Distraction

I don't think there is a day goes by where I don't think about what I had and where I still go to the toilet and hold my breath in case there are the tell tale signs reappearing. I am constantly considering how I feel and I am constantly reminded that I have had treatment as I cannot find the right words to say. That is a big problem as I do a lot of face to face meetings and searching for the right word is terrible. I know that it will go away in about a month or so but it is really disconcerting.

There can be little more worrying than it coming back or indeed taking on some more sinister complications but it is good to know that I am being regularly monitored and that this next operation will (hopefully) be my last.

Day to day the fatigue and the memory and concentration problems are the constant companions of the disease or rather its aftermath. I'd rather have them and be Cancer free of course. You tend to forget that.

Trying to distract myself or work myself to a standstill kind of works but I'm not certain that working harder rather than smarter is a good long term solution. I turned another phase this week and beat the anger of dealing with a couple of jobsworths and perhaps I can move on a bit now and get past the fatigue and the memory bit.

The trouble is it is such a slow process getting back to normal. Also the play acting that you are alright is OK but when you get back after having been out at work all day and then out in the evening for a meeting and a meal soon catches up with you. Just annoying that the day they say you are clear isn't actually the day you are completely cured and back to the way you used to be :-)

The Buzz

I still have it from Thursday and how interesting that my daughter A is also studying Art History at the moment. I get a run at Cezanne in a few weeks and I am really looking forward to learning a bit more about that subject.

Health wise - I'm hoping that the buzz is beating the blues and the fatigue. I think that it probably is. I just need to chill out a bit more.

I did say that I'd pay for it

There was a retirement do at the office and quite a nice party - one of the funniest speeches I have ever heard too. I said to a few last night - I'll pay for this in the morning as I have again had quite a busy week and sure enough I dragged myself out of bed at about 11 this morning.

Another busy week coming up too. I am out Monday , Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I think I shall keep the other evenings free so I can study and just get a break.

I can get a real run at the course work this weekend, I hope, and then starting next week I will be able to keep on top of it. There is a LOT to get through and each week we look at a different person and their "reputation" it is fascinating and already I am drawing parallels about this with my work as we have a reputation that we didn't build and it needs to be re-imaged to what the reality is. This is one of the interesting things about the work we are doing as there is a direct relationship between what I am learning and what is going on - there sure are some interesting coincidences in the world!

And so it transpired that on the Thursday

He did OK. He didn't rip any-one's head off, he didn't call the obstropolous jumped up so and so what he thought about them - in fact he went on a charm offensive. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.

Then after a full days work went to the tutorial which was inspirational and I feel lifted, really up for my course now. Some nice people on the course too. Yep, roll on my Humanities Foundation course.

I am surprised how little it has taken to get me diametrically of different attitude to 24 hours ago.

Such is the swing and ebb and flow of the exit from this disease. Even better note in one direction is my friend of heart attack fame had his surgery today and is due home tomorrow so that is great news.

Worse news on another front a friend who has had a recurrence is under some serious chemo at the moment - I wait to hear how he has got on.

Tomorrow should be interesting

I think I will go in but I am feeling a little raw edged still. Frayed nerves or not - I am going to go in and then I have my first tutorial tomorrow evening so I am going to catch a bus to the College and see how I get on. It is also quite near to where some of my friends are meeting and so I might pop in to see them afterwards.

Like all these things - I suppose I ought to see how I am in the morning - well in 5 hours time I suppose.

Anger

That is what it is, I have this utter burning anger and it isn't for much of a reason it is just how screwy your head gets when you are tired and the fatigue kicks in. You can't really explain it other than just being mentally and physically tired and it doesn't matter if you sleep or relax it really doesn't get any better. It is unpredictable and gives you a paranoia about how everyone is getting at you.

It is strange but this week it feels like everyone is on my case. They probably aren't but work, home and even my inanimate objects are having a go at me :-)

Anyway, I will see how I feel tomorrow. I'm sort of in two minds quite what to do. I think I'd like to take the rest of the week off to repair my head - I will think about that tonight - I don't fancy going to work and having a go at anyone or biting some poor sods head off!

Decided on a short break from it

I have worked my backside off for a couple of weeks and had to react to last minute changes and despite all of these I have achieved the goals but at what cost. This seat of their pants stuff is downright dangerous. I mean how can a document be approved and after 19 versions (yes 19) go to the printers only to be recalled twice more for changes that is just someone changing it for changing its sake.

I know that the office is a bit of a throwback to the mid 20th century but sometimes it gets on your wick.

So I need to just walk away form it a bit. I haven't planned that out yet but I have some leave due and after all it is only a job. I really like it but the minutiae and the unbelievable pickiness sometimes beggars belief. Honestly guys - life is toooooo short for that sort of thing especially if you are running about 10 things at once. It ain't easy.

Dazed & Confused

A pretty damn good track from Led Zep but how I actually feel. Good friend has just had a confirmed Heart Attack - he has been transferred to the top UK Heart Hospital. I need to sort stuff out and suddenly, I am having "work trouble". What I mean is that I now need some serious recognition and respect and I am not getting it. I feel "used" at the moment and I don't like it - which signifies that I MUST be getting better if I am beginning not to be "nice" to everyone.

I think that a short rest period or period of reflection may be called for....

Not certain but I need to walk away or distance myself from it. Today I felt I was being treated like a "member of staff" and I ain't that and I'm far more than the sum of my title so perhaps I need to take myself less seriously for a short while. I need to sleep on that overnight. I may need a short period of reflection I think before I get back into what I used to be.

I hope the above isn't obtuse - what I mean is that I felt I was being undervalued and not taken seriously or just treated like a jobsworth and actually that is so far from what I am that it hurt me to think that someone may have thought that.

Negotiations

I'm thinking of working out a schedule as I am getting this constant tiredness at the end of the week - I mean it isn't surprising as I am sitting here at 11 at night and still working and will get up at 5:30 in the morning!!

However, I need to separate myself from the job a bit I am quite involved but I also need some time to fix this sporadic way of working that is going on and the limits of my physical ability to achieve as much as I do. On top of that, study has just started and I'd like to be flexible about time to do that as well. So it seems the best idea is to work around how this can best be achieved.

I am getting so many job opportunities through at the moment which is very surprising. There is a lot of work for an old experienced, wrinkled and battle scarred program manager. Want to go back Dave? Sometimes the money looks great but not certain about the ethics of it all.

Two of us getting a bit morbid

I got a call yesterday - a friend in Hospital, Heart Attack maybe? Met a friend tonight his wife just had her 2nd Cancer in a decade, skin, cured, one swoop and done. His friend, inoperable Brain Tumour. Another friend, lost his father earlier in the year, wife had a terrible stroke (no one thought she'd live) but she did and was getting back together, now second operation for breast cancer in two months. My cousin, breast cancer, chemo, possible surgery. It just seems to be one thing after the other and it just doesn't seem to be slowing down, more and more people you know.

I remember being told that the older you get the more this sort of thing happens.

I have to say that despite moaning a bit about how I am I really ought to be thankful that I'm getting better and slowly getting there.

Goodness - did we depress ourselves tonight.

I wonder if

The reasons I get upset easily is to do with the reminder of what happened to me or what "could have" happened. Today - the Great North Run - all these people running for their friends or family who have terrible diseases or have died etc. It really upsets me I get quite choked up - I never used to.

I wonder whether it is the fact that it reminds me of how things could have been? Do they remind me of how it is or am I just very empathetic with these people? Whatever it is, anything like that makes me choked.

Saturday and getting organised at last

I'm getting ready for my studies which start tomorrow - the office begins to look as if I could actually work in it. The troubles of Friday are behind me. So trying to just ignore and blitz my way through work isn't going to have any impact. Perhaps I need to consider a day off a week or something to get myself back to full time work and not to be knackered half way through.

I'm as upbeat as I have been and I'm still confident about December and the results. My next set of tasks are to lose weight again. It fluctuates massively and to get work sorted out. Once I can lose a bit of weight I should be able to fit back into my work clothes again which will be good.

Off to start studying now :-)

I shouldn't be annoyed but

Some people are so backward looking, hate change, can't see things hurtling towards them that they could easily avoid and wear their ignorance as a badge of pride.

I met one on Wednesday night - the most obnoxious type of ignoramus possible who was rude to just about everyone. Then there is the work "jobsworths" who just drive me mental. It was bad enough in the 70s and 80s getting people to realise that they had to change but we are in the 21st Century and these guys are hardly out of the 19th.

I suppose that I ought not to be too upset or annoyed - they haven't worked in the commercial world and the third sector is very different but sticking their heads in the sand is surely going to be the wrong strategy.

I must learn to stop, don't get angry and walk about a bit. I'm actually pretty pleased that I don't have to attend any more meetings with one individual as I'm not sure I could stop being sarcastic - a very unfortunate trait of mine.

Whackety whack

Thought so - the alarm went - I gave it a look - thumped the off switch turned over and went back to sleep for a further 3 hours. A UTI - now I don't think so, it is just an urgency to keep dashing off to the toilet. It isn't as bad as three or two weeks ago or even last week but it makes you self conscious (am I leaking) and it makes you worried about being caught out somewhere.

At least I can work at home and at least I can get to the loo in a few paces.

I often wonder how long recovery may take. I really shouldn't be hasty should I - I mean in just over 2 years I am cancer free and stabilised so I should realise things don't happen overnight.

Here it comes

Wow - how tired am I tonight and the urgency to go to the toilet struck at the Station meaning I had to get off my train to dash to the toilet thereby missing my train and waiting 30 minutes for the next one by which time I was almost bursting again! Not nice, not happy. Off to bed and see how I feel in the morning....

Dragged out of bed

Here we go again - mind you I am not surprised. I knew I was going to be struggling this week and when the alarm went this morning it was a bit difficult to get out of bed. If I can clear my workload today - and there is plenty of it. I might be able to work from home tomorrow. I also realised that tonight is the only night that I am actually in as I am off out tomorrow as well!

If I don't take the day off I'll end up taking it off for the wrong reasons I fear.

I don't like me much these days

I'm really not happy with the outcome. I am belligerent, confrontational, sarcastic, aggressive, overly assertive and not really someone I like anymore?

I've sort of fallen out with who I've become in a way. I'm left post this experience with this "outlook" on life and "attitude" that, frankly, you would never understand unless you had been in my position. A whole new perspective opens up to you when you have been through this BUT only you and your fellow sufferers will ever understand the downright frankness of your opinions, the ability to say how you see things without really thinking too much about how other people "feel" almost a lack of political correctness if you will.

I find it quite disturbing as I nearly had a word with someone this evening who was wearing his ignorance as a badge of merit. Everyone knew he was an arsehole but no one was going to tell him - I stopped myself in time - a good thing actually as someone I know actually knew him!

How on earth do I get back to being "normal" again? Do I want to be normal? Have I some sort of insight? Maybe if I have I should keep it to myself?

Unlike me

Slipped up on some details on the paperwork over the weekend. A keen eyed chap has put me right but how annoying. The trouble is there was so much going on this last week I am surprised I got it all done.

Anyway, I am off out tonight to the Jazz evening. Another 1 1/2 mile walk along the same bit of road I have already walked up and down twice today! With a bit of luck I will get a lift back.

October

My how time flies by - tomorrow is October and things get interesting as I should be starting my course on Saturday! This blog is coming up for its second anniversary and I have a list of things to do as long as your arm! If your arm is 12 foot long that is!

Now IS the time to get back to being organised and yet yesterday was a nightmare tonight wasn't a lot better - I finally got around to completing a 200 envelope mailing that I started on Saturday.

I'm working like crazy at the moment to catch up with the workload I have both at home and at work and whilst I am keeping on top of it - it is all just in time and there isn't a plan.

Maybe by the weekend I will have finally got organised.

At least

I didn't end up down at the pub but was late home and have a pile of work to get through.

I seem to be able to last enough time to get home now - last week was very different. The feeling of having a full bladder (even when it isn't) and finding yourself caught short is pretty awful I have to say. But there you go, it seems to have passed now and at least I don't have the worry and nervousness of that journey.

It was nice to finally meet George Emsden this afternoon. George has Throat Cancer last year and he documented it in his blog (currently being moved). If you thought my treatment was bad, I can assure you that I would have totally freaked out with what George had to go through as he had to wear a mask whilst under treatment for throat cancer.

Well we both looked well and in top form today!

Chaotic day and I hope tomorrow is a little quieter.