Exercise - or rather the lack of it

Well - I'm going to have to change all of that later this week and into next week. I took a count of calories earlier this week and was amazed how much I eat and so in the past couple of days I've dropped the amount I eat significantly. Coupled with that I realised that my odd attempts to get back on the exercise habit have been abysmal and of course then I hurt my leg and my back and so I've only half heartedly messed around with the cross trainer.

Today I was reviewing some notes I'd made some time ago about getting a vibrating plate massage / trainer and spent some time reviewing models etc. I'd love to have the price of a small car and invest in a power plate (who wouldn't) but that would seem a bit churlish of me and so I've discussed a plan with Mrs. F. and I think - subject to discussion tomorrow - I will invest in a Vibration Plate. These machines set off vibrations - allegedly this technology was originally designed to treat bone and lean muscle mass loss in cosmonauts who had spent considerable time in a weightless environment in space, in addition to enhancing power and strength and accelerating recovery in Russian Olympic athletes.

I don't believe that you can just step on one of these and the weight drops off of you but the idea that you attempt to adjust lots of times (according to the frequency of the plate) your body and muscles it is meant to assist in toning up and I'm thinking that if I use this to warm up and cool down on then I can get onto the cross trainer in a better condition than I do now. For what it's worth - it may be a useful thing and I can do a number of short sessions a day on it as well apparently. That would be good to haul me off of the keyboard and to give myself maybe a 5 or 10 minute mini session three or four times a day. Worth a go and anything to get me back into the grove again. I find that I am working long hours and working into the evening and weekends again and I just need to reclaim some of that time back and do some exercise. It sucks, it's horrible, I don't like it but I must get my shape back and get myself fitter again.

Better

Everyone seems to be a bit better this morning - apparently no one gave Dad any advice about having the anaesthetic. So I've sent on some of my stuff about that. How can they do that?! Grrrr.

Anyway - he's better this morning - under instructions from us all to take it easy for the next few days or else :-) I think he's got the message - I've sort of dug into my experiences and told them what happened to me and so I think that might help.

Anyway - first round over and more to come. All seems to be OK for the moment and just need to wait and hear back about the next trip in a few weeks time I suppose.

Mmmmm

So Dad's home - no biopsy but a plastic stent (lasts about 3 months) not a stainless steel one. He managed to frighten the bejeebers out of everyone trying to get up to go to the toilet and staggering like a drunk around the ward as he was loaded up with General Anaesthetic! I suppose if you don't know, or no one told you, well you don't know. Then he wouldn't get into a wheelchair and frankly I'd have kept him in overnight but well they like to boot you out these days so he's at home and not listening to anyone about the General Anaesthetic but I'm guessing he'll go to bed and will sleep through and hopefully feel a bit better and not try and be a bloody superhero in the morning.

I've been there and done that, got the tee shirt and felt an arse doing it! So plastic stent - I guess because there are more MRI scans to go next week or the week after when he has to have an inside out type of scan. I imagine high magnetic field and metal don't exactly work together in harmony if my electrical engineering training is to be relied on.... Quite how my dad and my brother who are both also trained electricians didn't get that connection I don't know. Mind you I could be barking mad and have got that wrong - what do I know?

My mum sounded wiped out when I spoke to her so I'll ring tomorrow morning and see how she is coping. my brother and sister-in-law were both around today and are 5 minutes away. I thanked T for being there for them. There you go, I feel guilty and yet I didn't move away from them and - as I complained a week or two back - no one ever came down to see me when I was ill (not that there's a wrong or right about it - it's just a fact that's all and I'm not overly precious about it). I'm in two minds whether I'm needed or not at the moment. I could go up there and spend a few days but I'm wondering whether I'll be needed at the time of diagnosis to help to put things in perspective.

Dad's annoyed that he has to have more done to him but I suppose that's only natural - I was annoyed I had to go in last time but I realised the benefits of checking out the mark on my bladder whether or not it was made by them, was a scar or it may just have been a recurrence. I suppose he hasn't come to terms with all of this yet and I doubt I would have done either it's only been a few weeks and so rationalising your situation is pretty difficult and coming to terms with being that ill for the first time in your life isn't going to be easy either.

Dad's happy enough laughing and joking but I'm sure that it's defence mechanism clipping in. Underneath I can only imagine how this is churning away for him. Not a lot I can do apart from holding myself up as some sort of example and yet it took me a long time to deal with it all.

Let's see how everyone is in the morning...

Down to Theatre

Well Dad went down to theatre around 12:15 and so I should hear something soon. So this is what it feels like to have a close relative in hospital? I can't say I've ever experienced it as the receiver - I've always been the giver of such grief to my folks!

I have to say I've been feeling quite strange all day - my body is tense so it is a manifestation of stress mainly in my chest and shoulders and upper arms.

Spoke to my kid brother - bless him - he's doing all the running about on this and of course had his own problems with his mother-in-law dying yesterday.

Oh well - let's see what happens later. Fingers and everything else crossed :-)

Distracted and not a little anxious this morning

I had a terrible night's sleep - no major dreams or worries as far as I recall. With dad going in for his procedure today I do feel quite distracted and a little anxious - not that I can do anything for him of course.

Let's hope they are kind and helpful for him and get it over and done with as soon and as painlessly as possible so he can go home and relax. Of course he will have to wait for the results of the biopsy which will probably be just as traumatic.

Stated Far More Eloquently Than I Ever Could

This article in the Guardian

Having cancer is an education, and this is what I have learned - "Illness introduced me to a beautiful network of dependence – and a struggle for autonomy I can't win on my own" by Mike Marqusee

I'd like to be able to write like this but I'm not a journalist :-)

Thinking about dad tonight

I know pretty much what he is going through and he reckoned the last 4 days have been like 4 weeks - yes I recognise that too. Not a lot I can do to help really other than the supportive comments and the empathy.

It's pretty worrying I have to say all the waiting and thinking and Dad's got a razor of a mind, can knock out the Times or Telegraph Crossword in less than 10 minutes, can answer most of the questions on University Challenge etc., etc. So he has a pretty good idea what tomorrow is going to be like and I imagine is forming an opinion of what he has. Me too in a way although there are plenty of good signs here as he isn't hurting, off his food or losing weight. It's all too early to judge and it's all too early to say. I just hope that they get it over and done with for him tomorrow. He will be having an Endoscope which needs to get around to here to take a biopsy and to see if they can correct the blockage causing his Jaundice.

I feel for him and for the trauma and the anxiety he will be going through - I'm bad but under control after having seen more tubes and stuff stuck in me in the past 5 years than I care to remember - I am sure it will be very traumatic for him and for mum.

Just when you thought you'd had your fill of bad news

I got a call from my Mum saying that my brother's mother in law had died today. She had been suffering from metastasised cancer and last year called a halt to treatment - she had had enough of it - and I can fully understand how that would be. We all knew that this was likely and a week ago she stopped eating, went into hospital yesterday and died this morning. Poor old T, my brother, he's dealing with Mum and Dad and now this. The amazing thing is that the funeral could be tomorrow, they live in France - apparently that's normal! The father-in-law himself (I believe) a cancer survivor, will bring the ashes back to the UK. T and his wife can't drop everything and be over there and Dad is in hospital tomorrow morning and T is taking him.

I'm left here not being able to help out on this. Spoke to mum and this news isn't exactly helping matters of course. Dad also has to have a scan that looks outwards rather than one that is scanned inwards. This is pretty new I believe and let's hope that all these things will sort him out one way or the other. If nothing else tomorrow let's hope they open things up and get rid of the jaundice.

I kind of feel a little helpless being all these miles away but I remind myself that I've lived in this area almost all of my life and it was my parents and and brother who moved away from here. I suppose I ought to get my guilt trip over and done with quickly. If my parents had been living here and my brother elsewhere I would have been doing the driving and all that.

So 5 years + 1 day - how's that feel?

You know what - it feels just great and whilst I seem to always be bleating on about it - life's pretty good for me at the moment. It isn't great for other people but I suppose when I wasn't doing so well they were doing OK.

I feel for my parents at the moment, what they are going through and I hope that we will know for certain later on this week or next what is going on and what the future will hold. I'm not sure that me worrying about it or anything else is going to change for what will be will be in these things and I just hope that it doesn't involve too much discomfort for my dad.

Somehow I've resolved with myself just to pull back from it at the moment as I can't do anything and I can't change anything and I also need to not get myself all wound up either.

I decided today to monitor my intake of food as I know that FOCC is pretty fattening stuff - I thought that I was on quite a good diet but in reality with all the odds and ends I eat during the day I tipped 2000 calories for the day. Tomorrow I intend to reduce that by a good couple of hundred if possible although I may be out to lunch :-( which will skew that number.

Anyway - at least I can see where the numbers are and what I need to achieve in the next few weeks in terms of lowering my input and raising my output (exercise) to start to loose some more weight. It looks as if all the work I did do has recently just ground to a halt so a bit more attention to detail is required.

Itty Bitty Internet

It's been a bad start to the day - the internet has been appalling - it wasn't great last night either. They've acknowledged that and are trying to fix it and I've been trying to work in between times.

Funny old day so far - I don't feel very hungry today and so didn't have any breakfast today but will have FOCC at lunchtime. I'm not sure what it is but I just don't fancy eating anything this morning at all.

I had a strange nights sleep and got up a little later than I normally do and it's just all a bit strange this morning as if something has happened but I don't know what it is - if that makes sense?

I'm just going to work my way through and see how it goes.

If looks could kill

I suggested that I enjoyed the time we spend together to Mrs. F. today - funny really as I did say it in a slightly sarcastic way. We were both out Friday she was out today and I hardly saw her at all on Saturday. This morning all hell broke loose with some garment needing repair before work as it was Ls last day it had to be sorted and so I guess I've seen Mrs. F. about 10 times this weekend and spoken to her about 3 times. I thought it was funny - Mrs. F. looked pretty much underwhelmed and if looks could kill :-)

So it's now late and I am going to turn in. I've come up with some great stuff for the business plan and had a weekend of sport to enjoy. Not great news about my dad but we will have to deal with that after Wednesday I suppose?

I've been wondering quite what to do about all this and suddenly, I'm backing away from wanting to actually "do" anything. What could I actually do? How "helpful" could I possibly be? I know a number of people who have cancer and they're not like me, they don't think or act like me and they get on with things differently - who am I to tell them what to do? I need to play it very much by ear and see what the diagnosis and prognosis is for dad and that won't be known for a week yet.

Alomst Missed it - FIVE YEARS TODAY

Five years ago today - around about 3 pm was when I had the first TURBT and had the tumour removed from my bladder. It was a Monday and I had spent the weekend in a state of heightened anxiety knowing that they were going to operate. Other than that I knew very little of my condition - I took a peek at some online stuff but didn't like the look of it and then realised that most of the people who wrote these things were in a far worse state than I was. A lot were dying or thought they were and it was not a great place to be.

Luckily - I'm not one of them and I survived that episode.

I have no particular plans to do anything - it was only that I wrote today's date on a piece of paper that I remembered.

To anyone tuning in at the beginning of their journey with bladder cancer - things do get better and time and experience change your perception.

Spoke to my Dad

This morning and it was one of those very rare times that I've heard him actually feel sorry for himself or say that he wasn't particularly well. He sounded weak and he sounded frail. He's sleeping a lot at the moment and is due in on Wednesday for his endoscope which we hope will sort out his jaundice if nothing else and take a biopsy. Now he's not hurting or in pain, not shaking or anything else and so in a way that's pretty good news - but we will have to wait and see.

He has some more scopes and things to go through and he's had a number of scans - he's had the dye in the veins one so I imagine he is feeling pretty awful - as I did when I had that. For a guy who hates the doctor and hospitals he's managing OK. He needs to get over the YUK factor and realise that everything happens at their own speed.

I said yesterday that I can't go with him on this - I can't live his pain for him because it hurts me just thinking about it. I feel like I've just had some of this stuff done to me, I feel the back of my hand hurting and knots in my stomach just thinking about it in passing and even now writing this. I really don't need to be giving myself this level of grief and thinking about that dye in the veins thing really gave me a turn - I hadn't realised he had had that. Then again - they didn't know about all the times I had my stuff - some but not all.

Anyway - Wednesday is the big day and with some luck we will know more towards the end of the week.

So here's Some Good News

I've been following a blog called the Assertive Cancer Patient for a couple of years on and off but in recent times have tried to follow it more often. Today there was some great news. How about after 10 years of having metastatic cancer - fighting all sorts of battles you wouldn't believe and having huge highs and lows, Jeanne is in remission HERE is the news.

There's something worth celebrating...

PS: I forgot to say - that last year she was given a year to live and then refused to do so - she has been on a clinical trial which appears to have assisted. Surely a lesson for us all not to give in lightly and to persevere even in the hardest of times.

Holding back

On calling too often at the moment and will have 'normal' phone call with my Mum tomorrow morning. Will see what they've been up to and see what I can or cannot do at this time. I think that keeping things like they normally are is probably better than calling every day etc.

It's a bit strange dealing with someone in my family being ill - the last major illness before mine was my nephew and niece who both got Diabetes but hers was pretty serious as she almost died. That's got to be about 15 years ago now I suppose. Anyway, what I mean is my immediate family because I'm the sick one really. 11 Operations when I was a kid, rushed in sometime ago with possible heart attack (which proved not to be), a couple of A&Es when I got my nose broken in a cricket match (not by the ball but when the idiot let go of the bat!), once when I fell down some stairs and once when I got my lip split. And of course the 30 odd times I've been in and out in the past 5 years. So dealing with someone else being ill should be easy for me :-)

I doubt it will be. I'm 110 miles away and at least a 2 1/2 hour journey from them which makes for an interesting problem about going up to see them and when etc. So whatever happens in the next however long it is going to be isn't going to be particularly easy to sort out logistics wise - I just need to wait and see.

I also realise that I know a lot about my particular subject matter and I'm also not certain that I will actually be of any "help" at this time, time when they need to work out for themselves what they want to do and also time to get their thinking right about it too. I've got to tread a careful path between their needs and mine. No one got involved in my illness and so I need to make sure that I don't get involved in theirs. That's sounds a bit awful but all I mean is that as well intentioned as I may feel my help may be, it's not my place to do that uninvited and unwanted. I also have to be very careful about my own health in getting that involved.

On a happier note L arrived home after being away for a week and she had a good time away. She is growing up really fast - it's most strange that suddenly she isn't a school girl any more and she will soon go to University, she just appears to have grown from one to the other in a few weeks.

Impressed

With the level of professional results the three artists put on tonight and the evening shot past. Thanks to Flocky Bicep for turning up and supporting the evening. I think it was a great success and it's great to see young artists displaying challenging work. I was most impressed to see some of As larger photographic work and also some of her original life work in charcoal - I'd never seen these before.

It's a shame that we don't value art as much as we should. We came back home and ended up having a curry which went down very well. We also have a few bags worth of food and drink to use up over the weekend :-)

The Exhibition

I've just dropped A off with a boot (trunk) full of food for the private viewing. I've sponsored the food and drink although they haven't told me how much it is yet :-) I'm looking forward to wandering down there in a couple of hours and seeing what they have done - I haven't seen her work in the new frames or how they've laid it out and so that will be interesting.

At least she will have some intern work in her portfolio and this exhibition. She has another exhibition in the central library later on this year too so that all adds to her experience. You can see some of her work here and the gallery information is here. You may glance some of her painted furniture work on this site.

It looks a hard life being an artist but that's what the intern-ship is all about - she can reflect on this experience. We hope to get her some work experience with one of the major newspapers (not the News of the World obviously) later in the summer so she can experience a week of being a journeyman photographer for the newspapers.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how they've worked out how they are going to present their work and run the exhibition.

Your Thought Process

I remember going through the thoughts - wild as they were between "I'm going to die" and "hang on - they haven't even staged it yet!" It was a horrible time I recall and in a way I just had a couple of days to think about things. I was diagnosed on the Friday and I was in the operating theatre on the Monday! Now that's fast. I had, of course, a relatively high grade cancer and the tumour was of moderate size (whatever that may be). So I can understand what Dad and my Mum are going through.

I can actually feel a heightened level of anxiety in my body - I'm feeling for them - I'm going through the process - reliving my own experiences. I can't make decisions for them and in a way, I'm a bit loathe to get involved unless asked. Dad's got to work through the ups and downs and decide what to do. I mean the crazy thing is we don't actually know that it IS cancer. The signs are reasonably good - very small tumour, could be a cyst but they need to do the investigative work and his first reaction was no. Then again, he's never had surgery etc in his whole life so the shock of all of this must be far worse and at 80 years old he isn't thinking clearly about it. He has the weekend to think things over and they have the phone call on Monday.

I've said to them that until you actually get the results, you'll not know where you stand. If it isn't then there'll be some sort of action to take. if it is, then they'll have something to say about it and a way forward. It isn't great - of course it isn't but inaction is not an acceptable strategy. I'm sure he will come around to a decision based on some logic over the weekend. It is all very raw to him I expect and I doubt his head is "in a good place" at the moment.

Late

Or early as it is really Friday morning. I'm sort of sitting around in a state of light shock I suppose. Poor old dad is probably having a pretty torrid time and will do of course as he comes to terms with what he's been presented with this week. I see a lot of me in him but I'm not entirely like him but in some of the stubborn areas and needing a certain amount of order about things I'm exactly like him and getting more so each time I see him.

I'm not going to second guess what is going on and will wait it out until I hear what the results may be. I'll just have to deal with it the way I normally do I suppose - I've always been the rock steady non emotional one in the family and I suppose I've some experience in these things.

I felt that maybe I should drive up and see Dad but it's A's opening night of her first exhibition tomorrow and I really want to be there. A lot of her mates who've known this is going on have decided to go elsewhere for the weekend and I want to make sure she gets my full support. I'm not sure what I can actually do going to my parent's place this weekend and perhaps it may be better suited a little later on when we know what is happening and when I can do some good.

I was only whinging last week or the week before about how no one ever came and saw me when I was ill. In fact not once in 5 years has anyone bothered but I'll arrange to see them when they need me up there.

Irony, it's ironic isn't it?

5 years ago this very day I was diagnosed with Cancer and today my dad goes home after them having discovered a tumour on his Pancreas. It's very small, you can hardly see it on the scan and so he is home now. He's obviously not feeling good about stuff at the moment and neither is my mum really but they'll hopefully be able to come to terms with this in the next day or two. I'm a good example of what they can do these days but dad sounded a bit defeatist but then I remember being very much like that until good old Mrs. F. told me to "Pull myself together!" :-)

They have a pow wow on Monday and he goes back in Wednesday (even though he says he isn't) for them to do an endescopy and to unblock things so he can get rid of the Jaundice (probably a stent). They also want a scan of his chest as well. I'm leaving him to rest and hope to speak to him over the weekend.

I hope he gets a bit of rest and has some time to think things over. I don't like tone I heard tonight but he's only just been told the news so I imagine it's like I was - hit by a truck!