Cramp Attack

3 in the morning and I just about got it in time - it wasn't a massive one but I got it in the right calf muscle, then the left and then the large thigh muscle on the left and I have never had an attack there before. Luckily the only one that was of any significance was the right calf which still hurts even now.

It is annoying to say the least as I have been having twinges all week since I got back from Hospital. Maybe I ought to resort to wearing my DVT tights? I have enough pairs of them now after all the operations!

So I wasn't that happy at all about it. The builders are here today to do the outside of the house and predictably it is raining! They seem to be getting on OK. Unfortunately I am out this afternoon, C and L are off to a Guide event and A is out working so they'll be left to their own devices for a the afternoon. I have a Lodge meeting to go to and I am the chap that has to keep the meeting flowing. So have been doing a fair amount of work to make that happen as we also have a visit from one of the big noises in the Province so it has to be right.

I could barely

keep awake this afternoon - I was as usual cracking on with stuff and blow me I nearly fell asleep at my desk about 3 pm. Luckily it is early day on Friday and so I got away smartish, got my train and had a brief nod on that.

I am still getting these miniature spasms in my legs, like deep cramp which only lasts for a second and then goes. If I move my leg no problem. I am guessing it is where they strapped me into the stirrups. Last time I was badly bruised, this time I didn't have any of that in fact I thought they hadn't beaten me up as much. Perhaps this is some damage from the stirrups?

Anyway, at least I am only getting those and nothing else. Otherwise, I am still stinging a little when going to the toilet but less so each time. I'll just get back to normal and I'll be on the Treatment which will knock me for 6.

First Day Back

Knackered. Worked like a loony to get everything done and there is more tomorrow. The fun part came when I got a call saying the meeting I was going to was a little earlier than I was expecting and so I ended up having a good few beers before the meeting which I hadn't planned on. As I was the only visitor I had to respond to the visitor's toast - which was OK and these guys drink like fishes. The meal was great and we caught the late train home. Luckily got a lift back here.

I am very tired and need to finish off now to get to bed and get some sleep! It was an exhausting day and my mind was up for it but my body was screaming at me by the end of the afternoon.

Back to normality

I had a good evening with some friends of mine - we had a few beers and some laughs. Tomorrow morning I have to go back to normality again and get the train and go to work. I can imagine tat the 5:30 alarm call will come as a rude awakening :-)

I also notice that there are no sandwiches ready in the Fridge so I will have to sort those out in the morning too.

I imagine I will be wiped out come tomorrow evening as I am going out after work!

Friday will be a nightmare day and I have a meeting on Saturday which I am organising and then a meal on Sunday to go to. I will be a mess come Monday :-)

So much for taking things easy!

Blood Pressure - Again!

I was a little concerned that my BP readings were quite as high as they were last week and the week before. Even my own readings here were not giving me cause to be happy.

I checked m BP readings from last year and they are quite a lot higher than I mistakenly remember them so it was good to find that I had a low reading just now when I checked. There is in fact a marked drop in all three readings. However, one Swallow does not a summer make and so I have set up a sheet to remind me to take regular readings and jot these down.

The Nurse and I laughed at the first BP readings as she said "these are high" and I said that "you can hardly notice my White Coat Syndrome, can you?" - "hardly" she said, well it broke the ice and of course the next readings were about as normal as you get for me not quite 120/80 but not far short. Today's readings are 125/85 which isn't bad as last year I was regularly 140/90 sort of area so it looks as if the tablets are working alongside the lifestyle changes.

Quick

must be the quickest ever- I have to go and see my Consultant next Tuesday in the afternoon. She has already told me that things looked OK but the microscope will confirm that (I hope) on Tuesday. Normally I can wait anything up to 4 weeks.

It may be a quiet time for them as there were only 2 of us being operated on last Wednesday.

I wonder if the pessimist in me would question whether they are getting me in early because it is bad news? I can't imagine that they would have done the tests by the time they sent the letter though which must have been posted on Monday by the looks of it.

Well, if that is next week I could be on Treatment as early as the 26th May or more likely the 2nd June as the 26th is (of course) a Bank Holiday.

9 weeks after would be just after the August Bank Holiday so at least I could have a summer off of treatment again. Nice! The downside to that may be that the next Operation would be around the 2nd week in December but that wouldn't be too bad as I could have time off then and just roll into the Christmas holidays.

Not at work

I made a decision not to go into work today. I feel almost guilty about that but there isn't anything I am doing that is time pressured particularly and even if it is, I imagine I can pick up with it and get to hit its deadline. The important thing is to make sure I am feeling OK prior to returning and I think I probably am near enough to do that. In terms of fitness or stamina - that will remain to be seen. I am sure I will be as tired as you like come Friday evening after only having done two days :-)

So I am spending today just tidying up and getting ready to return to work. I have a number of small things to sort out which I imagine will take me into the early afternoon and then I can make sure everything is ready for my return to work and I can set my alarms for the crack of dawn.

Facing up to your Mortality

Went to the funeral - for once a funeral on a glorious sunny day. It is surprising what you don't know about people. I knew this chap 25 years and didn't know half of what he had accomplished.

You only let people know what you want them to know or what you ask them I suppose. This fella had come through the War - WW2 that is - with two wounds one where the shrapnel was still stuck in him. He never, ever mentioned that to me at all.

Still, it was a good send off and we went back to the house for the drinks and food (does it give everyone something to do? Probably). Met up with a number of people you only ever see at Weddings, Christenings and Funerals. Some people I hadn't seen for 8 years or more.

It is always a leveller to me and one guy and I got talking -I haven't seen him since is wife was taken seriously ill and she was there today - she has a cancer that "just appears" and recently had the 3rd tumour removed. They had no idea that I had had my problems and so it was an interesting and somehow closer conversation.

We remember our friend with great affection and he was an interesting man and full of a sharp, glint in the eye wit. It is a sadder world without him today. However, I can count myself lucky to have know him and shared his company and that I am again reminded of my good fortune as a survivor, I must not squander the second chance I have been given.

Now - I really must set myself up, shake off the seriousness and get ready to go out drinking - and thereby enjoying - my life once again.

Work

Well I spoke to the boss and he is cool with my proposal. I said that I would definitely be in on Thursday - I have to be elsewhere in the afternoon anyway and that I would see how I felt tomorrow morning. If I feel up to it I'll go in. I might just go for half a day to get used to it.

I'm sort of OK but I imagine that everything is settling back down to were it used to be located inside of it feels that way anyway!

I must get rid of this damn wireless keyboard it is driving me nuts trying to type with it.

Off to a funeral a little later today and then I am going to go out with my friends from school tonight for a beer or two.

You tend to forget

How tired you get, quite how exhausting going out for a few hours is and I am amazed just how dozy I was. OK you may say that I am dozy already but - I was at a practice for our Lodge meeting and whilst I wasn't actually expecting to do any words tonight I ended up filling in and I realised that the after effects were making me tired and forgetful or at the least quite slow in remembering things. I as also a little unsteady on my feet so I am ringing into work tomorrow and will not go back until Wednesday - I want to be back by Thursday just so I can get a day or two back under my belt.

I think last time I did go out on the Monday following but my Operation had been done on the Tuesday and it had been much earlier too so almost a day and a half extra recuperation time.

I also need to remember that I don't need to be in work tomorrow or indeed for the rest of the week if I don't feel up to it, there isn't anything earth shattering to be done and if there were I could probably negotiate to do it at home. I will talk to them tomorrow and get their take on it.

Strange sensation day

Well bits of my anatomy are coming back to life and I remember this now from last time. It isn't painful it is just the strangest tingling sensation as if you have pins and needles inside your body. It is as if all the bruises are coming out and all the pipes settling themselves back into their original position before the solid tube was shoved in them :-(

I have been sat down at my desk for an hour and I can really feel it now. How utterly bizarre.

Anyway, I decided not to try and go to work even part of the day tomorrow. I've just seen the time too and I should have rung in but I will do that tomorrow. It is a friend's fathers funeral tomorrow - if I can get someone to drive then I'll go, I'm not to drive until the earliest this coming weekend.

Retrospective

It seems hardly possible that this is my 5th operation in 22 months! It hardly seems possible that in that short space of time I could have gone through all of this. It really is a strange journey and it is something that rules my days and governs my life and actions although I am pleased to say not in the way I thought it might have done.

Along the way, the additional health scares - real and imaginary and the lifestyle changes I have consciously made, together with the job from hell have all added to an interesting and action packed time.

Looking back the very best that could have been an outcome for me was to be where I am now - on maintenance, no recurrence and still having a bladder and being able to use it. The worst was death and in between there were other various options In a way thank goodness it was Bladder Cancer which is very treatable.

I look back and realise quite how traumatic a time I've actually had these past 22 months. I've tried to say it as it is, both mentally and physically, in this blog. The dark and nasty black dog days are very few and far between now and emotionally I am under much better check now. I like the fact that I have managed to see the funny side and to remain overall positive about the outlook and the treatment and the eventual outcome. Would I cope with a set back? Probably although to have come this far along the line to be set back would be a big disappointment.

I couldn't have foreseen the eventual outcome on the work front would be where I am now but the change in direction, the job satisfaction and the less stressful nature of that work have allowed me to refocus and reassess what I was doing, perhaps how I was damaging myself and now, I can have one less worry in life. I really fancied having a bundle of money to retire with in a few years to allow me to go off and do my own thing but that isn't to be and whilst it would be nice - I actually think I'd prefer my mental and physical health to be intact.

What else? People. People are great, I have friends who keep in touch via my e-mail, phone call, SMS and it was lovely to get notes dropped over. Some people have disappeared - not many - but they are coming back now. I understand that - I'm probably as guilty of that as anyone.

I was surprised that I didn't get to do lots of things I thought that I'd want to do. Life carried on in many ways and whilst we pushed the boat out with a Cruise last year, I haven't gone and done or reacted to this in a way that perhaps is portrayed as the way you should? I haven't planned to climb Mount Everest, run a marathon or travel around. I'd love to go to the Monaco Grand Prix but there is still time to do that. I haven' felt inclined to do any of these things and if anything I actually hold myself back from them rather than doing them.

I've appeared to have lost or just not got back to my old well organised self. Tings are getting slowly back to normal but I am nowhere near as organised as I used to be and it takes me ages to get things done and I spend ages doing not a lot at all really.

I've noticed that I am far more tolerant and far more empathetic these days, I enjoy my family more than I did before, I probably appreciate acts of kindness and notice them where I may no have before. My compassionate side is markedly more in evidence now, I was never an emotional sort excepting that I was often passionate about things I believed in. So even now I can get quite distressed when reading some of the cases I have to write about at the Charity. I have a very low tolerance level for trite, shallow and vacuous things. Soap Operas, Quiz Shows, Talent Shows and fly on the wall stuff, most journalism (well asking the bleeding obvious) drives me to distraction and I cannot believe that today's world is full of people who I don't know who are called celebrities who are asked to comment on lots of things they know nothing about and who people appear to take as gospel. It is a funny old world. Meanwhile in Burma all sorts of tragedies are about to unfold but we want to know what some football star who earns millions of pounds a year thinks about the state of Jeans as a fashions statement? Mind you - it could be me. I don't mind sport and entertainment but don't feed it to me as news or some sort of informed opinion.

So perhaps all this has brought out the extremes in me - maybe I am far more emotional, more opinionated, certainly more outgoing than I used to be (although I do have my long quiet moments too).

Whatever, I am glad to be here after 22 months and to be able to put down my thoughts and to be able to be going in the direction I am. So far, each set of tests has moved things on in the right direction and I still think that I am not taking it seriously. But then the chap in the bed opposite me had a Kidney removed and that looked serious to me. I thought to myself that I had got off lightly. To have Cancer is very frightening and to have to go through the operations, the tests, the treatments and so on isn't what you'd like. Normal people, shudder when they hear what is done to me and I think it is normal to have those things done. I thought these things were horrible but when needs must and you have to have it done, it becomes a matter of routine. The mind has wonderful ways of making this acceptable to you. I get told that I am "keeping up the fight" and other such cliches and I don't think I am. Of course it is life threatening and nasty but you mustn't look at it that way. The down side of this is that you forget that occasionally you DO need to take things easy and that you do need to recover and so on. Invariably, as I convince myself that I am alright I do forget these things and so need to remember going forward that your health is everything and that it is better to take an extra day off here and there than to try and return too early to work etc.

So, a bit longer than I thought it would be. I'm pleased to be here and I can convince myself that for the next 14 months or so, I should be continuing to make progress. I initially thought that I may be going to the Hospital for the rest of my life. Perhaps I'll need some odd scopes but at least the treatment could be over and done with within 14 months - that would be brilliant. If there is a relapse then we go back on the roller coaster again. I've made plenty of changes to the way I live and so I hope that doesn't happen but I need to keep in mind that whilst it is disease that can be treated easily it does have a recurrence rate that is high. The odds state though that if it hasn't recurred withing a certain period then things do have a bright outcome.

The twinges of recovery

I had quite forgotten this bit of the recovery process. The back of my hand where the cannula was put in is now a lovely purple and yellow colour as the bruise works its way out. I also have what can only be called mild tingling as my urethra recovers from its trauma and right across my waistline I can feel a dull ache. No doubt also the results of bruising and being stirred around last week. In fact it isn't that long ago is it? I forget it was only 5 days ago.

I'm guessing that this is due to sitting at my desk and so I will be getting up and walking around a bit more as I am obviously not ready to spend long hours at a desk today.

Lucky Guy

I should remind myself as often as possible that I sure am very lucky. Caught early on, I feel that I am well on the road to recovery with this - I cannot imagine that anyone who knows that they have got to continue to have the treatment that I do and knowingly will have to have at least another 2 operations would see it quite like that. You have to be there :-)

I think I should perhaps allow myself a retrospective later this week so that I can take a look back over the past 22 months.

It seems strange to think back to that time and getting my dream job and then this. It somehow seems longer in some ways and shorter in others. I've come a long way since those days, I shall spend some time considering how I am now to how I probably thought I should be. How surviving makes you feel and some of the joys and disappointments too.

Nice Day Again

It is a lovely day again today, the sun is out - it is pleasantly warm and just the right sort of weather to recuperate in :-)

I'm again feeling OK, still twinging around the groin area and it still isn't an easy task going to the loo but it is a lot better than the first day and getting better each day. The first day just after the operation is always a bit of a nightmare as you pass blood and bits and the bits and the blood tend to make you sting and the first one is like passing razor blades!

It isn't that bad. I'm certainly hesitant and also try and let gravity do its bit as poor old Mr. Bladder has six cuts and scabs on it and I don't need to be opening those up like I managed to do last time.

So - other than that - I am looking forward to phoning in tomorrow to the office and seeing what work I can get on with. I might even plan to go into the office for half a day on Tuesday - I'll check with the powers that be tomorrow.

Today

I am trying to get by without the pain killers and anti-inflammatory pills today. So far it seems alright although I can feel things a bit more.

The main headline news is that I feel fine albeit that I can now feel the soreness around my middle and groin area where they pulled me about - perhaps some bruising coming out, the sore throat and coughing associated with the general anaesthetic is easing and apart from that I am doing OK.

A bit annoyed that I cannot get over to see some of my cousins later today who are over in Essex. With the best will in the world, if the traffic is held up anywhere along the way I am going to be struggling to hold on.

Had a nice call from a friend of mine which cheered me up not that I am down at all.

Taking it easy

I am doing exactly that this time. I actually feel very well indeed, perhaps the cocktail of drugs they whacked into me but I do feel quite well. I am drugging myself up with Ibuprofen and Paracetamol (reminds me I must have a few more) as I have some stinging and soreness. Guys, if you know what it is like to slide onto the crossbar of your bike and hit the handlebar stem as well with your groin, you;ll get an idea of the sort of pain I had to start with. I am now just dealing with the twinges and stinging afterwards but it isn't as bad as the last time and my legs don't hurt as bad as they did last time either.

I watched all 3 Pirates of the Caribbean yesterday - well probably not - I maybe slept through half of each one. Today I am going to try and spend some time watching spider-man - no doubt with the same result. Not to worry, as long as I am remaining still I will making sure the wounds heal up. Six biopsies taken apparently. The bleeding stopped yesterday and my liquid intake was probably close to 8 pints - unfortunately of water :-)

Anyway, I do feel well which is great.

OK

Was dealt with quickly so had a bed but didn't get Operated on until late in the afternoon so stayed overnight.

Home early (after breakfast) am OK, sore - of course - but OK. Still very hot so lots of liquid need to be drunk.

Visually all looks OK. Will know in two weeks they said.

Final Preparations

Just had a sit out in the garden - it is very nice today 24 Degrees C about 75F so a very pleasant day for early May. It looks set fair for the next few days as well which is great. In fact it seems every time I go in it is warm - it was a heatwave the first and second times and I got a heat rash - let's hope that doesn't happen this time as that is a nuisance and takes quite a while to get rid of.

I'll be getting there in about an hour I suppose and I do hope that I don't have the wait I did last time and the straight to theatre routine. Oh well, we will see.
Bag is packed, house is locked up and I think I have covered off all the things I need to do before going. I have to say that I am pleased with the Hypnotherapy session I had to get me calm before these things. Ever since I had that done, whilst I still have some anxiety, it is nowhere near as bad as how I used to suffer.

Oh well, I had better sign off now, go and double, double check my bag (I remembered my comb this time) and get ready to go.

Hope you are enjoying your holiday

Mmm. So someone will get a shock when I tell them then :-) I thought most people knew that I was going in - maybe the other people in the office will tell them. I'm sure they will feel silly enough when I re-appear next week doing my John Wayne walk impersonation.

Well it cheered me up reading that this morning. Some more people who also think that I am off somewhere enjoying myself will find out the difference tonight at the Lodge meeting when they'll let them know.

I've done quite a bit of sorting out for that and so it will be interesting to see if they all get seated properly at the meal - I did the table plan and that they get the food they asked for. Just a shame I cannot be there as I ordered Steam and Mushroom pudding (there's something you don't get every day!). Of course I won't be having any of that - I'll be getting whatever is around tonight.

Right, enough of this frivolity - I need to go and get ready.