a week. I'll probably not be allowed to exercise either in that case. It seems perverse that to check that I am OK will mean that I'll be bleeding again and need to take it easy.
I am also hoping that whilst I might be heavier than I was last year I am actually a lot fitter and so I hope that it will help me to recover quickly. I think that I will have the same ground rules as last time which include not driving for a week. I'll probably not be allowed to exercise either in that case. It seems perverse that to check that I am OK will mean that I'll be bleeding again and need to take it easy.
Safety Valve
I think I blew that last night a bit. I was a bit more extrovert than normal and a little louder too.
The pressures of the past few weeks and the delays, more tests, life style changes and then getting the news to go in in less than two weeks meaning the delay probably wasn't necessary all add to the stress of living with something like Cancer.
It really is difficult not to react like this occasionally - sometimes you just want to scream but of course you don't. The trouble with bottling it up is that you lash out somewhere else and most often inappropriately. Alternatively you get slightly loose like last night.
The pressures of the past few weeks and the delays, more tests, life style changes and then getting the news to go in in less than two weeks meaning the delay probably wasn't necessary all add to the stress of living with something like Cancer.
It really is difficult not to react like this occasionally - sometimes you just want to scream but of course you don't. The trouble with bottling it up is that you lash out somewhere else and most often inappropriately. Alternatively you get slightly loose like last night.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Potassium Sorbate
For goodness sake what is that? I bought myself some dried figs and they have Potassium Sorbate in them. Now I know Potassium is good for me but hold on a minute, isn't sorbate something to do with salt?
I am going to spend a few hours tomorrow working out what this is before I dare eat it. I actually think it is OK for me but I need to make cure that I don't eat something that externally appears good for me (Dried Green Figs) only to find out that I am whacking up my salt intake in so doing!
It is so difficult working out what is and is not good to eat.
I am going to spend a few hours tomorrow working out what this is before I dare eat it. I actually think it is OK for me but I need to make cure that I don't eat something that externally appears good for me (Dried Green Figs) only to find out that I am whacking up my salt intake in so doing!
It is so difficult working out what is and is not good to eat.
Interesting Evening
I ran a networking evening and it was well attended but I felt that I didn't circulate as well as I could have and sort of left four groups of people networking together when perhaps, as organiser, I should have made them mingle? I'm not sure about that and perhaps I ought to let serendipity take a hand rather than try and make things happen?
The strangest thing was that those who should have turned up and were down as certainties didn't and those who said they might do actually did turn up!
How strange.
Anyway - I did enjoy the evening even if I was getting a little bit more outrageous than normal towards the end! I think as it is my last evening of drinking for a while - perhaps I got too advanced even for myself!
The strangest thing was that those who should have turned up and were down as certainties didn't and those who said they might do actually did turn up!
How strange.
Anyway - I did enjoy the evening even if I was getting a little bit more outrageous than normal towards the end! I think as it is my last evening of drinking for a while - perhaps I got too advanced even for myself!
I know it's..
Anger and "I told you so" that is going through my mind right now.
All this bloody hassle and I told them that this was what it was. We didn't need to go through all of this again as it was in my notes. It just makes you furious doesn't it?
Oh well, calm down - I am not doing my blood pressure any good my getting angry about it.
All this bloody hassle and I told them that this was what it was. We didn't need to go through all of this again as it was in my notes. It just makes you furious doesn't it?
Oh well, calm down - I am not doing my blood pressure any good my getting angry about it.
How Silly
To get wound up over this. I'm thinking I need "any excuse" these days to be gloomy - or put upon. It is easy to get into that frame of mind "It always happens to me" and I'm going to have to live with this (I hope) for a very long time so I'd just better get used to it I suppose. I'll be doing the paranoia and conspiracy theory bit next!
On the up side - the job market seems to be good, I'm getting some good quality local work posted to my inbox and I've actually decided today to go for a few of them and get back into interview practice and into working for a living mode. I'm banking on everything being clear - how else can I picture it? If that is the case and I go in on the 11th then I will come out on the 12th and have a few days off - then I would have 2 to 3 weeks before going in and hearing the news and then perhaps a week after that a three week course of BCG. Which would take me to about the end of May (Monaco Grand Prix weekend) and that would mean a November 6 month cysto and another 3 BCGs. Believe it or not this is positive thinking. What that would mean is that every May and November from then onwards I'd have a cysto and a course of BCG up to a certain number of years then I think the period between changes to 9 months, 12 months etc.
On the up side - the job market seems to be good, I'm getting some good quality local work posted to my inbox and I've actually decided today to go for a few of them and get back into interview practice and into working for a living mode. I'm banking on everything being clear - how else can I picture it? If that is the case and I go in on the 11th then I will come out on the 12th and have a few days off - then I would have 2 to 3 weeks before going in and hearing the news and then perhaps a week after that a three week course of BCG. Which would take me to about the end of May (Monaco Grand Prix weekend) and that would mean a November 6 month cysto and another 3 BCGs. Believe it or not this is positive thinking. What that would mean is that every May and November from then onwards I'd have a cysto and a course of BCG up to a certain number of years then I think the period between changes to 9 months, 12 months etc.
All on Edge Again Now
Blast it, I am all wound up again following this news. It's all back to slowly psyching myself up for the operation - I suppose they will want another assessment (Oh gee wont that be fun).
That has really put a wobble into my day and made me feel all sort of mildly stressy! Typical.
That has really put a wobble into my day and made me feel all sort of mildly stressy! Typical.
Breaking News
My Consultant is back off Holiday. Ahem...... 11th April looks to be the date they want me in. Anesthetist will come and talk to me or review my notes.
Lucky that my Blood Pressure readings will be available to them after this weekend then isn't it?
Apparently a letter is in the post giving me further details. It is lucky that I didn't book to go away for Easter I suppose.
I suppose the really good thing is that my Blood Pressure readings are still coming down - this morning they have all been way under where they have been. I have to say that I am still a little shocked at the phone call I've just had and you have to believe this - my Blood Pressure has just gone back up again :-) The merest thought of Hospital did that!
This is a lot earlier than I thought I'd get seen and it doesn't clash with anything unless they have to operate in which case it might affect something I was planning on doing later in early May.
Lucky that my Blood Pressure readings will be available to them after this weekend then isn't it?
Apparently a letter is in the post giving me further details. It is lucky that I didn't book to go away for Easter I suppose.
I suppose the really good thing is that my Blood Pressure readings are still coming down - this morning they have all been way under where they have been. I have to say that I am still a little shocked at the phone call I've just had and you have to believe this - my Blood Pressure has just gone back up again :-) The merest thought of Hospital did that!
This is a lot earlier than I thought I'd get seen and it doesn't clash with anything unless they have to operate in which case it might affect something I was planning on doing later in early May.
Walked there and back
It is a fair distance to the supermarket and back. A bit of a shock, I bought myself loads of fruit, some veg, some low fat cheese and a pint of milk and no change out of a £20 note! That is a lot of money for stuff that is good for you. I could have got 20 MacDonald's for that.... Well, er, maybe not. I remember doing some work at MacDonald's, Wendy and Wimpy and my clothes stunk of burger grease. Yuk!
What on earth is that?
I have rashes around my ankles and on the back of my calf muscles. I decided not to exercise this morning but have washed the areas and put some cream on - please don't tell me I have become allergic to beer? How bad would that be :-)
It is probably something quite simple. So to get some form of exercise in I am going to walk to the supermarket and by myself some fruit. I never thought I'd hear myself say that!
It is probably something quite simple. So to get some form of exercise in I am going to walk to the supermarket and by myself some fruit. I never thought I'd hear myself say that!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
It's Amazing
How nostalgic nostalgia can be?
Tonight I was out with a bunch of old school mates and we were in a pub that - collectively - we hadn't been in for 26 years. In fact it was a Stag night all those years ago and all the old stories came tumbling out. Isn't it amazing how one story trips another and things locked away suddenly come to the fore and you just laugh like drains at the absolute foolishness of youth? OK maybe not then :-) We had a great time and suddenly things that were forgotten were surfaced and they were so much funnier now than they were then. If I tell you that we were talking here about spectacles and condoms, my white silk tie stuffed in an old brown ale bottle, stolen plant pots and short cuts, cross country in motor cars that weren't designed for that you may perhaps get the picture. The bad part is that until some of these subjects were actually mentioned, many of us had hidden these memories for 25+ years!!! Whoops..
We had a lovely evening and our once a month "lads night out" is so much pleasure that it would be a shame not to continue it.
There is something very therapeutic about being out with guys you have known since pre-puberty and I always marvel that we have stayed friends (through thick and thin) from school right up to today. I am really blessed with such a nice bunch of friends. As I approach the 50 year landmark I doubt many people can count on two hands the people they went to school with as best buddies?
Tonight I was out with a bunch of old school mates and we were in a pub that - collectively - we hadn't been in for 26 years. In fact it was a Stag night all those years ago and all the old stories came tumbling out. Isn't it amazing how one story trips another and things locked away suddenly come to the fore and you just laugh like drains at the absolute foolishness of youth? OK maybe not then :-) We had a great time and suddenly things that were forgotten were surfaced and they were so much funnier now than they were then. If I tell you that we were talking here about spectacles and condoms, my white silk tie stuffed in an old brown ale bottle, stolen plant pots and short cuts, cross country in motor cars that weren't designed for that you may perhaps get the picture. The bad part is that until some of these subjects were actually mentioned, many of us had hidden these memories for 25+ years!!! Whoops..
We had a lovely evening and our once a month "lads night out" is so much pleasure that it would be a shame not to continue it.
There is something very therapeutic about being out with guys you have known since pre-puberty and I always marvel that we have stayed friends (through thick and thin) from school right up to today. I am really blessed with such a nice bunch of friends. As I approach the 50 year landmark I doubt many people can count on two hands the people they went to school with as best buddies?
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