It's Going To Be A Hard Christmas

I really think rather than waiting for so long before we took any decisive action I'd done something earlier as it is almost Christmas and the atmosphere is difficult.  Mrs. F. doesn't want any Christmas presents or birthday presents from me or anyone else for that matter.  I kind of thought that I'd buy her something for both Birthday and Christmas.  Just a little something as I said it would feel wrong of me not to.  I've known her for 40 years and she's probably, once she's got over this, my best friend or I'd like to hope that she will remain so. 

Maybe I'm being delusional and not facing up to the reality of it all I don't know.  I'd like to think that I'd still be civilised and still be nice and kind to her - she's the mother of my children after all said and done.  I'm in that neither here nor there place again.  In some ways I see that I need to get the hell out of here and to go lead my own life for my own sanity and also to allow me the freedom to now go and develop my business.  It's a difficult thing to explain but I do feel - and rightly so - not welcome here and it is no longer my home.  I don't feel upset as such about that - well not as upset as I felt I might be.  I feel more upset about other things that "could have been" and are lost to me.  I put a lot into holding everything together and there were hard knocks for doing so and in some way they play occasionally on my mind.   But "what ifs" are not real and I need to realise that.

It's like trying to replay meeting up with your College girlfriend or the woman you met at a convention or that you worked with and wondered "what if" - it's all a fantasy and whilst in your mind something "may have" happened - it didn't or if it did it didn't last and so what on earth is my mind doing wondering about these old flames and these what ifs and other nonsense from my past?  I tackle these like I tackle most things these days and work them through with logic and destroy these thoughts because they are my ego and my pain body trying to get attention and to wrestle back control that they no longer have over me.

It all sounds very far fetched but these thoughts play on your mind and give you false hope and dreams that can never possibly come true.  They need to be consigned back to where they belong.  After a lifetime though trying to live in the present, the now is so very hard but it is achievable.  

It's a bit like the "guilt" trip I go through each day when I have to remind myself why I'm leaving.  It would be so very easy to say - the devil you know, let's try it again, let's go through the motions and try one last time to make it work.  I wrote it all down, produced mind maps and charts and force charts and all sorts of things to make sense of it all and I just need to look at them to realise why I'm leaving; how many times I've tried before and to remind myself of the reasons that I just can't stay.  I find that it is a good thing to continue to question my actions (in some ways).  But I've done that for years, could I be wrong?  I could if it was a Hollywood Movie I suppose.  But it isn't.

Today is a bit of a landmark day as I've got all the company logos completed and all the artwork as well as the tag lines, strap lines and service lines done.  I've outlined the web site design and I'm about to embark on some of the detailed planning.  Not a lot of eBaying got done so I need to do some of that tomorrow and Sunday I suppose and clear down the last items.

Here's the Logo to the new business:

Linking Past, Present & Future

Photo Scanning | Video Transfers | Family History

I'm pretty excited about this - all I need to do now is move, set up shop and away I go.  It will give me something to concentrate on and to pull me out of my present and into my now.