Facebook sometimes has something more than merriment

A friend posted this today:

"Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstep of your present and future. Let go, forgive and move forward. Just because the past didn't turn out like you had hoped, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you had envisioned. In fact, we often grow stronger in the places we were once broken. Because it’s not until you're broken for a while that you truly learn what you're made of on the inside. And this insight gives you the ability to rebuild yourself, stronger than ever before."

Now it isn't massively profound and yet in there are two messages because it certainly didn't turn out like I planned not by a long way and also not at all how I thought this year was going to turn out at all.  It would be great if the future could be better than you had envisioned but somehow it would have to be very good indeed.  There is a side of us that deals in "Ifs and Buts and Maybes" and that's the problem because it will always have been this or that given any of those three elements.  It is so difficult to let go sometimes though and I'm coming to terms with that in two ways.  My past life as victim both through illness and relationship and where I thought I was going, what I thought would happen and how I thought it would all pan out into some utopian dream of living a wonderful life.  

Don't get me wrong, that's still there - the wonderful life - it just isn't the way I envisioned it, with the person I dreamt it would be with and in the manner in which I wanted it to be.  There's a lot of "I" and "Me" in there isn't there? :-)  

I have to say that I'm disappointed but I'm now beginning to "get over it" and that's the thing about the experiences we have.  I have probably just had the most amazing 4 or 5 months in my life for all sorts of reasons.  I've come bursting out of the doldrums and my life has exploded.  I am suddenly conscious of all that is going on around me and I'm gradually building myself into someone that has finally got to "that comfortable place" in my life.  It's uncomfortable in terms of what is happening to me with the breakdown of my marriage - sure it is but on another level, I no longer have the lingering doubts about my future and what is coming down the track for me.  I no longer have the past beating me up either.  I'm not saying I've perfected either of these yet but I can at least see what is happening and stop it - if not immediately - certainly I can work on it.  

I have some regrets but I can't actually do anything about them at all - they have to be learnt from and cast aside because they aren't useful to hold onto or to do anything with.  There's no use in beating myself up for this stuff.  I am particularly annoyed - no perhaps that's the wrong word - perplexed maybe - I'm not sure - about something that happened and I wonder how I could have affected it and then realised that it was way beyond my control or any influence I had or could have in the future to alter it.  You can't go back and change something with hindsight and neither can you try and recapture these moments, it just cannot happen and I struggle with it but tonight, writing this, I can see how futile it is to even go down that route.  It hurts like hell but that's the way it was, it's over, it's happened and that is that!  

I still need to learn some more control and to accept some of the things that have happened (that I thought would be good and turned out not so good) and not to dwell on them - I'm getting there, writing like this here and in some private blogs is sorting it out for me.  I hope that I will soon really master it as it really does help me move on. Sounds like I'm rambling on a bit but that's the bit that needs to change.  It's letting go that is difficult and once you've learnt to let it go it become easier.  I would suggest that for everyone it is difficult but let go you must or you will forever be being dragged back into areas you have no influence over and that aren't really important at all.