Busy Day - How I Like Them

I didn't earn a huge amount today but did a lot of packaging and posting labels - the Post Office was rammed full of people and interestingly enough there's another chap there who is selling records.  I actually pre bought the labels so that I only had to get a few done - it looked amazing with a huge bag full.  Was good being busy as the day has flown by.  

My next door neighbours have moved by the looks of it - the removal van was there earlier and the cars are gone.  Ho hum, a new era has begun.  The village is a lot quieter I imagine :-)

As for me well I really want this false dawn to be over and to get the hell out and on with my life.  I lay awake last night until gone three and that's not the first time this week.  I have been doing a lot of "business" thinking into the evening so I have a head full of facts and figures but Mrs. F. and I did have some more discussions yesterday and I think that slowly she is accepting that I will be moving out and that there isn't much to stop that happening.  I kind of worry about her but was told that it isn't helping for me to be like this.  I do feel rather helpless in this.  I so want her to accept it, to move on, to feel it's the right decision for her as well as for me.  

Here's another take on things for you to consider.  I was almost immobilised living here, I didn't actually need to do anything at all I could have ended up being a couch potato but I did not do that.  I could have just sat there being depressed and it was the gradual sinking down into this pit, this rut that finally made me make a decision.  I wouldn't wanted to have continued being like that and for Mrs. F. to be running around after a lazy, depressed old soak.  In many ways, that person died when I made my mind up to leave her.  I've tried really hard to be as independent as possible since then and try and do my bit in and around the house, finally fixing all the things that have been outstanding for years.

It should never have been that way in the first place but it ended up like that.  I kick myself because she did "nurse" me through being ill and was there for me but of late I've taken to taking myself into hospital for checks and for operations which also says something I think?  

Wanting to move on is also tempered by the fact that Christmas is a month today!!!  I've done nothing about it really.  It also Mrs. F's birthday soon and I've done nothing about that - some say don't buy anything - I feel sad about that.  Perhaps a card maybe at least?  I suppose a gift wouldn't mean anything at all to either of us.  I shall check with her and see what she wants to do I feel terrible about that.  It's not as if I've fallen out irretrievably with her or any other such thing.

Such are the quandaries of the ground I step on at the moment I suppose.   I feel a little bit vulnerable because my real desire to make this as painless as possible for Mrs. F. may be sending the wrong signals and I'd be doing all the right things for totally the wrong reasons.   

This time next year I guess things will be very different indeed and maybe we will be able to meet up and be friends because she really is a friend.