Friday Blues

Seems to have been a bad week for news this week - it all seems a bit gloomy and the weather has been typically british with dampy, misty cold and miserable days.  I like autumn with the colour of the leaves and I don't mind it cold and frosty but the damp and drizzly murky grey days really can get oppressive.  But hey ho, I'm fit and well and breathing so that's a start this morning!

Despite knowing I can do little about my future, there's a little niggle going on about my future and actually I'm pretty excited about it.  What have I got to worry about I ask myself?  I'm one of the "lucky" ones - well I made my own luck in reality - who doesn't need to work today to put food in my mouth or heat my house.  I wonder if I had not worked my arse off for the past 35 years whether I'd be in this position?  It's funny isn't it, to all external appearances I'm a successful person, had great jobs, earned good money, ran my own business, have a lovely house, live in a nice village in the country and have my 2.4 children etc etc.  And yet here I am without a job (at the moment), separating from my wife and leaving my house and going to live a single life.  Success at what cost?  Of course it depends on how your measurement system works.

You see for me, now, it is very different to how it was before and I'd rather have a life now than a career.  I'd rather have that small house and perhaps someone who'd share it with me who was a complete kindred spirit.  That is an ideal situation of course.  I'd like to live by the coast and hey why not at some point in time?  Whatever I want to do is there for the taking and once free from major commitments then perhaps that's something I can consider?  Someone asked me whether I needed to work at all and whilst I've not looked into that I reckon it is possible that I could retire but I'd really like to give the new venture a go and see how that works in the future. 

It's all a bit of false dawn for me at the moment.  I know something is about to happen but haven't got the starting pistol fired yet.  Flocky is waiting for a date to be agreed on his place and then we will have a target date to find a place, arrange removals and all sorts of stuff.  Then and only then can we move.  It's no good me making any plans or anything else come to think of it.  I am pretty excited about getting out of here.  It's not nasty but it is oppressive and heavy and poor old Mrs. F. is close to tears most of the time and I feel pretty awful that I cannot help her or give her a cuddle as that's just mixed and wrong messages and will just make her hurt more.  

I know I'll be very sad when I move out and rightly so, I looked back last night and realised that I'd given just about my all to try and not be where I am now.  There's only so much rejection you can take and that's the thing - I have no idea if Mrs. F. thinks that's how you treat people, what can I say though?  Perhaps I'll sort out something for her for Christmas or her birthday in a few weeks that might help her realise.  It's difficult but we've had the conversation and she wasn't happy about it but I think she did understand why we are where we are.